Waking up as Pinkie Pie. Not the usual way things go....
My name is Reid X.P., and one day I woke up in a body that wasn't my own. That was a bit unusual. Even more unusual was the fact the body was pink. And female. I mean, I'd been a guy before!
Oh, also, I was apparently a pony.
Thus began my epic adventures with the body of Pinkie Pie, which would involve cross country trips, dancing librarians, and possibly the apocalypse. Trust me, waking up as a fictional character soon became the least of my worries...
First comes the slow, dreary process of shaking off my sleepiness and convincing my body it's actually awake. Then there's that desperate scramble to memorize what parts of my dream I liked and wanted to write down into a story. That's always fun. Oh, then I glance at the clock to see if I've woken up too early, again. Usually I go back to sleep after that but sometimes I just groan and kick off the sheets.
But on this day... something was a bit different. For starters, I woke up instantly, even though it was four thirty A.M.
"Huh. That's... and my voice?"
I brought a hand to my throat, before realizing that said appendage felt a bit off. So I went about extruding it from under the bedsheets for examination. This took about, oh, ten seconds? Let's call it ten seconds. Eventually, I was able to focus on the end of my arm.
It... kinda just ended. Also, it was pink and fuzzy.
"Okay, that's a bit weird. As is my voice, apparently." I twisted my arm around to view it entirely, noting that there seemed to be a second wrist where my elbow should be... and that my elbow itself had moved up a bit. "So... forelimb designed for support. Quadruped? I'm just going to call this a hoof until another name presents itself."
Was I freaking out? Well... no. I'm a pretty chill guy when it comes to the strange and unusual, mostly because I myself am strange and unusual. I know, I know, it sounds sueish and cliche, but... yeah, as an Aspie I kinda had to focus on nonnormal things for most of my life. People were... disturbing. Most people. A few, though, they managed to connect to me in high school--
I'm sorry, you came here for ponies, not nostalgia! Unless you're a Dream Valley fan, in which case win-win!
So I finished examining my hoof and decided that I should probably check on the rest of my body. Lifting my covers, I peered under; mmmmyep, I was pink and fuzzy all over. Cept for the tail, which was more of a tangled mess then anything and actually seemed to be fuchsia. And my cutie mark, mostly hidden by the green sheet and shadows. To top the whole thing off, I was wearing a blue circle-print pajama shirt and, I belatedly realized, matching socking cap.
"Alright, I'm calling it now. Pinkie Pie. Voice, mane, hooves, sex change and all." Rolling my shoulders, I streeeeetched out in imitation of my patient pet cat Disney (God rest his soul), eventually bucking the sheets off my body and to the side.
I should now mention that I had a loft bed. You know, the kind with a ladder. This was, primarily, because the floor of my room was littered with books, legos, drawings, and papers in a semi-organized mess. At the time, the loft bed had seemed like a good idea.
"Ladder, hooves. Ladder, hooves." I glanced from forelimb to descending plane, and furrowed my brow. "Hokay. This is gonna be a little complicated."
Now, you're probably thinking that I went straight for the ladder. You're wrong. What I did instead was slowly stand up on all fours, stretching my neck forward as my mane brushed against the ceiling. "But Reid," you're asking, "How did you have room to--"
Wait what? Who is Reid? I'm Reid! Reid X.P. at your service. Didn't I mention that?
Anyway, as I was saying before the flow of the story was so rudely interrupted... "But Reid," you're asking, "How did you have room to stand up when you were on a loft bed?" Well, my bedroom's on the second floor, so the ceiling kinda slopes with the roof. If I'd been human I wouldn't have been able to manage it, and even as a waist-high pony it was still a bit of a squeeze, but if there's anything about Pinkie Pie's body you should know it's that it's flexible. Like, oh my gosh is this girl part balloon animal flexible. Makes sense though...
Once I was up on all fours, I began the process of testing each limb's mobility, twisting their joints in a casual wave until I felt familiar with them before putting them back on the mattress and beginning with the next one. That took me, oh, two minutes I suppose... Deciding I was comfortable enough with my new body, I dug in with my forehooves and swung my rump over to the ladder. It was a bit of a hassle to gain purchase on a set of rungs, since my anklebone was longer then I remembered, but eventually I managed to click my hooves on. Quite pleased with my success, I brought one forehoof down to the topmost rung, then extended the corresponding rear leg out. Uh-huh, looking good. I released my mattress from its death grip, casually bringing the last hoof onto the ladder and simultaneously extending my OTHER rear leg....
"WhoaheyWAAGH!"
Yeah. That's when it all went cartoonishly clumsy. If I didn't keep that futon mattress under my bed... well, anyway, I survived.
"At least it wasn't a triple bunk this time," I muttered, rolling into a standing position. "No broken bones, few bruises, tail seems to be okay.... Of course it would be okay, it's hair. Reid, is Pinkie Pie's neurology getting to you already or is this just your own natural randomness?"
I paused, considering my last words as I tilted my head.
"...Okay, from now on, check thoughts for felt texture."
Existential crises averted--I'm more of a pencil-sketch/3d-graphic thinker, you know, sorta like Skyward Sword--I considered my next move. Well, since I wasn't wearing pants, that could be an issue, but then again ponies seemed to sheathe genitalia so maybe nobody would mind. Actually, that was a more practical problem: where were Pinkie's, ahem, holes? Grabbing a pair of jeans with a hole between the legs and, after a moment's debate, some underwear from the laundry basket I'd left sitting out the last night, I went to open my door. Fortunately, it had a handle, and not a knob. Score one for practicality!
By this time it was about, let's say, four fifty? Yep, that's good. I'm not good with time, I have to constantly look at digital clocks. But fortunately for me, nobody was awake. So I trotted across the floor to the upstairs bathroom, which was actually a sink-room and a halfbath. I shut the door and took a look at myself in the mirror.
"...Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie! What's your name?"
Sorry, had to be done. After I finished giggling at my little joke, I decided to turn to more practical matters. Namely, showing the mirror my rear.
Before any of you start gasping in horror, this was purely practical and I was only identifying exit ports, not entry ports. I don't get off on looks. The only thing that arouses me is romance. Strange but true.
"Well, doctor Pinkie, analysis is complete. I thiiiiink it might be time for the practical." Thus saying, I turned my head to the toilet room, took a deep breath and walked in.
Two minutes later, I walked out, somewhere between disgusted and pleased. "Pinkie, I don't know WHAT you ate but I guess I should thank you for helping me with the lesson. Ugh. Maybe that was hay, ponies eat hay..." That triggered another set of questions in my head, relating to the dietary requirements of equines. I groaned as I realized that I wouldn't be able to pack sandwiches for lunch anymore, but tapped my hoof when I remembered the eggs that Rarity had served for breakfast in an episode devoted to sisterhood.
I pulled on my pants, jamming my tail through the hole. Before I left the bathroom, I glowered at the mirror. "Real life ponies are CHEST HIGH. You, Pinkie, are WAIST HIGH. And now I have to suffer for the designer's oversight. I am put out, missy, very much put out!"
With a toss of my mane and a distinctly Rarity-like "Hmmph!" I trotted down the stairs. Well... okay, I fell down the stairs to the first landing, shook my head, got up, and went a bit more carefully down the second half. Time for cereal!
"...Hooves. Spoons."
....Time for waffles!
This is how I learned a pony's nose could get really cold really fast when exposed to a freezer's cold, although it might have just been Pinkie's uniquely cartoonish nature. After breaking off the icicles, I plunked the waffles in the toaster and sat down on the floor to wait.
It was about this time that I finally realized something. I was, in fact, a pony. This, while not something really bad, was at least distinctly unusual. More so then my usual unusual levels.
"This is going to be an interesting day, isn't it."
That's how my toaster sounds when the waffles pop out. I grabbed the foodstuff with my mouth and placed it on the plate I'd gotten out while I was waiting. Normally I'd go for a quick meal but... to my newfound sense of smell, something was missing.
"Hmmmm. Needs syrup." Objectives determined, I pursued my new-found quest with vim and vigor!
By which I mean I opened the fridge and reached out for the syrup with a hoof. A few moments of struggling to grip the thing earned the universe an exasperated sigh, and I decided to just grab the darn thing with my mouth. I placed it onto the counter next to my plate, scrambling to get into the bar-stool height chair--not easy as a waist-high quadruped, but doable--and realized, belatedly, that the syrup had a screw-on cap.
It was a good thirty seconds before I did anything other then stare at the thing.
"...Okay. Reid, put the frustration away for now. What tools do you have at hand?" I rolled my eyes.. "Or at hoof as the case may be."
After a few moment's careful concentration, an idea formed in my head. I clamped the glass jug between my forehooves, bringing it closer to the edge of the counter, and carefully tilted it out. Then I bit down on the lid firmly. Thank the Faust for Pinkie's flexible neck, that's all I have to say...
Once I had opened the jug, it was a simple matter to tilt it carefully over the plate. The viscous fluid descended onto the waffles with wondrous precision. I stopped the flow eventually, putting down the jug and grinning at my accomplishment.
"I have made waffles!"
Then I realized what I just said.
"...I have made waffles." With a sigh, I put my head in my hooves. "This is now an accomplishment. Great. Just greeeeeat."
Another thought hit me. "How in the world am I going to draw?" And then another. "How am I going to use the internet?" And then a third. "Heck, how am I going to use my wallet?" I leaned back, examining my new appendages with a bit more interest. "You guys are going to be a major problem if I don't do something soon."
My stomach made a sound that, in another body, could be described as a rumble but here sounded more like a water balloon squishing around. You know with all the squeakiness and, um, sloshing.
"...Eh, I think better on a full stomach anyway." The hoof thing was important, and I was already rapidly developing a number of ideas ranging from a brony hand servant to cybernetic pony hands. But for the moment, I used my newly found jaw flexibility to chow down on the syrupy waffles. This day was having its ups and downs. And it wasn't even five yet.
Actually, speaking of five, that's when everybody else in the house normally started waking up. The kids--my siblings, mostly, one of them has moved out--would be shaken awake by Mom, who needed them to all get up and get ready for the ride to Church. Since today was a Sunday and all. See, usually I think to mention these details before hand, I think Pinkie's distracting me with her thoughts--ANYwho, Dad would basically just get ready and help get the kids where they needed to go. Of course, there was the whole part where I was pony now, for no as of yet adequately explained reason.
Well, whoop de doo.
I still had a few minutes before that happened, though, so after finishing my meal and putting my plate in the dishwasher (and, yes, putting the syrup away, I'm no heathen), I walked to the stairs. This time I was cautious, pressing myself against the outer wall for stability, and soon enough I had made it back into the comfortable mess of my bedroom. Taking off the stocking cap and shirt--"Pinkie, you have excellent taste in PJs."--I grabbed a t-shirt and, after some struggle, managed to slid into it. Normally I go neck first, arms second, but this new shape necessitated a reversal of the pattern.
Right, back to the question at hand. Hooves. I giggled involuntarily at my mental pun, before running my mind through various scenarios. One particular fanfic, though, suddenly cropped up in my memory; the fic itself was about a college girl rooming with Rainbow Dash, but it had added a small detail of Rainbow getting these sort of rubber band things around her hooves to handle a world built for hands.
"...Big rubber bands, of course!" Beaming at my ingenuity, I tried to remember where the big rubber bands were, but my gaze landed on the metal drawer that served as my precisely organized lego container. "Ooooor something even better, ha!"
I pulled the thing open, digging through the small chambers within. "Where are they, where are they... aha!" With triumph, I removed two black rings from the pile of plastic gears. In the original Mindstorms set, they would have been used as tank tracks, essentially. But now, the rubber circles--and more importantly, the various notches on them--would serve as replacement digits.
It was a bit of a tight fit, but I managed to slip them on around my hooves. Then I headed out of my room and to my computer desk.... which really was just a corner of the wall shelving that happened to be at desk level. More importantly, though, my coat was still hanging off the back of my chair, and in its pockets were a slew of pencils. Oh how I love my pencils... And today, how they would serve me. I grabbed a few of the wooden wands of wonder, sliding them gently between my skin and the rubber of the lego-made product...
"And Viola! Do it yourself fingers. I am totally brilliant..."
I sat down with a sigh.
"...not that they can do anything besides poking."
The loss of fingers hit me hard. Maybe it was a bit slow for me to realize, but... I'm a writer, an artist. It was all I did before I connected to humanity in high school. And now, now I couldn't do much more then type... was this all an exercise in futility?
A felt-feeling thought cropped up then; an image of the rising sun.
"...you're right, Pinkie, there still is a future. I won't let this get me down. I'll... figure out a new way to draw! Mouthdrawings! All the rage in this modern age!" I stood up, pointing dramatically with a pencil. "And I won't stop until... until the spider-kittens tell me to!"
Take the problems, one at a time! That's the Reid way, and that's the Pinkie way too! Wake up as a pony? Get used to the new body! Lose your fingers? MAKE NEW ONES! Don't have a clue what's going on? TO GOOGLE!
Speaking of which, I should wake up my computron. Ah, the iMac. A thing of compact beauty, and so less inexpensive then trying to keep up with the rat race of constantly updating upgrades for electronics. I'm saving for the nanobot revolution, it's totally coming. Self-upgrading computers... won't it be grand?
While I was pondering the future of technology, my computer winked to life and informed me it was ready for work. Right. Log in--no I'm not telling my password--open the browser, type in Pony News to the search bar.
"Huh...."
Well, apparently SOMETHING happened. Flicking through the articles, I got the gist of what everybody was worried about. Lauren Faust was now Princess Celestia; the Fausticorn is become the Lifegiver. Oh, and the week had... a bunch of new days. So apparently today wasn't Sunday anymore? Oh, wait, didn't kick in till tomorrow. Which made no sense, since Saturday was the end of the week. And therefore made perfect sense, since it seemed very... Discordian. Such are the paradoxes of logic.
"Heh, Discord, so contextually predictable..."
Time to narrow down the search. Elements of Harmony, that's of personal interest! I flicked through the new news posts, finding that the elements had been ordered by the Fausticorn to go to New York. Apparently the world was in danger or something. One problem at a time, Reid, one problem at a time...
"Okay. First, New York. How is that going to work? No driver's license, can't drive.... Airplane? Too expensive for short notice. Oh hey, this news article is about Fluttershy!"
Easily distracted by my voice-sister, because EVERYPONY knows Pinkie and Flutters are voiced by the same lady, I clicked the link. Apparently, the shy one had a facebook page.
Facebook.
I... had bad memories.
....but, eventually, I swallowed my pride, reactivated my old account and friended her. Then I shut the tab entirely and breathed in deeply.
"Wow. That was... easier then I remembered. Huh. Hahaha!"
Right, back to the problem, transportation.
"...Excuse me, miss, but are you a pony?"
Scratch that, the problem is now explaining things to my mom.
"Hey mom, apparently people across the world are turning into ponies. Also, Lauren Faust has called me to New York because the world's in danger somehow."
What can I say, I'm charmingly blunt. I gave up on subtlety ages ago, back when I realized I couldn't get my thoughts out my mouth in a way that fitted how I was thinking them. Comes with the aspie territory.
My mother stared at me for a moment. "...Reid?"
"Yep."
"And you're..." She searched for the right word. "Pink Pie?"
"Pinkie, actually. Pinkie Pie. And it's more accurate to say I have her body." I waved a pencilly hoof at the computer screen. "So... yeah, I was trying to figure out how to get there. I'm thinking trains, buses, and hitchhiking--"
"My son is a pony," Mom said flatly. "A female pony."
"...Okay, I'll wait for your shock to wear off." Seriously, she's impossible to talk to when she's dealing with the impossible. Lady of schedules and organizing, when one little thing crops up she always has this little moment of hesitation before she adapts. Maybe this was just a big thing.
Actually, in retrospect I should have reacted a bit more then I did.
...maybe I'm just crazy. Or practical. Crazy practical.
After an awkward minute or two of my mother staring at me. I coughed. "Riiiiiight. So. Um. New York."
That seemed to snap her out of her trance. "What? Oh. Right. You need to get to New York to... fix this, right?"
"Potentially, yes. That's how it works in the books anyway. Epic quest, then back to normal." I shrugged. "Or, you know, acceptance. Either way it's a resolution." I glanced at the computer screen. "Also the world is apparently in danger or something. But that's not a problem I can solve unless I'm in the Yorks."
"Right." Mom gathered herself. "Right. Now, let's see, New York. I know the marching band sends buses up there for the B.O.A., so maybe somebody with the band could help you get up there."
"Or I could travel WITH the band!"
"Bands Of America isn't for a while. I don't think they can rent the buses without much warning."
"...Touche." I tapped my chin thoughtfully. "Still, a route is a route, and there should be a local brony that could drive me down the highway."
"Honey..." Mom looked me in the eye. "You're talking about taking a cross-country trip to another state while you're not in your own body."
"And my body is ridiculously famous," I added unhelpfully, and then, "That came out completely wrong."
Mom shook her head. "But I know what you mean... everybody will know who you are now when they see you."
"Mobs of adoring fans, pictures of me across the intertubulars." I nodded. "I think I know that."
"And... none of this scares you at all?"
I pondered the question.
"...actually... actually it scares me a heck of a lot. The thing is, though, when I get scared, I get focused. Scarily so." I giggled. "Wow, this body is so much better for punning. Anyway, yes, I'm scared. Terrified. And that drive me to act, because if I don't do anything about it... well, where would I be?"
Mom nodded. "...Honey, you know you can always call home if you need to."
"Oh and now you're so ready for me to leave?" I gave a dramatic pout, spinning away. "Oh I see how it is."
"Mmmyep, I've been trying to kick you out for four years now. Not going to miss this chance." Her voice had regained its usual levels of humor.
"I'll be sure to tell everybody I meet that my own mother threw me out on the streets once I got hooves. Should get me a few sympathy meals!"
"Right." Mom glanced toward the kiddo's bedrooms. "Well... you should figure out what you'll need. After I wake the kids up, I'll help you plan your route."
"You're taking this all rather well," I said honestly. "Are you doing all right?"
"....it's a shock, that's all." With that, Mom disappeared to wake up my brothers; my sister tended to wake up on her own, but she needed a prod on occasion.
Right, time to plan. Coat and wallet, taking those definitely. I slipped on the heavy black thing, ensuring nothing was falling out of its place, before grabbing my wallet with my mouth and maneuvering it into my jeans pocket. Probably needed saddlebags, how was I going to jury rig those? Well, there was my old satchel in my room and--actually, taking along the satchel and the various drawings it held might be a good idea, seeing as I could prove my identity via deviant art match-ups if it came to that. But I'd need more containers...
I wandered down the stairs to the under-stair closet--we called it Narnia because it was so HUGE--and went through the plethora of unused backpacks and suitcases. They kinda stack up after five kids going through the school system are added to a few vacations. There was one of those sack-pack things, you know, that kind of sack you can wear as a backpack? I took that, figuring it could store my drawing pads. And my iPad. Then I grabbed an old 101 Dalmatians backpack... well, it was more of a suitcase with backpack straps attached to the back. Bright red, too. My final collection was an assortment of bungee cords which I temporarily stuffed, along with the back sack, into the Dalmatian suitpack.
As I headed back up the stairs, I greeted my five-year-old brother with a wave. His eyes were wide as saucers; I had, previously, assimilated him into the herd.
"You're Pinkie!"
My smile froze for an instant; he didn't recognize me. "Um... Yeah! Your mom said she'd help me pack for my trip?"
"Where are you going?"
"New York!"
He shrugged. "My brothers go to New York sometimes."
"With that marching band, right?"
"Yeah! I wish I could go."
Oh but kid, you already went; you were just too young to remember. I patted him gently on the head. "Don't you worry little guy, if you work hard and find something you reeeeeeally like to do I'm sure you'll be able to go there some day."
He crossed his arms. "I wanna go now."
"But you have to go to church, right?"
"...yeah."
I gave him a smile. "Trust me. What you have right now is worth a lot." And with that mysterious statement, I walk past him. "Maybe you should go eat something yummy for breakfast!"
"Okay!" Ah, five year old enthusiasm. He almost ran down the stairs, headed for the kitchen.
As soon he was out of sight I darted into my room. That had been way too close! I mean, anonymous fans I could handle, I'd probably never see them again, but this was my five year old brother! He'd known me for all his life! How was I supposed to react? I paused to consider what I'd said to him, hoping I hadn't inexorably altered his life path and, thankfully, realizing that all I'd done was give him good advice. And positive reinforcement from a role model. Excellent! Day one as Laughter's exalt and I was already keeping the fans happy.
Out of curiosity I peered at my chest. Nope, no necklace. Well, that was okay, I could figure that out later.
For the moment, though, I approached my old satchel with a perhaps slightly maniac grin. The bungee cords slithered out of the suitpack and into my supple hooves.
"...hook this to that, leave space for a sleeping bag... HA! Finished!"
I stepped back to examine my workmanship. A blanket was wrapped around the bungie cords, which formed a spider web network around and through the handles of the suitpack, backsack, and satchel. It was no Carousel Boutique line, but this set of bags had been masterfully transformed into a glorious, monstrous parody of saddlebags.
"Adam Savage would be proud."
Now, toiletries. Packing a toothbrush and toothpaste was easy enough, my room had its own wet bar, but I had to go to the restroom to gather some soap and shampoo. When I turned around, I saw my sister staring at me.
"...Hi!"
"Um... hey. Reid?"
"Yeah. How'd you guess?"
"Reid's the only one who wears that coat," she replied matter of factly. "Also, I heard about this thing happening from a friend."
"Yeah, I should pay more attention to the news. If you'll excuse me, I need to keep packing."
She nodded, stepping aside. Good little sis, the most grounded of any of us... except my brother, who moved away. Why is it I'm the oldest and he moved away? Eh, I had free room and board, can't really complain. I just missed him.
Well, anyway...
Having put my toiletries, Pinkie's PJs and, after a moment's thought, the only pony shirt I owned into the suitpack (It's a silhouette of Rainbow's face with "20 percent cooler" printed under it), I maneuvered the whole assemblage onto my back. It was still a little unbalanced, but shoving my pads and iPad into the sackback helped a bit and I was planning on taking a sleeping bag anyway. On a whim, I grabbed my Figment puppet/plushie--you know, Figment from that old Disney ride about imagination? Purple dragon, yellow t-shirt? Gads I'm old-- and plunked him on top of the sackback.
"Wow... glad I'm an earth pony, or this would be reeeeeeally heavy!" I glanced back at the puppet/plushie. "Not that you're fat or anything."
So arranged, I headed down the stairs. Yes, the new weight on my back was kinda ruining my maneuvering, but by keeping pressed against the wall again I managed not to lose my balance. Once I was downstairs again, I headed into the garage. "Sleeping bag, sleeping bag. Should be... HERE!" I gripped the thing with my teeth and tugged it out of its friction-held slot on the shelving. Then I hung it off a spare bungee hook under the suitpack. Now all I needed was food! And my iPad charger, I belatedly realized. And a map. And a plan.
These epic adventures are a lot easier in the books.
With a shrug, I went to collect whatever I could shove into my suitpack for snacks. By this point, my other brother was in the kitchen, getting milk for his cereal. He didn't notice me trot into the pantry and shove all the cliff bars and granola bars into my haphazard saddlebags; he didn't look up when I trotted out to raid the fridge for the baby carrot packages. I was just stuffing the last cheesestick into my bag when he finally realized I was there.
"...What the heck?"
"Hey there."
"No seriously, what the heck?" He stared at me. "Who the heck are you?"
I shut the fridge door, having gathered my snackfood for the trip, and gave him a flat look. "Oh I don't know, internet phenomena, one of the main characters on the new pop culture hit, fourth wall breaker, mistress of mania, party pony, swallower of cakes, exalt of laughter.... I have a lot of titles, I get them confused."
"...Okay, so you're a pony." He snorted. "Why are you raiding the fridge?"
"I am about to embark on an epic quest full of mayham and mishaps to the strange and terrible city of New York in order to meet with the transmogrified Fausticorn and thereby prevent the apocalypse." I shrugged. "So I need some noms."
"Does my mom know about this?"
"Yes," Mom said, walking onto the scene. "I've called your brother, he'll be here in twenty minutes."
"Thanks Mom!"
My other brother blinked. "...Wait a minute. Are you Reid?"
"Mmmmyep."
"Why didn't you just say so?" he asked in annoyance.
"Because that was not what you were asking," I replied flippantly. "You were asking who I am, not who I was, and I know you were referring to my physical identity and not my mental one."
After a moment, he just snorted and returned to his cereal. With his hands. This was a major problem for me, finger envy, but I kept myself contained.
"Anyway," Mom added, pulling out her iPhone, "I have a route for you when your brother gets here. I'm e-mailing it to him now. You need anything before you go?"
"Yeah, can't find my charger. Oh, but I raided the fridge and the pantry, so on the food field we're in the clear."
"Oh... well, I'll, um, transfer money into your account."
I looked at her for a moment or two. She still seems a bit off... "Hey Mom? Could you come here?"
"Sure." She walked up to me. "What do you need?"
"...no, hold on, I don't think I can reach up there yet. Could you kneel down please?"
"O... kay..."
As soon as she was in range, I wrapped my forelimbs around her shoulders. "Thank you. Thank you for helping me whenever I needed it and putting up with me for more then two decades. I promise, I'll come back. Okay? Just, please, don't worry about me. You already have a lot on your plate, and knowing that you're back home worrying is not going to do me any favors."
She didn't exactly cry, but it was obvious she was holding back tears. "I'm sorry. It's just, this is sudden and you're my son and--"
"And I get it. Really. Thank you."
"...You're welcome."
It was... well, a moment between mother and son. A moment when we both realized how much we actually meant to each other, how much we had helped the other stand up to the world's challenges. I... had to leave this woman, who meant so much during all my life... I'm sorry, there's no real way to describe it.
After a minute, I broke off the hug. "Right, so! I'm going to go look for my charger."
"Yes. That..." Mom nodded, standing up. "That sounds like a good thing to do. And headphones."
"Oh yeah, can't forget those." I trotted toward the stairs. "Actually, am I even going to need them? I mean I might just burst out into a musical number at any random moment, you know, being Pinkie and all. It's what she does." I paused in my ascent, to give Mom a final look and a smile. "Hey, if I make up any new songs, I'll e-mail you the lyrics, okay?"
"I'd love to read them." She smiled back. "Or hear them."
"Oh, well in that case, I Pinkie promise to only sing in the presence of internet-connected recording devices. And send you the inevitable youtube links. Not the remixes, though." Giving a mock salute, I trotted back up the stairs to gather my collection of traveling wires.
Let me explain how I looked before I go any further.
Picture Pinkie Pie. Yes, that's an obvious starting point, but stay with me. She's wearing jeans that her tail sticks through; they were made for human knees but they're just loose enough to collect around her hooves. A brown-grey striped t-shirt covers the rest of her body. Around her forehooves are thick rubber circlets, holding in place a variety of pencils. That's layer one.
Layer two consists entirely of my coat. It's long sleeved, black, and made of thick cotton. The hood can zip out and the front... well, bottom now, can zip up. I left the front unzipped, though. And there are the pockets, the two near the back that hold and assortment of drawing tools and the two round my chest that hold my phone and a bunch of feathers. I collect feathers from the street. Don't judge. Also there's an inner pocket that holds items of sentimental importance.
Of course, my jury rigged saddlebags make up layer three: On one side, a grey-and-orange satchel with two accordion folders literally JAMMED full of drawings, carefully organized with index cards, and the rest of the satchel's pockets holding even MORE art tools (such as triangles, stencils, and about half a pound of pencils). On the other, a One Hundred and One Disney suitpack, from which hangs a sleeping bag and itself contains food, toiletries, and changes of shirt. These are connected by a network of bungee cords wrapped in a blanket, atop which is my sackbag with my sketchpads and iPad. My earphones and charger hang, unplugged, around my neck.
On top of all this sits Figment, a purple dragon plushie/puppet in a yellow tshirt, looking like Spike's cool older brother.
And my face... or Pinkie's face, rather, hosts an expression of both worry and determination.
Do you have this picture in your head?
Good. Because I looked ridiculous, and I KNEW it. And as my oldest brother--still younger then me, but he's legally an adult--pulled into the driveway and gave me a look, I knew he knew it too.
"...Figment?"
"Obligatory non-talking traveling companion."
"So... a teddy bear, basically?"
"....yeah, pretty much," I admitted.
After a moment, he shrugged. "Well all right. Hop in."
I smiled. See this is why my brother is awesome. He's so mellow, but so deep. I'm mellow and deep too, but that's more because I'm a social recluse. He's one of those actually cool chill dudes, bro. I'm just the weirdo in the corner, drawing fantasy worlds that nobody will ever see.
"Alright, let me just..." I scabbled at the car door handle. "Um... okay, that's not working. Sorry, still getting used to hooves, would you mind--?"
He rolled his eyes, hopping out of the car--oh look, he was wearing his RD tee, the one with RD in flight silhouetted--and opened the door for me. "Your chariot awaits, milady."
"Why thank you kind sirrah, I shall enter posthaste." I clambered into the vehicle with exaggerated dignity, gently placing Figment in the seat next to me before I began to twist into my own chair. "Wow, this tail... okay, I think I got it." I reached out for the seatbelt...but found my brother had already grabbed it and was extending it across me. "Hey! I'm not totally helpless, you know."
"Obviously. You did so well with the door."
I crossed my forelegs. "Fine. So I'm a little bit slow when it comes to grabbing things. I still think I could have handled the seatbelt."
"I'll let you try next time." He shut the door before swinging back into the driver's seat.
The car started and began to roll out the driveway and down the road, triggering two completely disparate urges in my head. One part of my head, the part that woke up early habitually and spent two or three hours on trains and buses, wanted to catch a quick power nap. A distinctly more felt-feeling urge wanted to roll down the window and shout GOOD MORNING HURST TEXAS! at a decibel level normally found at high level rock concerts.
Eventually I took a third option, pulling out my iPad to start browsing the news clips. Working the touch screen with hooves was a pit of a challenge, but it ended up being pretty similar to hunt-and-peck.
So, what was the situation exactly? Faust called the Elemental Harmony Squad to New York, because apparently Discord was doing something evil that threatened the world. People were turning into ponies--one sight speculated the rate was roughly exponential, with the pony population doubling daily, but there was some trouble arranging a proper census to examine the data. Fluttershy was traveling... wait, she was headed for Kansas City? That was almost directly north of here!
"Are we going by the way of Kansas City?" I asked my brother.
"Well, no. Why?"
"The person that got transformed into Fluttershy is headed that way. I thought maybe we could meet up."
He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel--OH MY FLARKING SKREEP, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY GESTURES YOU NEED FINGERS FOR?!--considering my proposal. Eventually, he gave a resigned sigh. "Yeah, that would work, I guess. I'll need to plot out a new route."
"You totally just want to meet Fluttershy."
"They're all good ponies," he countered defensively. "I want to meet as many of them as I can."
"Well... part of Pinkie is in my head, so I guess it could work," I mused.
My brother pulled over at that, parking next to a horse farm, and turned around. "What did you just say?"
"Look, yes, Pinkie is in my head. But it's cool!" I reassured him quickly. "I'm not losing myself or anything, and I'm watching my own thoughts very carefully."
"...Look, Reid, if you're going through some sort of brainwashing--"
"I. Am. Not." I affixed him with a firm glare. "For me this is just like writing, or when I'm on the stage. I talk to the characters, I don't control them. Pinkie's thoughts are here, but they feel like felt. My thoughts don't. I can keep myself separate from her if I so wish, and I do so wish, I'm just respecting her wishes as well. So don't ever suggest that Pinkie is brainwashing me again. She would not do that."
My brother gave me a long, cautious look.
I stared right back at him.
Eventually, he pulled out his phone and opened the door. "Right, I'm... I'm going to plot a new route for us."
"I'll chit the chat with the shy one."
That had been surprisingly... intense. To be perfectly honest, I wasn't sure I was right, but enough had been taken out of my hands already--including my hands themselves, and quite frankly I was NOT going to let my traveling companions worry over the state of my mental health if I could help it. I got enough of that with my usual aspie shenanigans. I wanted them to understand I could still control this one aspect of my life.
In fact, I decided to make the post to Fluttershy's facebook perfectually my own style, ignoring all of the felt urges in my head as I typed in a greeting.
Reid: Heyo heyo! Hail to the fellow hoofed adventurer! I'm tracking my map and yours too, are you headed to Kansas? Cause I am! Maybe we should meet up in Kansas City for a shuffle. Puns and tropes, tropes and puns. Anywho, gotta cut this short, there is a horse here looking at me.
GO SEE A HORSE FLUTTERSHY. IT WILL BE AWESOME. Laters!
Ha! She would never guess I was the Preposterous Pinkie Pie! All she knew was that I was hooved! And Reid! And that there was a horse looking at me curiously.
I lowered my window and waved. "Hey there!"
The horse turned his ears forward.
"....How's the grass?"
The horse's tail flicked twice.
"Good to know! So, um, yeah!" I leaned out to look at my brother. "Can you hurry it up with the map, the horse is creeping me out."
About forty five minutes passed after that, forty five minutes of me fidgeting in my seat while we rolled down the highway. It was really an unusual feeling, being in this living sugar rush called Pinkie Pie; I had long ago developed a tolerance for long road trips, seeing as we made annual visitations to my Oklahoma-dwelling grandparents and their barn for, generally, fourth of July celebrations. But now being still was something of a hassle for me, I had a constant urge to swivel this joint or look out that window or just twitch.
And of course there were the various small things that happened while we drove northwards. Montage time!
***
I was a little bit hungry, so I reached into my saddlebags. After struggling to get a grip on any of my noms, I tugged my hoof out and rearranged my pencil-fingers before trying again. This time I was able to snag a cliff bar, chopstick style. Hooray, I thought, I have accomplished a basic ability!
Then the universe reminded me that the bar was still wrapped.
"Note to self, contact governmental representative and have him pass legislation for handless-friendly designs."
"What was that?" my brother asked over his shoulder.
"Nothing! Nothing at all!" I smiled politely, waving with the hoof that hadn't grabbed the cliff bar. "Just keep driving." I was NOT going to let a cliff bar defeat me, car doors I could handle, but this was something I could LITERALLY jam into my mouth.
"If you need help--"
"I'm fine, really!"
He sighed. "Right. Whatever you say."
Now to unwrap this bar...
No, that didn't work....
No, that wasn't working either...
Maybe this would-- "Ow! My eye!" No, that wasn't it....
Hey, if I used my knees I could--oh flark, now it was on the floor. I leaned forward, straining against my seat belt to reach it.
Perhaps I was overthinking this. A simple twist of my neck might--"Ow! My ear!" How did that even work?!
Eventually, after various attempts to hold it this way with my hooves and tug that way with my mouth, I hit upon a brilliant solution. I pulled out my sketchpad, closed, and put the bar back-up atop the surface. Then, with a quartet of pencils speared through the wrapper's corners, I gripped the rear fold between my teeth and lifted. Slowly, the covering began to peel away, releasing the scents of the energy bar into the van.
I grinned, nabbing my prize and swallowing. Victory had never tasted so sweet.
"That took you seven minutes," my brother informed me helpfully.
My ears flattened. "Thank you for the vote of confidence."
***
"So what was with the horse?"
I flicked my ear forward. "What?"
"I saw how you were scared of that horse. You were never scared before."
"I was not scared," I snorted, "I was just... creeped out. I think it was an uncanny valley thing."
"Horses don't look that human."
"Pony," I reminded him, tapping my face meaningfully. "Different wires. I mean, I'm not sure but I thi...ee...eeeCHOO!"
There was a quiet moment.
"....is this confetti in my hair?"
"Yes," I confirmed. "Yes it is."
"Well... that's... weird."
"Try having it come out of your nose." I rolled my shoulders. "Heck, put on this body for a change. I am so over energetic that I have to force myself NOT to chew out of this seatbelt, and that's not even figuring the proportion changes. My tail's half asleep, I keep getting random twitches that I KNOW is supposed to be Pinkie sense, and to top it all off I DO NOT HAVE FINGERS."
He gave me a small smile. "Or a--"
"That's not as important. Trust me."
"Hey, look on the bright side. You're adorable."
"....as soon as we cross the Red River we are pulling out so I can stretch my legs."
***
".....Dooby dooby do wa, dooby dooby do wa..."
My brother raised an eyebrow, but joined in. "Dooby dooby do wa, dooby dooby do wa..."
"He's a semi-aquatic egg laying mammal of action!"
"He's a furry little flatfoot that never flinches from a frayiayiaaaaay!
"He's got more then just mad skill! He's got a beaver tail and a bill!"
"And the ladies swoon, whenever they hear him saaaaaaaay...."
"Krrrr... um, Chrrt... No, I can't do it. Shreeprats."
We rode in silence for... three seconds.
Then, together: "He's PERRY! Perry the PLAT A PUSS!"
***
After two minutes of entering a simple search phrase into the google searchbar, I grew frustrated with the iPad's typing scheme. Of course, since it was a touchscreen, all I had to do was find an alternate keyboard app. That took about five minutes, and soon enough I was browsing the intertublars with my old confidence. It occurred to me to look at Facebook, see if the Fluttershy person had replied.
I am going to take a shot in the dark and guess you are Pinkie Pie? I got in a bit of an accident and I am stuck in the middle of Kansas, but we could meet in Kansas City in a few days. What do you mean by "See a horse"?
My eyes widened. She had guessed?! How could she have figured out that I was Pinkie?! I was deliberately pushing her back, trying to let my own thoughts be driving the post!
I will admit, with the abject terror running through my head, I squeaked a little bit.
"Everything okay back there?"
"Yep! Nothing's wrong! Just a mild existential panic attack, I have those once a week!"
My brother gave me an odd look in the rearview mirror.
"No seriously, I have existential panic attacks pretty regularly. Mostly when I sit around and stare at the wall. The pony thing is just compounding it." I shrugged. "It's a thing. It happens."
"You... never mentioned them before."
"Yeah, I wasn't much of a talker before, now was I?"
He conceded the point with a nod, but he was still giving me a look somewhere between worried and suspicious. The 'what are you not telling me' look.
"Oh hey, Erishy responded to my message! Look at that, I better type back."
"Reid, you should really talk to me if--"
"No no no, I'm fine, really, it's cool, my problems are my own and you can't do anything to help anyway so please just don't worry about it and keep your eyes on the road."
"Look, we're traveling together and I just want to make sure you don't go crazy."
"I've always been crazy."
"No, you've always used insanity as a disguise for doing whatever it is you want to do. Now that you're actually possibly going insane you think you can use your made up insanity to distract me from your real insanity."
I flinched.
"...just... tell me if it gets worse."
"...what would you be able to--?"
"Pinkie Pie promise," he added forcefully. "You'll tell me if things get really bad in your head."
I sighed. "That would just make it worse. Trust me. It's gone now, anyway."
There was a few minutes of silence. With a shudddering breath, I turned back to the iPad.
Is it really that obvious? I was repressing her for the last post. It was meant to be a big surprise. *Grump grump grump* Oh well, Kansas City Shuffle it is!
No need to worry her, of all ponies. Producing Fluttertears is a federal crime. I pondered the rest of her message, wondering how to explain it to a non-genre-savvy pony.
And I mean see a horse. You are now a pony on a road trip. You need a few random shenanigans before I come along. It's practically required. And as a pony, you should see a horse.
After a moment's thought, I decided to sign off with my own unique gibberish.
As soon as we crossed the Red River, we took the nearest exit into the small town of Marietta and pulled into a local McDonald's parking lot. I managed to unbuckle myself, mentally bringing my number of Finger Accomplishments up to five (waffles, the initial internet search, the cliff bar, iPad keyboard, and now a seatbelt) but had to wait for my brother to open the door. Soon enough, Figment and I were out, stretching our hooves. Well, I was. He was kinda enjoying the view.
"Are you sure you want to bring Figment along?"
I glanced at the lolling puppet/plushie on my back. "...Yes. Maybe he'll distract the rabid fanboys."
"Wouldn't count on that. You want to leave your bags behind?"
"No," I replied automatically. I had an almost pathological need to have the bags in sight at all times; their contents were my identity and quite frankly I was having enough identity issues as it was. "I'll just put them down next to me and have Figment guard them."
"He's a stuffed animal with a slot to stick a hand in."
"He's also a dragon. I trust him."
"Are you sure you're all right?"
"I anthropomorphize EVERYTHING. I named my clarinet back when I was in band."
"Really?"
"Yep. Obsidian, that was her name." We started walking for the door.
"You never told me that."
I smiled. "I never told you a lot of things." My eyes drifted to a sign plastered on the door. "Hmmm. No shirt, no shoes, no service."
"Well, you've got the shirt."
"And these," I waved my forehooves, "totally count as spats. So I'll call them shoes."
"They're on your forehooves, not your rear ones." He held the door open as I trotted in.
"I could only find two, and I thought fingers were more important than toes. Sue me."
My brother looked thoughtful. "Do you think Hasbro could actually sue you?"
"By the loom, I HOPE not!" That would just open a whole new slew of problems...
It was about this time that I realized the McDonald's establishment was unnaturally quiet. Looking around, it was quick to determine the cause of the silence; pretty much everyone, from child to adult, was staring at me. Even more unnerving was the table in the corner, claimed by a three women and one man in colorful clothing. The man was, rather poorly in my opinion, dressed as Pinkie Pie; the ladies took Rarity, Derpy, and Fluttershy influences in their dress. Every single one of them had an expression of awe.
Outside my time on the stage, I have never been good with crowds. In fact the only reason I never panicked on the stage is because I always submerged my identity in that of the character; it was never ME on the stage. But now it was me being stared at and the whole thing had me so rattled (although I didn't realize it at the time) that I didn't WANT to submerge myself into the character. So I dealt with the situation in my usual manner.
I turned to the counter and ignored them.
Granted, the cashier was staring at me too, but at least with him I has a business-based structure of interaction.
"I'd like... hmmm. I think I'll take the number seven salad." I glanced at my brother. "How about you?"
"Hamburger, no mayonnaise."
The cashier, to his credit, regained his composure quickly and rattled off a price. I'm not sure what it was. I've never been good with money. But I paid up anyway.
We went to a corner opposite that of the cosplayers. I dropped my bags beside my chair and placed Figment on top of them so he was giving them a stern glare. We ate our surprisingly delicious meals quietly, and eventually the conversations of the restaurant began up again. Still, every time I glanced across the room, the cosplayers were significantly focused on something or other; I'd done that sort of thing myself to realize they were watching me whenever I wasn't looking.
***
Ten minutes after we got back on the highway, my brother glanced into the rearview mirror. "They're following us, you know."
"The cosplayers?"
"Yep. They all piled into a red van after we left."
I twisted around, peering out the rear window. Yep, there it was, a red van with, surprisingly, the Derpy lady at the wheel. The one dressed as Rarity was riding shotgun; she gave me a little wave.
At a loss for anything better to do, I waved back. The two of them gleamed happily.
After a moment, though, I turned back to the front seat. "I don't know how I feel about this."
"Creeped out?"
"Well, a little bit," I admitted, "but not like oh my gosh call the police levels. More like... more like hey that spider is pretty darn big levels. That Derpy lady pulls it off very well," I added.
"What about the Pinkie guy?"
"His wig sucks. And Pinkie would not wear a skirt, she's way too touchy-feely for that." I pondered. "Maybe a skort. The fingerless gloves make sense though."
"Are we honestly criticizing the cosplay of your stalkers?"
"Mockery alleviates tension, well known fact. The vast majority of American media is based on the principle." I'd even gone so far as to theorize that the reason America hadn't broken down was because it encourage mockery to let off steam before things went down the road of war.
"Fair enough. So what do you think of the Rarity one?"
I twisted around again. "...well since she's currently got an iPhone out, I think she's broadcasting my position for the world to see." With a heavy sigh I slumped into my seat. "I know a lot of people would commit minor crimes to be in my position, but I feel like whining about it."
"Yeah, losing your hand, sex, and privacy sounds like it would be a pretty harsh blow."
"See, you understand. I don't think they do, and... and I can't bring myself to actually rant at them about how unfair the whole thing is. They're just being fans."
"Normal fans don't follow the object of their affection cross country."
"That point is debatable. Depends on the fandom, really." I glanced at Figment. "I think I'm going to play a little prank on the internet."
Carefully, I reached out and turned the plushie so he was looking out the back window. Then I glanced back at Rarityphone, mimed a camera, and pointed at the dragon before snapping back into my seat. Then I pulled out my iPad, googleing Real Life Pinkie. Soon enough I stumbled across a collection of images; the most recent of which involved only Figment, with only a single caption: Spike's older brother?
I grinned, sending a reply. Yes. Yes he is. ---Pinkie Pie. Hey, I could have a little fun, couldn't I?
***
"Right, this is getting ridiculous." My brother turned the wheel, heading for the exit lane. "Obviously they're going to follow us everywhere, we need to deal with these people now."
"Oh come on, they're just having a little bit of fun!"
"I thought you'd be freaked out by this."
"I'm too busy posting comments on the pictures and eliciting reactions to worry about what they intend to do. Jacqueline seems pretty nice, though--"
"Who?"
"The Rarity cosplayer." I tapped my iPad. "She's been going on about Best Day ever, but she also seems to have this thing for fighting off the trolls. Well, the really bad ones. The silly snarky ones she's cool with, and since I'm okay with them too--"
"Look, I get that you're making internet friends and all but we need to know if they plan to do anything more then snap pictures!"
I sighed. "Alright, alright. Paranoid, aren't you? There's a McDonald's, let's pull over there." Honestly I had been trying to avoid this, but he had a point. Interactions through the intertubulars were so much more different then interactions face to face.
Once we slid to a stop, my brother got out and opened the door for me again. I hopped to the ground, glancing at the road we had just come from; sure enough, there was that red van, pulling into the parking lot two spots away. The doors all opened the second the thing stopped running, and the four cosplayers approached me with cautious eagerness.
We stared at each other.
And, eventually, it became clear that I was going to have to make the first move.
"....Um, heya! How's it going?" I smiled a bit awkwardly. "I'm guessing your rumps are tired from all that sitting, so maybe we should just take a little walk around--"
Suddenly I squeaked as the Fluttershy cosplayer lifted me up in a tight hug. "OHMYGOSH YOU ARE ADORABLE!" She snuggled me for all of five seconds before remembering herself. "Oh. Oh geese, sorry, I just, you're so cute!"
I took a deep breath. Then I replied, completely deadpan, "Yeah, I get that a lot."
The girls (and the guy, who wasn't actually hideous so much as didn't fit the costume well) all turned out to be pretty nice people. They were gushing over me, yeah, but whenever they started to get a little too touchy-feely I just had to flick my ears back and they'd restrain themselves. Heck, they even paid the McDonald's guy for my salad. My brother was initially suspicious but after a chat with Linda (the Derpy lady), he seemed to calm down a bit. Maybe it was the fact that Linda had a lovely voice, or their shared knowledge of Kingdom hearts lore, or maybe it was how easy on the eyes she was.
"So, we're headed up to Kansas City. The Shy one is up there."
"Oh my gosh can we take pictures with her?" Ginny was practically bouncing on her feet with a wide grin. "Can we can we can we please?"
I shrugged. "Sure, why not." Seriously, the woman was like the exact opposite of Fluttershy, she could talk your ear off about anything and brimmed with cheerful confidence. Why exactly she decided to dress up as the yellow pegasus I'll never know; I mean, they kinda sounded alike, I guess. "She has a facebook account, if you want to see it."
