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Twilight's normally pretty neat and organized, but when a misplaced spell book falls into the hands of Trixie, bend on revenge from her last defeat, Her master plan takes shape: To hypnotize Christian, takeover Equestria, and use The Six as her slaves!
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Trixie getting her hands on hypnosis book and planning nefarious deeds: good.
Self-insert human: unbelievably bad.
2098384 To be fair, Chris IS the one getting hypnotized. Plus, Trixie's plan will get more nefarious as the story progresses...
2099275
There's just no reason for the hypnotized character to be a human. Throwing a human into Equestria is really jarring... even worse than just an unnecessary OC. I can't know exactly where your story is heading, but what you have in the description doesn't imply any need for a human stooge at all.
2100730 So what your saying is, you hate EVERY story on FIMfanfiction that has a random human or unnecessary OC in it? Which is practically a majority of the stories here. I'm just trying to fit in to a majority group, and so far, it's working.
2102128
I haven't read this yet, and I probably won't, but most people don't come here for same-old-same-old, so trying to fit into a majority isn't a very good idea from the start. The main idea is original, and good, but having a random human character who could have easily been replaced by an actual pony or completely omitted from the story downgrades it. Imagine your watching the most original and awesome thing you can think of- now think of how it would work if Mickey Mouse suddenly appeared as a side character who has little to no effect on the real story, but yet a lot of time is dedicated to him because he's the most mainstream. Considering I haven't read it, I'm also going to assume one flaw that appears all to often- the human's presence isn't explained or the explanation is flawed.
Still, considering I haven't read this yet I guess I could be considered a total idiot.
2132831 Thanks for the input. Don't worry, i'll make sure this isn't a total flop.
2133060
And I'll make sure to read it sometime.
See this blog post for a link to a good reference material. It explains, among other things, why you should not use humans when ponies will do, but it basically says what Equestrian Bloodpool told you.
Don't force something to your story just because you think it's cool. Humans, Mary Sues, shipping... if the story doesn't need it, then don't add it. I've seen many stories ruined because they tried to force something in that didn't belong.
2207442 He may not seem to be necessary right now, but Chris will play a huge role later on. I could change him to be a pony OC, if you think it will help though.
2208195 That would be best. It's what we've been suggesting.
2208211 HA! That'll be easy! Good thing I made Chris half human/half pony! He will be change into his pony form at the end of Princess Trixie's Revenge. So expect that soon!
That's not what I meant.
2208774 Then what the buck do you mean?!
2208774 Oh wait, like change him overtime or something? Maybe, he decides to stay in his pony form in Equestria but on Earth he's a human? Tell me if i'm close.
2210721 What I mean is that he shouldn't be human AT ALL. Ever. There is no reason to have a human here, so at no point in the story should there even be a mention of a human. Just use a pony instead. Using a human just creates unnecessary and unwanted complications for both the writer and the reader.
2211242 So, you mean change the story completely from the start? I think it's a little too late for that. I can change him from some point on however. But I believe that the story is too far along to drastically change it like that. Unless you have some sort of suggestion.
2213138 You're being overly dramatic. It's not that big a change. Just adjust his species, and maybe his name. That's all.
2213216 Hmm. Alright that's easy. But should I alter the current story to fit this? I designed this story to have "Chris" to be a human. I had no intent to make him a pony here.
2213285 From what I've read so far, no changes would be necessary.
2213440 Alright then! I will refer to Chris as a pony from now on! But the who "He was a human before thing" Will still stand. The story would go nowhere without this crucial part. But, Earth will only be involved when necessary.
2214031 Whatever. At this point, I don't even care anymore.
2215529 Cool story, bro. Later.
2213285
How can this be "designed" for him to be a human, when there's no real explanation for his presence, and everyone treats him like he's just some guy they are all inexplicably pals with.
I kind of hoped this was going somewhere. The quality was low enough that I didn't even blink at the unbelievably ridiculous cage trap thing. But you just keep doing it and making it more and more ridiculous at it keeps working. This worse than watching a play where the villain just lays their hand on the protagonist and says "aha, I got you" and everyone acts like they ACTUALLY GOT THEM.
2221669 2221669 What do you mean by "quality was low enough?" This story is in the same layout as a book. The "cage trap" is ingenuous if you realize that it's not the cage itself that captures them: It's the material used to capture them that prevents the use of magic. THAT'S what makes the trap unique. If I just used a random cage and made Twilight act like: "Oh no! A regular steel cage! What do I do? I'm helpless!" That would be stupid. It's not the trap itself, it's the way the trap is exploited that makes it "tick" so to speak.
i really want to kill trixie now
2226273 Don't worry, she'll get what's coming to her.
many thanks for that because i am a fan of now princess Twilight Sparkle.
2228254 Oh. Then word to the wise, don't read my other story: Twilight's Big Day
I already did.
2230079 Oh. Uhh, awkward. Sorry...about...that.
Ok finally caught up... And well done, very very funny lol
You sir, have done an excellent job with this, and I can't wait for the next chapter.
2255865 Thank you! It's nice to get appreciated for working hard!
Oh the funnies.... 'Magic'.... twas a Smashing idea!
I love this story cant wait to read more.
did the thought of bucking trixie in the face ever come to mind when RD was right in trixie's face. may not be able to use magic but the horn is still a weapon.
2590425 Do you mean Dash's hooves? Because if you do, they were firmly chained to the cell She wouldn't have been able to raise them to punch Trixie.
well after the whole captured luna and tia thing i was like well why the hell do the guard have to listen to trixie..screw paper work your frikin leaders are chained. not really going to read more of it but its not bad just not very in character plus the whole human thing did throw me off. :shrug: eh people tastes and all that.
2592100 Wow, that was the nicest feedback of the flaws of this story that I have received. Thanks! Yea, the whole Christian thing was kinda left field. But that was because I wanted to get this story out of the way. Currently, i'm working on a few stories which is why my posts are so slow. The first story, (The 'pilot' if you will) Is being made now, along with "A Boundless Rivalry" and "A Love Interest". Plus school and stuff. So yea. Thanks again for the feedback though.
why didn't Trixie just use the hypnosis spell on twilight?
2874254 It's more fun to hear your enemies suffer...
2592100 Trixie probably threatend them that she would do something to Celestia and Luna
3205157...Or that. I like that better. Thanks!
3207085 np
I like this
4685311 Thank you very much!
2874254 ummmmm fast ending
Lmfao........... that is all.
I like to imagine christian as a human even though hes not
6672064 ...Um, Christian IS a human. Occasionally, he turns into his pony form; but for the most part, he is a human.