• Published 25th Apr 2012
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Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human - pjabrony



Serveral years after the events of "Lyra's Human," Derpy Hooves meets a human of her own.

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F01: Going Derpal

Author's Note:

This is the first of the chapters that is based on a fan-submitted idea. I'm numbering them separately from the chapters that are my own premises, which means that the numbers will be even more screwed up from FimFiction's numbers. :derpytongue2: But I'm doing this because I keep certain blocks of chapters together in my notes, and that helps me space out certain plot points that I want to have revealed at certain times. Anyway, thanks go once again to benhamin5 for wanting to see this.

Also, since I can't put an author's note on both the top and the bottom, the preview will be in the first comment below. (Unless one of you sneaky folks manage to jump in before I can hit the button.)


One time before, Karyn had taken Derpy to the carnival that was regularly held near the campus. Derpy, a superstitious pony, had vetoed going back since it was on that day that her return spell had failed. She had not acquitted herself well, breaking down and crying that she would never see Equestria or Dinky again. So, in fear of a repeat or just unwillingness to recall the memory, they had not returned. But Karyn wanted to go that year, and while friendship alone might not have been enough to drag Derpy back, friendship combined with the promise of funnel cakes coated in powdered sugar plus deep-fried cookies and candy bars was, especially when Karyn had said that she could break her diet.

So it was that they returned to Karyn’s new apartment, lighter in the wallet and heavier in the guts, to kick open the door and collapse, Karyn into the chair by the computer, and Derpy onto Karyn’s bed.

“That was a lot of fun,” Derpy said as she poked her pudge with a hoof to watch it jiggle. “I’ll have to fly a lot to work it off, and skip desserts for a week, but it was worth it. Some ponies say that it feels bad when they eat too much. But it never does for me. Probably why I put on weight in the first place.”

“Yeah. I trust you to be good though. Let me just check my mail.”

Derpy laid her head back on the pillow, but when she heard Karyn clicking away on the keyboard, she did a small crunch and looked up. “Oh, you mean your e-mail.”

“Yeah, sorry for the confusion. I’ve gotten so used to just saying ‘mail’ for e-mail at work. It’s kind of a quirk of that job, not something everyone does. Now that I’ve left I’ll break the habit.”

“That’s all right. What I was just thinking was that I’ve never actually seen mail delivery on Earth. I deliver it every day in Equestria, but have never even seen it here.”

Karyn turned her head in the chair. “Well, you’re here on Sundays. No mail on Sundays. Once in a while you’ll catch me forgetting to pick it up from the mailbox on Saturday, or maybe Gayle will forget to give me mine, but there’s never any new mail.”

“Right. We get off Sundays in Equestria too, but I was almost hoping it would be different here.”

“You did? You want to make our mail carriers work seven days while you only work six?”

Derpy tried to sit up, but it didn’t quite work, so she did a half situp, half roll that let her rest on one elbow. Trying to pass it off like she planned it that way, she said, “I don’t mean it that way. Honestly, if I wasn’t visiting you, I wouldn’t mind working Sundays either.”

“Really? More work?”

“Not necessarily. See, the post offices have to run on very tight crews. When someone goes on vacation or calls out sick, we’re stretched and the routes are harder. But if we had one more day of delivery, they would have to hire more mailmares, and it would ease the burden on everypony.”

Karyn thought about that. “I’m not sure that holds, but it might. It’s different in IT where a lot of jobs can be moved around the schedule. So long as you have one person on shift to fix things when they break, the big projects can be done with more planning. Although, that too is only theoretical.”

“Yes, but we digress. The point is that I’ve never seen mail being delivered. It’s something I would like to do. I’m still supposed to be doing some research on Earth in addition to being a tourist.”

“I suppose you could stick around until tomorrow and we could figure out something. I mean, I’m not doing anything now that I’m finished with work, and I don’t mind giving up a day where I’d just be lazy to get you something that you want.”

“Except I have to be at work tomorrow. Time’s still moving in Equestria.” Derpy shook her head, but then smiled. “Unless I don’t formally leave, but only go back there temporarily, in this case for the whole week, and make my next Sunday your tomorrow!”

“Are you sure you can pull that off?”

