• Published 25th Apr 2012
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Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human - pjabrony



Serveral years after the events of "Lyra's Human," Derpy Hooves meets a human of her own.

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3: Mid-derp Exams

Karyn put her mechanical pencil in her mouth and chewed. Probably not the healthiest habit, she reflected, but so long as she didn’t reach the lead she figured she’d be fine. Her body started to ache from sitting so long. She debated moving everything to the bed. Too much work, she thought. She considered tabling what she was doing and starting on the next book. No, not enough progress.

The clock on her desk said 9:45. The one on her computer said 9:47. Which was right? She figured it was easier to set the desk clock forward. Stop it, she told herself. You’re getting distracted. You have to study.

She read another paragraph. She looked at the gray feather pinned to her wall. Derpy was lucky, she thought. Deadlines weren’t as much of a thing for her. Even coming back for another visit would be on Derpy’s schedule.

And then, as though the thought triggered it, there was a burst of magic and the sound of a certain volume of air being replaced by an equal volume of pegasus.

“Karyn!”

“Derpy! Oh, Derpy, I was just thinking about you!”

“Good thoughts, I hope”

“Of course they were! Well, nice thoughts, anyway. I don’t know that they were good. I was getting distracted.”

“From what?”

“Derpy, I’m simply swamped with schoolwork. I have two midterms tomorrow and a paper due on Tuesday.”

“What’s a midterm?” asked Derpy.

“A test. Ponies don’t have tests? Figures, you live in a perfect world.”

“Hey, plenty about Equestria isn’t perfect. And foals in school sure do take tests. We just don’t have any fancy term for them. We just call them tests.”

“Well, midterms are big tests, though not as big as finals,” said Karyn. “And I’ve only just started studying for one, haven’t even cracked a book for the other, and as for the paper, well, I’ve got my outline, but I still have to write the thing, which is all the work!”

“Maybe I can help. What are you studying?”

Derpy poked her head over Karyn’s desk. From a textbook a page had unfolded out to four times the size of the book. The page contained what looked like a map or flowchart, with squares and circles labeled as “Workstation,” “Bridge,” “Patch Panel,” and such. Question marks appeared over Derpy’s head.

“Or. . . maybe I should just let you handle this,” Derpy said. “Looks like a treasure map, but I don’t see the X.”

Karyn chuckled. “Yeah, there’s no treasure here, and I’m looking for an A more than an X, though I think at this point a C will be enough. I’ve got to be able to draw this from memory with variations by tomorrow.

Derpy’s face drooped. “So you’re pretty busy is what you’re saying. I guess I came at a bad time.”

“Oh, Derpy! No time you come is a bad time.”

“Great, then let’s do something fun!”

“I want to, but I can’t. Don’t you see, I want to go play with you, but I have to do this.”

“You’re right. You keep at the books, I’m going to sit on the bed. It’s enough just to be with you.”

Derpy folded her wings and settled in, preparing to be bored. That wasn’t a big problem; her boredom was one of the reasons she sought to be friends with Karyn in the first place, so she hadn’t lost anything, and her loneliness was being assuaged. Poor Karyn, though. The one thing Derpy was not going to say to her was, “Why didn’t you start earlier?” Work piled up until deadlines. That was just how it worked.

She looked over to the desk. Karyn leaned over the diagram and was trying to burn it into her memory, sneaking looks out of the corner of her eye at Derpy. If only she could be in two places at once, or if she just had more time, thought Derpy.

“That’s it!” she cried, getting up from the bed.

“What’s it?”

“Come back with me to Equestria! We can spend time there and you can come back and it’ll be the same time. Better yet, bring your books and do your studying there, and you can take all the time you need!”

“Hold it, hold it,” Karyn said. “I can’t go to Equestria. I belong here!”

“And you’ll come back here, without anyone knowing you’re gone. Trust me, it’s right.”

A dozen more objections entered Karyn’s head, but they all tripped over each other and she found herself climbing on to Derpy’s back with her books clutched in her arms as the pegasus pulled out the return spell.

“Lean down and grab my neck,” Derpy said. “I don’t know what the range is on this spell, and I wouldn’t want to leave your head here.”

“What?!”

“Just kidding. I’m sure this is perfectly safe. Almost entirely sure.” And before Karyn could say anything else, Derpy had twisted her hoof and activated the spell.

