"Did that bomb just talk?" Texas asked in shock.
"Yeah, I just talked!" the bomb responded irritably. "What, you think an explosive constructed of technology this advanced is just going to sit there and count down? No, I've got an AI driving me for excellent customer interface! So would you like me to do an audible countdown? I can do that. Or I can sing your choice of doomsday song while I count down. Or-"
"You can stop counting down," Maud stated firmly.
"What?" the bomb demanded angrily. "Why would I do that? I'm a bomb! I'm supposed to count down and explode! It's my reason for existence, my purpose, my calling! Why would I stop?"
"Because I'll eat you if you don't," Maud pointed out, picking the bomb up with ease. "I already know what you're made of, and my teeth are stronger."
"Go ahead then!" the bomb countered playfully. "Eat me! Let's see how you like me exploding in your-wait, teeth?"
"Yes," Maud confirmed. "I will be taking bites out of you-"
"Oh, whoa, whoa!" the bomb called out desperately. "I mean, I'm down for a lot of things, but if we're talking vore I want it cartoon style swallowing, not torn apart! Okay, I won't explode until you tell me to, countdown stopped." The countdown clock on front of the bomb came to a halt.
"...I'll have to remember that threat," Texas mused to herself.
"What is your name, Mr. Bomb?" Caboose asked curiously.
"I'm Andy, what's it to you?" the bomb demanded dryly.
"I'm Caboose!" Caboose greeted excitedly. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Andy! I know we are going to be the best of friends!"
"I don't even have a head, and already this guy is giving me a headache," Andy complained dryly.
"He's my little brother," Maud pointed out flatly. "Be nice to him."
"I can do that!" Andy offered happily. "I promise I won't blow him up!"
"Looks like I needn't have worried so much," Church observed as he stepped up from around a corner. "Looks like you had it well in hoof, Maud."
"Dad," Maud spoke up, a slight tension in her voice. With no more warning than that, she hurled herself at Church, wrapping her legs around as much of him as she could as he caught her.
"Looks like you found your way back like you said," Texas observed thoughtfully. "Nearly 2000 years, how'd you do it?"
"Well, having an ageless body helped," Church offered jokingly. "As did all the mods for Skyrim. Thanks for including that, Simmons."
"I did?" Simmons asked in surprise. "But some of the mods don't work well together!"
"You apparently fixed that," Church explained easily. "But really, it's thanks to Gary for making the teleporter work. How you doing, Gary?"
The computer blinked to a black screen as green text appeared. "Not bad," Gary responded, "although my static ion sub-matrix is a little itchy. How have you been, Church?"
"Never better," Church responded warmly as he gently stroked Maud's mane. "Never better..."
"The computer can talk?" Simmons gasped in surprise.
"The computer's name is 'Gary'?" Grif demanded in disbelief.
"Skyrim with all the mods kept you entertained for 2000 years?" Texas asked Church in surprise. "I'm genuinely surprised. Does it take you that long to get the hang of things?"
"Well, I was also reliving moments with you and Maud while also making plans for what I'd do when I got back to the now," Church explained readily. "But it only took Gary a little under 1000 years to make the teleporter work to get me back."
"Whoa, wait, time out!" Tucker spoke up urgently. "You had a teleporter that could send you through space and time, and you only used it to get back to now to be with your kid? Weren't you even the slightest bit tempted to mess around with time a bit, play a few pranks, maybe meet some of history's hotties?"
"Well, I did give into temptation a little to fix a couple of things," Church admitted, "but I didn't want to change too much and risk Maud not meeting her Mom. I had a feeling that would have upset her."
"It would have," Maud confirmed calmly.
"And I definitely didn't want to miss Donut's musical," Church agreed. "That's definitely one for the record books."
"Come on!" Tucker complained. "Didn't you at least play a few pranks?"
Church was silent for a moment, and in the silence Texas and Maud could feel his smirk. "Well...I did prepare things for the reading of my will. I mean, I did die, after all. So I thought it would be appropriate to have a will written out. Let me just call up the data file."
"Oh, this is going to be good..." Texas purred eagerly.
"I hope I get the sniper rifle," Tucker exclaimed happily.
"I, Private Leonard Church, being of sound mind and robotic body, do hereby inscribe this posthumous will," Church spoke up dramatically. "In it, I shall detail what I wish to leave to my friends, my comrades, my family. All has been set in motion, so let it be done."
"I'm suddenly nervous about that 'set in motion' bit," Simmons muttered worriedly.
"I think I see where this is going," Grif groaned softly.
"First, to Private Lavernius Tucker," Church continued calmly. "My first comrade under the late Captain Flowers. The one who was always there to make off color jokes, who decided to be the 'bad' Uncle to Maud and thus teach her to handle guys by being the bad influence she would avoid, whom several times I wanted to shove his head up his own ass where it obviously spent so much time..."
