• Published 25th Apr 2012
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Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human - pjabrony



Serveral years after the events of "Lyra's Human," Derpy Hooves meets a human of her own.

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45: How Does Your Garden Derp?

“Ooh, Karyn’s going to be so mad if I’m late!” Derpy said out loud. She hastened to get everything in her bag and finish all her chores. Dumping some food in her cat’s dish, she took a breath and magicked herself to Earth.

Karyn was playing on her computer, enraptured by something, and didn’t even notice that Derpy had arrived.

“Good morning,” Derpy said.

“Oh, hi! I was so caught up in this. I didn’t realize so much time had gone by.”

“Isn’t that always the way? I was so worried about you that I rushed to get here, and you’re fine. But if I had taken my time, I know you would have been angry.”

Karyn wasn’t sure, but understood how it fit with Derpy’s view. She got up and gave her friend a hug.

“There’s one thing you forgot, clearly. You didn’t wash your hooves!”

Derpy looked and saw visible soil. Her face burst out in red. “May I use the washroom, please?”

“Of course.”

The dorm that Karyn occupied was not the one that she had when Derpy first came to visit, but it had the same communal bathroom with a door to another dorm. The college had expended its budget to the extent of putting an indicator lock that told each side when the room was in use. Karyn showed Derpy how to use it, and she was assured that no one would open the door and be shocked.

Derpy scrubbed with the hand soap, and heard Karyn say something that she couldn’t make out over the sound of the water. “What was that?”

“I just said that it’s an advantage of having hooves. Washing my hands properly means scrubbing in between the fingers and making sure each one is lathered up. You have a lot less surface area than me.”

Derpy threw away her paper towel. “I suppose. Lyra would beg to disagree. She’s always all over her human’s hands.”

Karyn decided not to pursue that awkward line of conversation. “So what were you doing that got your hooves so dirty?”

“It’s planting season!”

“But you’re no farmer.”

“Of course not,” said Derpy. “But I grow a garden every year for fun and profit. Mostly flowers, but I’ll have a few herbs and maybe a vegetable patch or two. It gives me something to do on sunny days.”

“Gardening?”

“Yeah. You want to see it?”

Karyn turned up her nose. “Well…”

“Aw, come on, I’m really proud of it.”

“Why not? It’s been a while since I’ve been to Equestria. I imagine it’s falling apart without me.”

Derpy was confused, and Karyn had to explain her humor. Once that was settled, Derpy got out her spell.

As they emerged into Equestria, Derpy took a longer arc than usual toward her home. “You’ve gotten quite a bit braver when it comes to flying.”

“Thank you.”

“But go back to closing your eyes for today, please.”

“What for?” asked Karyn.

“So I can make the garden be a surprise.”

Karyn relented and shut her eyes. Derpy had to come in as slow as possible so as not to jostle her. Karyn barely noticed when they were on the ground. She felt it more from the wind than the bump.

“Ta-da!” said Derpy. Karyn opened her eyes.

She was situated in Derpy’s yard, but the only difference was that a patch of grass had been pulled up and replaced with bare earth.

“This is it?”

“I said it was planting day. Not harvesting day or watering day or any day that you would actually get to see the plants on.”

“Good point.”

Derpy flew in a circle around the plot. “But soon enough I’ll have lots of pretty flowers. Isn’t that neat?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“You don’t like gardening?”

Karyn headed to the house. “Not really.”

“I think everypony gardens.”

“They do, but not humans. Particularly not humans like me who grew up in the modern age with lots of fun stuff in your room to do, but whose moms made them help every year that she grew her garden.”

“Oh.” Derpy thought for a moment. “Maybe that’s why Dinky never liked it either. I tried not to spoil her, but she seems to like her toys and games better than things like this.”

“She’s a pony after my own heart. Explain the appeal to me.”

“What I love about it is knowing that I made something with my own hooves, that I grew it from nothing, or almost nothing. It’s a feeling of ownership that you don’t get from buying flowers and vegetables from the store. I imagine that Celestia has a similar feeling when she raises the sun.”

Karyn backed off a little. “It sounds like you’re going mad with power. I can picture you flying over the flowers and taunting them. ‘Fear me, o puny petalled ones! I am Derpy, your creator!’”

Derpy smiled, but was a little miffed. “You don’t understand because you’ve never had one of your own. I can see where it wouldn’t be any fun to work on someone else’s garden. Even if they give you some of what they grow, it’s generosity, not rewarding your hard work.”

