Texas stared up in disbelief at the massive construction that stood to one side of Red Base, having just been wheeled out after having been completed. "So...this is your weaponized love and snuggles?" she asked Sarge carefully, doing her best to not let any emotion into her voice.
"Yup!" Sarge declared proudly. "Isn't she a beauty?"
The weapon was a huge construct of metal and tubes, standing nearly twice as large as a Scorpion Tank. It stood on the platform it was rolled out on on four thick legs, with the primary charging coils looped into a barrel structure between them. Power cables stretched back from the rear into the base in straight lines, and vents curled up and over the business end before pointing down towards the ground. None of this would be all that unusual...until one realized that the 'face' of the weapon was an actual face, a rather familiar one.
"Why is it shaped like a pony?" Texas asked curiously.
"Because ponies are the ultimate weapon!" Sarge declared proudly as the sun's light glittered off the gray metal of the weapon, shimmering in the light as its eyes glowed, showing it was getting power.
"Miniature ponies, maybe," Texas allowed half jokingly.
"That's why this is just the proof-of-concept siege/test model!" Sarge exclaimed excitedly. "The final models will hook into smaller charge tanks strapped to our backs and be hand-held, like superior flame throwers! We'll keep this one for dealing with entrenched installations!"
Texas had a sudden mental image of military installations desperately struggling to hold the line as massive metal ponies kicked doors in and blasted tanks and jeeps to smithereens with lasers from their mouths as their eyes extended mini-guns to take out flying enemies. It was somewhere between terrifying and adorable. "And...what do you call it?" she asked curiously. "Earlier you were calling it the...Snuggles'n'Love-"
"Yeah, Donut was right about that being a bad acronym," Sarge allowed ruefully. "No way was I going to try and win Maud over with a pony SLAVE. So instead...behold the Multi-emotional Anti-blue Utilitarian Distributor cannon!"
"The...MAUD cannon?" Texas clarified carefully. She looked over the weapon again carefully. Once she saw the power cables as a tail and the exhaust vents as a mane, she could see they were in the same style as Maud wore hers. And the shape of the muzzle... "Yeah, I can see the resemblance."
"Do you think Maud will like it?" Sarge asked hopefully.
"Why not show it to her?" Texas asked curiously. "You're trying to hire her with it, after all. Instead you asked me to come see it without her, which...really doesn't make much sense."
"I wanted your opinion on the design," Sarge explained worriedly. "If it's one Maud wouldn't like, we'd have to completely redesign the exterior before even considering a test-fire, and that could take another week!"
"And now you want to test-fire," Texas observed calmly.
"Only if you think she'll like it!"
Texas thought about that for a time. "Well, Maud's a lot like me in a lot of ways...and I think she's more impressed with function than fashion. However, if it does work well, I think she'd love the idea of a weapon of mass destruction that had her face."
"Excellent!" Sarge declared happily. He tapped his communicator. "Simmons! Prepare to test-fire!"
"Preparing to test-fire!" Simmons called back. "Energizing the fuel lines, performing checks...uh, we've got a few red lights-"
"Anything that'll prevent it from firing?" Sarge demanded hotly.
"Uh...no, it'll definitely still fire," Simmons allowed.
"Then ignore them!" Sarge ordered angrily. "Keep it charging!"
"Understood sir!"
At that moment, Texas' communicator beeped. "Mom!" Caboose demanded insistently. "Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mom! Mom-"
"What?" Texas demanded irritably.
"I'm just calling to say I love you, Mommy!" Caboose greeted warmly. "Oh, and Sis wants to know how checking out the weapon is going!"
"It's certainly aesthetically pleasing," Texas allowed thoughtfully. "And it looks like it's going to fire soon-"
"Then I want to see it," Maud said from Texas' hands, having somehow taken the place of the assault rifle she'd been holding.
"Mom!" Caboose gasped in shock. "Did you know Sis could turn into a gun?"
"I knew she could function as one," Texas joked, unable to stop herself from smiling as Maud looked eagerly up at the weapon wearing her name and face.
