The Chat
Canterlot's narrow Eighteenth Street was filled to the brim with pastel ponies, trotting shoulder to shoulder over the cobbled road. Their hooves clacked against the light-gray stones, producing an endless cacophony that polluted the air. Alongside this noise pollution was a dark blanket of clouds that hung overhead. It was supposed to rain in about an hour, if the rumors were true. A number of ponies, all of varying age, were gossiping about whatever the current trend was this month. Only a sliver of space was set aside on the road's sidewalks, where some ponies would rest against the walls of the rows of buildings that seemed to stretch on for an eternity, but most ponies were just trotting along and looking ahead.
Some of them, however, pointed at a mare pressing her weight against the brick walls of a pub, newspaper in hoof. Her body was covered in a tight, blue and yellow uniform. A pair of goggles that shimmered under the sunlight and a fiery mane and tail only served to draw the eyes of those who caught a glimpse of her. Some of them even paused to get a longer look, only to be pushed by the pony behind them and keep on moving. It wasn't ideal for blending in a crowd, but she just got back from a show and just couldn't be bothered to take it off yet. She watched the ponies all trot by with wide smiles, a stark contrast to her blank expression, and she'd shiver ever so slightly when these precise words pierced her ears.
"Look! It's Spitfire! She's one of the coolest, greatest Wonderbolts of all time!"
Spitfire's heart sank a little whenever she heard anything like that. Those words of praise were all lies as far as she knew, and her mind kept convincing her they were false compliments. So what if she just finished yet another perfect show? She couldn't catch a falling fashionista or stop a demon, two failures that latched onto her mind like parasites, leeching away memories of the many accomplishments to her name. Ergo, she couldn't be cool or great. That was only the icing on the cake as far as she was concerned, as there was a much larger hole in her soul that never ceased chewing on her. One that made her feel more like an outcast.
Spitfire believed that she had no friends.
Why would she have friends? Soarin was likely still bitter about that misunderstanding a while ago at the Equestria Games tryouts. Rainbow Dash had to think of her as the most disappointing pony in all of Equestria. Spitfire's shoulders sagged and she let out a deep sigh. Her shimmering eyes were shielded by her goggles, hiding her angst from those that trotted by. It was like her whole life was a lie. Was it a lie? Perhaps.
Spitfire gazed at the newspaper in her hoof and opened it to the top stories page. Her eyes shifted from left to right, scanning the headlines that leaped out of the page, all with photography that ranged from crisp to a mere blur. She started at the first, and largest typed, headline.
Does Fleur de Lis Dye Her Mane?
Spitfire rolled her eyes and let out a deep sigh. Of all the things happening within Equestria's borders, the newspapers had to focus on that? That was the job of the tabloids, not the newspaper. However, it was to be expected, as the eyes of Canterlot's ponies were always pointed at somepony else. Turning the page, Spitfire scanned the following headlines, all in a small font size, just large enough to be seen without a microscope.
Appleoosa Reconstruction Efforts Proving Difficult
Anonymous Ponyville Citizen Complains About New Castle
Princess Twilight Sparkle Signs Deal with Griffon Kingdom
Prince Blueblood Offends Changeling Delegates
Wonderbolts Save Dodge Junction
Spitfire's face became a little more radiant as she read the different headlines. She pushed off of the brick wall of the pub and stood up straight, reading further and further down the newspaper. Pausing on occasion to make a mental note of the different political and socioeconomic affairs that she thought were important to know about, Spitfire made her way down to the fifth and last article after ten minutes of reading. She read the article's title once more, and her heart rate picked up. She grimaced. That mission was a resounding success, so there couldn't possibly be any slander, right?
"The humble town of Dodge Junction was saved by none other than the Wonderbolts, who stopped a rampaging hydra that found its way to the desert town."
It seemed straightforward to her so far, as it was just stating what happened. But this was an article pertaining to herself, and her throat kept tightening the longer she stared at the title. Taking a deep breath, Spitfire read further down the article. Her name was mentioned a few times, along with a few other Wonderbolts, but her eyes widened and her legs tensed up when she got close to the article's concluding lines.
"One of the Wonderbolts, Soarin, had this to say about Captain Spitfire:"
Spitfire slammed the newspaper shut and stuffed it inside of her saddlebag, which rested on the wall next to her. Whatever was said couldn't have been good. She hoisted the saddlebag up without a second thought and galloped towards the entrance of the pub. Her throat felt drier the more she thought about that article. A drink would be able to help, if only a little. Opening the brown, oak door, Spitfire made her way to the entrance of the pub, a bell's chime ringing in her ear the moment she stepped inside. Soarin probably wouldn't be inside or even go there, so there was that.