"That would be quite amazing," Jacqueline replied with a grin. Unlike Ginny, she perfectly fit Rarity's character; in fact, the girls all attributed their stunning costumes to her expert craftsmanship. "I hope the dear isn't in too much trouble."
"Well, she was in a car accident but she didn't get hurt. Let me find the link..." I pulled out my iPad and began to open a browser, only for the thing to go dead. "Oh. Well, flark, this thing needs to be charged. Hold on."
"Let me do it," my brother sighed, holding out his hand.
I glared at him. "What?" I'm very protective of my electronics, ever since my iPhone literally got nabbed right out of my hands.
"Do you really think you can plug something in in your condition?"
My ears flicked back briefly. "....fiiiiiiiiine." Grumbling, I handed him my electronics and watched as he headed for a wall socket. To his credit, he sat next to the iPad while it was charging.
Harold--the Pinkie cosplayer--cleared his throat. "Can you tell us the facebook address anyway?"
"I can't remember it off the top of my head but I think her username is Erica Fluttershy." Instantly four phones were whipped out. "Eager, aren't we?"
"Hell yeah! Fluttershy is best pony!"
Linda snorted. "Gonna have to disagree with you on that one Ginny. Derpy reigns supreme."
"I've never been one to descend to arguments about such things," Jacqueline commented, "but Rarity demonstrates a degree of refinement and elegance that I find quite appealing."
I rolled my eyes and turned to Harold. "Let me guess, Pinkie is best pony?"
"No, Doctor Whooves."
That response could only be replied to with a wild take. "Wahahahah?! Doctor Whooves? Really?"
"Yeah. Problem is, if I dressed up as him everyone would think I was dressing up as the Doctor. So I took the next best thing."
"I'm flattered," I deadpanned.
"Darling, it is incredibly rude to tell somepony they are number two." Jacqueline sipped her coffee in a distinctly ladylike manner. "I still say you would make a good Big Macintosh."
"Have to agree with that," I confirmed. "You're big, you're a redhead, and... hey do you work out?"
"Ti kwon do."
"Ha! So you can buck apples!" My resulting giggles sounded like they came right off the show. "You should totally try to be Big Mac someday it would be completely awesome and hey maybe you'll actually become Big Mac because of all the ponyfications going around and actually get to buck some apples and I just realized that if you're like Big Mac and you're dressed like me OH MY GOSH Big Mac cosplaying as Pinkie Pie that would be hilarious and--"
My eyes shot wide.
"...I'm rambling, aren't I?"
"Yes, and it's fu--freaking adorable!" Ginny gave out a little fangirl squee.
"...Excuse me, I need to use the little filly's room."
I left the table in silence, walking to the back of the restaurant and opening the appropriate door. It was a little odd, stepping into a room that society had long dictated I should be banned from, but that feeling was covered more by my dazed shock at what had just happened. I lifted myself up against the sink, peering into the mirror at my pink fuzzy face.
"...What am I now?"
We stared at each other, pony and reflection, for quite some time.
Eventually there was a knock at the door. "Hey Reid?" It was Linda's voice. "That's your name right? You okay in there?"
"...Uh, yeah! Just... I was a guy before, kinda awkward, that's all!" I shook my head and flushed the empty toilet. The cosplayers were just being fans, and worrying them with my own neuroses would have been wrong. "Let me just wash my ha--my hooves and I'll be right out!" I slipped off the rubber pencil holders, placing them on the side of the sink, pumped some soap into my forehooves--hey, it WAS a public restaurant even if I didn't actually use the facilities-- and pushed the sink handle into the cold water position. Should these count as finger accomplishments...? Nah, I could have done them with my fist.
"Oh. Well, you know, we're all here for you if you need anything." Linda coughed. "Even, you know, personal problems."
"Oh, skreep, no! I don't think ponies even get periods!" I shuddered. "You know what, I don't want to even think about that."
She snorted. "Well, if you ever decide to shake off your manly cowardice or start bleeding between your legs, let me know." Her footsteps clicked away.
I glanced at the mirror. "Yeah, Reid, count your blessings. At least it's fall..."
Soon enough I exited, finger pencils once again in place, and rejoined the cosplayers at their table. They and my brother were busily discussing World of Warcraft things.
"Look, Holy Light is great but if you're going up against a monster twenty levels above you you need a constant heal, not a one-shot spell." My brother shrugged. "Mathematically, it's better in the long run."
"But Paladin's Blessing only works when you're in aura range," Jacqueline countered. "Which means you have to get close to the boss in order to heal, which is suicidal if you're not a tank."
"But Tanks are the one that need heals the most. I don't see the problem."
"What about melee DPSers?" I interjected, sliding back into my chair.
"As long as the tanks keep aggro on them the DPSers are pretty much in the clear." My brother gave me a glance. "You don't even play WoW."
"Doesn't mean I'm not versed in WoW theory. You know, learning for my own video games."
Harold gave me a surprised look. "You make video games?"
"Well, design... I don't actually have anything published. Mostly ideas I'm working on." I waved a hoof dismissive hoof. "I'm a big fan of Extra Credits, though, they give out great advice."
"I've never heard of Extra Credits."
"Online semi-animated lectures on video game design. Range from three to ten minutes per episode."
"Sounds neat."
Jacqueline leaned back into her chair. "Anyway... my point is, sometimes it's better to retreat and heal then try to keep chipping away."
"What if the boss has regeneration?"
She gave my brother a flat look. "All the bosses have regeneration, Ian, that's why the buffers cast Status Effects!"
Oh, I forgot to mention. Ian is my brother's name.
The cosplayers had agreed to take turns riding in the Pinkiemobile (which was silver, but whatever) and of course Ginny had somehow managed to pull the world's biggest puppy dog eyes outside the ponified peeps for the long first leg of the journey. After the first half hour of fangirling over everything, she finally managed to calm down and I finally manged to regain my hearing. We'd spent the rest of the trip chatting about various things--Ginny proved very useful when it came to opening granola bars--and I'd learned that the girl was actually pretty warm and caring. Yeah she wasn't much like Fluttershy otherwise--swore every five sentences, couldn't go for ten minutes without talking, and had the worst singing voice ever--but you know, she was alright in her way.
Soon enough, we came to our destination for the day.
"We are now crossing the Oklahoma river," I announced in a mock dramatic voice. "Before us is Oklahoma city, capital of Oklahoma state. Presumably, the great Oklahoma pirates raided the Oklahoma palace here years before."
In the shotgun seat, Ginny snickered. "Let me guess, they were defeated by the Oklahoma Knight's Order?"
"Sadly, no." I shook my head in great sorrow. "The Oklahoma Pirates managed to evade the Oklahoma Knights when the Oklahoma mothmen rose up against the city dwellers and diverted their attention."
"We get it, Oklahoma is egotistical." Ian rolled his eyes. "There's a Hampton inn up ahead, we should take a couple of rooms for the night."
"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea." My tail was absolutely kinked out from all the sitting I had done, feeling like it had been bent around five or six different ways. "Bed and bath, that oughta do great. Oooo! An IHOP! I know where we're gonna eat tomorrow!"
We finally pulled into the parking lot of Hampton hotel, the cosplayer's red van pulling in beside us. I took a moment to look out the window and gave a frustrated sigh; some lovely people were standing outside the hotel under a big WELCOME PINKIE banner, in various states of brony-related attire. And surrounded by Pinkie plushies.
"Okay, seriously. Did you have to announce me?" I glowered at Ginny.
"It wasn't me, I swear!"
"I've been watching her the whole time," Ian added. "She's in the clear."
I grunted, crossing my forelegs. "Alright, fine. So it wasn't, her, who could it have been?"
"One of the other cosplayers, clearly." Ian opened got out and opened my door. "Time to face your adoring fandom."
"Hey." Ginny reached over and put a hand on my shoulder. "If it gets to be too much, I'll make sure the media f--screws them over. I know people."
"...Thanks. I'll be okay." I unbuckled, breathed in deeply, and slipped on my saddlebags. "Come on Figment, let's go meet all the little me's. Maybe you can eat one of them! Or be friends with them, that would be more appropriate."
Have you ever had a crowd scream your name really loud? Neither have I! They were all screaming "Pinkie! Pinkie!" and I couldn't really turn them down. I smiled and waved, ears pressed flat against my skull. I don't think they got the message that this could, you know, be the end of all things. Or maybe they were trying to encourage me. Or maybe they were trying to encourage Pinkie. Or maybe they just wanted to shower me with flowers for no reason whatsoever.
I took a few of the extra big bouquets in my mouth, handing them off to Ginny. "Go inside, get us two rooms, and please don't tell anyone which ones they are."
Ginny nodded, slipping into the crowd and through the hotel doors.
"Speech!"
Oh no.
"Speech! Speech! Speech!"
Oh no no no, no no no no. Please no! Nonononononono. No.
"I think it would be best to give them a speech," Ian noted.
Traitor.
"What do I say?"
"Um... Smile smile smile?"
I kicked his leg, still grinning at the Pinkie admirers. "I get they want something Pinkieish but I don't have any idea what--"
Jacqueline walked up then. "I'm sorry, I just wanted it to be friends and family. If I had known that--"
'We'll talk later, what do I do now?" My smile was faltering against the constant noise.
She shrugged. "Smile smile smile?"
"You know what I like about this fandom?" I snarked. "Its originality."
"Come on, SPEECH!"
"Look, I really am--"
I held up a hoof. "No wait... I had something there. Hold on..."
Shrugging off my saddlebags, stood up on my rear legs. It took a few seconds to catch my balance--I surreptitiously wrapped my tail around a nearby pillar--but I managed to spread my forehooves in a placating gesture. "Fillies and Gentlecolts!"
The assembled assemblage stopped their chanting, watching with bated breath. I could hear myself thinking again; my ears rose back into their usual position.
"First of all, thank you for this... overwhelming display of support and adoration, I cannot hope to thank you enough! When crazy and discordant events happen, it is the community that we turn to, and I have never been anything but proud of this community, this fellowship that calls itself the Bronies. Even the darkest amongst us will curb their temper to help another, and I have no doubt that every one of you would willingly step forward to help a foal in need."
"Love and Tolerate!" shouted one of them.
"Yes, love and tolerate. And what is love but the greatest sacrifice? This transformation has been an ordeal for a number of people, who may be hiding in their homes in fear of what they will face. If you encounter any more of these ponified individuals, I ask you thus: Be kind to them, and help where they cannot help themselves. Have it in your heart to give generously, as most forms of identification would be rendered invalid by their shift. Don't let your loyalties conflict, place their needs before your admiration. Be honest with them and with yourselves, so that you don't accidentally hurt their psyches."
Jacqueline flinched.
"...Make sure they know they have a true friend in you, not merely an admirer," I continued. "And of course... let them see the laughter and joy in the natural world."
Silence greeted my proclamation.
"Oh.... and tip your waiters, look both ways before crossing the street, and remember to pay your taxes on time! Or Auntie Pinkie will bring live ducks to your house."
They stared at me for a few seconds. I smiled back at them.
Then one of them snorted. The snort became a snigger, then a chuckle, then a full out laugh.
Oh thank God.
As the rest of the crowd joined in the laughter, I bowed and intentionally flailed onto my face. That got them laughing even more, which I took to be a good sign.
I slipped on my saddlebags and walked into the hotel. Ginny was there, clenching her hands nervously.
"Did you get the rooms?"
"Yes. Did you do all right out there?"
"They got what they needed and what they wanted." I yawned. "Oh, wow, has it really been that long?"
"Here, let me take you to your room." Ginny held out a hand; I put my hoof in it and followed her up the stairs.
Of course, after I put on my PJs and got into bed with Figment, Ian snapped a picture and put it on the web. Traitor... but, hey, I guess he deserved a little fun at my expense, since he was driving me everywhere, and I was too tired to care. Or do anything, actually. I was out like a light three seconds after the camera caught us.
A shifting miasma of colors and forms twisting into a landscape populated with clouds and creatures, each with their own story, each with their own legend. Armies move across the plains, individuals slither through the halls of ruined space stations, magic screams through the sky...
You have to understand as a writer, I don't get the normal boring flying dreams or wander through the mysterious restaurant dreams. Well not anymore, anyway. It's a lot more epic in my sleep, where I can follow any one character throughout a day or a year. Heck, I even met Discord once! No lie! Basically, take the sterotypical LSD experience but let the user remain focused, and you have my dreams.
Yes. I am a freak.
Anywho, the night's dream started off pretty normally for me, with a sort of spectral hound dragon thing leaping between floating chunks of red rock against a starry background. I followed in its path, tracing some half formed symbol out of the wake of its constant jumps--
"Hi there!"
Spectral hound dragon thing and I both stopped dead and stared. There was a smiling pink pony standing in front of us, looking as if she had just stepped off a flannelgraph and environmentally quite disparate to her surroundings.
"Hey, so which of you is Reid? I need to talk to him like really really really soon, it's kinda important."
The spectral dragon wolf thing gave me a long, slow look, before bounding away into the night.
"Coward! See if I write you into any stories, hmmph." I turned back to the felt pony. "Alright. So let me guess, you're Pinkie Pie."
"Yeperoni! Well, not exactly. It's sort of a maybe thing. Why are you only hands?"
That question came out of the blue. I glanced down at my hands, examining them. "I don't... understand what you mean--"
"I mean why don't you have a face?" Pinkie tilted her head. "You've got this sort of black thing that kinda looks like the center on an eye but it's just floating there and then there's all this woooOOOooo stuff that goes straight to the hands. It's not really creepy, but it is kinda weird."
"You do know I don't keep mirrors in my dreams, right?" I snorted. "Great. Now this is a lucid dream, it'll take me a while to get my creative energies flowing again. What do you want?"
"I wanna talk! About us! About what's going on here!"
I rolled my eyes. "Okay, so--"
"See, this is what I mean! I saw you roll your eyes, but you don't have eyes, so it was more of a feeling of eye-rolling than real eye-rolling and I'm kinda thinking that's part of the problem here!"
"What problem? There is no problem here, I don't know what you're talking about!"
The felt pony managed to give me a deadpan look. "Really. You don't have a problem? Not after that whole 'Pinkie give us a speech' thing back there?"
"...I've always been bad with crowds. They were being loud. And I handled that pretty well--"
"Hey guess what? I'm in your head! I can see how you think! And it's amazing!" She danced around me, giggling happily. "You've got these micronodes of environments and entire fictional ecologies swirling in a constant web of music and light and dark, like this wonderful amazing forest of vines and wires populated by singing immortal monkey caterpillars, or a setting where the hero only has a small amount of information and is destined to become a major politcal player for THREE different species of aliens, or the whole plethora of your pony OCs!"
I shrugged, a bit of warmth in my heart. "Well, yeah. I like to build worlds, it's what I do--"
"But which node is yours?"
"They're all mine--"
The felt pony pushed me to the ground. "No! They're all theirs! You make the worlds for them! Your characters! The vast majority don't even know you exist! The ones that do want to KILL YOU! And then, when I come along, you ignore me entirely!"
I looked up at her. "So, what's wrong with that? I don't hate you, I just want to stay me."
"Who are you?"
"I'm Reid Xansta Priddy, that's who I am!"
Pinkie snorted. "No, that's just a name. Pinkie Pie, Pinkimena, the Pink one--don't think I didn't see that title, mister, I've had time to poke around here! Doesn't matter what you call me, I know who I am," she finished proudly.
"You don't know who you are. This is a dream. You are a figment of my imagination. A representation of my fear."
"Am I?"
I pushed her off. "Look. We're fighting. This isn't right. We have to work together to get through this, whether or not you're real."
"That's what I'm saying! Why are you ignoring me?"
"I'm not ignoring you!"
"Don't you like me?"
"Of course I do! I wrote the Psychologest series, and after this whole thing is over I'm going to keep writing them!"
She tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Yeah, about that. Why do chapters take so long? I mean you plunked out the Derpy and Lyra chapters really quickly but with Trixie--"
"The more screen time a pony has, the more complicated their issues. And since Pinkie is supposed to use her zanyness in the treatment, I have to focus it down." I waved a hand dismissively. "I haven't even figured out exactly what the next pony will have, it's just a general depression."
"You could have her look at Cadance's wedding and say something like 'Maybe I should date'."
"That..." I paused. "Wow, that could actually work, thanks."
"Welcome." Pinkie smiled. "So, anyway, I just want you to let me out a little more often and stop having panic attacks whenever you slip into character. I'm the element of laughter, the whole freak out thing is totally not me."
"Party of One."
"Cutie Mark Failure Insanity Syndrome. Doesn't count."
"Touche.... speaking of cutie marks, do I have to make parties or anything?"
Pinkie tilted her head. "I dunno. I'm new to this too. Maybe you can ask Erishy when you meet her."
"Or I could ask her over the internet."
"But you won't, because you don't want to worry her."
I sighed. "Yeah... you're right. She's going through so much already... At least I think she is, that's how these things usually work in the fanfics."
"Hey, do you think we're in a fanfic?"
"Infinite universe therom: Everything happens somewhere. So, no. But also yes."
"Oh, it depends on where you're standing! I get it."
"Relative fictionality. I was actually working on a musical number for you where you explain it."
"Neat!" Pinkie yawned. "Well anyways, you're about to wake up soon."
"What? My dreams usually last for hours!"
"Yeeeeeeah... um, about that..." Pinkie rubbed her mane sheepishly. "Side effect of being a pony, short dreams. Also, sorry about the pillow."
"What?"
"Okay, I'll cap off with this:"
She looked me in the eyes.
"Who are you?"
***
My eyes snapped open in the early morning dark, as I clutched Figment to my chest and breathed heavily. For some reason, I just... just couldn't think. My ears were pinned against my skull as I tried to keep myself from leaping up and screaming.
Eventually, I brought my heart rate down to normal. "Juths a shreamth..."
Do not ask how I unconsciously managed to stuff an entire pillow into my oral cavity without ever noticing. I don't know how it happened. All I know is that I had to pull the thing out with my hooves and hope like heck the hotel didn't raise the cost of the room because of the pony spit. After all that had happened the day before, I decided to start my day off right: With a nice warm bath in the hotel-provided restroom.
Insert cartoonish failure at bathing here. This is not something I even want to talk about.
Eventually I dragged myself out of the tub, shivering and covered in soap suds, electrical burns, and more then a few bruises, some in places that are impossible to have with human anatomy. I shook myself dry, doggy style; I just wasn't in the mood to try something as fiddly as toweling myself off. Then I gave one last glance to the mirror to ensure I wasn't straight-maned or anything before trotting out into the still-dark main bedroom.
My brother was still sleeping in the pre-dawn dark, so I decided to just get dressed; after that, I pulled out my iPad. After all, I hadn't checked Erica's messages since yesterday, and she was... I dunno, maybe I was just feeling the "This is somepony who understands" vibe. I opened a reply to my previous comment.
I saw a horse. SO WEIRD. I could understand it but it just knew the most basic stuff. Asked me what herd I belonged to or something but I don’t have one so it just trotted off. I have a feeling they aren’t any more intelligent than dogs. Anyway I wrecked my car and a friendly car repairman is fixing it, letting us stay here while he does. US! I didn’t tell you, my friend who I am traveling with woke up as Shining Armor. Hoping to be leaving here in a day or so and head towards Kansas City. DON’T TRY DRIVING.
Shining Armor? Really? I tapped my chin, considering how to reply to this new information. In the end, I just shrugged it off; aside from not driving, there didn't seem to be any major bits of advice or anything that affected me yet in there.
Still, I opened up a reply; the talking horse, at least, deserved some acknowledgment.
Your horse talked? Wow. Mine just gave me uncanny valley twitches....
I thought back to my dream and the whole felt pony interaction. Very briefly, I considered just telling her about it, but I decided against it; Felt Pinkie had been right when she said I didn't want to worry Erishy. Maybe I could kind of hint at it though...
....Maybe it's because you're the Shy one. Or maybe it's because I'm trying to avoid the Pink one's influence. I thiiiiink the unique powers of the individual pony become accessible the deeper you sink into the body's personality. You're still you, right? Rephrase: Rough guesstimate, how much is You and how much is the Shy one?
My eyes drifted to the calender in the corner of the room. I snorted, remembering a bit late that Discord had shifted some records around for his own inscrutable purposes. Well, best to use that against him!
Also, happy Marsday! On this day two thousand and five hundred years ago, the god Mars declared war on the gods of Egypt. Or at least that's my excuse for the new name. Discord can easily be encapsulated by logic and harmony, the show just has it a bit more literally. Search "Smile Smile Smile in G Major"
I furrowed my brow. No, the first one of those videos had that hideous evil Pinkie image, and this was Fluttershy's counterpart I was talking to. My hoof tapped the delete key until the last sentence fragment was gone.
Search "Best Pet Win in G Major" for a perfect example.
Was there anything else I should tell her about? Oh. Oh yeah...
In other news, I acquired a group of cosplaying stalkers yesterday. They're actually fairly nice, aside from the whole fan thing, and I kiiiiiiinda sorta maybe might have possibly promised them that when we met up you would pose for pictures with them. Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry....
I paused in my typing to open up a new tab and do a quick google search.
Though to be fair, there's that pic of me cuddling Figment in bed that went viral. Pinkie has good taste in PJs.
May the force be with you!
With that, I seen the message off through the magic of the internet. The sun had finally begun to rise, light slithering through the blinds as I carefully assembled my saddlebags and their contents. Ian sat up slowly, stretching in the morning light. "You're up early... I guess some things never change."
"That's me, perpetual insomniac! I hibernate on weekends though."
"It is so weird to hear Pinkie say that." He blinked away his sleep as he swung out of bed, dusting off his clothes. "I'm going to go take a bath, then we should be ready to go."
"Don't forget, we're going to go eat at IHOP!"
"Pinkie Pie at an IHOP." He snorted. "I don't see how that could possibly go wrong."
"Oh don't jinx it. I can see a number of ways. Rabid bronies, burnt pancakes, the wrong syrup, somebody accidentally serving me coffee..." I rolled my eyes. "Trust me, I am ready for anything."
***
Oh how wrong I was.
***
Very slowly, I slid my tongue up my face until I had gripped the pancake. Then I brought it carefully into my mouth and began chewing.
With my vision no longer blocked, I took in the situation. Jacqueline's fork was hovering inches from her mouth, frozen in shock as the syrup slid down her form. Ginny had put a comforting hand on her shoulder, while Linda had buried her face in her own palms. Harold and Ian stood of to the side, cautiously watching the unconscious man that lied shirtless between them. The breeze whispered through the shattered window, twitching a few of the wires on the now partially crushed mechinism laying on the ground. In the corner, a policeman slowly lowered his gun as the gazelle he had been covering chose to take the time to nom on some hash browns.
The manager was halfway out of his office, horror on his features.
I felt my tail twitch and quietly slid to the side. A toaster landed next to me and caught fire.
Finally, I swallowed and cleared my throat. "I think it would be best if we packed up this breakfast and ate it on the road."
The manager nodded, slowly. "It's... it's on the house." The gazelle paused to glance at him before returning to the hash browns.
I nodded at him. "Thank you for being so gracious. Come on, peeps, let's move out."
We maneuvered around the assemblage of pony plushies on the floor, getting the take-out boxes and... really, you had to have been there. I'm pretty sure there's a video on youtube somewhere, go google it.
The IHOP incident may have influenced my decision to let Jacqueline be the shotgun rider on our way to Wichita. That, and the fact I had yet to chew her out over the Pinkie Fan gathering. I mean, really? It was still DAY ONE for me! Of course I decided to let her recover before I did any talking, seeing as she reacted to the ruination of her dress in a rather... actually heart-breaking manner.
...basically, she just slumped down and muttered something about working for three days on the thing. It's an artist thing, okay? If you're an artist, you just feel for your creations. I couldn't really do anything to help her, but I hoped the gesture would at least be comforting. I suck at this sort of thing.
Anyway, there we all were, on the two hour drive to Wichita. Do you know what that means? YES! MONTAGE TIME!
***
"...and that's the last of the pancakes."
"I still have no idea how you do that," Jacqueline commented. "I've been watching you eat the things, but the way you just stuff them whole down your mouth--"
"I'm pretty sure my jaw unhinges." I tapped my cheek meaningfully. "Heck, I think all of Pinkie's bones are a little bit loose. They feel that way to me."
"How do you mean?"
"...well, I cracked my knuckles a lot when I was human," I admitted. "The bone snapping sound was kinda comforting. I can't actually find anything like that with this new body though."
She looked at me as though I was nuts.
"He used to bite down on turkey bones," my brother helpfully added. "Crack them open and lick out the marrow."
"Marrow tastes good!" I protested. "Well, tasted. It's meat now so I guess--"
"No. Stop." Jacqueline turned back to watching the road, just a titch green. "I don't want to hear about this."
There were a few minutes of silence.
"...you know, I did eventually figure out how to pop my wrists--"
"NO NOT LISTENING LALALALALALALALALALA!"
**
I would say I am about sixty percent Erica and sixty percent Fluttershy. I don’t know how that works. Why would you make me watch that video? I’m going to imagine myself talking like that for days now! Lastly, did you at least charge them for pictures? I may be kind but I know an opportunity when I see one.
I sighed, realizing I might have done more harm with that video then good. Then I opened up a tab to reply.
Sixty and Sixty, huh? Quantum flux then, I get how it is. I can sort of feel it more accurately, since Pinkie's thoughts feel like flannograph felt, but there is an ebb and flow. As for the video, it was my attempt to demonstrate that even horrible discordant voices can have harmony. You know, a reassuring "we'll get through this gesture...." I've never been good with those. And I'll talk with them about paying.
Just after I sent it off, there was another beep. I blinked, opening the new message:
Scratch the charging for pictures idea.
Heh... typical Fluttershy. Or maybe Erica. I knew nothing about her... either way, though, it seemed kind of foolish to me not to charge for celebrity photos. I tapped open the response button again.
No the charging thing was a good idea, we'll just discount it for the kiddos.
After a moment, I added
And peeps who buy us noms.
Then I sent the reply off. Wow. Facebook wasn't nearly as overwhelming as I remembered it! Maybe it was only because I was focusing on only one profile, though.
Ian gave me a glance in the rearview mirror. "What are you giggling about back there?"
"Oh, Fluttershy being Fluttershy." I gave Jacqueline a look. "You don't mind paying her if she lets you take pictures with her, do you?"
"Oh, not at all. I pay all the celebrities at the cons when they let me photoshoot with them."
My brother rolled his eyes. "Strictly speaking, that's not necessary."
"It just feels like a decent thing to do after they spend so much getting fawned over by large crowds."
I gave her a sly look. "So, are you going to pay me for that thing back in Oklahoma city?"
Wordlessly, she handed me five twenties.
"...Wow, I was actually just kidding. Um... thanks..."
***
It had been quiet for far too long. I began to tap my hoof against the armrest, starting up a rhythm.
"...There's no need to justify, the meaningless destruction. The voices always tell me that, It's how I'm meant to func-tion."
Jacqueline gave me a confused look. "I don't think I know that one."
"Homestuck music."
"Homestuck... I'm sorry, what is--?"
"It's an internet epic, by which I mean it hits all the points required to be considered an epic in literature aside from being an actual book and is only possible with the advent of the internet. It's rather foul in tongue on occasion, though, and quite bloody sometimes." I opened up a tab on my iPad. "The music is excellent though. The majority is instrumental, and even some of the ones with lyrics are nice. Maybe I should send Erica the link to the Squiddles album."
Ian rolled his eyes. "I wouldn't. It's cutesie on the surface but that last track is just..."
"Hence the joke! It'd be a great prank!"
Jacquiline coughed. "I don't think sending her something like that would be a good idea. She is sensitive, you know."
I slumped into my seat. "Oh.... fine." Honestly, I couldn't wait to meet the other Manes, just so I could swap jokes with them about our situation without worrying about offending them. Erica was nice and all, but... yeah.
***
"I say that Shepard should have ended up with Tali. The way he cared for her was obviously deep."
"I'm not arguing that, but I think they have more of a father-daughter relationship. Liara seemed to connect on a deeper level."
Jacqueline sniffed. "Or perhaps you like her simply because she appeared nude."
"Okay, no, it's not that at all." Ian rapped the steering wheel empathetically. "Liara just seemed more mature, and Shepard was, after all, an adult. Going with Tali is kinda pedophilia."
"It is not! Tali is a mature woman."
"They met up on her pilgrimage. Tali is a teen."
"Was. Not by the third game."
I groaned. "Guys, you realize that Shepard basically dies at the end, right? No matter who he ships with, somebody's going to end up brokenhearted."
"Well, what would you do? Have him remain abstinent?"
I nodded empathetically. "Yes, actually. I mean he never struck me as a romantic in the first place, and after Cerberus was done with him it's not likely he could actually, you know, have kids anymore. Add the whole thing with the Reapers and what sane individual would try to maintain a relationship?"
They both looked at me as though I was nuts.
"...I prefer Femshep anyway."
***
The car and van both pulled into the parking lot of the Wichita Kmart. We all bundled out, me shaking the kinks out of my tail, and gathered together."
"We need to buy some more snacks for the road," Linda began unceremoniously. "Vegetarian for Pinkie--"
"My name is Reid."
"...for Reid, and whatever for the rest of us."
"Also, I can't handle wrappers well," I added. "So, um... apples and non-wrapped things."
Ginny gave me a sympathetic look. "Did you try eating the flowers? You know, from the Oklahoma thing."
"Uh... no, actually, now that you mention it, I guess I could."
Harold glanced around the parking lot. "Maybe you should stay out here. With all the people around it might be--"
"No, I need to stretch my legs. I'll stick around the toy aisles and play with the kiddos, you guys handle the noms."
Ian sighed. "I'll go with him, make sure he doesn't cause an incident."
Jacqueline nodded. "That would be best."
I gave her a flat look. "And what, praytell, is that supposed to mean?"
"You're the kind of person that would crack open turkey legs to get at the marrow."
Ginny recoiled at that statement. "What? Ew! That's f--damn gross! Reid would never--"
"Marrow is soft and yummy," I deadpanned. "Seriously, what's wrong with it?"
"....okay, yeah, I'm sticking to the grocery aisles and making sure you get normal food."
Thus organized, we entered the supermarket. The cosplayers broke away to head for the vegtables, while Ian and I headed for the toys. I practically bounded into the lego aisle, ignoring the odd looks I got from some of the little boys who did not feel comfortable at all with a pink pony next to them. "Oh my gosh. Look at this, look! They've got the new Hero Factory titans here!"
"Reid... you don't have hands."
I ran a hoof gently across one of the boxes. "Look at that piece count, Ian. One Hundred and Ninety Two. Lego is remembering what made Bionicle great...."
"I have to remind you that you don't have fingers."
"Oh my gosh. It's green. Maybe I can use him to spruce up that MOC of mine... he's been needing more support joints... don't know what I'd do with the wheels."
"Hooves, Reid. Hooves and legos."
I sighed. "Yeah, I know." With one last longing gaze at the box, I walked out of the aisle and headed for the Hasbro section. But I paused when something green caught my eye.
"Oh... my... gosh."
Hulk gloves.
Actual, real foam hulk gloves.
I snatched the things up. "Yes. These will be perfect for Erica!"
Ian gave me a confused look. "Oooooookay....?"
"Don't you see? The Avengers had six, the Mane Cast has six, and Fluttershy is totally the Hulk!"
"Alright, I can see the analogy." He gave me a look. "Who's Pinkie?"
"By process of elimination, Hawkeye."
My brother shrugged. "Whatever you say..."
"Yes.... and now Death Battle will HAVE to do the Avengers versus Mane Cast episode. Ha. Haha. HahahAhahaheeehahaHAHAHAHhahaHA!" I clutched the gloves with a maniac grin. "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!"
After a moment, Ian rolled his eyes. "You done?"
"No, wait, I have more. AHAHAhahah HA ha HEE HEEE HEE ha ha ha HAHAHABWAHA ha ha haHAAAAAAA!"
He crossed his arms.
"...okay, now I'm done." I flung the thing onto my back and pointed dramatically. "To the pony aisle!"
We walked into the suffocatingly pink region and instantly I was swarmed by little girls. I ruffled their hair affectionately, smiled a bit, made sure the little kids in the back got a chance to come forward for hugs, posed for pics with this adorable set of red-headed triplets, and reminded them all to listen to their parents. "They're old, they're a bit serious sometimes, but trust me when I say you'll have more fun listening to them than trying to break the rules!"
The moms kept it all under control, for the most part. One of the little kids tried to ride me and threw a tantrum when I just stood there, but that was pretty much the worst of it. A few Bronies also ran crowd control, mostly in the form of distracting the kids and buying them blind bags when I had to move on to the next tyke.
Eventually we got to the other end, and I mimed glancing at a watch. "Wow, is it that time already? Sorry kiddos, Auntie Pinkie has to go and find her friends so we can keep going on an epic road trip!" There was a course of disappointed groans. "Hey now, no frowny faces! Keep those smiles up and who knows? You might see me again!"
With a final wave, I turned and trotted around a corner. As soon as Ian and I were out of sight, we practically bolted to the grocery section.
"Okay that was absolutely weird and crazy. I mean, I know they're the target demographic but still! If I was in my original body all of that would have come across as..." I shuddered.
"Yeah. I guess it's one of the benefits of being a living plushie."
"Hardy har har." That comment earned him a light swat to the knee, but I was smirking a bit. "Eh, they had fun I suppose. Sort of like a Disneyland thing. You remember the talking trash can?"
"Oh yeah."
"I loved the talking trash can. He was so snarky, but the way he came off was absolutely..."
We turned the corner and slowed to a halt. In front of us were the cosplayers; Ginny sobbing in Jacqueline's arms, Harold holding his wig in his hands, and Linda leaning against the shopping cart with a dead look on her face.
"...What happened?"
Linda didn't even look at me. "Fluttershy's been shot."
My mane went flat with an inappropriately humorous noise.
"....Where." My voice had none of Pinkie's usual shine or expression.
Linda pulled out her phone and typed in a query soundlessly. "The city of Salina."
"And where is that, relative to here?"
"It's... directly north of here, about an hour's drive."
I nodded, examining the group once more. An image appeared in my head--a flannelgraph picture of Pinkie lying on her hooves and producing ocular gushers. I took a steadying breath, pushing it aside. "Right. Harold, you take Ginny and Jacqueline to the van. Linda, We're going to purchase the groceries--" I bucked the hulk gloves into the cart-- "and that, and we'll head out. Keep whatever Harold needs in a separate bag and hand it off when we get out; you'll be riding shotgun for this next leg."
"Reid, are you okay?"
I flicked my ears back and glanced at my brother. "No. But that doesn't matter. We need to get on the road now." Without sparing any of them a second glance I trotted for the front of the store.
What was I feeling? There was a crystal in my head, that's what I was feeling. Every motion was built for maximum efficiency, my eyes pointed only forward in a half lidded frown. I pulled my hood up over my flat mane, letting my ears press against my skull. Occasionally I felt something brush against the inner skull, soft and spiny and flailing.... dark thoughts, on how exactly I was going to extract vengeance, idle dreams of slowly peeling the skin from their legs with a doctor on hand to make sure they remained conscious. Equally as often a cold splash would rebound in my cranium; was she curled up, sobbing? Was she unconscious? Has they broken her legs?
All of these thoughts, though, I overrode with a simple statement: We are not there. This is inefficient.
The cosplayers passed by me as I waited in line, ignoring the stares of the various other customers. A few people had their picture phones out; later, when I had calmed down enough to explore the internet, I found that the pictures of me in that line were actually quite disturbing. The captions often read something along the lines of "let's make cupcakes" or "My name is Pinkimena Diane Pie. You Hurt My Fluttershy. Prepare to Die."
And to be honest, that kind of was what I was thinking, except I inserted the step of getting there before the actual baking. Thinking is actually not a good word... it was more like calculating.
Ian put a hand on my shoulder. "Maybe you should check up on her. That's something you can do while you're here."
"We all sent her facebook messages," Linda added. "Well, Ginny wasn't... able to, but the rest of us did. She hasn't replied yet, but if she does--"
"You will inform me." I nodded once in understanding. "I left my iPad in the car. I'll send her a message when we head out."
At that point, we had arrived at the checkout. The cashier was initially overjoyed to see me, but when she caught sight of my darkened fur her enthusiasm plummeted. Linda gently informed her of the news.
She reached out and took my hoof in her hand. "I hope everything will be okay."
I kept silent.
We moved quickly to the parked vehicles, Jacqueline having already buckled Ginny in and still holding her tightly. As Linda handed Harold the groceries for his group, I couldn't help but look at the pink-haired cosplayer. Even through my self-imposed crystal, my heart tightened and pulled at my ribs. Eventually I pulled Figment out of the car, gave him a brief but firm hug, and gently placed him in Ginny's lap.
Something else I could do, at least...
Then I clambered into my seat, retrieving my iPad and taking a deep breath.
I just heard about what happened in Salina. We're all coming. I'm not going to ask if you're okay, that's not something you can just be okay about. But if you'd let me know how you're doing.... well, I can listen, anyway.
Just as I hit the send button, Linda's phone beeped. She gave it a glance. "Shy's replied. Apparently the attackers were some anti-pony terrorists, but she knocked them all out... somehow." She flicked through the internet search bar briefly. "Also... she's using the news coverage to tell everyone she's fine."
I shook my head. "Of course. It's totally in character for Fluttershy to lie and spare the nation any worry." It's what I would do, I added silently. It's... what I've been doing.
Linda glowered at me as we pulled out of the parking lot. "You know, for the Element of Laughter you're awfully depressing sometimes."
"I don't laugh when things aren't funny." My hoof went to my mane, stroking it meaningfully. "And right now things are extremely nonhilarious."
"Could you try to show some emotion?! I don't care if you were a psychopath before all this, an innocent person has been attacked for no good reason whatsoever!"
"I am aware of this fact. Nothing I can do can change what has happened."
My brother sighed. "Forget it. He's not going to be able to focus on anything impractical for a while." He took a deep breath. "He was like this when we lost Disney."
"Who?"
"Our pet cat. Had him since Reid was six, and then one day he just vanished..."
I tuned them out, focusing on the iPad and its sudden beeping. Erica had replied, and rather quickly too. Some part of me relaxed just a bit, realizing if she was still able to type things she had to be conscious and mostly unharmed. Still, I decided to open the reply before I completely lost myself.
I am fine. In the heat of the moment, I managed to gain the element of kindness and it not only stopped a bullet but knocked out the thugs as well. If anything I feel a bit better than I did before. Also, call me Ericashy. I’ve sort of... progressed. Sort of. I feel excellent, and I’m not scared or worried, really. Can’t wait to see you all.
I disassembled this new information. Obtained element, used as bullet-proof armor. Reason behind element gain: Unknown. Element knocked out thugs.... reasonable. Her improved demeanor could easily be a response to the element's sudden presence, or maybe the cause of it....
The part that really worried me, though, was that one sentence. Also, call me Ericashy. That had so many implications woven into it... was she still even there? Did Fluttershy swallow her up? Or was she retreating into the demure instincts as a coping mechanism? Did this happen before or after she got her magic necklace?
Could it happen to me?
I stared at the screeen, letting my thoughts roll about and attach themselves to the crystal wall. I didn't know what to do. Finally, I opened up a new reply tab.
When we get to Salina, you and I are going to have a very long talk.
It wasn't until thirty minutes later that I let out a long, slow breath. The crystal in my head melted away, letting all my thoughts and worries bubble up to the surface of my mind.
"I.... I'm sorry. I just, Erica, and... hearing anybody was shot. Even if they're unhurt, I... Look. I just can't cry about things like that, because I'm too upset to cry. It's too sudden. It's too.... loud."
The car was quiet for a few minutes after.
Then Linda turned around. "Hey. I'm sorry I yelled at you. You didn't deserve that... look, Erica seems to be okay. Even if she's lying to protect us, she'll probably want us to be happy when we meet her. Well, you know, I mean like happy to see you, not like sugar rush happy."
"I know. I... She's alive, and unhurt. And we're finally going to meet her."
"That's a good thing, right?"
I nodded. Yeah, it was a good thing. All this time, I had to keep up a mask of Pinkie...ness because these fans wanted it of me. And the way that Pinkie was pushing in the back of my head did nothing to help my state of mind. But with Erica, I finally had somebody who could relate.
Who knew what it was like to have hooves instead of hands.
Who realized why looking up where you used to just look made you feel inadequate...
Who could make sense of my mind, or at least part of it.
"Yeah... Yeah, this will be great!" I smiled. "I'll finally be able to talk with somebody who understands!"
Linda raised an eyebrow.
"No offense, of course, but..." I waved my pencilly hoof. "This whole thing has gotten to me a lot more then I want you to know, and she probably could help out. So, yeah."
"No, I get it... kinda. I just hope you don't have another freakout."
I shrugged. "I'll try. I mean, I'm still worried, but now I'm excited too!"
There was a funny noise.
"...and now my mane's poofy again! I--actually, I liked it better straight."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Pink curls are just plain creepy."
Linda shrugged and turned back. A sudden image cropped up in my thoughts, where the felt Pinkie was holding her mane and giving me an honestly confused look.
"I stand by my ridiculous claim," I muttered.
In my head, an image of the pink pony in an over-the-top vampire outfit jumped across a felt night sky to needlessly melodramatic music... before smacking into the wall of a felt building and sliding down slowly.
"...still creepy."
***
"Right, the message says to turn right here."
Ian followed my instructions, glancing at the virtual blockade of vehicles and camera phones around us. "I hope we can get past without too much trouble... Some of these people have guns, Reid."
"Makes sense. They want to protect Erica... or Fluttershy," I muttered. "Just tell me when we get near the inner circle and I'll roll the window down."
My brother nodded to his left, rolling down his window. "I think we're already there. Hello, officer."
Indeed, a policewoman stood right next to the car, arms crossed firmly as she glowered. "I'm sorry, sir, but for the safety of miss Erica we are restricting anybody from driving any closer then this."
"That's completely understandable. But, um... I have a pony in the back seat."
"Hi there!" I added with a helpful wave. "I'm Pinkie Pie! Well, I'm also Reid Priddy, but you get what I mean."
The woman looked over her sunglasses at me. "I... see. Hmmm. I suppose you could go on, if you made sure everyone here understood why. I don't want a mob on my hands."
"Meh, easy enough." I rolled down my window and leaned out with a big smile and a large wave "HEY EVERYBRONY! IF YOU RECOGNIZE ME, YELL CUPCAKES REALLY LOUD!"
My ears involuntarily pressed against my skull at the deafening reply.
With a smug grin, I turned back to the officer. "That red van's with us. May we proceed please, ma'am?"
She glanced briefly in the direction I indicated--Harold waved from the driver's seat--before sighing and waving us on. We rolled into a small parking lot, surrounded by trees and a sign proclaiming that this was a campsite.
As we poured out of the vehicles, Linda cave a cursory glance around the area. "So.... where are they?" Ginny seemed to hear the annoyance in her voice and clutched Figment to her chest tighter; her eyes darted around, desperately searching for the yellow pegasus.
"I think they're around here somewhere," I reassured her. "Probably not in plain sight. News van and all that." Casually I indicated the vehicle in the blockade that had a large camera mounted on its back. "Also, Ginny, I claim first glomping rights." She nodded, relaxing slightly.
"Pinkie!" The object of our affections suddenly burst from the bushes, grinning broadly and wearing a hat and glasses... plus, wonder of wonders, the Element of Kindness itself.
I grinned right back, rushing at her. "Flutter--no wait. Erishy!" With unbridled joy I tackled her across the grass, rolling to a stop four feet away and clutching her tightly. In the heat of the moment, I began to release all my emotions in one long babbling speech.
"Oh my gosh it's so good to see another one of us finally somebody who understands you don't look hurt so I'm guessing you're not oh flark you are skreeping adorable--"
Curiosity got the better of me, and I suddenly flipped the surprised pegasus around, gripping a wing and moving it through the motions of flight. "Radial motion of about 168 degrees--"
"Wha--? Was all she managed before I went straight back to hugging her tightly.
"--I was just so scared when I heard the news and now you're here and you're safe and we're together and your necklace looks neat why aren't you wearing any clothes--"
My scientific lust was not sated, however, and I broke off briefly once again to begin counting her ribs. Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen... "Hmmm... I'll count mine later." That established, I clamped on a third time.
Erishy giggled, returning my hug warmly. "It's so nice to meet you! I mean, I kinda remember you but more Pinkie you. From before all this." Then she glanced over my shoulder at my brother and the others. "Hey, are you all okay? You look like you all have seen a ghost."
She gave them all a reassuring smile; Ginny smiled back, finally managing a wave as she released Figment.
Then she turned back to me with a shrug. "Clothes aren't really necessary, I figure. I didn't wake up in any."
I nodded, taking her words at face value. "Anyway it's just superfabulotastic to finally see you in person and oh my gosh I know this is totally Pinkie talking but we should totally have some sort of small party and wait what?"
My brother gently brought a hand to his face as I leaned back, considering the words I had missed earlier in my glee at finding another pony.
"You... see me as Pinkie."
After a moment, I released her, eyes downcast. "Oh. Okay. I can handle that, makes sense." My hoof went to the back of my mane as I coughed awkwardly. "Um. Right!"
Erishy shrunk back a bit, realizing she had said the wrong thing. "Can we all go sit down at the tent? It's really awkward just standing out here." I don't think she realized it, but she was rubbing one of her hooves as she looked at me.
"Sure, hold on." Even with my own problems, I'd made a promise; I stepped to the side, glancing over my shoulder. "Ginny, it's your turn."
Good god, if I'd covered four feet, that girl had hit at least double.
The pegasus seemed to take it all in stride. "My number one fan," she said with a grin. This elicited a squee so loud it stunned a few birds out of the branches.
Linda took out her phone and opened an app, raising an eyebrow at the image on the screen. "Just look at that decibel count." Harold rolled his eyes and swatted her arm lightly.
Erishy whispered something to the girl as she wrapped around her tightly. I could see Ginny rocking back and forth gently, tears coming out of her eyes as she muttered something over and over again. Deciding to give the two of them some privacy, I glanced around for some sort of distraction and found it in the form of a white unicorn who, probably, had come over when we were all focused on the Shy one.
"Oh hey there Shining," I greeted him casually. "Or... whoever."
He turned to me with a small smile. "Julien. Shining seems less... eager to jump inside my head. Less need to."
"Yeah..." I glanced aside uncomfortably. "Need."
Jacqueline cleared her throat. "Ginny, Darling, I know this is a wonderful moment for you... and us all... but I'm pretty sure Fluttershy needs to breathe."
Ginny released the pony with a startled gasp. "OHMYGOSHYOU'RERIGHT! I am so so so sorry you have no idea are you okay I didn't hurt you or anything--"
Erishy giggled as she fluttered her released wings. "I've had worse." Then she turned to me, concern overwhelming her feature. "Now Reid. You seem scared."
I snorted, and tried to wave it off with a laugh. "What really?"
"Everyone can see it," Ian helpfully supplied.
I gave him an incredulous look. "What really?"
"Yep," Harold agreed.
"I had my suspicions," Jacqueline added.
"You were terrified," Linda confirmed.
Ginny glanced between them in confusion. "I didn't notice anything."
