You Better Not Pout
Another elf rushed up to Elvin once the CMC stopped their shout. "The rescue team?" he asked worriedly.
"Check," Elvin confirmed.
"Thank goodness," the elf replied happily. "Mrs. Claus called from the Bahamas, and we had to pretend like everything was okay! Can you imagine what she'd do if she learned someone had kidnapped him while he was vulnerable?"
"Doesn't bear thinking about," Elvin agreed firmly.
"Enough chit-chat!" Uncle interrupted before any of the others questioned why Mrs. Claus could be scary. "Uncle needs ingredients!"
As several elves walked off with Uncle to help make the locator spell potion, Elvin turned to the others. "There's another problem. Given the nature of the world, Santa plays a very tricky role in the balance of magical power. As long as he's alive, he has to be delivering presents the moment the sun fully sets Greenwich Mean Time, or time itself on the planet will stop. It's why Greenwich Mean Time was made the UCT for time zones. There are no exceptions. We need help to keep loading the sleigh, and if things will run even a moment long, we need someone to fill in for him, a man big enough to fill the Big Man's shoes."
"So a man for whom only his heart is larger than his body?" Mrs. T asked curiously. "I can help you there." She patted Tohru on his side. "There's nobody bigger than my baby boy, and the only thing bigger than his muscles is his heart."
"M-Mommy..." Tohru stammered in embarrassment.
Elvin looked him over. "...we might need to majorly modify the suit, but he'll do-"
"No you don't," Sofia spoke up quickly. "We took a week off from the Antique Shop earlier in the month so Tohru could be a mall Santa."
"I-I made his outfit," Lucia spoke up shyly. "A-and ours."
"We were his elves," Ysabelle explained. "Though I'm honestly surprised what Lucia designed for us." Her cheeks colored at that.
"I only had so much material..." Lucia whimpered softly.
"Then get changed, you four," Elvin said firmly. "We'll need all four of you on the sleigh. For now, we'll do what we can here."
It didn't take long for Tohru and the girls to get changed. Tohru looked the perfect part in his red fur suit with white trim, a long white beard magically affixed to his face and the sack on his back. As for Sofia, Lucia, and Ysabelle...well, none could argue that they fit the elf costume. Green jackets, matching hats, candy-cane stripe tights, and pointed shoes...though it fit them a good deal more snugly than it did on the actual elves.
"Well it's certainly the most...mature team we've had save Christmas," Elvin observed awkwardly as he handed Tohru a medallion. "Wear this while you travel. It'll let anyone in the know know that you're an official Santa stand-in and not just some random impersonator."
"You have protocol for that?" Captain Black asked in surprise.
"You've seen the specials," Elvin observed calmly. "This is hardly the first time someone's figured out how to snatch the Big Man before the Big Night. My job is to identify each of the security holes they use each time and close them so they can't be used again. I thought I'd pulled that off this time, but the sunset start-to-finish time frame was as small as I could get it."
"I just hope Daolong Wong hasn't figured out a way through the elf magic barrier before we get there," Hsi Wu observed worriedly.
Santa glanced out the window of his cottage thoughtfully. He'd been acting a little foolish as he tried to talk Daolong Wong down, 'mishearing' a desire for cheese instead of chi and offering to put him in contact with someone "as crazy as you are with an infinite supply", deliberately trying to keep the wizard as angry as possible so he would not think clearly. However, he was no longer in sight. That made one thing plain...he'd found the hole.
Or...what he thought was the hole.
Santa's grin looked oddly vicious on his angelic face as he trumped over to the fireplace. As he'd thought, a bit of soot was starting to fall...so he lowered his closed fist into the fire. "Shoryuken!" he declared as he thrust his flaming fist upward.
Daolong Wong let out a surprised and angry scream as the fist connected with his rear, sending him flying back up the chimney with a burning ass.
Santa chuckled as he waved his hand to put it out, not even a scuff on flesh or coat. Coming down chimneys as often as he did, fire damage was the least of his worries. Still, it wouldn't be long before threats other than the wizard himself came down...
