• Published 25th Apr 2012
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Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human - pjabrony



Serveral years after the events of "Lyra's Human," Derpy Hooves meets a human of her own.

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101: So Sweet and Derpy

Karyn was still a little tired from being woken up early, but the bright colors of Equestria were bringing her to full awareness. In any case, she didn’t have to make much effort as Derpy led the way.

“Did you actually hear from them?”

“No. Lyra just sent me a letter saying they would be back this morning and that if I wanted to swing by to pick up the second bag of spells, they would be available.”

A picture of Lyra and her human spending the time together emerged into Karyn’s head. “I hope they had fun.”

“I’m sure they did. Who wouldn’t love a honeymoon?”

They reached the house and Derpy knocked on the door. Lyra emerged right after expecting them.

“Hi, guys. You know, I never thanked you properly.”

“It didn’t cost us anything.”

“I wasn’t talking about the honeymoon.” Lyra was serious. Ducking back into the house, she floated over the saddlebag. “Do you need me to help you carry it?”

“No, it’s not nearly as heavy as my mailbag.”

“So who’s going with you guys today?”

Karyn, now fully aware, remembered why she was so anxious about that day. “It’s the visit we were supposed to have before we got caught up with you. It’s Pinkie Pie.”

“Ah. You want me to ask Hank to head up to the clock tower again and be in a bad mood?”

Karyn laughed at that, but she almost wanted to say yes.

They bade Lyra adieu and headed away. “Are we picking up Pinkie at Sugar Cube Corner? Or is she somewhere else? Hiding and watching us from unknown pockets in the fabric of space-time?”

“Yes, she’s at the bakery.”

“Good, then I can at least get another sweet before she destroys the universe.”

Derpy rolled her eyes and trotted on.

The morning was cool and Karyn was fully awakened by the brisk air that blew up her nostrils. “Why did we have to get here so early?”

“Lyra said it was the only time she had free. I gather that they got back late last night, and when you’ve been away from the house all week, chores tend to pile up.”

“I guess that’s true, but even if I were to drag my feet, Pinkie Pie would have plenty of time on Earth to wreak whatever it is she’s planning. So let’s get there.”

Derpy, who was more skeptical than Karyn of Pinkie’s potential, led her down the road to Sugar Cube Corner. The events followed the same pattern as last time. Karyn did get her treat, Pinkie greeted them the same way, and they continued on their journey to the clock tower. Despite giving Lyra a non-answer, she still secretly hoped for there to be someone at the top to stop them. But it was not to be.

Karyn went through the instructions for using the spell, and Pinkie Pie, whatever her powers, was awed at having unicorn magic in the palm of her hoof.

“Once we get there, be sure to use the invisibility spell right away. It’s not good if other humans see you. Plus my landlady likes to be snoopy, so watch out for her.”

“Why can’t I use the invisibility spell here and then go to Earth with you?”

Karyn was taken aback. “That’s normally what Derpy does, but she’s more adept at switching when she can’t see her own hoof. Everypony else likes to do it the other way.”

“I’m sure I can handle it. Better safe than sorry, right?”

Though still in doubt about Pinkie’s sincerity, she mounted Derpy and prepared for the trip. Back on Earth, she entered the apartment and saw Pinkie and Derpy come back into her vision.

“Now, again—“

“Oh!” Pinkie interrupted. “I completely forgot from last time! I was supposed to Pinkie promise not to cause trouble on Earth.”

“I thought you did, but I guess that doesn’t carry over.”

“No, I think I tried to get out of it.”

“Great, and now you’re already here. Do your worst.”

Pinkie sat on her haunches and raised a hoof. “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye. I will make every effort to avoid detection of Equestria, ponies, and myself, so as to keep Earth more or less how I found it.”

“Are you qualifying it because you want to get out of it?” Derpy asked. “Or just to be safe? Because I can’t stress enough how much this means to Karyn.”

“I’m honestly going to try to be good. I’d prefer it if you didn’t just lock me away in this apartment just browsing the Internet and watching videos, but when we go out, I’ll stay invisible and not mess up unless somepony or some human or something forces me.”

“I think that’s the most we can ask for.”

Karyn stood up. “I’m inclined to agree. But how do you know about the Internet? Did Derpy tell you?”

Pinkie grinned. “When you’ve got a Pinkie sense, and millions of people are making reference to you, you tend to know these things.”

“All right.” They got set to head back out into the street. Although they were only there a few minutes, Derpy had removed her saddlebag to stretch out. Karyn helped her put it back on, which Derpy appreciated, though she could do it herself in a pinch. As she did, she noticed something odd with Pinkie’s.

“Are you wearing two saddlebags?”