A faint, cool breeze circulated around the room. Spitfire took a deep breath, a fresh scent entering her nostrils and soothing her soul, and then exhaled. Her body loosened as she stood in the confines of the pub. Looking around, she stared at the stools, chairs, tables, and couches that adorned the area. Candles, all lit and flickering, provided some additional light for the pub. Some copies of large paintings adorned the walls, giving the pub a more posh atmosphere, though the refrigerator with the large dings in its door behind the bar desk seemed to suggest otherwise. A few ponies trotted around, some of whom were sober and others were waddling around and bumping into tables at times, while others sat down and chugged down their drinks. Spitfire gazed at the ponies that occupied the area, but only for a few seconds. She didn't recognize any of them, and that caused her lips to curl into a smile.
Spitfire trotted into the pub's main room, glancing at the open chairs and couches, before freezing and focusing on an unoccupied couch. It had red cushions, like all of the couches, and was connected to the outer walls of the pub. Nodding, Spitfire made her way to the couch and fell onto the plush cushions, letting her body sink into them. Smirking as she let herself sink further into the cushions' comfort, Spitfire then stretched her body, letting all of her muscles loosen. She then straightened herself out, crossed her legs, and stared at her own reflection in the table's glistening sheen. In an instant, her smile curled itself into a slight frown and her shoulders sagged once again. This wasn't going to be enough.
"Why am I even trying?" Spitfire asked herself, just quiet enough for nopony to hear her. "I wish I could be somepony, but I'm not. Whenever Princess Twilight Sparkle or Rainbow Dash is around, I always manage to find a way to screw up. Catching ponies, being a good pony, stopping a savage demon and saving Soarin, Blaze, and Fleetfoot. I can't do anything right." Spitfire let out a sigh and placed her forelegs on the table, her body sulking. "Maybe if I was Princess Twilight Sparkle for one day, just one day, I could learn what it feels like to be somepony. I could learn what it's like to be the big hero that I wished I was. I could learn what it's like to be a nice pony." Spitfire's goggles clouded up a bit. She took them off and cleaned them, rubbing away the tears before putting them back on. "I could learn what it's like to have friends."
Maybe that was the wrong way to think about things. She needed to let somepony know how she felt, but who would listen to her? Soarin likely wouldn't as far as she knew, and neither would Fleetfoot. Misty Fly would probably listen to her, but she promised to help Amethyst Star once the show ended and wouldn't be available until tomorrow morning. Would any of the Wonderbolts listen or be available? Spitfire needed help now, as the sharpness in her chest was too intense to just let it linger inside of her. But her options were running low. Was she doomed to sit under a storm cloud for her entire life? There had to be a solution out there somewhere, but where could she go? If there was one pony she could talk to, somepony who would understand her and let her express everything inside of her, she wished they would show up at the pub and sit next to her. It didn't matter if she met that pony or not, she needed somepony to help her. Spitfire closed her eyes and her face became devoid of emotion as she remained as still as a statue.
A bell chimed. Spitfire opened her eyes and glanced at the front door, where a lavender alicorn with slightly bloodshot eyes stood. Her face grimaced and her shoulders drooped. Trotting up to the front desk of the pub, she leaned on the desk and gritted her teeth, her cheeks turning a bright red.
A beige unicorn stallion with a handlebar mustache, presumably the bartender, trotted up to the alicorn. He tilted his head and raised an eyebrow, gazing at the alicorn as his jaw dropped down lower and lower. "P-Princess Twilight Sparkle?" the unicorn asked as his body shook. "It's such a shock to see you here." The bartender adjusted the polka dot tie he wore and smiled. "Please make yourself comfortable."
"I could use some comfort right about now," Twilight said in an agitated tone. Spitfire tilted her head as she watched the scene unfold. This wasn't the Princess Twilight she was expecting, so was something going on? "What is the best place to sit?"
"The couches, your highness."
Twilight meandered away from the desk with a deep frown on her face. "Thank you." Twilight let out a deep sigh and stretched her regal wings. She trotted over to Spitfire with furrowed eyebrows and collapsed onto the cushion right next to her, letting out a loud groan as she sprawled on the couch.
Spitfire looked down at Twilight with a look of bemusement on her face. "Um, can I help you?" she asked in an innocent tone. Was that the proper thing to ask? Spitfire bit her lip and her breathing quickened.
"I wish somepony could," said Twilight. "But all of this is getting too much for me!" She sighed, straightened herself out and stared at her reflection in the table. "Sorry for yelling, but I'm not exactly in a good mood right now." As her eyes shimmered, Twilight then turned to Spitfire, squirmed for a moment, and placed her hoof on her chest. "I hope I didn't offend you. I'm so sorry if I did."
"No need to apologize," said Spitfire. As she stared into Twilight's eyes, a warm, but indescribable feeling entered her heart. She smiled ever so slightly and leaned over towards Twilight. "I'm in a rough patch myself."
"How so?"
