• Published 25th Apr 2012
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Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human - pjabrony



Serveral years after the events of "Lyra's Human," Derpy Hooves meets a human of her own.

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87: That New Derp Smell

It was a distracting morning for Derpy, as it seemed she could do nothing without being interrupted by somepony. She was rapidly losing her status as a loner, so even on Sunday Pinkie Pie might drop by with a baked good to share, or Colgate would stick her head in to remind Derpy to brush. That Sunday, she just barely had time to finish her letter to Dinky which she would mail on Monday before getting in the air and transferring to Earth.

When she landed, it seemed to her that Karyn was in just as much of a frantic state, although the apartment was cleaner than usual. She jumped back and forth to her computer and phone, and it didn’t take long for Derpy to ask what was going on.

“You, my extradimensional friend,” Karyn said, “are going to have to go invisible shortly. My parents are coming for a visit.”

“Oh, cool. Is it like a visitors’ day where everyone’s parents can come and see the school?”

“It is not. We do have one of those, though it is more of an occasion for the school to sell overpriced sweatshirts and baseball caps to the visitors.”

Derpy sat down at the breakfast table and went into her saddlebag, getting her invisibility spell ready in case she needed to use it rapidly. “So it’s just a random visit? Maybe they miss you.”

“I’m sure they do, but it’s not so much random. There are a lot of little things that I forgot at home since I was there last, and they’ll be bringing them. Plus Mom wanted to stop at some store that’s out of the way for them but is somewhat between there and here. And all that leads up to the big reason they are coming.”

“Which is?”

Karyn went for her coat. Derpy didn’t know what was going on, but she turned on her invisibility and followed her outside. Once there, Karyn opened the door of her car and sat inside, but kept her legs outside and just leaned in, so Derpy didn’t go around just yet. When Karyn inserted the key and turned, Derpy understood.

The car’s engine grinded and whined, and then a sound like a toboggan being dragged over snow came forth from under the hood. This state continued for as long as Karyn held the key in position, the engine never turning over.

“It won’t start at all. I can go to class by walking, but other than that I’m stuck here. I’ve been going stir crazy the last three days.”

“But you had plenty of time to catch up on your homework.”

Karyn had to laugh at that. “I finished it all on Friday, and read two chapters ahead in the book we’re doing for English class. No, I need a working car.”

“What do you think is wrong with it?”

“I don’t know. Really, while I understand the theory of how they run, my mechanical knowledge goes as far as ‘turn key, step on pedal, make go forward.’ Anything else, I call in an expert. But my father wants to take a look at it.”

Derpy shifted around to the front. “I wonder if I could see what’s wrong.”

“I, um, OK, if you like.” Karyn reached beneath the steering column and popped the hood. It took her a minute or so to find the latch that had to be done by hand, and they she propped it up with the stick. “That’s it. If you can make heads or tails of this, more power to you. I think that’s the stick where you check the oil, but don’t ask me anything else.”

“Hang on a minute.”

With Derpy unable to be seen, Karyn couldn’t tell what she was doing, but there was definitely movement. Parts started to move in the car, but then there was a cough and sputter from the engine, and Karyn could feel wind as Derpy backed off.

“Didn’t go so well, huh?”

“I looked for a spell that might fix it,” Derpy said. “I have repair spells in my bag, but this is such a complex piece of machinery, I don’t want to risk blowing it up.”

“Good move.”

They could continue no further, for at that moment a car came inching up the road, and Karyn saw that it was her parents’ vehicle. She waved to them, and her father, who was behind the wheel, looked relieved to have found her on the first pass. He parked in the street, and they walked up the driveway.

“Hey,” Karyn’s father said. “Already got it set up for me, huh?”

“Yeah. Do you think you can tell what’s wrong?”

“Won’t know till I look.”

Watch out for any magic residue, Karyn said to herself, smiling all the way. As she visited with her mother, her father continued his poking and prodding. Karyn had never known him to be particularly mechanically inclined, and she mentioned as much.

After a few minutes, he emerged, his hands grease-stained. “Well, it doesn’t look good. Get in the car.” Karyn moved for the driver’s seat, but he said, “No, I mean our car.”

“What for?”

He nodded to Karyn’s mother, who winked as she hugged her. “We were talking it over on the way here, and we’ve been talking about getting a second car for us. But if yours is starting to fall apart, we’ll take that back and give you the one we’re driving now.”