“And here I thought it was because pulling weeds is hard on the back, and because the sun beats down on you and makes you sweat, and the sweat and the dirt mix together to make you feel like even after you’ve showered that you’re still dirty. Then you miss one day of watering, and everything dies. All your hard work is for nothing.”

Derpy listened with a falling expression. “What are you talking about?”

“Gardening.”

“Maybe gardening on earth, but not in Equestria. I plant things every year and just watch for the weather. The pegasi make sure that all the plants get a good watering with their clouds, and they also see to it that the sun doesn’t beat down too hard. As for weeds, there are a few, but they’re not so hard to pull out. I’ll show you.”

Derpy went outside to part of the yard near the garden. “These are just bushes, not part of the garden proper, but there is some crabgrass and white clover down here. If I want to get rid of them, I just pull them out.”

She bent down and took a patch of crabgrass in her mouth. The grass put up only token resistance as she pulled her head out. She spat it on the ground and moved on.

Karyn steamed. “Of course that’s easy for you. You’re practically built for it. Your head’s lower to the ground and you can actually use your mouth for precision. We don’t do that.”

“How would you weed then?”

She demonstrated, getting on all fours and yanking the next patch of crabgrass out. It was still easier than she was used to. “These haven’t taken root very deep,” she said, “but when they do, it’s really arduous. Sometimes you can’t even do it yourself, but have to get a little rake to help you.”

“Maybe it’s just easier in Equestria. The roots of these are as deep as I’ve seen them, and they came out easily enough.”

Karyn was a little annoyed. Even the land of Equestria was nicer to its occupants than that of Earth. She silently wondered if, had growing been as easy in her home as it was in Derpy’s, if humanity would still have built all the technology that she used. Humans might still be roaming the plains eating off the fruit of the land.

“It’s all very nice, and I’m glad that you like it, but I’d much rather be in an air-conditioned room.”

For her part, Derpy respected her friend’s wishes, but still wanted to share the activity. “There’s another positive thing about gardening. You can sell the stuff you grow, or just use it to eat instead of buying from the store. You’ll save money that way, and have more to spend.”

“You always know how to push my buttons. All right, explain to me how it saves money.”

“The seeds and bulbs cost a lot less than the end products. You’re spending time and effort, but getting more out than you put in. You can even save the cuttings so that you don’t have to buy anything the next year. After a while you just eat what you grew instead of going to the store that week. But if you don’t want to have that extra to spend…”

Karyn stared at Derpy’s garden again. “Fine. Toss me a pair of gardening gloves.”

“Of what now?”

Karyn gritted her teeth as she looked at Derpy’s hooves. Of course ponies would have no need of gloves. If she wanted to join Derpy, it meant getting at filthy as she had been. But looking at the grey face smiling at her, she realized that there was a difference between being forced to do something and choosing to do it with a friend.

“Never mind, let’s just start digging.”

Derpy drew a rectangle next to the garden with her hoof. It was far smaller than her garden, no wider than Derpy’s own wingspan. “This will be your section. I’ll show you how to do everything.”

On the side of Derpy’s house was a small shed. Karyn had never noticed it, since it was hidden from the street. Derpy emerged from it with a shovel and hoe.

“What am I going to do for seeds?”

“We’ll worry about that in a little while. First, let’s get the earth turned. If you do that, the grass will start to break down and make whatever you plant grow faster.”

The tools were not built for humans. There was no end handle to clutch and they were shorter than what would be found in a hardware store on Earth. But the shovel was weighted farther from the blade end to give ponies extra leverage. Even though she had to reach down, the lifting of the dirt was easier than she thought. It didn’t take long to till the small patch.

Derpy took the hoe and broke up some of her garden that was still clumped together. She worked carefully to not disturb the areas she had already finished.

“You have an advantage,” said Karyn. “You don’t have to leave footprints if you don’t want to.”

Derpy saw that she was compressing the dirt after she had it turned. “Stand on the grass that you’re not cutting into. That way you’ll get a good plot.”

Karyn sighed and stepped off. Derpy passed her the hoe and let her start cutting into the clumps of grass. In contrast to the shovel, the hoe had a heavy head, since ponies couldn’t raise it very high with only their hooves and mouth.

The sun shone, and Karyn stood up, stretched, and wiped her brow. “Do you think I could have some water?”

“No, Karyn. You don’t water until you’ve planted something.”

“I mean to drink. It’s awfully hot and I want to cool down.”

“Oh, that makes sense. Yes, I’ll be right back.”

