Fearless Vampire Killers
Uncle groaned as he slowly came back to himself. "Ugh...what hit me?" he asked ruefully, only to blink as he found himself bound to a wall by writhing ivy as everyone stared up at him with their arms crossed and irritated scowls on their faces. Seeing Audrey carefully crossing the river to approach them all, he managed a smile. "So we won?"
"Barely," Jackie stated firmly, vibrating with intensity. "And you're in big trouble, Uncle."
"Me?" Uncle asked in surprise. "Uncle can't be held responsible for what jiangshi made-"
"For tempting fate so drastically," Hsi Wu growled out angrily, clinging desperately to Jade as though afraid to let her go. "Your recklessness and overconfidence nearly cost everyone their lives and caused the rising of a new Chaos Aligned Nightwarrior! It was only blind luck, desperate gambles, and sheer nerve that we all survived the night!"
Uncle tried to smile. "But we-"
"Was that really worth a bargain?" Sweetie Belle asked softly in a whimper. "All this pain, fear, worry, and nightmares...for a better price on antiques?"
Uncle blinked in shock as he saw the tears in the eyes of his wards...and let his head sink. "No..." Uncle admitted finally. "Uncle had seen such greatness in everyone, thought we could handle anything...and forgot how young you all were. Just because you can handle something like this doesn't mean I should recklessly expose you to it...and definitely not for profit..." He looked beseechingly up at the group. "Can you all forgive me?" he asked hopefully.
The ivy paused, then slowly lowered him to the ground. Before he was fully unencumbered, all three fillies had glomped onto him, clinging desperately to him. He quickly returned the embrace, holding them all close as he struggled to help them past the fear they'd experienced, cursing himself for forgetting even for a moment that it was his job to take care of them, not the other way around. "I'm so sorry girls..." he whispered softly. "Uncle promises, from now on your safety always comes first. I won't recklessly expose you to anything too dangerous like this again."
"Maybe you should make that 'won't toss them in alone'," Jackie pointed out with a smirk. "Somehow, I think telling any of these kids that something is 'too dangerous' is asking for them to charge in despite our protests." As that resulted in the three fillies and Jade giggling, he could only roll his eyes in resignation.
"On the plus side," Viper spoke up happily, "I've managed to renegotiate the entire manor of 'unappraised artifacts' as payment for our 'monster hunting' services, along with penalties for not informing us of the monster ahead of time and the pain and anguish of 'unrelated parties' for getting enthralled." She calmly closed her cell phone with a wide smirk. "Turns out Mr. Lam did know about the jiangshi - both of them - and hadn't said anything because he was confident we could handle it and wouldn't come near the property if we knew about it."
"Mr. Lam knew of such dangerous monster and let Uncle take children there?" Uncle snapped out angrily. "Uncle will give him piece of my mind-"
"30% discount baseline for the next three artifact bulk purchases from his business as apology," Viper pointed out with a smirk. "And to be fair, it probably wouldn't have been anywhere near as dangerous if I'd had the sense to change to cat form and bolt...or if I hadn't been fertile just now-"
"Wait, what?" Jackie gasped out in a panic.
"Relax, Jackie," Viper chided playfully. "I've been 'wedlock sealed' since before I met you. My parents are really traditional like that."
Jackie blinked in confusion. "Uh...?"
"A special enchantment traditional families will apply to 'wayward' or 'wild' daughters," Hsi Wu explained readily. "It keeps the magic of their spirit pure and renders them incapable of contracting STDs or getting pregnant until they've been bound in wedlock. It used to be considered a mark of shame, that the girl thus 'marked' had neither honor nor self-control that they had to be thus 'sealed' to guarantee a good match...but research online indicates modern girls take it as a badge of pride that their families dubbed them 'uncontrollable', showing them to be truly wild."
"Think we should get one for Jade?" Scootaloo joked teasingly.
"I'm not that bad!" Jade insisted irritably.
"That, and more 'free-spirited' families will apply the mark as a way to let their daughters be 'truly free' until they're ready to 'bond forever'," Hsi added thoughtfully.
"So hippies and rebels?" Tohru asked curiously. "How...interesting..."
