Choose-your-own-adventure shorts written as part of the Interactive Storytelling Experience (The Book Of All Stories) for Ponyville Ciderfest 2023.
Exactly what it says on the tin. These are all choose-your-own-adventure shorts written as part of Ponyville CiderFest 2023's Interactive Storytelling Adventure. There are thirty-nine in total. The chapters have been jumbled up in the tradition of choose-your-own-adventures.
More stories from PVCF's 2023 Interactive Storytelling Experience can be found here.
Includes fics for G1, G3, G3.5, G4, Pony Life, & G5. A G2 character even sneaks into one story. Celebrating all generations of ponies for MLP's 40th anniversary!
Thank you to the entire Ponyville CiderFest Interactive Storytelling team (Vivid Syntax, Nyronus, Sonicsuns, Note Worthy, SteelTheWarrior, Snowday, Aria E. Diamond, SoloBrony, Skywriter, Ellwyn, Ghost Note, Overlord Pony, RQK, Shade Hunter, Shottsy, Celestilune). You pulled it off, and it was amazing!
Special thanks to Admiral Biscuit for pre-reading and for being the liaison on this with the PVCF staff.
There's a new ending option (hero) for The Young Mage And The Lighthouse that wasn't part of the app. This was one of the last stories written, when we needed more chaos/villain entries to even out the choices. So this hero option is bonus content!
Air Supremacy: (G4) (Adventure) (Lightning Dust, Wind Rider, Wind Sprint, Rolling Thunder, Short Fuse)
Hook: Wind Rider helps Lightning Dust reform the Washouts under a new name.
Story #005 Title: Air Supremacy Keyword: Washout Characters: Lightning Dust, Wind Rider, Wind Sprint, Rolling Thunder, Short Fuse Chaos/Villain
Pain. Lightning Dust opens her eyes and immediately closes them again. Light hurts. Everything hurts. Memories start coming back to her. There’d been an accident at the show in Ponyville. Maybe she’s dead? No, she finally decides, she hurts too much to be dead. So she’s probably in the hospital.
After a few more minutes she tries opening her eyes again. This time she keeps them open and eventually they start focusing. She’s definitely in a hospital, but she can’t hear the beeping of machines. She also can’t hear whatever Wind Rider is trying to tell her. Whatever it is, he’s pretty worked up.
She closes her eyes. She’s sore and tired and frankly doesn’t want to deal with anything right now.
Wind Rider is still there when she next wakes up.
“Oh good, you’re awake.” This time she can hear him. “Nod if the magical surgery to restore your hearing was successful.”
Lightning Dust attempts to move unsuccessfully. “I can’t move my head.”
“That’s because you’re in a full body, wing, and hoof cast. Better get used to drinking through a straw, hot shot.”
Lightning Dust groans. “Does Spitfire know?”
“Yes, she was here already. So was Rainbow Dash.”
“Great. I’m never going to hear the end of it. Can you get the doctors to reverse that healing spell on my ears?”
“Pretty sure that goes against the Hippocampus Oath, hot shot.”
“What do you want, Wind Rider?”
“Only for you to get better. We can’t restart the Wash-Ups if you’re in the hospital.”
“That’s Washouts, old geezer. And what do you mean ‘we’? The Washouts is my group.”
“You’re incompetent, so I’m stepping in to run things. You can still be the star.”
“No way.”
Wind Rider walks over to the IV drip. “I think these painkillers are clouding your thoughts. Maybe if I turn them off you’ll be able to think clearer.”
The cast may be interfering with Lightning Dust moving the rest of her body, but it doesn’t impede her eyes widening in horror. “Let’s not be hasty.”
“Good, I knew you’d see reason, hot shot. Do you want to beat Rainbow Dash?”
“Yeah. More than anything.”
“Makes two of us. That punk’s broken most of my records, and her little unicorn friend got me booted out of the Wonderbolts.”
“Welcome to the club.” Lightning tries laughing, but finds that it hurts too much to laugh.
Wind Rider just glares at her. “For now, focus on healing. I’ll take care of everything else.”
When Lightning Dust finally trots out of the hospital, she finds Wind Rider, Rolling Thunder, and Short Fuse waiting for her. There’s a token balloon, but that’s the extent of the festivities. There’s work to be done.
“Your old stunts were beyond reckless, they were suicidal. Believe it or not, the safety rules are there for a reason. The danger is supposed to be an illusion, aside from the very real danger of crashing.”
“But what about Crushinator Jaws of Smash-A-Lot (Patent Pending)?”
Wind Rider’s eyes narrow. “Did you learn absolutely nothing from your hospital stay in a full body, wing, and hoof cast, drinking through a straw?”
“Uh… Point made and taken.”
“This is why I’m the brains of this outfit now, hot shot. As for the rest of you, fall in.”
With a salute, Short Fuse and Rolling Thunder line up.
“That goes for you too, hot shot.” Once Lightning Dust is in place, Wind Rider continues, “First order of business: we need a new name. By the time we’re done tearing them down, there won’t be a Wonderbolts to wash out of.”
“Extreme Aerial Stunt Team?”
Wind Rider shakes his head at Short Fuse’s suggestion. “That abbreviates to E.A.S.T., and Rainbow Dash flew east for days to break my endurance record.”
“How about Radical Aerial Stunt Squad?” is the best Rolling Thunder can come up with.
With no better options forthcoming, Wind Rider accepts the name. “With that settled, we need some new recruits.”
“Way ahead of you. Here’s a list of all the ponies who washed out of the academy this year.” Lightning Dust pulls a page out, with a list of names on it.
Wind Rider shakes his head. “Nope. If we want to hit the ‘Bolts where it hurts, we need a different strategy. We’re going to raid the Junior Wonderbolts and promise them a chance to move up to the big leagues, now. Thanks to the impatience of youth, most of them will jump at the chance. I’ve already got a pony in mind: Wind Sprint. She just entered the Junior Wonderbolts a few months ago. Before that, she was trying to get on a buckball team. Rainbow Dash is apparently a friend of her stepdad.”
“How do you know all that?”
“Easy, hot shot. Rainbow Dash loves to hear herself talk. All you need to do is listen when she runs her mouth.”
“She hates you too. How did you get close enough to listen to her talk about herself?”
“All I needed to do was go to a cider bar wearing a cheap disguise that shouldn’t have fooled anypony. She was bragging about how many Junior Wonderbolts she’s mentoring. It’s what gave me the idea in the first place.”
The four pegasi watch the Junior Wonderbolts tryouts from the bleachers, trying to figure out which of the many foals below is Wind Sprint. Wind Rider’s plan is brilliant, except for the glaring detail of not knowing what Wind Sprint looks like.
Thankfully, the announcer calls out the name of each candidate as they take to the sky, and eventually they figure out she’s a purple pegasus filly.
As the tryouts draw to a close, they find her in the crowd leaving the stadium. She’s looking for her parents, neither of whom is a pegasus. She’s in the sky, alone. It doesn’t take long for four incredibly fast flyers to catch up to her.
Lightning Dust’s spiel is short and to the point. They’re looking for new talent and out of all the potential recruits, they think she has what it takes.
Hook: An important proposal gets intercepted by a postal worker having a bad day.
Story #180 Title: Wayward Mail Keyword: Letter Characters: Star Catcher/Skywishes Choice: Hero/Villain
You glance at the sky, and it’s obvious that Celestia will lower sun long before you finish work. It’s been a long day delivering mail in Canterlot. Your route contains a lot of entitled nobles who not only couldn’t care less about a hardworking pony like yourself, but who actively make life more difficult because it amuses them. One more cartload and you can go home for the night. You toss the last bag into the mail wagon, but it bounces off the edge and spills open.
You curse Celestia, Luna, and every other alicorn you can think of as you pick up all the letters before the wind can carry them away. Weekly circulars for Barnyard Bargains scatter to the winds, but there’s not much you can do about it. The flyers almost seem like they’re designed to take off in the slightest breeze. Maybe that’s why they call them ‘flyers’ in the first place. You can’t help but chuckle, despite your situation. It’s not the end of the world, truthfully it’s not even the worst thing you’ve dealt with today.
There’s a lot of money in Canterlot, which is hammered home by the number of postmarks from popular vacation destinations: Neighagara Falls, Baytona Beach, Abyssinia. Nobles bragging about their latest trips, no doubt. You sigh, knowing full well you’ll probably never see any of these destinations personally. Looking at the postcard pictures is the closest you’ll ever come.
One envelope is postmarked Butterfly Island, from a pegasus noble named Star Catcher. Before you can toss it back in the bag, the seal comes undone and the letter inside flitters toward the ground. You catch it before it can join the circulars swirling around in the breeze. You look at the now empty envelope.
Skywishes 1685 Wishing Well Lane Canterlot
The letter is addressed to a mare on your route. She’s rarely home during the day, so you’ve seen her once or twice, but haven’t met her.
You’ve heard of Star Catcher. She’s a noble in the House of Hurricane, a descendant of the legendary pegasus commander. Her home isn’t on your route, so you’ve never even seen her, let alone met her. Curious, you read the letter with interest.
My dearest Skywishes,
They say that Butterfly Island is one of the prettiest places in Equestria and it’s true. But these tropical beaches can’t hold a candle to you, the prettiest mare in all of Equestria. It’s lonely here without you. Being away from you for so long has made me realize that I never want to be away from you ever again.
My trip should be over soon, and the good news is I finally found the perfect ring for you. We can finally make it official! Will you marry me?
Hope to hear from you soon!
Love you forever and ever, Star Catcher
You stand there, stunned, for at least a minute. You’ve worked for the postal service for years, and you’ve never heard of anypony proposing by mail before. It would be the perfect opportunity to get revenge on a noble.
[CHOICE]Do you take your frustrations out on a pair of ponies you don't know?
Life in Unicornia used to be quiet. Sure, there were times when Princess Rarity, the youngest of the four princesses was getting into mischief, but for the most part, it was always peaceful.
But that was then, and things have been much more exciting lately. Formerly an insular mountain stronghold, Unicornia has welcomed the earth ponies of Ponyville and pegasi of Butterfly Island to town with open forelegs. That had taken some getting used to, but it had all worked out in the end, and everypony has been enjoying their new friends for months now.
Of course, not all of the new arrivals are responsible, rational ponies. For example, there’s the klutzy pegasus, Minty. Like Rarity, she never means harm, but that doesn’t stop disaster from following in her hoofsteps.
As you think of Minty, something nags at the back of your brain, but you can’t quite put your hoof on it. You have a vague recollection that Minty used to be an earth pony when she first came to town, but that’s silly. Ponies don’t just grow wings for no reason. You’re pretty sure it normally it takes at least sixty-five episodes and some executive meddling.
You wonder what kind of shenanigans Rarity and Minty might be up to today. Which reminds you to check in on your friend, Shenanigans. You find her, as usual, by the hot air balloons. She’s the best pilot anypony knows, and she greets you with a wave and a smile.
“Where to today?”
You shrug. Any conversation with Shenanigans involves a flight. It’s fun, and it’s one of the reasons you enjoy hanging out with her. “Your choice.”
She ponders that for a moment. “How about Breezie Blossom?”
You nod. It’s been a while since you’ve seen any of the tiny breezies. “So how have you been?”
She grins. “I’m always as good as I want to be. Life’s as exciting or as dull as I choose.”
“That’s a good outlook. We all control our own happiness.”
She laughs. “I control everypony’s happiness. I can make anything happen.”
“Huh?”
“I see you don’t believe me. How’d you like a demonstration?”
“I guess.”
She pulls a piece of paper out. “How about… I know! We’ll catch a wind gust and arrive in Breezie Blossom in exactly one minute.” She scribbles on the paper, and all of a sudden the balloon picks up speed. You hold onto the basket for dear life as the ground blurs below you.
“What’s happening?” you scream out in terror.
“Exactly what I said would happen.” Shenanigans is amazingly calm despite the balloon’s breakneck speed.
The balloon lands seconds later, after an incredibly quick descent that shouldn’t be physically possible. As your friend predicted, you’re in Breezie Blossom. Zipzee, Tiddley Wink, and Tra La La are already flying excitedly towards you.
“If I want something to happen, all I have to do is write it on this piece of paper I found last week.”
“Did you turn Minty into a pegasus?”
She nods. “I was tired of her crashing my balloons all the time. Now she can fly, and crash, all by herself.” She slides the paper over to you. “Why don’t you give it a try?”
You tap a hoof to your chin in thought. “Sure, give it to me. I know just what I want to write on it.”
Winter has come to Whinnyapolis, right on schedule. It’s still early in the season, and the first snow of the season dumped eight inches on town, exactly as planned by the weather team. Whinnyapolis takes winter seriously, and the schools are all closed and most businesses have also shut down for the day so that families can spend time together.
Some have chosen to snuggle together by their fireplaces, while many are playing in the snow. There are snowmares and snow forts dotting front yards along the main street.
Splat. A snowball beans you right on the snout. You turn your head as a filly giggles mischievously and ducks behind a tree in the local park.
You knew there was a chance of getting pulled into a snowball fight. It’s the whole reason you went out in the first place. There’s only one thing to do: retaliation. “It is on!”
You gather up some snow, compact it into a nice sphere, and chase her into the park. Before you can throw it, the filly’s friends start pelting you with more snowballs. She’s led you right into an ambush.
You scramble for cover behind a shrub. It’s not ideal, but the fillies have already claimed the best hiding spots for themselves. At least it blocks a few of the snowballs lobbed your way. The inexperience of youth results in a number of other icy projectiles failing to reach their target.
But the unicorns, like that blue filly who drew you into this battle, aim true. The pegasi are worse, raining snow down on you from above.
You knew you were outnumbered, but as the fight goes on you realize just how lopsided a battle it really is. You’re up against seven unicorns, six pegasi, and a trio of earth ponies. Sixteen on one, how is that fair?
It’s not long before there’s dissension in the ranks, and it turns into an every pony for themselves free-for-all. You make a mad dash across the street and upgrade your cover to a parked wagon in the process. The pegasi can still get you, but the unicorns are having a harder time hitting what they can’t see.
The snowball fight is interrupted by a wavy, shimmering rainbow light appearing in the middle of the park. A truce is quickly called as the fillies march up to the mysterious anomaly. The blue unicorn who lured you into the fight introduces herself as Snowcatcher, and points to her friends, Flitterheart, Dewdrop Dazzle, and a bunch of others. It gets hard to keep track of them all after she introduces a yellow pegasus as Sunny Rays, which you can’t help but think is an ironic name given the environment she finds herself in.
Dewdrop throws a snowball that disappears into the strange disturbance. It doesn’t come back out the other side.
“It’s a portal!” Snowcatcher charges toward it. “I want to see where it goes!”
“Sounds like fun!” Flitterheart lands next to Snowcatcher.
Hook: After years of touring, this band's falling apart at the seems.
Story #187 Title: Disco Dash Character: Starsong Keyword: Disco Choices: Hero/Villain
Bands from all over Equestria have descended upon Marewaukee for a three-day concert featuring bands across a wide variety of genres. Everypony from the hottest new recording artists like Coloratura, Songbird Serenade, and Ruby Jubilee, to oldies acts like The Dreamlands, Gee Threes, and Night Shade.
It’s been a long journey, but now that you’re here, it’s all worth it. There’s still plenty of time until the first act goes on, so you wander the area, looking for a food cart. A daisy and daffodil sandwich would really hit the spot about now. Maybe with some apple cider to wash it down.
Roadies are still moving equipment, and you give them a wide berth so they can do their job in peace. Somehow, instead of finding concession stands and souvenir trailers, you’ve managed to find yourself amongst the band’s coaches without security stopping you, so you press on. If you’re not supposed to be back here, obviously somepony would’ve told you before now.
You’re not going to quell your gurgling stomach, but you might just catch a glimpse of a celebrity. Camera at the ready, you continue walking through the maze of carts, coaches, and trailers. Trailers hauling band equipment are usually emblazoned with the band’s logo. Mare Supply, Journeigh, Electric Blue, you recognize a lot of the bands. But the coaches aren’t helpfully labeled, and most have the curtains drawn so it’s impossible to see through the windows.
Then your ears swivel, catching the faint sound of a pony singing, getting in some practice before the show. As you get closer, you recognize the voice as the lead vocalist of Gee Threes. She’s not even singing one of her own songs, but there’s no mistaking her soaring vocals for anypony else. The sound’s coming from a door just up ahead. Your hooves are already knocking on her door before you even fully process what you’re doing.
The door opens and you come face to face with your idol. She looks irritated to have been disturbed. “What do you want?”
“Star…Starsong?”
“Yeah?”
“I heard you warming up and I’m sorry for knocking but I couldn’t help myself…”
She holds up a hoof to stop your gushing over her. “Sorry, I thought you were one of my bandmates come to apologize. There’ll be an autograph session later. I really must ask you to leave now.”
“Apologize? What for?”
She sighs as she looks at you. “You’re not some reporter looking for an inside scoop, are you?”
You shake your head quickly.
She looks you up and down and decides she can trust you. “I don’t know what’s gotten into the others, but we can’t seem to agree on anything lately. If you asked us who raises the sun each morning, we’d probably each pick a different princess.” You chuckle at that and she continues confiding in you. “Honestly, I’ve been thinking of going solo. I’m tired of all the fighting. What do you think? Do you think I could make it on my own?”
[CHOICE]Do you try to keep the band together or urge them to break up?
The doorbell rings and you interrupt your routine to answer it. A curly-haired Filly Guide is standing on your porch. “Wanna buy some cookies?”
There’s only one correct answer to this question. The more appropriate question is ‘how many boxes can I put you down for?’ “I’ll take one box of each flavor, please.”
The filly invites herself inside, pushing past you, then pulls out a glowing page with all kinds of odd writing on it. She writes your order down, and the cookies appear out of thin air.
“How’d you do that?” you ask.
“Golly, it’s a little trick I picked up. Gosh, maybe I can let you in on the secret since you bought so many cookies.” She flutters her eyelashes at you, and giggles. There’s something unsettling about her laugh. You look past her scout uniform and take a good look at the filly underneath. You recognize her instantly – it’s Cozy Glow.
You start backing away from her in panic. Not that you can go far. Besides, she’s in your house. She knows where you live.
“Look, I don’t have much time, so I’ll skip straight to the point. Don’t think I’m going all goody four-shoes just because of this… but I’ve seen this play before. I’ve got everything and everypony right where I want them… and then defeat is snatched from the jaws of victory. I’ve had an all-powerful enchanted object before. I’ve had partners in crime. Despite every advantage, I’ve still lost every single time. I’m getting tired of being defeated. I think Tirek is too, even if he won’t admit it. He’s really, really old, so he’s been defeated like a bunch more times than I have. I want to beat him to the punch. If somepony’s going to sell out our plans, it’s going to be me.”
She holds out several pages. “The villains are outsmarted.” She flips to the next. “The villains are defeated.” She keeps flipping through the pages. “Dues ex machina. Oh, I really hate that one. The villain does everything right and still gets her hindquarters kicked.” She reaches the end of the pile. “Do you know how many of these stories end with the villains winning?”
“Uh…”
“Not many.” She sighs. “I’m not stupid. I know how this game works and I don’t want to lose yet again. So I’m hedging my bets, playing both sides of the field. Maybe when this all shakes out you’ll be bowing to me and calling me ‘empress’, or as I like to call it, ‘the happy ending’. Or maybe this interaction is the only thing standing between me and being a pigeon roost. Again. I call this ‘the realistic ending’. This time I plan on being on the winning side, whichever one that might happen to be.”
She pauses. “Okay, I get it, I’m not going to earn your trust in a few minutes. So I’ll pose this question instead: would I sell out my own teammates?”
“If you had something to gain…” You trail off, realizing that the diminutive pegasus does in fact have something to gain.
“Oh, looks like both your brain cells are working. I love a good backstabbing.” She scribbles on her page again and more cookies appear. “Now, do you want the heroes to have a fighting chance, or do you want to keep staring at me like you’ve never seen a Filly Guide before? You’d have to be a fool to trust me. I’m not a good pony, and I’m not going to pretend to be. But… maybe this is all the hope your pathetic team has of winning.” She offers the page to you.
Story 195 Title: Dog Gone Keyword: Ruff Character: Diamond Rose Hero/Chaos
It’s lunchtime, and you’re walking home to grab a quick bite to eat and to let your dog out. Rex is a recent addition to your life, a toy poodle who showed up unexpectedly on your porch last week. He’s been your companion ever since. He’s very well-behaved for a stray, and he’s adorable. You can’t imagine how you used to get along without him.
You ponder lunch options as you walk. A simple sandwich seems like the best choice, since walking home and back eats up most of your break. You chuckle at the unintentional wordplay.
You’re almost home when you notice an advertisement on a streetlamp.
REWARD: LOST DOG! Toy Poodle answering to the name Snookums Contact Diamond Rose if found at 16 Gem Court
You look at the picture on the poster – it certainly looks like Rex. You grab the poster from the streetlamp and take it home with you.
Diamond Rose is the epitome of the stereotypical spoiled rich heiress. You’ve seen her trotting around with her family’s household staff in tow, normally loaded with boxes from her frequent shopping excursions. Now that you think about it, you’ve seen a tiny dog poking its head out of her saddlebags. Any dog well behaved enough to ride around in saddlebags without leaping out and running off must be incredibly well trained. Too well trained to be Rex… you hope. In addition to the training, her dog was probably a purebred, because a pony of her status couldn’t be seen having an animal that came from a shelter, perish the thought.
In other words, a dog like hers must have cost a small fortune.
You quicken your pace and upon arriving at your home, fling the door open in a rush. Rex greets you at the door, rolling over to expose his stomach. You reach down and rub his belly and he contentedly paws at empty air.
You let him out, all thoughts of eating on lunch forgotten. Rex dashes off and returns with a ball that he drops at your hooves. You play fetch with him until it’s time to go back to work. You don’t have the heart to check to see if Rex is actually Snookums.
The second half of your workday is exceedingly unproductive. Your mind’s not on your job. Instead you’re thinking about what you have to do when you get home, while simultaneously dreading it. The last few hours slip by too quickly. You walk home slower than you did on lunch, the spring gone from your step.
Rex greets you, as you’ve become accustomed to. He jumps on you, then flops onto his back so you can rub his tummy. With a heavy heart you hold up the poster and compare the photo to Rex. If Rex isn’t Snookums, they could be twins.
“Snookums?”
Rex responds to the name in a way he hasn’t reacted to ‘Rex’. He recognizes it and looks around, as if expecting to see somepony else. You sigh. This is the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make.
The pitter patter of rain hitting the roof can occasionally be heard over the gramophone in the corner playing spooky songs. Nightmare Night’s less than three weeks away and your costume shop’s seeing a steady business. It’s hard to tell who’s more excited by choosing a costume, the foals or the adults. It’s one of the former that’s your sole customer at the moment – a yellowish-orange filly with a bee cutie mark. Unsurprisingly, there’s a bee costume nestled on her back. What’s surprising is that she’s still shopping, despite apparently having already decided on a costume.
Maybe she has doubts. Maybe she doesn’t want to go back outside until the rain lets up. Either way, she’s being quiet and respecting your merchandise. Not all shoppers her age are as courteous as she is.
The record finishes and you put another on. At this time of year you only play Nightmare Night songs. There aren’t that many, though, and they get annoying after a while. But they add to the atmosphere, and the whole idea of a shop is for customer to spend their bits. If mood music increases sales, you can deal with being annoyed for a few months.
Curiosity finally getting the best of you, you wander up to the filly. “Can I help you, miss…?” You trail off, hoping she’ll fill in her name.
“Call me Honeybuzz.” She shrugs. “I don’t think so. I’m trying to pick out a costume for my twin sister. We had a bet that whoever did best on today’s math test would get to pick our Nightmare Night costumes, and I beat her by two points.”
“Congratulations.”
She smiles at you. “Thanks!”
“What does she like,” you ask.
“Bumblesweet likes bees, same as me. But we already look alike, so I don’t want her to dress in the same costume as me, too. Besides, she isn’t very nice to me most of the time, so I’m keeping this one for me. But it leaves me at a loss on what to get her dressed up as. I don’t know if I should get her something she’d like, or if I should pay her back for all the times she makes me suffer.”
“It can’t be that bad.”
Honeybuzz recounts tale after tale of her sister’s transgressions. To hear the filly tell it, her sister’s the golden child who can never do anything wrong, while she’s the disappointment to her parents. Bumblesweet is also hypercompetitive if Honeybuzz is to be believed, and turns everything into a competition. Competitions that Honeybuzz normally loses on purpose so her sister will stop trying to compete with her at everything. That only reinforces the disappointment her parents feel toward her.
You look at the costume the filly’s been eyeing up while talking – it’s a daisy, which would complement her own bee costume perfectly. Since Honeybuzz has already indicated that she and Bumblesweet are identical twins, it’s not hard to picture what they’d look like in the respective costumes. ‘Adorable’ sums it up nicely.
She notices that you’ve noticed her possible choice. “What do you think? This flower costume is kinda cute and fits in with my costume. Or… do you think I should be mean to her like she’s mean to me?”
Hook: Deep in the jungle there's an object that might just save the day. But is it worth it?