With Derpy in the house, Karyn took the chance to stop working and just take deep breaths. She thought about how it was always awkward to take even the smallest break when working with someone else. If she had to shovel snow or paint a room with her parents, they would always look suspiciously at her if she stopped, as though she might abandon the job and make the others do it.

Even though the job was entirely optional, she kept her eye on the door, waiting to see Derpy come out with the water. Her hands rested on the hoe, waiting to pretend that she was continuing a stroke. The opening door set her back to work, but it wasn’t Derpy who she saw first.

“Hey, Muffinhead!” called Derpy from the house. “Don’t run through the dirt, or I’ll have to give you a bath!”

That word brought the little orange cat to a stop, and he strutted to the grass. Laying down, he licked at the pads on his paws, staring up at Derpy as if to say, “I was going to do this anyway.”

Once he had taken long enough, he bounced up to Karyn and sniffed at her leg. Then he rubbed up against her once and lay down.

“He likes me today,” said Karyn.

“Muffinhead loves watching people work. Every time I’m out here in the garden, he wants to come out, and if I don’t let him, he stays at the window and stares.”

Karyn spaded the earth a few more times. “All right. What am I going to plant now?”

“Herbs would be the easiest, but if you’re looking to save money, vegetables are what you want to grow. Flowers are nice too.”

“Let me do the easy one.”

Derpy picked up the cat and went back to the house. “Let me get some seeds and cuttings from last year and I’ll show you how far apart to plant them.”

That gave Karyn another chance to rest, and she peered inside to see Derpy’s saddlebag hanging on the wall. Idly she poked at the dirt where she guessed she would put the seeds.

“Here we are!” said Derpy. “Lots of herbs that you can grow and then you can add your own flavor to your food. When they come up I’ll show you how to cook with them.”

The image of the saddlebag gave Karyn an idea. “Isn’t there some kind of magic spell where you can just make all of the plants grow at once?”

Derpy was shocked. “What, you think I’m some kind of Earth pony? Unicorn magic can be stored in spells, but fast-growing plants can’t be done by pegasi any more than I could let somepony else fly with my wings. It’s just the way of things.”

“That’s too bad. I guess it’s kind of like the microwave oven. If it’s faster, it doesn’t taste as good. I just wish it were the other way.”

“I can understand that. I don’t like making tradeoffs either.” Derpy showed Karyn how to put her seeds in the ground, and had her tamp down more soil on top of them. “Now all we have to do is wait.”

“I don’t like waiting.”

“Think of it as letting the sun do your work for you.”

“The sun won’t be here when I need to water,” said Karyn. “At least I’m not losing time from my schedule. But speaking of which, I should get back home.”

“All right. We’ve still got a little time left to hang out, though.”

“Sure.”

Derpy took off with Karyn on her back and circled over the garden before warping back to Earth. “Isn’t it pretty?”

“Maybe it will be. Right now it’s just dirt.”

They appeared back in Karyn’s dorm. “Welcome back,” said Derpy.

“Ah, the sweet comforts of home. Computer fans, LED lights, fast food and air conditioning!”

“You want air conditioning? It’s still pretty cool.”

Karyn sat at her desk. “It is, and I’m not going to put it on, but I could, if I needed to dry off the sweat. I just want the signs of civilization after that.”

“You don’t think Equestria is civilization?”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that.”

Derpy laughed. “I’m only teasing! Sure, we’re more rustic than you guys, and I can totally understand wanting both worlds sometimes.”

Karyn turned on her computer and surfed to a social networking site. “Here’s what gardening should be like. She slid aside to let Derpy see the farming game she was playing. “I can run my little tractor over the field, point and click to spread seeds, wait, harvest all at once, and sell them for set prices. It’s so much easier to make money in games like this.”

“Can I play that one?”

“Sure, that’s fair, since I have a garden in your world now. I’ll set you up an account.”

Derpy watched as she logged out and went back to the home page. “I’ll take it from here,” she said, getting out her typing spell and activating it.”

“Wait, there could be a problem with—“

“Hey! It won’t let me use my name! There aren’t any humans named Derpy Hooves.”

“That’s what I was trying to tell you.” Karyn went to the screen and looked for alternate usernames. “It’s no one’s real name here, but there are enough fans of yours that someone, probably a long time ago, took that name.”

Derpy grumbled, but accepted as Karyn tried combinations until it accepted “Derpy H00v3s01” as an acceptable name. She guided Derpy through the opening parts of the game, including the short cool-downs of the early crops, before it was time for Derpy to go home.