"Well, I feel like that I can't do anything right." Spitfire gazed at Twilight, her face despondent. "I wish I was more like you. Heck, I wish I was you, but instead I'm this useless pegasus with no friends."
Twilight placed a hoof on Spitfire's shoulder and then gazed into her eyes. "Look at the uniform you're wearing. Nopony who's useless would be wearing that." Twilight then placed her other hoof on her muzzle and rubbed it. "Hmm. I remember now." Her lips then formed a wider smile and she nodded. "You're Spitfire, Captain of the Wonderbolts."
Spitfire nodded. "Exactly."
"I'm curious. What brings you here?" Twilight stretched her forelegs and leaned on the table.
"I needed a drink. Is that why you're here as well?"
Twilight nodded. "Yeah, life has been tough for me lately." She rolled her eyes and groaned. "It always feels like bad or annoying circumstances keep on piling up." Twilight furrowed her eyebrows and scrunched her face.
Spitfire gave Twilight a quizzical look. "Do you mind letting me know what's going on?"
"You know that big structure that grew from the ground in Ponyville about two weeks ago?"
"Are you talking about the Crystal Castle?"
"Precisely." Twilight rubbed her eyes and stretched her body. "The problem is that I can't get any sleep in it because it just feels so disconcerting, but that's not the only issue I have." Twilight's left eye twitched and she gritted her teeth for a moment. "It's something that can't be fixed."
Spitfire placed her hoof on her chest. "You mean you lost some valuable books?"
"Exactly, and they're lost forever." Twilight buried her head into her forelegs and groaned. "Turned into ashes! All that knowledge, the memories of Golden Oaks Library, everything that was in there is gone forever! And I need one of those books!"
Spitfire looked down at Twilight and felt a sharp pain pierce her heart. As she stared at Twilight, Spitfire felt something inside of her. It was as though she could see herself in the exact same position as Twilight. Was she closer to Twilight than she had ever imagined? But she had all of those amazing accomplishments where she always beat the odds, while she could never hope to reach her level. Still, Twilight's predicament produced the same melancholy her own did, and it caused her to unconsciously tap Twilight's shoulder in a gentle manner.
"I'm so sorry that happened to you," Spitfire said in a motherly tone. "If it's okay to ask, what were you working on?"
Twilight turned her head to where she could see Spitfire. Her eyes sparkled and had bags under them. "I was trying to solve the mystery of dimensional portals, but one of the best books on it, of which very few exist, was destroyed."
"Do you know of anypony else that might have it?"
Twilight sighed and rubbed the table with her hoof. "That's the problem. I don't know anypony with the book."
Spitfire rubbed her muzzle and closed her eyes. She then opened them up once more and stared at Twilight. "You could always ask for a donation."
"I guess, but I don't think it will be easy." Twilight's body froze for just a brief moment. "Still, I wish Golden Oaks Library didn't have to go away, even if my books survived." She clenched her teeth and growled. "Why did that have to happen?"
"I don't know, but I wish I could have visited Golden Oaks Library." Spitfire's shoulders sagged, her face brooding. "There must have been some amazing books in there that I would have loved to read."
Twilight lifted her head back up and gazed at Spitfire. "I wish you could have as well. We could have had a nice symposium and discussed knowledge, literature, and all sorts of amazing things."
"Well, know that I'll join you in mourning the loss of such a great library."
"Thank you, Spitfire." Twilight's eyes shimmered and she wiped some tears from her irritated eyes. "It really means a lot to me."
Spitfire's heart warmed up. Helping a pony she admired lifted her spirits to the point of a little bliss. Maybe she wasn't as terrible as she thought. Maybe she's only awful most of the time. "You're welcome."
The unicorn stallion from before then approached Twilight and Spitfire. He adjusted his tie, twirled his mustache, and lifted a notepad in front of his face. "So what can I get you?" he asked.
"Apple cider, please," Twilight said. She then licked her lips.
"I'll just have a lemonade, please," said Spitfire.
The unicorn nodded and galloped away from the pair. Making his way to the refrigerator behind the bar desk, he opened it up wide, pulled out two bottles, and rushed back to the two mares. Both bottles were shaped exactly the same, only one was labeled "Lemonade" and the other was labeled "Apple Cider".
"Enjoy," said the stallion, who then leaped out of the way and galloped back to the far end of the bar desk. Spitfire and Twilight both raised a solitary eyebrow and peered at the unicorn before looking at each other.
As Spitfire stared into Twilight's eyes, a tingling feeling formed in the back of her mind. There was something about Twilight that gave her a feeling of camaraderie, but they barely knew each other. This was the first time she'd had a face to face conversation with Twilight, so why did she feel this way? Was it something about her personality? Maybe it was her known love for knowledge, as Spitfire knew she could resonate with that. Whatever it was, Spitfire couldn't shake the feeling, no matter what she tried.
