An aspiring writer that loves the fandom and it's works
The Writers' Group56,340 stories ·9,284 members
Sensual Fiction (SFG)1,192 stories ·1,725 members
Stories on Goodreads28,595 stories ·492 members
Blindness73 stories ·93 members
silentpegasus fics13 stories ·0 members
Ink Blot, one of Vinyl Scratches oldest friends is moving from Manehattan to Ponyville. He's an artist with extraordianary talent and Twilight has taken a fancy to him. There's only one problem, Ink is blind. How will this stallion contend with his growing feeling and the horrors of his past?
O.C. X Twilight.
Page generated in 0.161 seconds
Total duration
1,008 users online
39,214 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
That was a lot of dialogue.
Have a
cupcakemoustacheWell, Silent, I will say this. You have a nak at making me read your stories.
Have some moustaches.
2034077Thank you.
2033760 Yeah I'll try and tone it down in the future.
Feelings of sinister history/memories and shenanigans building...
This should be good
Huh, reading the description, I was expecting another crappy romance.
The protagonist is blind though? I suddenly feel for the poor guy. Wonder where all these dislikes came from... I'll have to give this a read.
*ahem* review time again.
Let's see, a blind pony result of an accident (not bad)
He's an artist(*high voice* cliche)
Uses magic to see(how bat like, or daredevil like, or maybe Toph like?)
Doesn't want ponies to know he's blind, doesn't want pity or sympathy(I respect that.)
Another pattern I'm noticing is that your OCs have two voices in their heads.(even the sane ones)
Nice to know he has a sense of irony.
, dont make him emo.)
Cries blood(that sounds awsome
So far this is a good story, cant wait to see what happens next.(get it? see? its funny cause he's blind, (not in a disrespectful way))
2034961 He's kind of a fusion of the three, Even sane people talk to them selves...righ?
He is going to become more depressing as the story unfolds and his past is revealed I'm currently working ona dream/flashback.
As I mentioned before, don't go emo
. This story reminds me of another O.C x Twilight where a pony suffered an accident that left an injury, your not gonna have Twilight fix his eyes are you?(just wondering) not saying you can't.
2035836 Relax she's not going to fix them,
I'll explain but he has a traumatic past
which involves Vinyl, but he's not a total badass like Echo.
Hahaha I now see what you do...you take a pony's aspect and completely reverse it and give the mirrored quality to the OC
so that's AJ, Vinyl, Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy and now Twilight, who's next?
You totally took my mane style
2035909 'Mane style' (Enter drum beat and symbols here) Puns.
Who's Echo?
2036759 He's my O.C. in my other Twi x O.C. fic
Haven't read it yet(trying not to read too many of your stories all at once)
2037169 Oh well.....he's a badass. Unlike Ink.
2037178
So does that make Ink a pussy?
2037190 Not entirely
he is sheduled to kick some ass, just not as much as Echo.
2037444
I imagine him being all ninja like and shit.
Interesting
and I'm surprised that Pinkie didn't notice that his name sounds like her sisters name.
This story doesn't immediately turn me off from reading it, and apparently, you have quite a career writing stories on FiMFiction. I congratulate you on that. I'll use a sort-of grading sheet to evaluate your story. It'll hopefully help show you what you're doing right, and where you can use some better improvements.
Grammar (First 500 words) [1/5: Mistakes distract VERY OFTEN from the story]
Not the worst I've seen out in the wide collection that is FiMFiction, but not necessarily top-grade perfect material. In this sentence, know when to end your sentences instead of continuing with a comma. What would have been better was if you broke this sentence up into two, using a period at the end of "years" and taking out the comma. Also, "back up" is spelled "backup".
Two, "everypony" is simply one word. No dashes.
Another one, quite a common one I'm seeing nowadays, are tense issues. If you begin in the past, stay in the past. If you begin in the present, stay in the present. It's really that simple, you just need to check your verbs. Also, the same sentence needs a "When" at the beginning.
Once again, some missing words. Either add a "when" or "until" after "town".
I'm not sure what country you live in, but in the US, instead of saying "amount of volume", you could easily replace it with "high volume" or "loud volume".
Yikes. First 500 words and already there goes the grammar. I didn't count the last one, since it seems more opinionated to me.
Characters [OCs: 1/5: OC characters have VERY LITTLE development.] [Canon: 4/5: Canon characters are rarely out-of-character.]
I'll begin with the Mane 6. Would Fluttershy really act so rudely to someone she hasn't known? Maybe if you added some stammers, or some quiet whimpering you could pull it off, but her dialogue with Ink Blot is really OOC.
The rest of the Mane 6 does fine, except for one thing that I'll address during your character.
Now, Ink Blot is an... interesting character. However, I see two major flaws: Gary Stu and character backstory.