Story #197 Title: Holding Out For A Hero Keyword: Steinman Character: Wind Whistler Hero/Villain
Wind Whistler isn’t a normal pony. You’ve known her for years, but it’s only after trudging through a forest for hours to really appreciate just how different from the herd she really is. She’s a trotting encyclopedia on a multitude of subjects, but completely inept at making small talk. The conversation, for whatever measure it can be called such, has been decidedly one-sided, except for bursts of facts related to whatever is relevant to your surroundings.
Wind Whistler is knowledgeable. Wind Whistler is logical. Everything she says or does has a purpose. She doesn’t waste words on pleasantries or talking about the weather. You’re not exactly sure why she’s invited you along on this mission instead of either North Star or Paradise, either of whom is more qualified for an archeological expedition than you. You’d call it a ‘fool’s errand’, but while Wind Whistler is a great many things, a fool isn’t one of them. She still hasn’t explained what your trip is about, but she indicated it was urgent when you left Dream Valley earlier that day.
The jungle has run out, and Wind Whistler’s apparent goal is in front of you. A long-abandoned temple rises from the overgrown ruins of an ancient town. She motions for you to slow your pace as she starts reading posted signs in the long dead language. That she can actually decipher the hieroglyphics doesn’t surprise you in the least.
She navigates through the temple, deciphering puzzles and dodging booby traps along the way. You follow her instruction to the letter – you don’t want to end up trapped in here.
It takes a while, but her painstaking caution pays off. You reach the central room of the temple, revealing a large, open room with an altar in the middle. Atop the altar is an awkwardly-shaped stone object.
Wind Whistler whistles in appreciation. “This is the mighty Steinman. An artifact infused with the magic of a dozen unicorns, and gifted to the humans who once lived here.” She goes silent as she starts measuring it, and studying it from all angles. Abruptly she stops and hands you her saddlebags. “Fill these with as many rocks as you can find.”
It’s an unusual request, one you would’ve questioned from anyone else. But from Wind Whistler, you follow her order without comment, scrounging rocks from the floor of the crumbling temple surrounding you.
She takes the saddlebags, and proceeds to adjust the contents, removing some rocks and adding a few others from the ground until she’s satisfied with the results. “This should be sufficient for my needs.” She turns to you. “This is going to require precision timing. The Steinman can be removed, but only in the event something of equal weight is substituted. Failure will result in the ceiling collapsing.”
You gulp as you look up. The ceiling is twenty feet above you, but it’s solid stone. If that drops, you’re both goners.
“I’m going to hover with my saddlebags. When I nod, grab the statue and run back the way we came in. In case we get separated, do you remember the way?”
“Yes.”
“Can you dodge the booby traps?”
“I think so.”
“Good. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that, but if we get separated, you have to get back to Dream Valley. Without the Rainbow of Light, the Steinman is our only hope.”
Porcina had invaded, turning most of Ponyland’s inhabitants to glass.
Wind Whistler nods, and you grab the statue as she drops her rock-filled saddlebags on the dais. There’s a rumbling from above and you pour on the speed, dodging the chunks of rock as they rain down from the ceiling.
The ceiling has collapsed, leaving the altar room strewn with rubble. It’s impossible to see over, and you call out to see if your friend is all right. “Wind Whistler! Are you okay?”
“In a manner of speaking. I’m afraid I miscalculated the weight of the Steinman.” She groans, and you’re not sure if it’s because she’s in pain, or if she’s just embarrassed to have made a mistake.
“Are you in pain?”
“I am, but that’s rather inconsequential, all things considered.”
“How can you consider that trivial?”
She laughs. It’s an awkward sound, almost as if Wind Whistler understands the concept of laughing, but has little practical experience with finding things funny. “This is one of the reasons I prefer to engage in conversations with you – you don’t need a dictionary to translate what I’ve said. But to answer your question, I find myself pinned in a confined space between the dais, the ground, and a rather massive chunk of the ceiling. I’m, as the others would say, stuck.”
“Hold on,” you say. “I’m coming.”
“That would be ill-advised. The stone above me is perched precariously. Efforts to extract me would more likely result in entombing us both. Besides, Dream Valley’s predicament is direr than mine.”
“You can’t sacrifice yourself like this.”
“I can, and I must. The needs of the herd outweigh the needs of one mare.”
“But…”
“We can spend all day arguing, but in the end it’s my decision.”
Hook: Absolute power can't corrupt someone who's already been corrupted.
Story #198 Title: Lost In Lava Keyword: Lava Character: Lavan, Princess Tiffany, Sludge Hero/Chaos/Villain
Royal Paradise, an oasis in the middle of the Jeweled Desert. It’s home to the six Princess Ponies, the guardians of all of Ponyland’s magic. Royal Paradise is everything one would expect the home of royalty to be – big, luxurious, and ostentatious. The Princess Ponies divide their time equally between hobbies each thinks are of the utmost importance, and arguing about which one of them should be queen. The princesses are completely incapable of agreeing with one another… except to agree that none of the others is fit to be queen.
In other words, it’s a land ripe for conquest. Lavan feels the time has finally come to claim the six magic wands for himself!
Lavan and his army of lava demons burst through cracks in the Jeweled Desert, riding on surfboards atop a rapidly moving lava flow.
“It’s Lavan!” The princesses screaming in terror are music to Lavan’s ears.
“Run!”
The lava demons have taken the princesses by surprise, and the ponies wave their wands uselessly as they gallop away from Lavan’s hordes. They create flowers and rainbows, which are completely powerless to stop his molten lava. Surrounded, they’re quickly forced to give up their wands. Five of the six princesses surrender, but their wands have been claimed by the sole pegasus in their group. The white pony takes to the sky, her white locks trailing in the breeze.
Lavan’s not going to let a little thing like being confined to the ground thwart him. The lava pools underneath him, and he releases it, riding a flaming tsunami towards his airborne enemy. She continues flying higher, doing her best to escape, but it’s no use. Lavan gets close enough to Princess Tiffany to grab her with his magic. She manages to escape, but drops the wands in the process. Lavan’s focus is on the wands, and he allows the pegasus to escape. If she couldn’t even stop him when she had her wand, he feels there’s nothing at all she could do to stop him without it.
The lava demons have herded the other five princesses towards the surfboards, and they take them hostage as they return to Lavan’s subterranean lair.
The princesses refuse to share their knowledge on how to use the wands, and Lavan orders his henchmen, Sludge, to throw them into the lava pits. When he protests, Lavan backhands him and relents, allowing Sludge to toss them in the dungeon instead, to be dealt with later. He decides he’ll have to deal with Sludge, too. It’s not good for other minions to see him questioning authority. Lavan likes being in charge. He likes power, and he’s not giving it up. He muses that he’ll send Sludge on a solo mission to deal with the ice orcs, and let them solve his problem once and for all.
Picking up all six of the wands, Lavan can feel their power coursing through his body, but can’t control it. The magic goes haywire, and random things start happening around the throne room. The wands are too powerful for him in his current form… Inspired, he puts five of the wands down and absorbs the remaining wand’s power directly into his body. His arm turns to crystal and he can finally feel the power inside of him. He quickly grabs another wand, and soon his other arm is crystalline as well. His legs, torso, and finally head join the party as the other wands are drained one at a time.
“Muhahahahahaha! Now is the time for conquest!”
One of his other lava demon lackeys bows and asks, “Where should we start, master?”
Hook: Absolute power can't corrupt someone who's already been corrupted.
Story #205 Title: Taste The Rainbow Keyword: Polaris Character: North Star, Lavan, Princess Tiffany, Sludge Hero/Chaos/Villain
With magic going crazy throughout Dream Valley, North Star took it upon herself to investigate. Many moons ago, Paradise had told a tale of princess ponies living in the Jeweled Desert that control all of Ponyland’s magic with their wands. It’s the first thing to jump to her mind, so she takes off flying in that direction. The others would no doubt waste their time going to the Moochick, but North Star demands action.
As she flies over the Jeweled Desert, it’s very apparent that the desert is spreading. She watches as it swallows trees and bushes, crystalizing them right before her eyes… along with any unfortunate animals unable to get out of the way in time. At its present rate of expansion, it’ll reach Paradise Estate in under a day. She sighs. Another day, another crisis. It’s times like this she wishes she could live somewhere so safe that she could develop a crippling fear of clouds because there’s nothing scary trying to get her every other week.
She spots a dot on the horizon and changes directions, angling her wings to intercept. The dot continues getting larger and she discovers a white pegasus flying toward her. They intercept one another over the desert, hovering in place to make introductions. It’s Princess Tiffany, one of the very ponies North Star has set out to see, making things convenient. Her impulsive guess turns out to be right – the princesses are aware of the magical disturbance and know the cause. She fills North Star in about Lavan, a lava demon, as they fly towards Royal Paradise.
Listening to Princess Tiffany is disheartening. Neither pegasus has a plan to defeat Lavan as the oasis home of the Princess Ponies, Royal Paradise, appears on the horizon in front of them. Princess Tiffany points to a giant fissure in the ground and explains that’s how the lava demons attacked them. There’s no sign of demons or lava now, not even a cooled, hardened lava flow.
They fly together into the crack in the earth, descending into Lavan’s underground lair. Like most pegasi, they find being underground uncomfortable, yet they fly on regardless. They find the captured prisoners following a lava demon – stealth goes out the window as the two groups are heading right for one another. The lava demon spots them, and worse, the other princesses are so inept as to start waving and shouting at us.
“Wait! Don’t attack! I’m Sludge, and I’m helping your friends escape.”
That takes the pair of pegasi by surprise, but Lavan’s domain seems to be deserted, so it appears to be true. “Where is everybody?”
“They went conquering. I’m not sure where they went, I was assigned prisoner detail before they decided.” Sludge shrugs. “Lavan wanted me to shove your friends into the lava pits, and when I refused he hit me. I’m tired of all his abuse. He can’t be allowed to succeed. We have to stop him, or he’ll eventually destroy everyone, everywhere.
It’s a lucky break that he isn’t in. Sludge knows the lair like the back of his hand and leads the ponies into the throne room where the magic wands lay discarded, completely drained of their magic. They’re dull and gray, but North Star grabs them anyway, hoping they might come in handy later.
‘Later’ comes sooner than she would’ve liked. Lavan sneaks up on North Star and the princesses while they’re still in his throne room, their hopes at ambushing him thwarted by his sharpened senses. Lavan’s crystal form is more powerful than anything North Star’s seen before, even Grogar pales in comparison. He drives the ponies back, barely tapping into his newfound strength.
With the pressure mounting North Star holds one of the wands up, hoping a blast of his magic will recharge it. It doesn’t, but it does repel the magic… right back at him. He’s down for the count and North Star gallops over to him, putting the wands against his prone form. It’s enough to drain the crystalline energy from him, restoring both the wands and Lavan’s original lava demon form.
Sludge convinces the rest of the lava demons to revolt against their abusive ‘master’, and soon the entire group is back on the surface. North Star proposes that the lava demons become Royal Paradise’s security, and Sludge agrees. They waste no time starting construction on a barracks and an observation tower.
There’s one last order of business to take care of.
Hook: In the badlands of Utah, a filly discovers a new species of dinosaur.
Story #214 Title: Dig It Keyword: Dinosaur Character: Petuinia Paleo Hero/Chaos/Villain
The badlands aren’t for everybody. Days are hot. Nights are cold. Vegetation is sparse. Cellphone coverage? Wi-Fi? Starbucks? Not a chance. There’s a reason they’re not called the goodlands, after all.
But there’s a pony. Not a pack animal, but an Equestrian. She’s here as part of a student exchange program. Petunia Paleo is enthusiastic, a trait that the rest of the expedition finds either incredibly endearing… or incredibly annoying. There’s not much middle ground. She talks about dinosaurs nonstop. While others in the expedition occasionally wear dinosaur themed t-shirts, she insists on wearing dinosaur costumes. Even in the sweltering heat.
Despite starting in a proverbial hole, the filly has proven herself indispensable to the team. She made the first discovery of the expedition, before camp had even been fully set up. By the end of the day she’d unearthed a mostly complete Ceratosaurus nasicornus. It was the kind of find that would normally take a team weeks to remove from the ground.
It didn’t stop on day two. Right after waking up she found an Apatosaurus louisae. Half the team has been working on excavating the massive sauropod in the two weeks since. It’s less complete than the theropod, but substantially more massive. With the young mare on a hot streak, the professor insisted she continue scouting finds.
And for the last month, that’s exactly what she’s done. While the rest of your team have found teeth and partial skeletons, she has a knack for finding the best specimens. There’s been some grumbling about Equestrian earth pony magic from jealous expedition members.
There’s been even more grumbling about her academics, or rather the lack thereof. Petunia doesn’t have to write term papers about her experience. When she returns to Equestria she won’t spend months painstakingly working on a thesis. All she’s expected to do is send periodic ‘friendship reports’ to her instructors. On a weekly basis, if you remember correctly. Her instructors are less concerned with her scientific research and discoveries than they are about her social life.
Which is why she’s working with you. Your objective is to earn your degree in paleontology. Her objective is much simpler: to befriend you. She’s slowly won over most of the expedition, even those who’d been grumbling about her the loudest. Now it’s your turn.
You walk off into the scrubland in a random direction. At first she’s content to follow you like a wayward puppy, but then she gallops ahead. She stops and starts digging furiously.
Really, she seems happy just to dig holes. Almost as if unearthing fossils is a bonus, or a justification to keep digging holes. She’s good at it – really good at it. There have been previous expeditions where enthusiastic would-be paleontologists enthusiastically dug holes but couldn’t tell the difference between ‘dirt’ and ‘fossils’, but Petunia’s as careful as can be. For someone who lacks opposable digits, she’s even really good at chipping rock away from bones. Her hooves almost seem designed for the task, doing the work faster than a chisel.
You have no doubt at all that she’s found something. Everywhere she goes she finds fossils, and it’s making you look bad. You wonder what it’ll be this time. A Stegosaurus? Dryosaurus? You mentally review all the species known from the Morrison Formation, and she’s already discovered specimens of most of them. Not just dinosaurs – she’s uncovered turtles, mollusks, and even found fossil conifers.
As more of the skeleton is unearthed you quickly eliminate potential species. Once she’s got it partially excavated you start wondering if she’s found a new genus entirely. You excitedly grab a brush and start whisking sediment away from the rock-encased fossil. It quickly becomes apparent that your preliminary guess is correct – this is a dinosaur completely unknown to science. It’s an unexpected find considering that this bone bed has been extensively studied for over a century.
“I think this is something nobody’s ever seen before.”
“Now what?” She looks at you expectantly, her tail wagging.
Story #215 Title: Escape Keyword: Journey Character: Potion Nova Hero/Chaos
It’s a crisp fall day in Pennsylvania. The leaves are changing colors, and the birds are flying south. It’s the kind of day that usually gets depicted on postcards.
You’re settled into your seat aboard Amtrak’s Keystone, bound for New York City. You look out at Lancaster Station as you wait for the train to depart. A pony galloping across the platform catches your attention. She looks like every young girl’s dream come true: a white unicorn with pastel blue, pink, and purple hair.
The unicorn boards the train just as it’s ready to leave the station. She glances around, looking for an empty seat, and finally spots one next to you. She sits down as the train pulls forward. She’s out of breath, so you open your bag and offer her a bottled water, which she accepts gratefully.
She drinks, nearly draining the bottle in one fell swoop. She’s quiet as she twists the cap back on what’s left of her water, and you think it’ll be a peaceful ride to New York.
She finally breaks the silence. “I’m Potion Nova.” She offers her hoof.
You shake her hoof, introducing yourself in the process. Now that the ice has been broken, Potion Nova turns out to be quite the chatterbox. She starts talking, and the two of you jump from topic to topic. Eventually you ask her why she’d heading to New York and she doesn’t respond.
“I don’t know,” she finally admits. “I just got on the first train leaving the state.”
You chuckle. “Pennsylvania has that effect on folks.”
“Oh, good. Glad to know it’s not just me who’s been chased by an irate mob of religious traditionalists in horse and buggies.”
You pause, what you were about to say next forgotten as curiosity demands further explanation. “No, that sounds pretty unique. What happened?”
“It’s a long story.”
“It’s a long train ride. We’ve got about two more hours before we arrive at our destination.”
“If I’m going to tell my tale, I guess I should start back at the beginning. I was born magically deficient.” Her horn lights up with a pale aura. “I have ridiculously weak field strength, but that’s not to say that I’m completely without magic. I studied with the zebra shamans, and I learned how to make potions with the best of them. When I heard about Earth, I figured moving here was a no brainer. A world without magic? Surely my potions would be in high demand.” Her expression dims. “But they’re not. Almost everything I can make potions for has an equivalent on Earth. You have medications, so there’s no need for medical potions. You have fertilizers that are nearly as good as my growing potions and cost half as much. I figured if I can’t beat them, I’d join them. But I shopped my résumé around to a bunch of pharmaceutical companies and they all rejected me. I apparently don’t have a proper education.”
She pauses her story just long enough to finish the last of her water. “I was a failure in Equestria and I was rapidly becoming a failure on Earth, too. So I did some research and figured that if there was any place my potions would be a hot commodity, it would be a community where they eschew modern conveniences…”
“I take it that didn’t work out so well for you.”
“Apparently I’m a ‘witch’ and deserve to be burned at the stake.”
“I’m sure they weren’t serious.”
She shows you her tail, the end of which is singed. “There were torches and pitchforks.”
“…Okay, maybe they were a little serious. I’m sorry you had to go through all that. What are you going to do now?”
“I don’t know. I’ve got no plan, no money, and no useful skills. I guess I’ll just go to the Equestrian consulate in New York and see if they can get me back home.” She sighs. “If I’m going to be a failure, I may as well be a failure at home.”
Hook: Daring Do seeks a relic of long dead civilization but finds that they’re not quite as extinct as she thought.
Story #227 Title: Daring Do And The Temple Of Syrinx Keyword: 2112 Characters: Daring Do, Flitter, a sphynx named Mr. Jinks Hero/Villain
Flutter Valley is nearly surrounded by high cliffs. The once lush valley has turned to scrubland, but the Temple of Syrinx rises proudly from the valley floor. Time has been kinder to the temple than it’s been to the valley. The Flutter civilization built their monuments to last. The temple has outlasted the civilization that built it by thousands of years.
Daring Do has broken her rule about working alone to retrieve the Sunstone, an ancient artifact that’s too heavy for the adventurer to move by herself. She’s recruited Flitter, based on a recommendation from Rainbow Dash. Rainbow had desperately wanted to come, but had a scheduling conflict she couldn’t get out of.
As they trot through the landscape, Daring regales Flitter with tales of what Flutter Valley was like in its prime. Once they enter the temple, she describes the ancient ceremonies that had taken place within the stony walls in antiquity.
“Many years ago, the Flutter Valley civilization worshipped a sun goddess in this temple. This white alicorn bears a strong resemblance to Princess Celestia, despite this being prior to her ascension. History reports that the sun was being raised by the unicorns of Unicornia, but perhaps it was really Celestia? She refuses to speak on the subject, and few records survived the Discordian Era intact.”
“How did the Sunstone work?” Flitter asks.
“The Sunstone was located on a pillar so tall that it extended through the ceiling. Their goddess was a sun goddess, and the temple was built to be open to the sky for ceremonies. Think of it as a giant skylight, but without the glass. The Sunstone was a golden gem, one that could soak up sunlight and store it as heat that kept this valley perpetually warm, even in the middle of winter. It’s one of the first known instances of ponies manipulating the weather. Weather was feral before that.”
“Like the Everfree Forest outside Ponyville. I work on the weather team, and I’ve seen the storms that blow in from the Everfree. I’m glad ponykind has mostly tamed Mother Nature.” She shudders. “What happened to the Sunstone?”
“There was a landslide, and the earth shook with so much force as to dislodge the stone from its pedestal. There was an uprising, as political enemies of Queen Rosedust tried to use it as an excuse to seize power from her. As for the stone itself, supposedly it wasn’t permitted to leave the temple, as it was guarded by a sphynx.”
“Not bad,” critiques a deep voice. “You’ve got a few details wrong, but that’s to be expected considering it’s been many centuries since the last Celebration of the Sun.”
“Oh! That’s a big kitty!” Flitter exclaims upon turning around and seeing the speaker.
Daring Do’s heart skips a beat as she looks at the sphynx that’s managed to sneak up on them and cut off their way back to the exit.
“It’s been a very long time since I last had visitors.” The sphynx curls his lips into a smile. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”
“We’re archeologists come to explore the remnants of your civilization and spread the word to today’s ponies.” Daring Do tips her pith helmet to the sphynx. “I’m sure there’s much we can learn here.”
“‘Archeology’ is just a fancy word for ‘tomb raiding’.”
Daring Do gulps as the sphynx looms over them.
“Riddle me this, riddle me that. I… Oh dear. It’s been so long since anyone last ventured in here that I’ve forgotten my riddle. Something about all the gifts of life being within these walls. Or was it ‘the words you read, the songs you sing’?” The sphynx slams a paw into his face. “I had one job.”
“Tough break. If you think of it, mail it to us. We’ll just see ourselves out.” Daring Do starts pushing Flitter back the way they’d come, deftly stepping around the distracted sphynx.
The sphynx tuts his tongue. “Technically, I had two jobs. The second was to devour anyone who couldn’t solve my riddle. If I can’t ask the riddle, then it goes without saying that you can’t solve the riddle, can you?” He licks his lips.
“That’s not very sporting of you.”
The sphynx motions to a wall completely covered in slash marks indicating days that had passed by. “Give me a break. It’s been a long time since I last ate.” He points to the other walls and the ceiling, all of which are also completely covered in slash marks. “A very, very long time.”
“And who’s fault is that?” Flitter trots up to the sphynx and pokes him in the chest. “Did you ever think about, I dunno, leaving this dank, dark, lonely ruin?”
“I can’t leave.”
“Sure you can! It’s easy. Follow us to the exit, and join the modern world.”
“I can’t. You’ve seen the entrance. I’ll never fit through there.”
Flitter blinks. “Seriously? That’s your big excuse? Weak.”
“The priests would execute me.”
“You mean the priests that have been dead for millennia? Trust me when I say they don’t care anymore.”
Daring Do starts backing away from Flitter. It’s noble of the mare to sacrifice herself so Daring can get away. She’ll make sure her next book is dedicated to Flitter. Daring also vows to avenge the brave mare’s death. In fiction, anyway.
“You’re big enough to smash right through. It’s a wonder you didn’t do that centuries ago. Look at these working conditions! This place is falling apart around you. What’s your dental plan look like? Retirement? For that matter, who’s paying you to guard these ancient ruins? The civilization that built this temple collapsed thousands of years ago!”
“Pay?”
“Yeah. You know, getting money for your services. What are you getting out of this whole guarding the temple forever and ever thing, anyway?”
The sphynx blinks. “All I can eat tomb raiders.”
Flitter gestures to all the slash marks on the wall. “How’s that working out for you?”
The sphynx sinks to the ground and buries his face in his paws. “I’ve wasted my life.”
Daring Do’s jaw drops as she watches Flitter pat the sphynx’s chin. “No you haven’t! If you’ve lived this long, you probably have a long time ahead of you yet. Don’t fret over the things you could have been doing all these years. Focus on what you will be doing soon! Still feeling hungry? We have pizza, and ice cream, and all kinds of great things that didn’t exist in your time! Wait ‘til you try them! I’m Flitter, and this is the greatest archeologist of all time, Daring Do! What’s your name?”
“You can call me Mr. Jinks.”
“When was the last time you had a friend, Mr. Jinks?”
The sphynx points to a pair of miniature headstones labeled ‘Pixie’ and ‘Dixie’. “There were these two meeces a few centuries ago. But they’re not so much fun now. They also weren’t very good friends.”
“Do you want to join us? The world has changed so much since you were last outside. I think you’ll like it!”
Mr. Jinks taps a paw to his chin, considering Flitter’s words.
Story #236 Title: Alone Keyword: Shy Characters: Sweetie Swirl Hero/Villain
Sweetie Swirl hasn’t left her house in three days. She sits alone, staring out the window at the late winter landscape. The snow is melting, the pegasi have seen to that. Her daffodils are already poking through the ground. She’s not an earth pony and has no magic over plants, but she’s come to an understanding with her daffodils: she doesn’t touch them, and they come up beautiful every year. She resists the urge to go outside and nibble on one – that would break the unspoken agreement with the plants.
Sweetie sighs and contemplates how that’s the story of her life. She lets others do their thing, and hopes they choose to include her. They rarely do.
Sweetie doesn’t approach ponies often, preferring to let them come to her. She tries to make herself enticing enough to want to be friends with, without actually taking the initiative of putting herself out there. It’s not that she doesn’t have a few friends, though perhaps it would be more correct to say she has acquaintances. Mostly the ponies who just don’t seem to fit in anywhere they go. She knows her brain processes things differently from everypony else, which is a drawback in a herd species. She tends to be the odd one out even among those closest to her, the dissenting opinion.
She’s genuinely nice, and she often wonders if other ponies don’t trust that. They see somepony like that as any number of fictional characters who act nice until the plot twist reveals they were the villain all along.
There’s a book series she’s fond of. It’s meant for fillies and colts, but it has a message of friendship, love, and tolerance. It radiates hope, even in the bleakest of times. She likes it because it’s cute and she loves the message. Despite that, she thinks there’s something broken inside her, because she just doesn’t get it. She tries so hard to be nice and as inoffensive as possible. She’s about as intimidating as a kitten. No, scratch that. Sweetie Swirl is less intimidating than that – kittens have sharp, pointy things called claws.