"So, do you mind me asking why you're feeling the way you are?" Twilight inquired in a smooth tone of voice. Spitfire shifted her eyes around. "Don't worry, I won't tease you, so feel free to tell me anything that's on your mind."
Spitfire sighed. She looked back to the table and stared into her crestfallen reflection, the words weak, hateful, and lonely swirling in her mind like a tornado of negativity. There had to be something positive about her. Anything. But as she stared at the reflection in the table's lustrous sheen, nothing came up. She then looked back at Twilight, her lips curled into a slight, warm smile.
"I'm an awful pony," Spitfire said in a deep tone with a bleak expression. "I'm weak and mean, and it makes me depressed. I've been holding my feelings inside of me for too long, and I regret doing so."
"At least you're telling somepony now," said Twilight. "Letting somepony know about your feelings can be tough for anypony, so while it wasn't the best decision, I understand why you acted the way you did." Twilight placed her hoof on Spitfire's and grasped it. It felt like her hoof was wrapped by a soft scarf. "How long have you been feeling this way?"
"It started around eight months ago. It was directly after the Best Young Fliers Competition, a moment still vivid in my mind until, um, you know. It got a lot worse after the Equestria Games tryouts, even worse after the Equestria Games, and reached its worst point after the Tirek incident. I remember those events, and I feel like that I can never do anything right."
Twilight rubbed her muzzle for a moment before placing her hoof back down on the table. "Wait a second, didn't you win your event and post the second fastest lap time of everypony in that competition?"
"I did, but I still looked like an idiot almost losing like that."
"You didn't look like an idiot. Heck, you were one of the best out there. It's just, well, Rainbow Dash's performance can be a little overwhelming."
Nodding, Spitfire's lips curled into a slight smile. "She's unrealistically fast, I'll give you that." Her smile then faded away. "I wish she was still passionate about the Wonderbolts. She'd be a great pony to work with, especially considering how much she has matured."
"Maybe Rainbow Dash will still want to join."
Spitfire shook her head. "She wouldn't. I can tell that she doesn't like us anymore. Maybe if I was a great pony, things would be different."
"You know that's not true." Twilight tightened her grip on Spitfire's hoof. "Spitfire, you're a wonderful pony, and not just because you're a Wonderbolt."
Spitfire took her goggles off and her eyes then widened. Did the Princess Twilight Sparkle, the great prodigy, the Element of Magic, the Princess of Friendship, call her wonderful? Was this some sick joke? Time slowed down around Spitfire as no words could escape her mouth. Her throat tightened and a sensation ran down her spine, though it wasn't chilling. It felt, for some strange reason, warm and almost soothing to an extent.
"A-are you okay?" Twilight asked. "Is there something I can help you with?"
Spitfire clenched her teeth and nodded. Her vision blurred as tears cascaded down her cheeks. Why was she crying at a compliment? Was it the tingling sensation in her chest? Or was it something else? "Why do you think I'm wonderful? I need to know, because I don't think I am."
Twilight's smile grew wider. "Easy. You're intelligent like myself, you've helped Equestria and its citizens countless times, helped the ponies of Cloudsdale to safety during the plunder vine incident with the Wonderbolts, devised genius strategies that I have to admit I am going to use to train my guards, saved the Griffon Kingdom with the other Wonderbolts, and so much more! In what world is that useless?"
Spitfire remained still and gazed at Twilight. Even she had to admit that her own accomplishments sounded incredible, almost unbelievable in some circumstances. But as she gazed at Twilight, those memories of accomplishments faded away in her mind like mirages and memories of failures took their place. This was Princess Twilight Sparkle in front of her, and as she recalled her achievements, Spitfire felt as though she'd keep shrinking. "You've stopped Nightmare Moon and restored Princess Luna, defeated Discord, King Sombra, the plunder vines, and Tirek, became the second pony in recorded history to become an alicorn princess, got your own giant castle, and have five powerful, loyal, kind, and generous friends. I couldn't catch a falling unicorn and got knocked out in one hit. I couldn't control a cadet to follow my plans and therefore was swiftly defeated by Tirek and Discord. I couldn't be a kind pony even if I tried." Spitfire gritted her teeth for a moment. She had to let it out, as there was no point in masking her true emotions any further. She gulped and her face became doleful. "I feel so alone and powerless."
Twilight tilted her head. "Powerless?"
"Do you want to know why I always strive to win? It's because I try to mask my previous shortcomings. I want my failures to be brushed aside, so I try to win and do the absolute best in everything I can. If I lose, I'm just reminded of why I'm not a good pony."
"Win or lose, you're still a good pony." Twilight patted Spitfire on the shoulder, each tap feeling soft and somewhat soothing to an extent. "The important thing is the second part of what you said. You do the best you can."