"She is amazing!" Caboose affirmed excitedly. "I wonder if I can turn into a weapon?"
"I think you would make a very effective weapon with the proper training," Texas allowed thoughtfully. "I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be in this canyon otherwise."
"It's so nice of you to say that," Caboose responded.
Texas paused. His voice sounded...off. And familiar. She started to make a quick mental check-
<"Texas!"> Church called out worriedly. <"Are you alright? I just got a feeling that...something had gone wrong. I don't know how to explain it better.">
"I was just about to check when you called!" she snapped irritably. "Can you be quiet long enough for me to-"
"Mom?" Maud asked worriedly, looking...at her shoulder.
"What's wrong, Maud?" she asked quickly, starting to feel somewhat afraid. After all, Maud could see and interact with AI projections somehow. She had silenced Omega when she'd initially uppercut him into unconsciousness, and Texas had assumed he'd stayed silent since because she'd made him feel fear in that way. But if that wasn't the case...
"He's gone," Maud stated flatly. "The not-Dad that was not nice is gone."
Texas felt her eyes widen. "This is bad-" Before she could get another word out, she heard mechanisms shifting.
"What the Helheim?!" Sarge shouted out. "Why is the head moving?"
Looking up, Texas saw the head of the MAUD cannon turn towards her, eyes glowing as energy gathered. Without even thinking, she tossed Maud to the side as the mouth opened wide.
A blast of blue-white light erupted out of the mouth of MAUD, so bright that while it lashed out no one could see what had happened.
<"TEXAS!"> Church screamed out in despair. <"NO!">
"Church..." Texas voice whispered, sounding as though she was barely clinging to life. "The AI...Omega...he's gone...protect...Maud..."
When her voice - and the light - faded, all that was left behind were her boots, and a huge gouge in the ground where the beam had ripped it asunder.
Dun DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
Wait, I feel like I'm missing something...
Sniffles.
That's better!
NOOOO!!!!!! TEEEXXX!!
damn that's one op gun.
Welp. I think weaponized Love and Snuggles turned out to be terrifyingly effective. Raise your hand/hoof/other appendage if you agree. *raises hand*
Wat.
... As can I. And, I'm honestly not even surprised by this, this is precisely the kind of insane shenanigans Sarge loves to pull.
And someone's gonna die.
Oh, oh right, Omega's body hopping.
That sounds like Tex's luck.
you killed mommy.............Maud.. is... going...to.. be.....PISSED
Omega has just dun goof'ed. You dont make Maud mad
Is anyone else having flashbacks of Laser Cats?
Did... did Texas seriously get killed this early? That didn't happen in canon! I thought adoptive parents were supposed to be at LESS risk than normal in these fics!
You killed both Tex and Church... Maud takes the price for the shortest living parents in the PWNY-universe, it seems.
Huh... Well that just happened...
Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!! TEX!!!!
*Facepalm* DAMMIT, SARGE!
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!
That's ANOTHER seasoned trooper that won't get to see the other end of the respawn point ever again!
I guess the weapon was effective after all.
8669819
Au contraire, mi amigo. Tex actually died that fast in canon. To DONUT no less! Say what you want about him, he has one heck of a throwing arm. Was able to nail Tex on the chestplate of her armor THROUGH the protective canopy on Shiela's( the smart tank that the Blue's had in canon) driver seat.
Hey Tats, did the Blues ever get Sheila in this story? And for that matter, did the Reds ever get the Puma? Those two objects were kinda important to the story. Well, Sheila was. The Reds always seemed to find/build a new Chupacabra whenever they are at a new base.
#NoREGRETS!
Two parents in one week. Poor Maud.
<"Texas!"> Church called out worriedly. <"estas bien? Acabo de tener la sensación de que...algo anda mal. No se como explicarlo mejor.">
And now Omega's dead , he doesn't know it yet. Poor sarge might be on Maud bad list for a while for making possible that the one she hated gained an OP body
Grif: Let me ask you guys something... Can AI feel pain?
