22: Derp at the Museum
Karyn packed her purse, a frown on her face. She picked up her makeup case from her vanity and realized that she had forgotten to cross off Saturday on her calendar. Every day in the summer, she had counted off the weekdays to her excursions with Derpy. Looking around for her red Sharpie, she added the X and then drew a circle around the present date. Then she tacked on a slash.
“Come on, Karyn!” yelled a voice from downstairs.
“I’m almost ready, Mom!” she called back. She looked at her clock. Derpy normally came around this time. If she picked this day to be late, Karyn would be gone.
She watched the second hand of the clock sweep toward the top. As soon as it passed, she turned her back and walked toward the door. Once she had closed it, she thought she heard the telltale sound of Derpy’s appearance.
She rushed back in. Derpy had a smile on her face, and she opened her mouth for a greeting, but Karyn cut her off.
“Hey, Derpy. Go ahead and turn right around because I can’t play with you today. In fact, any second now my mom’s going to yell at me again for dragging my feet.”
“But you’re not. You’re standing still.”
“Aww, that’s what I’m going to miss today. I’d rather deal with your linguistic peculiarities that have to spend hours being bored out of my skull.”
“Why do you have to do that?” asked Derpy.
“Because my parents have insisted that we have some quality time together as a family this summer, which—“
She was cut off by another yell from downstairs. “Come on, Karyn! We’re going to hit traffic.”
“Ugh. Which apparently for today means visiting an art museum.”
Derpy brightened up even more, which Karyn didn’t think was possible. “That sounds great! I’d love to see what human art looks like.”
“No, you don’t. It’s really boring. I’ll see you next week.”
Karyn shut the door behind her. Derpy looked around and heard a woman’s muffled voice say, “Who were you talking to up there?”
Derpy sighed and opened her saddlebag. In the first slot was the universe-hopping spell. She trotted to the window. In the driveway below, Karyn was slouching toward the back seat of the car. Derpy saw Karyn’s parents for the first time. They had dressed up for the occasion. Karyn herself was wearing dress slacks and a blouse that looked too hot.
Derpy reached into the bag.
Karyn huddled against the side of the car door wondering if her parents would rebuke her for turning on her portable music player, or indeed if they would even notice. She felt the car go over a bump and contented herself with lying down and watching the power lines dance up and down. From up front she heard her father say, “I hope this car isn’t breaking down.”
“Why would it?” said her mother. “It’s only three years old.”
“Yeah, but it’s got this little miles-per-gallon indicator, and it just dropped by six.”
Karyn put two and two together, casting her memory back to the time that Derpy had taken an unticketed flight. She looked up through the rear windshield and was happy to not see anything. At least she’s staying invisible this time, she thought.
She considered whether or not she could get Derpy in the car and talk to her with the Bluetooth trick. She could roll down the window, but the air conditioning was on, so that was sure to bring a lecture about wasting energy. Then, even if Derpy realized the window was open, Karyn wasn’t sure if she could fit through, or if she would want to risk it. If she made it inside, there was then the worry about holding an extended conversation with visible details that might give away the trick she was using.
But what clinched it was the worry that, even if they completely believed she was talking on the phone, her parents might still come down on her for disrupting family time.
Other idle thoughts occurred to her, like tapping Morse code on the ceiling of the car, but that was even sillier than the first plan. She settled in to watch the scenery again, trying to think of how Derpy would be seeing it.
They had left the suburbs and entered the outskirts of the city. They drove along a road that reminded Karyn vaguely of the town at Mountauk beach with the antique stores. Soon enough, though, her mother used the handheld GPS to direct them onto a side road, and now they were in the section of town where the museum was.
It was clearly a neighborhood that had put a few architects’ children through college. No building looked like a building. Everything was abstract sculpture that you could happen to fit people in. A lot of white stone or concrete was used, and in the late-summer sun, it made the whole area extremely bright. Karyn squinted to avoid being dazzled.
They pulled into the parking lot of the museum, and Karyn finally got a look at their destination. This too was a tour de force of money-wasting features, as the outside was cluttered with hanging gardens and water features. The building itself, where it wasn’t gleaming pure white, was reflecting the sun through blue-tinted windows. A sign outside proclaimed the museum’s carbon-neutrality.
Karyn still didn’t want to call attention to Derpy’s presence, but when she got out of the car, she felt the soft touch of a wing in her hand.
The four of them walked into the museum and past the prominently placed gift shop up to the ticket window. Karyn’s father grumbled a little when he saw the prices.
“You didn’t know how much it was?” said Karyn.