Spitfire closed her eyes, the waterfall of tears raining down even harder than before. "B-but if I lose, everypony will just think I always fail." She took a deep breath and her chest tightened. "You know how judgmental some ponies can be. I-I just, I can't live like this anymore!" The tears running down her eyes became a monsoon and her vision was just a blur of colors. "I always have to act confident so that nopony makes fun of me! I want to be a great pony, but even if I become a Wonderbolt, I can't! Please help me, Princess Twilight Sparkle! I can't hold this in much longer!" She winced, her face dejected. But as her eyes were tightly shut, she felt something warm and comfortable constrict her body. It had a magical feeling to it, one that eased her emotional pains. The tears slowed down, her body straightened out, and she opened her eyes.
There was Twilight Sparkle, wrapping her forelegs around her in a hug. Spitfire felt her heartstrings being tugged, and she then responded by hugging Twilight back.
"So what if things don't always work out? So what if somepony teases you?" Twilight asked in a serene tone. "I've made mistakes, I've been teased, and I still have feelings of doubt, so I know what it's like. Just keep your head held up high, and I promise that everything will be okay in the end."
"Thank you for the sympathies," said Spitfire, wiping away the tears. "Thank you very much." The two then released each other from their hug. Spitfire stared at Twilight once more, and as Twilight's smile grew, her smile grew as well.
"You're welcome." Twilight rubbed her mane and adjusted her posture. "I just remembered that I wanted to tell you something."
Spitfire leaned closer to Twilight and her ears pointed towards her. "What is it?"
"You know how you said you wished you were rather me?" Spitfire nodded. "Well, it's actually a lot tougher on me than I make it look."
"I guess so, but what do you mean by that?"
Twilight's shoulders sagged and she sulked. "I'm afraid of the future."
"Me too."
"My fears are a little different." Twilight twitched a little and she rubbed the back of her neck. "Well, you know how I'm always being connected to destiny and all sorts of phenomena, right?"
"Of course." Spitfire's eyes widened and something clicked in her mind. "Wait, does this have to do with those not a part of these destinies?"
"Precisely. See, when the Tirek incident happened, I was almost convinced that my big brother, among many others, had perished." Twilight wiped her eyes and shuddered. "When I saw the visions of everypony about to get their magic back, I thought I was watching the aftermath of a slaughter." She took a deep breath and wiped her shimmering eyes once again. "I was so relieved he and everypony else were still alive. But now I'm concerned that the next big threat will actually kill him. Not just my big brother, but so many others. I know my five closest friends will be okay, but they might lose somepony close to them from a villain as well, and that scares me just as much."
"Well, um, do you know of any future prophecies?"
"Not yet, and that's what scares me the most." Twilight took a deep breath. "Spitfire, thanks for letting me talk about this."
"You're welcome, Princess Twilight Sparkle." Spitfire's lips formed a slight smile. That feeling of camaraderie in the back of her mind was now enveloping her entire mind. Was this what friendship was like? If it was, then why did it feel so familiar? A bell's chime rang into her ears and her eyes pointed towards the source of the noise. Nothing seemed too out of the ordinary, but for some reason, the air around her felt thinner. "You know, I actually wish we could become friends, but I don't know if I can."
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Why couldn't we? You don't have to be one of the Element Bearers to be my friend."
Spitfire tilted her head. "Huh? I was more concerned about my ability to make friends, but why did you mention that?"
"Some think that I'm only allowed to be friends with them, which goes back to the whole destiny thing, but I wanted to let you know that I can be friends with anypony."
Spitfire's eyes glowed as she leaned even closer to Twilight. "You won't get mad or be disappointed if I make a mistake?"
"Of course she won't!" a familiar voice shouted off in the distance. Spitfire's legs tensed and she clenched her teeth. She knew that voice, and it was impossible for her to deny who it belonged to. Turning to her left, Spitfire looked up at a light blue stallion, who was also covered in a Wonderbolts uniform, staring down at her with a wide grin on his face. His dark blue mane was streamlined and his green eyes glowed brighter the longer he stared at her. It was none other than Soarin.
"Spitfire, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry," Soarin said as he rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm sorry if I made you worried."
Spitfire raised an eyebrow and stared at Soarin with a look of bemusement. "What are you talking about? I should be the one apologizing about everything I did."
"You did what you thought was best for the team, and even if you might make the wrong decision from time to time, you don't do it out of spite." Soarin lifted his foreleg up and pointed at Spitfire's chest. "There's a heart of gold in you, Spitfire. You care about all of us and want us to be the best we can. I'm afraid that I wasn't clear in how much I actually appreciated your work."
"Y-you really mean that?"
"Of course. All of the Wonderbolts think you're one of the best captains ever. Misty Fly even told me about how you inspired her to become a better athlete. Fire Streak was also inspired by your determination to win. Sure, it might get out of hand at times, but for the most part, you're a great sport, and I'm proud to be flying with you."