“Yes I am!” Pinkie sounded as if she was expecting the question. “The other one is the one that has all your spells in it.”

“No, but what’s the other one have?”

“I just told you!”

“I meant…never mind.” Karyn gave up, but noticed something even more odd about Pinkie’s saddlebag. No matter how much she bounced or jerked around, which was a significant amount, the saddlebag always seemed to stay in place, or at least maintain a level balance. It reminded her of some of the outdated video blue- and green-screen effects when not used properly.

“All right! Let’s go and meet the humans!” Pinkie Pie went invisible and said, “Funny, feels almost like I’ve said that before. Oh, well, I’m sure it doesn’t matter.”

Not wanting to explore the latest mystery, Karyn opened the door and gave the ponies time to get out before she followed.

As they walked toward the town, Karyn reflected that they hadn’t picked an activity. Nothing seemed to fit Pinkie’s personality quite the way it had for Rainbow or Fluttershy or Rarity. But she feared asking Pinkie what she wanted to do.

“Derpy, do you have anything you’d like to do?”

“Oh, you know if it was me, I’d be content just to sit around or go to the movies. How about that, Pinkie? Sit still for two hours while you absorb some culture?”

“Have you even met me?” asked Pinkie.

“Come on! We could see a real artsy film that’s in black and white. Ooh, or one with subtitles!”

“Blecch!”

“Derpy, stop making fun of her,” said Karyn. “Seriously, what would you like to do?”

“I don’t know. I figured that Pinkie would have broken her promise and wrecked the world by now.”

“I thought you were on her side!”

“No, I’m just less concerned about it. You’re worried about the whole world, but I’m only worried about you.” Before Karyn could respond, Derpy thought of something else. “Hey, does your Bluetooth thing work with two ponies?”

“If it didn’t, we would have been caught long before now. Yeah, everyone will just think I’m on a conference call. Of course, if we have a human guest, then I don’t even need that.”

“Oh, my gosh! We didn’t even get a human guest this week! Oh, Pinkie, I’m so sorry. Normally now we have a human waiting to meet everypony as they come, but we didn’t for you. Karyn, why didn’t you think of that?”

“It’s OK.” Pinkie’s tone of voice seemed to say that it really was. “I’d rather hang out where a bunch of humans are, even if I don’t get to be up close and personal with one.”

“Let’s go to the center of town. We can at least be in among humans there.”

“I think we’re heading there anyway. Could be a random choice of direction or Pinkie Pie subtly maneuvering my feet for me.”

They headed downtown, and while the other ponies they had taken there had eyes for the tall buildings or the art, Pinkie was all about the people. “I can’t believe how many there are! Are all the people on Earth here?”

“Oh, no. There are billions of them.”

“Billions?” Pinkie said the word in the same way that a person might say it when told the amount of their lottery winnings.

“It’s true,” said Derpy. “I found it hard to believe when I looked it up on the Internet the first time, but yeah, that many. There’s no way you could see them all, though.”

“Give me time…and space, and several other dimensions. But there is something I definitely want to see.”

“What’s that?”

“A bakery! Or whatever equivalent you have here. I don’t know if you have the same kind of place like we do with Sugar Cube Corner, but if there’s anything close…”

“We have bakeries.” Karyn pulled out her phone. “And I think they’re pretty close to Sugar Cube Corner. No foals hanging around making you dump flour on your head, though.”

For the first time, Pinkie was caught short. “Huh? Oh, like I had to do for Pound and Pumpkin all those years ago. Hah! That was a cool memory to bring up. I like you, Karyn!”

While Pinkie gushed her praise, Karyn had looked up bakeries on her phone. “This place is close, but it’s more of a cupcake place. One of those frou-frou things that just popped up to take advantage of a trend. They’ll probably go out of business as soon as people get tired of red velvet.”

Derpy said, “What do you mean? That’s more what Rarity would be looking for.”

“I’ll explain later,” said Pinkie.

“Here we go, this is an Italian bakery. That’s a country here on Earth, and they’re known for good baking as well as not being too uptight. That’s stereotyping, but whatever.”

They walked through the town, though it took longer than it normally would to reach the bakery since Pinkie stopped every few feet to admire someone’s clothes or the way a baby laughed or two teenagers engaged in a public display of affection. But they reached it soon enough and, as they prepared to enter, Karyn heard Pinkie stop once more and fiddle with her bag.

“Now’s the moment I’ve been waiting for!” she said as Karyn led her down an alley. Although the bag itself remained invisible, Karyn could see the line where its flap was as she brought out a box and set it on the ground. It was tied with baker’s string in a pattern of red and white stripes.

“What’s in there?” asked Derpy.

“Baked goods, of course! “I knew I wanted to make something special to share with all the humans!”