“One way to find out!” Before Karyn could argue any more, Derpy went for her saddlebag and got her return spell. Karyn had time to reason that if it didn’t work, it was nearly time for her to go anyway. But she vanished and reappeared instantaneously. “Looks like it worked!” Derpy said. “It’s still dark here, and you’re in the same position, I think.”

“You know, I’ve never thought of the time difference objectively before, but it’s a little disturbing to think that I’ve just been frozen here for a week, unable to move or think or do anything, that all the atomic motion in myself and the world stopped, in contradiction to all the laws of physics.”

Derpy shrugged. “No one can see you that way, though, because they’d be either frozen themselves or it’d be me or somepony else starting up time again. And as far as the laws of physics, how about using your changeling magic to conjure up a postal uniform so we can get into an office somewhere?”

“Oh, no. We can go see postal workers in action, but I’m not committing any federal crimes for you. State ones, maybe.”

“Great, let’s go.”

“Are you forgetting something?” asked Karyn.

“What’s that?”

“You went home and came back, but here it’s still night. Monday isn’t for several hours, and I’ve been up all day. My plans for right now were to go to bed.”

Derpy’s jaw dropped. Of course Karyn was right, and she mentally kicked herself for not seeing that ahead of time. Indeed, Karyn was already heading to the bathroom to change into her nightclothes, and Derpy felt regret at that too, for making Karyn change there instead of her bedroom. Moreover, she wasn’t tired herself, and if she stayed up all night and then went with Karyn to see postal work, she would throw off her sleep schedule.

She briefly considered heading back to Equestria for another week, and coming back on what would be her Saturday night. But she decided that it wasn’t worth it to miss Karyn for what was, in her timeline, most of two weeks. She would sleep over on Earth’s schedule, have fun the next day, and then go home and catch a nap. If she had to sleep-fly through Monday’s route, she would catch up that night.

Karyn emerged a few minutes later and said that she would find a blanket, but Derpy told her to hold off. It was a humid night, and there was enough mist that Derpy could gather and build a small cloud. She promised to disperse it as soon as she got up, and outside so that the carpets didn’t get wet. They said good night to each other. Even though she had a bed she was familiar with, it took Derpy a long time to get to sleep.

What she wasn’t prepared for was that Karyn’s Monday routine was much different from her Sunday one. There was no cleaning or drawn out breakfast, just a couple of toaster pastries and then hustling out the door.

“All right,” said Derpy. “Let’s get to the post office and find the carriers. Maybe I can even meet one of them and follow on their route.”

“Don’t be too hasty. I hadn’t planned on shadowing a carrier. And honestly, I don’t know how they work. For all I know, they may be out on their routes already.”

“Well, can’t we go in and see them sorting the mail? Maybe one of the carriers will be late getting out.”

It took Karyn a moment before she remembered how open the post office in Equestria was, and how Derpy didn’t understand the difference. “People who don’t work for the post office can’t just saunter into the back. That’s true of just about any store or office. There are parts where the general public can’t go. Insurance reasons.”

The last two words made no sense to Derpy, but she said, “I guess I don’t count as a worker for a different postal service.”

“Sorry.”

Karyn didn’t know where the nearest post office was; on the rare occasions she had to use snail mail, she just put it in Gayle’s mailbox and raised the flag. Stamps she bought at the grocery store or the bank. But a search on her phone showed that it wasn’t too far away. They were able to pull into a side entrance and find a parking spot. It almost appeared deserted. There were no customers and everyone behind the counter was working in the back.

“Well, here it is,” she said. “This is a post office. At least, a small branch one. It’s not too different from the one near my parents’ house.”

“But where’s all the mail?”

“In the back. See, I think that we have rather more post offices than you do. You’ve only got one in each town, but we’ve separated areas smaller so that this one will only serve the neighborhood.”

Derpy couldn’t respond, because one of the workers, having seen Karyn on camera, came out and said, “Can I help you?”

“Oh, no, just checked my PO box. Wanted to make sure you put in today’s already.”

“We did, yes.”

Karyn smiled and left to where they could talk. “Hate having to make up cover stories like that. So what did you think?”

It took a few seconds of silence before she realized that Derpy was not present. Sometimes she had to think of an answer for a while, but the subtle cues that someone was present were missing. Not knowing what to do, she went to the car and left the passenger door unlocked and the window down.