Part of her problem is she’s shy. But that doesn’t explain all of it. She knows she’s doing something wrong. But what? On the rare occasions she actually takes the initiative she gets blown off, or she feels like an unwanted third wheel.
Sweetie Swirl hasn’t left her house in three days. It’s been three days since her last contact with another equine. She knows it’s nice outside today because she can see fillies and colts playing outside. They’re not wearing scarves or boots, and they’re having a grand old time. She confirms that when she opens her door and grabs her mail. She debates going for a walk and at least enjoying the weather and getting some exercise.
She just doesn’t want to be alone anymore. She knows she’s not going to find friends just sitting there. She wishes she knew where to go.
She shuffles through the mail: bill, junk mail, bill, flyer for Trotter’s Cider Bar. The last item piques her interest.
Hook: Thistle Whistle is a pegasus with a very unique phobia. She’s terrified of clouds. Did I mention she’s a pegasus?
Story #248 Title: Overcast Keyword: Cloud Character: Thistle Whistle Hero/Villain
You don’t normally do house calls, but Thistle Whistle’s a special case. She leaves the house a few times a year, and only under very specific circumstances. You check the sky and it’s partly cloudy. You consider it to be a pleasant day, as would most ponies. It’s not too hot, nor too cold. The clouds are giving the right amount of shade, and there’s a gentle breeze blowing.
You knock on her door and the slats on the blinds move as Thistle looks outside. She’s not looking to see who’s calling on her, rather her eyes on the sky. You hear hoofbeats approach the door and she unlocks it. “It’s open,” she calls as her steps retreat back into her house.
“Good morning, Thistle Whistle. How are you doing today?” you ask politely.
“I was doing okay until I looked outside.” She whistles nervously at the end of her sentence. “It’s very cloudy out there today.” It doesn’t matter if the clouds are stormy thunderheads, white and fluffy cumulus clouds, or wispy cirrus clouds, she’s terrified equally by all of them.
On the surface, it seems like an irrational fear, yet her deep-rooted phobia stems from a traumatic event when she was a young filly. Periodically, she opens up about what happened on the fateful day she experienced rapid lift due to a thermal under a cumulus, a meteorological event known as ‘cloud suck’. An older, stronger pegasus would’ve had a chance of breaking free, but young Thistle was trapped in the storm cloud for hours, exposed to lightning, frigid temperatures, and a wall of precipitation.
You’ve brought some show and tell today: a little bit of cloud. Gathered by the de facto head of the pegasi, Star Catcher, she’s entrusted it to you to use as therapy for Thistle Whistle. You’re not sure it’ll help, but it’s worth a try. Legend has it that thousands of years ago, ponies relied on a mythological two-legged beast known as ‘Megan’ to solve all of their problems. But she’s long gone, if she ever existed at all, and it’s to you to solve this mare’s problems as best you can.
“I think today we’re going to try having you face your fears head on.” You open the container with the cloud and Thistle jumps backwards in terror as the fluffy white wisp floats toward her. She tries hiding under her dining room table as the cloud drifts toward the ceiling.
You sigh as the cloud dissipates and Thistle curls into the fetal position on her floor. This has been a complete and utter failure. You pull Thistle off the floor and help her calm down, apologizing profusely for bringing a cloud into her home.
Your therapy session with Thistle is interrupted when Green Apple pounds on the door to Thistle’s house. “Thistle, we need your help! An updraft just took Minty’s balloon! She’s trapped up there!”
You look at Thistle Whistle. She rocks on her hooves and whistles. “Can’t Star Catcher go get her?”
“She’s visiting Butterfly Island with Skywishes. Morning Monarch, Royal Rose, and Honolu-loo are already chasing after Minty,” Green Apple explains.
“Honolu-loo’s just a filly.” Thistle pales, remembering what happened to her all those years ago. She turns to you and asks, “What do you think I should do?”
Hook: When Discord helped petrify the villainous trio, he neglected to tell the princesses he’d made it so they could hear each other’s thoughts. No one would have predicted Queen Chrysalis and Lord Tirek would fall in love, least of all themselves.
Story #249 Title: Stone In Love Keyword: Jailbreak Characters: Lord Tirek, Queen Chrysalis, Cozy Glow Hero/Villain
The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and the statues in the Canterlot Gardens are being polished. The maintenance crew is oblivious to the conversation going on inside one particular statue as they clean its dais.
Mortals have no true concept of ‘eternity’. Waiting three hours in line to get tickets for a concert is ‘an eternity’ or saying ‘I haven’t seen you in forever’ when in reality it’s merely been a few months. Discord had spent more than a thousand years as a statue. He’d been surrounded by other statues, but they were just that – stone. He alone among them had once been ‘alive’, though to him ‘life’ was merely a concept. He’d never been confined to his physical body before, and it caught him by surprise to learn that he could be.
He’d been trapped all those years with nothing but his own thoughts. He considered it preferable to what he had inflicted upon the villainous trio that had defied him and stolen his chaos magic. Frozen in stone forever, he’d ensured that they would forever be subjected to each other’s thoughts. He couldn’t think of anything that they’d enjoy less.
If either Celestia or Luna noticed that Discord had woven the ability for the trio to communicate with one another into the spell, neither raised an objection. For the next few decades, things worked exactly as Discord had imagined. Tirek, Chrysalis, and Cozy Glow got on one each other’s nerves, and all three were powerless to do anything about it. If one had a thought, the other two would know it.
It was naught but a minor inconvenience for Chrysalis. She’d infiltrated mind readers before, and she just channeled her thoughts into a never ending stream of pure rage directed at Discord, Starlight Glimmer, the princesses, ponies, other creatures, logs, and pretty much everything else. Her mind was toxic: if she thought about it, she thought about it with disdain, and that hatred disguised some of her real thoughts.
Tirek was older and wiser than the deposed changeling queen. He made no effort to disguise his thoughts, content that they’d be above reproach.
It was worst for Cozy Glow. A filly barely old enough to have her cutie mark was forced to share all of her thoughts with an ancient centaur and the former queen of the changelings. They had experience and maturity. They had no patience at all for her foolish antics or cutesy act. Neither of them liked ponies in general, let alone Cozy Glow in particular.
Cozy Glow couldn’t stop thinking. She’d had a horrible poker face when she was free, and had rarely been able to keep her emotions in check. She’d never even tried to learn to guard her thoughts. Within days of their shared confinement, the other two knew practically everything there was to know about the adolescent pegasus – her past, her aspirations, her likes and dislikes, and even who she’d had a crush on. Her life was an open book to them, and they mocked her mercilessly for it.
Discord was an entity of chaos. Sanity was a concept he didn’t put much stock in. He hadn’t even considered that having one another there to converse with would keep the trio sane. They’d driven one another up the wall, but they hadn’t driven each other truly crazy.
Tirek and Chrysalis eventually bonded over their mutual dislike of the filly. It had taken decades, but they’d gone from slinging insults at one another as casually as they’d thrown them at Cozy Glow, to only directing them toward the third member of their group. Cozy Glow was a smart filly – she caught on before they did. Suddenly she had ammunition to use against them.
Tirek and Chrysalis, sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G…
Foolish child. As if I could be insulted by a mere schoolyard taunt. Tell me, was she this annoying when you were stuck in Tartarus with her?
More so. When she could move she made things like friendship statues out of pebbles, and at least when she thinks about annoying pop songs, they’re in tune, unlike when she would sing them with her own lungs. Really, petrification is an improvement over life with Cozy in Tartarus.
You two aren’t denying it. Chryssie and Tirek love each other. If Cozy could still move her tongue, she’d have stuck it out.
I’m above such petty things as emotions. I feast upon them. If ever there was a creature that knows all there is to know about feelings, it’s me. If I was in love, I’d know it.
Likewise, did you learn nothing from me at all when we corresponded all those years ago? I told you that love was just a pointless distraction. Of course, now we know that you had that silly crush on…
Don’t say it! I will end you! Petrification hadn’t mellowed the filly’s temper in the least.
How do you plan on doing that? You’re no more capable of ending me than I am of terminating you. Even if you weren’t confined, I’ve no reason to fear a pathetic urchin such as you. Just as I’ve no reason to fear Queen Chrysalis, beautiful as she is.
You charming centaur.
Ugh. Please stop. Just… stop. Do you have to torment me every living moment of every day?
Yes! Chrysalis and Tirek exclaimed in unison.
Golly, I’m too young to be hearing about all that stuff. You’re going to ruin my innocence. I don’t want to hear about all that kissing and hugging things adults do.
I sometimes forget she’s still a child, Chryssie. She has such a devious mind.
But it would be fun to break that mind.
Perhaps, but we’re stuck with her. If we break her, we have to deal with what’s left for eternity.
She’d be quieter.
Tempting.
Hey! My mind isn’t some delicate little flower! Cozy’s objections were met with laughter.
I suppose that if Cozy’s going to call us out, I’ll admit it. I love you, Chryssie.
As much as I hate using that word, I suppose I must admit that I’ve come to love you, too, Lord Tirek.
There’s no need for formality. Just Tirek will be fine.
Ewww! You two really are in love.
If Chrysalis could’ve smiled, she would’ve.
Crack.
The statue split apart and rubble littered the pedestal. Chrysalis was the first to stand up. She focused on her horn… but nothing happened. She reached a horrifyingly intact hoof to her skull and realized in frustration she no longer had a horn. With no holes in her hooves, she feared what she would see in her reflection. She forced herself to look into the polished marble base that had once supported their statue and cringed. She was an earth pony. A drab gray mare with teal hair.
She turned to look at Tirek, who’d sprouted wings. Now a red pegasus with a black mane, he was still muscular, but not as strong as an earth pony.
The third member of their party… was still encased in stone.
Hook: Cozy Glow has a lot of time on her hooves to think.
Story #256 Title: My New Statue Keyword: StonyPony Characters: Cozy Glow, Toola Roola Hero/Chaos/Villain
A statue of Cozy Glow. There was a time that had you asked the filly, she would’ve happily responded that there should be many statues of her. Now, however, she was firmly of the opinion that just one statue of her was one too many.
This wasn’t how it was supposed to end. She was supposed to be ruling Equestria with an iron hoof. Where had she gone wrong? Obviously, counting on either Tirek or Chrysalis to be useful was a fatal miscalculation. Fatal? That prompted a new line of thought. Could she die inside the statue, or would that only happen if the statue was somehow destroyed? Or was she stuck here alone with her thoughts until the end of time, slowly going insane and wishing she was dead? Would they eventually release her? Would Twilight or Starlight or somepony else feel guilty for sentencing a child to an eternity of torment? Twilight was gullible like that. Cozy made a mental note to plan for that contingency.
But not now. She was tired. So very tired. Being stuck permanently in one position shouldn’t be exhausting, yet it was hard to tell when she was awake and coherent or just dreaming. It didn’t help that she was the highest point of the statue, a fact that the pigeons took full advantage of. Part of her didn’t want to be released. She’d never feel clean ever again. Even if all the bird doo was on the statue encasing her, even if it all broke away with the stone… the memory of it would always be there. She could feel it through the stone. Was the stone actually her coat, or was there an outer coating of rock encasing her?
So many questions and so few answers. Such was the ‘life’ of a statue. She could feel, but she couldn’t see, hear, or speak. Thankfully, that meant her companions couldn’t voice their own thoughts, most of which were no doubt blaming her for their failure, completely unfairly, when it was obviously their own shortcomings that had brought them to their current situation.
In short, being stuck as a statue was even worse than being confined to Tartarus. At least there she could move. She could talk to Tirek and annoy him with friendship gestures. She could still have some semblance of fun. But here? It was the same thing day in and day out. Stay still, scheme a little bit, fantasize about the future when she’d inevitably be free, and feel the birds continue to defecate on her face. When she was free, and finally able to claim the title of Empress of Equestria, her first decree was going to be that pigeons would be hunted to extinction. Why had Discord refrained from wiping the foul creatures out permanently once he’d been freed from confinement? She decided it was probably Fluttershy’s doing.
A pink earth pony filly with rainbow hair and a paintbrush cutie mark approaches the statue. But what’s Toola Roola carrying in her saddlebags?
Hook: The Dreamlands have reunited, but that doesn’t mean they’ve put aside their differences.
Story #257 Title: Creative Differences Keyword: 1980s Characters: Minty, Blue Belle, Snuzzle (The Dreamlands) Hero/Chaos/Villain
The Dreamlands’ first album had been a raging success. The lead single had leapt up Maretime Bay’s chart to land squarely in the number one position. Positions two through ten were soon filled with more of their singles… and even a couple of their filler tracks.
Success had gone to their heads. The expectations for their follow-up album were unrealistic, and it crashed and burned upon release. They each had their own idea of how the band’s sound should progress, and the end result was a compromise, featuring songs with three very distinctive sounds. Critics had been unmerciful, deriding the band’s lack of a coherent vision.
It was only weeks after that that the band broke up. It was years before any of them spoke to one another again. They finally came back together for Bridlewoodstock, and the positive reception by their fans inspired them to go on tour.
But old grievances didn’t take long to resurface…
*****
High on a hill, Canterlogic Arena looms over the town Maretime Bay. The venue is packed with ponies eager to hear The Dreamlands in concert.
Blue Belle dips a hoof into the candy dish the venue has provided, per their contract. She pulls out a hoofful of chocolates in a rainbow of candy-coated colors. “Ew, they didn’t take the brown ones out like I requested.”
Snuzzle rolls her eyes. “They all taste the same. The only difference is the color.”
“But brown is such an icky color.”
“How can you say that? You’re eating chocolate. Chocolate is brown!”
Minty is frustrated at the antics of her friends and bandmates. We have bigger problems than candy. “Will you two grow up already? You’re acting like foals.”
“Yes, your majesty.” As one, Blue Belle and Snuzzle salute. The one surefire way to get the other two to stop arguing with each other is to give them a target they mutually dislike. Minty is getting tired of being the bad guy just to keep the peace.
It doesn’t take long for things to devolve into shouting and name-calling.
“Prima donna!”
“Wanna be!”
“Has been!”
“Never was!”
It sounds more like a playground than backstage at a concert. The concert’s start time comes and goes without any of the members making it out of their dressing room.
Minty finally trots onto the stage to cheers from the audience, but she holds up a hoof to quiet the crowd. She’s alone. “It is with much regret that I inform you that tonight’s concert is…” As she looks out at the faces in the crowd, many of them eager fillies and colts, she doesn’t have the heart to cancel the concert. “Is going to be a solo act. Blue Belle and Snuzzle are sick…” She couldn’t lie to the audience either – their fans deserve to hear the truth. “…Of me.”
She chuckles nervously at her joke. “The Dreamlands are having some creative differences at the moment. I think we may have just disbanded. But the show must go on. I understand if you want a refund. Blue Belle and Snuzzle are still here on the premises. Maybe… maybe if you make enough noise they can be convinced to come out and join me on stage and turn this into a farewell concert instead.” Tears stream from Minty’s eyes. “This is hard for me. We’ve been friends since… since well, as far back as I can remember. I don’t want it to end this way. Again. Ever since Bridlewoodstock all we’ve done is argue. About artistic direction. About album art. About percentages and who’s pulling more weight. We’ve even argued about candy. It was never supposed to be about that. It was never about the money, or even the music. We formed a band so we could always be together. Now we want to…not be together anymore and it’s breaking my heart.”
The crowd stomps – they want the whole band. The sound thunders through the arena, and Snuzzle and Blue Belle can’t help but hear it.
Hook: Heart Throb is a hopeless romantic, and now she’s turned her sights on you.
Story #258 Title: Love Or Something Like It Keyword: Lovesick Characters: Heart Throb, Sundance, Sweet Stuff Hero/Chaos/Villain
It’s a pleasant day in Paradise Estate. No ancient evils have popped up today, so you’re spending your time playing soccer with Heart Throb, Sundance, and Sweet Stuff. Two on two, the first team to 21 points wins.
Sweet Stuff’s a timid earth pony, and she’s reluctant to join your game at first. The last time she played with anyone, the seaponies used her as a goalpost. Only after multiple assurances that you truly want her to play does she finally relent.
Sundance is a clumsy earth pony who can leap further than anypony else. She loves playing games and having fun.
Heart Throb’s a pink pegasus who’s a hopeless romantic who used to chase all the colts when she was a filly. You still remember the time she was infatuated with 4-Speed, constantly kissing him on the playground until he climbed a tree to get away from her. She’s matured, especially after Prince Charming showed up in Ponyland and broke her heart. But she’s still seeking her one true love and having no luck.
It’s you and Heart Throb versus Sundance and Sweet Stuff. It’s not much of a contest. Heart Throb and yourself keep scoring points. You’re both more surefooted than Sundance, and more confident than Sweet Stuff. While you’ve made good on your promise not to use Sweet Stuff as the goal, it hasn’t miraculously made her into a good player. Likewise, taking advantage of Sundance’s stumbling around is too easy.
Not that they can’t score when they’re focused. Sundance’s jumps are a force to be reckoned with, and Sweet Stuff has an annoying habit of sneaking through your defenses, almost as if she’s used to dodging other ponies all the time. Still, even without a mercy rule in effect, with the score 16 to 5, you decide to take it easy on them, allowing them to build up their own score and mount a comeback. It helps build up Sweet Stuff’s confidence, though Sundance is still clumsy more often than not.
The game ends when Heart Throb scores the twenty-first and final point, faking out Sundance and bucking the ball past her into the goal. The final score isn’t as lopsided as it was earlier in the match: 21 to 16, and Sundance and Sweet Stuff concede defeat gracefully. Heart Throb and you celebrate your victory, bumping hooves with the losers, then dancing in joy. As the others trot away, Heart Throb kisses you.
You blink in surprise, and Heart Throb blushes. “Sorry for being so forward. That was a good game and I got a little carried away. But I really do think this calls for a celebration. Would you like to go out for dinner later?” Her romantic intentions are clear, as she brushes a hoof against your leg and flutters her eyelashes.
You’re eating at a cat café when a pair of earth ponies walk in. The purple mare understands and respects local customs, but the green one is oblivious. You continue observing them as you eat.
“This is cat café, Minty. I think you’ll enjoy eating here.”
“But I don’t want to eat a cat, Kimono! I like cats!”
Kimono shoves Minty playfully. “The cats aren’t for eating, they’re for petting. It’s a theme restaurant. The cats walk around while you eat and you can pet them.”
“Kitties! Itty bitty kitties!”
Kimono grabs Minty by her tail. “We need to be seated first. Then you can play with the kitties.”
The server appears and leads them to a table, and Kimono translates the menu for her friend while Minty fidgets. They eventually order, then turn their attention to the cats.
Minty flops on the floor and wiggles her tail, instantly catching the attention of every cat in the café. The closest kitty pounces on her tail, trying to grasp it, but Minty pulls it away. Kimono follows her friend’s lead, dangling her tail to captivate their feline audience.
After observing them for a while, it becomes apparent that these are the perfect mares to star in your new movie. You approach them and introduce yourself. You pay for their meals and lead them back to your movie studio.
The studio is only a few blocks away, and after a quick trot you’re there. You give them a tour and Minty’s eyes go wide as she sees a miniature version of the city. “Oh, this is the world’s coolest diorama!”
You chuckle. “It gets cooler, it’s 100% interactive.”
She oohs in appreciation, reaching a hoof out to touch the nearest building. You shake your head. “Not yet. First, we need to get the two of you ready. Make-up!”
A mare arrives and whisks your two new stars away to get ready for the film. They return, with Minty looking the same, and Kimono sporting butterfly wings made of gossamer and dew. They return to find a robotic Minty waiting for them.
Minty blinks. “There’s a mechanical version of me. Why is there a mechanical version of me?”
“This is the Mecha-Mintzilla™. While Kimono was getting the wing spell placed on her, we scanned your brain and uploaded a copy of it into a robot chassis we had ready to go,” you explain. “The citizens of the city build this in response to your attack, and you’ll battle it throughout the movie.”
You direct Minty through the opening scene. Minty, dressed as a scientist, discovers a breezie, Kimonthra. Kimonthra wants all ponies to know what breezies feel like, so she uses an ancient embiggener to make Minty into a giant pony.
With the paper thin plot taken care of, it’s time to get to what the audience is really there to see – stuff getting destroyed! You lead Minty to the miniature set for the next scene and her eyes get shiny in anticipation.
“I get to stomp all this?” she asks, excitedly.
You nod and she jumps for joy. Miniature buildings are already swaying and the camera isn’t even rolling yet.
“In this scene, you emerge from the water and start demolishing the docks.”
Minty turns around and looks at her tail. “But I’m attached to my dock.” She wiggles the fleshy part of her tail for emphasis.
You sigh and explain. “The marina. You destroy the miniature marina. Do you understand?” Minty nods and you direct her to the water. Once she’s in place, you yell, “Action!”
Minty emerges from the water and starts laying waste to the miniature docks and warehouses. “Now hit the power plant.” Minty obeys your directions and you yell, “Cut! Good work. The power plant is going to explode and drive you back into the ocean. That gives everypony in town time to build the Mecha-Mintzilla™ before your next scene.”
You film some more scenes with the rest of the cast, showing the construction of Mecha-Mintzilla™, explaining how it was made to emulate Mintzilla’s personality. Then it’s time for Minty’s next scene, and she comes ashore in the business district. The camera pans over to a skyscraper, which opens up to reveal Mecha-Mintzilla™.
“Mecha-Mintzilla™ is online. Ooooh! What does this button do?” Mecha-Mintzilla™ pushes a shiny big red button on her chest, and lines of code flash through her eyes. “Self-destruct sequence activated.” Her mechanical lips tremble. “Someone please find my owner’s manual and tell me how to override th…” Mecha-Mintzilla™ explodes mid-sentence.
“Cut!” you yell. That wasn’t supposed to happen. “We’re going to need another Mecha-Mintzilla™.”
The delay costs the production team three days and thousands of bits as the robotic Minty is rebuilt.
The chief of props enters the studio and cheerfully exclaims, “Great news! Mecha-Mintzilla™ has been successfully rebuilt. This time, we have put the self-destruct button on her back, where she can neither see, nor push it.”
You nod, appreciative. You get Minty into position, and resume the scene where you’d left off days prior.
Minty emerges from the water and stomps into the city’s business district, surrounded by miniature skyscrapers as tall as she is.
Mecha-Mintzilla™ Mark II is unleashed, and immediately trips on a subway entrance, flattening several blocks of the miniature downtown as she rolls to a stop. “I meant to do that.” The words have barely left her mechanical lips when they’re followed by the words she’s learned to dread. “Self-destruct sequence activated.” She blinks, large metal eyelids covering the lenses’ serving as her eyes. “Oh Tartarus, not again.”
You facehoof as Mecha-Mintzilla™ Mark II exploding leaves a crater in the set. “Cut.”
After multiple mishaps with Mecha-Mintzilla™, the director of props enters, announcing, “After prior events, we anticipated this situation. We’ve constructed a factory capable of producing a new Mecha-Mintzilla™ every twenty-seven minutes.”
The cost of the movie is spiraling out of control. The studio is going to be upset, but you have faith you can still turn this movie into a smash hit. “Minty, in this scene you destroy the business district, and then Mecha-Mintzilla™ Mark VIII or whatever number Mecha-Mintzilla™ we’re up to now tries to stop you.”
“If there’s one thing I’m really good at, it’s breaking things.”
“Exactly! You can do this, Mints,” Kimono urges from the sidelines, her part in the movie completed. “It’s the duty you were born to perform!”
“I really, really wish I could refute that, but…”
“The evidence does back me up. Remember the candy cane?”
“Yes, among other things. Many, many other things.” Minty sighed.
You manage to get through the scene this time, with things going mostly as scripted. But you’re running over budget and this calls for changes to the script to save money.
Hook: Flitterheart enlists the aid of Starbeam Twinkle to visit the past and see her little sister one last time.
Story #261 Title: Ghosts Of The Past Keyword: TimeTravel Characters: Flitterheart, Starbeam Twinkle Hero/Villain
Starbeam Twinkle is an archmage. While not the most powerful unicorn in Equestria, she’s in the top 1% in terms of talent and raw magical power.
It’s taken years of saving up, but Flitterheart has finally managed to accrue the requisite number of bits to get an audience with one of the few unicorns powerful enough to give her the thing she desires most: a trip to the past to say goodbye to her little sister… and maybe, just maybe, alter the past so her sister can still be with her today, alive and well. But she’ll settle for seeing her treasured little sibling one last time.
“State your business.” Starbeam is not what would anypony would call a ‘herd pony’. She’s cold, distant, and somewhat abrasive. If one could scratch the surface to see beneath the façade, one would discover that this unicorn has experienced trauma in her past. Even with her vast reserves of mana, she keeps everypony at leg’s length to prevent herself from being hurt ever again. To the rest of the world, she’s business-only.
The pegasus in front of her is unremarkable in every way. Pinkish-purple, her coat color is one of the most common in Equestria. Two-toned teal and purple hair matches the pair of hearts on flank perfectly. She could blend into any crowd in Equestria with ease. From her demeanor, Starbeam deduces that she probably uses that to her advantage frequently. This is a mare that’s hiding something. As for what, Starbeam doesn’t particularly care. As long as her fee is paid, and her client doesn’t ask for anything she considers unethical, anything goes… even if a few laws get broken in the process. Her fee buys anonymity.