“Ah, home!” said Derpy. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“Why not?”

“Because I haven’t opened my eyes yet.”

“Oh dear! Are you afraid of heights? I’ll land immediately!”

Karyn felt the sensation of controlled free fall for a moment, then replied, “No, I’m scared of inter-dimensional travel. I’ve had that phobia all my life. The only way I’ve been able to deal with it is because there were no other dimensions!”

“But this shouldn’t be so strange to you. Look. Ponyville. Town Hall. The farmer’s market. Don’t you want to see it?”

Karyn chanced opening one eye. The first thing she noticed were how bright and vivid the colors were. But the town looked different from her memories, which she realized was because it seemed deserted.

“Where is everybody?”

“Everypony, Karyn. You’re saying it wrong.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“It’s Sunday. Most likely everypony is still in bed taking it easy. But I’m a morning pony.”

“Well, let’s get settled before they all come out.”

“OK. My house here in Ponyville is still occupied, but we can go to the library. That’s the best place if you’re going to study anyway.”

Karyn’s alarm over being in the air won out over her trepidation of the town, and she insisted on walking to the library, even though Derpy had to work out how to get there by road. When they arrived, Derpy knocked on the door, and they heard muffled voices from within.

“Spike! Somepony’s knocking!”

“I’m re-shelving! Can you get it?”

“I’m copying! You’re the assistant, you know!”

“But you’re closer!”

“No, I’m not! Get a measuring tape and I’ll show you!”

“OK, maybe I’m closer on a purely straight-line basis, but my legs are shorter, so I’d have to expend more energy to get there!”

“You’re expending more energy as is by arguing!”

“Why don’t you just magically unlock it and say, ‘It’s open!’?”

“Ha! Shows what you know. Not only is that impolite, but the door’s already unlocked!”

Derpy and Karyn just looked at each other, then Derpy pulled the latch and swung it open. Karyn peered into the hollow tree and saw the expanse of books, a few study tables, and the small dragon who, while he had grown some from the baby she had seen, was still stubby and clearly immature.

“Twilight?” Derpy called into the room.

She was poring over an old volume with a quill taking notes onto a scroll. “Derpy, is that you? I thought you were going to see the human today.”

“I am. I mean, I did. I mean, I went and she was busy with her schoolwork so I brought her here to finish it without time pressure.”

“That was nice of you,” she said, still focusing on her work and not really paying attention. Derpy’s last sentence finally reached her brain. “Wait, what?”

She looked up and saw Derpy and Karyn. Both wore sheepish grins in response to the look of intensity on Twilight’s face. In a demented kind of singsong, she spoke while keeping her eyes focused on the two. “Oh, Spike! Could you stop what you’re doing for a minute and help me? I need you to take care of a guest so that I can take dear Miss Hooves aside and have a nice conniption.”

Derpy smiled, as she had confused the word “conniption” with “confection,” and thought that Twilight was about to offer her something tasty. While Karyn walked off to the side, Twilight came and put her foreleg on Derpy’s shoulder.

“So,” she began. “Let me see if I’ve got this. You went to the human world and the one you were visiting—“

“Karyn.”

“Right. . . was busy.”

“It’s Karyn with a y, though.”

“Mmhm. And what you thought was that in order to save her some time—“

“Because apparently Karen with an e is more common.”

“Yes. So you concluded that the right thing to do—“

“Not that it’s a popular name among ponies at all.”

“Got it. So you just went next to her and activated the spell that Lyra made—“

“But since the “ryn” is unaccented you could think the vowel was anything.”

“I see. And you brought her to Ponyville—“

“I think your first guess might even be that it was spelled with an i.”

“And then decided that since you already were in town, you’d drop by to see me.”

“Or an e, or maybe even an a, but it’s definitely a y.”

“DERPY!”

The pegasus looked at her and blinked. “Are you angry, Twilight? Did I do something wrong?”

Mollified by at least bringing her back into the conversation, Twilight lowered her voice. “When I said that we were going to do this safety-first, did you. . . “ She started rolling her hoof in the air. “forget, or just not care, or did you think that the concept involved completely untested and un-thought-out experiments?”