“Not really,” he replied. “I just saw this place in a local guidebook and it said that it was moderately priced.”
The woman who sold them their tickets said, “We also have the option of an audio tour. You wear these headphones and when you push the button on the side, the nearest exhibit’s explanation comes through for you. It’s all wi-fi based.”
“How much more for the headphones?” Karyn’s father asked.
“They’re complimentary. We just ask that you leave your driver’s license as collateral.”
They made their way into the gallery proper. The whole presentation was an eclectic mix of many famous artists, and the first room had simple portraits and landscapes. Karyn stuck with her parents through a few paintings, but began moving faster than them. Since everyone’s headphones had to be activated by the user, she could pretend that she turned hers on first and lost interest.
Finally she had enough separation from her folks that she could whisper to Derpy. “I really don’t know how people can do this,” she said. “How do you look at a painting for five minutes? It doesn’t change, it doesn’t start moving, it’s the same painting that you saw. Are they trying to memorize it or what?”
“I don’t know, I think they’re pretty. I guess that people keep noticing new details to the paintings as they look.”
“I could understand that if I actually owned one of these and had it around the house. After I looked at it hundreds of times in passing, I might see something new. But all this is just boring.”
Karyn looked around at the people walking around the gallery. She was surprised to see how many of them were older folks, but there were also a few who had the stereotypical look of the art aficionado—thin, glasses, and odd clothing. She had to cover her mouth to avoid chuckling when she saw a couple wearing matching berets.
She moved on to the next room, keeping Derpy with her. “That’s another thing that bothers me,” she whispered. “There’s this whole air of pretension. I can’t help feeling that all of these people are saying to themselves, ‘We understand this, and that makes us better than the people who don’t.’ Especially when that’s me.”
“What does it matter?” said Derpy. “I don’t understand most of it either. Like this one. Why’s that guy just standing there with a pitchfork? And why is he so unhappy? But if someone else gets it, good for them.”
Whether it was because her parents caught up with her or because she didn’t want to argue the point, Karyn shrugged and let it pass.
Derpy flew up above the action, which let her enjoy the effect by which the portraits’ eyes followed her wherever she went in the room, even up. But she refused to be distracted. She could tell how awful a time Karyn was having, and wanted to do something to make it better for her. She racked her brain.
When Karyn managed to detach herself again, Derpy swooped down on her. “Hey, if it helps,” she said, “try to imagine all the paintings as if they were of ponies. Or, for the landscapes, Equestrian ones. Like this one. See all the stars, and that tower on the left? Imagine that it’s Princess Luna in there raising the Moon for the night.”
“Thanks, Derpy. That does help a little. What’s really frustrating is that we have to be so hushed. I mean, I have to do that to hide you, but everyone is talking in whispers and shuffling. It’s a really annoying sound.”
Derpy listened. To her, it wasn’t annoying. She figured that Karyn was determined to not have a good time.
“Have you ever been to a museum in Equestria?” asked Karyn. “What’s pony art like?”
Well, Derpy thought, if she can’t be happy, I can at least distract her. “It’s a lot simpler. Most of the time the focus is on the pony in the portrait, just by themselves. Or, there’s a famous painting of Canterlot Castle I’ve seen, and it’s all alone against a blue sky. Even Canterlot town is just a blur at the bottom. But no, I haven’t toured a museum like this. Just seen a few traveling art shows.
“Although, most painters are unicorns. They’re the ones with the most precision for the brushwork. I actually like sculpture better. Pegasi and Earth ponies are more involved with that.”
“That’s cool. I think there’s some sculpture in the next room over. Let’s go check it out.”
Karyn was glad to get more distance between her and her parents. The sculpture room was less crowded than the painting rooms, and it had several reproductions of famous pieces.
“Karyn? Why are so many of these sculptures not dressed? Did humans used to go naked and just started wearing clothes all the time?”
“No, it’s just the way that artists do sculpture. I think it’s something to do with exploring the beauty of the human body or something like that. Or maybe because it’s easier to get a round shape like a muscle than something all random like a shirt and pants.”
“They’re pretty though,” said Derpy. “Maybe you should take off your clothes more.”
“Yeah, that wouldn’t work out well.”
They approached another nude sculpture of a man. Derpy let out a snort that gave a slight echo throughout the room. A few heads turned in Karyn’s direction, and she had to look embarrassed and apologetic.
“I know what you’re looking at,” she said, “but don’t be fooled. Sculptors always make them smaller than real life. If they were life-sized, they’d be more likely to break off.”
Derpy accepted that and moved on. At the last sculpture before the door, she said, “Now, this I like.”