He can see past 300m with his invisible, undetectable sensing spell? He has superpony hearing, touch, and sense of smell? He is an amazing artist in both sketching, drawing, sculpting, painting? He can slow down time because recreating drawings, sculpting within seconds, and dodging somepony who broke the light spectrum is too much of a consuiendence to be possible? Everypony miracously likes/loves him despite him being arrogant, sarcastic, pessimistic, and terribly charismatic (since he simply replies the same few lines with ALL of the Mane 6, and still manages to charm them by being an "artist")? He can turn Twilight Sparkle against her friends after Rainbow becomes trapped in a seemingly-unbreakable clay cage, despite she only knew the stranger for a few hours?
I think you get the point. As they say in the roleplaying world, your character is OP.
He has every single quality of a Gary Stu. Sure, he's blind. But damn, with all those positives, hell, I'd almost want to be blind if I'd get all those! He has too many good qualities, and not enough fears, weaknesses, no scarred memories or traumatized moments as a child. In a nutshell, he's too perfect. And thus, he's unrealistic, and uninteresting. Speaking about childhood, that brings us to our next flaw.
Alright, let's see here. His backstory is that he had to watch over his back during his stay in Manehattan because of massive crime. Not too bad actually. It's not too over-dramatic, and not too plain either. Only problem is, you don't take very good advantage of it except for Twilight's pity. You don't change his behavior much besides the fact he keeps to himself. You don't give him any fears such as being paranoid of other ponies intentions, you don't give explanations to his sarcastic and pessimistic behavior, you don't give him any quirks or special traits due to his backstory, and in the end, you don't make a very memorable or powerful character. Except, of course, the "bleeding tears".
In my perspective, you simply just threw a random backstory in there, with no relevance or connect to your specific character or plot, and then just tossed it out like a used tissue. Show, don't tell. All you did was "Oh, I grew up in Manehatten as a poor little orphan foal, scared and terrified for my life as I had to scourge for food in the dirt and the filth just to ease the pain in my stomach a little. I had no family or anypony to care and to love me, to wipe the tears when I felt sad, to toss me in the air and spin me in dizzy circles when I wanted to play, and to offer a warm shoulder to cuddle in and sleep when I felt tired. Instead, I got thrown in a dump for a town, where I had to learn where emotions, joy, and love were useless. That they were only weaknesses, and would only get me killed. I was forced to suck up my tears, lock away all of my pain, my emotions, my happiness deep within the depths of my soul, and take on all of the stress, the killing, and the crime that could have easily scarred anypony else for life. But does it affect me? Meh. Just gave me a sarcastic behavior, blindness and some bloody tears. No problem."
Do you now see how important backstory is to a character? Every action your character does has a good explanation why. You can't simply say "it seems logical." Why does it seem logical to your character? Was he educated in the fine arts? Does he have a lot of street smarts? Something that seems logical to a robber may not seem logical to an accountant. It is your job as a reader to show this. Simply stating your character's past once casually in a conversation WILL NOT DO IT! You need to reveal, or give hints to the backstory ALWAYS through your character's actions. Essentially, your backstory needs to be the backbone of EVERYTHING YOUR CHARACTER DOES! It's a three-step process. Here's something I quoted from one of my PMs to another pony with the exact same problem.
Looking at your character, his backstory DOES NOT match up with his thinking, nor his actions. You could argue that the rough and tough nature of Manehatten shaped him into being so pessimistic and arrogant, but that's boring. We want to see him be weak! We want to see his fears, and him facing those fears! If you don't give your character a "I don't give a fuck about anything" attitude, that's exactly how the reader's going to feel about your story.
The path to creating an interesting character is through the backstory. The more you reveal your character's backstory, the more you reveal about your character's thinking, and the more you explain why the character does what he does. When your reader understands why your character does what he does, you strike a familar connection with him, and thus, capture his attention. Your character does not do this.
I really can't stress how much a backstory really is, even though I gave it my best shot in this review. I would review the conflictless plot, or the actionless dialogue, but I'm really stuck here, at your character. Why should I care what's happening to the character if he doesn't give a fuck either?
If you require help in making Ink Blot a better, three dimentional character, either find an editor, or send me a PM. I'm pretty erratic when it comes to replying to messages, but I will do Sim my best to help those who want to learn.
Overall, even though it did kill a few minutes, I didn't really enjoy reading this story. The grammar mistakes were very distracting, your character wasn't very likable, too perfect, had a waste of a backstory, not to mention not taking advantage of the emotional toll of his blindness, and in the long run, uninteresting.
I wish you the best of luck in the future.
