• Published 25th Apr 2012
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Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human - pjabrony



Serveral years after the events of "Lyra's Human," Derpy Hooves meets a human of her own.

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38: Derpy in a Strange Land

The boat rocked lazily in the water. Derpy had flown up high and used her mental map trick, and found that they were indeed alone. With all three occupants attending a pole (“You have to have a pole,” Stubby had said. “Otherwise it’s not fishing, just skiving off work.”), they had lounged and chatted, with the only interruption being a fish that had gone for Derpy’s pole, even though it was not baited.

“Shoo, go away! We don’t want to eat you,” she had said.

Karyn had actually fallen asleep, that first stage of sleep where you can still hear things that are said, and only came around when Stubby, by some instinct of the clock, said that it was time to go.

He lifted the anchor, and Karyn asked, “So how do we get back into the channel?”

“Well, we could wait and let the drift take us back, which it would eventually. More often I’ll just hop in and give a few swimming kicks and then jump back in the boat once I’ve got it going in the right direction. I’m willing to do that; I like the water. But since we do have a means of propulsion here that doesn’t involve getting wet, I wonder if Miss Derpy wouldn’t do us a favor and push us back from the air.”

Happy to be of some use, Derpy went behind the stern and put her hooves on the transom. Pumping her wings, she enjoyed the feel of force without motion. Slowly the boat accelerated back toward the buoys.

“How’s that?” she asked.

“Fine enough,” said Stubby.

They rode the current for another hour or so before they found themselves in another harbor. Stubby was again all business, spending the boat’s momentum just enough to have them bump gently into a slip.

On the dock was another mule dressed in a short vest with a high laced collar. “Welcome to Muland!” she said, mostly ignoring Stubby. He helped Karyn off the boat and brought out more paperwork.

“Water conveyance, registration number 86549 reports delivery of passengers,” he said, again in his bored voice.

“Yes, and thank you.”

“Ma’am, I need your stamp.”

“Yes, I suppose you don’t want to get in trouble.” She made a mark on the top page with her hoof, then turned to Karyn and Derpy. “My name is Myrtle. You must be the pegasus pony and the human pony!”

“No, she’s not any kind of pony,” said Derpy.

“How nice. Well, I’ve been assigned by the Ministry of Tourism to help make your stay here in Muland as pleasant and informative as possible.”

“We appreciate it,” said Karyn. “Derpy tells me that your society is particularly adept at taking care of mules who need help, and I want to show her how important that is.”

“Well, rather than that,” said Myrtle, “we’re proud of all the things we mules have built. You know we’re very hard workers! We have museums and theaters and a new stadium where all the mules who can make it go to hear speeches and lectures.”

“That sounds nice, although we’re only here for a day trip.”

“Is that right?” Myrtle searched through her stack of paper. “Oh, yes, that’s the limit of your visa. Well, we’d better get going if you’re going to see as much as possible!”

Derpy stepped up. “Actually, the first thing we need to do is get to the post office so I can deliver the mail from Equestria.”

“Are you here for that too? Well, then I’ll just have to adjust my map. Hold on, one second.” She shuffled some papers until she found one with a route laid out. With a red marker in her mouth, she marked the post office and then set about crossing and re-drawing the route, muttering all the while. “Let’s see, if we take Muleholland Drive, we can cut past the roundabout. . . “

“Um, miss,” said Derpy. “what if we just went to the office and then decided where to go from there?”

“Hang on, this won’t take but a moment.” Myrtle kept tracing and finally said, “There! Now we have an ideal course to take. Follow me, please.”

Karyn and Derpy shrugged and trundled after the mule.

At the post office, there was the exchange of signatures that, as Karyn realized, seemed to accompany every meeting in Muland. Derpy was made to sign several forms of her own before a mule would even open the bag she had brought, then they insisted on double-checking the number that was on the seal holding the bag closed.

“Just out of curiosity,” Derpy said, “what would happen if the numbers were different?”

“Why?” said Myrtle. “Did you change them?”

“No,” Derpy said defensively. “I’m just wondering if you would send me all the way back to Equestria if the numbers were wrong.”

“Oh, we couldn’t do that!” the mule behind the desk said. “It’s against regulations. Every mule has to get their mail as soon as possible.”

“So even if the numbers were wrong, you’d take it for delivery?”

“We can’t do that, the numbers have to match. That’s according to regulations.”

“Is your business complete?” asked Myrtle.

“Hmm. Karyn, do you think I should pick up the return mail now and lug it around all day, or come back again before we leave?”

“Oh, mail to go to Equestria isn’t here. You have to go to a completely different desk for that.”