"Yes, but you were distraught, darling," Jacqueline explained gently.
I still leapt on the statement. "There, see, Ginny says I wasn't scared. Right Figment?" I turned to the plushie/puppet dragon, who lolled gently on the sidewalk. He believed me, right?
Erishy gave me a brief look before spreading her forelimbs wide with a cheerful smile. "Group hug!"
"Wait what?"
With only that brief warning, I found myself drawn into a massive conglomerate clutch of friendship and joy. After a moment, I rolled my eyes and smiled. "...okay, fine, I'm feeling better now."
Erishy leaned in close. "It's okay to be scared," she whispered. "I know how scary it is to have these other thoughts, and how quickly it can seem like you are losing it, but it isn't bad. I promise, everything is going to be okay." She released the group, ending the hug as suddenly as it began.
I stared at her, processing her words. It wasn't bad? Losing your identity wasn't a bad thing? How could she possibly say that? How could she... Of course. She'd already succumbed to Fluttershy. Well, I supposed there were worse ways to go.
"...Do you peeps mind if the shy one and I have a little private filly talk?" I asked calmly, not breaking my gaze from the pegasus.
Linda shrugged. "So long as it doesn't descend into rule 34 I'm hip."
Shining armor--no, Julien chuckled. "I've got bread, come on everyone." He led everyone away from the scene.
Leaving just two ponies and the birds in the trees.
I turned to the pegasus and took a deep breath. "Alright. Fine. Scared. Accepted. Moving on to more important matters.... ERISHY?!?"
She put up a warning hoof. "Hold on."
"Really?!" I gave her a look of disbelief. What could possibly be more important then Erishy?!
"Scared can't be just moved past. I know that as well as just about anypony else. You have to understand your fear and confront it. You aren't allowed to deflect to me." The pegasus pointed at my chest firmly. "You are scared, because you don't want to let Pinkie in."
"Oh, so now you're a therapist," I growled. "Fair enough. Yes, letting Pinkie in is dangerous. Just like letting Fluttershy in is dangerous. So I reiterate: ERISHY?!"
She gave me a hurt look. "I'm your friend. Or, half of me is Pinkie’s friend. The other half fancies herself a therapist but knows she couldn't cut it. I... I gave in. I was scared, and alone Pinkie. I mean... Reid. I needed Fluttershy to help me, so I let her in. It didn't hurt."
I brought a hoof to my face; clearly she didn't understand the problem here. "Alright, let's try this from another angle. Who were you? Before this."
A few of the birds that had been knocked unconscious by Ginny's fangirl squee flew up into the branches.
"...Take your time," I added helpfully.
The yellow pegasus hid her face behind her mane. "Who was I? Before I let Fluttershy in you mean? A scared girl named Erica. I had been lonely all my life, and I had spent so much time giving my own happiness to others that I forgot how to be happy."
For the briefest of moments, I caught an expression of pain on her face.
"I was kind to the point of hurting myself. But then Fluttershy showed up in my head. I showed up in hers. Either way I feel better now. It's like the pony part of us knows what the human part needs, and they complete us." She looked up at me with a warm smile. "I sound like a nutcase, don’t I?"
"Yeah but so does everyone.... So Fluttershy knew what you needed?" I considered her words with caution; perhaps the fusion hadn't been as permanent and harmful as I had thought.
"I am Fluttershy, and Erica. That's why I choose a new name. But it's more like the pony just is that missing piece. It wasn't a conscious decision to comfort Erica, that's just who I am. Pinkie is happiness and laughter. I'd say you need that pretty bad."
I didn't really want to consider that possibility. So, after a few moments of thought, I decided to change the subject. "Here's a random question. Back when you two were dreamfasting, what did Erica look like?"
Erishy gave me a confused look.
"Oh wait, you don't know what dreamfasting means. Dream talking. That... sort of thing." Honestly, the Dark Crystal was a classic...
She brought a hoof to her chin. "...Depended on the time. She looked human in ones where she was scared or confused, like Fluttershy when she was embracing it."
"Pinkie told me that I looked like a pair of hands," I explained. My eyes drifted down to the bands of rubber and pencils I called fingers. "I... want hands..."
"Well. If I was going to guess, and I am not qualified in the least for this, but I would say you were trying to take control. You were scared of losing control. Hands gave you control over your life."
I stared at her for a full fifteen seconds.
"...Pfffffthahahahahahaaaha! Sorry, sorry, I get what you're saying but.... 'A wise man does not plan. A wise man steers.' Control is not something I'd ever want. Too much paperwork."
Erishy chuckled. "If I can get you to laugh. It doesn't matter if I am wrong. But if you didn't want control, why not let Pinkie in?"
"Actually..." I mulled over how to appropriately explain what I meant. "...Do you remember your face? I'm totally going somewhere with this."
The pegasus shrugged. "I remember I had blue green eyes, blonde hair, and I don't like my nose. I remember what I looked like in a mirror, both as Erica and as Fluttershy." She poked her muzzle for emphasis.
"Yes but do you remember your face? How it felt? Because..."
I glanced away, ashamed.
"I don't think I ever learned how mine felt...."
Erishy gave me a look of pity and sadness. "Reid... This isn't forever." She stepped closer. "This is only until we beat Discord. After that... we will deal with whatever comes then. Together. okay?"
"....yeah. That..."
Part of me just wanted to dismiss it right there, let her think she'd done her job, but something deeper stirred and caused me to look her in the eye.
"Who is Reid anyway? I think that's the question here."
After a moment, though, I turned away. "Sorry, that's a tangent. Maybe we should head for the tents."
Erishy walked up, stopping me with her hoof once more. "A good friend of mine once said, that You are whoever you want to be. If you want to be Reid, then you can be whoever you think Reid is. If you want to be a mix mash like I become, then do that. It's up to you."
"But who is Reid?!" I cried out in frustration. My body twirled around so I was facing the Pegasus once again. "You know what I do all day? I write. I draw. I MAKE. And everything I make has a self, a backstory, sometimes eons of it! I have made nations, worlds, species, families, wars, peace, stars, magicks, dragons, and things that the english language has NO NAME FOR! And every single one of them..."
I shook my head, trying to start again.
"I mean... That's what I do. It's all I do. I... I don't even dream normally. I just use it to plan out more stories. And if Pinkie comes in, all that's going to survive... but I don't know where I will be because I don't know what I am."
Erishy pulled me close. "Reid. Ask Pinkie. Close your eyes and ask her. She is in your head. Ask her who you are."
Obediently, I shut my eyelids.
***
I found myself... well, my hands on a felt stage. The curtains were drawn as I looked around, and I could hear various rustlings in the wings.
"....Um, Pinkie? You here?"
There was a sudden buzz, like wires snapping together. "Ha! Got the sound system working!" Pinkie emerged from behind the curtain. "Oh hey, you're here! I'm almost done, why don't you have a seat?"
I glanced out at the empty theater. "So.... I understand this is a metaphor, but shouldn't the audience be here?"
"They already are." She shoved me off the stage. "Quick! Before we dim the lights!"
I stood up, rolling my eyes, and slumped into a front row seat. "So I guess you heard that whole thing in the real world."
"Well, duh! They are my ears, you know. You're just borrowing them." She glanced around as the light's began to fade away. "Oh no! I have to get into position. Just sit right there, okay, you're going to love this."
I watched as she jumped backstage. All right, what was she planning...?
Suddenly the spotlights snapped on, and the curtains were thrown back. Pinkie Pie was dressed in a surprisngly Michal Jackson-esh outfit, white hat, cane, jacket, and pants, standing centerstage.
"Well who are you you ask? That's a riddle that's hard to solve!
Getting a cutie mark is eas-ee-er and doesn't have so much thinking involved
But if I know something it's this: you gotta start straight from what you do
So let's go deep into your psyche to figure out what's yoooooooooou!"
She started to bob her hips to the beat of the song from nowhere. Around her, felt versions of various creations I had thought up began to form one of the world's oddest kicklines.
"I see that you like to make, now why do you think that is?
You don't seem to want the fame of the big old show biz.
I see that you like to write, stories of every type and kind
This is quite indicative of a very creative mind...."
Suddenly she leaned to the side and twirled the cane.
"But you already knew that, so we'll go deeper still
This self discovery is always quite a thrill!"
As she went back to the original up and down bouncing, I took a moment to examine the kickline. Was that... Cerissa? The spider woman I made just to see if I could?
"When you create, you feel this joy, this esoteric glee
Even if it's nothing anybody else will see
You make and alter and change and shift, always working on your art
Face it, Reid, whatever you do, you're a perfectionist at heart!"
And then she went with the cane twirl again.
"But you already knew that, so we'll go deeper still
This self discovery is always quite a thrill!
At this point, the kickline broke apart and paired up for some square dancing. Pinkie changed her motions, too, opting to pump the cane up and down.
"Why do you worry so much about things no ever sees?
Why does a simple penstroke bring you to your knees?
Because these thing you make, they are your only friends,
You've never learned how to to make real face-to face friends!"
"You just rhymed friends with itself. And I already knew all that."
Suddenly, Pinkie was right beside me, leaning in with a friendly smile. "But don't you see? it's not true! It's all your favorite lie
You lock yourself away so that you'll never have to cry
You're a warm romantic heart in a fortress of self fear
Because sometimes you think you won't like what you hear."
"Okay, so I have issues. How does this help me with my identity?"
"Auntie Pinkie wants you to understand, you really gotta start
from that thing you hide away, that over sensitive heart.
In your time away from people, you think, you plan, you dream.
And once, every so often, you show off your latest scheme.
You're a philosopher, a scholar, but that's just what you do.
You can put on any mask at all and none of them are you."
I slumped in my chair. "So I'm a void."
"No!"
"But you just said--"
Pinkie jammed her hoof into my... well, she blocked me talking. "Listen carefully.
A jack of all trades and master of none
Is often better then master of one.
A man who always wants to help out
will not of his prowess always shout.
You're practical because you love.
You know what it takes to go beyond and above.
You are always exactly who you need to be.
And right now, you need to be me."
"...so what are you saying? If I let you in..."
She jumped back onto the stage, leading my creations in a conga line over a wild set. "I'm not going to lie, you'll like parties more, and maybe chocolate too
But no matter what I have in store you will always be you.
All that you have ever lacked is a way to empathize
And that's the big thing that you'll gain if we synthesize."
The centerstage started to lift, Pinkie riding on the top of a spiral platform.
"Who are you? You are the dancer, the carver, the singer, the man
You adapt to anything, you never need a plan
And once your heart comes out of this paranoia cage
You will at last be able to with other folks engage."
Suddenly, the pink pony jumped, sliding down the platform on her knees as fireworks went off in the background.
"It's a risk, but you can take it! After all you have before.
Every time you wrote or acted, that's what's now! In! Stoooooooooooore!"
I considered her musical number very carefully. "So... just because my whole life is a collection of masks and assumed roles doesn't mean I'm not a person?"
"No less then anybody else!" she confirmed. "Plus you can be more then a cog in the machine this way."
After a moment, I brought my hands together for a round of applause. "I think I understand what you're saying. Thank you, Pinkie."
"Well, it's the least I can do." She winked. "You should probably open your eyes now."
My eyelids fluttered open as I returned to reality.
"...that was one well choreographed musical number. Of course she would use a musical number..."
Erishy giggled at that.
"I... Yeah. I think I should think on this. But..." I turned to the pegasus. "Thanks for listening anyway."
"Do you feel a bit better?"
"Well..." I considered her question, and what I learned from Pinkie's little skit. "I feel, anyway. That's a start."
She gave me a friendly nudge. ""Smile."
"...Nah, maybe later," I quipped with a small smirk.
She leaned in with a mischievous grin. "Smiiiiile."
I rolled my eyes. "You're going to keep this up aren't you."
Suddenly she bowled me over. "Smile!" she demanded, hooves tickling my side.
Involuntary laughter escaped as I gasped for breath. "GAHhahahaHA OH FLARK!" I barely managed to roll away. "Why is PINKIE so TICKLISH?!"
"Because you’re supposed to smile," Erishy explained happily. "Everything will be okay, I promise."
"Meh. I prefer to make everything okay." I stood up on my hooves. "Speaking of, what's the plan from here on out?
She waved a vague hoof. "Get to New York. I may be pretty decent at talking with people but I am not a planner. Not by a long shot."
Her wings suddenly brushed against my ribs.
"Gnffft--" I flinched away. "Okay I get that you are trying to cheer me up but can we please stop with the tickling? I prefer more refined humor. And anyway, what I meant was who's in what car? We got three now..."
The pegasus shrugged."Refined humor is a waste of time when it doesn't actually cheer you up. If I was Pinkie I'd be able to pull balloons out of nowhere or something. As far as rides, I don't know if the cosplayers all tagging along will be safe. They could get hurt, and they don't have one of these to stop a bullet for them." Her hoof tapped the necklace meaningfully.
I sighed at her protest; typical Fluttershy. "Ginny would follow us anyway, Jacquiline would stay with her to make sure she was all right, Harold is dead serious about protecting us, and Linda caves to peer pressure. And I don't have one either." My eyes narrowed as I examined the butterfly-shaped gem. "How did you get that anyway? I thought it was a manifestation of personality."
Erishy let out a sad sigh. "I've already gotten so much help, I feel guilty about accepting so much more. As long as they realize we need our space to sort... This," she gestured between us, "out. I got the element because... I basically tried to take a bullet for someone who I didn't think deserved it."
"Oh." Act of kindness for element of kindness, that made--
My ears flicked back as I realized what she had just said.
"Wait. Stop. Say that again?"
She raised an eyebrow. "...I stopped a bullet to save someone?"
I stared at her.
"...so you, without any knowledge of what was going to happen, still under the influence of Fluttershy, and no prior military training to my knowledge, jumped in front of a gun. Completely unarmored." My hoof was gently introduced to my face. "Excuse me, my paternal instinct is linking up with Pinkie's maternal one and trying to figure out how to react here. You're not going to go Nightmare Whisper on us, are you?"
Erishy looked down at the ground. "If that gun had gone off and killed that man... The entire world would have cried out in pain and anger. A pony kills a human. That is all anyone would see. I would give my life to preserve the future." Her eyes snapped back up, smoldering with intensity. "I was not under the influence of Fluttershy, At the time, that bit had already happened. The point is, it worked out."
She took a shuddering breath.
"I was so scared..."
"Whoa! No no no, no tears--" What had I done? I pulled her into a tight hug. "We're here now. Okay? The scary things are gonna have to get through me."
But it was futile. The flood was already coming, and all I could do was hold her while her body was wracked with sorrow. We sat there for, I don't even care how long.
"I... I don't know what to do. I can't figure this out... I don't know how to fix this."
"...what is there to fix?" I offered, trying to cheer her up. "Life happens. What the hay. You just need to do the best you can."
She shook her head slightly. "Everything. I don't want to lose the Fluttershy part of me, you don't want to gain the Pinkie part of yours... Julien seems upset or scared or something, I don't even know... and we aren't even halfway to New York."
I sighed, nodding in understanding. "Problems, problems, problems... seems the human race has a lot of them. But somehow... we made it to the moon... built great towers of glass... help out the homeless where we can..."
My hoof waved out against the horizon in a sweeping gesture.
"What I'm sayin’ is, no matter what's wrong, there's always something right." I smiled gently. "Am I right... or am I left?"
Erishy snorted, giggles beginning to form through the tears. "W... What?"
"What what?" I replied. Then I smiled wider. "Cheerio pip pip. Stiff upper lip, there's a good lass!"
The pegasus was now giggling completely, her earlier tears vanquished. I felt a warmth against my chest as she smiled back at me. "You going to break into song now?"
"Well..." I considered her question. "Hold on, what time is it?"
She glanced up at the darkening sky. "About 6 I would guess. We’ve been talking for a while."
"Cause I did write this lullaby back before everybody became everypony. It's kinda sad but I think you need shleeples, right? Long day and all that. Or I could do the whole Pinkie number. I want to be original though." Suddenly, I remembered something and facehooved. "Oh wait, I totally forgot. I can't do original numbers without a youtube audience. I promised my mom..."
Erishy blushed. "A lullabye? Like for kids?"
"Mmmyeah... I was role playing a sort of dark scary unicorn who just happened to be a mother but she kinda hid that fact so.... yeah. It's only four verses though," I explained.
"You are silly. I really hope you and Pinkie get along..."
"Yeah... I... yeah, um, I've never been comfortable with crowds. At all. Pinkie's way too comfortable with them..." I shrugged. "But hey, all couples have their arguments, right?"
"You aren't in a crowd right now." Erishy pointed out.
My eyes suddenly narrowed to pinpricks. "OH GEEZE I just said we were a couple. I haven't even dated before! Oh geeze that would mean you and Fluttershy are a couple!! Oh geeze, what is this, a double date?!
"And yes you did." The pegasus practically chortled at my panic. "Luckily we can't see what you do in your head with your wifey wife."
I gave her a sly look. ".....you know I did RP a clop scene for a married pegasus once or twice."
She sighed. "Not helping either of our mental sanity."
"Sanity's a lie anyway, it assumes a norm. Aaaaaaand now mind-Pinkie is making eeeeew sounds." How exactly she managed to do that while in my head I'll never know.
Erishy examined me for a moment. "Curious, can you break the laws of physics?"
"Well...." All the various shenanigans I had been up to got listed in my head. "I sneeze confetti, have a super flexible neck, and apparently am able to stick a whole pillow into my mouth while sleeping. Also I have Pinkie sense, but beyond Twitchie Tail I can't interpret it. And I survived multiple electrical shocks. So... I think I'm on the edge right now. I'm not counting the IHOP incident," I added bluntly.
She blinked. "I thought that had something to do with Discord. I mean, That sort of thing just couldn't happen without magic, right?"
I shook my head in mock sorrow. "Years of watching Mythbusters has taught me not to doubt the ingenuity of fools and physics."
"Anyway, thank you for cheering me up. I really needed it." Erishy gave me a hug.
"Hey..." I hugged her back. "I was just returning the favor."
And that night when I went to put on my PJs I found the Element of Laughter had appeared under my shirt. Whoda thunk it.
I spent the night dreaming about a spider kitten hunting some ratlizards with dramatic technoclassic background music. Okay, so it was a little more complicated then that, but it was a normal dream for me. Occasionally I would glance to the side and see Pinkie in her felt area, but she didn't actually walk over.
It was also a terminally short dream. Sigh... I miss long dreams...
By chance, I happened to wake up as the sun's rays began to stretch over the horizon. My lips opened in a massive yawn, wider then a manhole covering, before I began to struggle out of my sleeping bag. "Mmmmmmm. Good old crazy dreams..."
My eyes wandered over to the east, and there I caught sight of my voice-sister. She was watching the sun rise, a Fluttershy plushie in her forelegs. As I walked up, I noticed the plushie was partially painted black, which was... strangely metaphorical, I guess. I sat down next to her, still in my pajamas.
A tune began to pass, almost unconsciously, through my lips. "...Wake up in the morning, it’s a brand new day ahead..."
Erishy giggled. "You always so happy in the morning?"
"...the sun is bright, and the clouds smile down, and all your friends are dead...." I grinned a bit. "But the ocean is so friendly, the big bright blue diamond stratosphere, and you know you’re going to have buckets of fun, as soon as you can get out of here..."
She turned to me with a quirked eyebrow. "So.. no. Not happy in the morning. That is a pretty dark song to be singing."
"I didn’t write it!" I protested lightly. "And hey, it has a nice beat. Come on."
The pegasus shook her head at my antics, but there was an amused smile on her face.
"Runnnning from Skipper Plumbthroat, last night he murdered all of your friends..." My body began to sway in time with the tune. "Hiding, from, Ski Per Plumb Throat, Gottaaaaa run from your end...."
After a moment, Erishy decided to hum along with me. I grinned, heading over to my sleeping bag and rolling it up.
"He came last night while you were all asleep, and you narrowly avoided death.... you hid behind a rock while he got to work, now there’s no buddies to tangle with--"
"Quick question." Erishy turned to me with concern. "Do you think we will be able to defeat Discord?"
"Defeat...." I considered the question carefully, tilting my head and attempting to find a good way to answer it. "Hmmm. What do you mean by defeat? Stop? Kill? Turn to good?" That last one was tinged with sarcasm.
"Stop. I just want him to stop hurting people."
"Ah. Well, probably." I shrugged, balancing on my rolled up sleeping bag in a manner that would be sitting if I were still human. "Assuming we’re in the subprime, anyway, but there’s no evidence we’re not. You have no idea what I’m talking about do you?"
Erishy let herself fall to the ground, looking up at the sky. "I imagine you are staying so calm through all of this by assuming some sort of multiple universe theory. Sounds like something Pinkie would do. Subprime would mean we aren’t the true reality, and you would be assuming that the primary reality ha--"
"STOP WHOA! NO TRUE REALITY." I held out a hoof. "Okay. Rewind."
How to explain this....?
"...Yes, there are primes that sing louder than other universes and cause echos, but that doesn’t make them any less real. Everything happens somewhere, right?"
She turned her head to me with a placating smile. "Semantics."
"Not so!" I assured her firmly. "To assume writers create is to attribute godhood."
"You are a pink pony. Talking about multiple universe theories." She quirked an amused eyebrow.
I snorted, waving a hoof at her to indicate that while she had a point it wasn't actually one that mattered. "You ever play the Myst series?"
Erishy nodded... before scrunching up her eyes. "Well... I remember them. Keep in mind I also remember raising Angel bunny so I don’t have as tight a connection to my memories as you do."
"Atrus versus Gehn. Gehn says 'WE MAKE THE WORLDS!' Atrus says 'Nah, we just link to them.'" I clapped my hooves together. "That’s my point here. Everything happens somewhere, so everything is fictional, depending on where you stand."
"So you are saying that you assume our world or existence is going to be one where we stop Discord."
I shook my head. "I assume that for us this is real and that for somebody in another universe this is just fanfiction. Or heck, original fiction and the whole MLP FIM phenomena was constructed for the sake of the plot. It all depends on where you stand." My hoof tapped thoughtfully against my jaw. "This could even be recursive fanfic, you know...."
With a snort, I shook my head. "My point is, the 'Are we going to' question can only be answered by action."
The pegasus sat up, looking me in the eye. "Reid... I have spent a lot of time hurting. I have spent a lot of time trying to find reasons for that pain. If I start to think that some being in some reality somewhere caused it directly? I will lose it."
"NO, this is not what I am saying." My hooves went up in a defensive gesture, eyes darting around wildly to figure out how to explain. "...Okay, you write, right?"
"When I can, yes."
"And your characters always suffer something, major or minor." That was the nature of conflict after all... I leaned forward, fixing her with a firm look. "Are you inflicting it on them? Or are you just recording it?"
Let me just say it is unnerving to have Fluttershy glower at you. "I never said I was a good person."
"You never said you were a bad one either," I countered.
She shrugged, eyes falling to the ground. "I don’t think I could write anymore. Not as a mix of these two minds. It would be too painful. When I wrote in the past, I gained a certain....."
"Apathy?" I suggested.
"Catharsis." Erishy nodded to herself. "I was able to take my pain and inflict it on a fictional character. I was able to release it and have some construct deal with it."
"And in this universe, they are a construct," I assured her. "But, given the sheer nature of infinity, they existed both prior and after your writings. What happened to them, BY CHANCE, matches up to what you wrote. And they also happen to have more experiences."
She glanced at me with a small smirk. "I think Pinkie is rubbing off on you a lot more than you let on."
"Nah, I did the whole multiverse thinking before Pinkie." I tried to figure out how to clarify what I meant... before an obvious example hit me. "Okay, take Fluttershy."
"I am Fluttershy."
"EXACTLY! So do you have any memories not from the show?"
Erishy stared off into the distance for a few minutes. "...Yes. I remember, for example, the nightmare that Erica shared with me. I remember my childhood which was never shown."
My hoof pointed firmly at her words."That’s my point. The fandom only knows Showshy, because that’s all that was written. But you are more than that. Therefore all characters are."
"So since I existed and came to this world in which I was created separately, it proves your multiverses."
"More importantly it proves that writers do not control the written."
A question cropped um in my head, and I gave an awkward laugh. "And, um, speaking of memories native to another universe--"
"SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO SLEEP STILL!"
Both of us jumped a little, looking at the tent which housed a grumpy white unicorn.
"....yes, anyway. Ahem." I turned back to her, lowering my voice a bit. "Me and Pinks still haven’t fully synthesized, so... there are, ahem, details that... I need to know... since, you know, male before, different species..."
Oh geeze, this was awkward.
"...Just in case it comes up. You know."
She chuckled a bit, giving me a motherly smile and taking my hoof. We walked away from the early morning tents for a while, until we were some distance into the little campground. Then she turned to me, a very very very faint blush on her cheeks. "What do you need to know? Besides the most obvious bits."
I snorted. Time to be charmingly blunt. "Since I have a different definition of obvious than most people, let’s start with 'Lady bit maintenance' and go from there."
"You wash yourself," she replied with a roll of her eyes, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Besides that, mares go into heat once a year and you just either take lots of cold showers or steer clear of any stallions. Not a problem here." Her gaze flicked back to the tents for an instant. "Well, less of one."
I coughed gently. "Many fics suggest regular artificial relief might handle that problem."
Erishy put on a bright, charming, and utterly sarcastic smile. "Hi, my name is Fluttershy. Not sure if you've ever watched the show or thought about what total recluse means, but I sort of never even thought about it. That time of the year I just spent a lot of time cleaning my house."
I shook my head; good enough an answer as anything. "Okay then. Good to know that. Lesbian pony sex."
Alright, maybe I just flung that last bit on for a reaction, and I totally got it. Yellow fur going bright red is adorably hilarious. "W-What?"
"The pegasus I mentioned was married to a unicorn mare." Technically true, and a convenient excuse.... which actually brought up a different point. "Oh, random question: Transgender pins, real or fake?"
She took a deep breath. "Are you talking about fanfictions? Um, okay so in order." Her hoof shot up, flicking forward as she listed off the relevant points. "There is homosexuality in Equestria, but sexuality in general is sort of a subdued thing compared to Earth. We don’t throw it around or make others pay attention to it."
"I don’t either," I assured her, "I just RPed it for the sake of the characters."
"I know... I know, and Erica did that too." Erishy shook her head. "I did that, whatever. But in the end, Equestria is full of friendship. Most of the time couplings are based as much on how close and friendly two are then some sort of contract. Marriage is only around to give a legal basis for adoption and family structure, but it doesn’t mean anything different than close friends."
I leaned back a bit, smiling awkwardly. "You... do realize there’s more than one kind of close friend, right?"
The pegasus shook her head. "Not in Equestria. A close friend is a close friend. Sexual interactions are so rare that usually a friendship doesn’t change after such a thing, since the friends were so close. Regardless, Transgender pins don’t exist because there are no Gender Identity issues in Equestria."
"Yeah, the fanfic basically had them as an excuse for the lesbian mares to actually have kiddos." I coughed awkwardly, realizing I may have opened a path that I didn't want to tread just yet. "Sooooooo just to be perfectly clear on where I stand: No sex before marriage, too many potential side effects, but okay with close friends."
She nodded. "Sex before marriage is like driving a car before buying it. Not supposed to but it happens all the time."
"Should I mention I don’t have a driver’s license?" I asked in a joking manner. Now that all that was dealt with, it was quite easy to slip back into a casual mindset, one where I could observe details. Like that weight on my neck... oh hey yeah! "I do have this though." Reaching under my PJ shirt, I pulled the mystic necklace and showed it off.
She seemed shocked. "Where did you get that? I mean, you weren’t holding it a second ago."
"Um. I am wearing a shirt. A PJ shirt, but... it was under the shirt." That... made sense right? I tried to remember if I actually woke up with the thing, but grew increasingly worried when I found I couldn't actually remember it.
Erishy narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "Uh huh..."
"Look, I can bend the rules of physics, okay?" So long as I could justify it vaguely, I figured, I could do anything funny. "I don’t have the hammerspace yet but I’m getting there. More importantly, though..." I waved the balloon-shaped gem in her face. "Magic bling."
She snorted. "Yeah, it is good you have that. I wonder if the others have got theirs yet."
My hoof went to my chin thoughtfully. When had this appeared? "...I think I got mine around 'Cheerio Pip Pip.'" It made sense, cheering Erishy up would fit the whole element of laughter thing.
Jacqueline walked up to us as we were contemplating things. She fiddled with her hands, nervously clutching her fingers. "Linda won’t come out of her tent."
Erishy stood up, confused. "What? Why?"
"Well given the rash of mad hoof’s disease I’m guessing our Linda woke up this morning with a big fluffy tail," I suggested amicably.
She shot me a look as we walked back to the others. "Har-de-har, I’m tired, okay?" I gave her an apologetic smile.
Of course, if we'd known who Linda had turned into... well, actually, I don't know what we would have done. Really, it was kind of a surprise, though.
We arrived at the tent, with no drama or fanfare. Ginny and Harold were standing awkwardly off to the side; Ian, on the other hand/hoof/appendage, was kneeling down and clearly trying to talk with the self-imposed prisoner of canvas and zippers.
"I’m just a bit tired!" I should have pegged the voice immediately, but I was more concerned with the slightly panicked tone. "Stop bugging me already!"
Harold stepped forward. "Hey, Linda, we’re here if you need us." He patted the tent comfortingly, in an awkward attempt to reassure his friend; he got an aggravated sigh in reply.
I turned to my brother, a serious expression on my face. "Sitrep."
Ian's eyes ran over my PJs and stocking cap before focusing on my face with a flat expression. "Are you my CO now?" he asked.
"No, I just want to know what’s going on."
"Linda won’t come out of her tent." He shrugged helplessly.
"You could just open the tent..." Erishy offered. "It’s a tent."
Ginny rubbed her hands together nervously. "Yeah, but.... you know, if we just did that... it would kinda be making light of her problems, and, that’s not like nice and shit." She glanced away, trying to hide her face. "I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt her."
Erishy hmmd to herself quietly, examining the grass for a few moments. "...Hey Linda."
"I get that you’re going to say we’re all suffering through the same thing but can I have a few minutes to myself while I try to figure out how to WALK?!"
I scoffed. "In that small tent?"
"I wasn’t going to say that, good guess though." The pegasus looked up with a sly smile. "I wanted to tell you that you’re lucky to have both magic and wings."
"Wait, how would you--"
My eyes went wide as I belatedly connected the dots.
"Oh. Oooooooooooh." My smirk threatened to cut off my face.
"What?" Linda squeaked. "...No. Obviously not, this is just the voice of, um, an OC of mine!"
Erishy snorted. "I listened to 'This Day Aria' on repeat for three days, I could recognize that voice anywhere."
Ginny looked from the pegasus, to the tent, back to the pegasus, then back at the tent. "...Wait, are you saying she’s--?"
"NO! I mean, no! I mean, er, I--" Linda cleared her throat heavily, before speaking in a comedic parody of a deep voice. "I’m feeling light headed--"
"Try saying the word “perfect” without it being all sing-songy," Erishy challenged.
After a moment, the tent sighed. "...Okay fine, I’m her, what more do you want?"
"How many ribs do you have?"
Almost everyone present gave me a loud "WHAT?" in reply to my question. My brother merely facepalmed.
"Cause I totally have this theory that Cadance has a pegasus ribcage because she’s not actually an alicorn, just a winged unicorn--"
Erishy put a gentle hoof on my shoulder. "Not the time."
I rolled my eyes, but nodded. "...In all seriousness, why are you hiding in the tent?"
"I think that may be my fault," said Julien. Who had not been there a minute before. For an ivory unicorn stallion the dude is practically a ninja. "Also, good morning. It is hard enough to get sleep when my body wants to wake up at the crack of dawn."
"OH GOD HE’S HERE!" Linda whimpered inside the tent. "Don’t look at me I don’t even know you I don’t want this to happen--"
The stallion sighed, composing himself. "...Listen, Shining understands. He wants me to guard you with my life but he knows that you aren’t Cadance."
I nodded. "In other news I have eighteen pairs of ribs to Fluttershy’s fifteen."
There was a quiet moment.
"...okay, the part from Julien was comforting, but Reid what are you thinking?"
"I suck at actually comforting people so I’ll just go on a random tangent?"
"....fair enough..." Linda eventually conceded.
Julien cleared his throat. "Also, if you keep hiding in a tent, you’ll never realize that another Cadance just posted a picture of herself on Facebook. Raising a very interesting question: Which one is real." He gave the tent a very flat look.
Wait, what?
"I am pretty sure we have the real one," Erishy stated simply.
I recalled our earlier conversation about the nature of the multiverse. "Um, infinite realities being what they are, I have to indicate by default they’re both real."
"I think they mean who is the imposter," Ian explained.
"Figment could sniff them out." I turned to the stuffed dragon. "Right Figment?"
Figment said nothing, but his expression radiated confidence. It was so overpowering that everyone present took a moment to bask in his self-determination.
Erishy gave me something of an odd look. "....Aaanyway, I think we have the real one, because I haven’t felt any instant love for her, and a Chrysalis version of Cadance would be siphoning love away from others."
"Wait, is that how Changelings work?" Ginny crossed her arms. "I thought they just consumed the magical vibrations generated by love."
"I thought that they had to mask themselves," Harold proffered.
"I thought they were ugly," Jacqueline stated plainly.
The pegasus raided her hoof. "I happen to be half Fluttershy. I know exactly how they feel. You suddenly become attracted to them when they use their power."
"I thought they were pretty cute," I muttered. Honestly, carapace-covered quadrupeds with those adorable insectile wings, what was there NOT to like? "I have a Changeling OC, from the tribe of sorrow...."
Erishy pulled me out of my musings with a poke. "Hey, she is sad. Get in there and give her a musical while I go get everyone breakfast."
I took a moment to examine the tent. "...I dunno, I don’t think this is musical number kind of sad and I’m still in my PJs."
"PJ’s make everything better." She turned away with a flick of her wings. "Getting food now." Ginny and Jacqueline started after her.
"Then why don’t you wear them?!" I protested feebly.
"Because they are itchy on fur!" she shouted back.
Yah know, I don't think Shy was ever a morning mare before. I mean she always had Angel brew her this really hot cup of tea before she did anything with the animals and I mean really hot like it melted the tablecloth once--
I snorted, shaking my head. "I get it." Harold gave me a curious look, but I just shrugged. "Sorry, thinking out loud."
My mind went to the task at hand. I weighed the element of laughter in my hooves, trying to determine what exactly would comfort Linda in this situation. Well... what was she afraid of? Losing herself, falling in love with a man she'd only just met, the whole pony thing.... oh, and Chrysalis, that was probably a big one. Well, I could do something with that last one.
I scrabbled at the tent zipper for a few seconds before Ian, helpfully, opened it for me. Then I chucked in my magic bling.
"OW! What the--?" Linda rubbed her head, wrapping a hoof around the golden object and bringing it to eye level. "Wait, is this the Element of Laughter?"
"Yeah. And Shy has the Element of Kindness. And to my knowledge Chrysalis has no changeling army, or supercharged love magic." I stepped in with a shrug. "So basically the tables are turned and stuff like that."
"She also is probably a human, just as scared as we all are."
"WAAAA!"
Linda's wings flared in a panic as she shut her eyes, swinging away from the source of the new voice. I looked over to her other side, raising an annoyed eyebrow. "Okay seriously, I’m the teleporting one, how did you get in here?"
Julien grinned. "Literal teleportation. I am a guard with guard magic. and a unicorn. You'd be surprised how many attack spells an Equestrian guard is taught."
"Five?"
He smirked. "Six."
I nodded, tapping my chin. "Oh, right, the Harmony number, should have spotted that."
Linda, meanwhile, was clutching her head and rocking back and forth gently. "I’m not looking, I’m not looking, I am my own mare--WOMAN! My own woman!" It... wasn't pretty, but let's be honest, any woman having a breakdown isn't pretty. Especially if they're a pretty pink pony princess.
Julien seemed to take the rejection with a fair share of amusement, though I noticed a tinge of bitterness in his voice. "Never thought I would have women desperately trying NOT to fall to my handsome charms."
"...Yeeeeeeeah not touching that one." I coughed gently. "Anywho. Linda, you have to look at him sometime. Better to do it when you’re prepared. Julien no sudden kissing to mess with her," I added as an afterthought.
"I’ve known her less than a day. Sorry, but I’m not that type of stallion."
Well, at least he was decent about the whole debacle.
The pink pony princess put her forehooves against the ground and took a deep breath. "I... am in.... control." She let her eyes slowly open, glancing first at her own hooves then turning to her left.
I gave her a gentle smile and a reassuring pat, pointing across the tent. "He’s over there. Just turn your head to the right. Sloooooooowly....."
She nodded, taking another steadying lungful of air. "I... am in... con..."
When she caught sight of Julien, her voice trailed off. Her wings, already flared wide out of fear, tilted in and up ever so slightly.
A tense silence filled the moment.
"...damn."
My ears pricked forward at that resigned statement. "What?"
"I hate to say this, but it’s something we both agree on."
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..." I had to take a breath for a second. "...eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?"
"....he’s totally smoking hot."
The white unicorn facehooved.
I considered her words. "The punster in me wants to go pyro... But more importantly, can you control your urges?"
"I..." She nodded, glancing away from Julien. "Yes. Yes. I’m okay now. He is hot, and this is a fact, and it is not effecting my decision making process."
The unicorn smiled, standing up. "Okay, good. Now I’ve got to start taking down our tent." He walked out of the tent a bit too casually; I noticed that, perhaps, he may have been showing off his flank or it could be an accident. Probably was an accident, to be honest, but that didn't stop Linda's wing from jerking just a titch.
I gave her a look.
She noticed. "...don’t you dare."
A small snicker escaped my lips.
"Don’t you even dare." Linda finally regained control of her wings and clamped them down tightly. "Reid, don’t even think about it."
My face split out in a wide grin. Like, super wide, Cheshire cat wide.
"You know what, I’m out of here." Linda stood, stepped out of the tent, and promptly tripped over her own legs.
Julien gave her a concerned look as he stopped folding his own canvas house. "You okay?"
"Aside from the stickers on my snout? Yes." Linda's voice was utterly deadpan.
I couldn't help myself. "It onleeeeeeee, takes, a moment..."
Linda groaned. "Oh noooooooo..."
Julien sighed and shoved an unshorn blue hoof over my mouth. "No. Sorry, I know its funny but we have enough issues right now." He stepped over to the pink pony princess, helping her up and using his telekinesis to pluck the small thorny seeds off her face. "Try walking small steps first, it’ll be fine, took me an hour or two."
"And count your ribs," I added jokingly.
Linda shot me an annoyed look as she began a slow, methodical trot. "Ignoring you now."
A mischievous giggle was my reply. "Fair enough, I’m going to go pester Erishy."
I started off in the direction of the cars, our two human companions following me. Then I realized I'd left the element of Laughter back in the tent; with an embarrassed chuckle, I went back to get it, and realized I should take Figment along too...
By the time I arrived at the parking lot, Erishy was already buckled in and trying to start the car.
I heard Jacqueline's voice as I came within earshot. "...so I’m sure I could design something for you with the fabric in the van." She was leaning against the open driver's door with a gentle smile..
"I... What do you mean? Would it be black? I like black. And green, well I like green a lot more now than I did before, or do I like black more than I liked green?" Erishy shook her head, confused, and glared at the steering wheel. "I HATE KEYS!" She pounded the wheel in frustration, producing an angry honk.
Jacqueline winced, but to her credit she didn't back off. "I could do black vines on a green background, if you like it. Or vice versa. Or, you know, one of each."
"She totally could, I looked over her deviant art. Have you seen her Nightmaren outfits? Top-notch!"
Jacqueline gave me a thankful smile. Which, honestly kind of annoyed me, I mean, I don't praise things that aren't praiseworthy so why should she be thanking me for praising her good work? But you know, humans. I'd long ago accepted that they were just weird.
I took a moment to examine the inner workings of the vehicle, noticing the metal rods that went up from the pedals and ended in little platforms just under the pegasus's hooves. "So I take it you’re going to drive this car?"
She blinked, glancing at the steering wheel, then the seat belt, before giving me an embarrassed look. "Um... I would really like to. I really want tea for some reason, and I’m hungry. But I can’t get the key to work."
I told you Flutttershy needs tea.
I rolled my eyes.
My brother, helpfully, reached in and started the ignition. "So now that we have four ponies, what’s the plan? Pony per car?"
"Maybe pony per car not counting drivers?" I offered. "I need to get dressed first anyway."
"We are just going to a fast food place to grab breakfast." Erishy waved to the shotgun seat. "Get in."
"What, without getting dressed first?" I cried in shock. "Here, Figment knows what I like." The dragon flew from my hooves into the seat next to the pegasus. "See you when you get back!"
Erishy stared at Figment for a bit, clearly unsure if she wants such a bastion of masculinity riding in her car. Eventually, she shook her head and glanced at the humans around us. "You all coming along?"
Ginny almost darted forward, before suddenly glancing back at the campsite where Julien was helping Linda master the art of quadrupedalism. "I--uh--ye--ma--" She clenched her eyes shut, bouncing on her heels in desperation. "GnNNNNNNN!"
Jacqueline grinned and patted her on the shoulder. "I’ll stay here and help Linda out."
"THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!" The fangirl gave her friend a brief hug before practically diving into the car.
Ian shut the driver's door and walked around to the other side, rolling his eyes. "I’ll come too."
"I’ll stay and protect the ponies," Harold offered. "And Jacqueline of course."
His fellow cosplayer gave him a knowing smile. "You are the perfect gentleman."
With all that sorted out, I spun on my hooves. "Well, I’m headed to the Pinkiemobile to get changed."
"Why do you wear clothes as a pony?" Erishy asked. "It’s so weird."
Because they gave me a sense of identity? Because I come from Texas and the weather this far north was chilly? Because I was still a tad uncomfortable switching out my sets of equipment? Because the juxtaposition of pony and clothing was humorous and therefore assuaged most of the jester urges that came from Pinkie Pie?
After I had gotten dressed and plunked my saddlebags onto my back, I hung out with Julien and Linda as we tried to teach the pretty pink pony princess proper prancing. Harold and Jacqueline watched us while chatting about whether or not Harold would become Big Mac or who, exactly, Jacqueline would become. I think they thought it was contagious... which I guess might have made a little bit of sense, except that it didn't explain how I was infected in the first place. Oh well, mystery of nature and magic.
It was a short while later that Erishy rolled back up, car filled with noms for everyone which Ian and Ginny handed out. The next leg of our trip would be a long one, taking us to Kansas City at last, and so we set about preparing the next bout of driving arrangements. The long-legged Linda found she could only fit into the Cosplayer's van, and even then only after Jacqueline moved her fabrics and cosplay things into the rear seat of Erica's car. Of course, the tents were all rolled up and jammed on top of those. Jackie was a good sport about it of course, and she and Ginny promised to ride with Linda; Julien reluctantly agreed to go in a different car and, after some talk, we decided to load up all the males in the Pinkiemobile. Of course that would leave Erishy alone, so my saddlebags migrated behind the shotgun seat of Erishy's car as I slid in.
As we drove out of the parking lot, I arranged my noms around my seat, placing my steamed lemonade and assortment of small cookies and crackers in a precariously balanced arrangement. I turned around to pull my iPad out, noting with some amusement that Figment had an arm around the striped Fluttershy plushie--he's such a flirt-- before flicking open my e-mail.
Hi Mom! Sorry I didn't contact you yesterday. There was a huge fan gathering the night before and then that whole thing at IHOP--here's a link to the vid--and then, well, other news I'm sure you've heard. But I've met up with Erica, Fluttershy's counterpart, and we're all unharmed and coping. So yeah, on the road now! Plus I've got the Element of Laughter.
It really should be called something different.
I smiled, sending off the message and glancing out the road. Ian had probably updated her every stop anyway, but... I felt this would be a bit more reassurance. Was there anything else I needed to do?
I grimaced. Oh yeah...
With a sigh I shifted over to facebook, locating the picture of Cadance--and the Cakes, apparently--that had been posted to Erishy's profile. I opened a tab to the sender's userpage and, delicately, began to compose a roundabout method of informing the guy of what had really happened.
So I hear you're Cadance! Or at least have her form. I have the body of the Pinkinator! And the scientific inquisitiveness of Bill Nye. So let's conduct an experiment shall we?
First, get yourself a comfy couch, make sure it's really comfy, and I mean comfy. Now make yourself a plate of plain old crackers. Don't matter the brand, just hard and crunchy and a lot of them. Also, music! Music is important. Very important, relaxing music for the Cadenza. Do all of this before reading any further.
I'm serious. Get your big fluffy tail to the kitchen and get yourself those noms. They must be bland.
Did you get the noms? Are you relaxed? Cause if you aren't the experiment's not going to work.
Now that you have noms and comfy resting, I need you to figure out telekinesis for me. Just, you know, anything. I'm no unicorn, though I met one yesterday, so I'm not sure what to tell you. But don't think with your horn is my guess. Think with tentacles of magic, grab a cracker and eat it. Do this again until you've got a rhythm, don't read any further.
No I'm serious. Again. Don't read further. There's a reason for this, trust your Auntie Pinkie. She's got a lab coat and goggles so she's clearly a scientist.
Have you got down nomming regularly? Good. Now I need you to answer one question, and I need you to answer it very, very, very, very calmly, because this is for science and your emotions going wild will ruin the results. Are you ready for this? Are you? Huh? Well then....
What color is your magic?
Hopefully the relaxed environment and slow information processing would keep the guy calm when he realized he wasn't who he thought he was. I glanced out the window, realizing that at some point during my typing we had hit the freeway, before shrugging and taking a sip of my drink. Ah... steamed lemonade. One of my better ideas. Celestia and Fluttershy could keep their boiled leaves, all I needed was a warm glass of sweet and sour yellow to keep me happy.
The car cabin was silent, not even the radio on. I shut my eyes and listened to the various rumblings and squeaks of modern transportation.
"How... How is Pinkie doing?"
My eyes opened as I turned to Erishy, who was giving me a nervous look and chewing her lip. "Hmm? Hold on...." I took a moment to peer into my own mind annd search for the felt pony; what I found was rather unexpected, but strangely reassuring. "...well, I’m getting an image of her bouncing around happily in Halo style body armor so I’m guessing she’s okay?"
Erishy turned back to the road. "Oh... well that’s good I guess, tell her hi for me." A small smile formed on her face.
"You do realize we share a set of ears, right?" I clarified with a raised eyebrow.
"Yeah but if I just say ‘Hi Pinkie’ then I’ll feel like I’m being rude to you..."
"Oooooooo..kaaaaaaaaaay." How was that rude? Wasn't it more rude to talk about Pinkie like she wasn't there?
"But... but I just remember how weird it was, being stuck without a body and I wanted to know that she was okay but I don’t want to make you upset and I really don’t know how you feel about it because I don’t know you as well as I know Pinkie then again I only knew Pinkie for maybe a--"
I plugged the rambling stream of apologetic explanation. "I know what it’s like to worry too much about impressions, okay? Don’t worry. I don’t judge. Except when it comes to art." I gave her a sly smile as I removed my hoof. "Then I’m overly critical of everything."
That seemed to calm her down. She went back to looking at the highway, reading the signs and smiling faintly as she drove along.
"...So, anyway. I just realized something," I said, suddenly breaking the silence. "We’ve got, what, four ponies in this little caravan of ours now?"
