Over the next few days, Sarge insisted on continuing to 'teach' Maud various lessons in safety, physics, mathematics, and other such skill sets...all of which somehow resulted in Grif getting shot at, thrown through the air, blown up, smashed into a wall, other painful experiences, or some combination thereof all at once. Church simply found himself watching in amazement at how this all happened, especially as Grif so far seemed to be the one Red soldier Maud was starting to grow fond of (Church privately suspected this was why Sarge was now focusing on causing harm to Grif, out of jealousy), and yet she seemed to enjoy watching him get hurt as part of her teaching experience. Admittedly she always had Doc there as soon as it was over to patch Grif up - even if Doc himself didn't know he was there until Maud told him to go patch up Grif - but it was still somewhat disturbing.
He'd gone up to the roof of Red Base to try and clear his head and make sense of this behavior that didn't lead him to concluding that Maud was turning into a mini-Tex and what that might say about how Tex would act towards him if she ever showed up in Blood Gulch. However, it wasn't long after he'd gone to do that when he saw Grif and Simmons moving up to a different part of the roof, and couldn't help but overhear their conversation.
"Simmons, can I talk to you about something?" Grif asked worriedly.
"Do you want to talk about why we're here again?" Simmons asked idly.
"No, this is more important," Grif replied calmly. "And...more personal."
"Well...alright," Simmons allowed. "I'll give it a shot."
"I'm worried I'm becoming a masochist."
Church was very glad he wasn't drinking anything at that moment.
"You're...what?" Simmons asked in surprise. "Why?"
"Well, a masochist is someone who enjoys getting hurt, right?" Grif pressed.
"Actually, a masochist is specifically someone who takes sexual gratification in being injured or humiliated," Simmons clarified carefully. "Well, that's the usage most people think, anyway. Technically, it's a broader term and can encompass someone who enjoys an activity that seems painful or tedious."
"Like how you enjoy dusting shelves in the Base?" Grif pointed out. "And polishing the floors? And-"
"Only in the broadest sense," Simmons growled irritably. "But...yes. Why do you think you're becoming a masochist?"
"Because I enjoy making Maud smile."
Simmons turned to look directly at Grif. "I...don't think I follow."
"Remember Maud's physics lesson?" Grif offered happily.
"You mean when Sarge taught her to build a catapult to launch you into the air so he could shoot you, to teach Maud about the principles of levers?" Simmons clarified. "Or the one where he said you were equal to me times 2 because you were as fat as ten men - which you honestly aren't anymore since you started...mining, was it? - and blew you up in an attempt to make two of me?"
"Yes," Grif confirmed ruefully. "Thing is...I was actually eager for going again after I saw that me flying through the air like that put a small smile on Maud's face. If it made her happy, if she enjoyed watching me going through all of that...then I wanted to keep doing it, no matter how much it hurt. ...does that mean I'm turning into a masochist?"
Simmons thought about that for a time. "Do you actually enjoy the pain, or just the end result of Maud enjoying herself?"
"End result," Grif confirmed quickly. "Though...getting flung out of a catapult was kinda fun. Getting shot in the nuts on the way down...not so much."
"Then I don't think you're a masochist so much as an amazingly good big brother," Simmons allowed. "And possibly just a tad whipped."
"...whipped, huh?" Grif mused thoughtfully.
"Why'd you talk to me about it, anyway?" Simmons asked curiously.
"A few reasons, really," Grif replied readily. "Mostly to do with why I wouldn't talk to anyone else about it. Maud's too young to even learn what 'masochist' means..."
"Agreed," Simmons replied with a nod.
"I definitely don't get along with Tucker, and you can imagine how he'd react if I asked him if he thought I was becoming a masochist."
"Endless pain-sex jokes, teasing, hazing, and calls of Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow?" Simmons offered ruefully.
"Exactly," Grif agreed. "Doc or Flowers would probably try to psychoanalyze me completely...or try and 'fix' me. Definitely not something I need."
"And I don't even want to imagine how Sarge would react if you talked to him about being a masochist," Simmons insisted fervently with a shudder.