“Well, at least your dilemma is solved,” said Karyn.

Derpy sighed, and they both followed Myrtle back out onto the road.

“Well,” Myrtle said, consulting her map again, “it looks like what was to have been our piece de resistance is going to be our first stop: the new stadium!”

Neither Karyn nor Derpy had a particularly good sense of direction while traveling by road, and as such had trouble picturing where they were from all the turns and crossings that Myrtle led them on. The streets were full, but unlike Canterlot, there was no shopping on the street or outside dining. Karyn remarked on it.

“It wouldn’t do to have mules eating outside,” said Myrtle. “Food could get on the ground, it would be unsanitary. All of that takes place indoors, where it’s the restaurateur’s responsibility.”

They reached the arena on an open block. It looked a little like the Roman Colosseum, but it was made of a drab grayish brown stone.

“This is new?” said Derpy.

“Yes!” said Myrtle. “Only a few years old. Mind you, we copied it from the old one, mostly.”

“You did? What’s the difference?”

“Well, in the old one, the top deck was cantilevered over the lower. The mules in charge decided that was unsafe.”

“So it could have fallen down and hurt mules,” said Karyn.

“No, it was sturdy enough. We would never build something that could collapse. But this one is even safer.”

“Doesn’t that mean that everyone sitting on the top deck is now farther from the center?” asked Derpy.

“Yes,” said Myrtle, “but safety first!”

Derpy rolled her eyes, but Karyn said, “Don’t you have a lot of problems with structural collapse in Equestria?”

“Sometimes, but we always have ponies to watch out for others if they come down. Anyway, let’s go inside and see the speech or lecture or whatever.”

“Oh, there’s no event today,” said Myrtle. “It’s a shame you’re not staying longer though.”

Derpy looked as if she wanted to facehoof, but decided it would be impolite.

“Would it be possible,” asked Karyn, “to see where some ponies who have come to Muland live? I want Derpy to see how well Muland takes care of the ones who have come here.”

“Well, it’s not on our schedule, and I’m not certain that it’s exactly permitted.”
Karyn thought she was getting used to Myrtle’s way of thinking. “Is it exactly forbidden?”

“Well, no—“

“Great! Where are they?”

Myrtle grimaced, but she led them to a different section of town. Derpy pointed out that there were no impressive structures like Canterlot Castle, or even any large patch of land like Sweet Apple Acres. The residences they went to reminded Karyn of Native American longhouses, and as they entered, they saw many mules gathered around a fire in the center of the house and a few others on the side sharing a meal. Outside, a farm was being tilled by a line of mules, each one pulling a plow down one row.

They went in. A unicorn stallion was part of the group eating together, and Myrtle escorted Karyn and Derpy over. “Good afternoon, Jerry,” she said.

“Jerry?” Karyn whispered. “Doesn’t sound much like a pony name.”

“Ladies, this is Jerry Built, who came here from Equestria, how many years ago now?”

“Five, maybe six. I didn’t count.”

“Very nice to meet you, Mr. Built,” said Derpy. “I just brought a sack of mail from Equestria, so if you have anypony who’s written to you, you might see that soon.”

“Yeah, well, that’s not too likely.”

Something about Jerry’s demeanor made Karyn uncomfortable. “Do you not have any friends back there that you want to write to? We’ll be taking mail back as well, and if you have anything to send, we’ll wait and bring it with us.”

“No, nopony wants to get a letter from a unicorn who can’t do magic.”

Karyn looked at Derpy, wondering if she’d ever heard of such a thing, but she could tell that she was stunned as well.

“It doesn’t happen often,” said Jerry, “but there are diseases that can take a unicorn’s magic away. I got one, and there was nopony in Equestria who would help. I didn’t know how to do my old job without my horn, but here in Muland they took me in and give me food. I help out here by pulling with the rest of the mules, but sometimes I wish I could go back to the way it was.”

Myrtle hustled them out fairly quickly. “See, Derpy? That poor unicorn had to come here because he wasn’t able to make it in Equestria. You hide how life is for the worst.”

“Hey, I don’t hide anything.”

“You’re right, I didn’t mean you personally. But I would like to speak to Celestia about things like that.”

Derpy thought for a while. “Myrtle, how many ponies live in Muland, anyway?”

“Not very many. Perhaps a hundred.”

“I think that’s why. Nopony’s ever made a society where everyone is happy and fits in. I think sometimes you picture us as perfect, but we’re not. Neither is Muland. But what I like is that we welcome mules and they welcome ponies.”

“But which mules do you welcome?” asked Karyn. “The best and the brightest, like Mulia, a top chef. And which ponies come here? The ones who need the most help. So Equestria is really taking advantage of Muland.”