It was a statue of Joan of Arc astride a horse waving a banner. “Yeah, that’s nice,” said Karyn. “Could use a pair of wings, though.”
“Like you said, they’d break off easy.”
“You’re probably right. Well, that room wasn’t too bad.”
They passed through the wide door to the next section, and both of their jaws dropped. “OK, here I can see what you’re complaining about,” said Derpy. “Is this supposed to be a joke?”
“No, this is abstract or avant-garde art. Here’s where the really pretentious people come.”
They made their way quickly through the paint-splotches-on-canvas, works with names that had nothing to do with what they looked like, and sculpture that seemed to be random junk thrown together.”
“I heard a story once, don’t know if it’s true,” said Karyn, “that during one of these exhibits the cleaners threw out the sculptures because they thought it was junk.”
They had reached the end of the gallery, and Karyn could see her parents still a few rooms behind. They found a padded bench facing a painting that took the full length of the wall and pretended to look at it.
“That’s the other problem with this whole thing. I’ve got to stay on my feet the whole time. Why don’t they put all the stuff at waist-height and let us sit the whole time?”
“My wings are a bit tired too,” said Derpy. “I’ll stand for a little while and just move out of people’s way if they come around.”
“Heads up, Derpy. Here come the wardens.”
Karyn’s parents had caught up and were looking at the last of the artwork. If they had any complaints about the oddity of the pieces, they didn’t say anything.
“Well, Karyn?” her mother said. “How did you like it?”
“It was. . . interesting. Yeah, I think I really learned a lot.” She tried to put sincerity in her voice.
“Was there anything that particularly made you think?”
Why don’t you just give me a test when we get home? she thought. “Well, I did really like the statue with the horse. Is it true that how many hooves they have in the air indicate how the rider died?”
“I don’t think that holds,” Karyn’s father said. “Anyway, let’s get some lunch. All this culture is making me hungry.”
They found the museum’s café, and he took the opportunity to grumble about the prices again. For Karyn’s part, she wanted to get the meal over with as quickly as possible. In the first place, it meant getting home sooner. In the second, she wasn’t sure how Derpy would react to her parents eating, since it was sure to include some meat.
As they ordered, Karyn limited herself to a salad and gobbled it down as quickly as possible. She excused herself from the table.
“Are you sure?” her mother said. “We’ve barely chatted.”
“Yes, but I really want to see the garden outside. Take your time and meet me out there.”
She threw away her dish and got out as soon as possible.
The garden was carefully tended and had flowers in many primary colors. She found a secluded spot where she could talk to Derpy again.
“Now this is much nicer,” she said. “Why can’t they just use all this space for a garden like this and get rid of all the art?”
“But, Karyn,” Derpy said, “all those artists who made that stuff, even the really weird or really bad stuff, probably really cared a whole lot. I mean, I’m not the most creative pony, but I know that anything I do make I put all my heart into it.
“In any case, I’m glad I came with you, and I’m glad that your parents made you go. I think it’s great that you can have all this art in one place where anyone can come and see it. Even if it is expensive.”
“Now you sound like my father.” Karyn smiled. “And speak of the devil.”
“Why should I do that? We don’t even really have devils in Equestria. Not among ponies at least, although I believe that there are certain griffin sects that—“
“No, it’s just an expression meaning that someone about whom you were having a conversation is showing up. Which my father is doing. As in, hush up until we can get back to privacy.”
Karyn’s parents emerged from the museum, scanning all around to try to find her. She got up from her garden seat and waved to them as she closed the distance.
“Are you ready to go?” her father said.
Am I finished with my penance? At last! she thought, but out loud she said, “I guess so.”
They got in the car, and Karyn opened the back door wide for a few seconds so that Derpy could ride inside this time. They still couldn’t properly speak to each other, but Karyn kept her hand on her wing or hoof the whole time.
There was very little conversation during the trip, even between Karyn’s parents. When they got home, Karyn asked, “Is it OK if I take the car back out? I’ll put gas in it, I promise.”
“Where do you want to go?” her mother asked.
“Just back down to the park for a bit. It’s still light out.”
“All right, but don’t stay out too late.”
She sped to the park, unnerving Derpy slightly. “Well, now we can at least talk, but I really want to get someplace where I can see you.”
“All right.”
When they got there, Karyn fast-walked, almost jogging, around the duck pond to the secluded area behind the trees. Derpy appeared, and Karyn’s expression brightened.
“Ugh, I don’t know what it was about that whole place, but this was definitely up there with the worst summer days I’ve had. I’d really rather just be here. You’re prettier than any of those art pieces anyway.”
