• Published 25th Apr 2012
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Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human - pjabrony



Serveral years after the events of "Lyra's Human," Derpy Hooves meets a human of her own.

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17: Derpycon

A cheer went up and everyone shuffled forward. The staff checked badges and waved the people through.

Karyn asked Derpy, “What are queues like in Equestria?”

“Hmm. . . We don’t really have queues like this. Except for cider season. Or baking giveaways. But when we do, generally we form a single line. Not just filtering in like this.”

“Hm,” said Karyn.

“What’s up?”

“I’m just remembering something I read in a book once. There was this guy who traveled the world. All over, different countries. And he said that the biggest difference he saw from the civilized countries to the uncivilized ones were the queues. In the civilized countries, any time there was a distribution—a sale, a give-away, anything—people would automatically line up. But the uncivilized lands would just rush the giver in a mass.

“If Equestrian ponies are that good at forming a single line, and if there’s anything to the theory, you must be very civilized.”

Her reminiscences were cut short as they made their way into the con. “OK, what are we doing first?” asked Derpy.

“Swag.”

“Swag?”

“Merch. Booty. Stuff. We’re going to ruin my financial future by spending too much on material with ponies on them”

“Um. . . that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense,” said Derpy.

“No, it probably doesn’t. But once in a while, not often, you’ve got to indulge yourself.”

“I can understand that, but why this?”

Karyn stopped. “You know, you may be right. If it were last year—even if it were six months ago—I would have blown my money. But what do I need with a plastic pony when I’ve got a real pony right here?” She gave Derpy a hug around the neck.

“Then what will we do?”

“We can still look.”

They browsed the aisles of the salespeople. Derpy looked at the artwork and crafts. She turned up her nose at some of them, but really liked watching the people who liked them. At one booth, they were selling pony ears, pegasus wings, and unicorn horns. They were selling fast.

“Karyn, those horns and wings don’t really do magic or let you fly, do they?”

“Of course not.”

“Aw, that’s so sad. These poor people are being cheated!”

“No,” said Karyn with a laugh. “They all understand it. It’s just a fashion thing.”

“Well, I wish that they did really work.”

“You and everyone else.”

They turned a corner and reached the end cap where the official merchandise was being sold. The crush of people was heaviest here. Posters and T-shirts were flying off the wall. Derpy was staring at one end while Karyn browsed around.

“Can I help you with anything, Derpy?” the saleslady said.

“No thanks, I’m just looking. Hey, Karyn!” Derpy said, calling her over.

“What’s up?”

“There’s a shirt here.”

“There’s a bunch of shirts here,” said Karyn.

“But this one says, ‘Derpy is best pony.’”

“Mmhm. A lot of people like you. What’s the problem? You want royalties?”

“No, it’s just—“

“Are you not happy that you’re so popular among humans? Trust me, there are plenty who prefer Twilight Sparkle or Rainbow Dash or Fluttershy.”

“It’s not that, either, it’s just. . . “ Derpy trailed off.

“What?”

“Why isn’t it, ‘Derpy is the best pony?’”

******************************************

“Karyn. I think the opening ceremonies are starting.”

“Meh. We can go, but I wouldn’t expect much out of it,” said Karyn.

“Why not?”

The floor of the convention center had been partitioned out with black curtains. They only went about two-thirds away across the floor. There was plenty of space on either side for people to gather about and plan their next move. Derpy and Karyn had done so.

“Well, for the most part, they’re just going to tell people what’s going on if they haven’t read the brochure or something, and to show off the guests and things. It’s more for the first-timers than anything else.”

“But I’m a first-timer!” said Derpy.

“Yeah, but you don’t want to act like one,” Karyn said with a smile. “But all right, we’ll take a look.”

They moved down the wall where people were filling in seats. Karyn was hesitant to sit down. Derpy was comfortable standing.

“I guess this is what you meant by a lot of waiting,” said Derpy.

“Yep.”

Finally the ceremony started. A young fellow in a suit jacket took to the microphone. “Welcome to. . . “ he said, before the mike dropped out. “Oops, sorry. A bit too loud. Anyway, I’m glad you’ve all come together today to celebrate our love of My Little Pony!”

A cheer erupted from the crowd.

“Thank you. I’m sure you’re all keen to get started, but let’s just go over a few rules first. Remember when you’re dealing with the guests to be respectful and polite. Be sure to ask permission before taking pictures or hugging the guests or such.”

“Does he really need to say that?” asked Derpy. “It’s already in the book, and it’s common sense besides.”

“That’s what I’m saying,” said Karyn. “But there are a few people who need to hear it. Either that, or they just want to hear somebody say something.”

“Come on, let’s check out some of the other rooms.”

