Church stared at the training dummy Flowers had set up for his training in melee combat. He was armed with a sheathed knife that would register strikes on the dummy without damaging it and nothing else. A few strikes of fist and blade helped him to familiarize himself with the combat method, though an attempt at kicking left him flat on his butt. "Donkey doodle!" he swore...sort of. "What the shell is going on with my vocabulary?" he demanded angrily. "It's pupping annoying!"
"What's wrong?" Tucker asked as he stepped in, no longer fused to Simmons' faceplate. "Too much of a 'good Dad' to teach your kid a few swear words?"
"...what do you want, Tucker?" Church groused as he got back up.
"Just wondering if you're as tough without the rifle," Tucker taunted, shifting into a combat stance with his own sheathed knife. "Sure, you're impressive when you think Maud's in danger, but she's not right now, is she?"
"You did imply-" Church began.
"Geeze, can't you take a joke?" Tucker demanded aggressively. "I'm just yanking your chain, man. I freely admit to being a pig, a lech, a creep, and a total sleazeball when it comes to the opposite sex, and my preferred sense of humor is about as lowbrow as it gets...but I have standards. Maud doesn't fall into the over-under threshold, so I'm not about to seriously consider anything like that with her."
"I'm almost afraid to ask..." Church responded as he shifted into his combat stance. "The over-under threshold?"
"Over 16, under 60," Tucker responded readily. "I'll only consider pursuing that sort of relationship with a girl if she's over 16 the first time I see her, and presently under 60. Otherwise it's just creepy."
"...uh..." Church began awkwardly.
"By my standards," Tucker added pointedly. "Don't be such a prude, dude! Besides, aren't you the one who convinced Maud to accept this by saying she needed to get used to the idea of guys fighting over her? You think you can protect her from that kind of talk forever?"
"She's maybe two or three, developmentally," Church countered pointedly.
"Exactly!" Tucker countered readily as they began to circle each other. "Get her used to the idea that guys talk like that, and she won't be thrown off when they start talking about her like that when she hits puberty, and will be able to respond appropriately. With a kick to the shins, or possibly somewhere higher."
Church stopped his movements. "Wait...you're saying your completely inappropriate behavior earlier is your idea of protecting her?"
"Well I am Uncle Tucker," Tucker allowed logically. "If she's gonna see me as family, I'm gonna act like family...and be the Uncle everybody else wishes didn't spend as much time with the kid. Helps keep her safe from players who don't have morals, and cuts down on my-"
As he'd kept moving as he talked, he now spun around Church before grabbing him under the arms and suplexing him head first into the floor before rolling away.
"-responsibilities," Tucker finished. "By the way, you really need to stay more combat aware. Also, now we're even for the crotch shot."
"...duly noted..." Church groaned as he lay back, rubbing his head through his helmet.
Once the paint had crumbled away, Sarge had immediately sent a call to his men to gather back at Red Base. Simmons had arrived first, and Sarge was now pacing and fuming as he waited for Grif to arrive. They had been soundly defeated - not just defeated, but routed - by the hated Blue menace, and had failed to achieve the goal of claiming the pony for a week! That meant they would have to go, helmet in hands, to ask the Blues for permission to spend time with the adorable engine of destruction, carnage, and physics defying shenanigans. It was totally galling!
As he caught sight of the orange armor, he immediately leapt into his rant. "That was absolutely disgraceful, men!" he declared at the top of his voice. "We were defeated, nay routed, by the hated Blue menace! On top of that, we've failed to claim the pony! Now I'm going to have to parley with the Blue leader again if I want to spend any time with that sweet, tiny, adorable engine of destruction, carnage, and physics defying shenanigans! And it's all your fault, Grif!"
"My fault?" Grif demanded, plainly upset and offended. "How is it my fault?"
"You were the one assigned to get the flag from the Blue Base!" Sarge insisted angrily. "You were the one who talked about how they'd all be trying to take us out, so sneaking in to swipe the flag would catch them off guard! 'The enemy's gate is down', my foot! That's the last time I let you talk me out of putting you to hard work! Why didn't you shoot back at that sniper once you had his position?"