Derpy was uncomfortable with the topic, but Myrtle stepped up. “No, Miss Karyn. We love having Equestria to take in those ponies who don’t want to be part of our land. What you called the best among us are often the most greedy, who would spread discontentment and disharmony if they stayed. Taking in a few ponies is a small price to pay.”

“Thank you,” said Derpy. But Myrtle wasn’t finished.

“It’s not as if we’re taking in folk from Gryphonia, after all.”

“There’s a griffin land too?” said Karyn. “Oh, I mean, of course there is, but I wasn’t thinking about it. What’s it like?”

“It’s virtually the opposite of Muland. There are a few griffins that own everything and an awful lot that have to scratch out a living. It’s not pleasant there at all.”

Karyn gave Derpy a look of, “See, I’m right.”

Derpy said, “What about the successful mules that do stay here? Can we see some of them?”

“I’d like nothing better!” said Myrtle.

She pranced with a lighter step and the others following. They doubled back past the stadium and the business district, back close to where the post office was. Myrtle seemed to know all the twists and turns, and led them through an alley to what looked just liked the home where Jerry lived.

“Is there a mule that owns this one all for himself?” asked Derpy.

“Certainly not,” Myrtle answered. “But you asked to see the successful mules. The ones who farm the most land or help build the most or do the best job at their work all live in this section of town.”

“What’s the advantage, though?”

“The advantage? Well, if a mule produces more, we all benefit.”

Derpy tried to phrase her question again, but she didn’t want to be too antagonistic. She was a guest in another land after all. Instead, she said to Karyn, “Can we get the mail and go? There’s not a whole lot more that I want to see here.”

“All right. I can tell that you’re not having the best time.”

They told Myrtle, who was a little miffed that her schedule was going by the wayside, but was happy to have the rest of the day off. She escorted them back to the office, where they bade her good-bye.

As they waited for the mule to go find the mail to go back, Derpy and Karyn had their first real moment of privacy in Muland. “I really don’t get how any of this works,” said Derpy. “I can’t believe that any mules would work hard knowing that they’re going to get the same reward. I try to do the best I can on my mail route so I can get more money and better routes, and to improve my relationship with the ponies there. I wouldn’t do that here.”

“But you’re not here,” said Karyn. “The mules have a different way of thinking. They do work hard, just because they can. What I don’t get is how Equestria works. Think of all the so-called Canterlot elite. They’re really just snobs. They look down on you as a simple mailmare, while they live decadent lives with jewels and fashions. Doesn’t that make you mad?”

“No. What other ponies think doesn’t bother me, unless they’re my friends. But I guess that I have a different way of thinking too.”

The mule returned with a small sack of mail and a large stack of paper. “Sign here, please, miss, and here, here, initial here, and confirm the weight and the number.”

Derpy gritted her teeth as she complied. “Very different,” she said.

Their mood lightened as they made their way back to the docks and found Stubby waiting for them on the boat. Derpy tried to fly out to meet him.

“Sorry, ladies, but I can’t let you on right now. This vessel is currently under inspection for safety and health concerns, and as such only authorized personnel are allowed. I can’t be held liable for your welfare.”

Karyn kept her distance, but Derpy hovered over anyway. “Oh, forget those stinky regulations, Stubby, it’s us!”

“Rules are rules. I can’t let you on.”

Derpy huffed and flew back to the dock. “He’s so much nicer when we’re on the water.”

“I wonder,” said Karyn.

“What’s that?”

“A long time ago, back when I was in middle school, they showed us a series about a boat for science class. I remember a line the captain said when they were talking about seasickness. ‘I only get sick on land,’ he said. Maybe Stubby is the same, and his stomach bothers him when he’s not on the boat.”

In his slow, plodding way, Stubby seemed to almost take apart the boat and put it back together, checking every bolt and screw and board, sometimes stepping off to find another mule to confirm and sign off on his work.

One time when he was absent, Derpy draped a wing on the boat. Karyn gave her a light slap. “What are you doing? You want to get Stubby in trouble?” Derpy stuck out her tongue.

Finally he let them on board and Derpy stuck out her tongue.

Finally he let them on board and kicked off into the red-buoyed channel that would take them back to Equestria. “I appreciate your patience,” he said.

“Stubby,” said Derpy, “do you have to go through that every time you launch?”

“I have to go through something every time I launch, and there are some inspections that are weekly, or monthly, or annually.”

She took a deep breath and readied her next question. “Why don’t you move to Equestria? You’re smart and nice and there’s plenty of places where a boat captain can earn a good living. And the only one you’d have to answer to for making your boat safe would be you.”