Derpy blushed. “Aw, you don’t have to say that.”
“But it’s true. Sometime I should show you some of the drawings that humans do of you. They’re really good.”
Derpy was looking intently at Karyn. “You know, jumping back a point, I think I might know why you were so unhappy today. Other than just being dragged someplace by your parents. Let me ask you something. If they took you to a classical music performance, or an opera, would you have dreaded it as much?”
Karyn put her finger to her mouth and thought about the question. “I don’t know. Maybe not. Why?”
“I remember when Dinky was young, one of her teachers called me in and told me that there are three kinds of ponies. Well, obviously, there’s earth ponies and unicorns and pegasi, but that’s not what she meant. She said that some ponies think visually, some think by listening, and some are tactile. Of course, everypony does each of them a little, but there’s always an order. Anyway, I figure the same could be true of humans. You’re definitely not a visual person. It’s why you don’t mind too much when I go invisible. A lot of people would have problems with that. My guess is that you’re more tactile. The way you kept one hand on my wing the whole time is what makes me think that. But even listening is something you enjoy more than seeing. I’m the same way. With all my eye issues as a filly, I’ve had to rely on my other senses.”
“I guess that makes sense. Do you think that if I had explained it that way to my folks, they would have let me get out of it?”
“It’s possible. I really don’t know them that well. But if you’re really so averse to spending time with them, you should preemptively pick out stuff to do that gets over with faster.”
Karyn walked around the meadow, burning off nervous energy. “This might just be a difference between humans and ponies. Or maybe just you, because you told me how awesome your father is. But for us, people my age pretty much always rebel against their parents, and the parents almost always try to hang on to the kids too long.”
Derpy looked down and said nothing. The two of them just sat in the meadow for a while until the mood lightened. The park was emptying out for the night, and Derpy used her invisibility spell again so they could sit on a bench and watch the ducks and swans.
“Well, I guess I’d better be going home,” Derpy said.
“Yeah, me too.”
“I’m sorry that I couldn’t make the day any better for you.”
Karyn turned toward the place where Derpy’s voice had come from. “Don’t feel bad. We all have to have our bad days. And I’m sure that you did make it better. Or, not as bad at least.”
Derpy warped to Equestria, and Karyn drove back home. Her parents were sitting in the living room watching TV. She waited for a commercial to come on.
“So, listen. Thanks for taking me to the museum and all, but maybe this week we can hit a movie instead? Or just go out to eat?”
“Well, we did want you to get some culture. You can’t sit in your room and just watch those cartoons over the internet,” her father said.
Karyn felt her blood heat up, but she took a deep breath and swallowed an argument.
“It doesn’t have to be so stuffy, though, does it? And if the goal is for us to spend time together, then let’s go out to eat or do something where we can actually talk.”
Her father looked like he was about to argue, but her mother cut him off. “Yes, we can do that. It’s a good idea.”
Karyn’s father looked at her, but she said. “Well, I didn’t much like that abstract room either, dear,” Then, turning back to Karyn, she said, “When did you get so smart anyway?”
“I guess I’m just growing up,” she said. Of course I am. That’s why a magical flying pony from another world had to set me straight.
She kissed her parents good night.
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Me gusta!
Is it fluttershy.
Because so far you mention mane six and something about meeting one of them. I can't wait for that episode as this one had the air of stuffiness and...nude jokes from derpy. 
I wonder what the dynamic duo will screw up now.
YES update! xP derpy laughing at nude sculpture? xD so win lol special guest?? hm.... o.0 im deeply curious for next week know! :D
I think Rarity needs to have a talk with Karyn about how beauty is not a waste of money.
I await the day when Karyn's parents meet Derpy. If that'll happen at all.
Abstract art. Yeah, any idiot can do that, and yet here I am, still middle-class.
Derpy the Wise
This made me think of Seananners, more specifically when he said, "Get cultured b****!"
This story is awesome though.
“They’re pretty though,” said Derpy. “Maybe you should take off your clothes more.”
why in i thinking R34 
R34 of derpy?
...
Seriously though, don't stop!
OH NO HE DIDN'T!
If they are talking about what I am thinking they are, the following statement is warranted.
Really Derpy?
Seriously?
If not, then sorry Derpy. Sorry for assuming something like that.
But if so, then just Why?
The reason I am apologizing is because this is real. You have to remember that nothing is fiction in an infinite multiverse.
Oh, was the other guy supposed to be an angel?
I'm truly sorry Derpy. I truly am.
9667126
They are.
I am starting to wonder who exactly disliked this story. There is literally nothing to dislike about it.