Spitfire felt a flow of tears drip down her eyes. She wiped them and her face was more jubilant than it had ever been all day. "Thank you. I'm glad to be flying with you as well. You're a wonderful teammate."
Soarin's face became radiant as well. "Shucks! You're making me blush under my suit."
Spitfire then turned to Twilight, whose eyes were filling up with tears of her own, but her smile was beaming. "Princess Twilight Sparkle, I thank you for believing in me even though I didn't believe in myself." Spitfire then bowed to Twilight and rose back up after a few seconds. "I'll never forget this experience."
"I'm glad that we were able to chat," said Twilight.
Spitfire then rose up from the couch and stood next to Soarin. She felt something soft and somewhat comfortable wrapping over her body like a blanket. It was Soarin's wing, and Spitfire couldn't help herself from wrapping her wing around Soarin's. "Goodbye, Princess Twilight Sparkle."
"Goodbye, Spitfire. Goodbye, Soarin."
Spitfire and Soarin both waved as they trotted out of the pub and back onto the roads of Canterlot. For some reason, everything felt brighter outside than before, as the skies were clear and the birds were chirping a beautiful melody. The air was even filled with a fresh aroma that pleased the nostrils. Spitfire's heart warmed up as she took in the sights around her, and she had a great friend with her to take in the experience as well.
"One of the Wonderbolts, Soarin, had this to say about Captain Spitfire:
"She's the greatest teammate I've ever had the pleasure to work with. She's smart, kindhearted, athletic, and supports her team. She's more than just a teammate to me and the other Wonderbolts. She's a wonderful friend, and I'm glad to be working with someone like her."
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Nice story. Very well written.
5182699 Thank you. I'm glad that you enjoyed it.
I stand by what I said before. The same problems are shown in this version, in fact, it's mostly identical.
5182713 Well, I did try to apply as many of your suggestions as I could. I decided to use the original rough draft as a starting point instead of just rewriting it, which may have been a poor decision on my part. Sorry that I still haven't learned from the rough draft. Should I revoke the submission and just discard it?
5182719 You should leave it up. It's pretty well written, even despite my piles of suggested revisions.
Soarin has a giant crush on Spitfire doesn't he?
5183266 For the most part, though there was more to it than just "Rainbow Falls". The idea for this fic arose when I saw the amounts of hate she got on Derpibooru, at least from what I noticed. It gave me an idea of using some of the criticisms thrown at her and twisting them into Spitfire's own doubts and regrets.
Well I read this while livestreaming today. It was different, but I thought this was a bit of a miss for me. I think you're improving as in terms of writing style, but you liked to use a lot of repetitive phrasing and it almost seemed like some were just copied and pasted randomly. Also some of the dialogue sounded if-y, especially Twilight's. It just didn't grasp me as I thought it would.
But hey, it sometimes happens to us. I still think you've improved a lot from previous stories. Something to definitely work on is the overuse of dialogue bits such as:
It's just awkwardly placed and not necessary. Just like the rest of the ones I highlight below...
And...
And once again...
But we're not done on the awkward train. Some lines just had my head tilted to the side.
fimfiction-static.net/images/story_images/32706.png?1343395073
I couldn't stop staring at that and tripping over it. The only possibility she is an egghead is if she's just as nerdy in the terms of flying. Unless Spitfire actually likes reading reports about her cadets misadventures (or failures), then she may fit in this category. In the canon case, she definitely wouldn't fit.
Like, I'm all for this supportive Spitfire stuff. Heck, I'd write it if you told me not to. Thing is, you can't fall astray from the canon's rays. It's a bay full of things you should do so your fic does not decay. I'm rhyming again, make it stop.
Just make sure you keep at least some canon traits in tact, okay? My brain almost flew to mars on that one.
And now back on the awkward train.
This bit will go over some vernacular issues. You like to use a lot of words the same way. I'll show you which one appears the most. I even said this on the stream:
"Didn't I Just read that phrase a few moments ago?"
I got curious since this almost looks the same, just reworded slightly. Same words used.
You need to work on that word variation.
Whenever you used 'sagged', it always referred to a shoulder.
Whenever you used slight, majority of the time it referred to Spitfire's lips moving up or down.
There are plenty more of this throughout this fiction, but I'm not going to nitpick like a crazed reviewer or something.
There is one final thing. This little bit bugged me to no end.
This sentence was mentioned earlier in this comment, but I had to point it out again for how many times you used smile in less than three seconds. This could've been reworded in a much neater and professional way. I suggest rewriting the sentence, because it just dragged me down with it's awkwardness. You have a lot of those in this fiction.
Now I'm not saying this story is garbage. This story is good, solid, but it needs a lot of heavy lifting. I suggest doing those changes I suggest and possibly what 5182713 said, considering he gave you revisions.
