The week seemed to blow by faster than any of the residents of Blood Gulch expected, and this time Maud was firmly ensconced in her cave with Doc, which was firmly marked off-limits as far as troop movement. Doc was also under orders to never take his eyes off Maud until the battle was over, as her teleportation ability seemed to be based on being out of sight. This was a direct result of a discussion between Sarge and Captain Flowers.
(1)"Maud was in Grif's line of fire when he confronted Church!" Sarge had declared firmly. "This not only inhibited Grif's ability - though I hesitate to call it that - to act, it also put Maud in danger! These training rounds are designed to interact with our armor, but she doesn't have armor! Who knows what it'll do to her! Not to mention someone might get unscrupulous and decide to hold her hostage to force the other side to surrender!"
"While I don't think the latter is a valid possibility," Flowers had responded thoughtfully, "you raise many valid points. Doc will take steps to keep her out of the battle until it is concluded."
"Good!"
And now the battle had begun. Sarge had given different orders this time around. Rather than sending one of them straight after the enemy flag, each of them was given one of the opposing soldiers as their specific target to confront. Sarge would be going after Church personally, as he wanted to get even for his humiliation upon first meeting by taking down the Papa Wolf when his cub wasn't in danger, perceived or otherwise. Simmons had not yet performed well enough to earn his own 'get even' assignment, so Grif was assigned to take down Tucker. Simmons was assigned to take down - or at least distract - Captain Flowers.
On the Blue Team, Church and Tucker were assigned to charge the enemy base on two different attack paths while Captain Flowers took up a sniper position, taking aim and intending to take out the Red soldiers as he caught sight of them...if his troops weren't good enough to handle them only, of course. He wasn't going to take victories away from them.
The battle would be very different from last time.
Church made his way towards Red Base, grasping his machine gun tight in his hands. He was ready to take the Reds down. He wouldn't let them get Maud. He was not about to-
A red-clad fist caught him in the side of his head, sending him sprawling and dropping his gun. He quickly pulled the knife from his hip, but it was kicked out of his hand as he was tackled to the ground. He tried to punch, kick, gouge, headbutt at his assailant...but he quickly found himself pinned to his stomach. He started to take a breath, trying to find that state...
"She's not here," Sarge's voice echoed in his ears. "She's perfectly safe. She's in no danger. I'm not going to hurt her. I'm not going to take her away from you. You can see her any time. She needs you alive."
As Church felt the words echo in his head, he struggled to find that state and push past them...but could not.
A shotgun blast of paint caught him in the back of his head, fusing his face to the ground as his armor locked up. "Now stay there, Private!" Sarge declared firmly. "This round is ours...and that's okay." Sarge then turned and walked away...only to turn back and fire a few more times to fuse Church's entire body to the ground. "Just making sure!" He then added an extra coat to Church's head...and the rest of him. And one more to his head for good measure. "Just take a quick nap, okay?" He then turned and went looking for Grif, certain the orange armored slacker would be in need of assistance or rescue, which he could hold over his head to try and get extra work out of him.
Grif made his way carefully across the open plains of Blood Gulch. There wasn't much in the way of cover beyond a few large boulders, and that made Grif nervous. He should be able to see Tucker coming, but he had caught no sight of the Blue soldier. "I don't like this..." he muttered as he moved near the cliff wall.
"Surprise, mother-fucker!" Tucker screamed out as he leapt down from the cliff directly above, opening fire as he came down.
To Tucker's surprise - and Grif's, for that matter - the orange armored troop spun out of the way of the shots before delivering a spin kick to the back of Tucker's head, knocking him into the cliff wall. "How'd I do that?" Grif demanded in shock.
"You'd better hope you can do it again!" Tucker snapped out as he lunged for Grif, only to take a punch that sent him sprawling. "How the fuck did you get so strong?" he demanded as he got to his feet, only to stumble as one foot became encased in the training paint.
"I mine at night," Grif replied readily as he pulled out a hefty sledgehammer. "It's rather exciting. Four!" He pulled the sledge back like a golf club.
"Oh god nooooOOOOOO!" Tucker screamed as the sledge connected with the crotch of his armor, sending him into the air.
Grif then pulled out a bow and arrow with a training paint round for an arrowhead, taking careful aim. "...pull," he finally said before shooting. The arrow caught the falling Tucker right in the back of his helmet, the round releasing its charge to encase Tucker's entire head as he came down. "Bullseye. Looks like fighting those skeletons for the really shiny rocks paid off. Time to get to the Blue Base."
As he turned to head for the base, Sarge fell off a distant boulder in stunned amazement. "Grif...effective? It's not possible..."
Flowers frowned as he watched his men get taken down one at a time. "...they've really improved in just a week," he mused to himself. "I definitely need to get my men to train harder. Still..." He carefully took aim at Grif. "Now it's time to-"
"AAAAAAGHH!" Simmons screamed out as he tripped and fell off the top of the canyon, bounced several times, and came down on top of Flowers' sniper rifle, breaking it in half and causing all its paint ammo to discharge all at once, completely coating Simmons and getting Flowers' right side as he'd tried to spin out of the way.
Flowers carefully glanced down his left side...and saw, as expected, that he'd put all his melee weapons on that side, meaning all his ranged weapons were trapped in the giant paint muck. "Well...that's inconvenient..."