“Oh. Well, to be honest I didn’t think about that at all. Karyn was just so busy, and I could tell it was bothering her, so this occurred to me as the best solution. I’m sorry. I didn’t break anything.”

“But you could have! You might have torn our worlds apart or blended them together! Or she could have shown up and started eating ponies or something!”

“Could that really happen just by transporting one human and some books?”

“Nopony knows, that’s the point! Even though it’s only one human and—did you say books?”

“Yeah, she brought her schoolbooks to study.”

“Books from the human world? As in books-that-nopony-has-ever-read-before books?”

“I think so.”

Twilight rubbed her hooves together greedily. “Derpy, you’re a real smart mare!”

While that conversation was going on, Karyn was having her own awkward moment as Spike had led her to a table and she began unpacking.

“So,” Spike said, “You’re a human, huh?”

“Last time I checked,”Karyn said, hoping that the joke would translate and he wouldn’t think that she was a shape-changer or something.

“You’re the first human I’ve met.”

“Well, that’s fine, since you’re the first dragon I’ve met.”

“Really? So you’re not prejudiced against dragons? You don’t think that they’re all rampaging monsters?” Spike asked.

“I don’t see why I would. I mean, humans have a lot of legends about dragons, and sometimes they do rampage or hoard gold, but meeting one in the flesh, well, humans try to keep an open mind about folks they don’t know.”

“I do that too. So, just for example, purely hypothetical question, would you have any particular objection to, say, dating a dragon?”

Karyn had been organizing her notes and pages, but her ears perked up at the question and she stood up.

“Um, well, I’m not sure I would go that far. I mean, you’re nice and all, but I mean, dating?”

“Come on, you know what they say: ‘Once you go scale, all other guys pale.’”

“What about Rarity?”

“Rarity and I have an understanding.” Karyn suspected that the understanding had something to do with Rarity never having a claw laid on her.

“Er. . . I’m going to see how Derpy and Twilight are doing.”

The ponies had settled their argument and Twilight was coming to see Karyn at the same time.

“Hi, Karyn, is it?” asked Twilight.

Derpy came up next to her, “Don’t forget—“

“Yes, I know, with a y.”

“Nice to meet you, Ms. Sparkle,” said Karyn.

“Derpy tells me you brought your books.”

“Yes. Is it all right for me to study here?”

“Oh, I’m sure we can work something out. So, what kind of books are they?”

“Kind of technical stuff. I’m not sure you’d like them.”

Derpy said, “She’s studying magic, although she says it’s not quite like what we have here.”

“It’s really not magic at all,” said Karyn. “Although I can’t convince Derpy of that. Actually, she has me half believing that it might be. Which is why I need to get to studying it so I can understand exactly how it works, or at least enough to pass the test.”

“Test?”

“Yeah, a big test on this stuff tomorrow, see?”

Twilight looked over the same network map that Derpy had. Although she didn’t know any of the terminology, her logical mind tried to sort out the pattern. Flipping around to the beginning of the book she started to read the overview and see how the study could be useful. Mostly she was just enjoying the act of reading.

Karyn pulled out a book from another subject. “So, again, is it all right if I study here? It would really help relieve my time pressure.”

“Hmm. . . You can certainly use my library for peace and quiet, and I’ll appreciate it if you let me look at whichever books you’re not using at a given moment. But I won’t let you cheat on the test.”

“I don’t plan to cheat!”

“You’re gaining more time to study, aren’t you?”

“I’m almost entirely certain that the ethics section of my college handbook had nothing forbidding travel to an alternate dimension via pony magic in order to gain time.”

“Be that as it may,” said Twilight. “If every other student has an amount of time x to study and you have amount x plus y, you have an unfair advantage. That’s simple logic.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me!”

“Nope. Ethics are a sincere responsibility, and I won’t allow even a human to violate the spirit of a rule. You can stay here today, but when you return to the human world, I forbid you to study until the test is over and you’re back on the proper time track.”

Karyn laughed to herself. “OK, if that’s what it takes!”

“I mean it,” said Twilight. “Before you go I’ll enchant your books so that you can’t open them for the same amount of time that you spend here.”

“I give you my solemn promise—my word of honor as a human—that I will not study.” Karyn couldn’t get the smile off of her face. Twilight actually thought that she was denying her a privilege!

