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One of Shining Armor's oldest friends has just been released from a five year stay at a mental institution, he ask's Twilight to look after him. This pony has a knack when it come to machines what will happen when a certain apple farmer takes a liking to him?
O.C. X Applejack
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Fix how Armor is spelled in the description. It keeps people away.
Aw yeah and so as one journey ends another begins
Hah! Sleep! Who needs sleep anyway?
Just read this. Seems interesting.
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Ermm... Just saying. Your missing some grammar, and indentation.
But looks interesting.
This was my face at the description:
static.fjcdn.com/gifs/I+dunno...........................LOL.+TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL_36ba89_3103582.gif
Interesting premise. I'm not usually one to read stories that deal with... well, whatever Gear is seeing in the mirror, but the sympathetic tone of the story towards him makes it appealing. This is a very different take from how I've seen mental illness treated in other stories, and it kept me reading.
You've set up some good conflict, and there is some good tension developing between Gear and Twilight, even with Big Mac, and of course with Rainbow.
One big thing I would say is, slow down. This story rushes along at a breakneck pace, when it could easily pause and really dig into what he's feeling/thinking and give us some great insights into him. Punctuation and grammar are also issues- there is a lot of missing punctuation, and I've seen some tense errors among other things.
Your character interactions could be livelier- sometimes it's just a flat back-and-forth dialogue when there should be more descriptive language attached to flesh out the scene, and the thoughts, feelings, and motivations of the characters.
But I like this at it's heart- there's an interesting story in here that could be helped by an editor and some more in-depth feedback than I have time to give tonight. I would recommend more reading, more practice... but don't give up on this. I'm going to watch it because I'm truly curious about how you're going to develop the story!
I'm pretty sure you mean Gear's, besides that I see no problems (that I see, not a grammar nazi), keep it up.
Yes... Mental institution... This intrigues me...
I shall read! MOAR!
My bet is on Twilight trying to get Celestia to allow Gear to stay with Applejack.
ICOULDBEWRONG,DON'TSHOOTME
Awesome chapter.
((Insert incomprehensible babbling here.)) - Sorin "Kalreas" Kanire
Glad there's a new chapter to read before I go to bed :) I'm enjoying this so far
More....
1826981 my thoughts exactly.
Good I now want more
FiMFic is trolling me again.
It keeps telling me this is updated when it clearly isn't.
Yes, I watch dis...
Lovin' this fic, AJ be fave pony for me
1830611 Like wise,
well her and Rainbow Dash.
Lol
this is good
I'm loving this so far. Keep doin' what yer doin', dear person.
((Insert incomprehensible babbling here.)) - Sorin "Kalreas" Kanire
Yay
Finally, don't finish this. MAKE IT GO ON FOREVER! NEVER FINISH IT! FROM THE BIRTH TO DEATH! NEVER FINISH THIS!
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The "j" should be captialized
This seems a little rushed. Try to slow the pacing, I swear we went through like 3 days in 4000 words. He left a mental institution, moved out of Canterlot, moved in with Twilight, and got a job in a reasonably short amount of words.
BTW, I like how you added he likes to write stories. Not sure if you know this, but those who are bi-polar or who have troubles with different aspects of their personality (ex: Dissociative identity disorder and/or Schizophrenia) often have a creative mind for writing stories.
Please keep writing this. Aside from fast pacing and some minor grammatical errors that are easy to overlook, this is an extremely interesting story and I urge you to write more of it.
P.S. Applejack is best pony.
Continue....
Amazingly written story, it just keeps on getting more and more interesting...
1834166 Yeah I know about that psychological aspect, that's why I threw it in there. You'll hear about what he's written in the next chapter.
Sweet Celestia, I'm lovin this
1835066 Kick ass man!
I just thought that you just threw that in there for kicks, but to find out that you actually knew the benefits of some psychological/mental disorders is amazing! It makes this story seemed more planned out and creative with just that one addition.
Keep up the good work!
Awesome, though you should write about how he thinks and feels, since he has a mental condition, thinking get's alot more interesting and important to the character
Do continue...
You're killing me, you know?
I like this story, I really like your OC... except the "he's secretly THREE famous authors" bit is really very Mary Sue-ish. He's a great character without all of that, flawed but trying to stay okay. I understand where you're going with the 'he's a writer' but I thought the tie-ins to named authors was more of a distraction than useful plot device
Honestly, you've created a character who doesn't need any propping up! I like how you've integrated him with Shining and Cadance, the tension with Twilight is very good, he's more than strong enough to stand on his own.
Pointing out his use of medicine is a great for tension-building- I'm worried what will happen if/when he misses a dose. You've got SO MUCH potential in this story, it's really engaging.
That said, I want it to stop rushing!! It's good but it needs to slooowww dooowwwwnnnn. You're passing up SO MUCH interaction and character building it hurts sometimes.
And spelling and grammar could use some work- I see a fair number of misused words and missing punctuation.
None of that, though, takes away from the basic enjoyment I get from reading this. Please, continue with it!
1840857 Thanks for the feed back, I'll try and slow down I have a lot more to go.
1842262
A lot more? Good! Your story is oddly compelling, so if there's more of it to read over the long run, good deal!
1842487 Thanks for the support
and I'll explain the whole 3 author thing in the next chapter
Sweet!!!!
What is the method to decode this type of code? I MUST KNOW!
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What can I say? you know how to pick em Applejack.
I don't see a capitalization after the question mark.
But overall, C-O-N-T-I-N-U-E. Please. Just, continue. Now.
I can't believe I forgot to fav this.
I looked through my favs like three times looking for this, and I was like: "WHERE THE HELL IS THIS STORY!"
Good, it's getting slower. Just a little more and it should be near perfect.
And the build up with those pills every time he wakes up is actually starting to get to me, as it should. I'm just sitting here waiting for that one time he forgets, or can't take his pill and the suspense is killing me. AND how Applejack is CLEARLY best pony is awesome as well.
I love how you threw in that his cutie mark meant two things, that was so creative!
1855658 Oh trust me the explination will blow your mind!
= 
Because I am that
1855669 My mind...
...it is not ready.
1855689 Sorry bro, there's no brakes on this mind F@$% train!
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1876808 Yes.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON!
And I love it.
Hahaha, AWESOME
Awesome. Another chapter. I'm just gonna list one problem.
You're commas are ignored. They are not where they are supposed to be.
More bits of information coming through, It wont be long before all the pieces come together.
THE PLOT THICKENS!
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I'm concerned about that first year at the institution and that voice in Gear's head. Also: First
1883917 Oh you haven't seen anything yet!
Sh*t's about to get creepy in the coming chapters.
This is a really good story, you have an original idea and have done considerable skill when it comes to writing. The only mistakes I am seeing consistently ate you misusing apostrophes. You keep using them for plurals when they should only be used for contractions and possession i.e. Applejack's apple and you are => you're. Other than these it all looks good and I'm looking forward to the next instalment of this awesome story