"Aw, come on!" Tucker complained sardonically. "If you're going to roast me, at least do a better job! Show your A material!"
"He who did the only good thing I asked of him quite well, making armor for my daughter Maud so she could be safe..."
Tucker shifted awkwardly. "Well...yeah. It was your dying request, after all..."
"To you, I leave...a boot to the head," Church concluded.
"A wha-" Tucker began, only for a 'thoonk!' sound to echo from his helmet as he went over backwards like he'd just been kicked in the head.
"I knew it," Grif groaned dramatically.
"And one for his know-it-all rival Grif," Church added, causing another such sound to echo from Grif's armor as he went over backwards.
"Popcorn?" Maud offered, holding up a bucket to Texas.
"Don't mind if I do," Texas replied eagerly as she watched.
Tucker: "Okay how?!"
Church: "Because magic, science and the universe being as petty as me....oh hey, I actually had you down for two boots to the head..."
BOOT TO THE HEAD!
Is there a doctor in the house? I think I'm dying!
(has a huge bucket full of popcorn) this is gonna be fun.
hey!! where did you get that?!?
quit pinkie!! I don't wanna miss a second of this.
Well that went well.
I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR SOME ONE TO DO THIS AHHAAHHA
And so to my tank Sheila, I leave my entire vast-boot to the head.
Guess Church's will was booted up.
Also, classic video👌
8978072
that is a meme that i hope is repeated a few times in the story
YES! I fucking loved that vid!
By gods, I LOVE that skit!
I want to sick tex on scout just so I can pull out my jumble popcorn with a large pop.
Classic set up and I can't wait to see the rest of the will. I mean, Church likes all of them, so I doubt he'll do much more terrible than boots to the head. I do hope he used his temporary authority after Flowers 'died' to set up some nice stuff via Blue supply requests.
My favorite Boot to the Head version
I found this on the internet. Really, they have everything.
Grif may be alright with his prank if he gets some ice cream out of it
You are a legend.
8978166
I was thinking that he somehow walked up behind them and actually high-kicked them, but a thrown boot makes so much more sense.
And it was hilarious.
Then again, the story never describes them as actually being hit, so perhaps there's something in the armor? It only makes the sound, and they get knocked over.
And another for Donut and the wimp!
I got some ice cream. What flavor, you ask? Boot to the head!
That Volume 16 reference.
8978166
Fun fact. That guy did the music video for Mystery Skulls’ Ghost.
That's a laugh! Hahahaha!
8978051
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
In a robotic voice by the way
I was NOT expecting that.
8978286
I honestly think it was a sound sent to their radios and maybe a high powered air blast to cause an impact. Like the below up to 100
8978501 Do we EVER find ourselves expecting HALF of what our glorious author gives us?
Which, also, works out SO much better!
Though, I DO wonder who gets the rabid Tasmanian Devil stuck in their underpants.
8978560
Tex. Church loves her, but she's also a bitch.
Ah... The Boot to the Head Skit. Love it.
8978286
YOU MADE IT CLICK FOR ME! It's Flowers throwing the boots!
Church: To Sarge, I leave... Two boots to the head and one to the crouch.
Sarge: Awww, fudge pumps- *THUMP THUMP THUMP*
I mean, he has a point.
Welcome to dealing with Caboose.
I get it.
Took the words out of my mouth.
Oh tell me this is going where I think it is.
YES! I love Boot To The Head.
Could you please share? I love this bit.
8978780
Are you eating through your helmet? - York
“Yeah.”
How?!
“Don’t we have a system for that?” - Agent Washington
—————
I bet this will is going to be a foot long.
Bow Chicka Bow Wow
And one more for the lady and the wimp.
on THE front
I also agree that cartoon swallowing is preferable to being torn apart.
Huh... I suppose with your evidenced love of memes in the other stories, I really should have seen that ending coming at some point.
And here we have Andy, the "smart" bomb.
I was expecting to get a boot to the head. I was not disappointed.
So to donut I leave my entire vast boot to the head
And so everyone who read the last part of this chapter and gets what it references, I hereby decree you all to get a cookie...
And a boot to the head.
8982238
*BONK*
I RECOGNIZE THE REFERENCE!
Say, Andy, try this one:
A boot to the head?
i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1408923725i/2986719._UY200_.jpg
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Oh yeah, I guess I'll need to update the counter next time
8984059
Yes.
Boot to the head. Oh so fucking funny, I love this story.
.woN .eroM .eM .eviG
A boot to the head???!!! SERIOUSLY?!! I LOVE THAT JOKE!
Ah the good ol' boot to the head.
Lol, love boot to the head.