They made their way past the merchandising aisles again and to the front wall where they came in. Smaller auditoriums, only able to hold a few hundred people, stood against the wall. They ducked inside one.

“Gaming?” said Derpy. She looked over the room. A few of the people there were setting up to deal out cards. “Oh, no. Not playing cards again. I’ve lost enough.”

“Don’t worry. There’s no money in these games,” said Karyn.

Derpy looked over the board. The two players who were seated were intent on the game, but when they noticed Derpy, they looked up and smiled.

“Hey, it’s Derpy Hooves! You play cards?”

“No, I’ve had a bad experience. How does this game work?”

“Well,” the player said, “You’ve got this card here, right. He’s the main warrior. Then these support cards. . .” He launched into a long-winded explanation of complex rules. Derpy just nodded and stared.

“Come on, Derpy,” said Karyn. “I think this is more your speed.”

“Thanks for showing me,” said Derpy. “Enjoy your game.”

Derpy trotted over to the station Karyn was at. There was a human sitting at a computer.

“Their screen is a lot bigger than the one you have at the dorm,” Derpy said.

“Yeah, yeah,” said Karyn. “I know. Just watch.”

Derpy looked at the screen. There was a movie of Applejack subtitled on the bottom. It appeared to Derpy as if she was welcoming the human to Ponyville.

“I don’t get it,” she said. “When did Applejack record this?”

“She didn’t. It’s just something that someone drew and wrote the script for. It’s not canon.”

“Of course it’s not. It’s Pinkie Pie who has a cannon, not Applejack.”

Karyn laughed. “No, canon with one n. Well, two n’s, but not next to each other.”

“I don’t get it,” said Derpy.

“OK. Everything that actually happens to you in Equestria? That’s canon. Everything that humans on Earth make up about you? That’s not canon.”

“That’s too existential. Let’s watch the story.”

They looked on as the player went through the developments of the characters. Most people had already found the game online and played it, so Derpy was the one paying the most attention.

“It’s a nice story, even if it didn’t really happen. I guess it’s just good when things make dramatic sense. Real life doesn’t always fall into nice structure.”

“Now who’s being existential?” said Karyn.

“Whatever. Let’s go show off some more!”

Shaking her head, Karyn returned to the main floor with Derpy. Ahead of them was a line for autographs. Neither of them was interested in the guest at the end, but their attention was drawn to a young, blonde girl in a gray jacket and a pair of the wings they had seen sold. If Derpy had been human, this would have been a good approximation. The similarity was aided by what the girl was doing, which was passing out small envelopes from a mail sack.

When she reached Derpy, she stopped. Derpy was touched by the tribute. She had been pretending that she was wearing a costume, but this girl loved her so much that she really had dressed up like her, and was even doing her job.

“Do you want a letter?” the girl asked.

“No, thanks,” said Derpy. “I deal with them enough at work. This is my day off.”

She laughed and handed one to Karyn instead.

“What does it say?” asked Derpy.

Karyn opened the seal, being careful not to damage it. “It says, ‘Why can’t paper bags be a costume?’”

Derpy sighed. “Money was tight that year. I had to wear something, right? So Nightmare Moon wouldn’t eat me?”

“You don’t have to defend yourself. It’s just another reason everyone here likes you.”

They made their way past the merchandise section again. One booth that was packed the first time they had walked by was now empty. They had no display except a large sheet in many colors. The woman behind the table was stopping everyone in range.

“Excuse me,” she said, “Did you get one of our free giveaway trading cards? We’re selling the packs, but everyone gets this Rarity card.”

Derpy stopped and looked at it. “There are an awful lot of cards at this convention,” she said.

Karyn was looking at the proof sheet of the cards. “These ones aren’t even for playing. They just have information on them. Thank you,” she said as the lady handed them each one of the freebies.

“I just need to hole-punch your badge to indicate that you’ve received it,” she said.

“You know. . . “ said Derpy, and hesitated.

“Yes?”

“I know I said before that we shouldn’t be spending money, but I would like a souvenir to take back with me. Um. . . for Dinky.”

“All right. You want a couple packs of the cards? Let’s see how much they are first,” said Karyn.

“The whole set is forty, each pack is two-fifty,” the saleslady said.

“That’s actually not bad,” said Karyn. “Want to get two packs each? A nice, even ten dollars?”

“Sounds good to me!” said Derpy.

Karyn passed over the money, expecting the cards to just be put in her hand. Instead, the saleslady reached under the table and pulled out a huge shopping bag. It was half as tall as Karyn, and was emblazoned with a picture of Rainbow Dash.

“Whoa!” said Derpy. “I get a free blanket too?”

Her mistake was forgivable because of the size. The saleslady put the cards inside and handed it to Karyn.