After five minutes or so, in which she played on her phone, Karyn heard the door opening, and Derpy said, “I snuck into the back room to see the mail. Sorry.”

“No, I’m used to it by now.”

“Well, there are advantages to being invisible.”

“So what did you think?” Karyn pulled out of the parking lot before someone questioned why they were staying there so long.

“They had all sorts of trays and chutes to move the mail. It’s all run by electricity and made of more metal than the wood that we have, but it’s very similar to the one in Ponyville. Made me feel like home. I could definitely work there.”

“I guess there are some things that are evolved the same way no matter what universe you’re in. Interesting.”

Derpy’s satisfied smile came through even though she was invisible. “Hey, where are we going? You’ve taken a different route and you won’t get home that way?”

“Did you think that was the end of the tour? I wanted to show you another post office. When I was living at the dorms, this was the one I had to use once, because I couldn’t find any other. I’d like to find a parking place and take the light rail, but maybe we’ll be lucky and find a space close to the office. This would have been easier on a Sunday.”

They drove into the city, and it took some looking but Karyn was able to find a spot close enough for a short walk. It required paying a parking meter for three hours, even though they didn’t intend to be there that long.

When Karyn pointed out the building, Derpy at first refused to believe that it was the office. It took up the entirety of a city block, and though it was only one story, it still had to be thirty feet high.

“Now, this is a post office for a big city.”

Derpy just stared, then she put her hoof on the side and felt the hard stone. Karyn of course could not see that, but she could feel Derpy’s positioning and hear the reverence in her voice. “I...I could never imagine that there would be so much mail in all the world.”

“Well, it’s not stuffed to the brim.”

“I don’t mean that, I just mean, how many people, how much mail, how much time? Who decided that this space should be used for this building?”

Derpy couldn’t put into words what she was trying to ask, but Karyn understood nonetheless.

“A long time ago, before we had the internet and telephones and even telegraphs, which we don’t have anymore, the postal service came about. Indeed, one of our most famous people set up the post office. We put him on the hundred dollar bill and we wrote books about him.”

“Can we go inside?” Derpy whispered.

“Of course.”

The floor inside the building was some stone that had been laid down many years ago and had patterns in the design. In the air was the smell of dust that had been circulating through the ventilation system time and time again.

Instead of a back room, the larger office was a square within a square, and customers could line up on either side while the windows lined the inner square. There was none of the personal attention that they had seen at the smaller post office. Everyone was trying to get through their business as soon as possible.

“I’m getting the itch again,” said Derpy.

“Itch?”

“This is a major hub for mail, right? I just feel like I should be helping out. I could be sorting or bagging or doing something to get mail to the recipients. I know there’s mail here. It’s not even like the other place where I can just fly in the back. I’ve got to find a way in there.”

Karyn huffed. “Or we could, you know, not.” But this was half to herself. She ducked down into an alcove where some of the PO boxes were and changed into one of the postal uniforms, altering her face too so that, if she showed up on camera, it wouldn’t be her.

Finding a way into the bowels of the building wasn’t difficult. They only had to wait for someone to go on break and open the door. For the first time Karyn could see the inner workings of the post office. It did look busy, but she coudn’t appreciate it the way Derpy did. Well, she thought, fair is fair. Derpy didn’t understand the big server rooms the way she did.

“Can we at least get somewhere out of sight?” Karyn asked, her voice being lost in the sound of machines. With her hand on Derpy’s shoulder, she was led to the quietest part of the post office, there to find another door.

The room they entered had no light but what was ambient, and no sound except the echoes from without. Derpy felt free to speak up. “Where is this?”

“I don’t know.”

Sacks of mail were strewn on the floor, and shelves lined with cubby holes were also filled. Derpy walked over and looked at some of the letters.

“Some of this mail is months old! Why haven’t they delivered it?”

Karyn walked over, looked, and understood. “This must be the dead letter office. It’s where they put mail when they don’t know where it goes.”

“Why wouldn’t they? Look, here’s a letter for...’Beverly.’ Why didn’t they send it to her?”

“What’s her last name? What’s her address?”

Derpy looked over the mailpiece. “It doesn’t say. Maybe a child wrote it, or someone who forgot to write the rest of it. That doesn’t mean it should go missing.”