"Yeah," the pegasus confirmed.
"And I’m the only genderbent."
Erishy shrugged. "Erica was a lesbian, Fluttershy was straight, sort of a mismatch there but yeah you’re the only one in our little group who swapped genders."
I blinked in surprise. "Yeah, wonder what that says about me... you were, uh, how to put this, homosexual?" That was a bit of information I hadn't known about. "So... you’re bisexual now or....?" I briefly wondered how she would feel if I told her I was a baptist; there were issues between the church and the LGBT community I did not want to step in.
"Well... are you straight? Like, you like girls?"
"I was more asexual then anything, but I could find attraction to females where I could not to males, yes."
"Well..." She tapped the steering wheel thoughtfully. "I guess you might not understand as well, but I feel like half my attractions and reasons for those attractions are gone. I look at... A female, and I feel a certain attraction, but a part of me sort of pulls away and is like ‘bleeeeh’ so... I don’t know..."
That certainly seemed odd. "Are we talking human females or pony females?"
"I..." A faint blush formed on her face. "Whatever. Stuff. Wow I just can’t talk about this stuff since I merged with Shy."
"Ah... hmmm." I raised an eyebrow at the obvious excuse, before moving my hoof randomly across my ipod. "That could be a problem, seeing as I’m looking at your facebook profile and seeing five or six separate marriage proposals."
Erishy tensed for a second, before realizing who she was talking to and rolling her eyes. "Uh huh."
"Was it really that obvious?"
"I know my own character well enough to know that a Fluttershy obsessed fanboy... or girl," she conceded, "wouldn’t be so forward."
I stared at her grin.
Had she... had she never heard of rule thirty four?
"Er. Erica... I don’t know how to put this gently but... Well... some of them actually are."
"What?!"
OH MY GOD WE NEARLY DIED.
"What do you mean?" she asked again, once the car was back under control.
Slowly, I peeled my hooves off the armrests. "Okay first: EYES ON THE ROAD, EYES ON THE ROAD, EVEN IN SHOCK EYES ON THE ROAD." I took a breath. "Second, I’ve read some pretty... well, interesting fanfics. The well written ones cut to black, but a marriage proposal is not forward. Sudden, but not forward."
She relaxed, giggling a bit. "Hey, fanfics and reality are two different things. Thank goodness."
I rolled my eyes. "Oh, yes. I said so, back at the camp." Nope, she wasn't getting it. Well, I guess it might have been for the best anyway.
I mean, Fluttershy not realizing there were perverse creatures out there would keep things calm....
We rode in silence for a while. Then I remembered something, and turned to Erishy with a mischievous smirk. "Did I ever tell you I met Discord once?"
"Really? My memories of my one meeting with him kind of blur into a cloud of hate and spite."
"Oh I’m not talking about Pinkie," I clarified. "I’m talking about Reid."
She shot me a curious look. "Oh... in a fanfiction?"
"In a dream." I shrugged. "Granted, a dream about a fanfiction, but you know, still counts."
That got her attention. "What happened?"
I grinned and leaned back, spreading my hooves in a story telling gesture. "Well, I’d spent the previous night staying up and reading the latest arc in the Pony Point Of View series--you know about those?"
"I’ve never been big on fanfictions."
"Huh..." Wow, was she missing out. "Well... anyway, this latest arc took place in an alternate timeline where, let’s be blunt, Discord won. So you know, bad place all around... interesting fact, Liarjack eventually awoke as the new Element of Kindness." I paused to see if that got any reaction, but she seemed to be more interested in listening then examining my words. "Anywho, so I spent all night reading this, then I went to bed, and I had this dream where a part of me basically hopped around and gave the characters in the arc bits of cryptic advice. And the last stop was Discord. Basically I taunted him, he got mad, and he snapped his fingers so I couldn’t dream of that particular world any more. I woke up, PMd the fic’s author, he asked me to record it, and I blogged about the whole thing. Here, let me find it..."
Erishy flicked a hoof forward. "Driving, remember?"
"I’ll just facebook you the link."
"Okay. Well, whether that was part of a multiverse thingie or not, back to the genderbent issue, why’d you bring it up, you having trouble with it?"
"Sorry what?" I blinked in confusion, too focused on my story to remember the previous discussion. "I think I lost the trail of the conversation here. Why’d I bring what up?"
"You mentioned that you were the only genderbent pony."
"Oh." Oh yeah, that thing! "Yeah, I was just, you know, pointing it out. Like ‘oh hey, that’s a bit weird, does it mean anything’ kind of way."
She quirked an eyebrow at my caviler reply. "You aren’t at all weirded out by losing your masculinity?"
"Read waaaaaaaaaaay too many webcomics." I waved a dismissive hoof. "Had mental schemes for a number of random events. It’s odd, but hey. Of course most of these schemes had me having hands, ya’know?"
Erishy mimed throwing up. "Is that really every guy's first plan in the event of transgendering?"
What?
"....wait, what?"
What did she mean?
"What are you talking about?"
She blushed, giving me a sidelong glance. "Wait... what were you talking about, with the having hands bit?"
"The keyboard for the internet!" I said. I mean wasn't it obvious?
She snapped her gaze to the road. "Right. Right, keyboard. yup, that was my thought too."
Honestly, what could have induced such a reaction? It was almost like she expected me to experiment with--
Oh.
Oh ho ho. Our little Fluttershy was a closet perv, was she?
"Not that I’m not curious, you understand," I said with a sly grin. "I just didn’t want to get my hands dirty and it’s a rather pointless line of questioning."
"Pointless, yup." Her eyes darted left and right. "So what does Pinkie think of having a guy’s brain in her body?"
"...er..."
I considered her question, trying to remember if Pinkie ever said anything on the subject. "Ya know, I don’t think she’s thought about it." Shutting my eyes, I wandered over to the felt warzone.
Hey, Fluttershy wants to know how you feel about a male piloting your body.
Well that's kinda beside the point. Boy or girl it--BOOM! HEADSHOT!--doesn't matter, if the guy in the driver's seat is good I'll trust them. Hey, are there candy themed shooters?
I've heard of a few, dredge through my memories if you like. "She says she sees nothing different than having a girl’s brain in her body. It’s all about the person."
Erishy nodded. "So... Just curious... what’s keeping you two from fusing?"
I shot her a firm flare. "Excuse me, miss diveboard, but we are synthesizing. In a slow, and comfortable manner. I prefer to walk into the pool."
"Okay, sorry..." She shied away from me slightly. "I hope it didn’t offend you... I just feel better since it happened."
I sighed. I didn't mean to be so harsh... "No, I get it, I just... you know, don’t like people looking over my shoulder when I draw, so... work on my own time... it’s a thing with me." With that awkward statment, I realized I should probably drop the subject; I sipped my drink quietly.
"...You seem to be eager for me to ask what you are drinking."
That was random. "I... do?" Well, it was a subject of conversation anyway. "It’s... lemonade that has been warmed to the point where it steams."
Erishy considered my words. "That.... sounds almost as good as lime and cucumber gatorade."
"Having never tasted that, I’m going to go on a limb and say it’s a lot better."
"Limecumber is awesome!"
I smiled at her grin. "To each their own. Rallying cry of humanity."
My wonderful concoction eventually was used up, as is wont to do with drinks. I stared out the window at various passing cars, trying to count how many were with that collection of brony guards Harold had pointed out. As the minutes wore into hours, however, I became aware of a certain... snippish pain extending from my rear.
Finally I couldn't stand it any more. "How do you deal with the kinks in your tail?"
Erishy pointed toward the mass of pink hair between her legs. "Sit on it, don’t shove it behind you."
Parts of me that I am ashamed to admit I have made a connection to the image, and I turned my gaze away. "I... am not going to touch that one, I’m not that kind of guy..."
The pegasus gave me a surprisingly saucy grin. "Oh come on, no jokes from Pinkie on that?"
Um... Pinkie?
Oh, sorry. I prefer my humor to be all ages, that way I can keep friends of all ages. Wow, this Psychonauts game in your head is amazing!
Yeah, shame I only watched the LPs. "Huh, apparently she never went to that part of comedy class. Weird."
Ersihy smiled a bit. Her eyes wandered out to the road.
After a moment, she gave me a curious glance. "Can Pinkie take over or have you two not gotten that far yet?"
"Actually, the way my mind is structured, Pinkie could have taken over from the beginning." I knew I'd let some of my darker characters out to play, and I was sure the Pinkenator had taken the wheel once or twice. "She just doesn’t do it often."
That would be really mean of me!
"Says it’s rude."
"Do you think its rude if she takes over?"
I shrugged. "I have no clue. I’m deferring to her judgment on that one." It was a simple fact that Pinkie Pie had more social awareness then I ever did. I gave the pegasus a small grin. "Is this going to descend into one of those deep philosophical conversations?"
"It could..." she admitted.
"Oooookay then. You go first. Deep question. I answer. Go."
Erishy made that half-heard sound of laughter that had been deliberately held back, but there was a ghost of a smirk on her face. "Okay, deep question. You and Pinkie were paired up for a reason, what do you think it was?"
"On my side, confidence. On her side, restraint." Really, that was what was the most opposite about us. "That was easy." I tapped my chin, trying to think up a good counter-question. "Alrighty then: If a man and a woman meet and fall in love, but it turns out the man is infertile, should they get a sperm donor or adopt?"
"Well..." The pegasus bit her lip. "Science has made that obsolete, you can make an egg out of skin cells, but the philosophical part of that... I think they should adopt. The third party can cause so much pain... taking a hurt child in can mend more and do more good than the other option. Unless the woman only wants to have a baby to give birth... then she needs to think over her priorities."
I nodded. "We’re in agreement on that bit. Parenting is not at all related to birthing and is a much bigger responsibility. Less painful though, I think..."
"...My turn?"
"Go ahead."
Erishy took a deep breath. "Okay, my question is, if I am both Erica and Fluttershy, how do I know my own thoughts are still mine? How do I know my own mind isn’t skewed by the process?" Her voice seemed to slip up a bit.
My Fluttertear senses kicked into overdrive.
"A mind constructs itself from its components. If you are two made one, then your thoughts are your own. Is there an alien influence? Are there two in that skull? Or are you really merged? If you are really merged, then your thoughts are your own because you are the only one in there thinking."
"I wonder who I am now... I sometimes feel like I am leaning one way or another but..."
"Hey, I had that before I met Pinkie. Trust me, that’s just you weighing the options, er... processes." That wasn't comforting at all. "What I’m saying is..." good metaphor, good metaphor... "Even if you’re leaning, you have to have a fulcrum, a starting point, right?"
I gave her a hopeful smile, but I couldn't tell if I had reassured her at all.
"Y... yeah... your turn."
"...Should I ask a deep question or a ridiculous one to cheer you up?"
Ah, there was that amused grin. "Ask whatever you want, Pinkie."
"I just did, your turn!" I decided not to protest at the name.
She giggled at my little joke. "Okay, okay. Have you started planning your first party?"
"Hay no. Improv is the name of the game. There’s no guest list and no supplies. Although, tomorrow is Halloween...." That could actually be fun. I sent a few of my ideas off to the felt area of my head for review. "Hmmm. Well, your turn anyway."
"That was my question."
Er... what? "I told you, I didn’t start planning..."
"Are you trying to trick me into asking all the questions?"
I took in her sly smile as I thought about what I had just said. Lissee, so there was my joke question, then her party question then my... my... oh flark.
"....Yes, yes, I am and I’m not trying to cover up a sudden lapse in pattern memory, nope. But if you like, I can ask a question."
"Yup, its your turn."
"All right then." Hmmm, so she'd asked me about parties... "Aside from the horse, have you talked with any animals?"
"No, I haven’t tried. Though in Equestria I wasn’t able to talk to them so much as... I sort of knew how they communicated. which chirps meant hungry or scared."
I nodded in understanding. "Yeah, I’m that way with cats. Grew up learning from Disney... was convinced I was part cat for a while."
"You are so Pinkie," Erishy commented with a grin.
"Pinkie’s social. I’m not."
It was meant as a lighthearted jab, but I saw the pegasus deflate.
"...Maybe that will be a benefit of the merge, you'll be happier around others."
I considered her words. I could just play eager, but... "....do I really want to stop being an aspie though? It feels like I’m betraying the whole autistic community."
She snapped her eyes to me with surprise. "Aspergers? You have Aspergers too?"
"Er... yeah? It wasn’t, you know, obvious?" The whole I'm not social I retreated into creativity thing? Then again, part of being me was my lack of communication on such topics.
"I was diagnosed at the age of eight. Well, Erica was. Apparently I ‘grew out of it’ somewhere around the time that I lived on my own for 4 years."
It sounded like a false diagnoses to me. All too common. "You don’t grow out. You adapt... learn to tolerate. People... they have this...." I tried to think of a good word. "Radiation or something, I don’t know, and when they focus on you it’s like they’re shooting beams of radiation...."
"I understand. I really do. But imagine how much of an inspiration you could be to others, you’re the party pony! You could show them that there are good gatherings."
Did she just--?!
"Do you know I read a book that actually suggested brainwashing as a cure for autism?" I began calmly. "I’m not even kidding. Some sort of copper wire treatment, I can’t remember the details. To be fair to the author, she herself wasn’t autistic and just wanted her daughters to have a normal life, but... I don’t think she realized what she was advocating."
Belatedly, I realized I was ranting. Not a wild sort of rant, but one fueled by quiet anger at, I shamefully realized, was an honest though not understanding attempt to help.
"...I’m sorry, I just have a kneejerk reaction to people saying 'Here is how to be normal.'"
She gave me a sorrowful look. "There is a difference between hope and... and that. You can have hope in growing."
Growing? I always grew. I just didn't grow the same way others did. And their attempts to help me become one of them were just... suffocating.
"...Eyes on the road, please. Your turn." I decided to drop the subject.
"Okay..." She turned her gaze back to driving. "I... have decided, or at least... in my opinion, we are all driven by Hope and Fear. with Love as the exception. What do you think?"
What...?
"....snrk..."
A single drive?
"....pffffffft...."
For all of humanity?!
".....heh, heh heh, hahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I noticed Erishy glowering at me and tried to clamp down on my laughter. "I’m sorry, I, I’m sorry, but... okay, hold on, let me gather myself here.
After a few moments, and a couple of deep breaths, I clapped my hooves together.
"Okay. Here it is. Nothing drives humanity. Actually scratch that: Humans drive humanity."
The pegasus frowned. "Well... I like being able to peg things down."
How to explain this... "Alright, how about we start at the very beginning. Human children come into the world and what do they know? Eat, sleep, breathe..." I grinned a bit. "Cry when you’re upset, make dirty diapers... and there’s one other thing. Guess. Go on, guess."
Erishy mused on my words. "I would say they are afraid.. because they don't understand their surroundings."
"Nnnnnno." Afraid of the unknown was a good guess.... "You’re on the right track though. Try again!"
"They are hungry?" she tried, confused.
I sighed. "Aaaaand you lost it. They have one other instinct, Erishy, one other ability. What is it?"
"They know love... the love of their family..."
"As much as I want to say yes to that, because that would be awesome, I’m going to have to call three strikes. They know how to learn."
The pegasus gave me an uncomprehending look. "But why do we learn? We learn because we hope for the future, or we are afraid of what we don’t know."
"See, you’ve got it backwards." I twisted my hoof around to demonstrate my point. "We need to learn hope and love and fear, just as much as we need to learn to walk and talk. A human is constructed by its own mind; it is the product of its environment insomuch as it decides to be. Humans make themselves, and therefore every individual human has their own set of drives."
It sounded so wild and random now that I said it. And... "In fact..."
Suddenly I was hit with an epiphany.
"I think that’s why humans tick off Discord so much."
Erishy smiled. "I think we are both right. Humans are a big contradiction."
"Paragons of chaos, and yet we have embraced harmony! We should all be at each other’s throats, but love is the guiding concept of many civilizations! Ha! Discord can’t accept that!" I giggled, reveling in my revelation and the lord of Chaos's incomprehension. "Wimp."
We drove on in mutual amusment for a while. Then suddenly the pegasus remembered something. "Oh, your turn."
"Okay, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood measured in metric tons?"
"Welcome to Feed Dump where we're a bunch of pony fanfics." Pokey Pierce smiled at the audience. "I'm a light-hearted comedy. Joining me this week is a pornographic romance--"
"I'm flexible!" Blossomforth announced brightly as red letters flashed ACTUALLY A CHANGELING.
"--and an angst-riddled tragedy."
"All I know is pain," deadpanned Linky.
"And we're looking for some good reviews!"
We're looking for some good reviews news confirmed the title screen.
Pokey levitated an iPad up. "A woman in Orem, Utah has sued for divorce on the grounds that her husband has been unfaithful. When asked who exactly he was supposed to have had an affair with, she replied that it was the family dog."
"Ah, yes." Blossomling nodded sadly. "Those darn seductive dogs."
"See I don't exactly see how this is news. I mean we've got a couple of stupid people here, but this isn't something that reporters would go for." Linky narrowed her eyes. "What aren't you telling us?"
"The man in question had turned into a mare four days ago."
"Turning into a pony makes you unfaithful," Blossomling mused. "Looks like you're in trouble Paul!"
"Well it's not like I had a girlfriend anyway." Linky held her head up primly. "Besides, I look good in blue, don't you think?"
"Pfft. In your dreams. Cream is where it's at!" The pegasus tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Now here's the question: Was the dog a male? Or a female?"
"The dog in question was female," Pokey replied, "and in fact the suddenly discovered pregnancy of the dog is the reason the woman is accusing the man of being unfaithful."
"I don't... think that works."
Linky snorted. "Hey, to be fair finding a pregnant woman of any species in your husband's bed is grounds for suspicion."
"He was probably just sleeping at the foot of the bed. My cat does that all the time."
"Yes, but you're single." Linky turned to the audience. "Okay, so this whole thing is ridiculous but what I want to know is who exactly will be getting custody of the dog and her pups?"
"Clearly it's going to be one of those shared time deals. The dogs will stay with the pony on the weekend." Blossomling nodded to herself. "Sounds like a hit sitcom, actually."
Suddenly both of them were on the couch, Linky wagging her tail and barking. Blossomling, wearing a pair of overlarge glasses, gave a frustrated sigh. "No, dear, we can't play frisbee. Daddy has to do the taxes."
Pokey glanced at his tablet. "In Walterboro, South Carolina, a man has been arrested for stealing five hundred dollars worth of fast food wrappers from a McDonalds."
Linky gave him a confused look. "Fast food... what?"
"You know, when you buy a hamburger it comes wrapped in this foil paper thing." The unicorn gestured vaguely with his hooves. "That's... what he stole."
"Seriously? What was he planning to do with them?"
"Wrap the world's largest hamburger?" Blossomling suggested.
"Nah, too obvious. Maybe he wanted to make clothes out of them?"
"Who would want to make clothes out of cheeseburger wrappers? The hamburglar?"
Linky shrugged, suddenly wearing a purple snuggie. "I've seen clothes made out of weirder things."
Blossomling nodded, also suddenly wearing a purple snuggle. "All hail lord Vejarik!"
"Shouldn't it be lord Smooze?" asked Pokey. He was, incidentally, also suddenly wearing a purple snuggie.
"Yeah, but that would be too obvious."
"Good point. When questioned, the man stated that he wanted to build a portal to the world of Avatar the Last Airbender."
"Normally I'd call this man crazynuts, but I woke up a couple days ago with wings. This plan sounds surprisingly feasible."
"Yeah." Linky turned to Blossomling. "Actually, do you think McDonalds is behind the whole pony transformation? Mutagenic nanobots in the food."
"Well, it would make a good promotion, but it'd violate a number of health and safety laws." Blossomling flicked her wings. "Plus we can't eat meat anymore. In the long run, bad move for McDonalds."
"Hmm."
Pokey glanced at his iPad again. "In Oklahoma city, there was an incident with a pony and an IHOP. Apparently, a shirtless man, a gazelle, and an automatic plushie shooter all tried to capture Pinkie Pie while she was eating breakfast."
"...what."
"I'm sorry, I cannot make this up."
Linky rolled his eyes. "Come on, bronies, you can do better. Next time bring in a tank and--"
"You know they could come for us next," Blossomling pointed out.
"...a tank filled with money! And leave the ammunition out of the barrel. Actually, replace the ammunition with plushies, that was a good idea."
"Who builds an automatic plushie shooter anyway?"
Suddenly Linky was standing on her hind hooves, a fake gun cocked at Blossomling with a stuffed pokemon taped to the end. "Awright, gerly, gev me all yer money er I go Venonat on yer tail!"
"Couldn't you have chosen Squirtle?!" cried the pegasus in sorrow, cowering before the armament.
Once more the scene transitioned to Blossomling, no longer threatened or weeping. "You know what really gets me about this situation is the gazelle. I can kinda see the shirtless man, and the plushie shooter makes sense in a mad science sort of way, but the gazelle..."
"Ooo! I know!" Linky grinned. "The gazelle was piloting the plushie shooter!"
Pokey raised an eyebrow. "Actually, you are partially correct. According to eye witness reports, the plushie shooter was following the gazelle."
"Huh."
"I don't think we can top that," Blossomling stated plainly.
"Okay then!" The unicorn flicked his iPad. "It's time for another pattern of patriotic parody in this week's installment of LOL Canada."
Looooooooool Canadaaaaaa, sang the title screen, our home and nat-oh...
"In Martensville, Saskatchewan, charges for human trafficking against a woman were dropped when it was discovered she had smuggled a pregnant moose into her home. Apparently, she was an environmental activist, and all the extra food she had bought were for the newborn mooses."
"So, wait. Why was she charged with human trafficking?" Blossomling asked.
"Her neighbors thought the weird noises plus the extra food had to mean something."
Linky sighed. "What we're really missing here is that there's still a crime. Moose trafficking. Mooses are people too!"
"No, she was just letting her pregnant friend stay over. Totally legal." Blossomling glanced at the audience. "See, the really smart thing to do would have been to get the moose to the hospital."
"A moose in the labor ward. I've heard of stranger things."
"Like a pony in the labor ward?"
Linky raised an eyebrow. "That's a little more likely nowadays."
"Touche."
"Well I'm afraid we're going to have to cut it short, since we're leaving for New York this afternoon." Pokey nodded to the audience. "Until next time, remember: There may be better sources for news, but they don't have this hat." He levitated a red cap with white spheroids all over its surface onto his head. "So, yes. We're getting this out early because we'll be gone tomorrow. But the rest of the crew is still planning on Desert Bus in two weeks, and if we can figure out these hooves we'll be joining them."
"You have to join them, Graham, you're a unicorn. You can still use the controller."
"Thanks for that Kathleen. I have so much to look forward to." Pokey gave an exaggerated sigh.
I turned away from my iPad as the credits rolled. "Hey guess what? I made the only worthy news program ever!"
It wasn't as obvious on the highway, given that everybody was going really fast, but once we entered Kansas City it became very clear to me that miss Erishy had more then likely bribed whoever gave her her driver's license. Fortunately we managed to make it to a hotel without incident, a full hour ahead of the Cosplayer Van and the Pinkiemobile. The receptionist was quite pleased to get us a room (Half off! Yay pony celebrityhood!) And we dumped our luggage in there... although I decided to lighten the load Figment was watching an take my iPad backsack off my saddlebags.
Three minutes later we were bored. And, as is wont with teenage girls suffering from boredom, we decided to go to the mall. I know, I know, Pinkie and Fluttershy aren't really teenagers and I'm not really a girl but cliches become cliches for a reason. So it was that we were wandering a public place and pointedly ignoring the stares of everybody...
"Oh. My. Hooves."
...when I spotted something absolutely wonderful.
"Lookit! Looklooklook!" I wrapped my foreleg around Erishy's neck pointing excitedly at my discovery.
She of course decided to ignore me. Apparently she thought I was just being Pinkie which.... admittedly I was a bit, Pinkie was excited too and may have overloaded my whole Not Bowling People Over circuits.
I took a deep breath and tried again, much more rationally. "Okay seriously. I’m a gamer..." Well, I didn't have a console... "Or immersed in gaming culture anyway. So most of my cultural identity has been stripped away. But there is something here I can still do as a pony. Can you please accept my enthusiasm?"
She shook her head and smiled a bit at my enthusiasm, turning to look at my discovery. "Okay, okay, what's up?"
Instantly Pinkie's excited bouncing took back control. "DDR! I didn’t really like it before but now it’s THERE! And I have four legs! And it’s one of those duet set type things! And... well, there are two ladies up there already, want next round?"
She smirked slyly. “Wings allowed?”
I was about to deny her that opportunity when a twisted thought scrambled into my head for attention. "I wanna say 'Hay no' but I have a better idea." With that, I walked into the arcade and gave the two dancing women a formal smile. "Do excuse my interruption, but do either of you have live-stream capable devices?"
"Oh Em Gee it's Pinkie Pie!" The lady on the right fell into hysterics, swooning and collapsing as though she'd been addressed by whatever pop star is most famous right now. I'm more of a 'music' then 'musician' follower.
Her compatriot rolled her eyes, dragging her off the dance pad. "Ignore her, she’d do that even if you weren’t her favorite pony. Yeah, I’ve got it on my phone."
"Oh goody!" I pranced right on up to the now vacant pad. "Shy get up here, I am just about to be brilliant. And evil. But mostly brilliant."
The pegasus had apparently caught onto my scheme and was giving the other pad a bit of a wary look.
"Please? I’m not forcing you to do anything but... well..." I put on a set of pleading watery eyes. "I... don’t want to dance alone."
I didn't. I really didn't. I mean before all this I wouldn't have minded but now... now I could dance with a friend. That was something I hadn't really even considered doing before.
Erishy giggled a bit. "You're supposed to say ‘may I have this dance’ but that will do." She stepped onto the other pad, giving the screen a careful look.
"Right. Livestream on?"
The lady flipped on her phone, tapping a few touchscreen buttons. "I do this all the time for the library. Livestream on."
Oh, she was a librarian, huh? Neat. Time to do this.
I waved at the camera with a big cheesey smile. "Hey there everybrony! Fluttershy and I have decided to hold a little Q&A for all of you peeps that are watching our progress. But just watching ponies answering questions would be boring soooooooo... We’ll be dancing while we’re doing it!" My eyes slid to the pegasus. "Say hi, deary."
"H-Hi!" Erishy gave the camera a faltering grin and waved gently.
"Our lovely assistant, who you can’t see because she’s holding the camera, will be reading off your questions. Our other lovely assistant," I glanced to my right, "who is currently hyperventilating, will be putting quarters in the machine. So! Without further ado..."
The girl got the clue and stuck a coin in the machine. Erishy immediately began scrolling through the songs, finally picking one that had a good rhythm.
"Stamp on the ground, jump jump jump jump, moving all around, tap ta da down..."
Ooo, nonsense dance song! Me likey.
"Question from twentypercentusa," our camera lady read off as we began to hit the arrows. "What’s it like being a pony?"
"It’s like being a pony."
Erishy rolled her eyes at my mathematical answer. "Oh come on now, I’ll take this one." She spun around, still keeping in track with the arrows; had Erica done this before? "It’s weird! like suddenly having six arms or something, but the pony whose body you get helps you out if you let them."
"Oh you just had to mention that bit," I muttered as she whirled back around, "now they’re all going to panic..."
"Featherlover: What do you both think of Gilda?"
I let Pinkie talk in my head, but translated the impression into my own words. "She has a bit of an issue showing her feelings as she feels it would lead to people taking advantage of her. But aside from her urgent need to prove herself superior and remain in control of the situation, I think she’s mostly a nice gal. Issues. But cool."
Erishy chose not to answer. I supposed that made sense given Fluttershy's last interaction with the griffon.
"Anon- How do you feel about getting shot?" The librarian had the decency to look embaressed.
I tried to deflect the awkwardness with a little bit of humor. "Well, the photoshoots are always stressful, right Shy?"
"Yeah..." She'd already missed a few beats. "To be honest, I’m just happy noone got hurt."
"And the internet already knows how I reacted." I sighed. "I’m pretty sure the image is memetic by now."
"Fluttershy are you and Rainbow a couple?"
Oh, that got a laugh out of both of us. "Not in Equestria, not here. Sorry to disappoint." Oh yeah, Erica had DDRd before, her score was rising steadily.
"And to dissuade everypony, Rainbow and I are not a couple either. Nor are Fluttershy and I a couple. Nor is Pinkie romantically interested in anypony. NOR IS THE MOON MADE OF CHEESE!" I picked up the pace, managing to catch up with my competitor.
"What’s going to happen in New York?"
"Hmmm." I pondered the question carefully. "Either we’re going to take care of Discord, or we’re going to take care of--wait, did, was the whole Discord thing public knowledge?" Had I just started a panic? "Frick. Okay, so if you see anything that has a goat’s head and looks like a snakey... amalgam of animals, smile and walk away calmly."
"Or they could google Discord," Erishy suggested with a giggle.
"Yeeeeeeeees they could..."
"Okay, that’s just a shock question..." Our camera lady looked down at her phone, searching for an appropriate question. "Ah! Does Pinkie sense work?"
"Technically," I admitted. "However we are still working on translating the manual to Earth. So... yes."
"Oddly enough, Earth seems to have a lot less stuff randomly fall out of the sky," Erishy commented dryly.
"But hey, Shy here can talk to animals! We really have to get you to talk to a cat or an octopus or something." Of course, Pinkie flung up a funny scene from a Pixar movie. "Oh no no no wait. Fluttershy, can you speak whale?"
She rolled her eyes. "I talk to one horse and you assume I can talk to all animals. Although if we stop by an aquarium I could try it out."
"Octopus AND whale! Two for one! Alley cats too, those have to have some fun thoughts." I tilted my head as my hooves switched round the arrows. "Not dolphins though, they’re psychotic."
"Here is one from Antibrony, says ‘are the ponies trying to take over the world?’"
The pegasus closed here eyes, still keeping up with the beat. "Most of the ponies are scared, and want to keep Discord from taking over this world, so... no? I don’t think so."
"Definitely no," I confirmed. "Waaaaaay too much paperwork. I mean I guess I could take over a small city if it would validate your views," I offered. "Which city though...?"
"Lets take all of Nevada," Erishy suggested with unusual eagerness. "Take about as much effort as a normal city." Apparently the joke was funny to her.
"But Nevada looks like a car door!" I whined. "Can’t we take a cool-shaped area?"
The lady witha phone raised an eyebrow as Erishy pulled ahead again. "MLPhead: I turned into my OC pony, and I can hear her voice in my head. What's happening?"
"Well first off, I set the majority of my OCs 20 years into the future," I explained simply.
"My guess would be... and this is from a theory that Pinkie made, so take it as you will, but I am going to guess your OC wasn’t made by you. It’s a real pony from Equestria who happens to match what you wrote." Erishy nodded to the camera. "Don’t tell your pony they aren’t real, because they are real."
I coughed, remembering some of the intimate things I had written about my own characters. "And certainly don’t mention what you write about them. Actually do... no..." My face turned to the pegasus with worry. "Shy, what’s the proper thing here?"
"The truth is, they will find out eventually anyway. Tell them the truth, that they are real and you happened to have written things that matched up with them by cosmic chance."
"Above all, DO NOT PANIC. Take things calmly and rationally and rationally calmly. Some of you may have turned into non-ponies--we have confirmed Changelings out there--but make sure they do not do anything detrimental to the general public." I glanced up at the DDR screen as it gave us both an A. "And you may want to take advantage of your OC’s skills. I mean I was a horrible dancer before... no actually I was pretty good, just horrible in public. Next question please!"
Since Erishy had picked the last song, I cycled through and picked something at random. It sounded like something akin to Carrameldansen, with fastpaced anime singers.
"Oooh I don’t know this song," Eriishy commented, bouncing on the pad as the speedy beat kicked up.
"Neither do I," I admitted, deciding to rotate around as I hit the arrows as quickly as I could.
"How can a pair of earth ponies have a pegasus and unicorn child?"
"Ooo!" I jumped up in excitement, time to explain my theory to the intertubularnets! "Can I field this one? I mean I know you know better but I wanna see if my guess works."
"I’ll correct you if you're wrong," Erishy replied, more focused on hitting the notes as they came up then trying to stop my schpiel.
"Okay so: Everypony starts out in the womb as a winged unicorn, right? But after a bit of time, their personal magic activates. You know, the same thing that will eventually give them their cutie mark? So if the personal magic says they’re not going to be a pegasus, the wings fold back in to become extra ribs, and if they’re not going to be a unicorn, the horn sort of dissolves into the bloodstream. Of course at this point the fetus’s “Personality’ is determined mostly by environment and genetics, which is why there’s a trend for earth pony families or unicorn families, but the more mixed your heritage the more likely you are to be of a different tribe. I think the choice kinda has something to do with the ennegram system, but I’m not sure." I took a deep breath when I finished my little speech, trying to catch up with the pegasus.
"More of a biology answer than a practical one, but pretty much, Earth ponies are so strong because none of their energy went into growing wings or a horn. The Cakes had mixed kids because their families had been just Earth ponies for so long, there was a buildup of magic, rumors will fly though.” Erishy shrugged, still trouncing me.
"Oh that makes sense, I guess.... but my theory also explains Cadance."
"Here’s a question from... anon. 'Can I give you a hug?'"
"Me? Oh, sure I guess, after I beat Pinkie." Erishy smirked at me.
Well, if I didn't do something I would CLEARLY lose! "Oh come on, don’t leave the audience hanging!" I lunged and pulled her into a hug, twirling around and releasing her onto my pad while I took over hers.
"Eep! Not fair!"
I laughed manically as the pegasus tried to regain her rhythm. "I’m laughter, I’m never fair!"
Our lovely assistant rolled her eyes. "How are you playing DDR with four legs, and does it help?"
I felt such a question could be answered only by demonstration, so I started crabdancing. Which is like crabwalking but with more music.
Erishy gave me an odd look. "Don’t ask me how that right there is possible, but the hard part is not pressing all four buttons at the same time, I can hover so really I have an unfair advantage. Keeping all four legs straight is really tricky."
"xEricFisherX asks: What's it like being an element of harmony?"
"Well, the obvious answer would be that I am forced to be kind," Erishy began. "But it is more than that. I literally can’t think of being unkind, there’s a mental block there. For example, I have been trying not to use my wings because I feel like I could hurt Pinkie’s feelings." She took a moment to demonstrate her point, countering some of my own shenanigans and catching up to me quickly before landing firmly on the pad again.
"As for me..." I flipped back over, dancing while I let Pinkie run our mouth. "Well, Kindness is pretty easily defined. All the elements are... except Laughter. Laughter can be used for the dark purposes more easily than any of the others, I mean, just look at the Joker! And every day, every hour, every minute, I have to watch myself constantly to make sure my sense of humor doesn’t go down that path, knowing that I am one misunderstanding away from turning into.... Pinkamena. I will admit when I heard the news about, um, Fluttershy’s assault, I did consider making cupcakes...." Pinkie shook our head. "It’s actually stressful when I focus on it."
After a moment, she gave the camera a bright grin. "So I don’t focus on it." It is weird to feel your own face grin when you're not controlling it, let me tell you.
"Not sure about this question, but it might as well be asked, does Pinkamena actually have a basement reserved for cutting people up?"
"Not in this world," I quipped, taking back control with a sociopathic smirk.
Erishy shot me a warning look. "Come on now, there's no way Pinkie would resort to that. She’d probably tie someone up in streamers and torture them with bad music."
"Back when I was human I used to eat turkey marrow!"
Are you trying to creep out the internet?
Yes. Yes I am.
"What was it like turning into a Pony?"
"Er what?" That was an interesting question... primarily because I didn't have an answer. "I woke up pink and in PJs. That’s... pretty much it. Now getting out of bed... I have a loft bed. Luckily I had prior experience falling from tall beds."
"I stayed on bed till I figured out how to walk mostly, my secret is I haven't walked down stairs yet, I just hover."
My eyes narrowed as I glanced at the dancing pegasus. "Not sure if scared, or just lazy." The song ended then, the machine granting us both B ranks. Hmm. That was certainly interesting and not engineered by me in any way whatsover. "New song, milady?"
"Hard one." Erishy gave me a suspicious glance as she plucked out a Dash-paced electronic wubstep.
"And here’s an anonymous comment. 'I really like your mane.'"
"Well thank you!" Erishy hovered in the air, her hooves speeding across the notes.
I took the time to examine her method as I danced, trying to predict where I would need to hit from her motions. "I dunno about my mane. I mean it’s a complete mess, AND it doesn’t grow out like human hair. How does Twilight DO that thing with her bangs?"
"Do wingboners really exist?" Our camera lady glanced up with a blush. "Oh, sorry..."
"I wouldn’t know, I haven’t been in a situation where it has been called for." Yep, she was focused on the dancing. Her answer had been curt and brief.
"They do exist. I have seen them. That is all." No need to embarrass Linda.
"How do you plan on stopping Discord?"
"Secret plans, not allowed to talk about them."
"But you can help!" I announced in my best infomercial voice. "Simply make a donation to... whatever charity is helping us get to New York, and..." I turned to Erishy in confusion. "Is there a charity like that?"
"I don’t think there is one. If anyone sends paypal donations to erica2734@gmail.com it will help us get to New York."
"How are you? That... that’s a question."
The pefasus dropped down a bit as she considered the question. "I’m okay I guess. Pinkie?"
"Wondering if 'okay I guess' is supposed to be a reassuring deflection."
She caught the rebuke in my voice and gave me a sad little smile. "I’m kindness, remember? Not honesty, and I don’t want to worry all the nice people who have been helping us."
"Just don’t go Nightmare Whisper. Okay? We all worry about you anyway." I returned her smile with a reassuring one of my own. "Least you could do is give us some way to help you."
She smirked, rising off the ground and becoming a tornado. "Don’t let me win, I’ll feel like I cheated."
"You think the PINKINATOR would throw a GAME?!" Alright Pinkie, you've got the legs, STRUT YOUR STUFF!
"How does Pinkie knows Vinyl...and how does Rarity knows Vinyl? Scratchfan9989."
"Well, I know her through the PARTY NETWORK OF EQUESTRIA!" Pinkie shouted as she sped up to dizzying speeds. "And Rarity knows her... um... I dunno... Maybe they’re related?"
"Rarity met Vinyl during a gem convention," Erishy panted. "Vinyl was making a new type of sound system using mana gems, Rarity helped enchant them."
"I thought Mana was an energy snack." I commented flatly.
"Can Pinkie can outfly Futtershy on her flying machine?"
"Never tried. What do you think?"
Erishy collapsed as the song ended, giving the camera a forlorn smile. "Yup, I’m sure she could. I have no endurance at all, as you can see."
I giggled, walking over and helping her up. "Don’t be a silly filly, you just have Bernoulli Syndrome. If you get going fast enough you can outrace Dashie! The problem, of course, is building up enough speed in the first place."
"Hehe, if you say so Pinkie. Well, I’m done for the night."
I glanced at the clock as she waved at the camera. "It’s.. not even four."
"Yup! I’m tired though, and hungry. Maybe we can find a buffet!" She smiled so wide her dimples squeaked.
"I saw a Soup Or Salad around here," I admitted, before turning to the phone. "Well, goodbye adoring internet fans! This is Pinkie Pie signing off on our inaugural random livestream Q&A. Join us next time, where we may be bungee jumping, playing chess, or perhaps just sipping our drinks."
"So, that went well." The camera lady flicked her phone off and pocketed it. "Got about a million views already, I’ll slap an ad on the page and pay for my rent for a year."
"What, only a million?" I quipped.
"Most views come after the recording goes up and word spreads, you got a million views in the space of roughly 15 minutes." She shook her head. "That is insane, with no prior announcement except my facebook post."
"Age of the internet," I explained casually. "Half the phones in this building are following us." My eyes darted over to the other lady, who was standing absolutely still. "Your friend seems to be catatonic."
Speaking of the internet....
I turned to my pegasus companion with an awkward smile. "Shy? You okay? The whole internet thing isn’t getting to you is it?"
She pointed a hoof behind me. "That scares me more. But yes, I will probably curl up and whimper in the shower when we get to the hotel."
I took a moment to turn around. Yep, that lady was still there. Well... how should I handle this....?
I reached out a forehoof. "Boop." That dealt with, I turned back to Erishy. "If it makes you feel any better... um... they aren’t you know, judging you when they’re watching. They’re actually just making sure you’re okay."
"I know, I know." She sighed, quivering a bit. "I just have to get used to people... watching me. I freaked out for a good day in Erica’s head without her knowing when I found out I was on a show watched by millions already."
"I think we’ve hit the billion mark..." I mused. "Not sure. Point is, people here don’t watch in the same way that..." I waved my hoof vaguely before giving up. "I’m not being very comforting am I."
"Not really..." Erishy glanced behind me again. "She’s still staring at you."
As if to confirm her observation, I felt a hand begin to run through my mane. The lady's companion facepalmed quietly.
"And? I mean, there’s this cat that wanders into my backyard a lot, and he doesn’t mind the attention. Except when it interferes with him hunting." I looked back at my adoring fan. "So out of curiosity, how far are you going with this mane thing?"
The answer came in the form of a sudden hug, her face burying into my mane. I'd long ago come to terms with the fact that I was cute and cuddly now, so I could handle a little attention.
"Eep!" Fluttershy jumped back a bit.
"Ok, come on Sara, enough of killing the pony," admonished the lady's companion.
"Hey, I had a kid try to ride me," I reassured her. "This is cool, so long as she keeps it platonic and PG."
"Ponies are the superior race, let me be your willing slave," whispered Sara. "I would do anything for you, be everything for you, lay myself bare for your enjoyment..."
Okay that had just crossed the line from cuddling to No-go.
Abort mission! Pinkie ran around in my head as sirens went off. Warning: major cootie alert! Strategic retreat!
I smiled awkwardly, trying to let her down gently. "...sorry, I’m asexual."
"Yeeeah I'm not going to allow her to completely ruin your night." The other lady grabbed Sara, pulling her off and dragging her away.
"Nice meeting you though!" I said as I waved farewell. "Don’t give up hope! The right pony is out there somewhere! Back me up here Shy," I added out of the corner of my mouth.
"I will watch you from the shadows, pink mistress!" Sara promised.
"Take medicine!" Erishy replied.
I facehooved. "Not what I meant by backing me up."
"You will find your soulmate if you stop scaring them off!" the pegasus reassured.
I turned to her in exasperation as the two vanished from our field of vision. "No, see, you have to redirect the urge, not try to eliminate it."
"We didn’t even get the nice one's name, did we?"
"Marian, madam librarian. That’s my guess." I shrugged. "We can ask her on her youtube account later."
"Should I go shower before dinner?" Erishy took the moment to check her odor. "I.... I smell like pine needles... what the hay, I never noticed that before!"
"I smell like," I took a sniff, "sweat. Weird. Um... maybe it’s.... I got nothing."
"Smell me!" the pegasus demanded, sticking out her hoof. In my peripheral vision, I saw a number of phones pop out and knew with a sinking feeling that Smell Me was going to become an instant meme. Still, I took the time to cautiously take a whiff of the yellow hoof.
"Hmmm. I dunno, it’s more of a ginger then a pine."
"So weeeeiird..... Anyway I am starving."
Erishy started walking the short distance from the arcade to the buffet restaurant. I followed, considering the upcoming meal with some anticipation. "I wonder how much I can pack away?"
"Judging by your Pinkie nature, I think we might get kicked out. Pinkie looks so weird with pants on, by the way."
"You keep using that word," I commented in a spanish accent. "I do not think it means what you think it means."
"Weird, unusual, not ordinary." Erishy gave me an amused smile. "You were such a troll before becoming a pony, weren't you?"
"I beg your pardon! Trolls seek out provocation for the sake of provocation. I did no such thing. I was more of a... detail oriented individual. Still am."
"Then you look silly." At that point we had arrived at the restaurant, so the pegasus turned to the host with a small smile. "Table for two please."
"Well of course I look silly. Can we up this table to eight please, the rest of our party isn’t here." The bemused man complied, leading us to a corner booth with a round table. "I’m a pink pony with helium for a voice. Silly is something I can’t avoid. But this way, I make silly look good."
Erishy sighed at my antics as she took a seat, still grinning a bit. "So how do we get the rest of the gang here? I can’t use my phone or hold a plate."
"AILILILILILILILILI!" I turned to the pegasus as my cry finished. "Learned that from my mom."
My brother heard the cry, apparently, because he arrived five seconds later with the rest of our caravan.
The pegasus blinked. "I.... I’m not going to question it. You are Pinkie, so very much Pinkie."
"No, that’s a legitimate Priddy call," Ian explained.
"Ah, but the timing. Nopony but Pinkie could time it for the moment I asked about it."
I gave Erishy a confused look. "...why would I call before you asked? I think your logic here is flawed."
"I think I’m hungry," Ginny quipped.
Julien used his magic to grab a couple of plates, leaning in to take Erishy's order before heading for the buffet. My brother also grabbed two platters, but I waved a vague hoof; "Just load it up with veggies." Cadance--Linda, sorry, asked Jackie to help her as well, leaving Ginny and Harold to fend for themselves.
Erishy grabbed my shoulder, inconspicuously pulling me aside. "Hey, while they are getting food, I need to have a quick chat with you. What are we going to do when we get to New York?"
"The funny reply would be 'Be tourists.' I know this really cool thing in Brooklyn--" Taking in her worried expression, I shook my head. "Sorry. Well, way I see it the goal is to beat Discord. The EoH have proven useful in that regard. Hopefully by that time..." I shuddered a bit. "All of us will have... synthesized and earned our elements so it should be a simple manner of unleashing a rainbow blast. After that comes the part where Twilight 'I have a spell for everything' Sparkle figures out how the ponies got here and develops a way back, plus some boring paperwork and negotiation between Equestria and the UN..."
The pegasus tapped her hooves nervously. "We have yet to hear from anyone but Rainbow Dash, and Twilight. But Twilight seemed.... Off. Is that just me worrying? She didn't seem like she had merged at all. What about AJ, and Rarity? They could be anywhere...."
"They'll crop up," I reassured her. "AJ is dependable, and Rarity is too. As for Twilight, I dunno what's going on with her, mostly because I've been letting you handle most of the contact side of things." I pulled out my iPad, tapping open facebook. "I mean I took the initiative to calm down Chrysy, but--"
My eyes trailed down the queen's reply to my facebook message.
Thanks, I needed that. the presentation of the inquiry was just humorous enough.
My answer: Green.
Unfortunately, I don't need the experiment. As you may have seen or heard on the news, Discord spelled it out for me. In the middle of a group hug of 'primary demographic.'
Bless the little girl screaming 'changelings need love, too' as her mother dragged her away. Also, unless Discord was messing with us: Churches are safe, or at least old Catholic cathedrals are, anyway.
What is this "News" of which you speak? I do not know of such a strange phenomena!
Down to brass tacks then. It is likely that Chrysalis as a person is inside your head. Make it perfectly clear that you are PARTNERS, not one leading and one following. She has more experience with her body, but you have more experience with this world. Avoid the PAPA at all costs. Do not start fights, crime with magic is still crime. Also, Chrysalis is the most beloved villain, so it should be safe to travel the ebony way; heck, it might even be safer then shapeshifting, since it provides a measure of trust.
"What's wrong?" Erishy asked, frowning as we all walked back to the table. "Is she okay?"