“For real?!”

“That’s right.”

To her parents, it appeared that Karyn stumbled from the excitement. They could not, of course, see that she was getting hugged by Derpy.

“This is too much. You gave me this car. I still haven’t had to buy one of my own and make payments I can’t afford.”

Karyn’s father led her to his car, saying, “It’s a selfish motive. I’ll feel better if you’re in a safer car, which ours is. I don’t want you driving in some used car that we don’t know about. Yes, there are those vehicle history reports, but I don’t trust those.”

Right as they pulled out, Karyn’s mother said, “We’re still going to have to figure out what to do about this one. We may have to get a tow truck.”

“Ugh. I hate the idea of paying so much money for towing service, plus while I’m sure there are some pleasant tow-truck drivers with a good sense of personal hygiene, I’ve never met one.”

Karyn thought about Derpy’s spell. “We can give it one more try when we get back. You never know if it’ll work on one occasion or another.”

“Good point.”

They drove off, and Karyn reached across for Derpy’s hoof, but found nothing. She was alone in the back seat, and wondered if Derpy hadn’t had time to get in or if she thought that this was a family moment. No, surely she was flying overhead, waiting to jump out and observe everything about how a car purchase was transacted.

“So,” Karyn said, “did you guys have any kind of car in particular that you wanted to get?”

Her mom turned around in the seat. “Your father is being a little weird. He refuses to buy an American car ever since that issue with the bailouts, so we’re going to look at German and Japanese ones. There are plenty of dealers on the main road that we passed.”

They drove a few miles, and Karyn wished that Derpy were inside to keep her company, even if in invisible silence. She thought about rolling down the window to let her in, but it was far too cold outside, and if she tried the excuse that she was too hot, it wouldn’t make sense for her not to just ask her father to lower the heat.

There were indeed many dealers on the main road, but they had to pass two before they pulled into one that had foreign cars. As they parked, Karyn’s mother put her hand on her husband’s arm. “Now, don’t agree to anything too quickly. Above all, don’t sign anything.”

“Agreed. Also, don’t tell them anything about financing. I plan to finance it through our bank, not their company. From what I’ve heard, a lot of them will give you discounts if they think they can make it up with interest.”

For Karyn, this was all new, and she listened with rapt attention. Someday she would be in her parents’ shoes, and she wanted to know what to do.

Meanwhile, she still looked around for Derpy, then realized that was silly and only felt around for Derpy. To her surprise, no soft hoof reached out to grab her hand. She shrugged and went in.

A salesman had immediately spotted them and was already in conversation with Karyn’s father. They agreed on a car to test drive, and the salesman left them alone while he went to get the keys.

It took him a long time to return. “Sorry, I had to get a manager. They’re the only ones with the code to the safe.”

“You have to keep the keys in a safe?” asked Karyn.

“Yes, we do, little lady.” Karyn decided she didn’t like him much and went to mope around the lot. The cold was getting to her, so she went inside the dealer’s showroom to get warm. In her boredom, she looked at the stickers on the cars displayed there.

“It’s so weird to see cars indoors,” she muttered to no one in particular.

“It’s weird for me to see cars at all,” said Derpy.

“Derpy! Where did you go?”

“I followed you guys here, and then I saw all these shiny cars and I went to look at them. We have nothing like this back in Ponyville.”

“Of course not,” Karyn said.

“I mean, even when they sell carts, they’re not all fancy like this. It makes me want to buy one.”

“Of course. Everything here is geared toward making you make that decision.”

Karyn’s mother entered the showroom and found her. “Good news,” she said. “We’ve found one we want.”

“Already?! What about checking other places and shopping around?”

“It’s a good car, it’s within what we budgeted out, we like the way it drives. What more do we want?”

She walked away to get Karyn’s father, leaving her to say to Derpy, “See what I mean?”

“Yes, but I think what it is, is that they really don’t like to shop for cars, and so they want to get it over with as soon as possible.”

“I hadn’t thought of that.”

Her father returned with the salesman, and he brought over a third chair to his desk, which was right in the middle of the showroom rather than in an office. He pulled out a folder full of paperwork.

“Now,” he said, “the first thing we have to do is to change your insurance. We don’t usually work with this carrier. You wouldn’t happen to know their customer service phone number, would you?”