"Though I have more good news for our ghost friend," Viper spoke up, turning to Mei Ling as she reformed as a specter. "Mr. Lam was able to tell me where this casket came from...and where the one that was supposed to come here wound up. Assuming that's the one your sister is in, you need to head to England, somewhere around Amesbury."
"Oh, that's...wonderful..." Mei Ling offered sadly, staring out towards the East.
"...something wrong?" Sofia asked her worriedly.
"...I cannot travel far on my own," she admitted sadly. "If I do not assume paper form during the day, my power is leached away and...I might lose cohesion. I...I will never make it to England under my own power..."
"Then we'll take you there," Jackie spoke up firmly.
"Y-you will?" Mei Ling gasped in shock. "Oh no, I couldn't ask that of you-"
"If not for you, we wouldn't have survived long enough to defeat Yakov," Jackie insisted firmly. "The least we can do is reunite you with your family."
"Besides, Jade's the newly awakened Chosen One," Hsi Wu added with a smirk. "Part of that is a visit to Stonehenge once her magic stabilizes, and that's only a couple of miles away from Amesbury."
Mei Ling smiled warmly. "Oh, thank you all. I do so hope that my sister has been alright without me, and we are reunited soon..."
"Here's hopin' this trip is the less dangerous one, huh?" Apple Bloom asked hopefully. "Th' last thing ah'd want is ta run into another vampire that breaks the rules with his power..."
Somewhere in England, a particular wicked chuckle echoed, much to the frustration of the amused being's employer.
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Well seems like we will be seeing Alucard soon lets see what craziness happens then.
Alucard would vaguely remember Scootaloo
"Scootaloo, I AM YOUR DADDY! AT SOME POINT!"
"Awesome!"
Oh sweet mother, please tell me we get to see that
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Question: In this universe is Alucard still a state secret or is he an openly-known one-vampire SWAT team?
The Crimson Fucker has checked in. I repeat, the Crimson Fucker has checked in.
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The Hellsing organization is known to have vampire(s) working for them. The experiments that created Alucard (and his true nature) are still secret.
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I'm guessing the local law enforcement and even the Jade Council have migraines from his antics (and a possible field day for the mystical paparazzi).
Well crap. He is in this story, now I hate to think that their enemies are also as they where. Man do I severely dislike Hellsing.
I REALLY cannot wait for the next few chapters of this!
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Integra's had a much easier time dealing with his antics ever since it was discovered some of the magic of Earth is extra-terrestrial in origin, leading to the Hellsing organization allying with the MIB and getting access to Neuralizers.
You just HAD to go there. You just HAD to say that at the end. WHAT DID YOU JUST LEARN ABOUT TEMPTING FATE!? ~.~
yeeeeeeeeeeeeesss.... This gon' be gud.
🍿
🍿
I so look forward to this
Oh the Universe isn’t even close to making Uncle pay for his hubris. This is going to be a wonderful party!
Oh Apple Bloom. She’s going to learn in very short order that this next vampire they’re going to run into wrote the rules for being a vampire.
And now we wait for the eventual reactions of The Police Girl, Sir Integra, Walter, The Woman, The Major, Herr Doctor, the lovable mascot, Father Maxwell, and Father Anderson to the ponies with the magic and the friendship!
It isn’t too hard to guess Alucard is going to take an immediate liking to at least one of the ponies and treat her as the long lost daughter he never had with the princess of the moon.
Well, Uncle's learned his lesson at least.
It's been awhile, but I vaguely remember those episodes. Some of this is gonna be good.
Oh Applebloom, did you really want to Stonehenge your bets that this next trip will be like taking a walk? You're going to be in for a real Nazi surprise if you truly expect that.
Look like this vampire adventure not over yet, now really fun start
.........................I am SOOOO hoping that THIS scene makes it into the story. And I get the feeling that Jade, Hsi Wu and the CMC would join Alucard in this for a prank.
Also, I get the feeling that this version of Alucard MIGHT, keyword here is MIGHT, MIGHT end up liking all of the kids enough that he might help them give Jackie and the others headaches just for the hell of it in the form of some pretty good pranks....................Although that is probably just me thinking that.
Hold on... didn't Seras just got him his trusty weapon back from Uncle's store a while back? Then, he should consider that he, I don't know, in debt to them?