Grif was silent for a time. "...that's something to think about for later," he admitted finally. "But you know I'm a deep thinker, and we were in basic together. I know I can talk to you about things, and you'll listen and comment intelligently, even if sometimes it'll be boring or only tangentially connected to what I asked you about, and you might end up going off on a rant on a subject I don't understand...well, you'll still care about what I have to say. You're...you're the closest thing I have to a friend in this canyon."
Simmons stood in stunned silence for a time. "W...wow, Grif," he managed finally. "I...I don't know what to say..."
"Then say nothing," Grif suggested. "Just take the compliment."
"...thanks," Simmons said finally as they both stared out at the canyon. After a time, Simmons spoke up. "You didn't mention trying to talk to Church."
"Oh, right," Grif responded jokingly. "How would that go? 'Hey Church, I think your daughter is turning me into a masochist! What are you doing with my small intestine? I don't think it has that much tensile strength!'"
Simmons laughed with Grif. "Okay, yeah, I see your point there," he allowed warmly. "But hey! Maybe you should try talking to Sarge about these things as if you really were a masochist? Like, as a prank?"
Grif turned to Simmons. "Simmons, there are days where I really like the way you think. This is one of them."
Church stayed very quiet, doing his best to pretend he hadn't heard any of that.
"Alright Maud!" Sarge roared out later that day. "It's time for your lesson in medicine! Now where is Grif? I need visual aids!"
"Here I am, sir!" Grif called out as he walked up, Simmons following behind him. "And I had a suggestion for how to do today's lesson!"
"Oh?" Sarge asked in surprise. "Alright, let's hear it."
Grif held a leather whip out to Sarge. "I was thinking you could teach Maud about medicine by giving me a hundred lashes or so to demonstrate how flesh bruises, blisters, and scars before teaching her how to treat it. You'll need to make them good and hard though, since I don't bruise easily."
Sarge stared at the whip hanging from Grif's outstretched hand, and then took several steps back. "Maud, we're going to go find Doc, and he's going to teach you what he can about medicine...far away from Grif!" Turning, he raced off.
Maud gave Grif a brief, small smile, and then followed sedately after Sarge.
Chuckling, Grif shot Simmons a thumbs up.
..................... Joke: success!
Also, I think that Tex might be the ONLY person in this story who would have NO problem cussing around Maud. And she ends up giving Maud TIPS on how to CLEVERLY cuss (Like Deadpool in his recent movie.) which would end up making her the FUN mom and Tex would get a laugh at all the guys ending up getting aneurism's from Maud knowing what Cockbite is, or even calling one of the guys a "Fucking idiot".
That was very nice of you Tatsuro. I feel so nice inside right now. Thank you.
Accurate.
And because he likes seeing Grif in pain.
Come again?
Yeah...
... I think I follow, but go on.
Probably, yes.
Accurate.
I don't want to know either.
Aaaaw! That's, actually sweet.
That's the best thing to do.
You'd be surprised.
I'm worried.
*cackling* GLORIOUS!
8480818
Honestly I don't think you're that far off if you look at the cover picture it looks like Church and Tex are those shoulder devil and angel, Church being the good and Tex being the bad
I'd imagine he'd BSOD at the fact, since it either means 1. Grif is developing a crush on Sarge (obviously incorrect, but this IS Sarge), 2. It's now impossible to make Grif suffer, or 3. All of the above.
EDIT: Looks like I was right... though some of "brain isn't functioning" is replaced by fear it seems...
AWWWW...! That's just the cutest thing! Big bro Grif! I love it!
And nows the time to announce it.
I AM NOW THE 1000TH COMMENT ON THIS STORY!! HAZZAH!
*Celebratory music*
Thank you! Thank you! I appreciate being special very much. This means so much and so little at the same time.
Annnnd post co- Wait.
*Checks the comment score*
1000... So I'm 1001, Who was 1000!?!?
*Checks again*
ME!?! I ALREADY DID IT! GREAT, NOW I MADE AN ASS OF MYSELF. I THOUGHT I COUNTED THEM AND THIS WOULD BE THE 1000 COMMENT IF NO ONE ELSE-
8480851
Oh...
Well f#%k me then...
As much as I like your work, you're losing me.