"Because I might have hit Maud, and I didn't want to be ripped in half," Grif pointed out logically. "I didn't have a sniper rifle, so he was well out of my accurate range, and I could see Maud was with him."
Sarge turned that over in his mind angrily, trying to find fault with it...and couldn't. "Alright, that's a fair point," Sarge allowed ruefully. "God almighty, that felt dirty to say. But why didn't you take evasive action to avoid getting hit?"
"During the first volley, standing still was evasive action," Grif pointed out. "If I dodged, I'd more likely move into the path of the bullet rather than out of it. And with the shots he pulled in the second volley, I wouldn't be at all surprised if he could have hit me if I had a solid wall between me and him by putting a spin on the paint ball to make it ricochet off the canyon wall!"
Sarge grit his teeth as he clutched his shotgun tightly. "....alright," he growled angrily. "That is...another good point, dam it all! But why did it take you so long to get back to base when I sounded general quarters?"
"I was looking for the pick ax," Grif explained readily.
"The pick ax?" Simmons asked in surprise.
"No talking out of turn!" Sarge roared at Simmons. He turned back to Grif. "Why in the nine circles would you want a pick ax?"
"To dig up rocks, duh," Grif explained plainly.
"...drudge labor, Grif?" Simmons asked in surprise. "You? Why?"
Sarge wanted to call Simmons on that, but he wanted an answer too.
"Well, Sarge said Maud eats rocks, especially the unusual ones with gem formations," Grif explained. "I figured it'd be good to have a supply here to feed her if she wound up warping in here again, to calm her down. Or on the off chance we end up winning and she stays here."
Sarge stared at Grif in amazement. "...that is...probably a good idea," he admitted finally.
"Thank you Sarge," Grif offered happily. "Now, where-"
"But you had it!" Sarge added emphatically.
"Uh, yeah?" Grif confirmed. "So?"
"I am so darn conflicted right now!" Sarge screamed out in frustration.
"Yeah...so, the pick ax?" Grif asked curiously. "I think I spotted a gem vein further down the canyon. Not big enough for commercial mining, but a few good knuckle size ones as treats for Maud might buy us our Flag back without any humiliating negotiations, and possibly get us in Maud's good books."
"Thor's other beard, Grif, stop being right!" Sarge screamed out at the top of his lungs. "It's violating the natural order of things!"
"Pretty sure the 'natural order' got thrown out the window when the teleporting, rock eating, talking pony showed up," Simmons groused morosely as Grif went off to find the pick ax.
Wow.
I can actually picture Project Freelancer being hella surprised when they have to face competent Red and Blues.
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seind in the canon foder red vs blue
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Yeah. And that's not even counting the "adorable engine of destruction, carnage, and physics defying shenanigans."
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Doubly so if they get protective of Maud. Let's say they want to do experiments on her to find out how she teleports and defies physics...
Okay, that whole conversation that Tucker and Church had, all I can say is this to Tucker's explanation. Kudos dude. VERY nice. The role certainly fits too.
HA no crap Simmons!
Tucker, don't taunt him.
This will end poorly.
Glad to hear it, but, I'm still afraid to ask about that threshold.
I, see.
Easy to forget Tucker IS fairly competent when he puts his mind to it.
Fair enough. Lazy doesn't equal stupid.
Because dodging bullets, especially from a sniper rifle isn't easy, and he was missing him by miles before.
I want to see that.
DamN.
... That is a surprisingly good idea. Good on ya, Grif.
HAH!
Simmons has a point. Wait, other beard?
That's not Grif...that's a changeling!
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Sarge is still censoring his swear words in case Maud is listening. So no, dam. As in the river construction. That he intends to build out of dead Blues.
And the other beard. The one not hanging from his chin.
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That's absurd enough that I can see Sarge trying that.
I can just see Griff tunneling down and down because once he's got a mine going he can hide down there with a recording of mining sounds and Sarge will think he's working when he's really napping. Has Griff played Minecraft by chance??? I can see him just digging away because he honestly wants to find treats for Maud and seeing a flash of green out of the corner of his eye and running out of the mine screaming even if it isn't a real Creeper.
Somehow, I think Grif is going to get a lot more respect in this story.
Grif is being competently proactive, everything's changed
It’s not just me that is finding QUITE disturbing of sensible BOTH sides are being?
