During a long night of crime in the infamous Gotham City, the caped crusader of crime known as Batman stumbles into an unknown portal that leads to another universe. Batman must now find his way back to Gotham City but, it won't be easy getting back if he can't survive any of the challenges that he will overcome in the world known as Equestria.
Author's Note: This is a crossover of My Little Pony, and Batman. Feel free to tell me any problems or mistakes, that I made in my fan fiction. Any concerns/questions tell me, immediately.
Chapters (6)
What version of batman?
More pls
3263508 You will figure out later in the story but, this is the Animated Series version of Batman.
3263519 You shall get more!
Oh and, thanks for the favorites guys!
326353
virginiaboecker.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/hell-yeah.gif
3263553 That's the spirit!
The story that Onomonopia made about the Dark Knight is way better than this.
3571419 Maybe, a little criticism would be good.
Can't wait to see where this gose :)
When I read the, I was listen to this part of miracle of sound's Rise
Even though this is a different batman, IT FITS SO WELL!
Ok, lets see where this goes wrong in learning.. 1. FACEING A MAIN SIX! 2. FIGHTING A GOD FUCKING DAMN MATICORE!!!!!!!
Bruce is now, gone. :(
Now...TO THE SEQUEL!!!!!
3821084 I hope you liked the sequel as well!
A pickle... Seriously bruce? *is not amused.*
He appears in a portal with no description of noise, and lands on soft grass. He's Batman so unless otherwise indicated his years of ninja training would allow him to be nearly silent. Then he emerges from the ground. He landed on the grass but then he had to emerge from the ground? What?
Why? Does he know her or something? What lights? Is the portal still there or did Twilight go to sleep with her lights on? Does her horn produce random light surges when she's dreaming?
What ruckus? Batman wouldn't make unnecessary noise unless he's hurt or in a fight or something. From your earlier description all he's done is land on soft green grass. Is he knocking on her door? Also when you call Batman a 'mysterious pony' it's not clear if you mean he is a pony or if Twilight looked out her window and saw a shape that she assumed to be a pony. Considering that she seems to still be in bed holding a pillow over her ears, and later she's surprised to see him, it seems more likely to be the former, implying this Batman is in fact a pony.
She let out a yell that was so loud and high pitched, even a tiny amount of sound from her yell (decibels measure volume not pitch) can wake up any sleeping Pony. So... did she just wake up half of Ponyville, or just her immediate neighbors?
What noise? The yell you just produced? That's literally the first bit of sound actually described in this story so far, if anyone's breaking the peace it's you Twilight.
How is Spike still asleep after you yelled so loud that it would wake up anypony that is sleeping?
Why would he show himself to her? A big part of Batman's character is that he's sneaky and is a master at hiding. You only see him if he wants you to see him.
First of all, all she's doing is lighting you up so she can see you. She's clearly not trying to amuse you. I don't think shining a light on you should really qualify as 'doing' something to you. Second, she's using magic, something unpredictable at best and deadly at worst. How is Batman not even a little on guard when he finds himself on an alien world after passing through an unknown portal and running into a local with unknown magical abilities? A normal person would be a concerned, Batman is way more paranoid than the average person. Unless he knows where he is and who he's dealing with he should be very concerned right now. I can see him putting on a poker face and acting unconcerned (this is a guy that regularly stares down the most powerful superheroes on the planet) but his internal monologue should be cataloging potential threats and preparing to defend himself should things go south. Third of all, he describes Twilight in his mind as a 'talking purple horse'. If he's a human then that makes sense, any human would notice when a normally unsentient animal starts talking. The problem is that you already described him as 'trotting' over to Twilights library and called him a 'mysterious pony'.
In fact, you described Twilight as having arms (a human traight) as well as having four hooves. Is Batman a pony and Twilight a centaur?
With his first spoken line, Batman has fundamentally destroyed this story. Batmans secret identity is his greatest weakness. He just found himself tumbling out of a portal on an unknown planet (or universe, dreamscape, timeline, virtual reality, dimension, multiverse, etc) running into a local with unknown abilities and motivations, and the first thing he does (while in full Batman uniform) is say his real name?
What.
The.
Fetlock.
Ah, I get it. This is a crack fic, meant to be funny and not taken serious. That's cool, I can enjoy funny parodys. I mean, this story up to this point is still quite disjointed, and it's missing the 'crackfic' or 'comedy' or 'parody' tags, and really it's not funny just silly (what does the jar for your pickle even mean?), but that's ok. This Batman is clearly more of a Darkwing Duck character than a Batman character.
Even though this sentence isn't properly formed (it should be something like: Twilight reacted to Bruce's introduction with a look of pure astonishment.) I think this is the best line of your story yet. It really captures the thoughts running through both your characters and your readers minds. It embodies the tone and impression of your whole story to this point.
A new species? So then he is a human and not a pony? Ok, I can accept that.
He has hooves, so then he's a pony and not a human? Cool, I can acc-Wait what!?!
Wow, he just threatened her life! Why would he do that, he's Batman! Also how could she tell anyone he's Batman? She didn't know his alter ego was called Batman until he told her just now!
It's like if a stranger in plain clothes you just met at a bus stop turns to you and says "Hey, if you value your life, don't tell anyone I'm actually a cop." Your reaction would be: "Oh you're a cop? I had no idea! Wait, why would you tell me you're a cop? If you're undercover and it's a classified assignment then shouldn't you just keep quiet? My knowing you're a cop could potentially put my life at risk, depending on what kind of work you are doing. Also, if you're a cop, are you really allowed to threaten me?" In other words: it makes zero sense.
Disgraced reputation... also the authorities would go after him because of the laws he breaks, he'd probably loose his company potentially costing thousands their jobs during a messy reorganization process, common criminals would no longer fear the legend of the Batman since he's really a rich boy in a costume so they will fight harder and potentially kill him, and his worst enemies will attack his friends and family to gain leverage or revenge on him... [sarcasm]But yeah the most important thing is to keet Bruce Wayne's reputation safe from disgrace.[/sarcasm]
Or she could have said: "I don't know who you think you are, but in Ponyville we don't threaten others lives. If you want me to keep a secret for you then you need to ask nicely. If you're smart you will wait for me to agree to keep your secret before you tell me what it is." This is a stranger that she just met. He's an alien dressed in an imposing and intimidating black cape and armour. He probably has wicked spikes on his gauntlets and intense piercing eyes. It's the middle of the night with no witnesses around. He just threatened your life. Twilight should be ready to punt this dangerous new creature off her door step and call the authorities, or at the very least become nervous. Eyes growing bigger (with empathy?) and agreeing with this alien's order (not request, order) is not an appropriate or realistic response to this situation.
How the heck does he know her name? I mean I know he's Batman, but seriously he arrived like less than 5 minutes ago!
[sarcasm]"Nah, that's not necessary at all Twilight. I'll just tell them who I am and then threaten them to keep quiet. Some ponies might value their lives, but every pony will immediately cooperate to protect my reputation from being disgraced!"[/sarcasm]
I quite like the direction your story seems to want to go. I just could not make it through the first chapter without being knocked down and pulled to the basement by an almost unlimited number of simple errors and contradictions. Please continue writing! We all need to start somewhere! This is a good rough draft, it just needs more proof reading. Consider getting some people on the site here to beta read your chapters. PM me if you'd like me to be one of them:) Thanks and I hope my feed back helps!!