“Sorry, no.”

“No, problem, I can look it up. How about your policy number?”

Karyn’s father shook his head, which made her perk her head up. “Didn’t I set you up with online accounts for all your bills? They would have e-mailed it to you and that would have the number.”

Her mother put her arm around Karyn. “Our little information whiz. She’s so smart.”

Karyn rolled her eyes. “This is probably going to take a while. I’m going to walk around some more.”

She extricated herself from the desk and found a quiet corner of the dealership.

“The problem with this,” she told Derpy, “is that everyone is going to want everyone else to take the first step. The insurance company is going to want assurance from the dealer that the car belongs to Mom and Dad, the DMV is going to want proof of insurance, and the dealer has to have the car registered before they let it off the lot. So everything goes around in circles for a while.”

“Your mom seemed real proud of you.”

“Yeah, I at least got the ball rolling. But I bet it’s an hour at least before we get out of here.”

Derpy seemed distracted by something, but Karyn couldn’t read her expression to tell what. “I can fly back to your place just like I did here. I’m sure you don’t want me with you on the first ride in the new car.”

“Don’t say things like that! Of course we want you on the ride. Well, I want you, and if my parents knew of your existence, they’d want you there too.”

It did not take an hour for them to get finished, it took two and a half hours, including a trip back and forth in the old car to the local branch of the bank to pick up the cashier’s check that would pay the entirety of the car’s price. But at last they piled into the new car. Karyn took the time to open both back doors under the guise of an inspection, and this time Derpy was secured in. Karyn’s father messed around with the settings before putting it into gear, her mother driving the old one.

Back at the apartment, they parked in the street, and Karyn’s father had some fun playing with the remote lock and starter attachment. “The one I had for the old car burned out years ago, so I’ve had to do it the old-fashioned way all the time. Oh, hello.”

This last was to Gayle, who Karyn just noticed was hauling out the trash.

“Hi, there,” she said.

It was up to Karyn to make the introductions. “Gayle, this is my father, and my mother should be along in a minute or two with the old car. Dad, this is Gayle, my landlady.”

They shook hands, then Gayle stepped back near Karyn. “Are they, you know…?”

Karyn shook her head.

“Well, Karyn’s just the model tenant. I don’t have any complaints about her.”

“That’s good to hear.”

Her mother pulled up in what would now be Karyn’s car, and the street was getting a little crowded. Karyn said, “I’m going to try to get my car to start one more time. If it does, you can take it home and have it looked at whenever you have time.”

"I'm sure that you'll be able to get it running," said Gayle with a wink.

"I hope so." Karyn walked with Derpy over to the old car. Derpy had picked up on what was going on, and went into her saddlebag for the spell.

"I'm going to let you use this, but if you don't mind I'll be far away when you do. It scares me a little."

"That's fine."

She got into the front seat and blocked the others' vantage point with her body. Taking a deep breath and thinking of the firewall between the engine and the passenger compartment, she slipped her hand into the spell and turned. Just like turning a key, the engine chugged a few times before turning on. Karyn gave a silent thanks that magic existed, and revved the engine a few times with the car in neutral.

On the way back, she realized that she still had the keys in her purse. She ran back and jammed them in the ignition, turning it to the on position and then taking all the other ones off the key ring.

"I got it working!"

"So I see," her mother said. "Well, we'd better get going. Here's the key to yours now. Take care of it." She moved toward the one they had just bought.

"I thought I would drive this one home," Karyn's father said.

"You got to drive it here!"

"All right," he said with a smile. Kissing Karyn goodbye, he leaned into her and whispered, "Your landlady seems nice, but she's kind of a space case. Believes in witchcraft and all that."

"I know. Silly, right?"

They drove off, Gayle went inside, and at last Karyn and Derpy were free to look at the car. "So this is yours now, huh?" said Derpy.

“I guess so. I can’t really believe it. I mean, it’s not the same as the new one my folks got. That literally went from a factory, probably somewhere in Michigan, to the dealer, to them. Untouched by human hands.”

“Or pony hooves.”

“Yeah.” Karyn was running her finger along the side of the car. “Anyway, want to take a ride?”

“To where?”

“Anywhere. I want to get familiar with the car.”

They got in. “This is roomier than your old car,” said Derpy.

“It is. Is something on your mind?”