The next visit, Karyn was already dressed in clothes she wasn’t worried about getting dirty. “Let’s get to Equestria to take care of my garden and get it over with.”

Derpy said nothing, but couldn’t keep a smile off her face. She took her usual flight path which obscured the garden from sight until they landed. Suspicious, Karyn peeked around to see fully formed plants lining her garden.

“Derpy!” she said. “Did you find a way to use magic to make them grow anyway?”

“No, I just transplanted them from another pony’s garden. They still need a lot of growing time, but now you can be sure they’ll come in well at least.”

Karyn was still mentally kicking herself for assuming that forbidden magic was the most likely cause of a change.

“Thanks, Derpy. This was very nice. I almost feel bad for leaving all of your crops to rot on the social network farm game.”

“What?!”

“I’m only teasing.”

Derpy stomped her hoof, but let it pass. “Just for that, I’m going to make you water your plants instead of letting the rain clouds hit them. I’ll punch holes in the clouds to make sure.”

“If you do that, I’ll spray you with the hose when I’m doing the watering.”

“I’ll make a small tornado to spray the water right back at you.”

Karyn and Derpy fell over each other in laughter. “All right,” Karyn said, “I give up. You win.”

Derpy got up and took Karyn over to her section of the garden. “I’ve already got some shoots and buds, see?”

“You do. You’re doing flowers this year?”

“Mostly. Last year I tried to grow cross-eyed Susans, only to find out they don’t exist.”

Derpy showed Karyn how she brought clouds over to the garden to keep it watered and prevent the sun from scorching. “I wish I could move clouds like that,” Karyn said.

“There might be magic for that. I’ll have to look. In the meantime, would you like some of the flowers? You can take them home and try to grow them there.”

“Thank you very much. Maybe I’ll put them in the common room at the dorm. They’re not going to toss out spores that will make everyone grow wings or something like that?”

Derpy looked at Karyn. “No! Almost certainly not.” She found a ceramic flowerpot and filled it with dirt, then took three of the largest buds and gently removed them from the ground. Karyn took them and moved them to the pot, packing the dirt around the roots tightly.

“You know, I almost don’t mind the dirt on my hands this way. Maybe it’s different using the pot instead of the ground.”

“I don’t know why, but if it makes you feel better about gardening, you can use the pot all you want!”

Karyn grinned at Derpy’s unintended joke. Working the garden was far easier that day, and they had plenty of time to relax before Karyn picked up the flowers given to her and went home.

She put the flowerpot on her desk. “I’ll move it where everyone else can see it tomorrow.”

“You should be sure to talk and sing to them. They’ll grow better if you do.”

“I’m not sure that they’ll be better for hearing the kind of talk that goes on in the common room. They’ll wind up being delinquent flowers who don’t do their flowery homework.”

Derpy laughed. “So, what do you think? Have I instilled a love of gardening in you?”

“I wouldn’t go that far. I’ll give it a try this year, but I don’t know how it will work out.”

“Trying is all I ask. I told Dinky to always try new things, but I’ve had mixed results.”

“Speaking of results,” said Karyn, “how are you doing with your weight?”

“Good so, far, but that’s why this is so much of a challenge.”

“I don’t follow.”

“Well, look at those flowers there. So tempting, so tasty.” Derpy’s mouth was watering. “And I’ve got so many more at home.”

“Wait. You’re not growing a flower garden to look at and smell? You’re growing it to eat?”

“I’ll look at it and smell it before I eat it.”

Karyn put a hand on her shoulder. “Try to resist the temptation.”

They hugged good-bye, and Derpy travelled back home. She was about to go in, when she took one last look at the garden. Even the buds would be sweet. She trotted over to the nearest one and gave it a lick.

It took all her willpower to not bite down.

Author's Note:

Coming next week...to "Derpy's Human"!

“Just to be sure,” Karyn said, “where did you get this fertilizer?”

“Carrot Top gave it to me. Have you met her?”

“I have. When you say you got it from her…”

Derpy cocked her head. “I mean that she got it from the leaves of the carrots she didn’t need from her own garden. What did you think?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You found the towel OK?”

“Yes. It’s a lot fluffier than the ones we get on Earth. What’s it made out of?”

“I don’t know,” said Derpy, as she hung hers back on the rack. “I just go buy them at Armoires and Towels.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I don’t think I like it,” said Karyn.

“You don’t?”

“It’s not fair that you can pull off my look better than me.”


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