Flitterheart dumps a bag of bits on the archmage’s desk. “I want to go back to the past.”
“That’s a service I can provide, depending on what your intentions are.”
“I want to see my little sister one last time. Also, I want to see if I can convince my younger self to stop what happens.”
“What did your sister do?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
Starbeam shrugs. “It’s not my business. I just need to determine your intentions. If you’re lying to me, there will be consequences. I don’t allow ponies to give their younger selves financial advice.”
“I’m not lying. My sister has been lost to us for many years now. She’s probably dead by now.”
“Do you have a specific location and point in time to travel to?”
“Yes,” Flitterheart nods, sliding an old photo of a filly’s room to her. “My foalhood home, specifically in the middle of the night on this date.” She hoofs over a well-worn calendar from twenty years ago. “That was when I had the feather flu, so I was quarantining in my room, away from the rest of my family. Most nights my sister would crawl into my bed to snuggle with me. I’d rather see my younger self alone.”
Starbeam has some reservations about what the mare isn’t telling her, but her bits are as good as anypony else’s. She’s also confident that there’s no way the timid pegasus could overpower her. So she grants the request.
With both a photo of the destination and a point in time to reference, Starbeam doesn’t need anything else to get there. With a flash and a pop, they’re gone, twenty years into the past.
Once they’re in the past, it becomes perfectly clear exactly what Flitterheart had been hiding. Starbeam recognizes her younger sister instantly, as would nearly anypony else. It’s Cozy Glow.
Starbeam really can’t blame Flitterheart from hiding this from her, though she would’ve preferred the mare be up front with her. She still would’ve taken the job, even if she’d known.
Hook: Razzaroo’s excited to try out for the cheer squad, only for her school to cut cheerleading out of their budget.
Story #262 Title: Against All Odds Keyword: Cheer Characters: Razzaroo, Sparkleworks, Sunny Daze, Merriweather Hero/Villain
Merriweather looks out over the gathered students in the auditorium. It’s the first day of college for this incoming class, and it’s also her first day as dean. There are changes coming – she has big plans for the school. Some will be popular, while others may create some waves. Especially the next part.
“Furthermore, the cheerleading program isn't important and has been dropped, effective immediately. The funds expended on pom-poms, megaphones, and skirts could be better spent on our hoofball program, which generates significant revenue for the university.”
There’s gasping, much of it coming from backstage. Merriweather has taken the ‘pep’ out of the pep rally. “Everypony is dismissed.”
She trots back to her office, with a smile on her face. She’s saving the school money by getting rid of a superfluous frivolity. Pep rallies are such noisy, boisterous affairs.
Unsurprisingly, there are ponies waiting outside her office, many of them are upset and a few appear to be on the verge of tears. Almost all of them appear to be cheerleaders. The closest to the door is a purple earth pony with a gift wrapped present cutie mark. Merriweather ushers her into the office.
“Can I help you?” Short and to the point – the quicker Merriweather can deal with these disappointed students, the quicker she can get back to what matters.
“Hi, I’m Razzaroo. Today’s my first day here at school, and I’m supposed to have a cheerleading scholarship. Am I being kicked out?”
She waves a hoof, dismissively. “We’ll honor all scholarships. As long as you maintain the appropriate grade point average, you need not worry about meeting any of the other requirements of your scholarship.”
“Thank you.”
“If that’s everything, I’m afraid I’ll need to cut this short. As you saw, there are a lot of ponies in need of my attention at the moment.”
“Well, there’s one more thing.” Razz bites her lip. “I was thinking maybe we could have some fundraisers to support the cheerleading squad. If we were self-sufficient, you wouldn’t need to cut the team, right?”
“I suppose. Though I don’t see how you’ll be able to raise the necessary funds on such short notice.”
“Let us try. If you do that, I can clear out most of the ponies in your waiting room, yes, yes, yes.”
“You do drive a hard bargain. We have a deal, Miss Razzaroo.”
Razzaroo quickly recruits two of her friends and fellow cheerleaders, Sunny Daze and Sparkleworks, to brainstorm fundraiser ideas.
“How about a bake sale?” suggests Sparkleworks. “I bet Sweetberry and Triple Treat would be happy to help bake.”
“Oh! I know. Let’s have a wagon wash.” Sunny Daze’s idea is solid.
“I could check to see if any of the bands would be interested in doing a benefit concert,” Razzaroo suggests.
“Let’s do it!” The three friends bump hooves.
As word spreads around campus, other students start offering support in their own unique ways. Toola Roola organizes an art auction to benefit the cheerleading squad, and Sew-and-So makes new uniforms for the team, in the school’s colors.
In just a week, Razzaroo and her team has earned the bits to save the team. There’s still one last hurdle to clear: Merriweather.
Razzaroo, Sparkleworks, and Sunny Daze trot to Merriweather’s office with the bits they’ve raised. Razzaroo dumps the bits onto the dean’s desk. “We’ve upheld our part of the deal, yes, yes, yes!”
Hook: Daisy Dreams is an excellent student, and she’s got her heart set on attending school on Earth. The only problem is there’s a 1:1 exchange ratio between Earth and Equestria. She needs someone from Earth to go to Equestria in her place.
Story #264 Title: Exchange Student Keyword: College Characters: Daisy Dreams Hero/Chaos
You check the mail as you return home after work. Having just graduated high school, your job is an entry level position. You can’t afford to go to college, but you’ve been considering going to a trade school.
Salutations,
My name is Daisy Dreams, and I’m writing you in the hopes that as a recent graduate, you’d be interested in attending The School of Friendship as part of the Earth-Equestria Exchange Program. You live in the general vicinity of the college I’m in interested in attending. As you may or may not be aware, the exchange is one for one, and without anyone interested in coming to Equestria in my place, I won’t be allowed to attend school on Earth. I’ve already been accepted, so I would be very sad if I can’t go.☹
With this in mind, as many humans haven’t considered Equestrian institutions of learning, the School of Friendship is accepting anyone interested in coming to Equestria who doesn’t have another institution in mind as part of our cultural exchange. Ponies are very big on friendship, and the school was founded by one of our princesses, Twilight Sparkle.
Thank you for considering my request!
Your new friend, Daisy Dreams
There are hearts over the ‘i’s instead of dots, there’s a frownie face, and the entire letter is decorated as if a third grader had written instead of a prospective college student. Next to her signature is a picture of a pair of daisies, no doubt her tattoo thingy, whatever it is that ponies call those brandings on their butts. The entire letter is sickeningly cute.
Your first thought is to crumple it up and toss it in the trash, but the lure of a higher education of some sort is tempting. You look up more details on your phone, discovering that the School of Friendship is tuition-free. Expenses will be minimal, since you’d be staying with Daisy’s family, and she would be staying with your family, here on Earth.
Your parents were disappointed that you weren’t continuing your education, so this would please them. But would they be willing to host a foreign exchange student for four years, especially one with hooves instead of hands?
Going there means being away from your friends and family for four years, as well as needing to learn a new language. Equestria’s technology is more or less nonexistent, at least compared to Earth’s. There’ll be no looking things up on your phone or laptop. Ponies also have a drastically different diet. While there’s some overlap, you’re not sure just how much you’ll be able to stomach. Literally.
But it beats working a dead-end job. You ask your parents about it, and they’re okay with the exchange if you are. That’s the big question, and you tell your parents you’ll think about it. Can you leave everyone and everything you care about behind for four years?
Story #278 Title: Daring Do And The Blue Pearl Of Baytona Beach Keyword: Flashstone Characters: Daring Do, Squirk, Crank Hero/Chaos
Baytona Beach, most famous for the Baytona 500 Wonderbolts derby and being the destination for thousands of college students for a week every spring. The rest of the year, however, it’s a pleasant place to take a relaxing vacation.
With Caballeron and Ahuizotl no longer threats she needed to deal with, A. K. Yearling is taking a break from work for the first time in years. As she lounges on the pure white sands of the world famous beach sipping apple cider, the warm rays of the sun soaking into her tawny coat, all of her worries fade. Here in Baytona, her biggest concern is remembering to apply sunscreen every two hours. She rolls onto her back, exposing her belly to the sun’s warm glow.
She unfolds the official Baytona Beach vacation brochure, scanning it for anything of interest. Even if she isn’t working, she still has an interest in history. Luckily, Baytona is home to a history museum. Daring snickers, expecting the main exhibit to be a history of pony beach attire.
Once inside, she’s pleasantly surprised to see it’s a proper museum – there’s a history of local maritime disasters along one side wall, sites of historical interest on the opposite wall, and various artifacts along the rear wall. Sitting dead center is a scale model of the city, with an interactive display spouting facts about the city’s past. She hates those – she can recite the spiels from the Royal Canterlot History Museum word for word she’s heard it so many times. When had ponies gotten too lazy to even bother reading?
Going through the museum, the only thing to pique her interest is a local pirate claimed to have discovered the Flashstone, a relic from antiquity. Supposedly hidden with the rest of his treasure, it’s never been found. Oddly, despite discovering one of the most powerful artifacts known to ponykind, the museum’s display indicates that he was known to say his greatest treasure was a blue pearl.
After buying a map of the area from the museum’s gift shop, A. K. puts on her trademarked hat and flies toward the coast. Baytona Beach is split by a river, paralleling the coastline. The namesake beach is on one side, while the mainland is on the other. In between are small, mostly uninhabited islands. Daring flies over the islands, evaluating them one at a time. Whizzer Island seems the most promising, so she lands to take a look.
The island boasts a cove, and a solitary home. It seems obvious from the air – how has no pegasus thought to look for the treasure here? The answer becomes quickly apparent – they have. Holes of various sizes mar the island’s landscape. Discarded shovels and broken pickaxes are strewn about at random.
Daring Do lands, and pokes around a few of the holes. If there was ever anything of interest in any of them, it’s long gone now.
“Oh goody, another treasure seeker come to tear up my island.” An elderly blue earth pony with pink and purple hair is standing on the porch of the dilapidated house.
Daring Do has to resist a chuckle. Of all the adventures she’s had, this one is certainly shaping up to be the oddest. Instead of a feral jungle, she’s in a resort town. Her antagonist isn’t a rival archeologist, but an elderly mare basically telling her to get off her lawn. There’s no monster to fight. It’s absurd.
She tips her pith helmet to the mare. “I’m Daring Do. You may have heard of me.”
The mare rolls her eyes. “If I had a bit for every pony that’s come here claiming to be Daring Do, I’d be rich. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there’s no treasure here. As you can tell from all the ponies who’ve been here before you.”
Daring shrugs her wings. “I’m not overly interested in treasure. I’m really looking for something called the Flashstone. The museum that sponsors me would pay a tidy sum to have it in their possession.”
“Is that so? And what, pray tell, does this Flashstone look like?”
“It’s an amulet with a gold chain and a red ruby in the middle.” Daring Do takes a good look at the mare facing her. “Like the one you’re wearing.”
The elderly mare stomps her hooves. “Very good, somepony’s actually done her research. Quite refreshing. So if you know what this is, I presume you know what it does?”
Daring Do starts backing up. The Flashstone isn’t to be trifled with. If that’s the genuine article, she’s in grave danger.
…So pretty much like any other day.
The mare shuffles down the porch stairs, towards the intrepid explorer. “If you want it so badly, come and get it.”
“Ma’am, I’m not in the habit of robbing ponies. I’m an archeologist. If you possess the Flashstone, I’m willing to pay you money for it.”
“I’m listening.” More importantly, she isn’t aiming it at Daring Do.
Before either can continue their conversation a purple lobster scurries across the beach and grabs the amulet from the old mare.
“Horseapples,” the mysterious mare curses. “That was Crank.”
“Who’s Crank?”
“Squirk’s lackey. If Squirk gets his tentacles on the Flashstone, he’ll flood Baytona Beach.”
Daring Do’s familiar with Squirk. Legend has it that the ancient octopus once ruled an undersea empire. But it dried up after he lost control of the Flashstone. She hadn’t counted on him still being alive. With all of her past experiences, she really should have been expecting it.
Squirk emerges from the ocean and Crank runs to him. “I got it, boss!”
The octopus eagerly snatches the amulet away from the lobster, then smacks him away, back into the ocean. With the Flashstone in his control, he aims it at the battered house on the island. Windows shatter as the structure groans. A second blast reduces the nearest wall to ash. The home can’t take that much punishment and collapses.
Daring Do leaps into the air, soaring between tentacles as she desperately tries to grab the Flashstone away from Squirk. The octopus wraps a tentacle around Daring Do, dragging her closer to him. The amulet is in another tentacle, and it’s just out of reach. She reaches into her saddlebags and pulls out her whip with her teeth. With years of practice, it’s no challenge for the adventurer to whip the Flashstone out of Squirk’s tentacle.
With another flick, she whips the tentacle holding her, causing Squirk to release her. Daring Do somersaults across the beach, recovering the amulet.
Hook: Fizzy the G1 unicorn shows up at Trotter’s looking for Fizzy Glitch.
Story #280 Title: Where Everypony Knows Your Name Keyword: Trotters Characters: Fizzy Glitch, Fizzy (G1 unicorn), Green Apple, Wysteria Chaos/Villain
It’s Friday night, and Trotter’s is packed with ponies of all generations. Barley Tender and Caramel Malt are busy trying to set the timeline right, so Green Apple and Wysteria are substituting for them, respectively. Wysteria is zipping here and there, seating patrons and taking orders. It’s noisy in the bar, and a green unicorn slips past her unnoticed, taking a seat at the bar.
“What can I get you?” Green Apple asks.
“Root beer float. Extra whipped cream, hold the cherry.”
“Coming right up!”
Green whips up the drink and has it in front of the newcomer moments later. She takes a sip, smiling appreciatively. “So I hear you’ve got a Fizzy around these parts.”
“Fizzy Glitch. She’s over there.” Green Apple points to the center of the room, where the normally bubbly kirin is sitting silently with Pinkie Pie, Gabby, and Silverstream.
The unicorn chugs her drink, and licks the whipped cream off her snout. She leaves several bits on the counter. “Keep the change.” She walks through the crowded bar, dodging ponies and other creatures.
Pinkie Pie snorts as she finishes another story. “That’s why oatmeal cookies will never, ever be served at Sugarcube Corner ever again. Nopety-nope!”
Silverstream and Gabby giggle, while Fizzy Glitch just stares into the bottom of her empty glass of cider, lost in thought.
“Hey.” Everyone at the table turns to look at the newcomer. “I hear you’re Fizzy.”
“Yup, I’m Fizzy Glitch! And you are?”
“Fizzy. Just Fizzy.” The unicorn squeals in delight. “I guess that makes us twinsies!” She smooshes herself against Fizzy Glitch while Pipp Petals livestreams it to the internet.
“Hey! I’m also Fizzy. Fizzy Pop.” A purple G3 earth pony introduces herself.
“Interesting. I’m Fizzlepop Berrytwist,” adds a unicorn with a broken horn. “But you can call me Tempest Storm.” Despite her friendly demeanor, her imposing figure causes the other ponies around her to back away slowly.
Fizzy Glitch sighs. With everything going wrong she had hoped to ask Pinkie Pie for advice. Opening the Book of All Stories had been a mistake, one that she’s now desperate to rectify. With Pinkie’s expertise on breaking the fourth wall, she’s the pony most likely to be able to help. But dealing with the hyperactive party planner all evening has taken all of her energy, and she doesn’t have the time or patience to deal with this bubbly unicorn. Worst of all, now this interloper has made it so she isn’t even the only Fizzy at Trotter’s anymore. It’s too much for her to deal with at the moment, and she’s not about to let herself be replaced. “There can be only one Fizzy!”
Unicorn Fizzy giggles. “I had the name first.” She sticks her tongue out at the others, teasing them.
“Hey, there’s nothing to get upset over.” Rainbow Dash puffs out her chest and spreads her wings. “Look at me, I’m named after this awesome mare right here!” She puts a wing around a similarly-colored earth pony who’s dressed in style, as always.
“Really, darling, you’ve made my name yours, and I couldn’t be prouder. Rainbow is such a darling name, and such a common one, too.”
“I’m Rainbow Flash,” pipes up a pinkish-purple unicorn.
“Rainbowshine,” adds a pegasus.
“And I’m Island Rainbow.”
Despite their best efforts, the others aren’t helping deescalate the situation. Fizzy Glitch looks to be two seconds away from going nirik, while unicorn Fizzy is spewing bubbles from her horn.
Applejack takes a shot at calming things down. “Hey now, there’s no need to get upset over names. Even I have a fellow Applejack. Two of them, actually.” She stands up and gestures to the silly G1 pony and red G3 earth pony sitting on either side of her.
“Some names even transcend franchises.” A hovercraft parked outside transforms into a giant robot. “I’m Seasprrrrraaaaay. Allow me to introduce my friends: Seaspray, Seaspray, and Seaspray.”
“Shoo-be-doo-shoo-shoo-be-doo.” A G1 seapony sings from a bowl held by the robot as a blue G3 earth pony and a G4 hippogriff jump off the robot’s shoulders.
“Of course, if you really want overkill…” Pinkie Pie shouts, “Hey, Minty!”
A quarter of the ponies in the bar turn to look at her, all of them green. Some have clovers on their flanks, while other have mint candies. Many of them are wearing socks. They all giggle.
“If you think Minty’s a common name, allow me to introduce myself: I’m Sunny Rays.” A yellow pegasus with suns on her flank zips around the room. “And this is Sunny Starscout, this is Sunny Daze, over here’s Mayor Sunny Skies, and here’s another Sunny Daze…” She pauses and points to a human. “Oh, and this is Sunni Westbrook.”
“Hey, having a unique name isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’m the only Whizzer here with good reason. Though even my name could be worse…” The pink pegasus looks over to a yellow earth pony with a pineapple cutie mark.
“Please don’t make me say it.” Cheeks red in embarrassment, the G1 earth pony slumps to the table in defeat as all eyes are on her. “I’m Tootie Tails.”
“Hey! As awful as it is, at least you have a real name,” shouts a Filly Guide, as she hops onto one of the tables. “I’ve been called Thin Mint, Ginger Snap, and Tag-A-Long. I don’t even know what my name is!”
“Let’s not even get started on dragon names,” grumbled Spike.
“I’ve told you all to call me ‘Master Kenbroath Gilspotten Heathspike’ to avoid confusion.”
Hitch Trailblazer chuckles. “This is why I named my baby dragon Sparky.”
The bar is crowded. Everypony has an opinion, and many of them have been voiced. A pair of Raritys sit together, watching the chaos. The silly pink G3 filly unicorn looks on with interest, giggling madly. The elegant G4 fashionista Rarity sips at her drink and wishes she’d ordered a double. The two Raritys are as different as night and day, yet they adore one another.
Fizzy and Fizzy Glitch are still eyeing one another warily. Both are normally bubbly, fun-loving, and happy-go-lucky. It shouldn’t be hard to talk them down from the edge. Wysteria’s new to customer service, but the last thing she wants is for anything to happen to Trotter’s on her watch. Especially not to Fizzy Glitch, a friend of the proprietor’s. She used to be a princess, so she has some experience solving problems. She thinks for a minute, then asks Green Apple whip up the mares’ favorite drinks.
Wysteria clinks a spoon on her own glass of apple cider. “Let’s have a drink. A toast! To the Fizzys!”
The two mares grab their beverages, never looking away from one another.
Cutie marks are important in pony society. A cutie mark is a pony’s sense of identity. An advertisement to the world of their special talent. And it’s the primary reason ponies don’t wear clothes most of the time. Still, periodically a pony has trouble understanding what their mark means, or in some cases, even obtaining their mark in the first place. The Cutie Mark Crusaders are exceptionally aware of just how awful that is to a young pony. Especially when everypony else around you already has their mark.
There’s no profit in resolving cutie mark problems. That isn’t necessarily a problem until you consider all the expenses that went into solving said issues. For the Cutie Mark Crusaders, it’s a labor of love, meaning they didn’t draw paychecks for it, nor did they expect to.
Fortunately for them, they have friends and relatives looking out for their best interests. Princess Twilight had designated them an official branch of the government. Complete with government funding, their own office in Ponyville, and the promise of opening more branches in other towns throughout Equestria. Babs Seed is already wading through the permit process in opening an office in Manehattan.
Since their talents also involve interpreting cutie marks, in addition on how to earn them, they’d agreed to Princess Twilight’s suggestion of a name change. The Ponyville office of the Equestrian Bureau of Cutie Marks had opened to much fanfare, but a surprising lack of business.
With nothing better to do, and an empty office surrounding them, they start thinking up ways they could make themselves at home.
“The walls are so blank.” Sweetie Belle looks around their office. “So boring.”
“Do we know anypony with a cutie mark in interior decorating?” asks Apple Bloom.
“Not that I can recollect. Sure would be nice if we had some sort of database of cutie marks we could refer to.”
“Good idea, Scoots! I bet we could get Featherweight to take photos of everypony’s cutie mark. What do y’all think?”
“Great idea, Apple Bloom!” Scootaloo gestures to the back wall of their office. “We can put the pictures here and really liven up this space!”
“I was thinking more along the lines of some nice portraits, and maybe some decorative lamps…” Sweetie Belle’s protests are unheard over the enthusiasm of her peers.
Featherweight is up to the challenge, and he goes around Ponyville capturing everypony on film. Getting a direct image of somepony’s cutie mark proves challenging, so he adapts on the fly, taking rear ¾ shots of everypony in town. After a few candid shots, he gets the hang of it, taking all of his pictures from the same angle.
It takes him most of the week, and then there’s just one last pony to document. He has to use a tripod and the camera’s timer to get his own flank, but after a few failed attempts he manages to get the angle just right.
Mission accomplished, he trots back to the Crusaders’ office with a stack of hundreds of photos.
He leaves it to the Crusaders to sort the pictures. Categories are created, and they start cataloging the marks alphabetically by theme. Animals is the first theme, and Doctor Fauna, Flitter, Fluttershy, Lily Longsocks, Sandbar, Snails, and many more make up this first category. They end with weather related cutie marks, and Scootaloo objects to Rainbow Dash bringing up the rear of the photo gallery. There are only half a dozen ponies in Ponyville with weather-related cutie marks behind her alphabetically.
The others object to redoing the database from scratch and overrule Scoots.
Business is still slow, so the Crusaders start discussing sending Featherweight to Manehattan to help Babs create her own database of cutie marks. With millions of ponies living in the city, Featherweight would undoubtedly need help to photograph everypony’s cutie mark. There was also no way all those photos would fit on a wall. No, for Manehattan’s cutie mark database, it would require putting the photos into books.
Their plotting is interrupted when Mayor Mare walks in. She exchanges pleasantries with the fillies before her eyes drift over to the wall covered in pictures of pony posteriors.
Hook: We’ve all seen those ‘no shirt, no shoes’ signs. But do they apply to ponies?
Story #300 Title: No Shirt, No Shoes… Keyword: Wardrobe Characters: Rainbow Flash, Feathermay, Lily Blossom Chaos/Villain
You look at your watch – it’s still three and a half hours to quitting time, and there hasn’t been a customer in the store for almost an hour. You’ve straightened the displays up, and stocked the shelves, and there’s nothing else left to do but watch the clock and wish it time would hurry up. Retail… it’s always either incredibly busy or dreadfully slow. There’s no such thing as a happy medium.
You sigh as you pull up a video on your phone. May as well catch up on your social media feeds while you’re stuck waiting. The latest viral video is of a pony bumping her snout on a revolving door. Earth’s infrastructure really hadn’t been built with quadrupeds in mind.
Not that that matters out in the middle of nowhere. Ponies made contact three years ago and you still haven’t seen a single one. Not that you can blame them – if you hadn’t been born here, you never would’ve visited either.
The related videos are more pony ‘fail compilations’ and you click on the next one, idly wondering how badly humans are also bungling things in Equestria. You chuckle, those would be even better videos to watch; pity Equestria is so technologically backwards. There aren’t video cameras in every store, and there’s no infrastructure for cellphones, so they aren’t ubiquitous like they are here.
Three hours and twenty-two minutes until quitting time. It’s only been eight minutes? Will this day never end? You groan and click another video to pass the time.
Movement outside the store catches your eye and you look up from a video of a pegasus chasing a laser pointer. You’re shocked to see a unicorn and two pegasi trying to enter your store. They’re having some difficulty with the sliding door, giving you time to get up and over to them before they can enter.
Your boss is a stickler for the rules, and these ponies are very definitely violating the ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’ policy. The ponies are coming inside. You’re on the spot.
Hook: This unicorn has hit rock bottom. Will it hit back?
Story #302 Title: Cherry Pie, Pet Unicorn Keyword: Pet Character: Cherry Pie Chaos/Villain
It’s a crisp fall day and you’re driving through the countryside on a scenic back road. Time seems to slow down in the country, or maybe you’re just going slower than normal to soak up the sights. Picturesque barns, horses galloping in pastures, a pink unicorn grazing by the side of the road…
You check the rearview mirror to verify that you really had seen that last one. Confirming it with a quick glance, you turn around and head back the way you’d just come. You’ve seen ponies around, and they’re not exactly uncommon, but this strikes you as unusual. You stop and get out of the car, and take note of the signboard you’d missed in passing.
Useless unicorn: Free to good home
You walk up to her. “Uh, hi.”
