With the promise of spending quality time with Sweetie Belle, Rarity goes out to the Ponyville Art Supplies to construct an artistic masterpiece for both of them to share.
To Rarity's dismay, Sweetie Belle wants to come along with her.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 20th Feb, 2013
- offline last seen Apr 20th, 2017
Gleaming
The window through which we perceive life is what defines our experience of it. We are only aware of a small fraction of what our senses pick up. We can all choose how we see the world.
Gleaming
Joined 20th Feb, 2013 ·
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Interesting...
3740346 Thanks.
Hey! I figured since you checked out my story, I thought that it would only be right if I looked at some of yours. And, suffice to say, I was not disappointed. I've always love stories about Sweetie and Rarity's relationship.
Have a favorite and a follow.
3834972 Thank you very much! It means a lot when other writers give good compliments, especially on my stories!
3834985 No problem! I'm always happy to leave a comment for a friend.
3835003 Good to hear, just to repay you back I followed you back!
3835012 Thanks!
3835015 You're welcome!
That was cute
3951137 Thank you, much obliged!
Well mate, lets see what I can do for a review then
Just one chapter at a time of course, but so far I'm liking it. I like Rarity, I like Sweetie Belle, and they both come across as sincere here. It's cute seeing Sweetie Belle take an interest in all the 'usual' things her sister likes. The offer is really the important part of it. It's true, the company you spend time in is more important than the activity. Always good and, of course, it sets a good message forward.
But as for making a masterpiece with Sweetie Belle, oh dear, I can practically smell trouble. But a Hearths Warming setting is a delightful one too. Descptively I rather like the walk past Sugar Cube Corner, it gets that bright festive feel across in the middle of a drab and dreary wintertide.
For some reason I have a bit of a love-hate feeling for the proprietor of Ponyville Arts and Crafts. He reminds me of Seinfeld's Soup-Nazi, “No Copic for you!” and it is nice seeing the more unflattering side of ponykind around too. It works as a nice mirror between shop owners, Rarity and himself.
I'm really interested to see where it goes, always up for a Rarity-Sweetie Belle story
Oh and I particularly liked the last line.
++Adeptus Grammaticus++
There is a bit of a discrepancy in the use of line breaks. I was a little surprised not to see one when Rarity returned from the Arts and Supply store. Merely a stylistic omission of course.
There was a few partial redundancies,
The first could benefit from becoming 'gaining'.
If she was crunching it then the last part of the phrase would be useful, but as it stands it isn't quite necessary. There's one or two things like that but not all that distracting at all.
Anyway, twas good and enjoyable mate, so I'll be getting to the conclusion as soon as I can. I figured that if you write something and I read it, I might as well comment on it too regardless of age
4261493 Thanks for your sincere review, hope you keep enjoying it!
It's a nice conclusion, short and sweet that gets everything flowing nicely and has a little bit of drama to boot.
It's a nice pick up from last time and does a good job in separating feelings and tones early enough. Rarity likes her established rules, Sweetie Belle is practically born defying them too. Either way, it's a pleasant little dichotomy that is going on. Actually it was a nice little foreshadowing with the snow and the door. While I have no idea how cold Ponyville actually gets, I know the 'stuck out in the winter time' is actually a pretty big deal here. So it's a nice bit of tension without going too overboard
.
Good to see a return of Rarity O'hara though I think the scene break is a bit premature and should likely be here instead of right before that particular paragraph. Either way, Rarity O'hara is always cute.
That was fun, thanks a lot mate!
4284548 Thank you for your review!
Aww, what a really sweet story.
4415641 Thank you, I'm glad that you enjoyed it!
The drama and characterization was good enough to get me through the distraction of shifting tense - you have a bit of a problem about staying consistently past tense or present tense.
I like this story, a lot; I like Rarity's mistake as doing things for Sweetie Belle that she would want for herself, without trying to get in Sweetie's head.
4527693 Thank you for your constructive criticism, I'm glad that you liked my story!
I'll try to fix my inconsistency with using one tense.
I liked the story
But....their are a few...concerns I have. If I may be so bold to present some tips!
1) Keep the dialogue and the rest of the narrative on separate paragraphs.
example: "blah, blah, blah" said Rarity.
Sweete Bell didn't really catch what her sister had said but....
2) Indents are cool, like fezes. So indent and be 20% cooler than you already are
3) Maybe some slower pacing? I felt like their was soooo much you wanted to convey....but maybe you had trouble?(happens to me a lot)
Also their was som character, paradoxes. Like one minute the cashier is a downer, the next he's perky?
Any who keep on being awesome and 'Stay Gold'.