Hmm...
This does look like a first rough draft now that I see it again...
-Soaring
5183607 Sorry that it's crap. I wish I knew how to not be so repetitive, but I'm sometimes at a loss as to what to do. I do kind of regret publishing this, as it's really bad. Do you have any tips so that my writing isn't so bland, repetitive, and awful?
5183644 Well I didn't say it was bad as you interpreted it, there are some nice bits like the bit between Soarin' and Spitfire. Plus that ending made me grin like a lad named Fin. But if you want advice, I suggest looking over your writing twice. If not, make it thrice. Sometimes even looking it over isn't enough, but I digress. In this case, just take a two for one deal and look it over a bit. You did a solid job, don't be so hard on yourself.
I loved this... I feel sorry for Twilight... Nopony was there to walk out with her...
An overall enjoyable story. I can see why your not proud of it, but the idea worked. Just needs cleaned up.
5185486 I will admit that I am hard on myself, but I'll keep trying to improve and I hope my next story will turn out better than this one did. Thanks for the support.
I like on how you've written Spitfire in this story. Usually I see a captain who goes ape$hit on Soarin for the Equestrian Games or is a self-absorbed narcissist. This is a Spitfire who feels the weight on her shoulders for her past failures. She doesn't seek revenge on anyone, but self-criticizes herself for her past failures. All leaders usually all come to face this problem, that they can't always keep a perfect image in front of their troops and when they lose that, they lose some faith in themselves.
5185906 That was what I was going for when I wrote her in this fic. Anyway, thanks for the compliments. It really means a lot, and I'll keep on improving the more I write.
I liked the premise. I can certainly see Spitfire as a team captain with a lot of insecurities and fears sometimes.
Some of the dialogue seems like it could use some cleaning up to feel more natural because I'm not sure I could imagine a realistic conversation progressing some of the ways this one did, but at the same time I can understand how the point the story was aiming for sort of shaped it into what it was.
Overall, I liked it. I thought it was a very sweet story that really touches the central theme of the show - that friendship is magic.
5186864 Thanks for the feedback.
I'll keep on trying to improve the more I write.
Before I start, I want to agree with most of the other commenters. You are too hard on yourself. There is nothing wrong with being your own harshest critic (in fact, Dean Koontz stated that he doesn't read any of his work after it's published because he will find mistakes and worry excessively over them), but you can't hate your shortcomings. I'm all about embracing what makes you different and loving your flaws, and that is what you must do to become a better writer.
First the good: You write very well. There wasn't a single grammar or punctuation error that I noticed, and the paragraphs were structurally sound. Seriously, I appreciate that last point. It gets so tiring looking over people's stories and constantly saying "That's a subject change, you need a new paragraph." I like the concept of Twilight helping someone even though she is having a rough time herself, it is just so her, and I also like the idea of Spitfire dealing with these doubts and insecurities.
The problem with this story is the execution. Honestly, if I had just happened upon this story, I would have stopped reading by the time I came to the newspaper headlines, and here is the reason why:
You could tell me Spitfire is sad because she had a fight with Soarin, and I'd believe it and keep reading. However, what you did was tell me that Spitfire is sad because she had a fight with Soarin, and then overslept, and spilled her oats all over her uniform, and locked her keys in her house and then a bird pooped on her head. Her sadness is so over the top that it isn't believable. I want to talk about the characters, and then give you my suggestions as to what I think you can do to make this a much better story.
Spitfire: As stated above, I like the idea of her being insecure. Most leaders will go through phases similar to this, and I feel like you did this part fairly well, you just tried to go too big with it. I really don't see Spitfire beating herself up over not catching Rarity. She doesn't strike me as someone who dwells on past failures. Also, I don't think that she should be bothered by nearly losing to Rainbow Dash in the Equestria Games. Rainbow has already earned her respect, Spitfire would probably have been thrilled that the race was so close. I do, however, see her brooding over her poor decision to replace Soarin in the episode Rainbow Falls. That lapse of judgment along with what Rainbow says to her would be enough to make her feel very guilty, sad, and begin to doubt her qualifications to lead.
Soarin: I love this guy, he is the only male character that I find as adorable as the mane six. He's goofy and ditzy, but good natured and caring. He's essentially a male Derpy without the clumsiness. Soarin would have forgiven Spitfire over the Rainbow Falls incident almost instantaneously, and would have done nothing to make her feel bad. In fact, I believe that he would notice the change in her, and try to talk to her about it. Maybe that was what you were thinking when you had him enter the pub to talk to her? The problem with that was it was too convenient. He just magically appeared there the moment that she most needed him, even after you stated previously that she came to the pub because she knew he wouldn't go there.