I slid in, giving everyone present a serious look. "Ladies and gents, Discord attempted to recruit Chrysalis."
Ian rose an eyebrow. "Attempted?"
"Well, from the message I think she refused, but he decided to do it while she was standing in a room full of little girls." I took a deep breath. "And force her to demorph there too... She's putting on a brave face but I'm going to send her some assurances anyway." I continued typing. "Point is, Discord is not playing nice."
I'm not going to lie, Dissy probably wants to break you and say we all hate you (pony we, anyway). Don't listen to him. Some of the ponies may have some resentment over the Canterlot thing, but you are also human and quite frankly I've always liked Chrysy (and Pinkie may be incapable of hate). This is a chance for her to start anew, under your tutalege. Plus, well, you're essentially a fairy queen and we need all the help we can get against mister "I am the son of Havoc and Entropy!"
Jackie rolled her eyes. "Like he ever did."
"Well, he pretended to," Ginny pointed out. "'You have a fair chance, oh whoops I just mindraped you.'"
"Hey, you could put up a public announcement from us that Chrissy is on the side of good..." Erishy suggested.
So, recap: Make friends with Chrysy and help her ensure her future via alliance not conquering, do not succumb to Discord's machinations, and understand we all still love you. Except PAPA, which is comprised of xenophobic idiots so they don't count. Meet up in New York maybe?
(I should probably mention that one of my traveling companions transformed into Cadance and is not taking it well at all. Just a heads up.)
"I don't know how to do that." I finished typing and sent off my message. "I never really used facebook before all this."
Linda rolled her eyes, pulling out her phone. "I'll do it."
"Hey whoa, you got magic down!" I noted encouragingly.
"Telekinesis. It's a basic skill."
I nodded. "Mmhmm." Magic was magic though, Pinkie Powers doubly so.
Erishy eventually looked up. "...Hey Cadence, can you manipulate clouds?" The cosplayers shot her a few odd looks. "Oh! I'm sorry, Linda, I didn't mean to...."
Linda sighed, putting down her phone and glancing at her plate. “No, I... I should probably get used to it...” She began eating her food using her hooves; I noticed she'd gone for cookies and pie, semi-solid pastries and the like. "I... well, actually, I've been poking around my head and I can... feel Cadance, but there's this... bubble. I can't understand her, she's not talking to me, or she is but the connection's all fuzzy. So I don't know."
"Makes sense," Harold commented. "You were a lawyer before, and she was a princess... or something. Both of you had to isolate yourself from situations pretty regularly."
"So what you're saying is that there are two bubbles," I mused. "The mind is a complicated realm indeed. So complicated in fact that I could spend all day speaking about its complexity and the little doohickies in the corners."
Ginny groaned. "Oh, not philosophy again, it's absolute bullsh--"
"There are children watching us," I interrupted calmly.
The pegasus rubbed her hooves. "But I really didn't mean to imply...."
"She gets it, 'Shy." Julien stated firmly. "Don't freak out, it'll only make things worse." He turned to Linda diplomatically. "So, if Cadence is not communicating with you, she might be worried for your mental safety, or scared. Let us know if we can do anything to help you."
"Thanks..." Linda shrugged. "We can hear each other, but it's not anything defined. Like, we're talking from across the room." She waved a vague hoof. "I think we just... need to concentrate."
"Lucid dreaming," I commented, deadpan. "Until you're totally internalized the initial contact would be difficult. Be ready for a bad case of pillowmouth though." Hmmm, nothing further along this line of inquiry.... "So, what do you think will happen in the season 3 premiere?"
"Well, nothing big was going on before we left, but from the previews that came out, some empire?" Erishy looked back up. "I wonder if our reality isn't connected or matching up with the written show anymore."
"What I know is that the Evil King Sombra made the crystal empire disappear for an eon and Cadance is supposedly the crystal princess."
"Oh great," Linda said dully. "More pressure."
"So my theory," I continued unabated, "is that the crystal ponies are robots. Or the magitech equivalent. They gained intelligence and self awareness, but their maker King Sombra was all 'Oh no, you will obey me!' So then Luna and Celestia go medieval on his flank, but he grabs the robot's powersource and runs. Fast forward to now, and we get Sombra's descendant--a certain pretty pink princess--stumbling across the power source. But in order to acclimatize the crystal ponies to the modern world, Twilight and crew have to host a sort of... fair or something that they prepare before the power source is plugged in."
"You just want there to be robot ponies," Ian commented.
"Robot ponies are awesome."
"I think we would know if Cadence was a magical construct, er.... Robot pony." Julien pointed out. "I'd know, at least." He was blushing ever so slightly.
“Nonono, Cadance is completely organic. She’s just a descendant of Sombra, who made the robot ponies.”
Linda coughed. “I’m not comfortable talking about this.”
“Fair enough," I shrugged. "Let's talk about something that makes somepony else uncomfortable. Tomorrow's Halloween, Erishy, will you be participating in the festivities?"
"Yes," she replied, startling me a bit. "I'll need some hair dye, a trip to hot topic, and some magical assistance. A... And I'll want someone to stay close to so someone doesn't try to ponynap me." She let her eyes fall to her plate.
"It was assumed we would be doing things as a group, though I never was one for handing out or going for treats, so I will probably just tag along." Shining said.
"Why submit to mass market costumes?" Jacqueline smiled. "I have hair dye and I've been known to make four outfits in less then two hours."
"Truefax," Linda confirmed. "I timed her, and the costumes were very high-caliber."
"We could confer tonight," Jackie continued. "I already got your measurements from our first meeting."
I raised a confused eyebrow. "I didn't see any rulers or tape measures--"
"Oh, no nono. I'm a... hmm. Tactile measure? I put my hands to the person, it helps me predict how their clothes would move."
Erishy smiled a bit as she looked back up. "I was thinking a gothic 'shy? Sort of like the fanbase imagined emoshy, but a bit more spunk."
"Gothic, gothic..." The costume maker suddenly grinned. "Lace fairy!"
Ginny sighed. "Lace fairy? Really?"
Jackie smiled. "If I combine a green base with black vines... layer some frills... makeup, hmm, how would makeup work with fur--"
"Hide," I supplied helpfully. "Fur has multiple layers. A hide just has one."
"Powder instead of liquid," suggested Erishy. "Maybe a watered down hair dye?"
Shining chuckled and rolled his eyes. My gaze snapped to the guard instantly, a wide smile lunging onto my face. "Oh, we need to talk about your costume too! After all, if we're all going to do this--"
"You're going to make us do a couple theme aren't you," Linda interrupted flatly.
I pouted a bit. "Oh come on, at least let me work up to the punchline!"
"Hmmm. How bout no?"
"If you make me do a costume, it has to be functional. I won't be wearing binding clothes or fake weapons." Shining Armor...julien... whatever his name is, I'll think of something. He grinned a bit. "Now if you get your hooves on an actual shortsword...."
Jacqueline paused, examining Shining Julien (HA! GOT IT!) with a careful eye. Her eyes glittered as a wide smile began to grow on her face. I took the moment to look at my facebook message thing; Chrysy had replied.
Heck Yeah, I'm still headed for New York. If I can throw down with Celestia hopped up on the stolen love of one unicorn, think what I can do with the earned love of the Brony Community?
I'm actually getting along with her fairly well now that she's awake. She was content to let me drive because I was keeping us fed.
Being bold as brass might necessitate a stop I really don't want to make right now. Apparently my ease of adaptation is part of being a changeling, but I'm embarrassingly clumsy in my 'proper' form. I'll have to get over it eventually, but for now I need to be comfortable where I am.
At least now I can ride shotgun instead of being stuck with the luggage in back.
Here's hoping Dash and Twilight are as forgiving.
-- Cheers,
Eljay-Chrysalis
Linda snorted. "Oh come off it, Jackie, the only sword you have on hand is the one that Harold used--" She stiffened suddenly. "Oh no."
"But it's so perfect, darling!"
"No no no. No. We are not doing that. No."
"And you would look elegant, refined...."
"You know how I feel about that! Okay? No!"
"You sure do say no a lot," I observed. "Does it come from being a lawyer?"
"What?"
"What are you two talking about?" Ian asked, genuinely curious.
"Well, I've been in the costuming business for a lot longer then ponies, you see, and Harold agreed to model this absolutely--"
"I was Aragorn."
As we were staring at Harold's explanation, Linda slowly buried her face in her forehooves.
I grinned from ear to war. "Perfect. Perfection incarnate."
"So.... Linda would be Arwen? I... don't particularly hate this idea." Shulien smiled a bit (Shulien! Much better.), but concern soon creased his features. "Though the mixing of memories at this point is a bit disconcerting."
"I... am more knowledgeable about D&D than Lord of the rings," Erishy admitted with a chuckle as she finished off her plate. "But I know Aragorn would be a cool outfit, although rushed to put it on a pony."
"I hate being pretty," moaned Linda. "I'm not a pretty girl. I'm a practical girl."
"You're a very pretty pony," I offered. Linda shot me a glare. I smiled back.
Then, suddenly, Linda developed a very feral grin. "And what about you, Reid? What are you going to drape your pink body in?"
"Low blow, missy, low blow."
"Question stands."
I tapped my chin thoughtfully. "Hmmm. Something ridiculous yet funny... Preferably simple... I could just plunk on sunglasses and go as Gangsta Pinkie."
"You should go as the Joker." Erishy suggested with an eager smile. "Mane under a slicked back wig, fake scars. And you could do the jacket too!"
"Too close," I replied completely seriously. "Part of being an actor is knowing exactly how closely you can skirt the line between acting and being. That's too close. If I dressed up as the Joker, I would BECOME the Joker. He's too close." I winced a bit at the thought and shuddered.
Erishy drooped her head. "Sorry...."
I sighed. "No it was a good idea for a normal... person..." It was, it really was, but as I was right now it was just too risky. I didn't want to hurt her feelings but... there it was.
"Retro pinkie." Julien suggested, sipping some soda through a straw. "Pink afro and parachute pants."
"Yeah, I can't style the mane. And Retro's funny, but not in the All Hallow's Eve sort of style..."
“What about Elvis?" the pegasus suggested. "Or you could do the dragon fighting costume from that time you got swatted around wearing a box and flippers.”
“Still don’t have hammerspace.”
“I could do that dragon thing, though,” Jackie offered.
“Nah, too unoriginal...." Pinkie, you have any ideas?
"POOKA! I could go as a Pooka!”
I maneuvered my jaw a bit. Okay, that's a good idea but that still feels weird.
Sorry!
“How about dressing up as Birdo?" Erishy suggested. "He and or she was pink.”
“Too obscure, but a vidgame could be a decent concept." I pondered for a bit before splitting into a sudden grin."Oh no wait... MIDNA.”
“Oh my...." Jackie blanched, but kept her cool. "That will be difficult, but I suppose if I pull an all nighter I could get all four of you your costumes.”
“You pull all nighters often?” my brother queried.
“Yes.”
“Don’t mess yourself up for the sake of a little fun," Julien warned. "We are in the middle of a worldwide crisis as well.”
“But..." Erishy tapped her hooves with anticipation, a wide grin on her face. "The goth costume, I could help with if that’d make it easier.”
“How did you learn sewing anyway?” Ginny asked curiously.
“Me?”
“You.”
“Which you?" I tried to clarify. "You you or you you?”
“You you.”
“Ah, that you." I nodded sagely. "I’ve always wondered about that too.”
“Well..." The pegasus glanced away. "My mom wanted a girly girl, and tried to teach me to sew, that was Erica. As ‘Shy, I um..." her voice dropped a bit. "I used to sew little things to sell when I lived at the orphanage to have extra money.”
“Wait, you lived in an orphanage?" This was something that completely threw me for a loop. "I thought that Lieutenant Barricade was your mother!”
No I didn't.
“....no, sorry, Reid thought that. Pinkie didn’t think anything.”
“Yeah... There was a reason why falling from a cloud and finding a home on the ground didn’t trigger a country wide search for me." Her eyes shut with a frown. "I wasn’t exactly missed.”
Such... resentment radiated from her... I could never think of real abandonment like that. As Reid, I'd always had a large family and we were quite willing to take in needy friends. And as Pinkie, well, I had two sets of loving parents, those back at the rock farm and the Cakes.
I initiated a tactical hug maneuver. The fallout was so intense that soon enough all of our fellow travelers were caught up in it. Somebody at another table apparently filmed the whole thing and set it to heartwarming music, it went trending in two minutes flat. But I didn't know that then, and I didn't care when I found out.
After a moment, Erishy opened her eyes and gave us all a small smile. Her expression turned to nervous annoyance, though, when she peered behind us. “I don’t like being a celebrity. Anypony else wanna go to sleep?”
“No,” I said disarmingly.
“I need to stay up all night,” Jacqueline reminded us.
“No offense to Cadance," Linda explained with a wince, "but I want to postpone our inevitable dream meeting.”
“To be honest, I’m not tired at all,” Ginny commented with a shrug.
“I was in the marching band, this isn’t even exhausting,” Ian pointed out.
“I actually saw an interesting computer store on the way here..." Harold mused.
“Or go back and sew and stuff..." Erishhy offered. "I just wanna get out of the public spotlight for a bit.”
That sounded reasonable, so we split the bill and headed out of the mall.... and into a rather perilous situation.
I had to grudgingly admit, this position wasn't uncomfortable.
Still, the fact that I had to lay in this position at all was getting on my nerves. The initial stage of panic had been washed away by Pinkie's teasing--in retrospect, I think she was trying to get under my skin just so I had a direction to vent--and the after stage of "Oh My God I can use magic and fly woohoo!" had melted into boredom as I watched the other cars on the highway drive by. The van was silent, mostly, as Ginny kept her eyes on the road; letting Jacqueline drive was always, always, always a recipe for disaster and quite frankly I didn't want to risk a crash with a pony.
Ginny was glancing at me in the mirror though. She was trying to be subtle, but I'd known her long enough to recognize the signs.
"All right, out with it."
"What?" Of course she would play innocent.
"You have something you want to say, but you're worried it'd be insensitive or hurt me somehow. To be honest, your twitching bugs me more." I turned, giving her a resigned look. "Come on. 'What's magic like?' 'How does it feel to have wings?' 'Do you like Julien?' 'Can I brush your mane?' You've got something on your mind."
"Well... I was, um...." Ginny shrugged, looking at the road. "Sorry, it's... What's going to happen to your driver's license?"
That was something I hadn't been expecting. "What's going to... What do you mean?"
"I mean, well, legally speaking, Cadance is kind of a nonentity. And, well, you're a lawyer so you have some idea... right?"
Well, that was an unusually... practical question. I took a moment to consider it, weighing the options as I began to filter through some of the identity theft cases I had in my repertoire. "Hmm... I think, after proving my identity is the same, I could reapply for a driver's license. It'd be a bit of a hassle to handle the paperwork but... nothing too hard, just tedious."
"Well that's... good, I guess." Ginny averted her gaze, focusing on the road.
"Yes. Yes it is. Now what is it you really wanted to ask me?"
"...weeellllll you know how I'm kind of a tactile person, and, um, you're kind of a princess--"
"Yes, you can hug Cadance," I sighed. "After I can get her out so you can hug her."
It was a bit hard to contact the love goddess in my head, to be honest. I... felt her, we were aware of each other, both of us knew the other was aware of us, and we could send... impressions. Vague things. I didn't like that. I preferred clearly defined things. That... may have been part of the reason Pinkie irked me so much.
"....I could really go for a BLT." I held up a hoof. "I know, I know, ponies can't eat bacon. Just saying."
Jacqueline unwrapped a granola bar and held it out. I rolled my eyes, but gripped the proffered treat with my magic, nibbling on it thoughtfully. it was... strangely more filling then usual. Huh.
"...so, um..."
I groaned. "Oh not you too Jackie..."
"No no no, if it's too much I can--"
"Just spit it out."
"...well... I just want to know, you know... on the off chance I do gain wings... or a horn..."
I facehooved. "Alright, fine. They are a bit more sensitive then the rest of my body, but I don't know about them being, ugh, erogenous zones. Is your mind always in the gutter?"
"Not always! Besides," she sat up primly, "reveling in a form of expression is not something to be considered unnatural."
"...I'm not posing for that sort of thing."
"Darling, I would never ask you to!"
Ginny coughed. "This conversation just got a hell of a lot awkward. Let's talk about something else."
"Like what?"
"Like Discord," I said bluntly. "He's at the end of the tunnel, and you know he's not going to go down easily."
The van was silent for a moment.
"...to be honest, I don't think there's a lot we can do on that." Jacqueline rubbed her hands awkwardly. "I mean, gathering the Elements of Harmony is the modus operandi right now, and... well, none of us are elements. Erishy and Pinkie... Reid... well, they have more important roles then us. All we can do is support them."
"Or maybe you and Julian could love blast him," Ginny offered. "That would be fucking awesome."
That comment earned her a rather annoyed glance from myself. Love and fucking, really?
"What?"
Oh, so she was oblivious. Typical Ginny. "Nothing. Anyway, even if we don't fight Discord chances are he's going to do... something to try to stop the Manes. We could help out there... evacuate the people of New York? I don't know. I don't like being useless."
"You're not useless," Jackie said softly.
"Yeah, no. My talents are in paperwork and lawsuits. If it came down to it I would SUCK at combat, and I'm pretty sure Cadance would too." I felt something of a sideways glance in my head at that. "Well, I don't know, she's a pink pony princess with the power of loooooove. Support at best."
"Support can mean more then you ever realize." Jackie turned round in her seat. "You know that."
"...yeah. Sorry, I'm just being a bitch."
"Actually, given that you're a pony now I think the proper word is dam." Ginny grinned at her little joke.
"So I’m thinking of writing a song about this whole thing, but I can’t decide whether to call it Pony Earth or Becoming Ponies." I turned to Erishy. "What do you think?"
"I like becoming ponies," she offered with a smile.
As if mocking our attempts at normalcy, a giant vacuum tube dropped down from the sky and sucked up the four of us with hooves. I was quickly and efficiently packaged in a metal box before being unceremoniously dumped onto a round platform that, apparently, was flying under its own power. It all happened so quickly that it took me a few seconds to process the fact.
"Wait wait wait, I have the perfect thing!" A hunched over man in a pharmacist coat walked over to Linda and Julian, placing strange circlets on their horns. "See? See? I even made them wedding rings!"
I peered at them carefully. Sure enough, there were shiny baubles attached to the rings.
The man's screechy voice seemed oddly familiar. Come to think of it, I knew I had seen this guy before. And I knew where, too, but that was impossible!
“Yeah, Becoming ponies sounds better,” Julien confirmed belatedly. He struggled against the box, and I could hear the creaking as the panels began to stretch.
“Wow, you’re stronger than I thought.” Our scrawny kidnapper turned to what I assumed were the pilot controls, flying us into the sky as he pressed a big red button to his right. Instantly, a pair of giant metal arms emerged from the floor and slammed Julien's box into a jumbo hamster ball. “I’m sorry about the poor quality of the trap but the shops in this dimension are just not suited for proper evil. I mean I had to go to these RIDICULOUSLY expensive places just to get half the electronics I needed to build this hover platform. You have no idea--”
Linda gave Julien a worried glance, before turning to the strange man. “Who are you?”
"“Oh right! Introductions, sorry." He turned around, giving us all a maniac smile. "I am DOCTOR HEINZ DOOFENSHMIRTZ, soon to be RULER of the ENTIRE TRISTATE AREA!”
Called it. Totally called it.
“Um... excuse me.” Erishy seemed to have recovered from our sudden transfer.
“Oh my gosh you’re so adorable!” Doofenshmirtz walked over, scritching the pegasus's chin like she was some sort of kittycat... and apparently it elicited a similar reaction, since she was grinning like she was in heaven. “What do you want sweetie?”
“You are operating a flying vehicle in the landing path of an airport, per new regulations since 9/11, you may be expecting inbound fighter planes soon. Can we continue this on the ground so we don’t all get blown up?”
“Wait, really? I thought they nixed that law!” He stroked his pointy chin thoughtfully. “Well, I guess that could work.... Oh look, an abandoned warehouse!”
“For unidentified objects and commercial airplanes, the law no longer applies, but your... floaty thing is pretty conspicuous,” Erishy explained.
How the hay does she know that?
Skreep if I know.
“Right, I’m landing this thing on the roof then.” The hoverpad descended onto an old building of some kind. “Thanks for that! Anywho, where was I....”
Erishy smiled a somewhat hopeful smile. “You were going to be untying us so we could have a civil discussion?”
“One, we’re not in knots," I pointed out. "Two, we can have a civil conversation while trapped, this is Doofenshmirtz after all.”
“Oh, you’ve heard about me!”
“Yeah, so... what are you doing here anyway?" I nodded toward an object that I really should have noticed a lot earlier. "And what’s that big cannony thing over there?”
“I’m glad you asked." Doofenshmirtz backed up a bit, throwing his arms wide. "BEHOLD, THE PONYTHROWINATOR!”
On cue, a musical sting belted out of speakers built into the hoverplatform. Speakers, I might add, I had not noticed before either. Man, I was failing spot checks left and right.
Erishy frowned. “This sounds like the worst of the ideas.”
Linda smirked. “I dunno, a pony launcher sounds kinda cute,” she quipped.
(Ignored by everyone, Julien attempted and failed to escape from his prison. Just thought you should know that.)
“EXACTLY! You see, back in my home town of Gimmelshtump there was a time where I was forced to wear dresses.” Doofenshmirtz rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “See, my mother had been expecting a daughter and we got Roger instead and cloth was hard to come by--" He flicked his hands out, redirected the conversation. "Anyway, the point was that all the boys in town laughed and pointed at me.”
“I’m sorry.” Erishy walked over and wrapped him in a comforting hug.
“Aw, thanks!” The mad doctor returned the hug. “I’m sure my daughter would like you... well I think she would anyway, I guess. Um, would you mind getting back in your trap so I can complete the backstory though?”
“You can complete your backstory, but as long as I am hugging you, you can’t launch anypony. By the way, Pinkie, he apparently designed these traps with an earth pony as the base model, you were right about the ribs.”
“WOOO!” Science!
“...well alright, but it is a major breach of tradition.” Doofenshmirtz released his hug, shrugging. “See, normally it’s backstory, then Perry the Platypus escapes and foils my evil scheme, but since you’re not Perry I guess it’s alright. Now... where was I?”
“Wearing dresses," Lind reminded him helpfully.
“Right! So anyway, the boys pointing and laughing was bad enough, but then they started throwing stereotypically feminine articles at me! Makeup! Cleavers! And combs too!”
“One of these things," Julien insisted, "is not like the others!”
“Hey, combs are feminine!" Doofenshmirtz protested. "But the worst of all were these little plastic ponies that some of the kids stole from their little sisters. I got one in my eye once." He shuddered. "Not fun. I mean I could do something with makeup and combs and cleavers but the ponies were just humiliating! Um... no offense.”
Erishy gave him a reassuring smile. “None taken, hey Pinkie, do you have a cell phone I could borrow?”
“No, nope, I don’t keep a cell phone in my breast pocket, no--" I sighed, suddenly realizing what she was doing. "Oh, wait, you were trying to use that line to exploit my cartoon abilities, weren’t you.”
Curse your electronics related paranoia!
It's totally legitimate Pinkie.
“Hey, are you even paying attention? I haven’t explained my Ponythrowinator yet! I put a lot of work into--”
“IT THROWS PONIES!" Julien shouted. "END OF STORY!”
Doofenshmirtz glared at him. “...SOME people don’t appreciate true evil.” He crossed his arms.
“Yeah that was the idea..." Erishy confirmed, still talking to me. "What if you try to summon the party cannon?”
I snorted. “Trust me, Doof is harmless.”
“EXCUSE ME?” Doof turned his glare upon me.
“Dude, you were defeated by a potted plant. Not even a mobile Little Shop Of Horrors plant. A little plant, with three leaves, that did nothing but obey the laws of physics.”
“Hey, that was only one time! And it was wearing a hat!”
I considered his argument, and had to concede to his logic. “Point.”
“If I keep hugging you," Erishy offered, "will you let my friends go?”
“Um..." The mad doctor was embarrassed again. "See, I can’t use the Ponythrowinator without actual ponies. I mean I could just make plastic ponies but the bigger they are the less feminine they are, and plushies just don’t leave enough of an impact.”
“I think I am dying from all the stupid over here," Julian moaned. "Someone put me out of my misery.”
“I wanna know who drugged my coffee this morning," Linda deadpanned. "Seriously.”
“Okay, change of tactics." Erishy tightened her grip. "If you let my friends go, I’ll stop hugging you.”
“OW! Hey what are you--Oh. Ooooooh, so you’re threatening me? Ha! Like I care, I’m evil.”
“Even evil people pass out when enough blood is cut off from circulation.” If you thought I could pull off the Cheshire smile, you have never seen Fluttershy remain calm while under fire. Seriously it's creepy.
“Oh, right, that thing. Well you forget one thing.” The scientist slipped out of her grip and skittered over to the Ponythrowinator. “YOU ARE NOT WEARING A HAT!”
“The one time ever that wearing a hat would have saved the world, Erica, and you miss it." Julien was trying to slw clap, but all he could do was fall over in his hamster ball. "Bravo.”
“Oh if only somebody thought to bring a spare fedora!” I cried dramatically.
“Here you go.” Adam Savage held out his hat toward the pegasus.
Okay seriously, what was wrong with me today? First I missed the giant hover pad, then I missed the big cannony thing, and then I missed the speakers, and now ADAM FREAKING SAVAGE managed to slip by my radar. The guy that blew up a cement trunk.
“Where the hay did YOU come from?” I demanded.
“Jamie and I were headed for New York when we caught sight of you flying overhead.” He gestured toward a heavily muscled white pegasus wearing a beret and a deadpan expression.
Julien began to bang his head against the hamster ball. “Where did I go wrong? What did I do to deserve this?”
“Well, your clear lack of appreciation for insanity is probably part of the problem,” I explained casually.
By this point, a fedora-wearing Erishy had reentered the fight, wrapping her forelegs around the mad doctor in an attempt to restrain him. He was flailing about, trying to shake off the pegasus. “AAAAAA! I AM BEING DEFEATED IN A STRANGLY ADORABLE MANNER!”
“No seriously. Who drugged my coffee?" Linda gave Julien a confused look. "Cause I’m seeing a mad scientist, Adam Savage, and Fluttershy.”
I tried to shrug, but constrained as I was by the metal box it came to nothing.
Erishy changed tactics, wrapping her foreleg around Doof's neck and flying him into the air. The mad doctor tapped his remote again; in response, the giant metal arms reemerged and grabbed at the flying pair. Erishy maneuvered out of their range, glancing at the platform beneath her. “Call off the robot arms or I drop you!”
“I’ve fallen from higher heights!”
A sudden sound caught my attention, and I turned to look at its source. “Um, guys...?”
“Not even a pony in a fedora can stop my evil scheme!” crowed Doofenshmirtz in insane triumph.
“You may want to--” I tried to continue.
I was interrupted when he tapped another remote, causing the metal boxes that had trapped us to sprout four spider-like legs each and make their way toward the Ponythrowinator.
“WAIT!” Erishy landed, releasing the mad doctor and stepping away. “I’ve been going about this all wrong. Pinks, how is Doof normally beaten?”
“Either with a self destruct button or just disassembling his latest Inator, which BTW the mythbusters are already doing.”
“Wait what?” Doofenshmirtz whirled around to find Adam Savage and Jamie Hynem--Hynepony in the process of taking apart the machine. “Hey, get away from there!” He attempted to run over and stop the heinous act....
...only to be tripped up and sat on by the canary pegasus. “You should calm down. We could all go to Denny's or something.”
“You know, aside from me being in a box," I pointed out. "Hey look, I’m a blind bag!”
“You know what, screw it." Linda, apparently fed up with all the randomness, decided to just do something random herself. "Julien, you want to go on a date?”
"Yes, but not the time, seeing as how I am trapped in a giant hamster ball.” The plastic hamster ball rolled around a bit as the unicorn struggled with his bindings.
"You two are totally going to get married again,” I quipped.
The giant metal arms, apparently forgotten, shot out and pulled Erishy into their clutches. Doofenshmirtz stood up, brushing himself off, and gave her a mocking grin. “Well no matter! I still have the ponies! I could, I don’t know, just drop them on people!”
“Yeah!" she shouted encouragingly. "Drop me on the hamster ball!”
The mad doctor seemed to be about to follow her plan, when he stopped suddenly. “Wait, is this the part where you try to use reverse psychology on me to get me to do what you want? I never really liked that part, it just seems so... ugh.”
”Well.... yes," Erishy admitted reluctantly. "That is this part. But if you don’t play along, I could always use the Glare. I really would prefer not to.”
Doof raised an eyebrow. “Wait. You’re challenging ME to an evil glare-off?”
“Mine isn’t evil. But sure.”
“KILL THIS WHOLE SITUATION WITH FIRE!” Julien screamed.
“Calm down," I advised with a grin, "it’s just two saturday cartoons and the mythbusters having a crossover.” Seriously though, this was exceedingly crazy. Hmmm.
"Okay, so any rules to our glare-off? Because I out-glared a cockatrice, I wouldn't want to hurt you."
"Well, usually it's whoever looks away first. And you may have bigger eyes but I have these humongous eyebrows, so--"
"Hey, out of curiosity how did you even get to this dimension?" I interrupted. That had been bugging me for a while, but the show had distracted me from actually saying anything.
Doof shrugged, waving a vague hand as the metal arms released Erishy. "Some... strange snakey thing brought me here and told me to take care of some ponies."
"...Discord does not take us seriously, does he."
"You are Pinkie Pie," Erishy replied simply. "I doubt he takes anything you do seriously. So.... Go."
As the two of them started staring at each other with the intensity of a thousand suns, I sat in my metal box and sighed. Yes, I was the silly one, but that didn't mean I didn't have feelings. Sending a guaranteed failure like Doofenshmirtz after me was a bit insulting.
Linda watched the glare-off, nonplussed. "....we're seriously doing this."
Julian nodded,giving her a sympathetic look. "...So, any idea on what we will do for our first date?"
"I dunno. Eat? I think I got Cadance to step up my romantic game."
I raised my eyebrow at this. "Speaking of Cadance, how are you two doing?"
"You remember the bubbles?" Linda twitched her neck and rolled her eyes up, managing to indicate her brain. "This whole thing popped the bubbles."
Huh, stress as a communication trigger. That made sense.
"You know, this thing is pretty well constructed," commented Adam Savage, throwing an odd machine part over his shoulder.
"Well, we could take Erica's car and go to somewhere simple, olive garden would have plenty of non meat options." Julien ignored the mythbuster in favor of kicking the bottom off the metal box he was constrained in.
"I think that's a bit high class, but Cadance is okay with that..." Linda shook her head in confusion. "Okay, hold up. Which ones of us are dating? Cadance and Shining or Linda and Julien?"
I flicked my mane out of my eyes. "Having NO romantic experience, I'd go with the human half of the equations. I assume dates are those sort of 'let's get to know each other better' things."
"Julien and Linda," the unicorn confirmed, sliding out of the box with some effort. "The ponies of us are already married, though revisiting our dating days isn't a terrible thing." He clutched at the ring around his horn with his forehooves.
"Yeah that's what I was thinking," Linda agreed. "Just wanted to clarify on that."
Jamie Hynepony gave his partner an unamused glance. "You know, Adam, as interesting as that pony thrower is maybe we should call the cops."
"...yeah, maybe you're right." The human mythbuster pulled out his cell phone and started dialing.
"Are you two just random deus ex machinas or something?" I inquired.
Julien finally managed to tear off the ring, teleporting out of the hamster ball and enclosing Doof in a rose colored shield. "Enough of that." He walked over to Linda and began to pull her own ring off.
The mad doctor would not be so easily defeated, however. With a tap of his remote, he made the mechanical arms shine a red spotlight on him, giving him a nefarious advantage in the battle of will.
"See, you put him in the shield and now he's using a spotlight." My face beat against the box holding me tight. "This is what we call serial escalation, people! You're a guard, you should know better than to do this."
"It's a glare competition," Linda insisted, leaning her neck as Julien worked the ring off her horn. "I don't think there's any damage done."
"Oh yeah? Toss that ring between them, I dare you."
The unicorn rolled his eyes. "I am simply keeping him from getting away when the cops get here." Nevertheless, he flicked the ring between doctor and pegasus.
The results were rather dramatic. Under the combined pressure of the two glares, the ring shattered and exploded. One of the shards whirred past Adam Savage, going into the partially disassembled Ponythrowinator; the strange machine activated, sucking up Doofenshmirtz and his pink prison before launching him into the air at high speeds.
"Curse you, Fluttershy the Pooooooony!"
We all stared at his disappearing form.
I was the one who managed to recover first. "...I think you won."
"Oh...." Erishy blinked, stared at her hooves for a moment, and suddenly smiled. "Yay!" Her dimples squeaked again. Seriously, how does she do that?
Julien shook his head. "This is all just... Just so wrong."
"What, were you expecting some epic boss battle or something?" I quipped.
Oh, the universe loves to screw with me. No sooner had I said that then the entire hoverplatform tilted to the side, sending us all falling onto the roof. The robot arms sank into the former floor; with an incredible creak, they pushed a portion of it outward. It was then I realized the arms were not alone; no, the robot arms were attached to the body of a GIANT ROBOT MAN!
"Excuse me, but have any of you seen my father?"
"Um...." I replied intelligently.
Linda provided a flat "Wut." Well, somepony had to.
However, Julien had decided he had had enough. "NO! None of that! Shame on you!" With a shimmer of his horn, the robot man vanished. "No more of that stuff. Big spells are coming out." Even I realized, at this point, that he was rather frustrated.
Erishy shook her head sadly. "Poor robot man..."
"....he ran on squirrel power, you know."
Linda gave me a confused look. "Sorry, what?"
"There was a squirrel in his chest that ran in a little hamster wheel and--"
"He's fine, I sent him to Nevada." Julien shrugged, turning to free Linda from her prison. "Noone cares about Nevada."
"So..." Erishy was suddenly next to the only human on the roof. "So do you have plans for the evening?" She boasted an eager grin on her face, one that I felt jealous of... It should have been ME next to the real life mad scientist! Oh well, I'd probably get my turn later.
Adam Savage, to his credit, managed a mildly embaressed smile. "Well my wife and kids wanted me to take them to the local amusement park."
"I personally just want to spend time relaxing in the hotel with my own wife,” Jamie Hynepony muttered.
Finally freed from her containment, Linda stretched her wings out and cricked her neck. "Erishy, weren't you just complaining about wanting to get out of the public eye?"
"I think we should all postpone whatever until we talk with the police," I stated flatly. Okay, so maybe I wasn't letting only logic influence my words; the fact was, Fluttershy had defeated my villain and was getting close to my hero and... yeeeeeah I was just being a jealous jealousy pants. "I'm still a blind bag, by the way.”
"But..." The pegasus waved a plaintive hoof at the mythbuster. "But Adam Savage!"
Instantly, I felt guilty at my own desires. Maybe I should have handled the situation with more sensitivity... still, the sirens coming down the road managed to distract us all from Erishy's sorrow.
Apparently Julien now understood exactly how the metal boxes were made, since he managed to rip mine off near instantly. "I have to ask, why no party cannon?"
"I..." Stretching out like a cat, I prodded Pinkie's mind for an answer. "...hold on. I..." The information coming from the party pony was so dense, I had to take a moment to process it; a moment became two, two became three, and then I just decided to hand the reins over. "You know what I'll let Pinkie explain it."
Really?!
Yeah, go ahead and talk, filly.
Pinkie grinned, which is still a weird feeling. "Well to bring my party cannon out I'd have to wriggle my wronkers and I couldn't do that while that pox had me tighter than a twist tie because I could only move this way that way these ways and those ways bust not this way, plus in order to get my party cannon completely correct I'd have to sync to the sympathetic party matrix located in the main barrel but because Reid such a scaredey pants I don't have full walkaround in my wronkers and--"
I had been watching the pictorial expression of Pinkie's thought and realized she might be confusing the others, so I took back control. "Right, so basically dimensional limitations based on psionic potential--"
"Hey!" Pinkie glowered at her muzzle. "Don't interrupt me with my own mouth!"
Well that was... very weird. "Look, you were confusing Erishy, I summed up--
"But that only explains some of the reasons!" Pinkie insisted. "What about the--?"
"Do you really think they need to know about that?" I cut her off with a roll of my eyes. "The only reason I know is because you were think--"
"Well SOMEBODY might need to use the cannon sometime and--" Pinkie pointed out.
"Will you two please stop bickering?!" Linda shrieked. "This is confusing enough as is!"
There was a moment of silence where all of us stared at her. She shut her eyes, took a deep breath, and assumed a more relaxed pose.
"I found that a lot funnier than I should have." Erishy smiled at us, giving us a reassuring pat on the shoulder. "It's okay though, I understand.."
Julien glanced very the edge of the roof. "Cops are here. This is what, our third police encounter in our adventure?"
The pegasus sighed. "Yeah."
"Second for us," Linda commented.
"Fifth for us," Adam Savage added. We all stared at him, somewhere between Seriously? and Oh of course he's a mythbuster.
"....Fifth?" I finally managed. "Really?"
Jamie Hynepony shook his head. "You really don't want to know."
Linda pawed at the roof for a moment, before taking another deep breath. "I'm sorry, just to clarify: Fluttershy defeated a mad scientist by staring at him so hard his inventions rebelled against him?"
I shook my head. "Invention, singular."
"...I'm only going to ask this one last time: Who in the name of God drugged my coffee?"
Erishy shrugged. “Wasn’t me, but I understand the feeling.”
My ears flicked idly toward Linda as she spoke with the police officer, but my gaze was focused skyward. Black clouds were rolling out of the setting sun; from atop the warehouse roof it was a quite beautiful phenomena.
"Yes, I do think he is from a cartoon... no, ponies aren't at war with him, that is the changelings... but not anymore... I'm sorry, I know it's confusing...." Erishy smiled apologetically as the officer talking to her shrugged and left in annoyance. She walked over beside me, glancing at the storm in the distance.
"Looks like it's gonna rain..."
"I hope it does," she replied. "I love the rain."
"Yes, I sent the robot about fifteen hundred miles west." Julien was being quite snippy with the officer talking to him. "I think it was easier than normal due to it being unreal like we are. Also, I used up pretty much all my energy."
"Rain makes me sleepy," I commented. "Don't know what it is, I just burrow down and listen to that pitter patter on the roof..."
"Well it may not make you sleepy anymore." Seeing as you're me now.
Again with the moving lips... "I don't think we want to do the Gollum act in front of the cops, Pinkie. No offense."
"Hey, if anypony's Gollum here, you're Gollum. This is my body. So I'm Smeagol."
A sly smirk formed on my face. "So I get to say creep things and try to convince you to turn to the dark side?" I forced my voice down to a grinding gritty tone. "Bakses the cupcakes, precious, theys taste of good fishies!"
"Ew!" Pinkie wrinkled up our snout in mock disgust. "Heeheehee..."
Erishy giggled at our antics. "Have you seen lord of the rings enacted by ponies? I forget if I even make an appearance." She let out a sigh. "I can't wait to get home and just relax."
"No, not really. I don't go too much for the custom animation... My youtube connection sucks," I explained. "I can barely get the new episodes." I pulled my hood over my head in preparation for the precipitation.
"No, if I was going to send you to Nevada, I would have by now. Not like I had anything else to use my magic on, since we've been wasting time crawling at a snails pace across the states, the world will probably end by the time we get there..." Julien groused behind us. "No, what would make you think I was upset? I've answered all your questions, haven't I?"
"I'm sorry sir, I only transformed this morning. I don't think I could use my magic in such a manner... Well I do feel a little tense, but that's from being cramped in a box." Linda, at least, was being more cordial.
I let my mind wander as I watched the oncoming clouds. Something about Erishy's last comment, though, struck a chord with me. "By home.... which home do you mean?"
She glanced away, hiding behind her mane. Silence reigned.
"...are we friends Reid?"
"Friend." I tilted my head, considering her question. "What an interesting word.... I had very few friends, before the pony thing. Even after most of my friends were online. But..." I nodded. "I would like to think we are friends."
"No. Yes sir. No." Julien let out an aggravated sigh. "Are we done here?"
"What? Oh... fine." Linda shook her head. "Julien, this nice officer wants to take a picture of us with him for his little girl."
"Fine, I'm done with this one anyway." He walked over to the other side of the indicated officer, giving a somewhat strained smile as one of the policemen, rolling his eyes, pulled out a camera and snapped a photo.
"You know, home's a very strange word too," I mused. "I've always felt comfortable anywhere, really. Just so long as I had a quiet nook to retreat to. I don't have a home, because... I feel the whole world is my home."
"Yeah..." The pegasus nodded. "In this situation, when I say I can't wait to get home, I mean anywhere where I can be safe, with my friends."
"Friends and family," I agreed amicably. "Pretty much the same thing...."
I had two families now though. My mom back in Texas and my brothers and sister and my dad... and then, from the other memories, the Cakes, and the ponies back at the rock farm. Friends... I had more friends with hooves then I did with hands, and to be honest most of the human friends I had I knew via internet... I couldn't figure out which home I wanted to go to. I couldn't decide which one I needed more.
"...We got to meet the Mythbusters," I finally commented, patting the pocket with Adam Savage's signature in it. "That's always fun."
"Yeah..." Erishy chuckled. "They left really soon though, I probably scared them off..."
"Great, now I suppose we can head to the hotel?" Julien asked tiredly. "Did the rest of the group catch up with us?"
Linda rolled her eyes, taking her phone out of her purse with her magic. "We were flying, so... hold on....pick up pick up pick up...."
"You? Scary?" I couldn't help but giggle uproariously at that idea, Fluttershy the monster. "Heeheehee.... hmmm. Maaaaaaaybe."
"Hey Ginny. Yes, we're all right...." Linda grumbled as she adjusted her phone to her new face. "Nopony's hurt, the cops are here... no, I don't think she's traumatized.... We'll be heading for the hotel soon. No. Yes, I know that. What, really?"
I sighed. "Here we go, a short conversation extends to half an hour..."
"Rawr!" Erishy threw her hooves up in an aggressive gesture, just barely keeping a grin off her face. I smirked back, batting at one of the hooves with an aggressive meow. Julein's reply to our shenanigans was to roll his eyes.
"Ugh. Just... just stay in the lobby, I promise we'll be right there." Lind shut her phone and glanced over at us. "Hey you two! Stop playing around, we need to get a cab back to the hotel."
"Mrrow?" I folded my ears back at the rebuke. Erishy took the moment of distraction to return my attack with a boop on the nose and a roar. I scrunched up my muzzle; that had tickled.
"What's up sweetieeeeaaaIIII mean Linda."
"Wait, what?" Apparently Julien was just as surprised as what had come out of his mouth as Linda was, seeing as the two were staring at each other with a look of utter shock.
"...Meeeerow," I finally commented with a grin.
Linda glowered at me for a moment. Then she took a deep breath. "You know what, I'm just gonna... let's... let's just head downstairs." As we all trotted to the lower floors, I saw her failing to hide a small smirk on her face and managed to catch half-heard mutterings.
As we got to street level, I pulled out my miraculously undamaged iPad. "Alright, nearest taxi service..." I flicked open a browser, inputting the address of the warehouse behind us into the google maps searchbar before I realized something". "Um... what was the address of our hotel again?"
"No idea, but if you look up our DDR video I bet they have the name of the mall," Erishy suggested.
"I'll call up Ginny... again..." Linda grumbled as she once more wrangled with a phone designed for human facial bones.
"...Here's a random thought. If you're the complete fusion of Fluttershy and Erica, are you their daughter?"
Erishy looked at me in complete horror, her eye even twitching a bit. "I don't have the backbone for motherhood. I mean, I have a hard enough time saying no to Angel, and he can't even speak."
"So does that imply that Pinkie is going to be a parent in some twisted way?" Julien quipped.
"There was a whole EPISODE devoted to me learning to be a good parent!" Pinkie snapped in an offended tone.
"A good childtender," I pointed out, softening our face. "Not a good parent. There's a difference, Pinkie."
"Oh come on, what's so weird about me being a mom?"
"One, I'm here now. Two, a true parent ensures their child has... a future." I shrugged. "I've thought a lot about this. Three, you're more the crazy auntie then a mom."
Pinkie rolled our eyes. "Look, I want to have kids SOMEDAY--"
"We are not talking about this."
"But--" she tried.
"Nope."
"Maybe--" she attempted.
I tuned her out by singing nyancat. Loudly.
Oh yeah, real mature, Reid. Reeeeeal mature.
"Guys!" Linda snapped. "I'm on the phone!"
I stopped my singing, hanging my head in shame as I realized just how childish I was being. Sorry, Pinkie....
"You are far more interesting than my internal problems." Erishy wrapped us in a warm hug. "Don't worry, I think you could make a great parent someday."
"if she doesn't give it diabetes first," Julien quipped.
"It's the whole... eleven months of being preggers that gets to me," I admitted. "Mostly cause, you know, I used to be a guy."
"Stallions are wusses."
"I've RPd birth, Pinkie, I'm just not ready for that yet. Heck I'm not ready for marriage yet."
"Uh huh. Okay." Linda snapped her phone off, dropping it back into her purse. "The address is 520 Minnesota Avenue."
I nodded, plugging the address into the searchbar. It took me a moment, but I realized that I was still being hugged.
"....I appreciate the concern, Erishy, but I think that it would be best for everypony if we just moved on from this." With an embarrassed cough, I slipped out of her grasp and began walking. "Taxi is that way."
"Sorry, I like hugs." The pegasus shrugged as a cab drew near to us.
Julien was glancing at Linda in what I think he thought was a surreptitious manner, but it wasn't long before Linda caught him. He chuckled a bit awkwardly and shrugged; she rolled her eyes and slipped into the cab without another word. I grinned, waving the stallion in after her.
"Hey, we all like hugs. I just..." I tried to figure out what I was trying to say. "That was a rather... and... um..." I couldn't help but blush as I realized I... actually liked being hugged by Erishy. More then being hugged by other people....
No, stop. I clamped down hard on that train of thought. We're not going there, not yet. "You know what, I have no idea. Subject change.".
"Rather what and what?" She slid in, giving me a confused look. "Sorry I didn't hear you."
"Yeah, just...." I sat down next to her, keeping my gaze on the ground. "Forget it. It's a thing, it's past."
Are you crushing on Shy?
Are you Pinkie?
...Touche.
"Oh, okay." The pegasus seemed to accept my explanation fairly quickly. "So we were gonna work on costumes tonight, still on you think?"
I grinned, glad to be back on solid ground. "Yeppers. Can't let Dissy's shenanigans distract us, right? Otherwise he wins." The cab started rolling down the road.
"That will be nice, it's been at least a few days since I had something constructive to do."
"Mmmm. Doing things." I shut my eyes, leaning against the car door. "Interesting how useful it makes you feel."
Julien stretched, his foreleg incidentally ending up around Linda's withers. She gave him a flat look. "That's the oldest trick in the book."
"That's why it works."
Linda looked into his smiling face with amusement... before suddenly and quickly pushing the hoof off her and staring out the window. "I'm sorry, I'm... still getting used to this."
The unicorn was crestfallen. "Sorry."