“This is going to be unwieldy,” Karyn said as they walked away. “I bet that they give you such a large bag in order to make you buy more. They figure if you don’t have to worry about where to put things, you’ll be more inclined to spend money.”

“But we’re done, right?” said Derpy.

“Yeah. I really don’t feel like carrying this around, though.”

“Well, the next panel is the one on music that we want to see, and it doesn’t start for twenty minutes. Want to run back and drop it at the hotel?”

“Sure.”

They found the convention exit. People were still filing in en masse, but there was a clear path for those wanting to leave. After a short walk to the hotel, Derpy and Karyn got back in the entry line. Idly Karyn tapped her pockets to check on her keys and her phone and. . .

“My badge!” she said, looking around. “I lost it!”

She swore, causing Derpy’s ears to flatten.

“All right, don’t panic,” said Derpy.

“But I can’t get in! I’m going to miss the entire rest of the convention! They won’t even sell me another one if I wanted to spend the money!”

“Let’s just make sure that you didn’t drop it back in the hotel room.”

They made their way back along the path they had just traveled. Karyn kept her eyes wide open as she searched the ground. When they made it to the lobby, they had to wait for three elevator cars to come and go before they got the one that they had come down in. Karyn insisted on making sure that they took the same one that they had come down in. But the badge wasn’t there, and neither was it in the room.

“What are we going to do now?” she asked.

“We’ve just got to go back to the convention and check around. I’ll check around, since I still have mine,” Derpy said.

“All right. They probably have a lost and found as well. I’ll just let them know to be on the lookout.”

“Do you remember the number on it?”

“Yeah, I got lucky there,” said Karyn. “It was 1700. Nice round number.”

At the convention, they approached the main information booth. Karyn explained that she had lost her badge, and the con organizer looked at her and Derpy.

“We haven’t had anyone turn in a lost badge yet. Try back in an hour.” Karyn’s face fell. But then he reached over to a stack of blank badges and handed her one. “Use this as a temporary one. Don’t write on it or mark it up. Bring it back when you find yours.”

Karyn looked up. “Really?! You’ll let me do that? Normally badge security is so tight. . . “

“You’re walking around with someone in a full-sized Derpy Hooves costume. I don’t think that you’re trying to take advantage of us. Just don’t lose this one.”

“I won’t! I promise!”

Karyn got past the badge check with ease. If the checkers thought that it was unusual to have a blank badge, they didn’t say anything.

“That was incredibly nice of them,” said Derpy.

“I know, right? This fandom really has the best people in it. They know when to follow rules, and when to just use your own judgment.”

“And now we get to see the music panel!”

There were still another five minutes to go before the panel started, so Derpy and Karyn managed to snag what they thought were good seats. They were right in the middle, about ten rows back.

“Well,” said Derpy, “at least our little adventure with the badge cut down our wait time.”

“Yeah. Every cloud has a silver lining, right?”

“No, they don’t. If they did, I wouldn’t have to work as a mailmare.”

Karyn was about to say something, but then the panel emcee reached the microphone and greeted everyone.

Derpy leaned over. “So what is this, anyway? Like a concert?”

“Not quite. It’s just regular human songs with videos of ponies shown to them.”

“Oh. That’ll be cool to watch. I haven’t gotten to hear a whole lot of human music.”

The first video started, and Karyn watched enraptured. Derpy was not having such a good time, though.

“I can’t make out anything that they’re singing,” she said. “The acoustics in here are really bad.”

Karyn looked around and up. The ceiling was very high and was crisscrossed with structural shapes. The black curtains that separated the panel rooms probably weren’t helping. There was a speaker in the middle, but it appeared not to be turned on. The industrial-level air conditioners churning out white noise were not helping the situation. She could understand the songs because she’d heard them so often, but Derpy had no chance.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” said Karyn. We can move closer to the speakers, but then we have a worse angle on the screen, and we’ll have to stand.”

“What I really want to do is to stretch my wings. I haven’t flown at all since yesterday.”

Karyn put her hand on Derpy’s shoulder to hold her down. “I told you, you can’t do that. If you’re actually flying, people are going to go nuts. The least that’ll happen is that they’ll think we invented the jetpack.”

“You’re right. I’ll have to go invisible.”

“You can’t do that either. Everyone will see you disappearing.”

Derpy put her hoof to her chin in thought. “I’ll duck into the little fillies’ room, OK? No one will see if I go in the stall. Don’t worry, I’ll stay right above you the whole time.”

Derpy trotted off, and Karyn was left alone to watch the music videos. She much preferred having Derpy around to talk to, but she hoped that when the panel was over, she could explain everything they had seen to her.

It was right in the middle of one of the more techno-style videos that the screen went dark, and one of the safety staff ran up to the stage. “Um. . . we need to have everyone evacuate the building in an orderly fashion, please. Just please exit through the front.”