Twilight: Since the season 4 finale, I've been coming across a lot of fics that depict Twilight being depressed over the destruction of the Golden Oaks Library. Honestly, I think that that is the authors inserting their own feelings into the stories. I personally don't think that Twilight would be all that bothered by it. I know that we just saw in Trade Ya that she had lots of sentimental value in those books, but I just don't see her moping around about it. It just isn't her. Twilight is a character that picks herself up, dusts herself off, and keeps right on going. She doesn't dwell on things like this, she keeps moving forward. I did like that you mentioned her having trouble sleeping in her new castle, and although I said that she wouldn't mope about her books, I can still see her lying awake at night and thinking about them. Also, why would Twilight enter a pub? She becomes very uncomfortable when ponies start acting different around her because she is a princess, and what would happen if she entered a pub? A place where princesses don't usually frequent? It would be pandemonium. The bartender would be freaking out, the patrons would be jumping up and bowing, it would be Twilight's worst nightmare. So, where would she go in Canterlot to calm herself? Probably the library. It would be quiet, and there wouldn't be many ponies there. It's the perfect place for her to get comfortable and brood alone.
Rainbow Dash: I got very excited when the conversation turned to Rainbow, and then was immediately disappointed when it just as quickly turned away from her. Spitfire makes a comment that Dash no longer wants to join the Wonderbolts, but she is already a member of the Wonderbolt Reserves. As captain of the Wonderbolts, Spitfire must know this. Also, as I stated earlier, Spitfire now respects Rainbow, and so this would have been a great opportunity for Twilight to tell Spitfire that Rainbow has looked up to her since she was a filly. That Rainbow wants to join the Wonderbolts and be just like her. That would do wonders for Spitfire's self-esteem.
My suggestions: I think you should drop all of Spitfire's issues except for her guilt at trying to replace Soarin. Focus on that and sell it to the reader. Give us lots of details of how she now understands that it was a bad decision, and the sadness she feels at having wronged him. This will be much less overwhelming and more believable.
As I said, Soarin would know that something is wrong with Spitfire and would try to talk to her about it, and I can totally see Spitfire avoiding him out of guilt. I think the story should begin right after the show, with Spitfire evading Soarin and sneaking off into the city to be alone. You should also describe the strain on their friendship because of this.
You kind of hinted in the story that Spitfire may be a reader, so maybe you could have her go to the library. If she secretly enjoys reading, then Soarin and the others would never think to look for her there and she could be alone. It would also be a much much much more realistic place to run into Twilight. And instead of Twilight brooding over her destroyed library, have her instead be feeling out of place over some sort of royal duty she just attended in Canterlot. You can focus on how she just wants to be viewed as an equal by others, and hates having ponies bow to her all the time. This way she will be more in character and the dialogue won't feel so forced.
As for the ending, I suggest that you make the two of them inspire one another and leave the library together. Then Spitfire goes and finds Soarin and apologizes and they have their heartfelt chat. Then she can look at the newspaper and read the quote (I absolutely loved that little touch by the way).
I truly hope that you found this helpful, and that you will take the time and effort to improve this story. The concept was truly wonderful, and you approached it in a very creative way, you just took the problem too far. Tone it down and try to get the characters a bit more in-character, and this will be a nice little story.
5188107 A bit rough around the edges but there is defiantly room for improvement. Only thing that really stood out for me was the initial introduction to Spitfire's melancholy.
It's nice to see you exploring this side of what the fandom perceives to be a very confidant character, really adds another side to her. My only complaint is that you might have taken things a bit too far, she can certainly feel despondent about her failures, sure anyone would. But on the same note she an experienced mare, she should know for certain that her team mates have her back (Though recent actions during S4 may show her having a ruthless streak so maybe you could play on that, just think about how easily she was going to replace Soaring with RD). Maybe you could run something along those lines into it, maybe a plausible reason why she hasn't got friends is because she sees ponies as tools to winning and has kept herself isolated from them. It might come across as a bit sociopathic but many of the most successful people in the world frequently do exhibit similar tendencies.
It'd be redundant for me to comment on everything said so far, and all my other points have been made more coherently by other authors. Only thing I can say is that I hope you take their suggestions to heart and that I would be very interested in reading rewrite of this.
Best of luck
5249941 Thanks for looking at it and critiquing it. I'll take your suggestions and those that other people on here have given into consideration and I'll try to do a better job next time. It's not a good story, but at least I learned something from it.
5249952 it's not great but the initial premise is a rich breeding ground for possibilities. Keep at it, you could definitely make this a very nice little fireside read.
I also find it sad that everyone remembers and knows Spitfire the Wonderbolt and Twilight the Princess and Twilight the Savior but they never seem to bother to try and know Spitfire the Pegasus and Twilight the unicorn/alicorn, both of them are known for their status and accomplishments yet others never try to get to know the ponies behind those accomplishments