“Hi,” she responds, not looking up. Instead she nibbles on some clover.
What do you even say to a unicorn? “Interesting sign.”
She shrugs.
“Can I ask why you’re giving yourself away? This is normally frowned on.”
“Because I’ve got nowhere left to go. I’ve seen it in the eyes of so many humans since I arrived on Earth. You all want a pet pony. So here’s your chance to have your very own pet unicorn. Do you have kids? They’ll love me! Are you a dog person or a cat person?” She continues, not giving you a chance to respond, “It doesn’t matter! If you throw a ball, I’ll fetch it! If you sit in your armchair, I’ll hop on your lap and purr. With a unicorn, you get the best of both worlds!”
She’s a horrible salespony.
“Please, kind human!”
“Kind human?” you ask, repeating her words.
“Kind pony? Um, what term of endearment do humans prefer?”
“We usually use ‘sir’, ‘miss’, or ‘ma’am’ when addressing one another.” You facepalm. “Have you no dignity?”
“None left, kind sir, miss, or ma’am! That was auctioned off with the rest of my assets to pay my debts when my bakery went out of business. I’m also told they’ll garnish any potential future wages until I pay everything back.”
“You bake?” you ask, ignoring the fact that she just addressed you as ‘sir, miss, or ma’am’.
“Of course! I make great cherry pies, cherry cobblers, cherry cheesecakes, chimicherries, cherrychangas…”
“Anything without cherries in it?”
“…Not so much.” She turns to present her cutie mark, a pie topped with a cherry. “My talent really only works if cherries are one of the ingredients. I’m kind of a one-hit wonder.”
“I’m starting to understand why your bakery failed.”
“Hey, it’s not like anything I bake without cherries is awful or anything, it’s just it never turns out as good if it doesn’t have cherries in it.”
“What else can you do?”
“Lots of things!” Her horn lights up and she levitates a few balls from her saddlebags, which she proceeds to juggle. “I’ve been entertaining at kids’ birthday parties. I get all the birthday cake and ice cream I can eat.” She sighs. “I’m willing to work for you. I can do chores around the house to earn my keep.”
“Well then you’re not useless.”
She grabs a marker from her bag and scribbles ‘mostly’ in front of ‘useless’ on her sign. “Happy?”
You groan. Cherry Pie is obviously full of self-doubt and self-loathing, and she’s likely depressed. You can’t just leave her here, can you?
Hook: Negotiating with ponies is significantly different than dealing with humans.
Story #303 Title: Unfair Advantage Keyword: Trade Character: Ploomette Chaos/Villain
Everyone thinks diplomats lead great lives, but you know the truth – while there are plenty of perks, there are downsides, just like any other career. Presidents, kings, and dictators alike make promises, and it’s up to people like you to make sure those actions get carried out.
Your current task is to address the current trade imbalance with Equestria. That means dealing with the shortcomings of your predecessor, who’d caved in to all of Equestria’s demands, and was subsequently removed from the post. You’ve inherited the position, and are now in charge of rectifying those previous mistakes.
You’re up against Ploomette, a duchess in her home country. She has a bunch of titles, but the only one that’s relevant is Equestrian Permanent Representative to the United Nations. She’s an adorable pink pegasus with a mane that’s all the colors of the rainbow. You’ve been chosen specifically because you’re immune to cuteness. Kids selling cookies for a school fundraiser? You tell them ‘no’. Sign advertising ‘free kittens’ by the side of the road? You keep on driving. You’re cool, calm, and collected; as cold as ice. Nothing can thaw your frozen heart – certainly not a cute little pony. Your predecessor was weak, whereas you are strong.
You march into the Equestrian Consulate General in New York City, head held high. The building is literally a castle, which looks ridiculously out of place amongst towering skyscrapers. You’ve given Ploomette the home court advantage, in the hopes that it’ll make her complacent. You like it when others underestimate you. It makes it so much easier to pull the rug out from under them at the last second.
The consulate is decorated with Equestrian artifacts and maps of Equestria, as well as portraits of ponies with both a horn and wings. You recognize them as the leaders of the pony nation. It’s said that to merely be in the presence of one of the alicorns is to have your will bent to their whims. You haven’t had the opportunity to meet an alicorn yet, but you’re confident that if the day ever comes that you do, you’ll have them eating out of your hand. The Equestrian princesses rarely visit Earth, leaving things to their ambassador, Prince Blueblood, and Ploomette, who’s much more accessible and personable than the egotistical prince.
You’re punctual for your meeting. Not so early as to seem anxious or overeager, and not late as to be disrespectful. Ploomette’s time is valuable, as is your own, and you’ll treat her with the same courtesy as anyone else. Her secretary gives you a cheery smile and waves you right into the duchess’ office.
You start with the request you know will be denied for multiple reasons. Your country manufactures trucks and would like to sell them in Equestria, but you also know Equestria doesn’t have the infrastructure, nor do they want gasoline or diesel-powered vehicles polluting their country. Their electrical grid is currently incompatible, and hydrogen fuel cell vehicles are a niche market at best. Equestria’s not going to be on wheels any time soon.
Ploomette shoots down your proposal instantly, as expected. There’s give and take, and your strategy is to ask for far more than you actually want, with the hopes of compromising close to your intended goals.
One area where Equestria is lacking is mass-production techniques. There are plenty of other products that could be sold in Equestria with little to no local competition. Cosmetics and toys & games are the two areas you’ve highlighted in particular. Getting your foot in the door to even one of these industries would be a win. You segue into conversations on cosmetics.
Ploomette’s response is negative. Unless you can guarantee none of your country’s cosmetics are tested on animals, she won’t even consider their importation into Equestria.
That leaves you with only one objective left, and that’s getting her to lower tariffs on imported toys. Ploomette isn’t in a position where she can remove the tariffs, but she can make a recommendation to do so. She’s reluctant to. Unsurprisingly, toys are traditionally made in the pony’s homeland, and allowing mass-produced toys in would decimate the local toymakers. She opens a cabinet behind her desk, revealing a collection of Matchbox cars.
For the same price as one traditional toy, a foal could have a dozen Matchbox cars. She opens a desk drawer and reveals a battered plush cat toy from her own childhood. Its construction is superior compared to similar products available on Earth. The stitching is exquisite, and one can tell the toymaker was quite proud of their work. That single toy probably took a day for one pony to make, whereas a factory could churn out thousands of identical items in the same time.
Thus far, you’ve dominated the conversation and Ploomette has made no mention of any concessions that Equestria might want from your country. These meetings are never one-sided. If Equestria didn’t also want something, this meeting wouldn’t be taking place. Rather than beat around the bush, you ask her what Equestria wants.
“Raise your quota of immigrants.”
That is sure to get a mixed reaction back home, with some saying there are already too many ponies in the country. A position that’s firmly held by your leader.
“Please?” She looks up at you with big, expressive blue eyes. Her lip is slightly quivering, making it appear as if she might cry if you turn her down. For all practical intents and purposes, she’s weaponized cuteness.
Hook: Cozy Glow’s disembodied spirit must make a real friend or she’ll be petrified for eternity. She’s been wandering Equestria looking for a pony gullible enough to trick into being a friend.
Story #305 Title: Never Fade Away Keyword: Ghost Characters: Minty, Cozy Glow Chaos/Villain
It’s Friday night, and some ponies are out on dates, and others are hanging out with their friends, but Minty is alone like usual. The clumsy mare has few friends and even fewer interests – but she’s Ponyville’s premiere collector of socks. If she was a rich mare, most ponies would call her ‘eccentric’. Since she lives paycheck to paycheck, everypony just thinks that she’s ‘weird’ instead. Questionable life choices aside, Minty is happy, but lonely.
After she was done eating dinner, it was time for her normal evening routine. Minty opened her closet and her sock collection spilled out onto the floor. She started putting all of them on, one set at a time, modelling them to nopony but her mirror. Some are cute, others plain, and a few even emphasize her flank in a way she hopes will catch a stallion’s eye someday. Preferably soon, before she’s an old gray nag.
As she was done with each of the socks, she piled them on her bed. When she was completely finished, Minty started rolling around on top of them.
“Minty…”
Minty stops, then rolls onto her stomach, examining the socks underneath her. This is unusual behavior from her socks – some sparkle, while others glow by night, but none of them have ever spoken to her before.
She prods them all individually. “Hello? Little sock? Which one of you is calling me?”
“I’m not a sock!”
Minty giggles nervously. “Yeah, that would be kind of silly.” Minty drops the sock and turns her attention to her stockings instead.
“I’m not a stocking, either!”
Minty drops the stockings. “So what are you and where are you?”
“I’m right here. I’m a pony, or at least I used to be. I’m not sure what I am now.”
“I don’t see anypony. Am I talking to myself again? I must be getting really good at it if I can even change my voice from one response to another!”
“Minty, Minty, Minty. You’re not imagining this.”
“If you’re a disembodied voice, how do you know my name?”
“I know a lot of things about you, Minty. I’ve been here for a long time, watching you.”
“Oh, that makes sense.” Minty’s eyes fly open in dread. “Wait. How long, exactly, have you been here?”
“Long enough. Yes, I know about that. And that. And that. And let’s not forget the crackly little pieces.”
Minty winces.
“Look, I’m not here to judge you. I’m probably the last pony who should be judging anyone.” She materializes in front of Minty, a transparent pink filly with curly blue hair. “You may have heard of me. My name is Cozy Glow.”
Minty screams and jumps behind the couch. “Ghost villain!”
“Yeah, I probably deserve that.” Cozy floats through the couch, sticking her head out the other side. “Boo.”
Minty screams again and leaps over the couch… or at least tries to. One of the clumsy mare’s hooves catch on the couch and she trips over it, knocking it over in the process.
“Okay, seriously, before you injure yourself. I’m not here to haunt you. My spirit separated from my body when they petrified me, and part of my punishment is that I need to befriend somepony for real. If I can do that, I’ll be freed from my prison. I’ve been wandering around Equestria ever since, searching for somepony gullible.”
“Then look no further! Everypony calls me the most gullible pony in all of Equestria! You know, I really should look up what that word means one of these days…”
Cozy Glow quickly changes the subject before Minty can learn the meaning of the word. “How long has it been since then?”
“The Battle of the Bell was more than four years ago.”
The transparent filly stares at the floor. “Golly, that’s a long time to think about what I did. I was wrong, so very wrong. I want to start over. Do you think everypony can find it in their hearts to forgive me?”
Minty shrugs. “I’ve done a lot of really stupid things over the years and ponies always forgive me.”
“I think I’ve gone a little further than breaking the Hearth’s Warming candy cane. Which was an accident, if I remember correctly. My acts were rather intentional.”
“Are you sorry?”
“I… I don’t really know. I’m sorry I failed. I’m sorry I’m a statue. I know what I did was wrong, but at the same time I’m not sure I’m sorry for doing it in the first place.”
“I guess I’d be willing to be your friend, Cozy. But only if you promise me you’ve changed.”
You’re sitting in a pizza parlor, across the table from your friend, Sunny Rays. She’s a yellow pegasus with pink and purple hair, and you’ve been friends ever since she started working at the same company as you, months earlier. She’s energetic and fun to be around. She likes going out and doing things, which is a far cry from your other stick-in-the-mud coworkers who never want to hang out.
Sunny Rays had come here specifically to start a weather wrangling business, only to be disappointed to find out that international treaties forbid interfering with the weather. Weather work runs in her veins, as she’s the latest in a line of weather managers going back generations in her family. Her grandmother is still the Regional Weather Coordinator for the entire Seaddle-Tackoma-Vanhoover metropolitan area, a fact she’s quick to brag about. She desperately wants to be up there in the clouds.
Despite that, she’s never let it get her down. Earth has a lot to see and do, and she intends to experience as much of it as she can. She’s stated more than once her intentions to go home to Equestria, but not yet. Even without her saying it, you can tell why. She has unfinished business. She won’t be happy until she’s flown in a storm on Earth. Feral weather. It’s more than a burning desire, it’s a primal urge. Her call of the wild.
Your pizza is brought out. The two of you may be great friends, but you have vastly different ideas on what appropriate toppings are for pizza. You’ve agreed to disagree and settled for extra cheese, the one thing neither of you object to.
You trade stories while you eat. Sunny enjoys hearing your stories from Earth as much as you enjoy hearing her tales of Equestria.
Sunny Rays’ ears swivel as your cellphone beeps. She knows what that sound means – it’s a weather alert.
“What was that?” Sunny Rays studies the weather like some of your other coworkers analyze football players for their fantasy leagues. She knows, as you do, that no inclement weather has been forecast for today.
You read the alert to her, “The National Weather Service has issued a severe thunderstorm warning for…” You skip ahead, letting her know that your county is included in the area. “Looks like its a line of rogue storms coming in off the ocean.”
She’s practically vibrating with excitement. “Just like back home. Those are always the most dangerous storms. Never know what you’re going to get.” She pounds a hoof on the table for emphasis, cracking a bit of Formica off the edge of the tabletop.
In the pegasus’ excitement, she’s forgotten something. “You left the top down.”
Sunny disappears outside, putting the convertible roof up on her Mustang. Like many ponies, she’s customized the ‘galloping pony’ emblem with her own colors. Mustangs are popular with ponies. So much so, that many ponies put Mustang emblems onto cars that aren’t Mustangs. The weirdest you’ve seen is a toss-up between a Mustang-badged AMC Gremlin and a galloping pony-adorned Volvo station wagon.
You can see her out the window. She’s looking up at the clouds. You know what she’s thinking. You take another bite of your pizza, then walk outside. “Sunny.” You put a hand on her withers.
She leans into your hand, butting against it. Her muscles are tensed, like a cat about to pounce. You give her ears a scratch, trying to calm her. “It’s coming. I can feel it.” She looks up at you. “I need to do this.”
“This isn’t Equestria. There are all kinds of hazards up there. Planes, drones, helicopters… You might not even see something coming until it’s too late.”
Her tail lashes back and forth as she fights with conflicting emotions. You know she’ll never be happy until she’s up there, feeling an Earth storm for herself.
[CHOICE]Do you let Sunny Rays fly into the storm or try to talk her out of it?
Yawning with her mouth closed is perhaps the most important skill Port-o-bella ever learned. The so-called actor chatting her up has a résumé about as impressive as playing a rock in a school play – and a personality almost as dull. She looks at her watch and excuses herself from the conversation.
She scans the room as she grabs a dessert from the refreshment table. There’s a healthy mix of has-beens and never-weres, but so far the actors and actresses attracted to this open audition have failed to impress. She sighs and eats her brownie.
“Great choice! Those are super good! I’ve had like five of them already!”
“I should hope so, I baked them myself,” she replies.
“In that case, my compliments to the chef!” The plump white earth pony helps herself to a sizeable piece of raspberry cheesecake. “Are you the caterer?”
She quirks an eyebrow. For an actress to not recognize her is surprising, and more than mildly amusing. “Not exactly. Though I do know my way around the kitchen.”
“It shows. Did you make this cheesecake too?” The generous slice she grabbed has already completely disappeared into her mouth. “This is totally the best cheesecake I’ve ever had! I like the way the raspberries are blended into the cheese instead of being piled up on top. That gets so messy, and then I end up wearing half of it.”
“I did.” Port-o-bella beams. “Your enthusiasm is refreshing. I didn’t catch your name?”
“Oh! I’m terribly sorry! Where have my manners gone? I’m Plumsweet!”
“Well, Plumsweet, I think you’re just the pony we’re looking for.”
Plumsweet gulps. “Uh, I’m sure I can explain… Wait, why were you looking for me?”
“We’re looking for an actress to host our new cooking program. As the only pony here to pay attention to the food, you’ve proven to be the most qualified for the job.”
“I’m sorry. I’m not an actress. I just smelled the food and saw the sign saying ‘come in’ so I uh, came in and helped myself.”
“Splendid! This is an ‘open’ audition after all. Acting experience isn’t necessary. Tropical!” She waves to a mint green pegasus, who trots over. “This is Tropical Storm. She’s our director.”
After pleasantries, Plumsweet is whisked away by the legal team to sign a contract. The director stays behind to complain.
“You’re not giving me much to work with.”
“Tropical, dear, I’ve seen your movies. Don’t ruin her natural charm. You’re known for flat, one-dimensional characters and unbelievably large explosions. I daresay she’s more real than the protagonists of your last three films combined.”
“Hey, those three films made over $500,000,000 between them.”
“Three-quarters of which was on the first film. Otherwise you probably wouldn’t have taken this job.”
Tropical Storm interviews the contestants, starting with Triple Treat. The purple earth pony is watching television in her dressing room.
“How do you like your odds of winning?” Tropical Storm shoves a microphone in front of the mare.
“As long as Sweetberry doesn’t make her famous caramel brownies, I’ve got this in the bag.”
Tropical Storm bursts into Cotton Candy’s dressing room without so much as knocking, camera crew right behind her. The camera crew pans around the room, hoping to catch her in an unprepared state, but the pink mare is relaxing on the couch. She pushes some strands of blue and pink mane out of her eyes and put down the magazine she was reading. “Can I help you all?”
Tropical Storm clears her throat. “We’re here for a pre-competition interview. You look like you’re ready to go.”
“Of course. I got ready hours ago.”
“Sounds like you’re well-prepared! The competition doesn’t know what they’re up against.”
“Sweetberry and Triple Treat stop by my café all the time, so they know what they’re up against. They both go to Canterlot University, right down the road.”
“Aren’t you the least bit scared that might give them an edge?”
“How so?” Cotton Candy nervously flicks her tail.
“They’ve sampled your goods.”
Cotton Candy giggles. “You had me going there for a second. I’m not worried about that. Everypony in Equestria knows the Cotton Candy Café is the number one place to eat in Canterlot. I talked with the girls when we found out we’d be competing against each other. They’ve both agreed to keep my café well-stocked for the next year with their own treats. I’ve already arranged an advertising campaign to invite everypony in to make a decision for themselves. I’m not really all that concerned with winning – as you can see I’ll benefit no matter the outcome.”
“Signing contracts with naïve college students. Now that’s a shrewd businessmare right there. That’s what years of experience does to a pony – uses the idealism of youth against them.”
“But that’s not…” Tropical Breeze and her entourage blow out of the room as quickly as they arrived. “…what I’m trying to do.” Cotton Candy looks around at the devastation the pegasus’ brief visit has wrought. Papers are scattered, her dresser has been ransacked, and an end table is upended, all while she’d been distracted answering questions. “Tropical Storm’s aptly named.”
“There’s no drama with these three.” Tropical Storm paces around Port-o-bella’s office. “They all know and like each other. I tried to catch them by surprise, but not a one of them is primping or obsessing. They’re all just lounging around their rooms waiting for the show to start.”
“Well, then make some drama,” Port-o-bella responds. “Get them angry at each other. Throw them off their groove.”
“I’ll do what I do best. Shake things up a little.”
“Whoa up there a second. Do not do what you do best. No explosions. Am I clear?”
“Am I really on television?” Plumsweet asks. She cranes her neck forward until her snout is bumping against the video camera.
“Not yet. We’re going to do some editing before this gets broadcast.” Tropical Storm looks at the mare in front of her. “A lot of editing.”
Port-o-bella facehoofs. This isn’t going well at all.
Tropical Storm once more barges into Sweetberry’s dressing room uninvited. “What are you planning on making?”
“I’m trying something a little different today. Mint chocolate chip cookies. Never made them before, and this seems like as good a time as any to try something new.”
“That’s disappointing. I heard some other ponies talking about how good your caramel brownies are and I was really hoping to try some.”
Sweetberry frowns. “I don’t want to be known as a one-hit wonder. Besides, everypony loves those. It wouldn’t be fair to Triple Treat or Cotton Candy if I whipped them up.”
“Not to try and change your mind or anything, but you do realize this is a competition, right? The whole point is to win, and if your caramel brownies are a surefire win, that’s really what you should be making.”
Sweetberry bites her bottom lip. “Well… if you really think that’s what I should do.”
“Absolutely.”
Tropical Storm bursts into Triple Treat’s dressing room. “Bad news, Triple Treat. Sweetberry has indeed decided to make her caramel brownies. I guess you’ll just have to step things up a notch or two if you want to win.”
“I’ll step it up three notches, or my name isn’t Triple Treat.”
“That’s the spirit! You’re going to kick some flank.”
Plumsweet stands on the stage, with three bakers and their exquisite desserts. Sweetberry’s caramel brownies are simple but scrumptious, Cotton Candy’s whipped up a simply divine blueberry cheesecake, and Triple Treat’s managed to combine chocolate chip cookies, lollipops, and ice cream into one dessert that’s more delicious than such an abomination has any right being.
She’s thankful that judging them isn’t her job – there are a trio of judges who get to make that decision. All she has to do is smile and interview the winner. She even gets to sample the goods. Heck, they’re paying her to sample the goods!
Plumsweet eagerly takes the envelope with the judge’s choice. She opens it, and each judge has picked a different dessert, resulting in a three-way tie.
[CHOICE]It’s up to the host to break the tie. Who’s it going to be?
Hook: You need HSN’s Capodimonte muscle car collection, and Iron Will’s here to tell you why!
Story #321 Title: Iron & Porcelain Keyword: Capodimonte Characters: Iron Will, Bifröst Chaos/Villain
“Iron Will here.” The minotaur commands the audience, just as he always had in Equestria. Gone are the self-help seminars that had been criticized by the Elements of Harmony. Ponies tend to listen to Twilight Sparkle, or at least they started to after she’d ascended to princess. Gone, too, are the zeppelin tours. Ticking off most of the alicorn population in one fell swoop hadn’t been his smartest move.
So he finds himself on Earth, as far away from Equestria as he can get. Equestria is still sorting out diplomatic relations with all the countries of Earth. He’d briefly considered getting involved in politics, then decided against it, leaving that for con artists like Flim and Flam.
Instead, he finds himself right at home in front of the camera. “I’m here tonight to talk about HSN’s new Capodimonte Muscle Cars of 1970 collection. Specifically, I’m here to tell you, yes you, just why you can’t live without them.”
The camera pans along a counter, showcasing the set of eight porcelain automobiles. They’re in bright, bold, high-impact colors, arranged in a rainbow to show them off. First is a Rally Red Oldsmobile 442. Next is an Orbit Orange Pontiac GTO The Judge, followed by a Daytona Yellow Chevrolet Chevelle. The trio of GM muscle cars is followed by the sole AMC, a Big Bad Green AMX. A Petty Blue Road Runner Superbird, Grabber Blue Ford Mustang Boss 302, and Plum Crazy Dodge Challenger complete the rainbow, while a Panther Pink Dodge Charger rounds out the set.
“1970 was the zenith of the muscle car era. The biggest engines, the wildest colors, the craziest option packages. You could basically order a racecar right from the factory! But just a year later, in 1971, the writing was on the wall. Government regulations, environmental concerns, increasing insurance premiums… and then the oil crisis of 1973 was the final nail in the coffin.”
He shrugs. “It’s regrettable, but we wouldn’t look back so fondly at these cars if they’d never gone away. Thankfully, high performance cars eventually came back.”
The camera pans back to Iron Will, who delicately holds up a ninth car in the set. “But wait, there’s more! Order now, and we’ll even throw in the rare chase model, a porcelain-white Mercury Cougar Eliminator at no extra charge! This special model is limited to just fifty pieces. When they’re gone, color them gone for good! In a cloud of dust, just like any of these cars.”
Iron Will toots a bicycle horn. “Here’s a toot for Thistle Whistle, who just bought a set. I just love your name! Here, have another toot, just because I can! What made you purchase this set, Thistle?”
“Other ponies are collecting Matchbox cars, but that requires leaving my house to go shopping, and there are clouds out there.” She whistles. “I can collect these from the safety of my own home.”
“That’s great, Thistle! That’s what HSN is all about! Convenience! Looks like we have another caller.”
“Hi, my name is Bifröst, and I was at one of your self-help seminars back in Equestria.”
“That’s awesome, Bifröst. Hopefully Iron Will’s advice has served you well over the past few years.”
“Actually, it hasn’t. It’s been awful. Instead of becoming more assertive, I ended up becoming a big meanie to everypony around me and I alienated all of my friends. I had to come to Earth to make a new start for myself. I see you had to do the same. Zeppelin tours not doing so hot these days, hmn?”
“Iron Will doesn’t like what you’re implying, and when somepony…
Bifröst cuts him off. “Here’s a rhyme for you: I don’t like your tone, so I’m hanging up the phone.”
The dial tone sounds throughout the studio as the minotaur stands there fuming.
Story #322 Title: Nopony Beats The Whizz Keyword: Zoom Character: Whizzer Chaos/Villain
Football may be the number one sport in the United States, and the other football might be the most popular sport globally, but amongst Earth’s pony population, horse racing is the favorite.
Ponies are tiny compared to Earth’s native horses. Very few ponies have what it takes to compete with their longer-limbed cousins, but that hasn’t stopped a few from trying. Whizzer is a speed demon. If it can be done, she can do it faster. She flies fast. She talks fast. She drives fast. But most importantly, she also runs fast.
She’s one of the few ponies to make a go at Thoroughbred racing, and the only one to be successful at it. Despite her size disadvantage, Whizzer is almost always the odds-on favorite whenever she shows up at the track. Unlike her competition, she has no jockey. There’s a weight break for fillies compared to colts, and she’s significantly smaller than a Thoroughbred filly. Jockeys tend to be petite, but on Whizzer, even small riders look comically oversized. Instead she wears her saddlebags, loaded with however much weight the officials tell her she needs to carry. There’s a lot of math involved, and math isn’t her strong suit.