(1) Thanks PopsicleTart for this idea.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/11/4/757645.png
Are we now just going to find Indie games to assign for each character now?
Like give Caboose Undertale powers, Tucker Unturned powers, Simmons Fez powers, Sarge gets Super Meat Boy powers, I don't know!
IT'S MADNESS! AND I LOVE IT!
So Maud is going to play with the Red team this week.
PS It's not exactly what I meant the last chapter, but still. Good going Grif, I believe in you.
I'm also having a hard time believing it. Somehow, the promise of a small stoic equine has overcome not only his remarkable drive to be as lazy as humanly possible, but also the baseline ineptitude normally sought after for such
shthole assignments as "strategically useless box canyon in the middle of bumfk nowhere, space."
I call hax, while also blaming (thanking?) Maud.
Sarge may be insane, but he isn't a COMPELTE idiot.
Easier said than done.
Once again, Sarge proving that he isn't a total idiot.
I, don't know.
I think it's 'fore'. Also, nice reference.
I'm as stunned as you are, Sarge.
Quite.
8465443
Eh, Grif isn't Grif unless he messes up somewhere.
Donut: So, whatcha doing there, Maud?
Maud: Writing a poem.
Donut: Can I hear?
Maud: I like rocks, I love my dad, they both rock.
Donut: That's nice.
8465444
Fair enough.
That would be fore, but whatever. Plus, i can use this joke!
Griff what are you doing? listen to the music! Be lazy!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_XGxzMrq04
I'm starting to think this universe is making up for the whole Grifball thing...
Yay I helped.
Mmm... no.
Grif's not going to become THAT strong THAT quickly.
Simmons winning with an accident, I can buy. Sarge's plan I can see working. Grif was OBESE. Even if he'd been mining non-stop until the time of the skirmish, he'd never get that strong that fast, and he'd DEFINITELY not be as quick as it makes him out to be and he'd NEVER take a crotch-shot at Tucker without tucker having shot him in the arm or leg at some point.
Seems that Sarge can really whisper Sweet Nothings to Church all day any day...
Wait, what the heck did I just type?
... Tex may have a harder time, punching Grif's nuts this time around.
8465508
I Grif can defeat Tex, I give up.
As in, that directly conflicts with everything in the show.
8465502
Unless he Mines on Hard-core mode, because when you play that you get good fast or lose the world.
8465508
Nah, Tex’s baddassery nullifies his strength any day
Isn't there a law of the universe where Grif has to be used for comedy relief?
8465502
you did see the season where he was left alone right? He recreated the entre blood gultch team, learned Spanish, and was even a descent shot. Griff is lazy and I mean really lazy, but he can be effective if given a reason to be effective.
The trick is getting him to have a reason to be effective.
I'll just leave this here.
8465502
You do realize that some of the strongest men in the world have a gut right? As for speed... Well, that's actually more reaction time than speed, something that Grif has definately improved if he has been mining at night.
8465502
he is a Steve? now I do believe.
which means that Grif can now most likly bench press about 90% of the sun
I’m wondering how Lopez will change this, if at all.
Church just took Sarge's... AHHHHH. I can't type this! Just read this and make up your own joke.
Bow Chicka Bow Wow 😣
Anybody else think of Grifball, Pinkieball, or Rariball? I imagined his bouncing being like that.
I guess he can't just pull it out.
Bow Chicka Bow Wow
8465502 You forget the natural order died when Maud arrived. The pony order is now in place which means anything is possible.
8369546
Honk honk.
8465477
Grifball's going to have an entirely new look to it.
Now whoever has the ball is going to stay themselves, and everyone else is going to turn into Grif.
Much asskicking will ensue.
Tats, not that I'm complaining, but wtf are you doing with the Reds and Blues?
Well silly of course you can’t take her away from her. Wait, can you!?
In the future:
*Griff getting a punch to the crotch*"What's your problem with my balls?!"
Tucker: "HAH! Not so funny when it happens to you, huh?!"
8465568
8465599
I said a harder time. I didn't say it wouldn't happen.
away from YOU
8465715
Damit, you beat me to it.
*Ahem*
I feel sorry for tucker
So, Tucker is taking Grif's position as 'cock shot test dummy'?
Sarge: "Oh and by the way, you just got SARGED you darn dirty blue! Heh heh!"
8465444
I remember seeing a Three Stooges episode when I was a kid of them playing golf and instead of Fore, Moe yelled "Twelve!".
Should have had Grif yell that. He would both mess up and it would be a callback. Still, good one.
Can Caboose please find a shovel to fight with so he can be Shovel Knight? I think it would fit well alongside Miner Grif.
8465411
Caboose...Considering his wackiness he would probably be given Terraria weapons or something
And I thought Tucker was the only one who owns the trope Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass. I'm liking this version of Grif.
8466383 8465411
Caboose needs Shovel Knight stuff, because only an idiot would use a shovel as a weapon. And Shovel Knight is Blue. And which character would have the idea to use a shovel as a pogo stick other than Caboose?
grif bit: ,,,,,,,,,,, its grif. don't question it.
8465972
not surprised most people forget grif was a soldier plus mining at night on minecraft gives you great reflexes
oops
8466766
True. Grif probably has Knockback 10 on that thing or something. For use against creepers.
Man, grif getting fit af? Didn't see that coming.