4591157 Thanks your very honest criticism! I'll make sure to fix those problems in my next fan fiction.
4591225 Glad to help. Guess i'll just have to 'watch' you to see if you really do.
I kid, I kid
4591264 Oh, you!
I thought this was a sweet story, and I thought you captured the characters well.
4689550 Thank you so much, I try!
Damn, you made me cry! Too cute!
4690350 That was intentionally.
4690356 I kinda figured!
4690360 Well, glad that you enjoyed it!
4690374 Definitely! I'll have to read more of your work tomorrow!
4690380 Well, good luck and have fun!
4690390 I'm sure I will!
4690395 Well okay.
4690400
4690405 Well, see ya!
4690411 Bye!
Hello again.
If it's okay, I'd like to review this story if you don't mind.
Well, to start, this was a good story. Not great, but good nonetheless.
To begin, I'd like to point out, well, the story itself. I like the fact that Rarity promised Sweetie Belle some quality time, but failed when she decided to go to the spa instead. A great reference to the episode this was based off of. The fact that when Rarity thinks of Quality time with her sister, she only thinks about herself; and it's nice to see that that was put to good use here.
The only problems I can say, is one: the pacing. Yes, you got the reasons why they felt the way they felt right. Just it needs to be slightly more descriptive. Take for example the ending. You wrote that Sweetie opened her eyes, followed by, "I love it, Rarity!..." ... Um, shouldn't you at least say that she was surprised. It feels as if she already knew what she was going to get instead of... Well, being surprised.
Two, the scene in the Arts and Crafts store. Yeah, it felt unneeded. I know it's because it's Hearths Warming. But, it felt more like filler rather than it contributed to the story. It would've been much better if she just bought the arts and crafts, went to work, got tired, and said she wanted to go to the spa instead. That would've been a much better reason to go to the spa instead of, well going to the store.
So, to summarize. This story was sweet. The emotions were believable (even though it needed a little more description), the exploration of this concept was nice, and the execution was done well, not perfect, but well. Though, like I said, pacing needs work; and you need to know what scenes are needed for a story, and what aren't. But, overall, I liked it.
4714198 Thanks for the review once again, I'm quite aware of my problems in the stories.
4714210
You're welcome, my friend...
Hey, you know what, here's a follow.
4714219 I followed you back.
I can see why you review a lot.
4714223
It's what I do as a hobby, and to see if I can make a difference.
Thank you, by the way.
4714238 It's my pleasure.
I laughed way harder than I should have.
4722471 That was the plan all along, consider yourself impressed.
Oh my, gosh, when she said it in the episode, I laughed and I laughed when I read it here, too. I really liked this!
4722480 I'm really glad that you liked it, means a lot coming from you.
Positives:
Descriptor of Hearth's Warming Eve and Winter
Interesting story
"Like. A. Hawk"
Negatives:
-Repeated words. Rarity seems to do everything "gently" or "gracefully" which may be true, but doesn't make for good narrative.
-Discontinuity. Rarity goes downstairs, and Sweetie alternates between being next to her and being out of earshot. The art store cashier is rude then suddenly cheery.
-
Rarity owns a store, she should be more sympathetic; she knows what it's like to get slammed with last minute Hearths Warming Eve shoppers.
4748233 Yeah, not a perfect story I know. Thanks though.
Just a few more comments,
Positives:
I liked the raw emotion, and the characterization.
Very sweet and heartwarming (no pun intended) ending
Negatives:
-No dramatic tension or suspense in the runaway attempt... Charles in Charge would call that milquetoast (To give you a sense of context, in one episode, Jamie and Sarah snuck out at night and made it almost all the way past the front lawn before chickening out. SO EDGY!)
-Some of Sweetie B's dialogue doesn't really sound like how a kid would talk
But to end on a positive note, I loved the message and it did genuinely feel like Sweetie learned something, which was biggest part of the story.
4757464 You got a point there, thanks.
Once again the dialogue feels awkward and out of the place. Also I don't understand why Sweetie Belle wants to go to the spa? I mean, it just seems out of character for her. Wouldn't she want to do something more kid friendly like build in a snowman, give each other makeovers at home or bake some cookies? Another thing, why did Rarity ruin the surprise? You had a really great set-up in which you could've made a big surprise that would've made a great pay off and had a much bigger impact on the reader.
There are a lot repeated words and I remember her saying her sister's name twice. Also the words quality and time are used quite a bit. Tip: the more use a word the less importance the word has. I should probably mention that a few of your sentences are kind of redundant.
This entire sentence of dialogue right here felt repetitive and redundant. I would recommend you get a proofreader or editor that would be willing to help you write this better.
For a first chapter, it was okay. But why you had to describe them eating breakfast and waking up doesn't really make any sense. Anyway, onto the next chapter!