That last line... Oh please can we have a Hellsing cameo? I want to see their reaction when they come face to face with Alucard/Dracula.
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I can see Alucard stealing the neuraliser for his own definition of a good time.
Also wondering if there is a male enchantment to prevent the same basic principles.
“So let me get this straight. You went on another walk.”
Yes.
“And you found an abandoned casket in the middle of town.”
Yes.
“And inside the casket was a ghost.”
Yes.
“So you took the casket here.”
Yes, yes, yes!
“And now headquarters is haunted by a big tittied ghost.”
Now headquarters is haunted by a big tittied ghost- It’s almost as if I just got done saying that!
“ALUCARD!!!”
WOMAN!!!
EDIT: Ghost Girl is swapped for Chinese Vampire... but I’m too lazy to change it.
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Tats had a Hellsing Cameo when the CMC were much younger with Seras.
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Why would he be in debt? It was bought and paid for.
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"Big tittied Chinese vampire actually, but close."
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I forgot who I wanted in the MIB... but at this point I want Sweetie Belle to be an honorary member... just so she accidentally forgets the adventure. Heck, have everyone but Hsi and Jade forget. Someone dropped the ball.
Jade: "You're a vampire right?"
Alucard: "Yes. Why? You want to become one? Not happening."
Sweetie Belle: "No, actually we ran into a Jewish Jiang Shi not too long ago."
Alucard: "A Jewish Jiang- HIM!? You ran into Yakov? PLEASE tell me you got rid of that annoying pest."
Jade: "Big time. Took a team effort."
Alucard: *Hears all the details on how they got rid of Yakov.* "....................Remind me to get you kids some strong beers in thanks when you all grow up. And Jade, I'll see about getting you and Hsi Wu a damn good wedding present. IF I get invited to your wedding."
Sir Integra: "Not without me you vampiric asshole. Someone needs to keep you on a leash."
Seras: "what about me?"
Sorry. Just my brain being random and I had to share this idea.
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OH MY GOD YES!!!
MY BODY IS READY!!! HELLSING AND JACKIE CHAN CROSSOVER ADVENTURE PLEASE!!!
The MLP element will only make this better...and frankly I'll be reading every line Alucard has in his voice...I think this may be the chapter that I need to brace myself for. ...and yes, I am that big of a Hellsing Abridged fanboy. Loved Hellsing Ultimate but the abridged series is BETTER!! ...so if the characters are mostly based on that, I think we'll all wind up with the BEST!! CHAPTER!!! EVER!!!
...sorry for unnecessary pressure but fanboy urge must be expressed. And as usual, loving everything you've written so far. You ROCK!!
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OH MY GOD SANS!!! I FINALLY FIND A COMPELLING STORY AND YOUR COMMENT PUNS ARE RUINING IT!! HONESTLY BROTHER, WHAT NEXT!?!
...I'm not apologizing.
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I'd say Tit for Tat but I don't know if you're female. Also, I'm on most of his stories so apologies if it's too bone rattling.
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IN THIS PARTICULAR CASE, I WOULD BE MALE, BUT BEYOND THAT I SIMPLY HAD TO ADDRESS THIS PUN IN LUE OF THE GREAT PAPYRUS!! AND LET US BE HONEST, WHILE I ENJOY A GOOD PUN AS MUCH AS ANY FAN OF A SANS, IT JUST ISN'T THE SAME WITHOUT A PAPYRUS TO CHASTISE HIM FOR OVERUSING THEM. IT'S ALL PART OF THE SHTICK YOU SEE.
ALSO...TIBIA-HONEST I FOUND YOUR PUNS WONDERFUL, JUST IN NEED OF THE PROPER RESPONSE! NYEH!!HEHE!!
...still not sorry, and enjoying this way too much!!
WE GOT ALUCARD IN THE HOUUUSE!
About time it was Uncle that got the talking-to for a change. And now that we know Viper is... locked for the moment, why do I foresee a lot more sex jokes incoming?
Chapter One Hundred Eighty-Three
"Bad Day"
Chapter Count: 0
Total Count: 43
"I'm not his/your Mistress!"
Chapter Count: 0
Total Count: 9
Are we also including The Magisters? How would magic being public change their methods? Or goals, considering their's was to eradicate technology.