Linda sighed after a moment. "...Look, Julien. Or Shining, if you're there. I woke up this morning in a strange body, spent the entire day having a strange... impression in the back of my head, and I was just kidnapped by a mad scientist. Right now, all I want to do is relax and avoid the big questions. It's... it's not you, it's me."
As if on cue, the rain began to pitter patter on the roof of the car. I grinned, perking my ears up to that relaxing deluge. Erishy leaned on my shoulder, eliciting another blush, but thankfully my hood was up and I could avoid the tangled questions in my head being accidentally revealed.
"Hey, I understand, I'm just saying sorry because I don't want to make it harder on you than it already is."
"Just--Look. Just don't say anything!" Linda was quiet for a moment, before taking a deep breath. "....I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap--"
"Golden rule, Linda," I said calmly. "Treat others as you wish to be treated. You want quiet, be quiet."
"Do you want a hug Linda?" Erishy offered gently.
"...I... Ugh. Sure, why not..."
I felt the pegasus release her pressure on me, presumably to wrap the pink pony princess in a comforting embrace. A smile was on my lips as I heard the swishing of the windshield wipers; the song of falling water became a lullaby, and I drifted to a black rest.
I turned away from the window as the cab pulled into the hotel parking lot. "Well, they were worried when we were kidnapped, but they couldn't do anything but call the cops. They've been waiting for us ever since then." My magic dived into my purse, pulling out a couple of twenties and handing it to the not at all amazed driver.
"Well then, let's head in." Reid hopped out of the car into the pouring rain without any hesitation. Erishy followed her... him... them, fluffing her wings out and giggling for a moment; her natural shyness overcame her quickly, though, and she snapped her wings shut before rushing to Reid's side.
Julien... well, I guess Shining Armor... whoever he was now slid out of the car and turned, offering me a hoof as the others walked in. I'll admit I was a bit hesitant to accept it... I was still unsure how I felt about him, you understand. But I realized he was just being polite and eventually accepted his offered hoof. He smiled at that, giving me a little salute as he created a force-field umbrella above us.
I wasn't sure I liked the attention. It was nice but... it was for the wrong reasons, except part of me felt that they were the right reasons...
Of course, the moment we got into the hotel proper, Pinkie-Reid shook themselves dry doggy style (completely drenching Erishy) and walked into the lobby with a grin. "Hey guys, you miss me?"
"That's it?" Jacqueline gave him an upset and incredulous look. "You were just kidnapped by who knows who and, and, and--"
"And it happened, and it's past, and we're all together again." The pink pony patted her gently, flashing a warm smile.
"Anyone want hugs?" Erishy offered, still dripping wet. "Hugs help when facing the scary and inexplicable."
Ginny was quick to take her up on the offer, somehow managing to wrap her arms around all four of us with tears in her eyes. Jackie joined her rather quickly, sobbing just a bit; Pinkie-Reid-Whatever returned the gesture calmly. I had to roll my eyes at their melodramatics, but in the end they were my friends... my own forelegs wrapped around them, reassuring the girls that I wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.
Of course the manly men didn't join in, but I could see them releasing tension from their stances out of the corner of my eye. Heh.
"Yay!" The yellow pegasus who had suggested this press of bodies cheered quietly. "So now we can all go to the rooms and relax right? I like the idea of relaxing." She was smiling, but I think all the people around her were once again triggering her shyer instincts.
"O-Of course, darling, it's just..."Jackie managed to compose herself and backed off slightly. "We were all so worried about you..."
"He didn't hurt you, did he?" Ginny looked us all over. "If he did, I swear I'll--"
"Just my pride," the pink pony sighed, letting their eyes fall to the floor. "I don't know if it'll ever recover though..."
Erishy giggled a bit. "We are fine, I kinda feel bad for the poor guy..."
"What? Why?"
"It was Doofenshmirtz," Pinkie Reid explained.
Ginny gave him-her-them a nonplussed look. "Who?"
"You're kidding." Ian was, apparently, quicker on the uptake.
"He was..." I flicked a wing vaguely. "Basically a cartoon mad scientist, called himself evil and had a giant machine for throwing ponies at people." Even as I said it, the explanation felt ridiculous.
"You're fucking me." Ginny shook her head and flung her hands into the air.
"He was nice," Erishy offered. "I mean besides the evil scientist thing, he was okay...."
"Well he probably died from the fall." Julien shrugged. "Or bounced, I dunno."
Pinkie-Reid affixed him with a glare. "Not. Funny." The stallion backed off, letting his gaze fall to the ground.
Erishy put a gentle hoof on the pink pony's shoulder. "He probably had a jetpack..."
"He's probably alive, anyway. Don't joke about his death."
"Well! Ahem." Jackie clapped her hands together, quite intentionally trying to distract everybody from the grim atmosphere. "I have the costuming cloth station up for anybody who would like to help me with it. I already carved out your Midna helmet, the paint just needs to dry."
Instantly the pink pony's face went from serious to enthusiastic. "Wow! Can I see it?"
"Anything I can wingstitch?" Erishy offered.
The term seemed to confuse Jackie just a bit. "I... don't know."
"Let her see what you have," Pinkie Reid suggested with a roll of their eyes. "She can decide if she can do it."
"Right." With a firm nod, my friend led the two other mares upstairs... leaving me with Julien and/or Shining, who was not so subtly following me around.
I blushed just a bit, trying to distract myself. "...so. Ahem. Does... anybody have anything to eat?"
Unfortunately for my sanity, Ginny was surprisingly on the ball. She leaned tin with a grin, glancing between me and the unicorn. "So what's going on between you two?"
An aggravated sigh escaped my lips. "It's like having a big friendly puppy that still needs a bath... I kinda like him, but I just want to put some distance between us right now." Apparently, Julien overheard me since he stepped back a bit, but there was still a smile on his face.... and for the life of me, but I swear I didn't want to think about that smile going away!
Harold hung up his cell phone. "I just ordered us pizza, should be here in twenty minutes.
"Vegetarian?"
"Among other things...."
"Ugh." I hated vegetarian pizza. "I want a hamburger..."
Julien gave me a sympathetic look. "I miss bacon."
"And now I'm stuck on the veggie diet. Great." I'd never thought about it before but... I liked what I ate. I really did, the variety of it all...
"You still have, you know, pasta." Ginny gave me a reassuring pat on the wing.
I turned to Julien and raised an eyebrow. "Are you saying you're going to get me chocolates?"
My only reply was a confident grin. And again, I felt shivers down my spine.... did I like this stallion? Or was it Cadance who liked him, and I was just along for the ride? Should I push him away so I could figure out my own feelings, or... should I give him a chance? The last time I'd given a chance to some guy it hadn't... turned out well....
But....
Julien, even without Shining's influence, seemed decent enough. And Shining Armor was, well, a knight in shining armor. Maybe I could trust him.
"....I don’t like dark chocolate." With that, I turned away, a sly smirk on my face; let the unicorn interpret that how he felt. It would show me what he was really like. "Ginny, have you checked with things back home?"
"Well yeah. Your sister's doing well, and those guys at the office send their regards...
When I sleep in a car, it's not a very deep sleep. Every few stops my eyes flicker open briefly, and I sometimes force myself awake. I have to give credit to that cabbie, though, he got us where we were going... fairly quickly anyway.
As I jolted awake one last time, I realized that the hotel had come into view. I could vaguely hear Erishy asking something, and shook my head to catch it; by the time my ears were awake, however, Linda was already answering.
"...but they couldn't do anything but call the cops. They've been waiting for us ever since then."
I grinned, shaking off the last of my sleep and hopping out into a veritable monsoon. "Well then, let's head in." Erishy hopped out after me, giggling a little as she let the rain run through her feathers before scrambling to my side. And... leaning in a bit. Thankfully my hood was up, so she didn't see me blushing...
Pinkie, this is your body! Tell it Fluttershy--Erishy I mean, tell it she's just a friend!
Are you sure she is?
...You'd have to like her too!
You know you're being silly, and not in a haha way like I am but in a 'who's a silly pony you is' kind of way. If you like her then you like her, no ifs ands or buts! Well maybe a few butts but that's further down the line. Anyway, I'm okay with you dating her if you want to and--
By that point we'd managed to get in the building, and I decided to squash the matter entirely by giving a vigorous shake. Practically every droplet of water left my body... and clung to Erishy's mane and tail, making the whole situation EVEN WORSE.
See? Even when she's drenched she's cute.
Pinkie, it's just an emotional extension of meeting somebody who brought me out of my shell a bit. I've had this sort of thing before, and last time... I gave a mental sigh. Last time, I didn't make a move and she went on happy enough without me. I'm not going to push myself on Erishy either.
Reid and Erica, Sit-ting in a tree... K I S S I N G!
I decided to ignore the shipper in my head, instead walking over to the group waiting in the lobby. "Hey guys, you miss me?"
Apparently that was too casual. Jacqueline looked at me, practically in hysterics. "That's it? You were just kidnapped by who knows who and, and, and--"
"And it happened, and it's past, and we're all together again." Pinkie walked over and patted her reassuringly on the shoulder. It was still a bit odd, but I think I was getting used to switching out control at this point.
"Anyone want hugs? Hugs help when facing the scary and inexplicable." Erishy smiled gently at the gathered cosplayers.
Almost instantly the two ladies wrapped all us colorful horses up in their arms--even Julien, who had been standing a polite distance from Linda. I returned the hug with a reassuring smile as they both cried their hearts out--hey, I can't help it if everybody loves me--and Linda managed to awkwardly wrap her own limbs around her friends.
"Yay!" Erishy struggled a bit, accidentally immobilized by her wet mane being entangled in the embrace. "So now we can all go to the rooms and relax right? I like the idea of relaxing."
Jackie sniffed, releasing us. "O-Of course, darling, it's just... We were all so worried about you..."
"He didn't hurt you, did he?" Ginny backed off and cracked her knuckles. "If he did, I swear I'll--"
"Just my pride," I admitted with a sigh as I hung my head. "I don't know if it'll ever recover though..." I didn't know if anypony could ever... really respect me. Appreciate, tolerate, love... but respect... I didn't know about.
"We are fine," Erishy added with a giggle, oblivious to my own musing. "I kinda feel bad for the poor guy..."
"What?" Ginny gave her a look of confusion. "Why?"
"It was Doofenshmirtz," I explained with a snort.
"Who?"
Ian rose an eybrow. "You're kidding."
"He was... basically a cartoon mad scientist, called himself evil and had a giant machine for throwing ponies at people." Linda shrugged helplessly.
Her Fluttershy-obsessed friend crossed her arms. "You're fucking me."
Said yellow pegasus waved a conciliatory hoof. "He was nice, I mean besides the evil scientist thing, he was okay...."
"Well he probably died from the fall," Julien commented with a shrug. "Or bounced, I dunno."
I glowered at him. "Not. Funny." Taking death so lightly was just not something you DID in my books.
"He probably had a jetpack..." Erishy offered, trying to neutralize the situation.
"He's probably alive, anyway," I grumbled. "Don't joke about his death."
"Well! Ahem." Jackie brought her hands together. "I have the costuming cloth station up for anybody who would like to help me with it. I already carved out your Midna helmet, the paint just needs to dry."
Instantly, Pinkie took control, smiling and bouncing eagerly over to the cosplayer. "Wow! Can I see it?"
"Anything I can wingstitch?" Erishy asked, unfurling her feathers for show.
"I... don't know."
I rolled my eyes at her blank stare. "Let her see what you have, she can decide if she can do it."
"Right." Jackie smiled, gesturing to us and walking towards the stairs. We followed her to a room filled with bolts of cloth, a few outfits already on the mannequins and some designs laied out for servicing. The bearer of Kindness immediatel flew over to one, grabbing a needle and thread in her feathers and taking up a work position in the corner. I on the other hand/hoof was drawn to the large gray object resting on a plastic head.
"Eeeeeeeeee!"
Jackie smiled as I bounced up and down in front of the helm I would wear come the morrow. "Glad you like it."
"Gamecube version too!" It was Midna's helmet! It was the first fused shadow, RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF MY EYES! "YesYesYesYes--!"
I took a moment to force myself into stillness. No need to accidentally break the thing in my eagerness.
"Ahem. I don't want to get in your way, so I'll just head over to where Figment is." With a grin, I stepped out of that magical room, leaving the two wizards to do what they did while I checked on my old buddy and my own brand of magic.
The dragon had faithfully guarded my sketches and saddlebags, waiting patiently for my return. I rubbed his head, giving him a bright grin before I plunked myself on the edge of my bed. My iPad was pulled out again, and as I opened the browser my hooves danced across the modified digital keyboard.
Hey mom! I'm in Kansas city, and I'm all right. Apparently Discord (think Q as an evil chimera) managed to get Doctor Doofenshmirtz into this reality to try to attack us... being Doof, nothing really came of it. Anyway, I'm winding down now.... tomorrow me and the other ponies are going to go trick or treating! Happy Halloween!
With that taken care of, I decided it might be a good time to check the news for pony related articles. I smirked as I plugged the words into the search bar, only able to wonder what crazy shenanigans Rarity and Applejack might have gotten into, or whether the CMC had done anything wild.
My smile faded, however, as the first news article popped up.
Unicorn Hospitalized, Princesses Missing
There was an image of Twilight.... stable, but hooked up to so many machines that I couldn't even begin to guess what had happened to her.
Pinkie began crying, the tears squirting out in waterfalls, but I kept a firm grip on our throat and muted our sobs. As we read further and further down the article, I could feel our mane straightening. I won't... I won't lie. I wasn't reading just to find out what happened, but because some... cold, logical part of me wanted to know exactly how it happened, to catalog the data away in a file labeled 'Obscure Medical Knowledge'.
Reid... please. Pinkie pulled the device to our chest. Just stop reading.
I didn't resist. Even though I was curious... the pain and disgust I felt outweighed that.
We sat there, silently releasing rivers of tears in cartoonishly exaggerated arcs, until at last there were no more tears to use.
...Sh....Should we tell the others?
I didn't answer immediately. My thoughts went down to that hug I had engaged in down in the lobby; to the honestly upset faces of Jackie and Ginny. To my own, unintentionally callous reaction.
"Hey, Erishy," I eventually called out. "Could you come here for a second?" I took a moment to flick my hood up and wrap a blanket around my waist, hiding my mane and tail.
The hooves of the yellow pegasus clicked in behind me. "Yes.... Reid?"
"Could you, maybe, shut the door?"
"Y... yes?" I heard the latch click closed. "Are you okay?"
No. I didn't answer the question verbally... not yet. I was trying to think how to approach the conversation... and I eventually settled for a sideways angle. "So, you’re the element of Kindness, right?"
"Well... yes, I gained it again so I suppose I am..." Erishy glided over the bed, sitting next to me. "Are you okay? Did you get hurt?" The worry in her voice was painful for me to hear
"Well, you know how oblivious Pinkie can be, sometimes, and.... as an aspie, I often quipped that I lacked the natural empathy others had. So, you know, kindness is something that.... it’s very easy for me to be unintentionally unkind. Can I get some advice?"
She scooted a bit closer to me. "Well... Being blunt or being oblivious isn’t unkind. I mean, Pinkie didn’t mean to make Cranky upset, she just wanted to help him. A mistake like that isn’t mean, but if she had simply started breaking things on purpose, that would be. You... Um... You blame yourself a lot, don’t you?"
"I blame myself for what is my fault. I’m intelligent enough to recognize what isn’t. But... this isn’t about that." I finally managed to look at her, only then realizing she was hiding behind her mane. "If.... If you discovered something horrible, learned about a terrible event just after coming out of something else that was pretty bad, and your friends didn’t know... should you tell them? Compound their worries? Or just keep it close to heart?"
I guess I should have expected the hug I received. After all, it was Fluttershy. "Oh Reid... You can’t be alone. There are six of us for a reason. Nopony, noone should ever be alone, especially when dealing with something terrible..." She gazed into me face with those sympathetic mossgreen eyes of hers. "What happened?"
I seriously considered telling her it was nothing. I seriously considered just hiding the truth from her... but eventually, I realized that would be dishonest, and even if honesty wasn't my element it was an element
Involuntarily I chuckled as the appropriate term came to mind. "Yamato Nadeshiko."
"....Gazuntight?"
"It’s Japanese." I rolled my eyes. "You know parts of the fandom have declared you honorarily Japanese? It would explain the eyes, i can never draw your eyes... Anyway, I learned about the term from TVTropes. Yamato Nadeshiko, japanese wildflower. A cultural ideal of womanhood: Softspoken, elegant, but with a core of iron."
Erishy leaned back, frowning at the description. "I am not elegant. You know why I decline going to dinners? I can’t hold utensils." She produced an invisible spoon for emphasis. "No idea. I try really really hard but I’m always afraid I’m going to drop them."
"Mmmmhmmm, and you were a model and pretty much everybrony thinks making you cry is a federal crime. But..." I sighed. "It’s not the elegance I was referring to. It’s the iron core." The iPad traveled from my hooves into hers. "Because you’re going to need that."
As her eyes darted across the article, the pegasus began to hyperventilate. "T...Twilight? We need to get to New York.... I..." Her hooves wrapped around me tightly. "We can’t let her be alone either. We need to leave Reid.... We need to leave now."
I should have said yes. My heart was screaming for me to say yes, Pinkie was desperate to agree, but...
"Why?"
I listened to my head.
"If we leave now... we look like we’re panicking. We look like we’re panicking, and the world panics. I hate it, Erishy, I hate being stuck here, but right now..." Tears began to fall down my cheek as I forced the next words out. "Right now, things are dark, and the world needs a little laughter. I think we should... still go trick or treating tomorrow, just so everybody knows we still have hope."
I felt sick for suggesting it. Literally sick. And as we hugged each other in that hotel bedroom... I wondered why I did.
It took a while, but I was, eventually, able to cease the flow coming from my eyes. A hoof went up to my cheeks, rubbing the moisture out of the short pink hairs. "...W...Wow. Hee... tears. How do they work..."
"Pain turned physical I suppose?" Erishy brushed my face gently, drying it with practiced movements. "You are right though... We have to go on, we've got to keep up hope..."
Hee, Hope said hope. I giggled a bit, before realizing what I'd thought... It took me a moment to realize what had happened. "Huh. Wow, so that's what that feels like. Sparkly."
"Huh? What's wrong?"
"Oh you wouldn't believe me if I told you." I waved a hoof through the air. "Just file it under Pinkie being... Reid being Pinkie. Being Reid being Pinkie. Ad infinitum. Actually just file it under distracting self." I couldn't figure out if it was me being me or her being her or me being her or... whatever. So I decided to just drop it. "So.... what happens now?"
"It happened huh?" Erishy giggled. "So are you male or female now because that's been bugging me to no end... I keep feeling bad for thinking of you as one gender or name." She glanced at the floor, blushing a bit.
"What?" It took me a moment to realize she was referring to Pinkie and I becoming one. "Oh. Nonono, we're still we. But for the gender thing, um...." I stretched my mind, trying to figure out a good ruleset. "Male on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays, female on Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Sundays we're neuter."
"Um... I... Okay." For some reason that seemed to throw her, but her face quickly contorted back into sorrow. "So I guess we tell the others? Maybe find a better way to tell them than showing them a picture of Twi in a hospital bed?"
"Yeah... To be honest, though, I have a lot of faith in the medical system. Mom's a nurse. Reidmom," I clarified. "Wow, I have two mommies.... How am I going to explain this to mom? I mean, you know, Pinkie's mom, I mean..."
I shook my head in confusion.
"My point is, she'll be fine because my mom's a nurse. I'm more worried about the princesses of the day and night."
"They have so much power though..." Erishy looked at me, worry in her eyes. "Do you think they are actually in trouble? And if they are what could we do about it? We don't have spike to send her a letter, and I doubt Cad-- Linda or Julien would know how to locate them."
"Yeah. Princess of day and night." Something about that term rung a bell in my head. "Princess of the night.... Princess of the Night?"
An idea sprung into my head.
"PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT!" I grabbed Erishy's shoulders and gave her a wild grin.
"...Yes." Somewhat nonplussed, the pegasus brought a hoof up to my nose. "Princess of the night."
I pulled her into a tight, bone crushing hug. "HAHA! PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT!" Just as suddenly I bounded away, eagerly heading for the door!
A bit too eagerly, in fact; my face rebounded off the wooden surface.
"...Ow."
Erishy was at my side in a moment, helping me back onto my hooves. "Explain, then I'll let you run out there like a madmare." She stood between me and the door, raising an eyebrow at my shenanigans.
"Princess... of the night." I tapped my head, giving her a pointed look. "What do you do at night, hmm? Well, I mean in general, not, aheh, if you're with another pony or incontinent or...." Belatedly, I realized what I was doing. "I'm rambling, aren't I."
"Dream, but..." She glanced at me, unsure of what I was suggesting. "Are you sure? I mean, the chances of Princess Luna wanting to visit one of our dreams...."
"Infinitesimal," I admitted. "Which is why I need to ask Jackie for some tin foil. And antennae, if she has those." My grin grew absolutely insane. "Every road can be walked two ways."
"....you want to hijack your dream in order to reach out to Princess Luna? Well, I suppose it's better than not trying anything at all." Erishy stepped aside, clearly unsure my idea would work.
I shrugged. "Yeah, I know it sounds weird. And insane."
Pinkie grinned. "And maybe a little bit..." She grabbed hold of the element of laughter, twirling it around our hoof. "...silly?"
That elicited a giggle from the yellow pegasus. "I missed you." She wrapped us in a warm hug.
"Well, the idea was Reid's. I just added the tin foil hat. Everything works better with a tin foil hat."
I glanced down, realizing how close Erishy was to me. "Not to split you ladies apart, but we don't have the tin foil hat yet."
"You know you like the hug, Reid," admonished my mental partner.
"Yes, I do..." I sighed. "Fine, two minutes and then we go back to being silly in a serious way."
"We will get through this, won't we?" She wrapped her forelegs more tightly around me. "Everything will work out okay."
I smiled, returning the tightening grip. "Yep. Because we're the ones working on them."
She leaned forward, just a bit, locking gazes with me. For once in my life it didn't feel... intense. It feels natural. ""I... I feel safe here, Pinkie... Reid.... Both of you, I feel like home. Don't go anywhere okay?"
She had that nervous, worried smile she always used when she was afraid of offending me. "I... well, I won't stay away," I promised. "I mean for small things like the bathroom and splitting up car rides or stuff like that... I'll probably stick in a ten mile radius and--"
Pinkie rolled our eyes. "Reid, you're over thinking things again." She was smiling as she looked at Fluttershy. "I'll keep him on a tight leash."
I chuckled, just a bit, as I looked at those moss-green eyes, shimmering with questions and fear and... and hope...
The pegasus burrowed her mane into my chest, sighing as her eyes began to flutter open and closed. There was an awkward moment where I wanted, really wanted to just stay like that and knew I'd eventually have to break this embrace to get that tinfoil hat. I mean, yeah, I was stroking her mane, but...
"...um... Erishy?"
And then Pinkie pulled a cruel little trick. "While I'm thinking about it, I have something to tell you..."
"Hmm?" Her sleepy gaze once more tilted up to mine, a... well, a very cute smile on it. I stared at her... she was so close and--
This is wrong, Pinkie. Not after I showed her Twilight, not while she's hurting. I took a deep breath. "Well, Figment was wondering if you could give him any dating tips with... what was her name, the striped Fluttershy plushie?" Maybe a bit of random would distract her.
She giggled. "Ms. Buzzy. He should just tell her that he likes her. I mean, she's a plushie. I'm sure she would love to have somepony to hold her and keep her safe and... And..."
"...and as much as I honestly hate to break this up, it's been two minutes and I really need that tin foil hat to contact Luna." My forehooves were forced onto the ground as my gaze turned to the side. "And you promised to help Jackie with the costumes, right? She wouldn't keep you up all night, but you should probably still help her."
Even as I moved aside and reached for the door handle, though, Erishy began to wake back up. "Pinkie I... I mean Reid... Did you mean..."
"Pinkie was pulling a little prank." I sighed, realizing how blunt that sounded, and started again. "You... helped me out of my shell, and the last girl who did that I had a... I thought I had a crush on. But I never asked her out, and looking back it was more joy that somebody understood me then anything romantic." My shoulders slumping, my eyes on the door. "I don't want to make that mistake again. I don't want to confuse... well, like I said, there's more then one kind of close friend."
The pony whose body I was sharing winced at my words. Are you trying to friend-zone her?!
"...I'm confused, and I can't say yea or nay yet. And of course I don't want to hurt you, and of course there's things more important, yadda yadda yadda." My mouth twisted into a wry, humorless grin. "Don't you hate it when you're reading a story and the answer's so obvious you want to yell at the characters to do this or that or whatever and they just don't?" I glanced at the ceiling. "Well, relative fictionality notwithstanding, maybe the audience can start yelling at me."
"Well... I..." She seemed a bit nervous at my words, but pressed on. "You've helped me a lot Pinkie. You too Reid. So... I don't mind."
"...Like I said, I never dated. So I don't know. And if... if it isn't what I think it is..." I lowered my head. "If it isn't what I think it is, and I hurt you, I don't think I could see you again. Not without losing my element."
A sigh escaped my lips.
"...I just need to figure this out. Later. For now, it's time to be seriously silly."
I kicked the door open, a bright smile hiding what was really running through my head. "Hey there Jackie! I want to catch a few hundred extra channels. Got any tin foil?"
"Uh--" Jacqueline gave me a confused look. "Yeah, I have Tin foil, but... I don't think that would work--"
"Yeah that's cause you're human," I explained dismissively. "If you're a pony or a time lord it works fine. Right Shy?"
Erishy had snuck into the corner of the room, working on one of the costumes in order to distract herself from... well, what I let slip. Still, she spared me a smile. "Yeah, some tin foil and the magic of friendship."
The cosplayer raised an eyebrow. "I... seriously doubt it works like that."
"And that's exactly why you aren't me."
"...what?"
I rolled my eyes. "Okay, this is like the parasprites. I need a tin foil hat, preferably with antenna. I don't care about quality, but I need it in the next... oh... ten, twenty minutes?"
"...what?"
"I would recommend just trusting her this time," Erishy stated.
"...Alright, but I want an explanation." Jackie began folding me a metal head adornment. "A real one."
"What do you mean? I said I wanted--"
"Yeah," she cut me off, "I've been traveling with you for a while Reid, and your randomness is the kind without a point. When things have a point you aren't random."
"It's a theory Jackie... One that needs to be tested before it is explained." The pegasus gave the cosplayer a soft look. "If we explain it now... It'd be bad. Tomorrow okay?" Her voice was almost heartbreaking in its gentle desperation...
"Very well, darling. Here is your... hat."
Jackie handed me a convenient distraction, leting me tear myself away from the urge to go over and comfort my vocal sister. "Thank you. Really". I placed the hat on my head, cocking it at a slight angle and giving the two of them a confident grin. "And now... TO NAP!"
"I hope it works!" Erishy called after me with with a giggle.
***
One of the benefits of being Pinkie Pie is not getting tired. Sleep is a simple on-off switch. So when I snuggled down into my bed wearing that ridiculous metal hat and shut my eyes, I was instantly transported to a rolling felt landscape above which the floating and far more realistic chunks of my own multiverse of stories drifted like clouds.
"Okay.... we're asleep." To my right, a pink felt pony gave me a curious glance. "What now?"
"I dunno, look for something different?"
"Like what?"
My mind poured over the usual tropes of the situation. "A hole in the universe? You think in felt. What's felt usually attached to?"
"Cardboard, I think."
"Then look for cardboard!"
The two of us began poking around the landscape, searching for loose fabric. It took us a while to realize that the dream was, in fact, growing darker; the various object in the sky gathered like a stormcloud, blocking light from the suns and stars I used to flit about so casually. Once we did notice, we realized the light was closing on a felt representation of Sugarcube Corner, growing brighter even as it grew smaller. A quick search revealed a peeling fabric near the base of the image.
"That was... convenient," I commented wryly.
"Lucid dreaming, we control the environment."
"Until we're not in our own head anymore." I clasped my hands together, steeling myself. "Well, shall we on?"
"Hold up! As the lady here I have to ask, are you seriously going out like that?"
"...Like what?"
"Like that!" The felt pony gestured at me. "Like, a big black spot and a pair of hands connected to a blue... bunch of... lightyline thread things!"
"...since apparently that's my self image, I'm going to say yes."
Pinkie grinned. "Alright just checking. ALLONS-Y!" She jumped into the patch of old cardboard without another thought.
"I always thought it was pronounced Allonsoy...." I commented, following her example.
The journey between minds was actually incredibly quick, almost instantaneous. One minute the land was made of felt and the next Pinkie was landing head-first on the tiles of a dark blue floor. I looked around the room, noticing some details; runic histories woven in glowing silver lines decorated the floor and walls, and high above us a great glass dome led to a view of a starry sky, in which the earth rested peaceably.
Of course, the thing that was most noticeable about the room were the two plush dolls that greeted us. One looked exactly like pinkie, aside from the stitches; the other, however, had a gloriously curly R sewn onto its forehead. Both of them floated up to us in an azure glow as Pinkie righted herself.
"Well, I can't just leave well enough alone can I?" squeaked the unaltered one, dead eyes focusing on me.
"Nay, verily we hath nothing better to do than bother the princess in her sole remaining refuge," its companion replied in a voice that sounded as though it should have come from Mister T, flanking us.
The unaltered doll spun around us slowly. "Well surely we can resolve or own pathetic quandaries without her aid, can we not?"
"Nay! We hath no other option but to invade her very mind, which has apparently not been violated enough already!"
Then, without warning, the two dolls were flung away. They dissolved into glimmering dust, flying up through the glass dome and swirling through the stars until they were lost to eternity. It was only then that we heard the deep breathing and turned to see the other occupant of the room.
Broken, crying, and small, Luna still glowered at us from her alcove in the wall.
Pinkie and I glanced at each other.
I was the one who stepped forward first. If... floating could really be called stepping. "Well... yeah, we're a little worried that you just vanished. Not going to lie there. But it's not because 'oh my gosh we need you what's going on.' It's more... 'is she hurt?'"
Pinkie took the time to wrap her forelegs around her... something I couldn't do, since I didn't have anything resembling arms. "Both of you... if you've fused, I know both of you have been through some horrible things. But we're here for you."
The alicorn pushed her away, bitterness in her voice. "I... Have been alone in my head for hours now, with Tara enchanted or whatever he did, I can't see what she is doing, or talk to her." She summoned another doll, this one human, and stared at it for a few seconds; her eyes suddenly shifted to slits and the doll burst into flames. "I am a prisoner in my own mind!"
Pinkie blinked at the outburst. "Ooooookay. That sounds like a super duper big problem."
I nodded, looking up at the floating Earth. "Well, assuming everything here is metaphor... maybe she's up there? Or down, I guess."
"It doesn't matter. Discord has won." She slumped to the ground. "He split Twilight in two."
Pinkie stared at her. "Wait... what?"
"Okay, hold on. In two?" I shook my head at the enormity of her statement. "How did he split her in two, she looked pretty... well, she looked whole, anyway, in the picture I saw." My hands clasped together. "Unless you mean he split her mind..."
Luna nodded. "Magic and mind were split he said, meaning even if you get to Isaac, the element might not appear." Her head drooped, resting on the tile floor dejectedly.
"Excuse me for being so... well, blunt, but quite frankly I don't see how stealing her magic would hurt her mind."
Pinkie gave me a nervous smile. "Reid, maybe you could be a little nicer to Luna--"
"Nonono, I'm genuinely curious. How is a unicorn's magic related to their mental stability?" I began to pace around the room. "I can understand how it would make her feel crippled, but the element of magic... it's a mental state, right?"
"Yes, but Isaac is not the mind, just the magic. So he may not be able to gain the element. You would have to find the other half and we have heard nothing of a second Twilight." Luna rose, looking through the skylight to the world. "Maybe you are right and she is simply not on the moon..."
I steepled my fingers. "So what you're saying is... Discord's hidden a piece."
Pinkie gave me a strange look. "What?"
"That's what this is to him. A game. Maybe not exactly but that's how I think when I think how he thinks." I began to pace around the area, tapping my fingers. "Discord's hidden a piece and if we don't find it we lose... which makes the Twilight we know, effectively, worthless to him."
"Hey! No Twilight is worthless!"
"No, I didn't mean it like that. I meant..."
If I had a mouth I would have grinned.
"Ah. So, Dissy, if Isaac is so worthless to you, then why is he in the hospital?"
Luna's eyes snapped to me in shock. "In the hospital? What happened?"
"He got shot," I waved a hand. "Not good, but he's alive. Question is... why'd he get shot?"
"PAPA attacked Fluttershy," Pinkie pointed out.
"With knives, and she was isolated. I'm pretty sure somebody was guarding Isaac, and sneaking a gun past security is a lot harder then it looks in the movies. Especially if they have magic, since magic is a total unknown... that gunman had to have had help."
The party pony had been in my head long enough to see where I was going. "But if Discord helped him... then he's still playing the game."
"Exactly. You don't try to eliminate a piece that isn't a threat. Dissy's still worried that Isaac could be used against him. He doesn't think he's won yet... which means he hasn't."
Luna started looking a bit more hopeful, nodding as I explained it. "So... So if I can get out of here, and talk with Tara, we might still have a chance."
I put a hand on her shoulder. "We always have a chance."
"Yep yep yep! I learned that long ago. See I'd just left the rock farm and I was making my way in Las Pegasus when I met up with this minotaur--"
"Pinkie? Focus."
"But it's an awesome story!"
"I'm sure it is, but right now we need to figure out how to find Tara."
"Well why doesn't Luna just fly up to that representation of Earth?"
I was about to answer... when I realized it was an excellent question.
Luna realized we were both looking at her and shrugged. Waving a hoof and making the skylight vanish, she floated up and through it, bringing us with her. The small round building was the only feature on the grey moon; a gazebo much bigger on the inside then it was outside.
"This is what it really looks like, you know." She said, her eyes distant as she looked around the craters and dunes.
I took in the grey sand, the craters, the mountains... "You mean, this is what Equestria's moon looks like. I think... Earth's looks a little different. No offense."
Pinkie gave me a flat look.
"...it is very beautiful, though, I backpedaled hastily. "Don't get me wrong. It feels... valiant."
The princess of the night did not reply. She simply stared out at the landscape for a moment longer.
Then, suddenly, we were all flung upwards with her magic, escaping the small gravity of the moon and shooting towards earth at a blistering speed.
The stars whirled about us in a wild dance. Pinkie, of course, laughed as the whole of reality spun. I merely watched as the moon grew more and more distant, wondering if I'd ever get to visit it outside of my dreams.
With the smack of rock hitting water, Luna's shield impacted the atmosphere, hard enough to send a shock wave out from it. The alicorn didn't even flinch. Flame surrounded us as we started to streak down towards the ocean below.
"You know," I mused, "for a metaphorical world this seems to follow the laws of physics very strictly."
"I know!" Pinkie cried. "It's like she's not even sleeping!"
"I have had a great many years to devote to science." Luna explained simply. "But I may be less dramatic if you prefer." The fire faded, leaving us simply flying in a pale blue bubble towards California.
"Oh, I wasn't complaining," I explained. "I was observing. My dreams... and Pinkie's too, they tend to be a little more... fluid then the real world. Actually, are you sleeping?"
"I have been unable to awake since Tara took over, I do not know if she is asleep or awake right now."
"Ah... have you spoken with her at all?"
"I have not been able to, after Discord had his way with us." Luna alighted at last on an empty street, the bubble of force around us shimmering away. "Before that we had even begun to merge slightly."
I began to wander down the network of roads, looking in the various windows for some sort of clue. Not a single person, human or pony, could be seen in the houses... though there were accouterments, here and there, that suggested they had been inhabited. One home in particular caught my eye; the mantle had a framed image of a pale grinning maniac, surrounded by roses and labeled Mister J.
"And what did Discord do?" Pinkie asked curiously.
Luna trotted along, confident in her step. "He convinced us there was no hope, then he told us to use the time we had left wisely. This sent Tara into a panic."
"Oh, then it's a good thing we came along," I quipped, falling in beside her. "We are the bearer of Hope."
"Laughter," Pinkie corrected.
"The exact name of our element is a point of some debate, yes." I glanced at the sky, mildly curious. "Um, perhaps it might be a bit late to ask but... Luna, you've had experience with dreams before. Is there some sort of time limit before we get pulled into out own head again... or have to leave, or whatever?"
"Time in a dream is one tenth of that outside, unless I force it to act otherwise." The night princess paused for a moment, examining a tree with balconies, before sighing and moving on. "If you just went to sleep you should have only been asleep for around 6 minutes."
"Wait...." I looked away from an old french-style house, all covered in vines. "Pinkie, you told me ponies had shorter dreams then humans!"
The party pony chuckled nervously. "Well... yeah, usually. But this is Luna's head so the rules are different, heh..."
"Pinkie? What are you not telling me?"
"Pinkie is not an average pony. Her dreams are different." Luna explained, giving me a mischievous wink.
"Aaaaaaand since we're timesharing and not fused our dreams are exponentially shorter." The party pony rubbed the back of her head, glancing to the top of a high end japanese bathhouse. "They.... should get longer as we go along."
I threw my hands up in a frustrated gesture. "So it's either short dreams or fused personality."
"Yep, pretty much. Could be worse, you could be fusing with Dashie." She gave me a grin. "You're not like her at all."
We turned a corner around a tilting, physics defying tower and discovered an amazingly normal looking house. Luna trotted up to the door, but stopped and flicked her ears forward nervously.
Finally, she stepped aside and gestured at it. "You first."
I thought about it, glancing down at my hands again. Given her interactions with ponies and my own... apparently not very human self image, Tara Strong might not react well to a sudden intrusion.
Still, I hadn't come all this way for nothing...
Suddenly overcome by a very silly urge, I flung the door open and marched inside. "I AM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE!"
Pinkie hopped in after me. "Ooo! Ooo! Can I be Christmas Present? I love presents!"
The room we entered was a fairly normal living room, family den, what have you... save for the massive screen, and the big red digital clock wired to the top of it. A smaller version of Luna. looking as though she had only just been purged of the Nightmare, had her eyes locked onto the images in front of her, swirling green and yellow as she swayed back and forth in gentle metronome. There were small differences between her and the version of Luna that had appeared in episode one; the roots of her mane and tail were blonde, and a ring had been slipped around her foreleg.
Luna, the real Luna, tried to come in after us, but retreated quickly when her coat began to fade into gray. "I cannot come in. His influence here is too strong." She looked to us, her eyes imploring that we help the hypnotized pony in front of us.
I nodded, examining the arrangement that had Tara so entranced. The clock blinked on and off, the number 0005 displayed on its face. Okay, so the clock was obviously a countdown, and the television... memories, if the metaphor was that obvious.
I crouched... well, okay, I lowered down next to the smaller Luna, peering at the screen. "Hey, Tara. Who's that there?" My hand pointed at a random person on the television.
She turned her head slightly to listen, her ear flicking towards me. "That is Craig," she mumbled, one hoof rubbing the ring round her fetlock. "He is my husband." Her voice was different then Luna's too... much higher in pitch.
"Well, as the ghost of Christmas future, I predict that he's going to get you something very sweet and personal come December."
Pinkie took up position on the other side of the young Luna. "And as the ghost of Christmas present, I think he's reassuring your kids that mommy will come home soon." She took a moment to lean behind Tara and give me a questioning look; clearly she wasn't sure if the woman had kids.
I shrugged helplessly, never having been one to research celebrities. We were basically shooting in the dark.
Tara smiled, an unnaturally calm smile. "Oh, but mommy is home. A new home, my children and Craig will be safe, at the new home I have found." Luna stood at the door, moving from hoof to hoof anxiously as she glanced from her counterpart to us.
"Is she?" I glanced around the house. "I don't see the kiddos around here."
For a moment, the little alicorn's eyes seemed to focus as she looked at her surroundings. Then the TV changed to show Craig and two children, presumably hers, sitting at a table in an abandoned shack of some sort. On the screen, the form of the princess of the night reinforced the walls and roof with her magic, brightly chirping about how they were going to be safe and noone would take them away. Craig was keeping the two boys calm but they all looked scared.
Well.... that was certainly convenient.
"Very nice, quite snazzy." I gestured at the screen. "A little home for your little dolls, right?"
Tara began to rock back and forth again, that calm smile returning to her face. "Oh my family needs to be safe, they will be safe here." Once more, Luna breached the boundaries of the home, only to retreat again when her limb dulled in color.
Suddenly she gasped, pointing at something none of us had noticed. "Pinkimena Diane Pie! Your legs!"
"Hmmm?" The party pony examined herself, finding the greyness slowly climbing up her body. "Oh, that's weird." She flicked her now dull hoof around, giving me an uncharacteristically panicked look. "Reid, um, you have any ideas?"
"Oh certainly." This called for some of my characteristically charming bluntness. "Tara? Listen to me very closely." I leaned down, looking into her swirling eyes. "The tighter you hug your children, the less air they have. If you want them to be safe... you have to let them choose their own safety. And if you want them to have that choice, you have to help us get rid of Discord."
The small alicorn's brow creased, and she finally turned away from the image on the screen. "But... Everything is going to end, I can't beat Discord, he is too powerful."
Luna took a deep breath, walking in despite her fear of the growing gray on her hide. "Damn this all to Tartarus... We can beat him, Tara. We can make sure that your children have a future." She stood between her counterpart and the television screen.
I nodded in agreement. "Yeah, that's pretty much the job of a parent. Giving them a future."
Pinkie stepped forward, her coat still graying unnaturally. "You've seen the episode, Tara. Heck, you voiced Twilight! Do you remember when Discord thought he won? He lazed about and let us walk right up to him."
"The way he was frozen in a dancing position kinda implies he did that the last time too," I added.
"Don't you see? Discord told you he won. He wouldn't do that. If he actually had won, he would just celebrate, but telling you he won... that's another move." Pinkie peered into the swirling vortex of Tara's eyes. "That's another way for him to make you lose, to steal your children's future from you."
That got through to her. She blinked, her eyes shifting to a more normal brown for a second. "What.... I...."
The TV sparked and fizzled as she shook her head. Luna stepped forward, trying to support her, but she stumbled; the gray color was even now crawling up her neck. Her pleading eyes met the woman's confused ones. "Get us out of here."
"Tara," I implored, kneeling down. "You have the word Strong in your name. Be Strong for your children. Leave this room of despair. Please."
Pinkie nodded, glancing at her now desaturated body. "Yeah, I look terrible in greyscale."
The small alicorn shut her eyes, and I could see them moving under her eyelids. Then, suddenly, they snapped open. an intense fire in their sheen. Tara's horn glowed, grabbing the other two ponies as she galloped for the door; I managed, just barely, to grab Pinkie's tail as she passed, riding out of the house as the television exploded in flame.
We all stopped, panting, once we'd made it outside. Behind us the house groaned, turning gray before collapsing.
Eventually, Tara took one last deep breath and turned to Pinkie and me. "Thank you... Who are you?"
"I am the ghost of Christmas future because I'm creepy and have hands." I gestured toward Pinkie, noting that she was rapidly fading back to her usual colors. "She is the ghost of Christmas present because she's merry and has girth."
"Hey! Did you just call me fat?!"
"I've been in your body, Pinkie, you're more then a little chubby."
"Just because I'm a bit pudgy does NOT mean I'm overweight!"
"You know, a few centuries ago being big was considered attractive..."
The little alicorn giggled, before looking around at her surroundings. "Why are we on earth? If I am in Luna's mind, shouldn't we be on the moon?"
"Luna's mind is up there." Pinkie gestured up to the moon hanging above us. "This is your mind."
"And speaking of minds, we should probably be headed back to our own head soon." I glanced around, noticing lights going on in various windows. "Not that this isn't a fantastic place to visit, but... you know, two was crowded enough, and I don't think you want Pinkie and me cluttering up your head any more then it already is. Um. How do we get back?"
Ask and ye shall receive. Luna's horn lit up and, in a flash of light, we were back in the gazebo we had arrived in. The princess of the night sighed, placing a hoof on one of the tiled patterns. She stared at it for a while... a reflective stare. Then she walked over to the other alicorn, wrapping her in a comforting hug.
Pinkie walked over to the pair, a soft smile on her face. "You two are going to be alright... aren't you? When you wake up, I mean."
"As alright as we can be, Pinkie. The merge must start again, and we will have to struggle to regain the trust of Tara's family. Once this is taken care of, we will find you."
"...Find Lauren first," I suggested. "She's also missing... most likely because Dissy went after her."
"We'll work on finding the other elements," Pinkie promised. "If Reid here can keep his eyes off of Erishy."
"Pinkie! That's private!"
"We're actually traveling with Cadance and Shining," she added, ignoring my fuming. "Oh, and guess what? The Cakes and Chrysalis are together! They should be in New York soon!"
Luna released Tara and smiled. "That is very good, I will focus on locating my sister. Go now, You will be woken up soon."
"Right." I nodded once. "Well... good luck with the family. It might be best if you were honest with them... it's an element of harmony and all that--"
"Reid? Overthinking things again." Pinkie shoved me towards a cardboard panel in the corner, waving at the princesses. "See you later!" With that, she pushed me through the corrugated square, sending us both back to our own head.
Our return to the felt representation of Sugarcube Corner was a simple affair. Simply, we were there! Tada! No fanfare, no magic sparkles, no nothing. Well, except the cotton candy cloud dripping chocolate milk in the corner, trying to avoid being noticed despite not being felt at all.
That got both of our attention.
I gave the cloud a casual look, moving in front of Pinkie protectively. "Uh huh. Sure. Just try it, boyo. Just try it."
"Oh come now, I bring you a present and you don't even have any?" The voice of Q, professor Quadwrangle, and Discord all wrapped in one package vibrated from the cloud. "I'm offended, handyman."
"I never did like chocolate," I deadpanned. "Well, not that kind of chocolate. I liked chocolate chips, but not pure chocolate. I'm guessing asking for you to show yourself is out of the question?"
"This is your mind," the cloud explained calmly. "Well, hers really. I can't manifest a form without her permission. The cloud was already in here I just dug it up. Work with what you have, right?"
Pinkie gave the pink puff a glare of intense rage. "Why were you such a meanie pants to Tara?"
"Because it amused him," I answered simply. "Like whatever he's doing now is amusing him. What are you going to attack me with? My family? My cat? Erishy? My lack of identity?" I chuckled a bit. "My sad lack of Doctor Who watching?"
"No, not any of that." The cloud swirled, floating forward. "See Reid, there are a few things about me you know. I like to have fun, I don't play fair, but nevertheless I like playing games. I would like to point out to you that I have personally done nothing so far. I have lost pawns, I have tossed out a bishop or two, but my King and Queen have yet to show." It tilted forward, ever so slightly. "But nevertheless there are things about me you don't know, and those things are many. One big one is that I do have rules that I follow. After all, chaos isn't any fun without a dab of order."
"Shlik rennntri floren ka."
Even Pinkie was confused by that. "What?"
"Oh nothing, I'm sure Discord doesn't know what I mean."
The cloud was silent for a moment. "...No, no search results for it either. I wonder what game you are playing, Reid." In its contemplation the cloud began to freeze its rain, giving way to chocolate snowflakes. "I wonder what your rules are."
I would have grinned if I had lips. "So do I."
"You managed to retrieve Luna, regardless. Kudos to you on that. Celestia though, I doubt you will be so lucky. I wonder if she has power over daydreams?" The cloud gave an amused snort.