She’s way too old to try for the Triple Crown. No pony will ever have a shot at the event for three-year-old Thoroughbreds. Ponies grow much slower, and a foal would never stand a chance against almost fully grown horses.
While she may never get to the pinnacle of the sport, she makes a good living going from track to track, participating in a variety of different races, including steeplechases and even harness racing. The latter is her least favorite, as the sulky is one-size-fits-all and she’s at a disadvantage compared to her competitors.
Today’s race is at the Meadowlands, a one-mile dirt oval. As she’s warming up a few men in suits walk up to her.
“Hi there. My associates and I have a business proposal for you.”
That’s nothing new, she’s given endorsements to companies before. She has long-running sponsorship deals with Mane ‘n Tail and RC Cola.
“We’d very much appreciate it if you were to not do your best in tonight’s race.”
“Huh?” Whizzer asks, perplexed. “It’s a race. Shouldn’t I give it my all?”
“Normally, yes. But you see, there’s a Ferrari in the parking lot. Now, I’m not saying you should intentionally lose, perish the thought. All I’m saying is that should you not finish first; the car is yours as a consolation gift. Of course, if you should happen to win tonight… Well, sometimes bad things happen to good ponies. Consider a loss tonight to be an insurance policy.”
The men leave without a further word and Whizzer mulls over their offer. She doesn’t care about gambling, but she knows a lot of people take it very seriously. She also knows that if they’re bribing her with such a lavish gift, they must stand to win a lot of money if she loses. It might be dangerous to win.
It’s an ordinary visit to the Dell Dwellers, gnome-like creatures who maintain the balance of the Mystificent Forest. Over the years, ponies have made friends with a wide variety of creatures, including Katrina, a bipedal cat who had once enslaved the Bushwoolies. Initially reluctant to change her ways, she’d eventually given in and decided to be good again. She’s joined you on this visit, eager to see the Balance of Nature up close and personal.
Also along are Heart Throb and Ember. The pink pegasus is a hopeless romantic, while the purple filly is energetic and always getting into mischief. Heart Throb is keeping an eye on Ember, to make sure she behaves.
The Dell Dwellers live in a cavern below the forest floor. It’s a factory, where rough lumps of rock are turned into smooth stones for skipping, and acorns are turned into oak tree saplings. In the center of the factory is a barrel labeled ‘Balance’. It’s what contains the Frazzits, multicolored ectoplasmic entities that spread chaos wherever they go.
The ever-rambunctious Ember proves too much for Heart Throb to handle, and she knocks over the barrel while galloping through the Dell Dwellers’ factory. Wind Whistler and Shady had warned all of you about this exact scenario in advance.
Ember’s personality flip flops with Heart Throb’s. Instead of swapping personalities, the Dell Dwellers all act inverse to their own orderly nature. Lumps of rock are ground into powder, while acorns are smashed. The newly love-obsessed silly filly starts chasing the Dell Dwellers around their factory, trying to kiss them. Heart Throb, on the other hoof, is acting bold and brash, running around the factory without a care in the world.
Something has to be done to restore order. Right?
Why return to normal? Normal is boring. Chaos is where it’s at. There’s a power vacuum just waiting to be filled. The thoughts come unbidden, and won’t stop. Your very thoughts are urging you to take over and enslave the Dell Dwellers. With their unique powers, they’d be far superior in producing witchweed potion than the bushwoolies ever were.
You recognize the intrusive thoughts. That was Katrina’s whole shtick. It stands to reason that if Heart Throb and Ember have flip flopped, the same can be said of you and Katrina.
You realize that she’s been bottling this up for years, walking a razor’s edge between good and evil. The evil tendencies are still inside her, looking for a way out. Now they’re your problem. She’s adapted surprisingly well, but she’s had her friend Rep to help her all these years. You don’t have that luxury in your present state. The only one here who could possibly understand what you’re going through is Katrina herself, but she’s acting like you. Your memories are hazy. The question is whether Katrina’s got any clarity with your thoughts running through her head instead.
You hope so, because a cursory scan of the situation indicates that she’s your only hope. Your own thoughts are urging you to betray the ponies, Katrina, the Dell Dwellers, and everyone else.
Hook: After years of torment, a pony discovers her ‘useless’ talent isn’t so useless after all.
Story #327 Title: The Young Mage And The Lighthouse Keyword: Tsunami Character: Dewdrop Dazzle Hero/Chaos/Villain
Lighthouse keeper. It’s a responsibility taken for granted. It’s a tough job, one that requires living in isolation. A pony can go for months with no contact with the outside world aside from watching ships pass by.
For Dewdrop Dazzle, it’s perfect. The lighthouse sits atop a rocky point in Horseshoe Bay, outside Baltimare. Even without the benefit of earth pony magic, she grows her own food. The unicorn only goes to town a few times a year and stocks up for months at a time.
Dewdrop thinks back to a time when she was a happy little pony. Before her classmates got their cutie marks one by one, and hers refused to appear. The other unicorns started learning magic, but all her horn could do was spark uselessly whenever she tried to do anything. Dewey, as she’d liked being called, was behind her peers. She was stuck repeating magic kindergarten, being made fun of by colts and fillies younger than her. It was discouraging.
Then her magic came in, and her cutie mark with it. She’d ended up with a weather mark, like a pegasus. That only made her the subject of even more tormenting.
Her magic works differently than other unicorns, which is why it had taken so long to come in. Water mages are so rare in Equestria that the last one had been hundreds of years prior. He’d been a pirate, using his talents to plunder from anypony unlucky enough to be sailing in his vicinity. Water mages were different, and the last one had been a very bad pony.
So the ponies of Baltimare had taken to treating her like she was also a bad pony. Teachers looked the other way as classmates bullied her mercilessly. She’d dropped out of school and taken a job that was perfectly suited for a mare of her abilities. Keeping an eye on the ocean, far away from anypony else.
She’s lonely in the lighthouse. Ponies aren’t meant to live in isolation. But she’s never found anypony willing to accept her for who she is. Ponies fear that which they don’t understand.
So she stares at the sea every day, for hours on end. Imagining what the ponies on board the ships are doing, where they’re coming from and where they’re going. She wonders what cargo the freighters are carrying. She imagines herself out there more often than not.
As she looks out over the ocean, she sees a tsunami racing towards the coastline. It’s only minutes away. A normal unicorn would be powerless to do anything but watch it destroy the city.
For once in her life, Dewdrop is happy to be an abnormal unicorn.
Flashing yellow lights reflect off her windows as a flatbed truck unloads a 1980 Lincoln Continental Mark VI in her driveway. Lulu Luck had found the car on the internet and purchased it sight unseen. The clunker hasn’t run in almost twenty years, but that’s okay. Lulu’s training to be a mechanic, and she wants something to tinker with. The thought of restoring a wreck to roadworthy condition makes her giddy enough to prance in place.
Her excitement fades as she starts examining the car. It’s a lot rougher than the ad had made it out to be. The fact that the engine doesn’t run isn’t surprising – she’d known that when she purchased the car. But the rest is disappointing. Rust is bubbling under what’s left of the vinyl roof, and there’s rust in the rear wheelwells. Most of the trim is missing, the hood ornament is long gone, one of the corner lights is broken, and there’s a pair of random holes in the hood for no discernible reason. The lettering that’s supposed to spell out Continental on the car’s trunk spells ‘N T N A’ now.
It’s rough, but it’s hers. The hood doesn’t sit level, which she thinks is odd. She opens it, finding that one of the hinges is gone, and that the hood is also bent. It’s then that she realizes the ‘random’ holes in the hood had been for hoodpins to keep the hood shut, like on a racecar. The catalytic converter is gone; stolen for its platinum content. She looks up the cost of replacing it, and it’s more than what she paid for the car.
The passenger-side rear door is jutting out, refusing to fully close, and Lulu tries to push it closed to no avail. She applies more pressure. Something has to give… and it’s the door. One of her hooves breaks through the rotted door as easily as if she’d been ripping paper. The door is still slightly ajar.
Lulu stares at the hole her hoof has inadvertently punched through the rusty rear door. The more she digs into it, the more she realizes this car has the structural integrity of Swiss cheese. There’s a reason this car was so cheap, and that reason is because it’s junk.
It would cost more to get this wreck roadworthy than it would be to just buy two nice examples of the same car.
Restoration is out. Hot rodding is out. There’s just no saving this poor car. The best use for it is parts.
[CHOICE]The car’s too far gone to fix. What should she do with it?
Story #331 Title: Passion For Fashion Keyword: Darling Characters: Rainbow Dash, Zipzee Chaos/Villain
Due to a mix-up at the travel agency, you’d arrived in a different Ponyville than the one you’d intended on visiting. Thanks to Minty, you’re stuck there, possibly forever. Of course she’d be the one to find you and break your only way to get home.
Minty is far and away the most hazardous thing in this environment. There are no monster attacks. No chaos lords. No poisonous plants that want to have a laugh at your expense. Just one really clumsy mare with OCD who should never be allowed to fly a balloon ever again. Not that you’re biased after the first, and last, time you ever went flying with her.
Aside from Minty, it’s rather peaceful, in all honesty. Maybe it isn’t the place you would’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life, but it’s way better than you ever would’ve expected. There are worse places to get stranded. Sure, you’re not going to get a cheeseburger any time soon, but it’s like an all-you-can-eat sweets buffet. Ice cream, candy, pastries… if it’s sugary, they’ve got massive quantities of it. It’s basically a five-year-old’s dream diet. Which isn’t surprising, since the entire world looks like it was designed specifically to appeal to five-year-old girls. Which it was.
Everypony’s super nice, too. Even Minty, who’s well-meaning, even though she’s a walking disaster area. It’s hard to dislike her.
The Spring Promenade is one of the most important events of the year in Ponyville. Everyone will be there. You’re a bit hazy on the details, but from what you’ve been told, the Breezies will arrive in town and distribute flower wreaths to everyone. Then there’s a parade and a fancy dance.
Rainbow Dash is the premiere fashion designer in Ponyville. She’s also the only clothier in town, but that’s beside the point. Ponyville may be bigger than Unicornia and Butterfly Island, but it’s still a small town. She makes everyone’s clothes, and that goes for you too. To be dressed in a Rainbow Dash original is to be dressed in style.
A sneeze catches your attention. A yellow Breezie tumbles through the air and smacks into you.
“Zipzee, darling, are you all right?” Rainbow asks.
The little fairy pony rights herself and nods. “I’m allergic to flowers.”
“So you’re a sneezy Breezie?” you ask.
Zipzee giggles. “Yep, yep, yep!” She puts a wreath of flowers on your head and zips away.
With the arrival of the Breezies, the start of the festivities draws nearer.
Rainbow Dash, also sporting a floral wreath, pulls out a rack of dresses and asks for your input. She’s designed all of them, surprise gifts for all of her friends in Ponyville. But she has a reputation to adhere to, so the prettiest dress is reserved for her.
She pulls out a rainbow dress, one you can tell she’s designed for herself. It’s as stunning as one would expect. There’s a pink dress, obviously for Pinkie Pie, and a green dress, definitely intended to be Minty’s.
The frilly pink dress has fancy ruffles, and also looks amazing. It’s a tossup between the rainbow dress and the pink dress. You know which one she likes best. But…
[CHOICE]Which dress do you tell Rainbow Dash to go with?
“You should pick out something that she’d like. You said she torments you all the time. How does that make you feel?”
Honeybuzz sighs. “Not good at all.”
“Exactly. Maybe showing her that you thought sparing her feelings instead of embarrassing her is just what she needs to see the light. At the very worst, it won’t change anything. Think of how much worse she could be if you actually gave her a reason.”
Honeybuzz nods, lost in thought.
“You said you two are twins, right? She could even claim that she wore the bee costume and that you were in the embarrassing costume instead of her. Save yourself the headache and go with the flower costume for her. The bee and flower matching set is a great idea.”
Iron Will flings the fragile Capodimonte muscle cars around like they’re toys. Porcelain shatters as the mini muscle cars bounce off the walls. He grabs the Mustang and Superbird from the display and smashes them into each other, repeatedly, until there’s nothing left but dust.
He picks up the white Cougar. “One of fifty? Ha! Better make that forty-nine!” He spikes the car onto the ground as he continues having a temper tantrum on live television.
HSN keeps the cameras rolling, even as no one is willing to venture into the line of fire to try to calm the half-bull in a china shop.
He picks up an entire tray of ten yellow Chevelles and tosses them into the air. The hapless cars rain down around him, and he’s so blind with rage that he doesn’t even feel the shards of porcelain as they hit him.
“Dodge Charger? I’ll show you a charge!” Iron Will bends at the waist and charges a case full of porcelain Chargers. The pink muscle cars explode into powder as they hit the ground.
Eventually, he realizes that he’s going to be fired for his outburst. That just makes him angrier. He storms off the set and people get out of his way as he makes a beeline for his car in the parking lot. It’s not a muscle car, but rather a Ford Taurus. Everyone gets out of his way as he rips the driver door off the hinges. He tosses it away, then gets into the car and drives off, the ‘door ajar’ chime blaring the whole way.
He mutters to himself while driving. “Fly into rage, time to turn another page. Hmn, I could start doing anger management seminars. Or maybe teach defensive driving…”
Blue Belle and Snuzzle enter from opposite sides, reuniting with Minty center stage. Snuzzle grabs the microphone away from Minty and makes it perfectly clear that they’re doing this for the fans, and not for Minty.
Blue Belle snatches the mic away from Snuzzle and vows that while this will be the band’s final concert together, they’ll still give it their all.
“You go tell the professor about this. I’ll help you formally describe this, and that should be sufficient.”
“Sufficient for what?” she asks.
You look at the ground. “I was really hoping to make an exciting find out here this year. Something I could call my own and write my thesis on.”
“Is that all? Hmn…” She paces around the area for a few minutes, apparently lost in thought. “A-ha!” She draws an ‘X’ in the dirt. “Dig here. Go about two feet down and I think you’ll like what you find. Nothing’s been exposed to the surface so there’s no erosion at all.”
“It’s what pegasi were born to do. There’s nothing in the sky I can’t handle.”
“Even jet engines?”
“Be serious. Any pilot worth his salt is flying above the storm.”
“You really want to go in alone?”
“I’ve flown solo in storms before. I’d only need help if I was trying to change the storm.”
“Earth doesn’t have magic. Our storms are different.”
“I know.” Her rage is barely constrained at this point. “That’s the whole point. I want…no, I need to know how different it really is. Ponies have been on Earth for years and we still don’t have any decent data.”
“What if… what if the worst happens?”
She opens her saddlebags and gives you her car keys. “Then congratulations, you’re the proud new owner of the convertible you always wanted, but talked yourself out of because it’s not sensible enough. You only live once. Live life to the fullest, or get out of the way of the ones who will.”
You take your hand off Sunny’s back. “I’d miss you. But if you need to do this, don’t let me stop you.”
“Really? You’re going to play that card?” She snorts and stamps her front hooves.
“Well, I would. I’m sure your family would miss you as well.”
“Nothing’s going to happen to me.” She pauses. “Probably.” She’s wavering.
It’s time to override her instincts with logic. “You know there are laws against this for a reason. Earth doesn’t want pegasi up there in these storms. Even if you won’t think of your own safety, you agreed to obey our laws when you came here.”
She grumbles and agitatedly flicks her tail. “Stupid law.” You’ve taken the wind out of her sails, even as the storm’s wind is picking up. She sighs and concedes defeat. “Come on, our food’s getting cold. If I can’t be up there, then I don’t want to be out here at all. I can feel that storm calling to me even now.”
You try and scritch her ears but she shrugs your hand off. “Not right now. I’m still mad at you.” Her tail is firmly tucked between her legs like a scolded dog as she trudges back into the pizzeria. You’ve taken away her thunder, literally, and it may be a while before she forgives you.
“If you need a place to stay until you get back on your feet…uh, I mean hooves… you can stay with me. I’ve got room.”
“That’s sweet of you, but I couldn’t impose on you. You barely even know me.”
“So you’d rather impose on your family, or your friends?”
“I… uh…” She pauses, looking for words. “You make a good point.”
“Don’t go back to Equestria with your tail tucked between your legs.”
She shifts positions, looking at her rump. “Where else am I supposed to put my tail?”
“It’s an expression. What I’m trying to say is don’t go home in shame. When you go home, if you go home, it should be with your head held high because you made your own way here on Earth.”
You smirk as you trot home with Star Catcher’s letter. For once, you have an opportunity to make a noble pay dearly. It doesn’t matter that she’s never been mean to you, personally. She’s a noble, and all nobles are awful.
Once you’re home, you grab a clean sheet of paper and put it over the original document. The paper’s not transparent, but the ink is still barely visible below the fresh sheet. You trace some of the letters, making the document read as follows:
It’s over, Skywishes. I never want to hear from you ever again. Leave Canterlot forever.
It’s short and to the point. You place the fraudulent document into the envelope and complete your last delivery for the day with a smile on your face.
“I’ll give them back, but first you have to promise me something.”
“Anything.”
“I was hoping you’d say that. There will never be a queen. From here on out you’ll be a democracy and vote on everything. Majority rules, so that means at least four of you will have to agree on something in order for it to be valid.”
Mayor Mare takes one look at the wall of butts and freaks out. “You can’t do that!”
“Why not?”
“Did you girls learn nothing from the Gabby Gums fiasco? You can’t just go around violating everypony’s privacy. You can’t take pictures of everypony without asking them first, especially not of their rumps.”
“But we need a database of everypony’s mark, so we can help ponies. Think of the convenience of having the ability to find ponies by their talent!” Apple Bloom points to the wall, in the vicinity of Carrot Cake, Coconut Cream, and Cup Cake. “Want to grab a bite to eat? Take your pick!” She points rapid fire to her siblings and grandmother. “Of course, if’n you’re gonna eat, you really want apples.”
Years of being an elected public official have taught her that ponies were willing to give up privacy in favor of convenience. She needs to nip this in the butt, now, before the wall of rear-ends becomes a permanent fixture of Ponyville.
“Take it down now. And I want you to…” she pauses midsentence. She had been about to tell the Cutie Mark Crusaders to burn something. “…deliver all of these pictures to my office as soon as you’re done taking them down. I’ll take care of disposing of them.”
There’s only one pony who can save Baltimare. Well, more like half a dozen, but unless an alicorn teleports in, none of the others are close enough to do anything about it.
Dewey races down the stairs, the clip-clop of her hooves striking metal echoing in the spiral staircase. Sirens are going off in town, but it’s too late. Baltimare is on a coastal plain – there’s no high ground to escape to. The tsunami is much closer to shore by the time she emerges from the lighthouse, but she’s not scared. It’s only water, and water will do anything she wants it to.
Her horn glows and she starts fighting the tsunami. She may have power over water, but the wave has the power of momentum. It fights back.
She’s sweating as she forces a gap in the wall of water. The wave parts, sparing the lighthouse promontory. Cut in two, the tsunami is no longer a match for her, and she sends the wave back out to sea. The wave is powerful, but water is Dewdrop’s domain, and the wave is intruding.
She takes a look around – the city is safe. She trots into the lighthouse, head held high. Her ‘useless’ talent just saved the city and nopony is any the wiser. She’s tuckered out, so she decides to take a nap.
A few hours later the townsponies make their way to the lighthouse, parading up and down the promontory. There’s a marching band, cheerleaders, and the mayor of the city is shouting into a bullhorn over the racket.
“Dewdrop Dazzle! Please come down, we wish to thank you!”
She trots down the stairs slower this time. She’s spent years as an outcast. What can she even say to the ponies who’ve tormented her for so long? Will they finally accept her…?
She opens the door, and the mayor presents her with the key to the city. “Dewdrop Dazzle, on behalf of the ponies of Baltimare, we thank you for protecting our city. From now on, every year we will celebrate this day as Dewdrop Dazzle Day. Three cheers for Dewdrop!”
“The other pegasi can handle this, don’t worry. Minty’s in good hooves,” you reassure Thistle, as you gently push Green Apple out of the timid mare’s home and shut the door behind you.
You know that Thistle’s a weak flyer. She only flies when there are no clouds in the sky, which only happens a few days every year. No matter how bad things are going up there, having Thistle Whistle up there could only make it worse.
You block out Minty’s terrified screaming, even as it gets louder and louder. It’s only when you realize that the screaming is so loud that it sounds like it’s coming from right on top of you that you bother looking up. That’s all the warning you get before the accident-prone mare collides with you and you inadvertently break her fall… and several of your own bones.
Everything returns to normal and this page goes back to where it belongs.
You’re back in Unicornia with Shenanigans. The events of the last week are somewhat hazy. Had Minty been flying? You dismiss it as naught but a strange dream and continue chatting with Shenanigans, who like you, has no memory of what has just transpired.
“No. I think the six of you have proven you can’t be entrusted to guard something as powerful as these wands. I hereby declare myself Queen… Queen North Star the First. You six can be my hoofmaidens.”
“Hey! You can’t go in there alone. I’ll go through first and let you know if it’s safe,” you say.
“Okay!” Snowcatcher replies, and the rest of her friends nod their heads in agreement.
You gulp as you walk towards the shimmering portal. Who knows what might greet you on the other side. You stick a hoof through, tentatively, and when you pull it back it’s still intact. Figuring that’s a good omen you trot through.
At first you think the ‘portal’ was nothing. Everything looks mostly the same – snow and houses as far as the eyes can see. Then you notice large metallic creatures moving. You freeze in fear, but they go past you. As you continue observing, you realize that they’re not creatures, they’re vehicles of some sort, piloted by bipedal creatures, some of whom you can see walking around.
It’s safe. You return and wave to the fillies, who follow you back through the portal to this strange new world.
Wind Sprint thinks back to the moment when she signed the contract as she looks at the audience cheering her on. Accepting the offer had been a no-brainer.
She takes a deep breath and launches herself into the air. She soars around the ‘extreme’ obstacle course, zipping through the flaming hoops. The fire’s on the outside, giving the illusion of danger, with less risk than blasting through a wall of flames like the Washouts had done.
Wind Sprint bemoans the changes made to the Crushinator Jaws of Smash-A-Lot (Patent Pending) as she approaches what’s left of the once dangerous device. When she’d first seen Lightning Dust narrowly avoid disaster, she knew she wanted to be a stunt flyer more than anything in the world. Way cooler than being a buckball player. Now the device sports spikey ‘teeth’ top and bottom, with a gap perfectly-sized for a pegasus to fly straight through without being crushed. The ‘teeth’ prevent it from closing all the way and trapping her inside.
The rest of the stunts go as planned, and Wind Sprint lands to a roaring ovation.
Wind Rider and Lightning Dust exchange smiles. If they can build on this success, they’ll run the Wonderbolts out of business, one promising recruit at a time. Or maybe two at a time – the Barrel twins are looking mighty promising…
While you’re curious about ponies, the rules are the law. No one’s allowed inside without a shirt or shoes.
You block the path of the three ponies trying to enter your workplace. Standing tall, comically towering over the little ponies, you point to the no shirt, no shoes, no service sign.
The unicorn objects. “How can we purchase shirts if we’re not allowed inside?”
“Not my problem,” you respond, firmly holding your ground.
“You’re not being very friendly,” says one of the pegasi. She’s fuchsia in coloration, with red, orange, and yellow hair. It’s a visually striking color combination. It’s so visually striking your eyes are already doing their best to avert your gaze to either of the others so you don’t have to look directly at her.
The other pegasus rolls her eyes. “It’s just like some of the ‘unicorns-only’ places in Canterlot. Come on, girls, let’s get out of here.” She turns, giving you a good look at the three lilies on her flank.
Denied, the three ponies trot off, swishing their tails in anger.
You’ve upheld the letter of the law, and your job is safe. So why doesn’t that thought make you feel any better?
“It’s what pegasi were born to do. There’s nothing in the sky I can’t handle.”
“Even jet engines?”
“Be serious. Any pilot worth his salt is flying above the storm.”
“You really want to go in alone?”
“I’ve flown solo in storms before. I’d only need help if I was trying to change the storm.”
“Earth doesn’t have magic. Our storms are different.”
“I know.” Her rage is barely constrained at this point. “That’s the whole point. I want…no, I need to know how different it really is. Ponies have been on Earth for years and we still don’t have any decent data.”
“What if… what if the worst happens?”
She opens her saddlebags and gives you her car keys. “Then congratulations, you’re the proud new owner of the convertible you always wanted, but talked yourself out of because it’s not sensible enough. You only live once. Live life to the fullest, or get out of the way of the ones who will.”
You take your hand off Sunny’s back. “If you’re sure.”
“Surer than anything.” She slips off her saddlebags, then leaps into the air and is gone as the first sprinkles of rain start falling. The darkness swallows her up and she’s lost to you.
You put her saddlebags in her car, then go back inside to finish your now cold pizza. There’s nothing else you can do. Sunny Rays will either come back… or she won’t. You pull up the National Weather Service’s website and watch the radar as the storm continues tracking towards you. Lightning strikes are everywhere. Sunny has assured you multiple times that pegasi get struck by lightning all the time and just shrug it off.
If she’s not worried about it, you shouldn’t be worried about it. Right?