“It’s really generous of your parents. A roomier car.”

Karyn was still feeling out the car, but had to turn to say, “Derpy, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, it’s just so nice of them.” A sob was in her voice.

“Please tell me.”

“It’s just that I’ve never been able to do anything like that for Dinky. Even just sending her to school was a big deal. I should have been able to do nice things for her, but I couldn’t, because I just wasn’t successful enough.”

Now Karyn had to pull the car to the side of the road. “Stop that. You know that Dinky loves you more than any filly’s ever loved her mother.”

“Yeah, and why? What did I ever do to deserve it?”

“Everything! Who stayed up nights when Dinky was sick? Who took a job instead of being a house-mare like she wanted? Who made dinner every night so that she could grow up healthy?”

“But that’s what you’re supposed to do.”

A car came by, and Karyn realized how it would look arguing with the empty passenger seat, so she threw in her Bluetooth. At least now she had an excuse for having pulled off to the side of the road, since taking phone calls while driving was illegal in many places and frowned upon everywhere else.

“No, listen, I don’t like that argument. I hear it all the time, in lots of contexts. Someone says, ‘Hey, I do my work,’ and people say, ‘You’re supposed to do that!’ Yeah, but plenty of other people don’t do their work, and they don’t raise their kids correctly, and they also don’t suffer for it. Well, I say it’s wrong. People who accomplish even making it through the day ought to be able to feel proud of it. If we all had a little more pride and a little more respect for other people’s challenges, the world would be a better place.”

All was quiet for a few moments, and Karyn was afraid that she had said something to offend Derpy, but then she felt a tackle and was slammed into the seat. “That’s so sweet! I know you’re just saying that to be nice to me, but it’s nicer than anypony else is.”

“I’m not, it’s true.”

“And now here I am getting tears on your new car’s upholstery.”

“Don’t worry about that,” said Karyn. “Let’s swing around back to my place so we can calm down. Oh, wait! We have to do that.”

“Do what?”

“It’s something traditional when you get a new car. Have to break it in.”

Derpy was still confused, but Karyn seemed to know where she was going. A few miles down the road, she signaled for a left and then pulled into a restaurant.

“I don’t get it.”

“Drive-through, one of the greatest American inventions. Yes, hi, I’d like two garden salads, please.” This last was to the speaker box.

They made it home, ate the salads, and by then it was time for Derpy to go home and Karyn to set up for her short week of classes. They took one last look at the car before giving each other a final hug and going their separate ways.

Back in Equestria, Derpy, despite Karyn’s reassurances, felt neglectful of Dinky, and resolved to write her an extra letter that week. She flew home, sticking her chest out and thinking that, if Karyn’s words were true, nopony had any right to criticize her for anything. It was an unusual feeling, that confidence.

Circling down to her house, she saw a letter sitting outside. Since it was Sunday, she hadn’t expected any mail, and nopony she knew had any cause to pay extra for Sunday delivery. But the hornwriting was intimately familiar to her, and she worried a little as she tore it open.

“Dear Mommy,” it read, “First off, please don’t panic because I sent this on a Sunday. I know you, and I’m sure your first reaction is to assume there’s a problem. But there isn’t, just a quirk of scheduling. I’m going to be in Fillydelphia next Sunday, and that’s close enough to you that I thought you might like to come out for a visit. Bring Karyn, of course, I miss her so.

“If you write me tomorrow, it’ll get here in time before I go, but don’t put it off till Tuesday, because I’ll be on the road by then. This isn’t just a pleasure trip for me, it’s business as well. I hope to hear from you, and see you soon. Love you and miss you.

“Dinky.”

Out loud, Derpy said, “She’s even thinking of me when I’m thinking of her. I can’t wait till next week.”

She rushed off to find a pen so she could respond.

Author's Note:

Let's see what we've got coming for next week!

“All right, let me just get my coat.”

“No time! Changeling magic yourself if you’re cold.”

Karyn stared. “I thought you didn’t like me using it when no one else could.”

“But this is important.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Right at that moment, a stallion in uniform walked up to her. “Welcome back, Miss Hooves. Your room has been tidied for you, and there are no messages. Anything else I can provide for you, don’t hesitate to ring.”

“Thank you.” That only impressed Derpy the more.

That's all for lines, but I will tell you that Dinky's going to be there, as well as a never-before-seen special guest!

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