“But Twilight,” said Derpy. “If she doesn’t have additional time to study, how is she going to be ready for the tests and still be able to have fun with me?”

“Ah, now that’s a better question. I have loads of techniques and hints to help you pass tests, having taken many in my time. And Derpy, you can have fun by joining in!”

A light, peppy melody flitted throughout the library. Karyn, Derpy, and Twilight turned to see Spike noodling away on a guitar.

“Spike!” said Twilight. “What are you doing?!”

“I thought that we were going to have a training montage. You have to have music for those!”

“You’ve been hanging around Pinkie Pie too much.”

Twilight magically pulled out a green visor and a pair of reading glasses. Raising her head high, she began to speak didactically.

“Now,” said Twilight, “Take your quill and write points from the books that you think will be important. Writing can be a way to help you learn. Or if you like, you can say them out loud. You might do better that way. But by expressing the ideas as if they were your own, you’ll make that come true.

“Don’t get bogged down on any one point. It’s more important to know a little about everything than to know everything about something. Where there are gaps in your knowledge, it may be possible to re-derive the ideas you don’t know. That’s easier that trying to improvise in an area you’re completely unfamiliar with.

“Above all else, relax. Even if you’re not confident, pretend you are and think positive. Believe you’re going to ace the exam. Stress is your enemy. Don’t let it defeat you.”

Derpy had been listening to Twilight’s speech, not really understanding. Her eyes were crossed more than usual. But after the last point was made, she smiled with her mouth open, stood up, and started for the door.”

“Hey, Derpy!” called Karyn. “Where are you going? I need moral support here!”

“Don’t you worry, I’ll be right back. Twilight, take care of her, OK?”

The wooden door of the library closed with a click, and Karyn was left alone with Twilight and Spike. “Um. . . Miss Sparkle?” Karyn prompted.

“You can call me Twilight.”

“Thanks. And thanks for all the tips. But can I ask one favor?”

“What’s that?”

“Well, I brought all my books. . . “

“Yes?”

“But I didn’t bring a pen.”

“Tee hee. I’ll lend you a quill. Just make sure you don’t do that during the test.”

Against her expectations, Karyn found writing with the large feather and the bottle of ink no more difficult than using a regular human pen as she took her notes. The notes themselves she didn’t think would be particularly useful, but she trusted Twilight’s tip.

Soon there was a banging outside, and the door flew open. Derpy Hooves, laden with a diverse melange of cargo, backed into the library, balancing the various items on her back and in her hooves.

“Derpy?” asked Karyn. “What is all that stuff?”

“Twilight said it was important that you be relaxed and not stressed. Well, I don’t know about studying, but if there’s one thing I do know, it’s how to chill! I got snacks from Sugar Cube Corner if you’re hungry, lemonade if you’re thirsty, a blanket if you’re cold, ice (for the lemonade) if you’re hot, a pillow if you’re achy, candles if it’s too dark, and aromatherapy.”

“For if I’m stinky?”

“No, just if you want it to smell nice.”

“Derpy?”

“Yes?”

“You’re a good pony.”

The pegasus blushed.

For the next few hours, Derpy waited on Karyn, making sure she wanted for nothing. As the human concentrated, the ponies sat together on the other side of the library.

“So Twilight, I’m sorry that I acted so rashly. You were right that I should have thought about it before I transported Karyn here.”

“Don’t worry, Derpy. It doesn’t look like she’s dangerous.”

“And you got to see the books. Don’t worry, though. Once I take her home I’ll make sure she doesn’t come back.”

Twilight paused in thought. “A long time ago, the princess sent me to Ponyville to make some friends. She never actually rescinded the order. I’ll have to make some arrangements, but maybe it’ll be OK if Karyn visits now and then.”

Derpy smiled. Across the room, Karyn was mostly absorbed in her notes, but the conversation filtered through her concentration. She relaxed even more.

Twilight was right, she thought to herself. The relaxation and Derpy’s caring for her did help her learn. Or at least, she hoped. The proof would be in the grade.

It occurred to her that maybe it wasn’t the magic or the other dimension or the time that made the difference as much as having friends. Two humans might have done just as well for her, if she could have found two who would care as Derpy and Twilight did.

And why did they care? Derpy expressed curiosity about the human world, but was that enough of a reason to go get all those comfort items? Twilight admired scholarship in general, but did that mean that she had to give her home and her time?