The waitress tops off your drink as you stare transfixed at the little map on your phone. Somewhere in that storm is your friend, a little spec of sunshine in a raging tempest.
The storm finally hits its stride. The pouring rain gives way to a torrential downpour. Wind shakes the pizzeria as rain lashes the windows. You count the seconds between lightning flashes and the boom of thunder. Three seconds. Five seconds. Six seconds. No seconds. The building rattles as your ears ring.
Just like that, the storm starts tapering off. Downpour gives way to steady rain gives way to drizzle, then finally sunshine illuminating the debris-littered street. Twigs and branches are everywhere. Newspapers are blowing in the wind. And one yellow dot on the horizon is getting bigger by the second.
Sunny Rays lands, shakes herself out, then trots into the pizza parlor like she owns it. She’s flown in a storm on Earth, and she’s got a lot to tell the weather experts back home.
You pat Rex’s head as you sit in your chair, facing the fireplace. The fire crackles and pops as it burns. It took all night, but you pulled down every single one of the ‘lost dog’ flyers. They make excellent kindling.
“Right, which is why you wearing a literal rainbow is just overkill.”
“I suppose you’re right. Still, I truly designed this dress for Pinkie Pie, and I just know the darling will just adore it.”
“Likewise, Pinkie Pie wearing that would be pink overload.”
“If you’re sure?”
“Absolutely.” You nod.
You go to the promenade, escorting Rainbow Dash, per her request. She’s dismayed to find Pinkie Pie is wearing the exact same dress as her.
She gasps. “My life is ruined!” Rainbow faints dramatically.
“How is this possible?” Pinkie Pie asks. “Rainbow Dash designed my dress!”
Ah, the joys of watching Rainbow Dash work, having too much time on your hands, and opposable digits. You made a replica of the dress and passed it on to Pinkie. Not that you’ll ever admit it.
“Actually, I think you’ll find it’s my decision.” You leave the Steinman on the ground near the exit and climb over the rocks scraping yourself more than once along the way. The rubble heap is unstable, and you move slowly to prevent it from collapsing.
When you finally reach her the scope of the situation reveals itself. Wind Whistler is sprawled on her back, in a position that would only be comfortable for a cat. Her right foreleg is trapped between the altar and a slab of the ceiling.
“As you can now see for yourself, this isn’t merely me being obstinate. I’m well and truly stuck, and you’re not going to be able to lift this stone off me. While you dilly-dally in your attempt to heroically rescue me, Porcina’s Raptorian lackeys could be smashing our friends back home.”
“Quit it, Wind Whistler. I’m not leaving here without you, even if I have to use the McGuffin to do it.”
“You mean the Steinman.”
“Whatever you call it.”
Your eyes lock on the Steinman. It could work…
Despite Wind Whistler’s protests, you bring the magical artifact over to her.
“But it can only be used once!”
“Maybe. Or maybe it can be used twice if you’re really creative and insanely lucky.” The Steinman is just the right size to wedge between the dais and the ceiling slab. You push it in further, trying to use it as leverage to budge the stone that’s too heavy for you to lift. Thankfully, it’s as durable as it is ugly.
Once she picks up on your plan, Wind Whistler directs you in how to maximize the amount of leverage. With her help, you wedge the Steinman in just enough that she can wiggle her leg free. She can’t walk, but she can still fly.
There’s only one problem. Getting the Steinman back out. Wind Whistler is up for the challenge, applying logic to solve the problem.
With Wind Whistler by your side, and armed with the mighty Steinman, Porcina and her Raptorians won’t know what hit them.
“But I haven’t really changed. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. That said, you’ve given me an idea.” She cackles, gleefully.
Cozy’s been wandering Equestria for years. She has all the time in the world, but she flies flat out towards Canterlot anyway, taking a moment to loop around the statue she’s still confined to… possibly forever. Her frightened expression hasn’t earned her any pity from the population. All the more reason to carry on with her new nefarious plan.
She passes through the walls of Canterlot Castle, invisibly passing the guards, including a blue griffin she recognizes from her school days. She finds Twilight Sparkle in a meeting with several important Canterlot nobles and barges in uninvited. It’s not like any of them can see her, anyway.
“Golly, Twilight, it’s been a long time,” she whispers into the Princess’ ear.
“Cozy Glow?!?” Twilight exclaims in confusion.
Fancy Pants stops midsentence and looks at the princess. “Twilight? Are you okay?”
“Yes, fine. Sorry, I don’t know what came over me.”
“Oh golly, Twilight. That’s right, I’m just another voice in your head. Forever, and ever, and ever…”
“Well, formally describing a new species is a lot of work.”
“Oh.” She looks at the ground in shame. “I don’t know a lot about all the science parts. I just think dinosaurs are cool and I have a special talent for finding fossils.”
“It just so happens that describing a new species would make for a great thesis. I’ll even give you credit as the original discoverer. How’d you like this to be Petuniasaurus paleous or something similar?”
“Oh!” She beams. “I’d like to have a dinosaur named after me. That would be sooooo cool!”
You sigh in resignation. “If you’re positive there’s no other way.”
“I knew you’d see the logic in this decision. That’s why I brought you, and not North Star, or Heart Throb, or anypony else who thinks with their emotions. Sometimes you have to make hard choices… and I’m making this one for them. I won’t be there anymore, so I’m counting on you to be able to make the hard decisions for everypony from here on out. Goodbye, my friend.”
“Goodbye, Wind Whistler.”
There are tears in your eyes as you escape the temple. They’re still there as you use the Steinman to turn Porcina and her Raptorians into glass, and restore Dream Valley to its former glory.
You put a hoof on Thistle Whistle’s withers and look her in the eyes. “Go.”
She runs out her front door and takes off without thinking about it. There’s nothing like a sense of urgency to help overcome a phobia. Thistle’s not the strongest flyer out there, but she catches up to Honolu-loo in short order. Thistle slows her pace to match the filly’s. It’s bad enough that Minty’s in danger, there’s no need to put anypony else at risk.
Just as Morning Monarch and Royal Rose are about to catch up to the battered balloon, a wind gust blows it over their heads and straight at Thistle and Honolu-loo. Minty screams in terror as she’s ejected from the balloon’s basket.
Amazingly, Thistle Whistle and Honolu-loo catch the accident-prone mare.
“I’m never leaving the ground again!” Minty declares.
Everypony laughs, knowing that vow will be forgotten within a week.
“It’s too dangerous to go alone. We should all go.”
The fillies all nod their heads in agreement, and you release Snowcatcher’s tail. She trots through, followed by Flitterheart, Dewdrop, and the rest of her friends. Once they’re all through you chuckle and block the portal with a solid wall of snow so they can’t come back. Winter Wrap-Up is nearly three months away, and that packed snow wall isn’t melting before then. Nopony will notice it and go through to rescue them. The portal probably won’t even be there by the time spring rolls around, trapping them in another dimension forever.
That’ll teach those naughty fillies to pelt unsuspecting ponies with snowballs.
“I… I’ll see what I can do,” you stammer, utterly defeated. You’re supposed to be the ultimate weapon, invincible to the adorable charms of ponykind, and you’ve folded faster than an origami master making a crane.
“Hmn, I suppose if you can do that for me, I can look into relaxing tariffs on toys and games back home. No promises, of course, but I think I can speak for everypony that Earth’s toys would be a hit with foals and adults alike.” She pushes a Matchbox car around her desk making littler ‘vroom-vroom’ sounds that are ridiculously cute.
As you leave her office and return home, you can’t help but wonder how many countries would just surrender themselves to Equestria if a pony just asked them to nicely.
Blue Belle and Snuzzle sit in the dressing room. The speakers have broadcast Minty’s impassioned speech, and the thunderous stomping is reverberating around the room. They look at each other. Eyes meeting, they shake their heads. The Dreamlands are done for good this time, and no amount of pleading or even money will get them out on the stage with their former friends.
You’ve never set hoof in the gated community where Diamond Rose lives, and the opulence on display astounds you. The houses on Gem Court are all competing to see which one can be the most ostentatious. These ponies have wealth, and the only thing they like more than having money is showing off that they have money.
You ring the bell on the gate and a voice answers. “State your business.” No greeting, no pleasantries, not even a request for a name.
“I think I found your lost dog.”
The front door opens, and a butler steps out. Hot on his hooves is the heiress herself, and Diamond Rose quickly passes him and runs up to the gate. “Snookums! Is that you? Mama’s here!”
Rex reacts as you’d expect. He wags his tail, and you know that you’ve made the right choice, reuniting a pony with her faithful companion. He squirms from your grasp, running between the bars of the gate.
He’s a good dog, and you’re going to miss him. With your mission accomplished, you turn and start trotting off.
“Wait! Don’t you want your reward?”
“I don’t need money for doing what’s right.” This is hard enough already, you walk off before it gets harder.
Diamond doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer, chasing after you and catching you before you make it to the end of the block. She drags you back to her house, insisting that you receive the reward you’ve earned, which she pulls from her own allowance. Maybe she isn’t a stuck-up brat after all. She even offers to let you be Snookums’ dog-sitter whenever she goes out of town, which is frequently.
“I accept your friendship. Now hold still, there’s more meat on you than Pixie and Dixie…” Mr. Jinks pounces, as the two pegasi fly in opposite directions. “Come back here you meaty little morsels!”
“I really thought that would work!” Flitter moans as she regroups with Daring Do.
“It was a good speech. Now let’s get out of here.”
“I think you should stay together. You’re mad at each other right now, but think about all the good times you’ve had over the years with one another. Do you really want to throw that all away?”
“You’re right, we’re a team. We’ve known each other since we were all just fillies. It would be a shame to throw away decades of friendship over a silly little disagreement. Thank you for putting things into perspective.”
“These things happen when you’re around the same ponies constantly. You eventually get on each other’s nerves. But never forget what’s important.”
“I won’t! Or rather, not again. What’s your name?”
You tell her, and she grabs a photo of herself from her dresser, signs it, and gives it to you. “Please take this token of my gratitude.”
“Thank you!” You happily trot out of her dressing room, content in the knowledge that you’ve just saved your favorite band from splitting up.
Merriweather stares at the pile of bits on her desk. They could come in handy for the school, but no, she’s been wanting to get rid of the cheerleaders, pep rallies, and all of that obnoxiousness for a reason. She thinks back to her college days, when her own tryout resulted in missing the cheerleading team. There wasn’t anything she could do about it then, but now? Now that power is hers, and hers alone.
“I’m impressed you managed to raise the funds. I admit, I didn’t think you could do it. However, the decision is still mine to make and I already made my decision before you started this fool’s errand. You’re welcome to keep this money, and if you wish to spend it on cheerleading accessories, I won’t stop you. But I won’t be reinstating the pep squad no matter how much money you earn.”
“This isn’t fair! We did what you asked, yes, yes, yes.”
“Life isn’t fair, my little pony. Consider this the most valuable lesson I can teach you.” Merriweather shoos her out of her office. “Good day.”
Razzaroo trudges from Merriweather’s office, completely defeated. “No it isn’t. No, no, no.”
Toola Roola shakes her can of paint. By the cover of night, she tags the statue, repeatedly, with graffiti. By morning there’s little stone left showing. Her thoughts range from social commentary to her opinions on the trio of villains stuck inside the stone.
It’s admittedly not her best work, but it’s the best she can do with what she has available. Either way, it’s an ugly statue.
Witchweed. Witchweed, witchweed, witchweed! It’s all you can think of. The power of the potion that you don’t even know how to make. But Katrina does, and if she doesn’t remember, her former minion Rep and the Bushwoolies do.
It’s time for the world to bow before you. You confront Katrina. “Tell me how to make the potion!”
She shakes her head, claiming ignorance. You toss her aside, storming out of the Masificent Forest and heading for Ponyland. Rep will give you the information, one way or another. You hope he picks the hard way. That’s more fun…
“The Volcano of Gloom. We’re going to turn their smoking crater into… a smoking crater. There can only be one ruler of Ponyland, and that’s going to be me.”
“You’ve already found a bunch of specimens on this expedition and I haven’t unearthed anything of note. A real friend would let me take credit for this.”
She squeals excitedly. “We’re friends? You’re the last person on the expedition I need to befriend to get my friendship degree!”
“Sure, if you give me credit for that fossil, I’ll be your best friend.” You're lying through your teeth, but she believes you.
The rainbow dress is fabulous. Too fabulous, as it turns out. The instant that Rainbow Dash slips it on, she disappears.
That’s abnormal. You’ve been here a while and this is the first time a pony has just spontaneously disappeared right before your very eyes.
Rainbow Dash reappears moments later in the center of town… sporting a horn and wings.
The others gather around her, mouths agape. No one other than Master Kenbroath Gilspotten Heathspike has ever seen an alicorn before, and it falls to him to explain to the others exactly what’s happened.
“Ahem, it appears Rainbow Dash has reached a style so incredibly unobtainable that she’s ascended to alicorn.”
“Oh well. I tried to be good and nopony wants to give me a chance. When I win, I’m coming back here and I’m going to grind you beneath my hooves! See you in Tartarus, loser.”
“We can’t just leave her here. Annoying as she is, we’re all she has.”
“I don’t think she’ll notice.”
“Think about this, Chryssie. She’s a child. We’ve kept her sane by tormenting her all these years. Now she’s alone with her thoughts unless we can get her out of there somehow. Perhaps by showing her kindness we can break her free too. If not, perhaps Princess Twilight would be willing to consider doing so.”
“She does love a good reformation.”
Tirek grabbed hold of the petrified filly, but couldn’t lift her off the dais. “A little help?”
Chrysalis sighed. “Need me to get that for you?” With her newfound strength, she hoisted the statue onto her back.
“I love a strong mare.”
“Lucky for you it wasn’t your muscles that I fell in love with.”
“What was it then, my little love bug?”
“Your mind. I’ve had more than enough time to explore it. You’re good at blocking your thoughts, but I’ve had years to take advantages of those moments when you let your guard down. The munchkin is really good at getting under your skin.”
“Yes. Cozy has such potential, but her temper foils her more often than not. The same could be said of you, my dear Chrysalis.”
“Don’t call me that anymore. We’ll need new names to go with these new bodies. We’ll be able to blend in anywhere, even without my changeling powers. I can teach you all about infiltration. We’ll lay low in a town on the outskirts of Equestria.”
“I can no more drain magic than you can change shapes. I fear our conquering days are over for good.”
“How dreadfully boring.”
Tirek landed in front of his marefriend and kissed her. "At least we'll have each other."
Chrysalis smiled. It might not be the world, but she could live with that. It certainly beat being a statue.
Whizzer’s never intentionally lost a race before. She’s lived her life in the fast lane since she was a filly. It goes against everything she’s ever believed in. But the car is worth more than the winner’s share of the purse. That thought nags her as she stands in the starting gate.
She’s still thinking about it when the race starts. She finally makes a decision while leading on the backstretch. She’s Whizzer, fastest pony on Earth. She can’t be bought. She can’t be intimidated. She pulls away through the third and fourth turns, winning by ten lengths.
The audience cheers as she crosses the line first. The fans adore her, even if they know they’ll never make much money betting on her. She’s so much of a ‘sure thing’ that her odds of winning are so low, that they only net a few cents per dollar wagered. Like Secretariat decades earlier, betting on her isn’t a way to get rich, it’s a way to get a souvenir.
There are a trio in the audience who aren’t cheering her on.
Where did that thought even come from? You have a job to do, and you’ll do it with pride, just like every other day. Through wind, rain, sleet, snow, and entitled nobles.
You put the letter back into the envelope and trot back into the post office. You tape it sealed, and drop it back into the mailbag to deliver. Noble or not, Star Catcher has never wronged you, nor have you ever heard of her being rude to anypony else.
You’re just the latest in a series of crushes the mare has had, and you decide to let her down easily. “I’m flattered, Heart Throb, really I am, but I think we should just be friends.”
“Oh.” She stares at the ground and shuffles her hooves in embarrassment. “Well, I guess I’ll be on my way then.”
Sweetie Swirl crumples the flyer and tosses it into the trash. Going to Trotter’s would mean leaving her house. Leaving the house is something she strives to avoid at all costs. She’s already dreading having to go to the market in another two days. She ponders stopping by Trotter’s on the way home from the market. Just pop in and grab a cider.
But she knows she won’t. She’ll hurry to the market, buy things, and then rush home. Like she always does. Friends are overrated.
Daring Do blasts Squirk with the Flashstone, forcing him to retreat. The amulet is powerful – too powerful. If something like this were to fall into Squirk’s tentacles again, he could drown Equestria. There’s only one thing to do – the Flashstone must be destroyed, and Squirk has to witness the destruction to know it’s gone forever.
Daring Do finds a rock on the beach and smashes the amulet against it, shattering the gem.
Squirk screams in dismay, and comes towards Daring Do. By destroying the Flashstone, she’s also destroyed the only weapon she had against the giant octopus and his lobster companion.
Just as all seems lost, a pirate ship rams into Squirk. The elderly mare is captaining the boat, and she turns its cannons against the cephalopod. Squirk immediately retreats to the depths.
“What…”
“Allow me to properly introduce myself. My name’s Blue Pearl. Greatest treasure of the notorious pirate Seven Seas. Maybe you’ve heard of me?”
Daring Do remains flabbergasted. This has definitely not been a normal expedition.
“By destroying the amulet, I trust that you really are who you say you are. The rest of my father’s treasure is in the cargo hold. Take it.”
“You should totally embarrass her.” You motion for her to follow you, and you lead her to a baby costume, complete with bonnet, pacifier, and diaper. “If you truly want to humiliate her, this is perfect.”
“She’s throws a temper tantrum any time I get the upper hoof. You should’ve seen after I got the better grade on that test today. This is perfect.”
You bump hooves and ring up her purchases. Her sister is going to hate her even more after this, but that’s their problem, not yours.
She gives you a page with details of the villains’ plans and then disappears back from where she came without another word.
One thing’s for sure – when you give these plans to Twilight Sparkle, you’re not going to mention Cozy Glow gave them to you willingly. No, ‘defeated her in battle’ has a nice ring to it. Twilight might even give you a medal.
Plumsweet returns to the desserts, savoring each in turn. She’s a connoisseur of decadent desserts, surely she can pick one.
The cheesecake and brownies are amazing, but aren’t groundbreaking in the way Triple Treat’s concoction is. Melted lollipops over a chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwich. The three desserts on the mare’s cutie mark combined.
The fair thing would be to agree with the judges. It should be a tie. All three have earned this.
But life isn’t fair and this is a competition. Besides, if these treats are this tasty, what else can these mares make?
“I’m afraid I’m going to need more data. Bonus round, time to make something else.”
The Legion of Doom had been a blight on Equestria, and their statue is an absolute eyesore. Three figures with awkward expressions – fear, shame, and rage. But it doesn’t have to be an ugly statue. Toola Roola grabs her supplies and starts painting the villainous trio.
Lord Tirek gets painted like a clown, while Queen Chrysalis becomes a ‘what if’ changedling. Lastly, Cozy Glow is painted to look like her old self… but happier. Toola still isn’t satisfied with the results, but it’s the best she can do without being able to change the poses of the beings trapped inside.
Parts of the car that aren’t made of metal are in good shape. The crushed velour seats are comfortable, and she has no problems saving them to put in another car someday. The lighting fixtures are still intact, and she pulls them off the car. Assorted bits and bobs get stacked in a corner as the car is stripped of anything useful.
The car isn’t going to need any of those parts, not where it’s going: The Fairgrounds Classic demolition derby!
Lulu Luck loves technology. She loves cars. It pains her to destroy something, but sometimes you reach a point where there’s nothing else to do with it. She’s paid good money for this car, and scrapping it will only give her a fraction of the money back. Even if she sells the good parts, it’s still going to be a net loss. She may as well have a little fun with it before it goes to the junkyard.
She peels the vinyl roof off the car, exposing even more rust on the metal underneath. Then she grabs a sledgehammer and smashes the windows out.
It takes her a few weeks to get the car ready for its big debut, as she learns the rules and modifies the car accordingly. She installs a rollcage and all the safety gear that’s required, and also anything that’s recommended.
The last step is painting the car. She’s not an artist, but she’s happy with the end result: a bright pink car with smiley faces and hippie flowers all over it. Win or lose, Lulu hopes car #16 will at least move under its own power long enough for her to have some fun.
“You don’t need them. You can find other ponies that can play instruments, but where are they going to find a voice that could replace yours?”
“You’re absolutely right, of course. I’m the voice of the band, and without me they’re just session musicians. Gee Threes fans are Starsong fans, and now’s the time to take this act solo. Thank you for listening and offering your two bits. I really appreciate it.” She signs your brochure, and then just as quickly shoves you out of her dressing room.
You trot past the dressing rooms of her bandmates, and you can’t help but wonder if you’ve just destroyed all their livelihoods. Not that you particularly care, you never liked their music anyway.
Thanks to her stepdad, Quibble Pants, Wind Sprint has learned to research things. She doesn’t need anypony to tell her who Wind Rider and Lightning Dust are, though she struggles to place the other two. It doesn’t matter, she has nothing to say to any of them other than ‘no’.
Wind Sprint loves danger. She loves flying fast, she loves athleticism, and she loves being the center of attention. She also loves her parents. The parents who’ve taught her that there are no shortcuts in life. The parents who’ve done their best to protect her from ponies like these.
Quibble Pants isn’t the athlete her biological father had been. At first, that had mattered to her way more than it should’ve. But as her mom and Rainbow Dash had suggested, Quibble had grown on her. His advice is sage. He’s annoying at times, but he genuinely cares about her.
He cares so much, in fact, that he’d given her a whistle to use in the event of an emergency. An emergency like four strangers surrounding her. She blows the whistle. Right outside the Wonderbolts Stadium in Cloudsdale. In the middle of hundreds of Wonderbolts enthusiasts, not to mention a dozen actual Wonderbolts, including Rainbow Dash.
She finds attention is immediately drawn to them. Four pegasi make themselves scarce as the crowd recognizes them. Rainbow Dash chases after her rival for life, Lightning Dust, while Spitfire takes off after Wind Rider. The other two find themselves chased by Surprise and Soarin’.
She sits back and watches the fireworks as the two rival teams take to the air.
Dewdrop briefly considers doing nothing. She’s hundreds of feet in the air in a sturdy lighthouse designed to withstand a direct impact. She could stand idly by and nopony would even question her as to why she did nothing. Nopony short of an alicorn could ever stop a tsunami. Nopony there would even believe that she could.
She decides it high time she changed that. She gallops down the stairs, making it to the rocky beach in time to see the wave towering high overhead. She’s not scared. It’s only water, and water will do anything she wants it to.
Her horn glows and she starts fighting the tsunami. She may have power over water, but the wave has the power of momentum. It fights back.
She’s sweating as she forces a gap in the wall of water. The wave parts, sparing the lighthouse promontory. Cut in two, the tsunami is no longer a match for her, and she sends most of the wave back out to sea. The wave is powerful, but water is Dewdrop’s domain, and the wave is intruding.
What’s left of the tsunami towers over Horseshoe Bay, threatening ships and the city itself. Dewdrop stands calmly on the dock, and requests somepony bring her the mayor of the city.
The mayor rushes to the bay, as the city’s citizens flee in terror. He recognizes Dewdrop from his teaching days. She was a student of his, before he’d gone into politics. “Dewdrop Dazzle, I commend you.”
“Shut up. I’ve stopped this tsunami. You know as well as I do that without me, this wave would inundate Baltimare, destroying it.”
The mayor nods.
“If you don’t pay me five million bits, I’ll let go of the wave. You’ve got an hour to decide.”
Fizzy Glitch goes nirik, pixelated neon flames consuming her body.
Unicorn Fizzy stares, slackjawed. “That is so cool. Do it again!”
“Okay.” Fizzy Glitch calms herself, then gets angry and goes nirik again.
Unicorn Fizzy clops her hooves appreciatively. “All I can do is make bubbles.” Bubbles continue floating away from her horn. “Big bubbles, little bubbles, round bubbles, square bubbles.”
“Square bubbles? Make square bubbles, Fizzy!”
It’s the beginning of a beautiful, and more than a little chaotic, friendship.
You hire unknown actors to play Royal Guards, with the entire middle third of the movie just talking and no action. The Royal Guards eventually decide on destroying Mintzilla once and for all.
Minty objects to having her character eliminated, but you overrule her. She walks off the set, and you use Mecha-Mintzilla™ Mark VIII to replace her in the ending. Mecha-Mintzilla™ Mark IX gets her in a hug and presses her self-destruct. The film ends before the explosion.
The stars, Minty and Kimono, are talking bad about it before it’s even released. Ponies are cheering Mintzilla as she destroys things, and then the movie gets boring before the big ending destroys the star. Critics pan the movie, and audiences absolutely hate it.
“You can stay as long as you need to, until you get back on your feet. Or hooves, as the case may be. You’re free to leave at any time, and you’re under no obligations at all to myself or my family. Also, please don’t act like a pet. It’s beneath you.”
“Does this mean no ear scritches?” She pouts.
“I’m not a monster. Of course you can have ear scritches. Once you’ve got your life back on track you can pay rent, or move out if you prefer.”
“Oh, good. My sign does say ‘good’ home. You’re not the first person to stop today. But you are the first to take my feelings into account. I… I think your home might just be the one I’m looking for.” She gets in your car and you close the door behind her.