Karyn looked up. One of the light fixtures was showering sparks down on the floor.

“Derpy!” she said, but with conflicting meanings. “I hope she’s all right,” battled with “I’m going to kill her for causing this.” She got up and walked out with the crowd. Everyone else was looking at the ceiling to see the display. Karyn was looking to make sure that flames didn’t cover a pony-shaped patch of air.

The sun was blazing outside, and the few sections of shade were quickly occupied. Karyn walked a few yards away to a multi-story parking garage and waited. I have got to get that mare a cell phone, she thought.

Out of the shadows walked Derpy. “There you are! Thank goodness you’re all right!” said Karyn.

“I had you in my sights the whole time. I just had to find a lonely spot to turn off the magic.”

“So what happened up there?”

“I just don’t know—“

“What went wrong, yeah, I’ve heard that one,” Karyn said. “Derpy, look me in the eye and tell me the truth. Did you set the light on fire?”

“I didn’t. Honestly! I would never do something like that, you know that. Shoot, I wouldn’t even know how.”

Karyn pursed her lips. “All right, you’ve got a point. And I believe you.”

“So what do we do now?”

“Early lunch? I can get sandwiches.”

“Works for me!” said Derpy.

Karyn went off to get the sandwiches. Derpy observed everyone standing and waiting for the con to re-open. They were smiling and laughing despite the trouble. Someone started singing, and everyone joined in. Derpy still had trouble making out the words, but she could sense the camaraderie that existed among all the attendees. She’d heard some awful rumors about humans on and off in Equestria. She wished that everypony she knew could see these humans. Whatever their history, any people who could achieve this were worth knowing.

Karyn returned and they munched in the shade.

Between crunches of lettuce, Derpy said, “Cold sandwiches are the best on a hot day.”

“Oh, yeah,” said Karyn. “Cucumber, lettuce, and tomato, all crunchy and cool.”

They were kept outside for over an hour, but spirits remained high throughout the wait. When they finally announced that they would re-open, Karyn and Derpy queued up with the rest of the people near the lot.

The coordinator assigned numbers to each group based on where they were standing. Counting from his right, he delineated six groups.

“We’re number six, of course,” said Karyn. “Murphy’s law.”

“What’s that?”

“An old saying. The common version of it is, ‘Anything that can go wrong, will.’ Just like when we arrived and my luggage was next to last. Everyone’s luggage is next to last.”

Derpy tilted her head. “That doesn’t make sense. Someone’s got to be first. Look, there’s group one, going back into the con.”

“They aren’t real people. They can’t be. Real people always face hardships.”

“Then who doesn’t?” asked Derpy.

“The others. The ones that you meet for one day on a bus trip. The ones that don’t have stories of their own, but are only characters in your story.”

“In other words, background ponies?”

Karyn looked at Derpy, who smiled and winked. Just then, the coordinator said, “All right, second group, number six!”

“I guess it’s good to be a background character,” Karyn said.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Do you think life could really work like that? Like, maybe some people have fates and destinies that are written, but the rest of the people have free will, because nothing they do matters as much?”

Derpy kept shuffling forward. “I don’t know. I’m not much for heavy philosophy when we could just be having fun.”

“Good point.”

The rest of the convention went smoothly. Derpy was continually pressed for pictures, autographs, and hugs. Once Karyn went back to the merchandise booth and bought the last pair of wings, she got a few requests of her own. By the time the midnight rave was about to start, they were ready to head for the hotel.

“Unless you want to stay for the rave,” said Karyn.

“Not really. They have some parties like that at home, but they’ve never been my favorite. Not that I have anything against dancing and music, but why can’t they just have it in a dark room at two o’clock in the afternoon when everypony’s awake?”

“Search me.”

They reached the hotel. They were both tired, but it was the kind of tired where you just wanted to lay down and smile.

“Definitely the highlight of the summer,” said Derpy.

“Oh, yeah. Only one problem.”

“What’s that?”

“We have to take the flight home.”

Author's Note:

And now, the preview of next week's chapter!


Trust me,” said Derpy. “I know this trip like the back of my hoof.”

“Well, the station’s pretty, at least.”

Derpy picked up the bags with her wings. “They’ve really built it up since I came to Ponyville. Back then it was just a stone slab. Some stations are still like that.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“The insufferable clod!” said Derpy. “He thought you were some kind of servant. Why couldn’t he be nice to you?”

“I guess not everypony’s used to humans.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What did you say, Derpy?” asked Karyn.

“Oh. . . never mind.”

“No, come on, tell me.”

“You’ll think it’s silly,” said Derpy.

“No, I won’t. Please.”


Be sure to read it, same time as usual!

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