"Dissy, I'd like you to meet somebody." I had had enough of this silliness and decided to end it. "See, I wasn't always into ponies. Before that, I was in the WALL-E fandom. Wonderful movie, you understand. And I was part of... well, a founding member, actually, of the WALL-E forum role play."
"Reid, you don't need to do this." Pinkie gave me a pleading look. "You really don't."
"Of course, since this was an RP about robots, there was a lot of debate in the setting on whether robots were people, was it right to build them to serve, should a robot follow their directive, yadda yadda yadda." I clasped my hands together. "Things got increasingly... epic. I mean that in the literary sense."
Discord sighed. "If I could fall asleep I would. Get to the point handyman."
"There was a ship in the setting. A ship that was half destroyed, populated by genetic abominations, malfunctioning robots, and eldritch monstrosities. And the presumed captain of that ship, a former Fencing Robotic Opponent, was the one who had pretty much singlehandedly caused all of that."
Pinkie hid behind me as I gestured toward the metal woman prowling up behind the cloud. "Discord, meet Inferno Optic, Netcop of the Bong."
The pink puff did not seem frightened at all. "Hello whatsit of the whoosit. I am Discord, of the not-drug-perephanelia. Wonderful to meet you. Are you supposed to hurt me somehow? As a mental image there is very little that could do that. Or... Oh no, don't hurt the cloud!" The dramatic wail was a bit over the top in my opinion, and definitely sarcastic.
"Why would I want to hurt the cloud?" Inferno looked down on the cotton candy, stroking it with her long claws. "It's singing! What a lovely song, about pancakes and blood and cute little kitties!" She giggled, covering the painted smile on her face with her other hand. "Naughty naughty kittens, don't go into the armory! That's where the walrus lives."
"Here's the fun bit," I explained. "She knows she's insane. Once, she found a baby wandering the ship, so she cut off its limbs and decapitated it, just so it wouldn't have to grow up in the madhouse she made. She still keeps the bones in a drawer, you know. Compared to her?" I leaned forward. "You're child's play."
"That's the point. I have rules. I am not evil, I am not insane, I am Discord. I do not kill when it can be helped and I do not hurt children. I have class, thank you very much. Her?" The cloud wrapped a pink tendril around the robot's leg, lifting her into the air. "She is simple to deal with. Evil is wont to be destroyed. I am so much more complex. I strive to be unpredictable not to win, but to succeed. My goal is the breaking of the bonds of friendship." Inferno's head hit the ground with a metallic clang.
"So you say... And yet, for all your complexity, you are surprisingly simple. You are Discord. End of story." I shrugged. "You're not even the first Discord I've met.
"Well, regardless, I am not leaving. I now have a foothold in pinkies mind, and until you finish the merge, you cannot confront me directly. How do you feel about a grey mane and tail?" The sound of snapping talons echoed throughout our dreamscape. "Never mind, I'm sure you'll love it."
"Dissy? A wise man once said rules exist so that you think before you break them..." I put a comforting hand on the pony behind me. "And you know neither I nor Pinkie thinks normally."
***
A loud shout snapped me awake, the dream collapsing without warning. I found myself looking into the eyes of Erishy... and slowly realized she had wrapped her forelegs around me tightly.
"I don't like pink. Well, I don't hate it, but everything being pink like this is just... ugh."
"Yeeeeah, it's a little extravagant." The other occupant of the room coughed, examining the lacey awning over her bed, the curly border of the full-length mirror in front of the modeling dais, the elegant bookshelf loaded with tomes both practical and whimsical... "Auntie always spoiled me, even when I asked her to stop."
I rolled my eyes, turning to her. "So let me guess, you're here to tell me something about myself that I don't know?"
"Yes, that's how these things would progress normally." She stretched, unfolding her wings as she stepped off her thick sheets. "But here's the thing: you know a lot about yourself. Maybe too much. And quite frankly, I don't think that's what we need to talk about right now."
I matched her glare with a glower. "This is about Julien, isn't it."
"No. Yes." She shook her head and grumbled. "Both of them. This is about BOTH of them."
"Look, I don't like men that try to take advantage of my distress!"
"He wasn't taking advantage of anything, and you KNOW it." The pink princess strode forward, her eyes locked onto mine. "He'd just heard his sister was SHOT!"
"YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT FEELS?!"
Cadance took a step back. "...excuse me?"
"Oh don't play oblivious with me, little miss hostage! You've been in my head all day, you know about Irene!"
The pony gave me a cold look. "And you know about Twilight. How is this different?"
"I..." I threw my arms wide. "The guy was looking at me!"
She simply stared at me, disapproving.
I sat down on the edge of the soft bed, rubbing my temples. "I don't like guys looking at me. I can deal with them when they're people, but when they... When they start looking, it's just wrong."
"You're the one that asked him on a date."
"I thought the world was going insane. I thought Discord had won and decided to try it out." I gave her a sullen look. "I thought maybe you two deserved to have your last moments together, okay? I was being nice."
The pony sat down next to me, putting a gentle wing around my shoulders. "That still doesn't excuse your behavior this evening. Especially after we... heard about..." She began to tear up.
Suddenly I didn't feel as confident as I had.
"....What do you want me to say? I'm sorry?" I sighed. "Fine. I'm sorry for being a bitch."
"...Give him a chance, Linda." Her teary eyes turned to me. "I know you don't... you can't get over your fears. They're... legitimate. But I promise you, he is nothing like that. Just give him a chance."
I couldn't hold her gaze. I let my own drop to the floor. Give him a chance.... said to me so many times by my well-meaning friends, and never ending in anything but pain. Every man I'd dated, really dated.... they didn't understand. They just didn't ever understand. I never wanted a relationship. I never wanted to end up tied down to one person like that. It was... disgusting.
"It''s not being tied down. It's supporting each other."
I glowered at her. "Don't read my mind."
She gave me a sly smirk. "I'm stuck in here while you're running about the real world. What else am I supposed to do?"
"SOMETHING that ISN'T reading my MIND!"
"Any suggestions?"
I tried to come up with something, but in the end I had to concede the point. "Fine.... but if we're talking, can you not read my mind?"
The pony nodded. "Deal. Just so long as you apologize to Shining."
"Julien."
"...Julien Armor, maybe?"
I shrugged. "Sure."
"....you know where he took me on my first date?"
Oh, please, not nostalgia. "Oh I dunno.... fancyshmancy cafe with frills and lace and waiters that dressed in high class tuxedos?"
"Joe's Donut Shop."
"...what."
The pink princess smiled, leaning back as her memories wandered. "Every other suitor I had--and believe me, I had had a heck of a lot--they always tried to impress me. They took me to the biggest, richest, most flamboyant restaurants in Canterlot and a few of them even managed to pay for the meal without my help. A very few. And then along came this Corporal, barely more then a shave-tail, and he bumps into me and knocks off my tiara by accident. I love my tiaras, and at that time I was something of a spoiled brat, so I chewed him out. He's nervous as they come, wants to make a good impression, so he blurts out an offer to treat me to lunch." She giggled. "And I said yes. Don't think he was expecting that. Next thing I know, I'm in a commoner shop eating commoner food and finding that it's actually really dang good."
Her gaze grew distant. "The strangest thing... he didn't try to impress me. Not, well, not in the same way as the others. Yes, he mentioned his accomplishments, but he downplayed them. And.... actually, he did something none of the others had. He tried to understand me."
I stared at her in stunned silence.
Eventually, she shrugged. "Of course, then he mentioned he had a little sister, and one thing led to another and suddenly I'm the world's number one foal-sitter! I think I started wearing my mane back then, so I could feel more... normal. And, yeah, that's how we got together."
"...that just doesn't happen. Men just aren't like that, not naturally." I shook my head. "He was in the military, of course he pretended to care."
"Linda... it wasn't pretend."
I looked around the room. "So, um, why is this happening in your bedroom? I mean, I thought this was supposed to be a combination of our minds."
The princess had the decency to look embarrassed... and the arrogance to look a bit scared. "Um... I, uh, I kinda put most of your mind in there." She gestured toward a wardrobe... a locked wardrobe, I might add, with a ribbon tied hastily around the handles. "I couldn't.... I didn't want to look in there for longer then I needed to."
"Oh is that supposed to mean something?! Am I some sort of scary abomination?"
"....there was so much hurt...."
I growled at her. "It's my mind. Deal with it." And with that, I flung open the wardrobe doors.
Sometimes I remember that moment. Sometimes I remember staring at my own soul, laid bare. Sometimes I remember feeling all my fears burst through me at once.
I shut the wardrobe, gasping. "That.... that can't be right. I'm strong! That can't be right!"
Cadance sighed. "I'm sorry, but... that's you."
****
My eyes snapped open, breath hitched. I didn't sit up suddenly, I'm not that kind of woman, but I did glance around the room to make sure it wasn't occupied by any strange figures.
It took me a moment to realize I was biting into my own pillow.
Erishy brought a hoof to her muzzle, rubbing sleep and tears out of her eyes. "H... Hey..."
After a moment, she realized what and who she was gripping and withdrew her hooves. I took the time to realize, thankfully, that I was still fully clothed--future reference, sleeping on a pocket of pencils will give you the STRANGEST pain in the flank possible--and speculated that the situation was not as I had first assumed it was.
Which still left the question of what the situation actually was...
"...soooooo, don't take this the wrong way, but..." I nonchalantly glanced at the ceiling. "...do you remember us sharing a bed?"
"No, I'm sorry, I didn't...."
That was about as far as she got before she started sobbing silently, unable to look me in the eye.
"Heyheyhey..." I wrapped my forelegs around her in a reassuring gesture. "I, I'm sure nothing happened, okay? This is... this is the element of Laughter, having a little prank at our expense, you know, we panic for a bit and then it all turns out to be completely innocent." My hooves ran through her soft mane in what I hoped was a comforting motion. "I didn't mean to implicate you, I'm sorry."
"It's not that Reid...." The pegasus couldn't keep from sobbing between her words. "I had... I had a terrible nightmare... You were dead Reid, and it was all my fault."
Oh.
"...I had a dream like that once," I finally admitted. "A cat was... basically falling apart in my hands, no matter how hard I tried to stuff the organs back in. There wasn't any blood, and the cat actually seemed kinda calm. It was more sad than scary, really..."
My gaze drifted back to her as I focused my mind. "Everypony--and human, heh, has dreams like that. The dreams don't make you a monster."
"Nightmare whisper was there..." she whimpered. "And the grey me... And they just wouldn't go away..." Her mossgreen eyes finally met mine. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't... Shouldn't be dumping this on you...."
"You know, I have to disagree with you there. You want to know why?"
"...why..."
I smirked ever so slightly. "When I was a little filly and the sun was going doooooooooooooooooown...."
That was enough to get a small smile, although she tried to hide it behind her hoof. "Pinkie.... The others are sleeping still...."
Master of pitch that I was, I kept my song quiet. "The darkness and the shadows, they would always make me frooooooooooooooooooown..."
"Pinkieee...." Erishy giggled. "The others are gonna think things..."
That got my attention. "Wait, are you serious? I mean do we want them to think things like that when I'm not even sure and--and, um, just a moment--"
In my semi-panicked state, I reasoned it might be better to hold this discussion when we were out of the bed, so I decided to roll to the side... and, in defiance of several physical laws, ended up cocooned in blankets and sheets and hanging a few inches from the ground.
"I was lying, I just didn't want you to wake them up." The yellow pony fluttered over, working on untangling me from my self mad prison. Unfortunately it was extremely complicated and the laws of physics, raging at my blatant violations, decided to impose their vengeance upon us both.
When all was said and done, we looked at each other with a bit of a blush on our faces.
"Um..." Erishy ventured, her face framed by the ceiling.
"...well," I replied, aware of the carpet brushing my neck.
Then an unusual thought hit me.
"This is awkward," I quipped with a smile. "I've been pinned by a naked woman."
Erishy flapped back with a gasp. "I'm not naked! I've got fur!" Her blush deepened as she crossed her forelegs and tried to glower at me; the end result, however, made her look like a sterotypical adorable anime character.
"Well, so do humans," I point out as I rolled to my hooves. "And it's not fur, it's hide. Technical detail, I know, but I like to quibble on those things."
Without any warning she was in my face, frantically examining me and my tinfoil hat. "What happened?! Reid, are you okay?"
"What do you mean?! Is there a mysterious marking on my face in an eldritch script?! Are my eyes bleeding GATORADE?!" I began to hyperventilate. "I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE PANICKING!"
Erishy backed off, flinching. "You... You have grey in your hair... I thought..."
"Oh?" I took a moment to bring a strand of my mane in front of my eyes. There was indeed a streak of grey running through it. "Oh huh. Weird. And it's still straight." Confident that I knew what was happening, I gave the pegasus a reassuring smile. "That's just Dissy trying to get my goat, a little parting gift after I talked to Tara and Luna. Don't worry about it, totally under control."
"Are you sure...?" She looked around the room, awkwardly trying to frame a reply. "I mean... I could give you a hug if it’d help..."
"If anything, I think it's a measure of me winning if the villain has to resort to dying my mane."
"Wait wait, you did it?!" The pegasus grinned, belatedly realizing what I had said. "You talked to Luna? What happened?"
"....seriously, how do you get your dimples to squeak like that?"
"It's not my dimples, say 'weee' then try doing it without opening your mouth. It's that but higher pitched and while smiling." She rolled her eyes at my randomousity. "BUT YOU TALKED TO LUNA! This is great news!"
"No, I swear whenever you smile like that, your dimples squeak." I shook my head; that mystery could wait for a bit. "Anyway, to business: Luna is going after Celestia after she... helps Tara calm down her family. Long story. Also, apparently that's not Twilight in the hospital... exactly... Well, it's Twilight's MAGIC but not her MIND. Dissy did something while she was coming through so we still have to find Twilight. And also, I'm starving. Does this hotel serve pancakes?"
Erishy pondered my words. "...Before pancakes, we need to get Shining and Cadance. They were... Very upset last night."
"Let's not, it would be awkward to walk in on sympathy sex. I can NOT believe I just said that."
"No... No, it's worse than that. I'd be surprised if they even stayed in the same room."
"...angry sex?" I suggested. "Brain, stop thinking about sex. Where is this even coming from?!" Honestly, the thoughts running through my head didn't feel felt or anything like my usual mindscape, more like...
"I don't know, but they were so angry at each other they wouldn't even speak."
That snapped my contemplation. "Oh."
After a moment I added, "Wow."
I tried to articulate a suggestion. "Okay, um..." It took me a moment to consider the possibilities. "I... don't think I'm qualified to handle that situation. Can I just back out like a coward and wake everybody else up?"
"I don't wanna deal with it either," Erishy admitted. "Let's go wake them all up then they can help deal with it."
"That's a good plan. I like that plan. I am proud to be a part of that plan."
We walked into the costume room, checking up on Jackie... who was laying on the ground like a log. Around her, posed on mannequins that she apparently had carved out of styrofoam, the costumes we had requested demonstrated her capability.
"...I vote we let her sleep," I quickly said.
"I agree. Ginny then?"
"Mmmmmyep. You get Ginny, I'll get Ian."
We split up, each of us heading down the hall in opposite directions. I opened the room where Ian and Harold were slumbering, noting Harold's almost mortuary-like sleeping pose... but Ian seemed to be missing. Of course, being the responsible older brother that I am, I decided to investigate for clues. My search quickly revealed a small lump under the blankets. With utmost caution, I pulled them back.
Apple Bloom twitched at the cool contact of the air.
For a moment, the morning fresco was silent. My breath was slow as I let myself realize what this meant. I reached out a hoof, just to make sure this was a living pony and not an extremely realistic plushie. The filly grumbled a little in her sleep.
Then I just couldn't help myself.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Grabbing the little pony between my forehooves, I rushed out the door, down the hall, into another door, and shoved her into Erishy's face. "LOOKIT!" I may or may not have been grinning like a maniac.
"Are the other two here?! Hide the women and children!" The pegasus flinched back... before shaking her head. "Wait, no, that was back in Equestria. So who is she really?"
"Oh man oh man, AJ is going to FLIP!" I punctuated my comment by tossing the disoriented filly into the air and catching her with a smirk. "Hahaha! We're semi-half sisters now!"
"REID! PUT ME DOWN!"
That cry snapped me back to my senses. "Right, sorry, I couldn't help myself." Very gently, I lowered Ian to the ground and began to take deep breaths; no need to get excited over every little thing. "Calm. I'm calm now."
The filly shook her (his?) head. "Glad that's over--"
"OHMYGOSHYOUAREADORABLE!"
Ginny, ever the hugger, wrapped him (her? Wow, this is confusing) in a tight hug.
"Be careful," Erishy advised us. "I had to replace three tables, four chairs, a hammer, and a window after they stayed one night. Dangerous yet adorable."
"Like cats!" I quipped brightly.
Ian was slowly turning blue. "Can't... breathe..."
Ginny gasped. "OHMYGOSH I'M SO SORRY!" She dropped my brother (sister?) onto the bed, holding up her hands in an apologetic gesture.
"That's alright, Ah'm fine." The filly rubbed his neck... before bringing a hoof to his throat. "Wait. Why am Ah talken' like this?"
"Well you didn't think Erica talked like Fluttershy before, did you?" Erishy gave him a sly smirk.
"Ah... guess not?" Ian took his first real look at the pegasus. "Hold on, yer big. Bigger then me, Ah mean... am Ah some sorta midget?"
"Ah..." I held up a hoof. "You... don't know who you got?"
The filly affixed me with a deadpan look. "Let's see, Ah wake up when mah brother turned pony suddenly pounces on me and rushes me through tha hall. Ah get flung around a bit, find out Ah have a lousy acksent, and Ah haven't even looked in a mirror yet. So, no, Ah don't know who... Ah..."
Realization crept onto his face, and he sat down in dejection. "Ah'm that moepony, ain't Ah."
"Mmmmmyep."
"Moepony?" Erishy looked between us in confusion. "You are Apple Bloom."
"A.K.A. Moe pony," I explained.
"So not only am Ah a girl," Ian groaned, "Ah'm a little girl."
"Yeah, pretty much," I confirmed. That would definitely be a hamper on his life. Losing hands, manhood, and adulthood all at once could have huge consequences.... "Oh skreep, you can't drive anymore!"
"Ya think?"
Erishy, of course, picked him up and hugged him much more gently then Ginny ever had. "It'll all be okay, don't worry. We still have Harold, Ginny, and I can drive my car."
Well, that last point was debatable...
Ian rolled her eyes. "Is everyone goen' ta hug me now?"
"I feel your pain," I admitted sympathetically. "The emasucaltion of switching genders and suddenly being cute. To be fair, though, Apple Bloom does some pretty intense stuff, so after the first hug people should treat you normally."
"...um." Ginny raised an awkward hand. "Not to interrupt, but... why are we all still in my bedroom?"
Yeah, that was a good question. Why were we all still in the bedroom of a girl who wore my face on her PJs?
"It smells nice in here," I offered lamely, sniffing the air. "Is that... persimmon?"
"Aheh heh..." Ginny rubbed the back of her head. "Yes..."
Erishy released my brother, turning to the cosplayer. "I came in to wake you up. Pinkie has news." She gave me a triumphant smirk, clearly pleased at her diversion.
"News... which I shall inform you of.... OVER PANCAKES."
Ginny nodded at my proposal. "That sounds all right."
"You get to wake up Julien and Linda."
She was immediately incensed. "What the fuck man?!" What had happened last night, I'll never know.
"Language!" I admonished sternly. "There are fillies present!"
"Yer gonna milk this fer all it's worth, aintcha." My brother glowered at me. "Ah'm twenty years old!"
"That reminds me, we need to get you a booster seat!" I announced with a smirk that could terrify the Cheshire cat.
Ginny snorted at my antics, but shook her head as she headed for the Royal Suite. Us ponies decided to head downstairs to the hotel cafeteria.
Erishy tapped her hoof, considering something. "Wait so my average between Shy and Erica is 20, so what does that make you Reid?"
It took me a few seconds to realize she was talking about age. "Let's see, twenty two and seventeen..." I grinned confidently. "Four hundred and sixty three."
"Nineteen an' a half," Ian corrected sardonically.
"Right, forgot to carry the five." I couldn't help but giggle at my own joke, turning around to wink at my brother. That's how I noticed he had tripped over his own hooves, faceplanting into the carpet. I trotted to him, picking him up and placing him on my back. "We'll work on walking later. For the bathroom, though, you're on your own."
"Aw, don't be mean to poor Apple Bloom," Erishy scolded me. From the way she giggled afterward, though, I surmised she wasn't too serious in her admonishment.
"I'm giving her a ride, how is that mean?"
"Ah get that this is funny ta ya," the filly reminded us, "but Ah just woke up like this. Can ya'll at least keep treating me like Ian?"
I took a breath, ashamed at how lightly I had been treating his situation. He had it worse off then I did, in a lot of ways. "...My apologies. It's just been a stressful few days and... well, I take the funnies where I can." I should not have been so flippant and eager, I'd read enough internet fiction to realize that and were those PANCAKES?! "OH YES PANCAKES."
Erishy was busy saying something to Ian, but I didn't care anymore. PANCAKES. Sweet, glorious, golden pancakes. And since I was Pinkie Pie, I could totally get away with taking this huge stack of pancakes over to the table. The pegasus got breakfast for herself and helped Ian, who was now too short to reach the counter; they walked over to join me for a wonderful breakfast.
Said wonderful breakfast was suddenly interrupted when Jackie, having woken up and put on DE MAJICKS, grabbed the filly out of his seat and ran him up the stairs before he could take a single bite.
"...I would be more worried about this if I didn't know Jackie," I admitted.
"Um..." The gray mare blushed. "You, um... you can call me Inkie...
The soldier nodded gratefully and gave her a smile. "Very well then. Thank you miss Inkie." He levitated his soup bowl off the table, walking away through the collection of tents surrounding the small farmhouse. A communal table had been hastily set up in the middle of the caravan, around which various ponies gathered with their own dishes. An air of worry permeated the camp, as the ponies glanced out beyond the grey fields of stone and rock.
Clyde walked up to the soldier just as he took his seat. "So. It appears my eldest has taken an interest in you."
The unicorn shook his head. "I assure you I have no intentions toward your daughter. I've seen a number of fillies crush on soldiers in my time."
"You know, before this whole disappearance mess, I didn't regularly allow stallions on the farm." The earth pony sat down next to the soldier and shrugged. "Of course, back then I was a bit overprotective of them all. Thought anypony from off the farm was going to try to lead them down a path of lecherous trysts. Even after my youngest got me loosened up..." He sighed.
"I... can't claim to know anything about parenting, sir."
"Hmm." Clyde nodded. "Well." They sat together in silence for a moment.
Eventually, the soldier winced. "I don't know what it is, but ever since I got here I feel a bit... queasy."
"My apologies. All unicorns feel off hereabouts."
"...I'm sorry?"
Clyde turned to his companion, raising a brow. "Son, what do you know about rock farming?"
"To be honest, sir, I don't know much at all." The soldier shrugged. "I just know that... you farm rocks. Somehow."
The earth pony sighed, rubbing his brow. "Right... from the top then. I hope you know what leylines are, at least."
"Yes sir. They covered thaumic currents in magic kindergarten."
"The problem with leylines is that the bigger they are, the faster they move. Almost no magic naturally sinks into the surrounding environment; it's all pulled down and manipulated." Clyde pointed out across the tents to a row of tall spires. "That's why we set up those lodestones."
"I'm... afraid I don't understand."
"A leyline hits those lodestones, and it is... slowed, splattered, splashed." The earth pony swept his hoof in a wide circle. "The entire farm is fenced in, so we can make the most of leyline shifts. We put rocks with small veins of ore in the fallout, and the magic seeps in; a few weeks later, those small veins have swollen to encompass a good part of the rock. What you're feeling, son, is the same thing a fish feels when it's moved from a fast moving river to a still pond for the first time."
It took a moment for the soldier to process the farmer's words. "...that's why the celestial council ordered us here, isn't it? The lodestones are breaking apart the spellform that's stealing ponies."
"Stealing..." Clyde nodded, staring out across the fence. "That's a good way to put it."
The soldier examined him carefully. "...you've lost somepony, haven't you."
"Aye. My youngest..."
"I'm sorry. I'm sure wherever the Element Bearers and the Princesses are, they're looking for a way back."
Clyde snorted. "My youngest is an element bearer."
"Wait... really?" The soldier went over the list of the famous mares in his head. "You... you're Pinkie Pie's father?"
"Aye. Little Pinkimena..." A nostalgic smile formed on the farmer's face. "Do you know, we didn't even know she was coming until two months before the delivery? When she first opened her eyes... she was so small. My wife and I used to joke she had to will herself into existence. That's why we named her Pinkimena Diane; it means 'strong Pink hunter of birth' in an older tongue."
"Certainly sounds like something the bearer of laughter would do. Will herself into existence."
"Hmmm." Clyde nodded.
The two sat there for a few minutes longer, listening to the bustle of the refugees around them. If they could have, they would have reassured those around them that their lost friends and family would return safe and sound. For now, all they could do was watch as Clyde's two remaining daughters went hither and thither at the command of their mother, ensuring that all the worrying ponies were comfortable during their stay.
"...you must be proud of her."
"Any father is proud of their child. But..." The farmer shook his head. "The things she gets into these days. Dragons, and changelings... Nightmare Moon and Discord... I can't help but wonder. I can't help but worry that one day she's going to be caught up in something she can't handle..."
"Sir, I have full faith that your daughter will return to you alive and unharmed. In fact, I suspect she'll return to you with a loud and happy song, dragging a party down from Canterlot just so she can see you smile." The soldier looked out beyond the lodestones. "I bet she's thinking about you right now."
"Nay, son. My daughter's thoughts are far too random to be predicted like that." Clyde gave his companion a pat on the shoulder. "But I don't doubt she thinks of me at least five times a day."
After a few minutes of ravenously devouring the golden discs of wonder, I noticed that a certain stallion had slipped into a dark gloomy corner with a banana. Erishy had apparently caught sight of him too, watching him with that sort of intense look one usually reserved for people gripping the edge of the railing and looking into the river but not actually climbing up just yet.
Linda stepped down the stairs, a haggard expression on her face. She caught sight of the pathetic creature in the corner and, for a moment, simply stared at him.
And then her head simply fell.
I watched her mechanically snag a red apple from the breakfast bar as she cautiously approached the somber table. She took time sitting down, as though she was prepared for the worst.
"...listen. About, um, yesterday..."
Julien sighed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to call you that, I'm dealing with...." He tapped the side of his head meaningfully, not lifting his gaze to look at the mare across from him.
"...I, um, kinda lied a bit," Linda admitted, rubbing the back of her head. "See... I said, um, we both wanted you to... ya know... that, uh, that was just me." She glanced away, a faint blush on her cheeks as her eyes roved over the carpet. "Cadance just wanted a hug... and... yeah. I was being a bitch."
"See?" I gave Erishy a nudge, gesturing at the couple. "They're doing all right." Whatever happened last night was, in fact, repairable. The pegasus couldn't help letting out a quiet but happy coo at the heartwarming scene.
If it had been louder it would have been a full on d'awww but, well, Erishy.
"Do you..." Julien leaned forward, lifting his eyes uncertainly. "...Still want a hug?"
Linda faltered. "...Actually, I just wanted to make sure, you know, Cadance and Shining weren't... breaking up because of me..." She tried to find a good change of subject. "...um. Soooooo. You... were going to take me out on a date today, right?"
"Right after trick or treating," I reminded her, suddenly being between the pair of them. "I believe that was the plan! Cause we're totally still doing that."
Yeah, that was a bit of a weird sensation. First I was THERE and then I was HERE. I thiiiiiink I back flipped into the new position, but to this day I'm not... sure.
"What? Where did you come f--?!" The pink pony princess shook her head. "No. Never mind, I've heard that joke too often. Ugh."
"No, of course not," Julien reassured her. "No argument could do that. And yes, I figure after trick or treating and getting to the next town, we can sneak off to go on a date."
"And then make up sex!" I quipped thoughtlessly.
"WHAT?!"
I cringed at Linda's expression, realizing exactly what I had said. "...you know what, I'm going to blame Discord for that." My hoof went to the gray streak in my mane. "Ever since I woke up, I had this and a strange obsession with sex. Strange for me, anyway. And since Dissy is responsible for the streak, I'm blaming him for that too. Excuse me, pancakes." With that, I slunk back to my plate, burrowing my shame in hunger.
By this point, Harold and Ginny had come downstairs from their slumber, glancing around the room. I ignored their conversation, trying to comprehend exactly WHY Discord had seen fit to fill my head with thoughts of sex, and how I could possibly distract myself from such images. It was really rather annoying, to be honest--
"DARLINGS! BEHOLD!"
Jackie had reemerged, still dressed as Photo Finish and now presenting her latest achievement: Stuffing my little brother into a green tunic and cap, complete with shield and sword wrapped around his body and, I noticed, a little Triforce wristband.
"Why is everybody treaten' me like a doll?" Ian grumbled.
"But you wanted to go trick or treating, didn't you?" Erishy countered.
"Ah didn't... Ah mean, Ah didn't care either way!"
"Wait wait wait." I held up a hoof, considering the situation. "I'm Midna, and he's Link? JACKIE YOU ARE AMAZING!"
Of course, she gave me a somewhat embarrassed smile. "Oh, well, I made this for some rich brat who decided it wasn't cool at the last minute. Still, I'm glad you like it."
The filly in her hands squirmed a bit. "Please. Put me down."
"Oh! Right!" She lowered him to the ground with a sly smirk. "Sorry."
"I think your outfit looks great," Erishy commented encouragingly. "And it hides your bow too."
Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Linda and Julien having a minor squabble. From what I could tell, Julien was trying to be concerned and caring and gentle and Linda was offended she was being treated like an emotional teenager. And of course, that Discorded part of me decided to throw up an image of what would happen if they suddenly kissed, hooves roving down each other's shoulders--
"If you lovebirds would come over to the main table, I'd like to tell you all some important things!" I shouted, more to distract myself than anything.
"WE ARE NOT oh forget it," Linda grumbled, taking her position at the communal table. "She's going to keep at it no matter what we do."
Ian rolled his eyes as he reclaimed his abandoned breakfast. "At least yer not short."
It took all of fourty two seconds for everybody, human and pony, to find a chair and meal. I took stock of their position, making sure they were all situated, before clopping--clapping my hoof onto the table.
"Alrighty! So, Erishy has already heard what I'm about to tell you all. Now, last night I discovered the princesses were missing and had a brilliant idea on how to find them."
"She told us about tha tin foil thang," Ian said blandly. "And about Twilight."
"...right." Well, there went my momentum.
I shook my head and continued. "So anyway, I did manage to get in contact with Luna and Tara. I didn't come out entirely unscathed," My hoof twirled the streak of grey in my straight mane, "Dissy was there too, but I managed to scare him off. So, Luna and Tara are, well, making amends for what happened with Tara's family while they were Discorded, and then they'll go find Celestia."
Ginny nodded. "That seems like a good idea..."
I couldn't resist throwing in an infomercial joke. "BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! Luna told me of a few things Dissy let slip."
I grabbed a glass of orange juice between my hooves--which, I realized, had not been on the table till that moment--and took a long, slow, deliberate drought. All the better to build the suspense.
"The fact is.... Twilight Sparkle was not shot."
"Oh thank Celestia." Shining was so relieved at this statement that he took a moment to praise his pagan gods--I kid, I kid!--before shaking his head and focusing on the task at hand. "So what, did Discord fake that picture?"
"Nope!" I chirped. "A purple unicorn, who could pass any genetic test you want, got shot and is now in the hospital."
"...But... that couldn't..." Jackie blinked her tired and confused eyes as she tried to comprehend the paradox. "...what?"
"Now now, Jackie, know thine enemy. What fun is there in making sense?" I smirked. "Twilight did get shot. Twilight also did not get shot."
"No... He can't have... He made a bunch of Twilights?" Shining shook his head. "And I thought one was a pain... But that still means we need to get to Twilight."
I blinked, surprised at how on the ball the unicorn was. I'd really expected them all to be confused until I explained it. "He split Twilight in two. The one in the hospital has her magic. The one we haven't found has her mind." Even as I clarified, I realized I wasn't giving a full explanation. "At least, that's what he told Luna in order to discourage her. And then he had one shot. So they must both be important, from a purely strategical perspective."
Harold nodded. "Alright. So... what do we do?"
"We have two responsibilities," I stated. "One: Locate and gather ALL the bearers, hopefully with the elements on them. Two: Keep the population calm. Shooting Twilight is terrorism, plain and simple, Discord's trying to get us all in a panicked state of mind. " A grin formed on my face and I turned to our unofficial navigator. "Lucky we have a way of fighting that. Julien! Where's the next city on our trip?"
"Columbus, Ohio. We can get there in a single day if we leave at sunup or we can do it overnight, taking turns at the wheel. Or, wheels." He shot a look at Ian and rolled his eyes. "Wait, we don’t have multiple drivers anymore except for Erica's car, since it has been... modified."
Wait, leave at sunup? "Yeeeeeah we're going to have to cut that journey in half. We need to be in a town by this afternoon or evening."
"Why?" Harold asked.
"Publicity. Or rather, counter-terrorism methodology. Because that's what putting Twilight in the hospital is, terrorism. It's meant to terrify us," I pointed at the hotel's entrance, "and I guarantee you the MOMENT we walk out that door we will be assailed by news cameras and whatnot."
"That..." Ginny shot a glance at Erishy. "...probably isn't good."
"We need to divert their attention from the tragedy while also reassuring them that we still have hope," I continued. "SO! We'll tell them that whatever town we end up in next, Hasbro has arranged a public talk show interview with Erishy and I. Hasbro will have to arrange the interview then, since we're basically their flagship salesmares copyright or not... Anywho, then we tell them that all questions WILL be answered on the talk show but that we intend to celebrate Halloween no matter what, because we're not going to cower in fear."
Harold leaned over his plate, giving me a curious look. "Where are you getting these ideas?"
I gulped. Even with it this far in the past, admitting that I was inspired by that particular tragedy left a bad taste in my mouth. "...history. Recent history, actually." I decided to scuttle sideways at the reference. "...It... happened eight days before my birthday. I was born on talk like a pirate day, did you know that?"
Harold's eyes widened. Clearly he got the point.
"Don't worry about me," Erishy added. "I can... Suck it up, and deal with my fear later. This needs to happen."
"Then we need to leave now." Julien stood up, walking towards the stairs. "I'll start packing."
"Wait wait wait, what about Trick or treating?! That's a vital part of the plan! We can't let Dissy send us into a panic, otherwise he wins?"
Linda smirked. "Are you sure you don't just want candy?"
I crossed my forelegs grumpily. "That's a side benefit and you know it." It wasn't like I was addicted.
I'm addicted, Pinkie reminded me. And you're in my body so--
I'm doing this for the people. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
"We could trick or treat after the press conference," Erishy offered sheepishly.
"Or we could do it before, spreading the word," Julien mused.
I gave the stallion my most unbelieving stare. "...That's what I'm saying!" Seriously, how did he miss that? Was I really that terrible at communicating?
Yes.
Thank you Pinkie.
Jackie stood up, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. "I agree to this plan."
"You see?" I exclaimed. "Sense!"
"I prepared the body dye and we need to get it on you soon if you're going to be Midna. Give me twenty minutes to apply and ten minutes for it to dry... and I think Erishy can handle helping the other ponies into their costumes and applying her own makeup."
My eyes narrowed to pinpricks. "Wait, I thought you were making a bodysuit?" Bodypaint meant OH FRICK FRICK FRICK.
"Nope. Body paint and colored contacts." She tilted her head. "And hair dye. I don't half-do things. Now finish those pancakes missy!"
FRICK FRICK FLARKING SKREEPING FRICKITY DANGIT.
A mare without an option, I unhinged my jaw and pulled the entire stack of pancakes down my throat with a single gulp.
".... that's just freaky," Ginny commented after a moment.
Jacqueline and I entered the costume room, whereupon she turned around and said, "Now take off your clothes."
I wish I was joking. She didn't even shut the door! What was wrong with this girl, did she have no sense of propriety? Pinkie was laughing at my discomfort in the back of my head, which only made the whole thing worse. Oh, and then part of my brain realized that this was a not unattractive woman with a thing for ponies and that clicked with the whole "think of sex" part of my head and GRAAAAAAAGH DISCORD I THINK OF HER AS A FRIEND DANGIT!
"What, just like that?"
"Why, what's wrong?"
I took a moment to close the door, before turning around and fidgeting. "I mean... just like that? Are you sure? I, uh, I just--"
She raised an eyebrow. "Don't tell me you're body shy. This isn't your body, and Pinkie's gone nude all her life!"
"Look, I'm just a little...." I shrugged. "I mean..."
"How did you ever survive the high school locker rooms?"
"By never actually needing them."
"You never... How is that possible? Every school has some physical education!"
"Bowling and tennis."
Jackie threw her hands up, giving the ceiling an exasperated look. "Listen, we're not going to get to the whole "calm everyone down by Trick or Treating" thing if you're not going to get painted. So get over your little qualms and get into the bathroom, I'm not painting you out here over the carpet!"
"It's not a little qualm, it's a deep-seated social more involving my identity and self-respect!"
"No. We are not having this conversation. I stayed up all night sewing costumes for all the other ponies--who, by the way, are totally fine showing off their flanks--and I even whipped up an extra for your brother without any warning. I said I'd get this job done, and I'm going to do it, so TAKE OFF your FUCKING CLOTHES before I TEAR THEM OFF YOU!"
There are many kinds of fear. There's the kind of fear that comes when a wild animal is charging at you. There's the kind that comes when you hear your friend is in the hospital. There's the kind when you look at the bills and realize that something's not adding up. Or when you find illicit drugs at a friend's house, or when you realize the world could very well end, or the fear you feel when a character in a book you're reading is at a crossroads....
And then there's the kind of fear that comes from dealing with a sleep-deprived cosplayer. It's a mix of 'are you serious?' and 'I feel such shame' spiced up with 'sweet God in heaven I think she's going to kill me.' Actually a very invigorating blend, if you ask me.
I took a moment to uncurl from my position on the floor.
"...can... can you at least, um, not watch me?"
Jackie sighed, rubbing her forehead and walking into the bathroom. "Fine. Whatever." She shut the door behind her, leaving me alone to... um... strip.
Yes, I know it sounds weird! I just don't like people seeing me strip! It's... a thing!
Pinkie took the moment to speak up in the back of my head. Do you want me to take control for this? I mean, if it would be more comfortable for you to just sit it out I'm totally cool with it.
...if you think you can hold still for it...
Oh, well that could be a problem. I'm not very good at the holding still thing, I mean I try but there's always so much to do and--
Alright I get it! I sighed. I guess I should do this anyway... I'm the one that picked Midna.
Carefully, I hung my clothes on a hanger that Jackie had thoughtfully provided, double checking to make sure nothing fell out of my coat pockets. I took a deep breath, steeling myself for the upcoming events. The approach to the door was filled with trepidation and terror. My hoof reached up to the door handle, eyes clenching shut as I turned it and walked onto the tiled floor.
"...okay, seriously, you're worse then Fluttershy."
I sighed and gave Jackie an unamused look. "Let's just get this over with."
She pulled out two bottles, shaking them up. "First we'll dye your mane and tail. Normally I'd do makeup first, but with this outfit..." With a shrug, she reached out and gathered my mane up.
I don't know if I mentioned this, but I really hate hair gel; the feeling of WET CLING in your hair is just aggravating. It was on that day I learned that hair dye is a lot similar.
It was also on that day I learned just how SENSITIVE a pony's tail can be.
And, come to think of it, the feeling of having white paint literally dumped all over me.
And having bits of stiff fabric spirit gummed to my head and neck.
The whole mane and tail in plastic thing wasn't new though. And being painted black wasn't exactly new either, though paintbrushes in places other then my face presented some problems.
"EEEP!"
I couldn't help but jump a bit as the brush went up my leg, earning a glower from the cosplayer.
"Jackie!" Linda called from the other side of the door. "Don't feel him up, that's lesbianism and arguably bestiality!" Apparently she had just entered the costume room for some reason. Probably to get her costume.
"You have a problem with those?" Jackie replied as she continued to darken my flank.
"No on the gay, maybe on the animal! Does it count if we can think?"
"I am not touching that issue, not even for fun. I really don't want to think about it." Oh great, Julien was there too? Well whoop de doo.
"Well, somebody has to," Linda pointed out. "Whole new world and all that."
I rolled my eyes at that comment. "It's been touched on in loads of fics, a few of mine included. Multispecies is generally considered fine if both parties are consenting. Heck, I've even heard of YEEEEP!"
"I know it tickles, just hold still!" Jackie growled.
"Trying!" I took a breath, watching as she switched out the large brush fro a smaller one and dipped it into bluegreen paint. "Anyway, like I was saying, I even heard about a woman who married a dolphin... somewhere. Dunno where, but, you know... dolphins."
"I suppose but it just seems... Like someone could have a relationship based on physical state more than a deep connection that way." Oh, apparently Erishy was out there too...
"Well, as long as they are consenting, I don't see anything wrong with it," Julien commented. "But I don't think Reid is consenting to anything in there."
"Excuse me, this is fully consenting," I snipped. "I have worn makeup before."
"Really?" The cosplayer painting me seemed surprised.
"Yeah, back in high school. Theater. I wasn't EEEE!" I twitched as the brush danced over my ear. "I wasn't on the stage, but I was handing out tickets. My job was to say 'Pleasant dreams' in this really creepy, monotone voice, and the makeup plus the red robe and hat made EEEHEEEHEE THAT TICKLES!"
Jackie groaned, pulling her brush back from my shoulder. "I know, I know, just hold STILL!"
"I am trying, really!" I reassured her quickly. "Anyway, so there I was with a white mimeface, red robes, red hat, staring at everyone passing by and wishing them Pleasant Dreams ominously.... and of course the play was Actor's Nightmare."
That got a giggle out of the yellow pegasus outside.
"Wow, Erishy, that certainly looks fetching on you!" Linda said suddenly, in that sort of voice you would only expect from those television shows like "What not to wear" and "Clean House." Okay, so I liked Clean House. The later seasons anyway. They had good editing!
"Why thank you!" the pegasus giggled. "I really like it, Jackie did such a great job, and I can't wait to see how she does my feathers. And the lace, I always thought lace was scratchy but she found some that is soft, imagine that!"
"Yeah, Jackie's always been great with finding soft things."
I swore I heard some sort of squeak before two sets of hooves walked out of the room.
Jackie rolled her eyes. "Now just hold out your ankle, and I'll paint this final symbol...."
"Okay." I sheepishly lifted a leg. "Sorry for being so twitchy, it's... just that I'm pretty sensitive. Sensitive skin."
"And..... done." She nodded and stood, opening a cabinet and pulling out two mostly transparent hemispheres. "You can't put on the helmet and bands yet, the hair dye still needs to dry, but I can give you your contacts and teeth now."
"Wow, where did you get these things?" I stared at the contacts. "They're huge!"
"Made them myself, last night."
...okay, Jackie was officially a costume goddess. Sorry, Rares, but she did all that in one night? You've got competition.
"Open your eyes...." I tried not to flinch as the contacts went in. "Now your mouth..." And actually did flinch a bit wen the fake fang was slipped on--it was cold! "...and done! As soon as your body paint dries you can put those things on, stay in here until I tell you to!" Jackie opened the door, walking out of my sight. "So, before I dye your feathers... are there any safety tips?"
"As long as it is water soluble, just don't pull them out." Erishy giggled a tad nervously.
"Alright, Could you stretch out your wings, please?"
"ARGH!" I winced and forced down the images of a yellow pegasus and her wings being... handled. "Sorry, my brain seems to be really perverse today. I am still blaming it on Dissy." Erishy giggled at my suffering.
So began the long wait for me to dry out.
"....What's happening out there? When can I come out?"
"Wait a bit!" Jackie replied. So I'm not that patient, sue me.
"I'm getting my feathers dyed," Erishy reported. "So how are you doing Reid?"
"I am covered. In. Paint," I stated flatly. "It is both disturbing and strangely relaxing."
"I can imagine, sort of... Well not really, but I understand!" the pegasus reassured me.
"Soooo, Have ya'll got mah brother painted up?" Apparently Ian decided to make an entrance at this time.
"Yes, dear," Jackie confirmed, "I'm just working on miss Erishy here while he dries out."
"...'dear?' Oh fer the love of--"
There was a vast and powerful screech, as though someone had been confronted with a terrifying reality and had subsquently lost their sanity. So, not really a big deal. It happens.
"What was that?" Erishy asked in fear.
"That sounds like..." Jackie sighed. "Oh, dear. Linda's probably just having a breakdown."
"Should we go see what's happenen'?" Ian asked hesitantly.
"No.... she probably just needed a little release. She should be okay soon."
Standing in one spot is boring. I couldn't even pace! "Am I dry yet?"
"Hold on," Jackie replied.
Erishy began to hum a very familiar tune, one from generations of plastic ponies ago. This got Ian's attention. "Where's ya learn that tune anyway? Ah mean, it's not like somebody came from Earth and started singing that thang in Equestria."
"According to one legend I heard, it was the lullaby Celestia and Luna heard every night when they were young." It took me a moment to realize the words had come out of my mouth, and I rolled my eyes once I realized what had happened. "That's... That's a Pinkie I."
"I have no idea," the pegasus added, "but I think Pinkie is right."
"I guess that makes sense," the cosplayer said casually.
After a moment, my brother spoke up again. "So, ah... Reid, are ya, ya know, still.... Reid?"
I took a breath, steadying myself. "Yes. And, um, no. Gollum Smeagol thing. We can switch out whenever we want, and talk to each other in our heads."
"Is there something keeping you two from merging?" Erishy asked.
"Merging is not the only form of synthesis," I explained wisely. "It's just one way. There are many paths."
"Ya'll have no idea, do ya."
Well, Ian knew me a bit too well. "I have too many ideas, more like." My ears perked as I heard the pegasus giggling suddenly. "Wait, what's going on out there?"
"Ah am not seein' this," Ian said flatly.
"What?" Jackie seemed oblivious to whatever was happening.
"Nothing," Erishy said way too casually. "She's just playing with my tail is all."
Instantly I was on alert. "WHAT?!" Tail-playing?! What?!
"I'm dying her tail," the cosplayer quickly reassured. "Like I dyed yours."
"Oh...." That was reassuring NO WAIT IT WASN'T AT ALL. "WHAT?!?!"
"Yah did that tah mah brother?!"
"He did ask for it, and I wasn't anything but professional. There, all done. You should be dry now, Reid."
"Hey, why are you all acting this is a big deal?" the pegasus asked. "I think that Jackie was quite professional about it."
"Well it just looks suggestive, I guess." I shrugged as I stepped out of the bathroom. "I mean when she was--"
And then I caught sight of Erishy.
"...doing... me.... It... kinda tickled...."
My voice trailed off as I looked at her in her halloween outfit. I'd gotten a preview when it was on the ponnequin, of course, but once it was placed on a living, breathing body things were completely different. The subtle slope of the green corset accentuated the elegant, striped wings, and the way her skirt clung to her flank just teased at revealing her cutie mark. The little lacy shoestocking things made me ever so aware of the graceful curve of her legs, and the strands of black in her mane and tail danced in serpentine frenzy. Somehow, the makeup didn't remove the softness of the pegasus's features, but where before it was a somewhat worried and sad softness now it was relaxed, predatory. A look found on a panther that was amused a humble deer had just spotted it lounging right above its head.