Summary: [6/15] 40%
Grammar: [1/5]
Character (OCs): [1/5]
Character (Canon): [4/5]
2044802 I appreciate the feed back and trust me, Ink's past is NOT pretty. I'm still writing chapter two which will dive deeper in his back story and relationship with Vinyl. There is ONE significant down side to his vision spell, I will touch base on this later. I will do the same with how he paints. Grammar has always been a struggling point for me and since I have no proof reader I have to manage what I can on my own. I realize that my O.C.'s are typicaly like you described. As for the character personalities....I can't really pin point on them. I understand that I made Fluttershy seem a bit more suspicious than she usually is a bit out of character I understand. Ink does have many fears, he just hides them from view. They will re-surface in later chapters and will continue until the final climax.
Thanks for the luck, I'll need it.
2045319 Just remember, show, don't tell. I'd really hate to see Ink simply get into another conversation with Twilight and just spill his entire backstory. Or if the narration does it, that wouldn't be very well done. Show the effects of your character's backstory through his actions and behaviors (which was simply the entire idea of the huge wall of text above) and everything else will fall in place.
If you need a proofreader, may I suggest Overly-Extensive Writers? They're quite a good group if you need an obsessive and a keen eye for editing. I recommend you'd check them out.
2045422 Thanks for the group link. I don't plan on spilling everything in one go.
Wow, just wow
please continue
Hahahahaha Twilight = Elektra
GETTIT!?!
But in all seriousness, this is preety damn decent
You still took my mane style
2055538 Sorry forgot that kickback had the whole black and white mane and tail thing
taking time away from The Hunter's Heart to bring *Flugelhorn* Shadow Bolts Review:
(I felt it right here bro *pounds chest*), I hope he gets justice(revenge) in the future. Any particular reason why he's being picked on?
The beginning very BWAAA
Everytime I see 360 sight spell I think Neji Hyuga from Naruto.
Twilight has to know it all(just like her)
Apparently Ink created the spell and tried to teach it to someone(got a Star Wars vibe for some reason) that caused something unfortunate to happen.*end of review*
A very good chapter with a very emotional beginning. Maybe in the future of your stories I would like to see(get it again? got to stop doing that) what your OCs look like. Now back to The Hunters Heart, Allons-y.
This how I'm imagining on what he see's.
th07.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2012/135/2/6/neon_octavia_by_ultimateultimate-d4zw3i7.png
th03.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2012/133/2/6/neon_vinyl_scratch_by_ultimateultimate-d4z4cta.png
2056836 I'm sorry.
I've discovered a proofreading program and I'm starting to use it. Hopefully the story will be better.
2056509
THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN I HAD ORIGINALLY PLANNED!!
th01.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2011/350/e/3/twilight_sparkle_by_up1ter-d4jayzk.png
2057469
) I guess you want the other pics of the characters too?
I agree, thanks me(I'm awesome admit it
2057809 Nah I'm good plus I know where to find them on deveiantart.
Oh well whatever, I'll post them when which characters show up(should I show Twilight in every chapter since obviously she'll be in every chapter?)
2059802 I welcome all types of feedback.
2059877 Thank you but remember they are pre-proofreader program so prepare yourself for horrible grammar
Whoa dude...Matt Murdock pony had it rough
2088663 You aint seen nothing yet!
2089466 Damn spelling!
2089644 I recently found a proofreading program, thanks for the offer.
2091305 You still can if you want, I know that I must have made a few.....strike that. A LOT of mistakes.
*Trumpet* What Time Is It?
AdventureReview Time:Why does Ink need a window, he cant see? (Does that spell come with X-ray vision?)
Nice art work
Did you think I wouldn't noticed that? My eyes see everything.(Get it? Why do I keep doing that? You make it too easy.)
Very emotional flashback, I demand Justice(Vengeance) I know that that's not how he is, but everypony has a breaking point no matter how much they ignore or take it.*end of review*
A great chapter, I'm really enjoying this story alot, might be a 4/5 story maybe even 5/5. I'm sure your aware that this chapter has alot of errors, (what da hell man? What happen to that proofreading program you were using?) just pay attention next time and you should be alright.
2092439 Theres a character in naruto that does that?
2095135
Yes, his name is Sai who draws shit and uses his jutsu to make them come alive.
2095152 Sai?. (Lookes up charahcter profile on the internet) SON OF A BITCH!!!
Ugh! Damn it. Ink isn't devoid of emotion like this guy but I do see the similarities in their abilities. Plus Ink can do it with other forms of art as well not just drawings. (Spoiler alert).
2095245 not much of a spoiler since he already said that, tell me something I don't know.
2095314 Sorry. You'll have to wait.
2095548
what you think about the rest of my review?
Whatever,
2095642 Helpful as always.
I DID use the proofreading program and there are still mistakes?
UGH! Damn you grammar!!!!!
Tell me about it
2045319 I'm guessing the backlash on the spell is you go blind?
2117515 No but I did consider that possibility.