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I imagine the only real difference is that they're being a lot more careful, or they're now out in the open and considered a "radical" group.
Are the future chapters going to have spoilers for Hellsing I've only seen 7 episodes of the original and I haven't seen The Abridged yet
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For Abridged, possibly.
Seriously? ALUCARD!? THE FUCK-MOTHERING UNLIFE KING ALUCARD!?!?!?!?!
... gods, this universe is boned.
Oh dear... I'm not looking forward to dealing with Alucard... but I can totally see Seras befriending Jade and the Crusaders. Now, maybe if Mei-ling and Hsien Ko find him attractive and decide to stalk him Alucard might not have as much fun. Or they might be capable of giving him a severe beating in his unreleased state. Now the major question is will Integra fall for the cuteness of the Crusaders and give in to some long suppressed child hood desires for ponies or will she be able to maintain a stern attitude???
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This means that at some point Alucard might have fought aliens. Has he ever taken on a Xenomorph????
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This must happen!
At the mention of Stonehenge, my mind immediately jumped to those Secret Society nutters with a fondness for the phrase, "Thou knowest too much!" I think I'm going to like this version much more.
"HEY KIDS, WANNA SEE A DEAD BODY?"
"What, another one?"
"... Can we keep them?"
"Not after what happened with your last pet."
...50 bits says that if Tats goes through with putting Alucard in he somehow manages to make a reference to the fic about him being Scootaloo's dad.
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IMPOSTER! HOW CAN YOU BE THE GREAT PAPYRUS WHEN I AM THE GREAT PAPYRUSS! ALTHOUGH IT IS VERY FLATTERING TO KNOW THAT I'M IMPERSONATED ON THE SURFACE!
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Ok... I am definitely forgetting something... I remember the Seras cameo but I don't remember why Alucard would be Scoots dad
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ill put 1000 bits down on that one
I just realized… it would be completely in character for Alucard to make sure there are at least three more additions to the Chan Clan! Auntie Sir Integra (who still lives in the UK), Aunt Seras/Police Girl and Uncle Crimson ****er/Alucard (who both move to the United States, and San Francisco specifically to be close to their new nieces).
Now why would he do this? well it went something like this…
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This is probably going to be the introduction of three more family members, with Alucard, Seras, and Integra joining the Chan Clan (Integra unwillingly). Alucard will probably take an immediate shine to Scootaloo, "adopt" her by turning her into a vampire bat pony, and move to the United States to help "raise" the new vampire he turned.
I wouldn't be surprised if Seras and Sweetie Belle end up being the ones who bond the closest. They are both "under appreciated" by their respective families and would thus understand each other the best. Plus because of Sweetie Belle's magic, she can handle a cannon. And will probably discover a new found love for firing them to obliterate her enemies.
I see Apple Bloom bonding with Father Alexander Anderson. Crazy though the man may be, he is also a very pious man (in his own way), honest to a fault, and follows a very strict adherence to 9 of the 10 commandments. We all know which one he breaks willingly and enthusiastically with the blessings of the church.
Wouldn't be surprised at all if Hsi finds a lot of common ground with Walter. For a number of various reasons, not the least of which would be finding themselves in crazy families and being the only sane one among them.
Integra would probably find a ton of common ground with both Jade and Uncle.
Also, Alucard's shoulder people will be absolutely hilarious.
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Tat made a fimfic (that’s not part of this ongoing universe) where Alucard adopts a bat-pony Scootaloo.
I haven’t actually read it. I probably will in the future.
Shouldn't the seal protecting against only STDs be part of standard medical treatment? Sounds more efficient than vaccines. Although I like the changing social views around the spell. Nice world building.
I love the TFS joke at the end more for its implications. All this time we've seen hints dropped as to all the franchises coinciding simultaneously in this world and it has been awesome. I understand that just taking the characters around and encountering even half of these other franchises would be story breaking, but the idea that its possible is still compelling. So many adventures happening all at once, and the shenanigans of the fillies and their family is just a small part of it all.
That said, while I understand that we can't actually meet all these characters, I think some tutoring from the Guardians of the Veil would be warranted for the new Chosen One. You know where I'm going with this.
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Here you go! Enjoy!