Derpy’s curiosity was piqued. “What kind, exactly?”

“Oh, I’ve got…” It sounded like Pinkie was going to break into song, and Karyn kept an eye out for prying ears, but instead Pinkie just recited a list. “…apfelstrudel, baklava, cookies and devil’s food, éclairs, financiers, gateau, and heavy cake, ice cream and jelly pies and kringle and ladyfingers…and that’s where I stopped.”

Derpy had picked up that Pinkie was working her way through the alphabet, but her face fell as Pinkie apparently hadn’t reached the letter that might have given her her favorite treat.

“Don’t worry, though. I’ve got a whole M-list planned for when I get back.”

“So exactly what is your plan for these?” asked Karyn.

“Well, as much as I’d like to just open the box and pass them out in the bakery, that’s obviously not going to work out.”

“All right, good.”

“Because then they would see me. You’ll have to go ahead and pass them around.”

Karyn facepalmed. “No, this was why I wanted to check your plan first. You can’t have me do that either.”

“Why not?”

“Put it this way. How would you feel if somepony else decided to give away pastries right in the middle of Sugar Cube Corner?”

Pinkie breathed in sharply as she contemplated it. “That would be awesome! I could eat somepony else’s pastries, maybe some I’ve never had!”

“OK, rephrase. How would the Cakes feel about it?”

“You may have a point. But I don’t want them to go to waste.”

Though invisible, Karyn and Derpy could sense Pinkie’s puss-face. “Couldn’t we give them out somewhere else?” asked Derpy.

“That’s the best thing for it. There’s a long stretch of elevated grass in the square. I’ll set up on the concrete railing at the edge.”

Pinkie poked her head out and saw the spot Karyn had mentioned. “It’s not the ideal spot to get noticed.”

“I know, but I’m a little ambivalent about being a public spectacle myself.”

“But it’s so fun!”

“Everyone’s different,” said Derpy. “Would you make Fluttershy give out treats in public to humans?”

“No. But there’s a bigger problem as well.”

“What’s that?”

“If we’re not in the bakery, how am I going to get to sample any of what they’ve got?”

Karyn rolled her eyes. “I’ll go in and get you something nice. Just wait here because there isn’t a whole lot of room in front of the counter. It’s a small store; most of the space goes to baking.”

She came out a few minutes later with a small box. Pinkie insisted that they set up their giveaway, so Karyn tore off the top off the box and wrote, “free, take one” on it. Once it was leaning against Pinkie’s box, she turned her attention to the new one.

“Ooh, what are these?” Pinkie’s saliva turned visible as she drooled into the grass.

“Cannoli. I think they’ll be up your alley, since they use ricotta, which is vaguely like mascarpone.”

Contrary to what Karyn expected, Pinkie didn’t gobble the cannolo down at once, but instead licked at the cream. “It’s good! They’ve really sweetened up the cheese with cinnamon and allspice and sugar! And there’s chocolate chips in it too.”

“Can I have one?” asked Derpy.

“Yes, but just one now.” Karyn checked the box. “I got half a dozen, two for each of us, but they’re very fattening.”

“Doesn’t matter to me!” Pinkie now bit hers in half. “It’s good with the crunchy pastry too, but yeah, it would be better with mascarpone.”

“That’s another pet peeve of mine. You’re saying it wrong. The e isn’t silent.”

“I beg pardon?” Karyn turned to her right to see a middle-aged lady hovering over the box of pastries.

“Oh, sorry. Would you like one?”

“Thank you! Is this for a new bakery?”

Karyn came up short. She chided herself for not realizing that people would think it was an advertising stunt. “Well, that depends on whether you enjoy them or not.”

The lady took an éclair. Holding her hand to her chin to make sure no cream dripped on her blouse, she nibbled. “That’s…delicious. That’s the best thing I’ve ever eaten!” She shoved the éclair into her face, no longer caring about making a mess. With custard on her face, she ran off.

“Say…Pinkie?” asked Derpy.

“Yes?”

“You made all these yourself, right?”

“With my own hooves!”

“And they’re just regular pastries, right?”

“What do you mean, Derpy?” asked Karyn. “Does Pinkie make non-regular pastries?”

“Sometimes I like to get creative,” Pinkie said, eying the rest of the cannoli, “but these are perfectly safe. The worst thing they’ll do it turn your head into a balloon or make you dissolve into sugar, but both of those feel good!”

“What?!” Karyn wondered if she should race after the woman with the éclair or get rid of the rest of the sweets, but before she could, Pinkie’s laughter rang out.

“Gotcha!” she said. “They won’t do anything like that.”

Derpy chimed in. “Not after you made the Pinkie promise, anyway.”