“Maybe not, but the post office must have done all they could. They would have tried to figure out who sent it and contacted them to get more information. I guess. Don’t you have dead letters?”

Derpy was almost in tears. “No. Not that I know of. Maybe ponies are more careful, but even so, all of these letters, not being delivered. I...I...”

“Come on. Let’s get out of here.”

“I’m going to take this with me.”

Karyn thought about saying that it was a federal crime, but on the other hand, wasn’t the crime interfering with the proper delivery of mail? If Derpy didn’t take the letter, it would just stay here until it was destroyed.

“You can’t deliver every dead letter. It would take you a dozen lifetimes.”

“I don’t intend to. I know that. But I do intend to deliver the Beverly letter. It’s just like with Muffinhead. I knew I couldn’t save every cat on Earth, but I had to save that one because he was in front of me. Now, yes, let’s go.”

Outside, and back in the car, Karyn said, “So how do you intend to find the recipient of the letter?”

“I have no idea!”

“Maybe the reason you never have dead letters in Equestria is that you have a method for finding them that you don’t realize is special. Like a spell that some unicorn uses. If that’s the case, maybe you can get a duplicate for your bag and that will help. It might trace, from the intent of the sender, where it’s supposed to go.”

Derpy thought about that. “It’s possible, but even so that’s not what I want to do. I’m not looking for a shortcut. I think it’s important to me to take on a challenge.”

“Well, open the letter and let’s see if that gives us any clues.”

“I can’t open it! Mail is private! That would just be...well, it’s so unthinkable I can’t think of it.”

“You are playing this one on hard mode, aren’t you?” Karyn asked, but Derpy didn’t understand the gamer lingo.

“If everything else failed, I think I would try to use magic. But I’m a pegasus, and I do have certain abilities. I can fly, for one.”

“That you can.” They drove on, and Karyn let her mind wander as she mainly focused on the road. She forgot for a second that she wasn’t alone, and came out with a laugh.

“What’s so funny?”

“Oh, no, I was just thinking. Suppose that you find the recipient of this letter. You go on an epic quest until you find her. And you finally give it to her, and it turns out to be some junk mail. Or a bill. Something that she didn’t even want.”

“I don’t think that’s the case,” said Derpy, but clearly the idea disturbed her. “In the first place, if it were a bill, they would have to be extra careful to make sure they got the address right.”

“And in the second?”

“It just feels to me like someone put a lot of heart into this letter.”

Karyn wondered if Derpy’s feeling was the sort of vague wishful thinking that people did sometimes, or if she really did have a sixth sense about mail. She hoped it was the second, and was a little jealous.

Arriving back at the apartment, they returned to the positions they had assumed the day—or week—before, with Derpy on the bed and Karyn at the computer.

“So that’s the post office. What did you think?”

Derpy paused. “I know that around here you’ve got e-mail and text messaging and such. It would be like if everypony had their own dragon to send mail by. But I think there’s power in letters, and I think people know it. Because of that, there’ll always be a postal service. It’s changed, I can tell that from having gone to the new office and the old one, and thank you for that by the way. But where it’s important, it’s all the same.”

“That’s really insightful. So what are you going to do about the letter?”

“Nothing right now. It’s going to require some intense thinking. I’ll take it back to Equestria with me and it’ll be safe there.”

Still holding the letter pinned against her body by the root of one wing, Derpy was limited in her flight capacity, but could still get airborne. She put on her saddlebags and gave Karyn a hug good-bye. Using more of a glide than a flight, she reached the ground in Ponyville and started walking home.

When she opened her door and remembered that she had to start her work week the next day, she realized that she wouldn’t have time to make any serious plans. Laying the letter on the table, she knew that she could not lose it, and needed to think of a good place. She thought of removing one of the spells from her saddlebag and curling the letter into shape to fit, but she worried about it being jostled out of position during her trips.

Aha! There was the backup bag that she used for pony guests. She took out one of the more useless spells and put the letter in.

“Stay there until I find your owner. I promise that I will. We’re in this together.”

Derpy’s cat came out and meowed, wondering if she was talking to him. “I guess it’s silly to talk to an object, huh? Well, it’s no more silly than trying to deliver a piece of mail with only a first name on it. It would take a crazy pony to do that, but with Celestia as my witness, I am that crazy pony!”

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