Sarge: Course not! They're AI! They don't got pain-feely-sensors!
Grif: You sure? Because I'm pretty sure Maud's about to introduce that AI to a world of hurt.
Sarge: Well... If there is anyone who can do that, it'll be our Maud.
Grif: Awesome, I'll get the popcorn!
Those mechanized ponies lean more towards terrifying after the demonstration.
8669846
Un fact, Sheila was the one who took Church out...
8669932
Right! Forgot that happened in the fic. It's just that, well, since pretty much everything else about the story has gone completely off script from the actual show.
Which makes Tats even more of a miracle worker that he has maintained the essence of Seson 1-5 RvB while doing so.
8669819
Tex arrived, got back the flag, got rescued, fixed Sheila for three days, got inside her, fired rounds at Red base, and died. That is canon.
I never got upset at deaths in the Blood Gulch Chronicles. Ghost were a thing back then.
Is this how RvB works? Kill off all the interesting characters in the same season that they were introduced, keep the memetastic characters with no character growth I don't care about, rinse and repeat? I hope that isn't the case, even if it gives Tats a bigger canvas to paint upon.
8669926
True...
BTW, Tats, you don't mind if I do a quick infiltration to the Maud Shardniverse to get a copy of the M.A.U.D., right...?
......................................Omega..............you dun goofed.
Omega, you may very well be torn apart, one pixel at a time, very soon...
by a pony...
holding a rock.
8669865
No... if that was the case, she would have gotten mad twice already because: 1) Grif killing Flowers with a cake so sweet it gave him a heart attack and 2) Caboose accidentally killing Church. Since Omega is involved and had clear intent to kill Texas and/or her... Let us just say Omega is several different ways boned to July
For some reason, I was expecting the MAUD cannon to shoot rainbows of happiness.
Well, we did need Tex dying... Now for O'Malley to acquire his trademark RPG!
But hey at least this time caboose did not freindly fire any one
*inhale* Omega
OMEGA IS SO DEAD. I can't wait to see Maud get her vengeance on him!
So is Maud just going to be a sister for Carolina, or a replacement for her?
8669866
Tats, make it happen!
...Well shit. I expected lines from Omega
Uuh.. what the hell just happened?
8669937
They get better.
Well... I sorta called it. I did say it was gonna start getting dark soon. Plus, getting destroyed does count as Tex failing a mission she cares about.
Well....that certainly happened. Omega's gonna get what's coming for him soon enough. So if I remember RvB correctly, Church doesn't know Tex is an AI like him, right? I guess depending on how long they stay in Blood Gulch, they may find that facility with more Texas bodies sooner. If that's even going to be a thing.
8669937
No, not really. Given that Red vs. Blue is a pretty silly show, characters tend to get better if they're killed off, and there's been....one human character that's been killed that I can think of, and it was years after he was introduced.
I believe cannon is Pinkie's schtick. Maud only use her hooves.
8669991
Well we both agree that omega is done for, you could say that...
Omega will lose to the alpha in that team
I can say that Red teams new MAUD was beaming from the attention... Though now I think it's going to be a MAUD Vs Maud fight soon... Or you know, a Church/Lopez sized robot versus a giant robot pony of mass cuddletion.
Just noticed that Caboose was channeling Stewie Griffin as well, wonder how he'll take losing both (second) parents so quickly
Now that Maud's with Tex, I can't stop thinking of this song. Just posting it here as possible inspiration.
8669866
I can already see how his first introduction to pain would be like.
A cookie to whoever knows where those quotes are from.
8670533
One word. Omaly
Given Sarge's propensity for robots, I imagine, in the not too far off future, someone will be calling out "Hi Ho Silver, Away!" from atop a mighty steed.
Oh yeah! Bow Chicka-
Oh nooooooooooo!!!
8670780
OW! THE BACK OF MY FACE!
OW! THE FRONT OF MY SPLEEN!