“You’re right. Given the chance to make a little mischief, I might have done that. But I didn’t. Next time, maybe.”

Other people, perhaps spurred by the woman’s greedy devouring of the éclair, stopped by Karyn’s sitting place to sample the pastries. They all thanked her and all seemed to be enjoying what they had, but happily for Karyn no one else asked where they could get more.

“Are you sure you didn’t put anything in those cupcakes and such that shouldn’t have been in there?”

“I put in some love and hard work, but other than that, no.”

“Is something wrong?” asked Derpy.

“I just haven’t seen anyone so happy just from eating a regular pastry like that.”

“Let’s head back and I’ll try to explain.” Pinkie got up and Karyn could hear her bouncy step as she followed back the way they had come. “In the first place, everyone likes getting something for free. And when it’s a tasty treat that they can tell has been crafted to give them the best eating experience, there’s no reason that it wouldn’t make someone feel as good as they can.”

“Now that makes me wish I had gotten one before they were all gone.”

“Oh, you get to eat one that’s much better?”

Karyn brightened up. “Oh, you made more?”

“No, but that’s not what I meant. When you have your cannoli later on—“

“Cannolo. Cannoli is plural.”

“Oh, OK. When you eat it, you’ll get to taste yours plus mine plus Derpy’s. Because when you give something away, it comes back to you doubled, and everything tastes better.”

Karyn wasn’t sure if Pinkie was talking about sweets specifically, or if she was trying to articulate some grand scheme for spreading happiness throughout the world.

“So, why do you have to be so selfish, Karyn?”

“Huh? Derpy, what do you mean?”

“Well, Pinkie said yours will taste better because you got one for me. Why didn’t be unselfish and let me buy you one, that way I could have the good taste!”

Karyn thought about pointing out that it would be more selfish to eat what was given to you, but decided to answer in a more Derpy way.

“Actually, I’m being even more unselfish, because I’m letting you pass the benefits of having the better-tasting food onto a friend. That being such an unselfish thing to do, you’re sure to be rewarded for it.”

“Oh! I get it! So by giving me a gift you’re really giving me a gift.”

Pinkie laughed. “Derpy, we should be closer friends. I bet I could make you smile like that more often.”

“How do you know I’m smiling when you can’t see me?”

“I’m Pinkie Pie, duh! And that’s really why I wanted to come to Earth and see as many humans as I can. I just got a whole new pile of smiles for my collection.”

Neither Karyn nor Derpy knew if she was again being metaphorical or if somehow the smiles of the people she met were somehow captured in her own personal magic. But Derpy did say, “I would like to be a better friend with you.”

They reached the apartment, and Pinkie got to take off her invisibility spell. “Well, it was fun, but I’m really itching to get back home.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah! I haven’t sung or danced for hours! I’m going to have to run a full-orchestra show-stopping number that goes across half of Equestria just to make up for lost time and music! See ya!”

And with a twist of a hoof, she was gone.

Karyn let out a breath that she didn’t know she was holding in.

“Was it really that troubling to have Pinkie here?” asked Derpy. “She didn’t do anything too bad, and over the course of the day you should have learned to trust her.”

“It’s not that. I think I did develop trust throughout the day. But spending time with Pinkie isn’t relaxing. It’s fun, but only in an exciting way, like riding a roller coaster. It’s plenty of fun, and you might do it again, but at the same time, once you get off, you’re shaking.”

“You know, I think you’re right.” Derpy let out a sigh of her own, and rolled on the bed.

“And the weird thing is, I’m more relaxed and feeling better about the whole program now than I was before. If we can handle Pinkie, we can handle anypony.”

“I guess you’re right. I’ll see you next week.”

Derpy travelled back to Equestria and settled in for the long flight home. Halfway there, she saw somepony waving, so she circled round and landed.

“Hi!”

“Hi, Derpy. Listen, I know this is an odd request, but could I be the next pony to join you for a visit on Earth?”

“I don’t see why not, but is there any particular reason?”

“Actually, there is.”

Derpy pulled out the list that she and Karyn kept. “OK, I don’t think that any of these other ponies have any pressing need. You can be next, Bon-bon.”

Author's Note:

Now that you know who the guest for next week is, let's see some of what will happen!


“I know, I messed up your schedule a little,” said Bon-bon. “But it’s in a good cause. At least, I think so.”

Derpy explained what Bon-bon had told her, and Karyn agreed that it was good enough reason to bump her up. “By the way, do we have a human guest coming?”

“We do. He’ll be here in around an hour. If he’s on time.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“How does she fly?”

“It’s magic. I wondered the same thing. The aerodynamics don’t work.”

“Oh,” he said, and he turned back to Bon-bon.


And now you have another mysterious guest to think about. Come back next week and all will be revealed!

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