And there was the magic, turning the garlands around pillars into fell serpents. Santa was ready for them to try and bind him...but instead they made for the door in an attempt to force it open. "Well aren't you the clever one," he murmured as he made his way to a corner and opened a case. Turning, he unloaded the shotgun he'd pulled out into the snakes, blasting them to bits. "The song got it wrong," he murmured softly. "I never went crazy. I always was."
Switching actual shells out for blessed rock salt charged with his own magic, he kicked the window open before unloading a couple blasts into Daolong Wong himself. "One thing I'm not allowed ta do is kill!" he called out, his voice slowly starting to get the slightest hint of a Scottish accent. "But ya took mah Wee Men from me. Ya shoulda known better, ye darn cultist!"
Elvin shuddered worriedly as Uncle finished preparing the chi spell. "I just hope the Big Man doesn't start having past-life flashbacks," he observed worriedly. "The last time he had one was the inspiration for the Weird Al song."
"...I am learning far more about Christmas than I ever expected to know..." Jade muttered in awe.
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OH GOD SANTA IS OLD MAN HENDERSON
This is easily one of the best Santas I've ever seen.
8476008
Took the words right out of my mouth.
8476009
Forget “one of”. This is THE best Santa, right here; accept no substitutes!
It's Official Santa was Henderson! Also anyone else getting an Ashy Slashy vibe from Santa this chapter?
HENDERSON!!!
OH MY GOD SANTA'S OLD MAN HENDERSON! YES!!!!!!!!
I know very little about Old Man Henderson, just what I read on Wikipedia, but I'm already starting to love the idea that it was Santa's past life. As does everyone else so far, I see.
And come on, how could Mrs. Claus not be potentially scary? The spouse of a holiday/magical icon has to be good backup, God forbid something like this should happen. Better to keep her relaxed in the Bahamas and let the Rescue Squad save Christmas. Besides, if Tohru's been a mall Santa, he needed the opportunity to be the real one, too.
Chapter One Hundred Fifty-Three
"Bad Day"
Chapter Count: 0
Total Count: 40
"He's Not My Boyfriend!"/"I'm not his Mistress!"
Chapter Count: 0/0
Total Count: 45/3
I'm more curious if the Grinch is gonna show up, mention fo the past kidnapping attempts has me curious
8476008
Is it...
Is it okay if I cry?
Becaue I feel safe. So safe.
Loving Santa trying to cheese off Wong.
Brace yourself folks, Santa has Rocked the shotgun.
Hey elves, I think Santa is having a wee bit of a flashback right about now.
Needs a comma (?)
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=schoolhouse+rock+interjections&&view=detail&mid=1F2E34F86B47740761FF1F2E34F86B47740761FF&FORM=VRDGAR
After rewatching this, IDK if it's an interjection or not. Still, I'm pretty sure there's supposed to be a comma
That's what happened to the Big, Bad Wolf in The 3 Little Pigs. Still, he's Chinese (?) Maybe he never heard the story
Did some research for a 1632 story
St. Nicolaus was originally a Russian saint. He was a village priest (Russian Orthodox, I think). They were allowed to marry but Mrs Claus doesn't get much mention until the late 19th century. Originally, he was patron saint of children & had nothing to do with Christmas. (Surprisingly, the gifts for children was the Easter Bunny's job). The gift thing was because he supplied dowries for some women so they could be married
However, the whole "knows who's naughty & nice" WAS one of his powers even while he was alive. I've seen some arguments that he was psychic.
8476030
Please let Jack Skellington see this Oogie Boogie too.
8476060
orig00.deviantart.net/9b97/f/2016/060/6/a/pap_gif_by_supacrikeydave-d9tjixx.gif
saaaaannnnnssss enough with you dumb jokes get back to work.
nyeh heh heh heh
Yes! That was GLORIOUS!!!
.....
My mind is blown....
Because reasons.
Santa with Ryu's moveset.
Nice.
...............Huh. Didn't expect him to be a fan of Street Fighter. If not, he apparantly knows the meme attached to said technique.
To quote Private Leonard Church from Red Vs Blue...........WHAT THE FUCK!?
Santa USED to be Old Man Henderson and is the reincarnation of said crazy man? Good lord. Then I guess his wife is the one who keeps him sane and from getting past life flashbacks. Question is, who the hell did Old Man Henderson/Santa Claus marry to keep him grounded?