You don't have the heart to tell her you can't stand cherries.
Mintzilla continues demolishing everything in her path until she comes to a pair of buildings that have a banner reading, ‘We love you, Mintzilla!’ hanging between them. Mintzilla is moved to tears, wrapping both buildings in a giant hug… crushing them in the process. Reminded of her equinity, she returns to the ocean, waving goodbye to the city.
Before she can start swimming away to someplace less inhabited, the citizens of the city unveil a surprise for her. An uninhabited island in the bay, one that she can claim as her own. From now on, Mintzilla is the city’s protector.
The movie becomes a smash hit, exceeding all expectations. The studio makes a lot of money, and in turn you make a lot of money, as do the stars of the picture, all of whom were cut in for a percentage of the gross in lieu of payment.
Iron Will flings the fragile Capodimonte muscle cars around like they’re toys. Porcelain shatters as the mini muscle cars bounce off the walls. He grabs the Mustang and Superbird and smashes them into each other.
He picks up the white Cougar. “One of fifty? Ha! Better make that forty-nine!” He spikes the car onto the ground as he continues having a temper tantrum on live television.
Amazingly, the Capodimonte Cougar isn’t the only thing to spike. People start tuning into HSN as Iron Will’s rampage starts trending on social media.
HSN keeps the cameras rolling, even as no one is willing to venture into the line of fire to try to calm the half-bull in a china shop. It takes a few minutes, but he eventually stops seeing red and starts looking around at all the collateral damage.
“Uh, Iron Will apologizes for that show of immaturity. Iron Will isn’t normally like this. Please don’t fire me, Iron Will needs this job.” He grabs a broom and starts sweeping up the studio.
The camera feed cuts out and replays the entire show up until that point on a loop for the next three hours.
“Iron Will.”
The minotaur drops the broom as his boss enters what’s left of the studio. “I can explain!”
“There’s no need to apologize. It turns out that the kind of people who like muscle cars aren’t the kind of people who watch home shopping channels. But they are the kind of people who’ll tune in to watch a minotaur breaking things on live TV. Sales were dismal up until you lost control. Then ratings spiked, and so did sales. There’s absolutely a market here, and we’re going to tap it. We’ve already greenlighted having hockey figurines made up, and then we’ll have you sell those in a few months. From there we’ll go to football, boxing, auto racing, wrestling…”
“No. What’s wrong with you, Heart Throb? Every day you hit on someone different, all in the hopes of finding your one true love. Did you learn nothing from when Prince Charming came here and broke your heart? Why do you keep setting yourself up for failure like this?”
“I…I…” Heart Throb stammers out, tears streaming down her cheeks. She can’t get the words out, as she starts sobbing uncontrollably.
“Knock it off and grow up.” You turn and leave the mare there, alone with her tears.
“Cozyheart!” Flitterheart whispers. She kisses her little sister’s forehead as she sleeps. Starbeam recognizes ‘Cozyheart’ as the infamous villain Cozy Glow, but resists the urge to murder the foal in her sleep. That would only make her the monster instead.
She nudges her patron, and Flitterheart turns her attention to the other room, where her younger self is coughing. It’s time that the two Flitterhearts talk. Starbeam follows along, but stays silent.
“Hi, uh, me.” Flitterheart’s greeting could have used some practice, but it’s too late for that now. There’s a limited amount of time they can spend in the past, and the clock’s ticking.
The younger Flitterheart stares at her older self, jaw agape.
“I don’t have much time, so I need you to listen to me and promise that you’ll do your best to help change the future. Cozyheart is going to… do some very naughty things when she’s older. The princesses are going to punish her in a very mean way, and she will be lost to us forever. Whatever you do, don’t let Cozy go to the School of Friendship.”
The younger Flitterheart just nods, awestruck to be having a conversation with her older self. Her eyes keep glancing to her future cutie mark, a pair of hearts.
Catching note of where her younger self’s eyes keep drifting, the older Flitterheart turns to present the mark for her younger self’s approval. “We get this mark because of Cozy. One of these hearts is ours, the other is Cozy’s. The mark symbolizes a desire to help foals reach their destinies. It’s what I, we, should be doing…” She sighs. “I still love her as much as you do, even though she’s done unspeakably bad things. Life is…difficult in the future because of what Cozy did. Our family is in hiding and Cozy is dead.”
Starbeam’s horn starts glowing and that’s all the time they have. “Stop her any way you can…” are the last words she gets out as they wink back to their own time.
Returning to the present, Flitterheart collapses to the floor in tears. Starbeam pats her on the withers. Emotional support is something the unicorn isn’t used to providing, but she can relate to the scars the mare is carrying with her on her heart and psyche.
“It’s okay. We’re home now. Let’s go visit the statue garden. Maybe she’s not there.”
“Okay.”
And if she is… maybe she'll do something about that, too. Starbeam’s still undecided, but this mare is hurting and there’s an easy way to solve her problem… while giving them both a whole set of new problems.
“Works for me. Good riddance to her. She’s undoubtedly the reason we failed in the first place.”
The two new ponies trotted away from the dais that had been their prison for decades, leaving Cozy Glow alone to rot for eternity, or until she learned how to care about somepony other than herself… whichever came first.
“So what’s the plan?”
“We lay low in a town far on the outskirts of Equestria.” Tirek tested his newfound wings, coming to a hover.
“Then what?”
“It’ll take some time. We’ll need to adapt to these bodies and overcome their shortcomings. But if Cozy Glow could almost take over Equestria in a powerless little body like hers, this should only be a minor setback for us, my dear little love bug.”
“You’re right. They’re looking for a changeling and centaur, so they won’t be looking for a pair of ponies. We’ll be able to blend in anywhere, and nopony will ever be the wiser. Even without my changeling powers, I can teach you all about infiltration.” Chrysalis laughed. “We’ll bide our time and attack when they least expect it!”
Blue Belle and Snuzzle enter from opposite sides, reuniting with Minty center stage. There are tearful nuzzles as they finally make their peace with one another. Minty’s right, it was never about music or money. Their friendship was supposed to come first, and that got lost somewhere along the line. Now it’s time to bring back their friendship, permanently.
The thought of being away from home and modern conveniences is too much. It would be one thing if the ponies had a similar technology level to Earth, but they don’t. Besides, being a ‘human in Equestria’ sounds like somebody’s bad self-insert fanfic.
There are other people who might be interested in this, but not you. You crumple the letter up and toss it into the garbage.
The breezie starts getting bigger and you grin. There’s a world of possibilities open to you now. Who knows, you might even give the page back to Shenanigans. Eventually.
Sweetie Swirl reads the flyer with interest. Gathering up her courage, she trots out the door for a place where she hopes everyone will eventually know her name, and vice versa.
She’s met at the door by a bubbly pink unicorn who introduces herself as Caramel Malt. The waitress is already engaging her in conversation before she’s even seated. The bartender, a green pegasus stallion, seems just as friendly, chatting with the patrons sitting at the bar.
Maybe, just maybe, this was the right call. Sweetie Swirl smiles as she takes a sip of her cider.
Toola Roola looks at the statue in disdain. Statues are supposed to be works of art created by sculptors. This statue’s very existence is insulting to her as an artist. It’s a blasphemy, but there’s an easy way to get rid of it.
The filly pulls a sledgehammer from her saddlebags. She doesn’t have long, the Royal Guards patrol the statuary, and they’ll eventually hear her if she’s not quick.
She smashes the hammer against the petrified centaur and the stone cracks. She hits Tirek again and again, and the stone eventually shatters. She’s not prepared for the stone to flake away from Tirek, freeing him.
“Oh, now this is interesting.” Tirek pulls his hands away from his face and peers down at the filly who’s released him.
Toola gallops away from the centaur, leaving her hammer in the dirt. “She didn’t even give me a chance to properly thank her.” He turns his attention to the petrified changeling and the stony pony. He briefly muses about leaving them in the statue, but ultimately decides that freeing them is to his own benefit. The guards will be here soon, and it’s better if they have three targets to seek instead of just one.
Dewdrop briefly considers doing nothing. She’s hundreds of feet in the air in a sturdy lighthouse designed to withstand a direct impact. She could stand idly by and nopony would even question her as to why she did nothing. Nopony short of an alicorn could ever stop a tsunami. Nopony there would even believe that she could.
She decides it high time she changed that. She gallops down the stairs, making it to the rocky beach in time to see the wave towering high overhead. She’s not scared. It’s only water, and water will do anything she wants it to.
Her horn glows and she starts fighting the tsunami. She may have power over water, but the wave has the power of momentum. It fights back.
She’s sweating as she forces a gap in the wall of water. The wave parts, sparing the lighthouse promontory. Cut in two, the tsunami is no longer a match for her, and she sends most of the wave back out to sea. The wave is powerful, but water is Dewdrop’s domain, and the wave is intruding.
What’s left of the tsunami looms over Horseshoe Bay, threatening ships and the city itself. Dewdrop marches down Mane Street, the wave following her like a puppy. It’s narrowed into a towering wall taller than any skyscraper in the city. She waves to ponies she knows, casually, like taking a tsunami for a walk downtown is the most normal thing in the world.
When she reaches the end of the street she turns around and blows a kiss to the wave, which slinks back the way it came, Dewdrop slowly advancing on it the whole way.
The wave recedes, leaving a freshly washed street behind it, but no damage. Dewdrop’s putting on a show. She wants these ponies to respect her. Maybe even fear her, the way they’d made her fear them all those years ago.
“Not a chance.” If you can turn down cute kids selling cookies, this is a piece of cake. “Our citizens are already grumbling that we have too many ponies. Stealing jobs away from everybody and spreading crime everywhere.”
“Spreading crime? I’ll need to investigate this matter firsthoof. Equestria won’t tolerate that behavior. Can you provide proof?”
“That’s what everyone is saying. I’m sure I can get you some examples.”
“You better. This is a very serious accusation. I’d be very disappointed if you were making it up. It’s the kind of thing that could result in severing diplomatic ties with your country entirely.”
You leave the Equestrian consulate and trudge back to your hotel. That could’ve gone better.
Having nothing to lose, you grab pen and paper, sitting down to physically write a letter. How long has it been since you wrote to someone instead of sending them a text?
Dear Daisy Dreams,
I’d like to do this exchange with you. Can you provide more details?
You sign the letter, seal it up, then realize you’ll have to go to the post office to get a stamp. At least you can mail it while you’re there.
With Fizzy Glitch still glaring at her, G1 Fizzy throws back her head, draining her root beer float in one swift motion. It would be an impressive feat, if not for the whipped cream smeared on her muzzle. “All right, I get the point. I’ll leave.” She slaps a few bits onto the counter and wipes off the whipped cream with a hoof. She pauses at the door, hoping to be told to stay.
“Don’t come back!” Fizzy Glitch shouts after the departing unicorn.
Fizzy lets the door close behind her, tears in her eyes. She’d only wanted to be friends with the kirin. The others in the bar look at Fizzy Glitch with disappointment in their eyes. Something is obviously wrong with their kirin friend. If only she would open up to them and talk about it… Before it’s too late.
You push the thoughts urging you to make witchweed potion to the back of your mind and seek out Katrina. She’s trying to solve the problem logically, but no one is listening to her.
You volunteer your services, and she seems surprised that you’re even remotely functional. The two of you try herding the Frazzits back into the barrel to no avail. The now-hyperactive Heart Throb thwarts your efforts, running through the Frazzits and scattering them in every direction.
Witchweed!
The unwanted voice in your head gives you an idea. “Katrina, do you remember how to make the potion?”
Her eyes fly open in recognition and she hesitantly nods.
“Can you make it from what’s available?”
“Maybe, why?”
Yes, witchweed potion!
“You need to drink some, and restore the balance.”
“But…”
“No buts. It can’t be me.”
She nods, understanding. It’s a complicated process, and the only reason it’s possible at all is because of all the machinery the Dell Dwellers possess.
Katrina manages to make the potion and she drinks it. She grows to twenty feet tall and shoots laser beams from her eyes. The Frazzits react poorly to magic, doubling in number. Katrina roars in frustration.
“Grab the barrel and scoop them up with it!” you shout.
She follows your directions, and soon the Frazzits are returned from whence they came. Order is restored and there’s much rejoicing. Katrina’s intentionally limited her intake of the potion and shrinks back to normal, her energy boost completely expended.
While the immediate danger has passed, there’s still work to be done.
If Katrina is dealing with anything like what you’ve just experienced, she deserves comfort and empathy, to help keep those evil urges at bay. You walk over to her, and without saying a word, the look the two of you shares conveys things neither of you wishes to admit to anyone else present. You nod and she nods back.
Witchweed potion is powerful and addictive. Good cause or not, Katrina’s just relapsed because of you. She’s back in withdrawal, and that’s what caused her to become so cold all those years ago and enslave the Bushwoolies. Witchweed was all she could think about, so much so that it became her. It’s up to you to keep her on the straight and narrow and prevent her from falling off the wagon.
You start walking back to your car and Cherry Pie follows. “Where do you think you’re going?”
“Home with you!” She wags her tail, expectantly.
“Nope.”
“Why not?” She pouts.
“You’re not anybody’s pet. You’ve had a run of bad luck, but you’re still a person.” You hand her some money. “This should be enough to get you to the nearest Equestrian consulate. Go home to Equestria. You may also want to consider getting some therapy.”
While you’re curious about ponies, the rules are the rules. No one’s allowed inside without a shirt or shoes.
You block the path of the three ponies trying to enter your workplace. Standing tall, comically towering over the little ponies, you point to the no shirt, no shoes, no service sign.
The purple pegasus holds up a hoof, showing that she’s wearing horseshoes.
The unicorn objects. “How can we purchase shirts if we’re not allowed inside?”
She raises a valid point. Oh what the heck, rules are meant to be broken. Or maybe… Maybe there’s another way. “Hold on a second,” you say before the ponies can trot off.
You glance around the store. Small and medium aren’t popular men’s shirt sizes, and you grab three from the clearance pile. They’re still too big for the ponies, but now they’re good to go. You let them in and they thank you and introduce themselves. The unicorn is Rainbow Flash, and the pegasi are Feathermay and Lily Blossom.
The three ponies go about their shopping and you’re thankful that you avoided a conflict. The ponies are, in a word, adorable, and they’re also the most courteous shoppers you’ve ever seen. When they move something as they’re browsing, they put it back where they found it. You’re glad you let them in.
Feathermay turns around, inadvertently mooning you in the process. It’s abundantly clear that the shirts do absolutely nothing to keep the ponies modest.
You chuckle. The letter of the law has been followed, and the ponies aren’t shirtless. If your boss wants to complain when he comes in tomorrow and inevitably checks the security footage, he can change the sign to say no shirt, no shoes, no pants, no service.
Whizzer’s never intentionally lost a race before. She’s lived her life in the fast lane since she was a filly. It goes against everything she’s ever believed in. But the car is worth more than the winner’s share of the purse. That thought nags her as she stands in the starting gate.
She’s still thinking about it when the race starts. She finally makes a decision while leading on the backstretch. In the end it’s not the bribe that decides the outcome, but rather the unsettling nature of those men. She feigns an injury in the third turn, going high and getting out of the racing groove. The rest of the pack thunders by her as she unbinds her wings, flying off the course.
She’s not an actress. She hovers, avoiding landing so nopony can get close enough to examine her. She rejects medical attention, citing a desire to see her own doctor, not an equine veterinarian. No one objects to that for fear of insulting her. She flies away, landing in the parking lot near a shiny red Ferrari. The doors are unlocked, the keys are in the ignition, and the title is in the glovebox. Everything appears to be on the up and up, and she drives off, considering retirement. She’s compromised everything she stands for.
The elderly mare is faster than she looks and snaps it up from where it lands. Once more she drives the cephalopod back into the ocean, using the amulet like she’s been using it for years… which she probably has.
Panting for breath, she leans against Daring Do. “I’m getting too old for this.”
“This happens often?”
“Every few weeks. I’m tired of it. Here, take this back to your museum. I never want to see it again.”
Daring nods and drops the amulet into her saddlebags. “It’ll be in good hooves.”
Merriweather whistles appreciatively at the pile of bits the cheerleaders have managed to earn. They’ve managed to go over the amount agreed upon as the magic number to keep their squad. “I guess this speaks for itself. Consider the cheerleading team saved.”
The cheerleaders all jump for joy.
“For this year. You’ll need to continue doing this year after year. The funds needed will go up with each passing year.”
“Don’t worry, we’re up for the challenge.” Razzaroo turns to her friends. “Right, team?”
Mayor Mare sighs. A wall of rumps isn’t the décor she would’ve chosen for her own office. She could say something about it, but a lifetime of politics has taught her to pick and choose her battles. Considering it’s the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and nothing’s drenched in tree sap and/or on fire, she’s already ahead. She’ll wait until the complaints start rolling in. If nopony else cares, she’s not going to say a thing, even if the camera has added at least ten pounds to her own flank, which she notices is under the Paperwork category, along with Raven Inkwell, Rainbow Harmony, and Parcel Post, among others.
She says nothing about it, but Scootaloo motions to it. “So what do you think of our cutie mark database?”
“It’s unique.” It’s the same thing she always says when she’s asked for an opinion she doesn’t want to give an honest answer to.
The Crusaders are proud of their work and cheer her words.
It’s yet another day in Ponyville, and Mayor Mare reminds herself to count the days until her term ends and she can move to another settlement. Preferably one that isn’t so weird.
Mr. Jinks pounces on the two pegasi, hugging them both. “I’ve never had real friends before. What do friends do?” he asks.
“Friends do things with one another. Friends help each other out,” Flitter responds.
“I can help!” Mr. Jinks grabs the Sunstone and places it on his back. “Now let’s get out of here so I can try the pizza and ice cream you were talking about… I hope its tastier than meeces.”
“Golly, I guess I could try this friendship thing.”
Minty gives Cozy a chance, and lets her make mistakes and learn from them. It takes some time, but eventually Minty cares about Cozy, and Cozy actually reciprocates those feelings of friendship. It’s a strange feeling for her, but she realizes she would genuinely miss Minty if something happened to her. It’s a very different feeling than the one she had towards her frenemies, Tirek and Chrysalis.
No sooner does she think it, then she finds herself in Canterlot, falling towards the ground. She flaps her wings, and after taking a loop of her former prison, seeing the snarling changeling queen and the cringing centaur, she makes a beeline straight for Minty’s house in Ponyville. In a world that knows and fears her, it’s the only safe place to hide.
Minty’s house is locked, but she knows where the forgetful mare keeps a spare key hidden. “Oh Minty, I’m home!” She flies straight towards the mare, tacklehugging her.
“Ooof,” Minty groans, reeling from the impact of the now very solid filly. “You escaped your punishment? This is great! We can totally hang out and do things now! How does it feel to be good?”
“Silly Minty, the requirements of my release only indicated I needed to make a friend, not that I needed to become good. Now that I’m free, we could be evil together! I always need lackeys to do my bidding.”
“I’m not really cut out for the evil lifestyle, Cozy.”
“Oh. I’m not really cut out for the boring anonymous peon lifestyle.” Cozy chuckles awkwardly. “No offense.”
“You could try being a hero.”
“Where’s the fun in that?”
“So is this it then? You only used me to escape, and now you’re just going to go be a villain again?”
“I… I don’t know. I’ve become attached to you in a way I didn’t think I could. I think that spell could tell the difference between genuine friendship and fake friendship.”
“Well, duh. You’ve always been all about making false friends. You don’t think the princesses and Discord could possibly be stupid enough to not put in some kind of protection.”
Cozy gives Minty a look that says of course she thought they were that dumb.
“My life may be boring, but nopony’s ever turned me into a statue.”
Cozy taps a hoof to her face, lost in thought. “There has to be a happy medium. Oh, I know! There’s this spell… it pulls a single sock from the dryer every time somepony does laundry. We could cast that, and make sure all the socks come here, to you.”
Minty opens her mouth to object, but stops. “Tell me more…”
“Cozyheart!” Flitterheart whispers. She kisses her little sister’s forehead as she sleeps. Starbeam recognizes ‘Cozyheart’ as the infamous villain Cozy Glow, but says nothing.
She nudges her patron, and Flitterheart turns her attention to the other room, where her younger self is coughing. It’s time that the two Flitterhearts talk. Starbeam stays behind, giving her client privacy until it’s time to return to the present.
Once she’s alone, Starbeam’s horn glows involuntarily as she struggles with her emotions. Everypony says she’s cold and uncaring. They say the same things about Cozy Glow. She has hundreds of spells in her repertoire, but none of them seem appropriate. How do you stop somepony before they do anything wrong? Starbeam has questionable ethics, and she knows it, but the possibilities running through her head scare her. Mind altering spells are illegal for a reason. With that thought, she sighs as the glow from her horn slowly fades. Looking down at Cozy, she wonders if she’s really any better than the infamous filly.
Maybe Flitterheart’s talk with her younger self will prevent Cozy Glow’s later rampage. Starbeam decides that’s the best course of action. Who knows what kind of consequences there could be for trying to alter the past?
Starbeam trots out of the room as Cozyheart pretends to sleep. Little eyes are cracked ever so slightly open, getting a good look at the unicorn intruder in her room. Once the pony closes the door behind her, Cozy’s eyes open wide in horror. That was scary! Unicorns can just teleport into my room at random. Magic is awful. Golly, I wish magic would just go away forever.
“Mecha-Mintzilla™ is online.” Mecha-Mintzilla™ Mark III takes a step, only to hear, “Self-destruct sequence activated.” She lifts her leg, only to find the self-destruct button the bottom of her hoof. “Seriously, who thought this was a good ide…”
“Mecha-Mintzilla™ is online.” This time Mecha-Mintzilla™ Mark IV examines each of her legs in turn, not finding a self-destruct button anywhere. She rears up, but there’s no sign of it on her barrel either. She trots off, thinking she’s safe, only to catch a glance of something red in her reflection. She walks over to the shiny glass skyscraper and stares, dumbfounded, at her tail. The self-destruct button has been placed under her tail, in the most embarrassing place possible. She blushes and sits down without thinking. “Self-destruct sequence activated.” She facehoofs.
“Mecha-Mintzilla™ is online.” Without checking the underside of her hooves, Mecha-Mintzilla™ Mark V starts trotting toward Mintzilla.
This time she makes it to the rampaging pony, and Mintzilla takes one look at the robot and boops her nose.
“Self-destruct sequence activated.” Mecha-Mintzilla™ Mark V spares a quick glance at her reflection in a backyard swimming pool and sees the button located on her snout. It’s the last thing she does.
“Mecha-Mintzilla™ is online.” Mecha-Mintzilla™ Mark VI wastes no time, immediately finding the big red button and pushing it just to get the inevitable over with. “Self-destruct sequence activated.” She sighs. “Why do I even have a self-destruct button?”
“Mecha-Mintzilla™ is online.” Mecha-Mintzilla™ Mark VII stands there. “I’m just standing here not moving. At all. Ever.” Because she’s stationary, she makes a good resting place for birds, one of which lands on the big red button on the top of her head. “Self-destruct sequence activated.” She whimpers. “I’ll be back!”
The movie underperforms at the box office, but Mecha-Mintys become the must-have item of the holiday season. The factory that was made to produce them for the movie finds itself unable to keep up with demand. Versions without a self-destruct retail for a few thousand bits. Versions with a self-destruct retail for even more… and require signing a waiver.
You wisely kept the merchandise rights to the film, making a fortune and purchasing the now-bankrupt studio.
“Sure!” you reply. There’s nothing wrong with going on a date to see if the two of you are compatible. She’s cute, and who knows, you might just be the soulmate she’s been searching for.
She squeals in joy, then kisses you again. “Oh! I’ve got to go get ready! I’ll see you at 7:00! Come pick me up, and don’t be late!”
All eyes turn to Plumsweet, who gulps nervously. “So, funny story, looks like we have a tie. Which means it falls to me to decide the winner.” She looks toward the audience. “Oh my gosh! Is that Rainbow Dash? Look at that style! That grace! Why, I think it’s fair to let a celebrity come up here and make the final call.”
The camera pans away from Plumsweet toward where she’s looking. By the time the time everyone realizes they’ve been duped, there’s a Plumsweet-shaped cloud of dust where the mare had been standing, and a Plumsweet-shaped hole in the studio’s wall.
The engine doesn’t run, but unlike the rest of the car, it’s not beyond saving. She doesn’t need an engine lift to pull the motor from the car. Her magic is strong enough to do the job.
Parts that aren’t metal are in good shape. The crushed velour seats are comfortable, and she has no problems saving them to put in another car someday. The lighting fixtures are still intact, and she pulls them off the car. Assorted bits and bobs get stacked in a corner as the car is stripped of anything useful.
The car isn’t going to need any of those parts, not where it’s going.
She sighs as a flatbed truck shows up to take the car to the scrapheap. She’s wasted a lot of money on that clunker, but she’s learned a valuable lesson in the process: you can’t save all of them.
A month later she’s at the county fair. Her old Lincoln is there, parked alongside four other decrepit vehicles.
“Here comes Grave Digger!”
The crowd cheers as the monster truck enters the dirt track. Lulu adds her own voice to the cacophony as Grave Digger wheelies across the track, slamming into the first of the junk cars. The Lincoln doesn’t stand a chance, as the five-ton monster truck slams down on top of it, flattening it.