You're still changing the fundamental reasons for why the characters were amusing to begin with, and I'll have to stop following this before it drives me insane.
I'll leave the like on it though.
I'm pretty sure the reason Church stayed quiet was because his brain was busy trying to reboot after hearing all those conversations.
8480851
...They are still AI though, aren't they.
So are you going to go with flowers turning into caboose? Or are you just going to have caboose as a new recruit?
8480881
...INTERESTING choice of phrase there....
Reboot Indeed... heh heh heh....
So does that mean the end of this chapter confirms that Grif is our Whipping boy?
You know what they say Grif; no pain, no gain.
Not sure if Sarge has too much leverage teaching Maud all those lessons. Especially since the subjects seem to be catapulting around one particular individual.
two of YOU
Also, bigbrotherness aside, you'd think Maud would have learned to stop shooting the hand that feeds her on her own.
Considering that in MLP's canon, from what we've seen, Maud has smiled all of... Twice. So that's quite the accomplishment.
8480873
Introducing a new character, either oc or from crossover, SHOULD change things. You have no idea how frustrating it is to read a fic that has a new character who is only there to comment on the original story.
I feel like Sarge just had something ruined for him.
8481108
I agree completely.
But that does NOT give reason for what made characters entertaining in their original source material to be changed as DRASTICALLY as what's happening here.
Grif was fat and lazy in the show, he should be fat and lazy HERE.
Simmons was a brown-nose who dedicated his life to being Sarge's second-in-command, he should be HERE.
NEITHER of these things are happening, and you can argue about how early into Blood Gulch it is that Sarge should have realised these, but it's not Sarge who's being changed.
8481128
....*points at Dragon Ball Z Abridged*....which Tats will also be doing a fic for.
I could be wrong but I think Tucker would use-
I'm going to backtrack somewhat before I get into Donut territory. Like... Donut's words are somehow worse than Tucker's jokes.
Jake Witt is supposed to be the me I want to be... but what if he's the me I don't see? That's deep...
Bow Chicka Bow Wow? I don't know.
Just wait until Donut gets here, then we'll have an actual masochist...maybe...
Or someone to give Maude fashion/boy advice...
As for when Lopez is made I can see him and Maude getting along, having perfectly monotone conversations.
I can't believe that worked.
8481141
DBZA is a parody. The only thing to really stay true to the original is the basic events themselves. You CAN'T compare the situations
This is closer to a 'What if...' scenario involving how EVENTS would change with the addition f a pony. Character traits and personalities should NOT be changed to match the addition.
Epic trolling at its finest
8481034
Five, actually. There was also Gift of the Maud Pie and those two times with Starlight
8481295 I didn't notice that. i stand corrected.
8480993
No, two of me. Sarge was suggesting using an explosion would divide one Grif, to create two Simmons, because Grif=Simmons*2.
8481242
As far as Grif being fat and lazy...
He's also a big brother in canon. And given how much he puts up from Sister and still looks out for her, a dedicated big brother. And here there's a little filly in need of tending. Big Brother instincts kick in full force. He finds being a big brother to her helps him be lazy, but the work he puts in to take care of her means he isn't as fat anymore.
As far as Simmons...
He has three major traits. Brown noser, super logical, and a friend (however strangely) to Grif. Any sense of logic has been destroyed by Maud's mere presence, so he's reeling and trying to get a hold on the situation. Suddenly, Grif is giving him a way to grip the situation, by approaching the illogical in an illogical manner. Their little conversations become his rock, one thing that hasn't changed. And if helping Grif prank Sarge means Sarge spends less time trying to bond with Maud by hurting Grif, then Sarge will be spending time with Maud away from Grif, giving Simmons a chance to bond with her in an attempt to impress Sarge.
I haven't discarded their major traits. I've taken the traits they've shown through the entire series and explored how that would change through the addition of Maud.
Just a tad
8480870
Lol
oh man I think grif broke sarge big time in more ways then one!!!!
8481242
The problem there being that all of his stories can be considered parodies.
Look, this isn't something worth turning into a back and forth argument. If you have followed his stories up till now, then you know that the changes he made in this one fit with his normal style. Suddenly abandoning one story because the changes he made aren't even as drastic as Hulk becoming a Mrs. Doubtfire nanny for Rainbow Dash is up to you. Im done, i don't want to argue about this.