You and me BOTH Jade. You and me both.
8476008
To those who don't know who Henderson is.
You are welcome, as ALL MUST KNOW HIS GREATNESS!!
Humbly requesting a reference to Simon Breckenridge, the British Spy who helped Old Man Henderson steal a yacht from Hastur's cultists, drop it on top of Cthulu's cultists, and hold off the zombie horde long enough for Henderson to prepare to kill Hastur.
As the man who created him called him, Simon was the Yin to Henderson's Yang, helping him blow up more things in the endgame than he could have managed on his own.
8476009
Agreed.
8476049
Yes. Because I can think of NO better choice for Santa to be a reincarnation for. If anything, Old Man Henderson is probably the BEST protector you could possibly imagine.
Oh.
Oh.
OH.
What has Wong done? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, YOU FOOL!?! THIS IS WORSE THAN GETTING PEOPLE TO BREAK TIME! We are rapidly, RAPIDLY approaching 1.0 on the Henderson Scale!
8476115
Where do you think Krampus came from?
Hee hee hee! Oh man! That was hilarious! Santa using the Shoryuken on Daolong Wong as he was coming down the chimney!
8476117
Wait.
Is Mrs. Claus Hastur?
8476119
I would pay to see Krampus show up all concerned.
Not for Santa. For the poor bastard that thought he could mess with Santa.
'Dammit all Henderson! You know I'm supposed to deal with the naughty ones!'
'Tha bastard tried to stop Christmas, ye daft idjit! I'm only doin' mah job!'
8476072
8476030
This one is probably more applicable.
8476112
That was freaking hilarious, and now I know what everyone is talking about.
Also, this, because what the hay?
8476122
I mean.
Technically, maybe.
Nyarlathotep did reincarnate them both, and Hastur ended up in the body of Henderson's new crush, Heather.
He then proceeded to get 'Heather' drunk, have her reclaim the power she should have had as Hastur, seal it away inside of an amulet, and world-hop into another place Nyarlathotep couldn't touch.
So if you squint, maybe.
...Wonder what Santa thinks about the fillies almost summoning Cthulu then...
8476124
Is it bad that I'm hearing TFS Alexander Anderson's voice when I read that?
8476145
Henderson did have a Scottish accent that came and went, more noticeably when he was angry and/or dealing with cultists.
Just means I got it right!
Putting aside Old Man Henderson, I'm always in support of Badass Santas. And thankfully, there's no sociopathic fat Hitler worshiping little kids around, so Wong has his undivided attention.
Anyone got popcorn?
8476144
Probably be upset at them (to put it gently) but doesn't hold it against them since it was an accident on their part and they DID fix their mistake, preventing Cthulhu from even coming into reality.
Considering the flame, i think Shinryuken would be more appropriate.
Okay, i did not expect that! Is this a Darksiders reference or a Samurai Jack reference, by any chance?
" as crazy as you are with an infinite supply"
Oh, Santa. I don't think giving him a hookup with Sheogorath would go well, no matter who won. Look what happened to the last wizard who went there in search of power...
I missed the specials! Could someone point me to the specials?
8476008
I WAS RIGHT FOR ONCE!?
8476122
Well, Hastur can take whatever form Hastur wants... And Hastur does wear a lot of yellow... And if Hastur IS Mrs. Clause... In the Bahamas...
In an...itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bi-GAH! THE INSANITY HAS BEEN DOUBLED!
This is turning out a lot more crazy, but also more interesting than I would have thought with Santa vs Dao
8476231
If you read the comments, it is actually a reference to Old Man Henderson.
Oh look, a Megaman X 2 reference.
8476144
A Christmas Present just for him?
I'm sorry, the entity you are trying to reach is no longer insane. Please readdress all business to the Daidric King, P.O. Box 1337 "Center of PWNYVERSE" Circle.
Daolong Wong... You've made a lot of mistakes recently.. But I'm not certain you comprehend just how royally screwed you truly are..
8476008
HOLY FUCKING SHIT, SOMEONE GET ME A TABLE TO FLIP
Figures they're not the first ones to save Christmas in this "magic is normal" timeline.
I like where that went. HAHAH.
This santa is Awesome.
...
yeah, this isn't ending well.