Maybe that was the point of friendship, she thought. Not having to have a reason to do something nice. She’d have to think more about that. She dove back into system theory.

As the day waned, Twilight made hot soup and set it out for the four of them. “It’s important to keep your strength up when preparing for a test. Be sure to have a good meal right before you go in, but nothing too heavy,” she said.

“I wish I could bring this with me. It’s delicious!”

“What’s in it,” asked Derpy.

“Oh, celery, green onions, peppers, a few magical spices from the Everfree Forest,” said Twilight.

“But don’t worry,” said Spike. “There’s a pretty decent chance they won’t turn you into a frog or anything.”

Karyn pulled the spoon away from her mouth. Twilight faced the dragon and said, “Spike! Why are you being such a little troll today?! It’s bad enough that you were hitting on her before.”

“Oh, you heard that, huh?”

“Yes I did. I think you need a timeout tonight.”

Karyn laughed. Even though Spike was as big as the ponies now, Twilight still babied him. She leaned over to Derpy and said, “Your friends are real nice, but they’re a little weird.”

“You’re right,” said Derpy. “Our friends are.”

They finished dinner and Karyn helped clear the plates, then started packing her things.

“Now, as I said before, I’m casting a time-glue spell on your study materials.” Twilight’s horn glowed and Karyn’s books slammed themselves shut. “You can’t use them again until the test is done.”

“But I know you won’t need them!” said Derpy.

Karyn smiled at them. “Thanks, all of you. I think that no matter how I do, the studying has been worth it. And maybe I can win a bet by challenging some strong guy to open my book!”

They all laughed. She climbed on Derpy’s back and held on as the spell was activated. She was back in her room with the whole day ahead of her.

“So Derpy, you’re going to stay and relax with me, right? You were so nice to me in Equestria that I want to do something nice for you too.”

“I can’t, Karyn. It’s almost Monday back home, remember? Mail delivery awaits.”

“Oh, right, stupid time weirdness. I’ll figure it out eventually.”

“Don’t worry,” said Derpy. “I’m sure as soon as the test is done the rest of the week will fly by like a pegasus pony in a race. And before you know it, I’ll be back.”

The two friends hugged, and then Derpy magicked herself home.

Physically unable to study, Karyn spent the rest of the day on a nature walk, a nap, some TV, and a leisurely dinner. The next morning, rested and awake, she sauntered into her first exam. Looking at the familiar half-sized blue test booklet, she wrote her name on the front cover. . .

Only to find her pen was out of ink. She tried another from her bag, but that one failed too. She pulled out her mechanical pencil, but when that wouldn’t write despite her seeing the lead exposed, she realized what had happened.

“Twilight, you silly unicorn! You weren’t supposed to jinx all my stuff, just my books!” she said under her breath. No one was close enough to overhear.

Then Karyn noticed something else in her bag. “No,” she thought, “I couldn’t. Could I?”

She did.

“Ms. Hubert! Are you trying to make a mockery of this class?” the professor said.

“I’m not, really,” Karyn said as the other students all stared at the odd girl filling out her booklet with an eighteen-inch feather and a bottle of ink. “It’s. . . um. . . a good-luck charm for me.”

“Well, I suppose there’s no rule against it. But go sit in the back so you’re not a distraction to the other students.”

She felt her stress start to return. But then she laughed at herself. “This is going to be a great story to tell Derpy,” she muttered,as she relaxed once more. She opened her book and began the test.

Author's Note:

Next time, on Derpy's Human:


“OK, Derpy, this is a computer. It’s part of what I was studying last week. You can use it to learn just about anything you want to know regarding the human world.”

“Sweet! How does it work?”

“Well, for humans, we normally type on the keyboard, but the keys are too small for your hooves. Instead, I can set up a virtual keyboard and let you use the. . . pointing device,” Karyn said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Oh, I’m so dead. . . I’m so dead.” Karyn’s started repeating again. She crawled to the bed and curled up in the fetal position on it. Derpy’s happy smile drooped as she realized that, while not having any bad intentions, she had done something horrible to her friend. She went over and put a wing on Karyn’s shoulder.

“Karyn?”

She didn’t respond.

“I’m sorry, OK?” But Karyn said nothing.

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