Stubby smiled at her. “I appreciate the offer, Derpy but I’d never turn my back on Muland. I was born there, and even though I love the sea, I always return there. If I couldn’t, then these trips would feel more like being adrift. I guess it’s hard to explain, and I’m no speech-maker. I’ll never be in the new stadium, except as a listener. But that’s what a good mule does, and I’m a good mule.”

Derpy didn’t ask again, and the rest of the boat ride was uneventful, at least until they reached the dock and Karyn saw a familiar blue horn.

“Dinky!” she called.

“Karyn! Great to see you again. You and my bad, bad mommy. Why didn’t you tell me that you were going to the mules’ country? I would have wanted to come with you. As a student in Princess Celestia’s school, I’m supposed to evince curiosity in all things around the world.”

“I’m sorry, dear,” said Derpy. “I didn’t know that mandate. If I had gone to the Gifted Unicorn school myself, I might have, but two things kept me out.”

“No, only one,” said Karyn. “You’re not a unicorn.”

Derpy accepted the compliment with a blush.

“Anyway, I came to keep you company on the train back to Canterlot, and on the way you can tell me all about Muland,” said Dinky.

Once on board, they recounted their trip and everything they had said to each other. As Karyn reached the part where they met Jerry, Derpy asked a question.

“Hey, what is it exactly that can make unicorns lose their magic? I want to make sure you don’t get that disease.”

Dinky looked at her hooves. “It’s not something we like to talk about with others. And it’s not really a disease. Let’s just say that there are things you’re not supposed to do with magic, and that if you do, you can burn out your horn. You’ve got to be pretty messed up to do it, though.”

Derpy and Karyn shuddered at the prospect. They finished their travelogue.

“So what do you think, Dinky?” said Karyn. “Is Equestria right? Or is it the mules?”

Dinky took a long time to answer. “Different people, be they humans, mules, or ponies, can want different things. And when they do, that means they look at the world differently. Some want to know that they’re in control. Others want to know that there’s some certainty in an uncertain world. Both Princess Celestia and the mules who rule their land democratically are wise because they know that the other position has merit to the ones who believe it. I live in Equestria, because I believe in it. Some ponies live here because they were born here. It doesn’t matter where you live or why, so long as you have harmony with those who are different.”

“Karyn,” said Derpy. “I’m sorry that I argued with you in Muland. And I’ll help you do your -taxes, even if I don’t understand them.” Then she looked at Dinky. “And how did you get so smart?”

Karyn hugged Derpy. “No, I’m sorry that I badmouthed your country. I was very shortsighted.”

Dinky was confused, but she liked seeing her mother and friend getting along.

“Oh, we had another question,” said Derpy. “How does Princess Celestia pay the ponies who work for her if she doesn’t take any money from other ponies?”

“Hmm. I think this is how it works. She adds up all the money that everypony makes over the year. Like, if a pony buys some apples for one bit and makes an apple pie and sells it for two bits, then they’ve made one bit. But if they just eat the apples themselves then they’ve lost one bit. Anyway, once she’s got that, she makes that many bits in gold and uses them to pay for everything.”

Karyn stood up. “But that doesn’t make any sense. . . actually, it might make a lot of sense, but Celestia’s the only one who could do it, I think.”

“It’s probably more complicated than that, but if you really want to know, I can ask her to make some time to talk to you.”

“No, but thanks. Let’s not bother the princess.”

Derpy yawned and stretched her wings. “Do you want us to accompany you back to your school, Dinky?”

“That’s all right. You should get home, and I’m sure that Karyn needs to be getting back as well.”

They hugged their good-byes, and Karyn and Derpy rode the final stop back to Ponyville.

Derpy got her spell ready. “So, like I said, I’m ready to help you with your taxes and not complain about them.”

“Actually, I think I do want you to teach me more about that budget.”

Derpy smiled, just a little bit proud.

Author's Note:

Here's your preview for next week:

Karyn put on a coat and hat while Derpy went invisible. “Are you going to be all right? It’s pretty cold out there.”

“No worries. I go out in winter all the time. Furry coat.”

“So cute it blows my mind.”

"Huh?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hi, Daddy!” said Karyn.

“Hi, Pumpkin. What’s going on? Everything all right at school?”

They made small talk for a minute, then Karyn brought up the subject. “So, I was hoping you could help me out with something.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Come on, keep pumping those wings.” Karyn tried to be more encouraging than reproachful. Nopony likes hearing that they have a lot of work ahead of them, she thought. “As soon as we get back we’ll have lunch.”

“In that case, I’ll go extra fast!”


I hope you enjoy it!

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