Kinda makes sense for Grif to step up his game considering he has a younger sister. His big bro instincts are kicking in and he's wants to make sure Maud doesn't turn into a deviant like Kaikaina did.
Just pointing this out but you have sarge saying grif went after the red flag instead of the blue flag.
sweet, tiny, adorable enging of destruction, carnage
1. Engine.
Seems Sarge pick-d the wrong moment to ax Grif about his action.
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Grif is actually the only one in red team that is considered to be a proper soldier by Alpha and while everyone sees him as lazy, the laziness came from the fact that Grif wasn't cappable of taking Sarge's as a competent commander. As it was shown during a talk on the mine field.
Before the mic changes in the episodes Grif and Simmons were both proactive then Doughnut came in and Grif starts the slacking then a flashback episode makes Griff lazy at boot so the only four main characters that didnt get a major change are Tex Carolina Cabuse and Doughnut
8451949
Caboose went from being just somewhat slow to completely disconnected from reality.
Donut went from somewhat effeminate to offensively gay. In both meanings of the word.
Tex went from being a decent mercenary who was good compared to the Blood Gulch guys, to a nigh-literal Mary Sue.
Tucker and Grif, though
You know what I can totally see grif being acting like this. I mean he is does have a sister he took care of.
Nuf said. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the great work. Deus tecum.
Dear lord.., Grif being right and sarge agreeing with him? The universe will implode in on itself if this goes on much longer
Are we going to get to see the Red's that captured the alien ship at some point?
Why is my main thought on this chapter about Sheila?
I'm just left picturing Maud calling the M8-08B Main Battle Tank 'Step-mum'.
For once, I can fully agree with Sarge. STOP IT, GRIF!!
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wait. would sister even show up here? the reason why she was called in was because captain flowers died, but in this one he hasn't (at least not yet anyways) so would she even show up?
...Does Flowers have to die? I like him.
Also... Have you been playing Skyrim lately? Because Tucker performed one of the most memorable unarmed takedowns in the game.
8452299
Caboose hasn't shown up yet, so we're probably still in the clear for Florida/Flowers to die when he needs to. Unless Tats is planning for a character who only appeared in flashbacks to remain in the story line; but that seems a bit too divergent from canon, even for a PWNY story.
8452315
You could've edited previous post. No need to add another one.
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Actually there is, I'm typing on my phone, and my phone doesn't like editing previous comments, it tends to try and reload the page if I do.
8451935
Grif's answers to Sarge were all pretty good gems, weren't they?
8452435
Ah! Yes that is a common problem with phones still mine works at least good enough for that.
DENIAL
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Gemerally speaking, yes.
sweet mother of tia & luna. I........ I never thought I would get mention like that.
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8452140
Oh god, now I can't wait to see how Sarge and Red Soldier's first meeting will turn out.
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( eyes turn blue ) so.... much.......... crazy..........
Grif is... right.. Awesome!!
8452398
true but i don't quite think things will happen the same way. if Maud goes with church through the teleporter after O'Malley (because lets be honest the reds might not win too often, and Maud has already imprinted on him, this is also if they even HAVE to go after O'Malley) Maud will know more about captain flowers along with his allergies so they won't give him that certain medicine and he won't die so they wouldn't have to call in a replacement for flowers, so sister wouldn't show up
8452177
"Uncle Caboose said he wanted some alone time with Aunt Sheila..."
THIS... is just plain beautiful.
8451817
Will Maud remember her recipe for rock candy?
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For cannon fodder, they would have to die. Which they won't.
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I kind of want to see grif practicing his Pickaxing skills on the fabric of reality.
8451785
The thing about breaking physics is that it tends to be teachable.
I mean look at planes!
Another enjoyable chapter. Great job.
Yes it only takes risk of death or extreme pain for grid to manual labor
8453525
I forgot what ep of red vs blue it was but remember the ep were there they went throw a portal and found a canyon were red and blue that worshiped there flags
8452917 Except they retconned all of Church's time travel shenanigans to just being trapped in a simulation set up by Gamma; much like what was used to break the original Alpha into pieces. Not sure which version of the time travel Tats will use.