Oh that last bit has my sides hurting from laughing.
And as Griff is happily stepping into the Older Brother role... he gets third dibs on avenging Maud if anything hurts her. Church and Tex take first and second based on which of them is closer. I can just see Griff leaping at something while wielding his pickaxe or some other Minecraft weapon and letting out a berserker yell of fury.
8481495
If by dedicated, you mean 'does the absolute minimum to keep her alive', sure, otherwise, he leaves her alone.
Even factoring in his caring for Maud, Grif would never go out and dig for snacks. He'd just share his own.
8482367
Except he knows 'his own' isn't healthy for a non-human child...or a human child, for that matter.
8480820
Yeah, that chapter on Griff was fantastic.
Grif literally has brass balls
8480843
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Really? Huh. I'll take your word for it then...
Completely missed that while binge watching the entire thing... Must've been when I blacked out out of exhaustion while the seasons were still going...
8482880
As in Sarge's heritage was never detailed at all...thus why Sarge claimed Maud "couldn't prove he wasn't at least 5% Norse".
8482887
... Hold up, my mind must have ingestion problems, cause I'm having a massive brain fart.
So Sarge' herritage was never detailed, so you made one up for him. Or... it was a joke in the show...
8482895
It was never detailed, so Sarge made a claim here that can't be proven or disproven to justify his choice of swear word substitutes. His actual heritage doesn't matter as far as that.
In other words, you're way overthinking it.
8482922
You worded it weird...
8482400
No. He knows his snacks aren't healthy, period.
Also, Pinkie Pie has probably eaten a LOT worse.
8482367
You seem to have forgotten one important difference between Maude and Grif’s sister. Sister is an idiot, probably the biggest idiot in the entire RvB series (who somehow is able to run a series of conventions all by herself, but we can chalk that up as the same reason Caboose was able to put Epsilon into the monitor and Loco can building a time machine out of drilling parts and toys). I think that Grif sees Maude as a way to redeem himself for not being a good-enough for Kakaina.
Nice chapter, but I'm still conflicted about removing Grif's laziness and obesity. Sure, your other PWNY characters often had the ponies serving as a catalyst for development, but they rarely ever took out a character's key comedic traits which I feel you're doing by removing Grif's laziness and fatness. However, there is a way to compensate for this;
Double down on Grif's already established gluttony.
This would work for the following reasons;
1. While mining made Grif thinner and less lazy, the extra work would still increase his appetite giving him a reason to devour even more food
2. Maud is a pony with no fingers or opposable thumbs so human eating etiquette doesn't apply to her. Thus Grif would have no problems eating like a slob around her
3. Grif's messy eating would subconsciously remind Maud of Pinkie (who's a pretty messy eater with a large appetite herself) making her happy and further encouraging Grif's terrible table manners
4. It would give Sarge a reason (even better, a petty reason) to hate Grif thus preserving a KEY ingredient in many of Red Vs Blue's best jokes
8483899
Alright, that's something I can use. Thanks.
Which is sad, but also entirely accurate.
Grif nut shot count: 2
If I wasn't already dying, this would've started on it!!!
8481108
8481128
IMHO, Probably best to mostly keep the initial personalities compatible with canon unless going wildly different for the sake of parody.
Let me break what I said above down:
Mostly - Tiny tweaks for the sake of ease of writing can be acceptable, or even desirable. Calling these out in an author's note, footnote, or other such authorial paratext is often desirable.
Initial - Experiences can effect personality. This is actually a central point in a lot of Tats work, although not all. Mostly when he is redeeming a villian, but Rarity meant that Batman didn't get a out of shape physically (and mentally) IIRC.
Compatible - If a certain aspect of a character's personality is vague or never covered in the original, specifying it is fine. If Wreck-It Ralph had a basic knowledge of trees because he lived in a forest before the condo was built, that would be an example, although probably not the best.
Wildly - A bit like the Uncanny Valley effect, sometime nothing or a lot are okay, but some is bad.
What do you call a skydiving Grif? Skeet