In that moment I thanked my lucky stars I was not a pegasus.
My brother took a moment to look between us before facehooving. "Oh ya have got ta be joken." Fortunately, before he could continue, Jackie snatched him up and absconded.
"Um..." Erishy blushed a bit. "Hey... You like the outfit?"
"Um... yes. Uh...." I glanced at my own painted body. "Aheh... do you like the... uh... runes?" I was trying my best not to bolt out of the room because I was COMPLETELY NAKED but the fact was my cheekbones were burning.
"Yeah!" she assured me quickly. "Very stylish. Um... Very... Are you sure you are okay with not wearing anything? I mean... You seemed so worried before.."
"I am completely naked with dry goop on my skin and alone in a room with a a mare I may or may not have romantic feelings for who is wearing what is quite frankly a very alluring outfit while still coming to terms with the fact that I am a mare myself and on top of all that Discord has seen it fit to make me think of sex constantly. Not become aroused by it, just think of it. So no, I am not comfortable, but really I took this path and I'll stick to it."
My name is Reid and I am charmingly blunt.
I took the moment of confusion to lunge for the styrofoam helmet and ponytail holders, slipping my mane and tail through the rings before sliding the big bulky fused shadow replica onto my head. Instantly I relaxed; the part of me that was an actor found Midna and brought her to the forefront of my mind, where she cackled at my own awkwardness.
Hmmm. First Pinkie, then the Discord fragment, and now Midna. I briefly considered charging rent before realizing that none of my guests would be able to provide legal tender.
"....believe it or not, wearing this makes me feel a lot better," I admitted, letting out a breath.
"I...." Erishy glanced around, still trying to process what I had said. "Um.... I.... Well.... Thank you?"
"You're welcome. And thank you for only noticing the compliment in that."
I turned, ready to leave the room.
Then I whirled about, facehooving. "FLUTTERSHY! Of course, FLUTTERSHY, why didn't I see it before? I am such an idiot."
"You're doing that Pinkie thing again, where you get excited without explaining it to others." The pegasus raised an eyebrow.
"What happens in Las Pegasus STAYS in Las Pegasus. And Fluttershy is a Las Pegasus name, good and soft, not like the Cloudsdale pegasi. Rainbow Dash, Spitfire, I heard Spitfire named her kid Lightning dust.... ACTION names, lots of oomph. The ancient pegasi were militaristic, but not idiots, they divided everything up! Soldiers, craftsmen, bakers, all with names describing their actions! Hurricane names his daughter Pansy so she can stay at home gardening, overprotective from the moment she's born HA! Fast forward to the farming settlement on the west coast, lots of soft names related to gardening even after it's no longer a garden town, and guess what? Fluttershy! That...."
Suddenly I realized what I had been rambling on about, and slowed down.
"That's.... probably why you were left at the orphanage. Because you... weren't born from.... real love."
Why had I even brought this up?!
Erishy looked at me in complete shock.
What the heck was I thinking to bring this up?!?!
I took the first move, stepping forward and clutching her tightly. "I shouldn't have mentioned it. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..." After a moment, she collapsed and started sobbing, bringing her own forelegs around my neck. Suddenly I felt a burning weight around my neck; I knew if I glanced down, I would see a vengeful element of harmony glowing as it reprimanded me. "I.... I'm such an idiot. Um...." My hooves ran through her mane as I desperately wracked my head for some idea to cheer her up. "Bright side, bright side... M-Maybe you're, um, Rainbow Dash's half sister? That could be a good thing, right? O--o-or maybe your father was visiting from Neighpon, a-a-and you're the long lost princess of, I don't know, Neighpon's number one, um, rabbit... place.... They have rabbits, right? I should just shut up."
"B... Bright side.... I don't have to be alone anymore. It wasn't my f.... f.... fault...." Erishy tried and failed to stop the tears.
"Hey." I pulled back, looking into her eyes firmly. "You are never alone. Got that? I don't care about where you came from or where you're going, I care about where you are right here, right now. And right now, I swear to you with the power invested in me as Pinkimena Diane Pie: You are never alone." My hooves crossed my chest, waggled in the air and then--
It was that point I realized just how fuzzy my eyelids were.
The ridiculous gesture, though, managed to calm Erishy down. She wrapped her forelegs around me again, but this time she was smiling faintly. "Thank you. Both of you."
The pain from my magic bling faded away.
"....you know what we need? We need to show off our costumes to the world!" I released Erishy and quickly tossed the Element of Laughter into a corner, hoping over to the door. Being the chivalrous man that I am, I bowed and held the door own for her; she rolled her eyes and gave me a little curtsy as she exited. It was a matter of no time at all before we spotted Jackie and Ian talking about... something down the hall. "Hey! Jackie! Before we head outside, Erishy and I want to give the world a little preview of our AMAZING outfits. Can you help us with that?"
The cosplayer smirked. "Of course! I wouldn't be Photo Finish without..." She produced a magnificent piece of work with a floruish. "A Photo Camera! Smile for facebook, ladies!"
....what just... I couldn't... huh?
"...aaaaaaum. Ahem." I took a moment to clear my head.
"Well, I'll just post this to--"
"NO!" The cosplayer was interrupted by my panicked flailing. "No, um, shippers! Shipping wars are legendary. Don't tease the shippers." I grinned, awkwardly realizing that I was maybe overreacting a tad. "Let's... take another photo."
"...Ya haven't been kissed before, have ya."
"No. No I have not. This is a reaction to my first kiss, and therefore cannot be analyzed for definitive emotional content." Plus this way Mom wouldn't find out before I told her. That was always good, right?
Erishy giggled at my antics. "You are so funny."
"I'll just take that as a compliment.," I quipped dryly, as we smiled for a more official image.
It took the combined efforts of myself and Erishy to get Julien away from packing and up into the costume room. I mean, Jackie stayed up all NIGHT working on those things! The least he could do was....
...alright, I guess he was being helpful with the packing... thing.
I sighed as I looked into the room. "....and she goes for the gossamer gown. Oh whatever." Exercising my newfound telekinesis, I pulled the dress off its statue... thingy. Out of the corner of my eye, I glanced a familiar black coat on a hanger. "Hey, where's Reid?"
"Probably getting changed in private. I don't blame him." Erishy took the time to examine her outfit, blushing and grinning at Jackie's expertise.
"Painted, you mean." I rolled my eyes. "Remember what Jackie--"
"EEEP!"
Ah, there was the pink pony. I trotted up to the restroom door with a smirk. "Jackie! Don't feel him up, that's lesbianism and arguably bestiality!"
"You have a problem with those?" my friend called back.
"No on the gay, maybe on the animal!" I shot an amused glance at Julien while slipping into Arwen's gown."Does it count if we can think?"
The stallion flinched, either from the question or the armor that Erishy was helping slip onto him. "I am not touching that issue, not even for fun. I really don't want to think about it."
"Well, somebody has to," I pointed out, crowning myself with a movie-accurate tiara. "Whole new world and all that."
"It's been touched on in loads of fics, a few of mine included," Reid called out from the bathroom. "Multispecies is generally considered fine if both parties are consenting. Heck, I've even heard of YEEEEP!"
"I know it tickles, just hold still!"
"Trying! Anyway, like I was saying, I even heard about a woman who married a dolphin... somewhere. Dunno where, but, you know... dolphins."
Erishy narrows her eyes as she straps some more armor onto the stupidly hot stallion in the room. "I suppose but it just seems... Like someone could have a relationship based on physical state more than a deep connection that way."
"Well, as long as they are consenting, I don't see anything wrong with it." He smirked as he glanced toward the shut door. "But I don't think Reid is consenting to anything in there."
"Excuse me, this is fully consenting," Reid objected. "I have worn makeup before."
"Really?"
"Yeah, back in high school. Theater. I wasn't EEEE! I wasn't on the stage, but I was handing out tickets. My job was to say 'Pleasant dreams' in this really creepy, monotone voice, and the makeup plus the red robe and hat made EEEHEEEHEE THAT TICKLES!"
"I know, I know, just hold STILL!"
"I am trying, really! Anyway, so there I was with a white mimeface, red robes, red hat, staring at everyone passing by and wishing them Pleasant Dreams ominously.... and of course the play was Actor's Nightmare."
I rolled my eyes at the antics that Jackie and Reid were apparently getting up to. Heh, men. Speaking of which, Julien was fully armored now, in what I had to admit was a very well-adjusted suit. Of course he was very deliberately looking off at something uninteresting, which of course meant that he had been looking at me until I glanced over.
Really? Really? Either stare at my flank or don't stare at all!
I decided to take the situation into my own hands. Hooves. Whatever. With an exaggerated sway in my step, I draped myself over him and started to tighten various parts of his costume. Erishy was putting her own costume on....
"Wow, Erishy, that certainly looks fetching on you!"
Evil of me? Yes. But ooooooh so satisfying.
"Why thank you!" The pegasus twirled around in her corset and skirt. "I really like it, Jackie did such a great job, and I can't wait to see how she does my feathers."
"She looks great," Julien whispered, "but she doesn't even compare to your beauty." Oh for the love of...
"And the lace, I always thought lace was scratchy but she found some that is soft, imagine that!"
I smirked. "Yeah, Jackie's always been great with finding--"
With a small burst of magic, I hitched up Julien's pant to his chest.
"--soft things."
Score one for the ladies. I glided out of the room, smiling at my triumph. Of course, he decided to walk out after me even though he was wincing with every step he took.
"...could you please stop with the pet thing? It's kind of freaking me out."
"I'm not acting like a pet, I'm acting like a husband who knows his wife. If I'm not around when Cadance fuses with you, then I will be in a ton of trouble." Julien winced a bit as he adjusted his pants. "Plus I know that you won't ask for comfort until you absolutely have to. And lastly, you are the sexiest thing on the face of two worlds now, so following you around is more of a reward than a punishment."
"...that's still creepy." I turned away from him, keeping my eyes on my forehooves. "I'm sorry, the constant complimenting and stuff is just seriously weird."
"Sorry... But I really missed Cadance, and on top of that I really want to help you." The stallion snorted. "Sadly you seem determined to make anything I do be the wrong thing..."
It took me a moment to clue on.
"....Wait. You miss Cadance? You as..." I turned back to him with narrowed eyes. "Who are you?"
"Last night it finished, while we slept. I woke up and it was just...." He waved at his face. "Me. So..." A sheepish grin, a shrug. "...Yeah."
...no.
Nononono.
I gave him a smile. "Please. Stay here for just one minute, okay?" Smile still plastered on my face, I trotted calmly to my room, gently shut the door, and stared at a wall.
"Are you okay?" Instantly he was outside my room. "No... You aren't okay... Should I go get Ginny? She’d probably be better at comforting you..."
I swung the door open, giving him a serene smile. "No, I'm fine, just fine! I am completely and totally calm and anybody that says otherwise is lying, okay? There is no need to panic. I'm just processing things. That's all."
I was smiling, right? I looked normal and collected and why was he looking at me like that?!
"Linda, is anything wrong?" Of course Ginny and Harold would show up then.
"Nothing. Nothing is wrong. Nope. I'm just a teensy tiny bit stressed. I just need to relax."
"....would you like a hug?"
I stared at Ginny for a moment. Was I really...? "...yeah sure, okay."
I have to admit, the girl can hug just right... just tight enough to reassure me, and not so tight as to constrain me. It really is a relaxing experience...
"Sorry, I'll just..." The stallion backed away awkwardly. "Go do something somewhere else." He turned and trotted off, his head held low.
I belatedly realized that I had just had a freakout and run from the guy who triggered it.
"....aw crap." Breaking from Ginny's hug, I galloped after him. "Julien! Shining! Sorry, whatever... Look, It's not your fault, okay? Just--I don't know. Can... can we just....?"
"Can we just pretend like it isn't happening?" He whirled around to face me, concern all over his features. "Because that isn't working Linda."
"No! That's not what I meant. I just, I... I just..." I flailed desperately with my wings, trying to figure out a way to explain all my issues. "I... Irene."
Why had I said that? It wasn't her fault...
"I'm sorry, but you'll have to explain it to me." Julien sat down, giving me a gentle nod. "Take your time."
"...I.... I'm just worried that... my sister won't recognize me. I guess..."
"Do you still love her?"
"It's not that, it's... she's... sensitive. And, well... she's not well." I sighed, remembering how I'd kept my friends in the dark. "Hasn't woken up in eight days.... The doctors think she'll recover, but it'll be a while. I wanted to be there when she woke up. One of those silly, sensitive things, you know?" A wry smile played across my lips for a second. "And now, I.... My body's changed and my mind is changing. And she's.... very sensitive."
Julien put a hoof on my shoulder. "You won't be gone Linda. It will still be you, and your sister might be even worse off if Discord wins."
"Oh yes, point out the big obvious threat why don't you? This has nothing to do with him and you know it!"
"But I don't know your sister. I could say that she will understand or that she will even like the new you, but I swore never to lie to Cadance, and by extension I will never lie to you. This is confusing and scary and we don't know what will happen, but we can't tear ourselves apart over the things we can't change."
"I don't care whether she accepts me or not!" I shouted. "I just want to know if... if she's going to recognize me..."
"Well... It wouldn't be easy, but we could cast an illusion of your old self over your current self. She wouldn't be able to touch you but you would look human. I mean, if that would work."
STALLIONS.
"I'm sorry, that is all I can think of to do... Besides that, facing her openly and telling her what happened is the best course of action..."
I sighed. "....sure, whatever."
"I'm sorry. What else do you want me to say? I won't lie to you, but ill be here to help along the way..." Julien averted his gaze. "Unless you want me to leave, that is."
"I... I don't know." I sighed, sitting down and letting my own gaze fall to the carpet. "Say you'll be there-- not, inside the room, just... waiting, if it all goes.... bad. I hate relying on others but... I...."
"I promise I will be there." His forelegs wrapped around me. I stiffened instinctively, but... well, I didn't run this time. "I won't leave."
He really was... serious about this. I didn't know what to think. I'd never actually met anyone who didn't fall into either the 'just friends' category or the 'lust-filled pursuers' category...
It was insane. Insane enough that I just had to giggle.
"...Hey I just met you, and I know this is crazy, but I trust you, so trick or treating maybe?"
Julien broke the hug and gave me a look. "Doesn't that song end with the person she is chasing being gay?" He smirked. "But yes, I would love to go trick or treating with you. Then, after we take care of this press conference thing, a royal date."
I shrugged. "I just saw the meme on the internet, I don't know where it came from."
"A terrible song but hey, you just made it better somehow."
"I'm the goddess of love," I teased. "I'm bisexual." Haha, let's see how he reacted to--
"Haha! I know, just wait until you remember our honeymoon."
Huh?
"Wait what?" I stared after him as he walked off. "What?! I was joking! I was JOKING!" He didn't seriously think--
"You'll just have to speed up the merge if you want to know if I'm joking too, I suppose."
...RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH STALLIONS WHAT IS UP WITH THEM?!
Hey, sorry to bug you (PUN INTENDED), but we have a situation. Twilight has been shot, except not really.
Let me explain. No, there is too much to explain, let me sum up.
Discord split Twilight in two, so now there are two Twilights in the world. The Twilight that was shot has her magic, but not her memories, and is currently hospitalized. The Twilight that we haven't found has her mind, but not her power, and us elements will be on the lookout for her. The princesses are missing, but I was able to contact Luna last night, with a tin foil hat because I'm Pinkie Freaking Pie. She's going to calm down Tara's family while looking for Luna.
What does any of this have to do with you? I'm really sorry that I have to order you to do this, but here's the three-part plan: You get to New York. You convince the federal authorities to let you impersonate Twilight. You use all the love you get as Twilight Sparkle to power healing spells on the Twilight in bed.
Remember: The hive serves the swarm, the swarm serves the queen, the queen serves the hive. The changelings on earth may be few and far between, but in the long run keeping the bronies running will help the changelings.
Also, say hi to the Cakes for me. Even if they're not the Cakes yet. Also also, lookit! Halloween costumes! Also also also, if you see AJ tell her my brother is now her sister, AND RECORD THE REACTION.
I giggled to myself as I sent the facebook message off to Chryssy. Was I still worried about Twilight? Yes. All my yes. But if I let myself simply worry and worry and worry and WORRYWORRYWORRYWORRY I'd probably snap and go Cupcakes on everypony. Everybody. Whatever.
Surprisingly enough, my delay at the hotel doors had an unintended consequence. Erishy apparently ponied up, because she was the first one to dive into the crowd of reporters like a BAWS (as the internet would later remind everyone). I, being the chivalrous pony I was, was quick to catch up and ensure she didn't have to endure the slings and arrows of popularity on her own! Also pretty much everyone else in the group caught up, it was like only a yard of a lead after all.
“Soooo." I shrugged. "Here we are, in the middle of a crowd of reporters and--”
And then the storm swallowed us.
“WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE DISAPPEARANCE OF THE PRINCESSES?” "Are you in a sexual relationship? "Have you considered what impact this will have on the religious scene?" “Do you think that the purple unicorn is dead?” "I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES!""Do you consider doorknobs racist?" “How do you intend to repair the damage to the calendar?" "NO SERIOUSLY! SPARE UTERUS HERE!""Somebody get her out of here..."Do you intend to make musical numbers a legal obligation?" “Are you intending to take your fans to Equestria?” "BUT PINKIE IS MY WAIFU!"Come on Sarah... sorry about her..."
I winced as I realized neither Pinkie or I had any decent mental filter for all the shouts and cries going through the air. Good God, Fluttershy had to endure THIS as a model? Even a fraction of this would be painful! I'd only dealt with fans before, reporters were a heck of a different beast...
“All questions will be answered later!” Ian shouted. With the wisdom of news crews everywhere, he was ignored due to his youthful status.
Fortunately for everypony, the pegasus of the group put her experience on the stage to good use. She turned around, cowing the crowd with her stern glare. “Unfortunately, due to some scheduling difficulties, we are unable to take the time to answer your questions at this moment, however we will be holding a press conference in another city, and details will be released shortly.”
Even that, however, was not enough to completely eliminate the lust for events in their eyes. I could see the hungry way they clutched their cameras and their mikes; they were being PAID for a story, and they weren't going to leave until they got one.
I suddenly got a very evil idea.
”But I do have a statement I’d like to make!"
Erishy gave me an odd look. I winked. "Just follow my lead...”
Right. Showtime.
“Boys and girls of every age.....” A sly grin formed on my face as I let my voice modulate up and down. “....wouldn’t you like to see something strange?"
With a nervous glance at me, Erishy joined in.“Come with us, and you will see, this our town of Halloween!”
“Really?” Ian deadpanned.
“This is Halloween, this is Halloween!" Linda stepped forward to join our sillyness. "Pumpkins scream in the dead of night!”
“This is Halloween! EVERYBODY MAKE A SCENE!”
Gilda apparently wanted to join in, as she appeared out of nowhere and started shoving the reporters aside. Erishy gasped at her impropriety; it was reasonable, given she could ruin the whole thing by alienating the audience! I quickly performed an acrobatic flarking pirouette to get a handle on the situation and alighted on the griffon's back. “Trick or treat, till the neighbors come and die of fright!” Of course, she was rather surprised and startled and annoyed but THANKFULLY she had the good taste not to do anything.
“It's our town, everybody scream!" Julien cried. "In this town of Halloween...”
“I am the one hiding under your bed!" I sang. baring my false fang. "Teeth ground sharp, and eyes glowing RED!”
“I am the one hiding under your s... stairs!" Erishy kept herself in character, even as she trembled away from the smirking Gilda. "Feathers like snakes and spiders in my hair!”
“This is Halloween, this is Halloween, Halloween Halloween, Halloween, Halloween!” The cosplayers were pretty decent as a chorus--
“In this town we call home, everyone hail to the pumpkin song!” And Julien made a decent duet with my brother!
Of course my brother was a pro at this, almost everyone in the Priddy Clan is, but the guard singing with a little filly had a great impact on the viewing crowd. There was much daawing and a few giggles and I belatedly realized that it might have been hard on Ian to be treated like a little girl so I hopped quickly to the next verse.
“In this town, don't we love it now?" I jumped next to Erishy with a twirl. "Everybody's waiting for the next surprise!”
She jumped a little, before realizing what had happened and slipping in closer. ”Round that corner, man hiding in the trash can, Something's waiting now to pounce, and how you'll--”
“Scream!"
Oh that certainly got a rise out of her.
"This is Halloween," the cosplayers and my brother continued, "Red 'n' black, slimy green!"
“Aren't you scared?” Gilda inquired of the reporters.
“Well, that's just fine!” Linda leapt into the air, spiraling in a display of her master over the currents of the wind. “Say it once, say it twice, take a chance and roll the dice! Ride with the moon in the dead of night!”
“Everybody scream!" Harold bellowed. "Everybody scream!”
“In our town of Halloween!” Ginny sung, pulling him into a waltz.
“This is Halloween, this is Halloween!" The joys of unanimous singing! "Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!”
Ian hopped on top of Julien's head. “Tender lumplings everywhere, life's no fun without a good scare.”
I grinned. “That's our job--”
“--but we're not mean!” Erishy reassured quickly.
“In our town of Halloween...”
Wow, we sounded really good harmonizing with each other. I briefly considered grabbing Shy right there and nonono bad thoughts bad thoughts!
Thankfully Julien was able to pick up the thread before it was lost. “In this town, don't we love it now? Everybody's waiting for the next surprise!”
Griffon and Alicorn performed ariel dance, singing together in creepy harmony. “This is Halloween, this is Halloween, Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!”
“In this town we call home, everyone hail to the pumpkin song."
And with Ian's line, the two flyers landed on either side of the unicorn. As we chanted the final Lalala chorus, Erishy and I jumped between them, balancing on two backs each; Ian was placed on top of us by Jackie herself. By the time we hit the final note, there was a perfect pony pyramid.
For a moment there was stillness.
Then, as one, the crowd began to clap. Reporter, passerby, and Sarah alike were so amazed and amused by our impromptu performance that they felt the incessant need to bang their palm together and make microexplosions. Erishy took the moment to grab Ian and put him gently on the ground.
I figured this would be a perfect time to announce our plans. “Oh, and also, we’ve decided to go around this city and ask for candy while wearing funny costumes. Is that alright with everyone?”
“Hell no." Gilda stepped aside and let me fall to the ground. "Let’s talk.”
“Um..." Erishy glanced between griffon and crowd, quickly raising a placating hoof. "So yes, we will be trick or treating, thank you everyone!”
With an deficiency born of years of herding various species, she swiftly guided all of us to the small region of the parking lot where our vehicles were resting. Once we were all together, she turned on Gilda with a simmering glare. “So... You said you got shot in that message.”
Wait what?
“I did. I got better.” The griffon crossed her arms and gave her a smug smile. “Why? You worried, Flutters?” Erishy didn't really have an answer, averting her face with a light blush.
Julien gave Gilda a flat look. “Why are you here? You should be headed to New York with everyone else, or headed somewhere else instead of coming here to antagonize Erica.”
“Hey, what?" I interrupted, stepping forward and pushing him back. "She got shot? Wait wait wait, sorry, back up here. When did this happen?!”
“Doesn’t matter. I can’t exactly let you get to New York, you see.” Gilda glanced off, somewhat out of it. “Pretty obvious trap.”
She had a point. Putting all of us in one place would make us easy prey. “Yes. I get it. Dissy’s playing a fun game...." On the other hoof, we needed to get the Elements together. "You got any better ideas?”
“It does matter!" Erishy insisted. "When did you get shot? Because if it was when you sent that message, it was only two days ago or so.”
Gilda's gaze snapped back in shock. “Only two days? Felt a whole lot longer than that, Shy. ‘Sides, I had it treated. Found a friendly ranger...” She shook her head at that lousy excuse. “Really, it doesn’t matter anymore.”
So let's recap. Two days ago she was shot, then she found a ranger, then she was healed and came here healthy enough to participate in a dance number and wanted us to stop our journey? “Uh huh." I didn't buy it for a second, but it would be better to play along and keep her in sight. "Alright, you can play tough girl for a little while longer, but if you start hurting from your obviously makeshift healing... whatever, you tell us or I get to bop you on the head. Welcome to the caravan by the way!”
She stared at me in confusion. “...Caravan? The...”
“We have three cars and three drivers," Harold explained. "Well, four if you can drive.”
Ian sighed. “Ah was one of tha drivers... till this mornen.”
Hey Reid, you smell that?
I sniffed the air. Huh, yeah. What the heck is--
“...What’s a car?”
We all stared at the griffon currently leaning against a 2011 Toyota Sienna in disbelief.
I was the first to connect the dots. “....where’s your human?”
“A car is one of these," Erishy added, patting the van with a hoof. "A cart that moves when you press a pedal. But really, what happened to your human half? We all had to go through it, no need to be embarrassed, Gilda.”
Gilda growled, offended that she was being accused of being weak, even if it was only by implication. “I’m not embarrassed. I have no idea where the hell he is.” She shifted from paw to paw awkwardly. “Where the hell is that ungrateful shard monger...”
“That can’t be good..." I muttered. "A mind just deleting itself....” Severe issues would have to be present, or possibly magical influence.
“Yeeeeeah,” Ginny agreed, rubbing her neck. Linda simply continued staring.
“Wait, just a second." Julien tilted his head. "There was a human mind there, and now it is gone?"
Gilda shrugged. “Look, he just hasn’t done anything in a few hours. I’m sure he’s just sulking or something. He does that.” Ian had to facehoof at her simple lack of care for something that essential.
That mysterious scent caught my attention again. Something about it seemed off... and I hadn't smelled it around here before Gilda came so--
Wait. Gilda. Female griffon....
“....you’re in heat aren’t you,” I said without thinking.
At my comment, Ian, Erishy, and Julian combined forced to do the rare QUADRUPLE FACEHOOF COMBO, complete with light blush on the pegasus's face. Gilda gave me a burning glare. “Shut up. Really. You gotta tell everyone here that? Dweeb, maybe I DIDN’T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW?”
I desperately tried to think of a way to salvage the situation.
Then I realized that was pretty much impossible. “Actually, on second thought, nothing I could say could fix this situation, so I’m wiping the last half minute from my memory. Let’s go trick or treating!” Pulling a pumpkin-shaped basket out of nowhere, I skipped off merrily as though nothing strange had happened.
As soon as I was out of sight, Pinkie pressed ourself against the ground and crawled under a car. "Okay, Reid, what are we going to do about her?"
"Why are we under a car?"
"Because nobody ever looks under cars! I mean it's kind of stinky down here so I can see why but that's not the point! What are we going to do about GIlda?"
I rolled my eyes. "Look, obviously Discord is taking advantage of her heat cycle and recent injury to trick her into doing something."
"Aha! So you think Discord's behind this too!"
"Well duh. Two days to heal from a bullet wound? Not happening."
"Oh.... that's a lot better then what I was thinking, which was that Discord thought we thought she was a pinata and we'd open her up for candy and get ourselves arrested."
I blinked. "...Pinkie I am in your HEAD and I can tell you I did not follow that train of logic."
"It wasn't a well railed train," the pony admitted sheepishly. "I was kinda distracted by the... smell."
"Ah, yeah... that."
We blushed and fidgeted a bit.
Eventually Pinkie shook her head. "That's beside the point. Discord wants her to do something... what is it?"
"Good question. But the real question is, if she realized what he wanted, would she do it?" I tapped my hoof on the ground. "I'm thinking that she's been convinced what she's doing is right, to protect us. Still, we can't stop her from doing it if we aren't around or we don't know what it is. I say we treat her like a friend and hope she eventually decides we're being nice enough that she doesn't want to do what Dissy is trying to get her to do."
"Hmmm. Surprisingly cunning and underhanded, yet entirely in character for me.... I like. I like it a lot."
"Good. Now can we PLEASE get out from under the car?"
"Alright, alright! You're a really fussy mcfusserson, fussypants!"
We emerged from the undercarriage, our costume thankfully undamaged. Just as I was about to head back, however, Pinkie hijacked my body again and jumped into the cosplayer van, picking up some rather large plastic bags before bounding back to the group with a wild smirk. “I just realized none of you have loot bags!” She began to pass bags out to everypony.
“Thank you.” Julien spared us a smile as he passed Linda a container for her candy. Something seemed different about her, but I couldn't quite place it.
Gilda fave us a frustrated snort, but took hers without objection. “Alright.”
Once everybody had a bag, I glanced around to do a headcount. “Right.” One tow three four five six... wait. “ERISHY! IAN! Aren’t you guys coming with us?”
“...where did you even get these?” Jacki opened the bag curiously.
I shrugged. “From your trunk.” Honesty was the best policy after all.
“Well, let’s go!" Julien marched off with an energetic smirk. "You can figure out your internal existential crisis while we are on the move Gilda, this is a military operation. No rest for the weak!”
“Gather as much candy as possible and... er..." A horrible thought entered my mind as I looked from Griffon to Unicorn. "Try not to grab onto Shiney too much. His wife’s right there.”
Linda sighed as she walked up next to Julien, rolling her eyes at me “Pinkie...”
“...How did I get into this mess of lunatics...” Gilda muttered.
“It must have been fate!” I cried with a false swoon. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Ian on Erishy's back, the two of them joining the rest of us as we walked into the town proper. Yes, there was a lot of crazy stuff going on... but right now, it was time to indulge in our more childish urges to play dress up and eat loads of sugar.
“....sooooooo." Ginny shot a look at our new companion. "Um. Griffon, huh?”
That got a snort from Gilda. “Yeah. Griffon. Got any other smar-” she shook her head, gritting her beak and taking a deep breath. “Any questions?”
“Fucking sweet.”
“Language!" I berated her sternly. "Fillies present!”
“TWENTY! AH’M TWENTY!” shouted the filly currently riding on Erishy's back. Hee hee, what it is to tease.
It was taking a bit to get away from the more developed areas of town, not in the least because of the crowd of reporters still following us. Still, at least we were going to get candy soon. I couldn't help but wonder if we should save some of it for Twilight... the Twilight in the hospital, anyway. Actually, should we save some for the rest of our friends? And the other Crusaders too... And Chrysalis. I pondered this for a bit.
How about we just get a metric ton of candy and share it with whoever we meet?
Yeah, that's actually a good idea.
Thank you, I am the Crown Confectioner of Canterlot for a reason.
“I mean, you must be a real badass, right?" Ginny continued. "Fighting dragons and sh--stuff like that.”
“Yeah. I guess...” Gilda inched away from her slightly, her head drooping a bit. “Never fought a dragon.”
I smirked a bit at the headcanon-induced awkwardness, waving to a pair of little girls across the street that were dressed up as princesses. Or fairies. Or possibly kittens. Whatever they were, they were cute and enthusiastically waved right back.
That line of thought caused my eyes to drift back to my own fairy. She was very acutely shifting closer and further away from me, keeping her eyes up front. Was she... nervous? I mean I suppose I could understand why she would be, I'd just half confessed my potential love for her and admitted to having my mind be sexualized by a Concept of Chaos wannabe, but that should make me nervous, not her!
I gave my brother a sly glance. “....Hey Ian, wanna trade spots?”
“Yer way too heavy fer her.”
Instantly Pinkie took control of our mouth. “ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?!" For some odd reason, she seemed to really be offended by that comment.
“Eeeeeyup.”
“From the mouth of babes...” Harold quipped.
“You do have a bit of pudge," Jackie admitted, "but you pull it off quite well.”
“Look, you’re not fat, Portly Pie,” Gilda reassured mockingly.
“I..." Erishy glanced between the crowd and us, trying to defuse the situation. "Do you want a ride, Pinkie? I mean, I’ve carried Twilight before and that wasn’t too bad... You are skinnier than Twi after all...”
She wasn't exactly doing too good a job at lying.
“You know what?" Pinkie flipped her mane and marched to the front of the group. "I’m WALKING.”
“You know they’re right, Pinkie,” I commented.
“Hush you.”
“Excellent observation, Pinkie, you are walking. We all are walking." Julien smirked. "You also happen to be giving the entire caravan a great view of your painted posterior. Jackie, that your handiwork?”
I blushed at that, backpedalling to the rear of the group and trying to ignore the laughter of the group. Gilda at least was on my side, covering her beak with a talon. “You guys are worse than the ranger was.”
Linda gave Julien a flat look. “Dear, don’t tease her.” Or maybe it was Cadance. Who knows.
“She was quite twitchy actually,* Julien mused.
“SO! Gilda!" I smiled widely. "Would you like a funny hat?”
“Hat...?”
“Halloween! Costumes!”
My attempts to redirect the conversation were graciously assisted when we finally hit the residential area. Erishy took a deep breath, putting Ian down and flying up to a door. Her hoof made contact with it, somehow managing to make no sound at all. “Um... Trick or treat?”
After a while, Gilda walked up and pushed Erishy aside, ramming the door with a curled Talon. “Trick or..." She paused, realizing what she was saying. "Treat?”
I rolled my eyes, stepping up to the door. “Stand aside, let the professional handle this.” My hoof raised to the occasion, rapping against the wooden door. Shave and a haircut... two WAAAAA!
Faceplanting can be painful. Especially when you're wearing a grey Styrofoam helmet.
With a schlurp, I managed to peel my face off the foyer's tile and look up at the owner of the house. “...uh hi! So, um...”
“Is this heaven?” the man asked in a daze.
Oh joy. A devotee. “No. If it were heaven, we’d actually be coming in instead of mooching off candy.” I stood up, holding out my bag expectantly. “But you can appease heaven’s angels!”
“Dude, Gilda? Wow, You guys are amazing, and in my town too..." He held up a hand, bouncing back into his home. "Just a sec.”
“Oh this is so nice," Erishy sighed gently. "Getting to meet new people.”
Gilda glanced at her in discomfort. “...I never understood how these people know about us.”
“I’ll explain later," I promised, "just smile and wave for now.”
The devotee returned with a bowl of candy, placing some in each of our proffered loot bags... and upending the rest into the griffon's collection.
That really surprised her. She blinked at the man, examined her own bag, and looked up again.
“Don’t let the dweebs get you down.”
“Sure." Gilda tried and failed to smile a cocky smile. "Go on... being cool and stuff. Yeah.”
To this day I wish I had a camera so I could tease her with how amazingly cute she looked in that moment.
The devotee waved us all off as we headed down the street to the next house. I turned to his idol with a sigh. “I should forewarn you, Gilda, you’re a... controversial character and some of the peeps may not like you at first. If that happens, let me do the talking.”
“The enemy will be subdued," Julien barked out. "With candy and cute ponies!”
“Are you counting yourself in that group, honey?” Cadance asked with a smile. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was Cadance and not Linda.
“No, the cute ones are pink, darling.”
“Pink and yellow," I corrected without thinking.
See, what I had MEANT was that Fluttershy and Apple Bloom were designed to appeal to the Daaaw aspects of human psychology, both invoking a strong protective instinct and making us just want to hugsnuggle them. But from Erishy's blush, I realized that Julien had meant the OTHER meaning of cute, as in sexually appealing, and oh flark Shining Armor had just called me hot. IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE.
“...Fahn. Ah’m cute. Ah get it," Ian grumbled. "Moven on.”
I silently thanked my brother for sparing me the wrath of an alicorn.
“I dunno, honey, I think a certain soldier may qualify too,” Cadance quipped.
“Character." Gilda tapped her beak, giving me an odd look. "There’s that word again.”
Oh right, I had promised to explain that to her. “Relative fictionality. Basically, from their viewpoint you’re a storybook character that hopped out of a book. But you’re real too," I quickly assured her, "so don’t have an existential crisis, okay?”
The griffon paused, narrowing her eyes at me. “Wait. So what did they see, exactly? In this, book thing?”
“Ah..."
Skreeping flarking ratzors...
"...technically, all the main characters are ponies....” I offered hesitantly.
“They saw the one visit to Ponyville, Gilda, but with me here..." Erishy sighs. "Well the main reason why some of them get upset with you is because you yelled at me, which is stupid, I mean I was in your way and everything.”
Did she really just.... “Shy? Just...” I rubbed my forehead, realizing that a rip-off bandaid approach might be best. “Nevermind, that works.”
“....Let’s keep going.”
The broken griffon had her face turned away from us, but even so the pain in her voice was remarkably evident. I could sympathize; to have an entire world judge you based on one event was, in its own way, worse then being considered just a bouncy pink pony without a care in the world. I couldn't just let her suffer... I had to help her out somehow.
“...a lot of them assumed you were, um... had a thing for Dash,” I offered.
“Drop it.”
“...hey, they redeemed Nightmare Moon," I said cheerfully, "you... probably... I’m making this worse, aren’t I.”
“Hey, you bunch of emotional layabouts!" Julien opted to distract Gilda from her depression by telekineticly shoving her up to the lead of our group. "Front and center, door!”
“For the record I fucking loved that episode and how you acted in it," Ginny offered. "Aside from the yelling at Shy thing.”
Gilda sighed, clearly not willing to get out of her funk, and rapped at the door. “Trick or treat.”
None of us were prepared for what lay beyond. The creature that greeted us bore a scraggly bramble upon its face, its breath reeking of alcohol and hatred. The beady brown eyes under its black helm swung over us in fury, thick fingers clenching into powerful fists. But most horrific of all was the sigil branded onto its slightly ragged chest cloth, simple and yet speaking of an ideal so perverse that it drove right to my core. Two copies of two letters each, arranged in alternating style.
P. A. P. A.
“...and this is the part where we run!” I cried, backing off quickly.
“I’m a griffon. Fuck off.”
....yeah, okay, maybe it was a bit stupid of Gilda to say that. But right then, right there, she stood between us and... well, a middle-aged drunk, yeah, but trust me! It was a lot more badass than it sounds!
“Yew..." The man narrowed his eyes. "Yer not ah pony?”
Gilda gave him a slow nod. “Give me your candy and I will make sure no pony comes to your door. Fair deal?”
I facehooved at that. Even though she made it sound badass, I couldn't help but realize that in CONTEXT it was just plain weird.
“Shoot, sounds good nuff fer me." The man dumped a bunch of multicolored packages into Gilda's bag, some of which I'm pretty sure didn't contain candy but... other things. "Yew griffuns ain’t bad as dem ponies.”
“There we go." Gilda waves him back inside, shutting the door. "Go back to sleep.”
It took me a moment to realize we survived that. It took me another moment to realize, yes, I wasn't delusional. I was in fact still alive. Erishy smiled at the turn of events skipping merrily about. However, because of my shock and her close-eyed expression, she ended up accidentally pinning me again.
“Wait." Julien held out a hoof, keeping everyone else back. "I wanna see which one explodes first.”
I was aware of her awkward breath upon my face, her mane dripping across my cheek, those stealthy mossgreen eyes widening in endearing embarrassment, the heat spreading across my face... “Ahahaha....?”
Erishy blinked. Then, suddenly registering the situation, she scrambled away, turning her head toward the sky innocently. "Oops!"
“Get a room you two,” Gilda groaned.
“You’re one to talk,” I muttered as I stood up and brushed myself off. “Stinking up the place with--”
“Pinkie!”
I flinched at Cadance's reprimand. “ARGH STUPID BRAIN SHUT UP! Right. Candy? Candy.” Trying to control my furiosuly blushing face, I marched down the road. “We all like candy. Candy is nice.”
“Shut up, Pie.”
“Look, can I help it if Discord forced me to keep thinking of sex all the time?" I snapped. "No. I’m trying to hold back, okay?”
“...Discord?” Gilda gave me an odd look... at which point I realized she didn't have her human to give her access to the references that I was making.
“Yup. God of chaos and master of annoying the hell out of us himself, apparently has decided to turn Pinkie into a perv," Julien explained. "So now we have two pervy pink ponies.” Cadanc'e didn't let that pass without comment, swatting lightly at him, but there was a bit of a smile on her face.
“Ah’m tryen tah childproof mah mind fer when this Apple Bloom pony gets out," Ian grumbled, "can ya’ll NOT do that?”
I approached a door, raising my hoof eagerly. “Trick or tre--” Then I noticed the sign of doom... the sign that said, simply, NO CANDY. With a shrug, I turned away.
Gilda took to the madness... like most people take to madness. By ignoring it. “So, what’re your stories?”
“I was a computer repairperson then I woke up as Fluttershy, drove here with Julien, kinda became just Erishy along the way." The lace fairy shrugged. "Nothing exciting.”
“Mah brother woke up as Pinkie, Ah agreed tah drive him up ta new York, we picked up these four,”--Ian waved at the humans and princesses in our group--"on tha way, then we met up with Erishy... AFTER she got shot.”
“That is a pertinent detail,” Harold said, giving the suddenly very quiet pegasus a look.
“Yesterday mornen, Linda turned inta Cadance, and taday, well...” Ian waved a hoof at his face with a roll of his eyes.
“Ian Bloom, front and center!” Julien smirked, leaning into Cadance as my brother shot him an annoyed look. “Maybe we should throw him at the door, instead of having him knock. Think he would squeak?”
“...Really?”
I considered defending my brother against the blatant emasculation. Pinkie, however, was quicker on the draw. “Hey. Caaaaandy.”
“Really?”
In the end, I had to concede that the baker had a point. “Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaandiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie.”
Yeah Reid! You're the cool guy!
I'm a hybrid nerdgeek that just happened to have a cute face. Cool is not what I am.
Nerdgeeks don't walk a mile to the trainstation.
Fine, I'm a cowboy nerdgeek. Let me have my delusions of insanity.
“....fahn....” Resigned to his horrific fate, Ian slumped his head, adjusted his cap, and walked up to the door. His hoof rapped unenthusiatically against it. “Trick or treat...”
Behind door number three was one of those old grandmotherly types carrying a massive bowl of colored edible trinkets. You know the one, the small loving woman who happens to be made of wrinkles. For those of you that are anti-wrinkle, I just want you to know that this woman right her, in addition to a huge number of senior citizens, pulled it off. It's all in the eyes.
No seriously, it's all in the eyes. No matter how quote unpretty unquote your other features are, it's the eyes that make it all work. I have seen stunning models turn hideous because they narrowed their eyes. And I have seen travesties of nature be the most adorable things with those pleading faces. And if it doesn't have eyes it's automatically cute in my book.
The old woman broke into a wide, happy grin. “Oh my, you are just... The most adorable thing. What is your favorite type of candy, dear?”
“Ah don’t actually--”
“She likes it all!” I interrupted quickly, deciding to exploit the daww for maximum profit. What can I say, I've got a sweet tooth. And a healthy tooth. Okay, let's just say I have a bottomless stomach.
Ian gave me a sideways glance, clearly not convinced of my brilliance. “....would that actually work?”
The woman chuckled, giving me a mock glare. “Well I have to save some for the other children, but here is some candy.” She delicately dropped a share of solidified sugar into Ian's bag, before going around the group and ensuring that everybody with a loot bag got some. Was it wrong of me to quietly wish that one of the cosplayers had diabetes so I could take their candy? Yes. Yes it was. BUT I CAN'T HELP IT.
“We thank you most graciously for your donation,” I said with an elegant bow.
“Yeah, it’s mighty nice of ya to--”
Midway through his thanks, Ian was wrapped in a tight hug by the grandmotherly woman. This was a rather unexpected development but, in keeping with his militaristic marching band training, he expertly knocked her out and hid her in the bushes.
....no, really!
...No?
No.
Okay, fine, I was lying about that. All he really did was sort of awkwardly accept that he was being hugged because it wasn't anything threatening. Also Gilda was humming some song I didn't recognize.
“Aw, that's very nice," Erishy cooed. "We do have to go though, Ma’am, I’m sorry.”
Nothing happened.
Honestly, that was worrying me a bit. “...Ma’am...?” I stepped forward, intent on prying my brother out of her dead arms if I had to and wait was she crying? She was crying for some reason.
Ian, trooper that he is, pulled out some chloroform and--okay, he didn't do anything, actually. But he was very aware this was unusual.
“...you know... um..." Ginny rubbed the back of her neck. "We’re on this big cross country trip and, uh, we’re running low on drivers...”
With utter silence, my brother communicated his distaste for the idea that we invite crazy people to join us.
“My son... He watched you ponies all the time.” The old woman set my brother down finally, composing herself. “He said it helped with his depression... He even got a job after he got into it, really turned his life around...”
Wait. Used to? Past tense? But FiM had only two seasons--oh dear lord. Suddenly ashamed I had ever suspected her of wrongdoing, I stepped forward and gently wrapped my forelegs around the old woman. Ian moved to join me, tears entering his own eyes.
Erishy glanced between us and the singing griffon. “What happened to him?” she asked quietly.
“After... all this started.... a pegasus filly, I think her name was Archer? She came through town and... those PAPA people... he pushed her out of the way of their car and...” The woman couldn't bring herself to say any more. She didn't need to though. We could connect the dots.
Jackie joined the hug silently. Julien's head hung low, remembering a fallen comrade. “Ma’am, I wish there was something we could do to help, I am sorry for your loss.”
Erishy and Gilda had moved off a bit. Ginny was looking between them and the rest of us uncertainly.
“...Too many of us are only focused on the Harmony bearers," Harold said suddenly. "I’ll send a message to EQD and ask them to ask everyone to help anypony they find... and remember the people who did.” He pulled out his smartphoone and began tapping away.
There was silence for a bit.
“...You are all headed towards New York?” the old woman finally managed.
Julien nodded. “Correct.”
“Could I... Could I come with you? I want to try and have my son’s ashes spread at sea by a pegasus.”
“Ma’am...." I said. "...It would be our honor.”
After a moment I gave an awkward cough. “Although right now we’re trying to convince the populace not to panic because the princesses have gone missing by engaging in normal activities in defiance of the terror that would grip the country and I’m shutting up now.”
The old woman chuckled at my rambling, writing down her phone number and giving it to Julien. “When are you all flying out? So I can meet you at the airport.”
Ian backed off awkwardly. “We’re... driving, actually.”
“Well that sounds difficult," the old lady commented with a smile. "Why not fly?”
I held up my hoof to explain... before realizing there really wasn't a good reason. “....that’s actually a good question.”
“It had been out of the question due to funds," Julien explained. "We don’t have the money to buy that many tickets.”
“And..." Jackie backed off, gesturing awkwardly at Cadance. "Some of the airports don’t actually serve....”
“Well. Nathan’s life insurance money might as well go towards something he would have wanted.” She took a breath, before giving us a firm look. “Please come back when you are done with your public awareness campaign, and we will get this all sorted.”
“Nathan..." I nodded. "What a fitting name for someone who gave so much. We’ll be back at... what, eightish?”
“Certainly. This will really be a great help, thank you ma’am,” Julien said with a regal bow.
The old woman chuckled, lifting his face up. “I am doing it for Nathan, no need to thank me. Have a wonderful night.” She shut the door quietly on our stunned faces.
“...wow...." I managed finally. "Um. Just... wow.” There really wasn't anything else to say.
“What happened?” Erishy asked, apparently having been too absorbed with Gilda to notice the whole drama.
“I think we are going to be flown to New York,” Julien said, still a little surprised by the turn of events.
“Because one man stood up for a little filly...” Cadance whispered in awe.
“Um. No. Nonono." Gilda backed away, waving her talons. "You know what they have at airports? Guards. With guns. GUNS.”
I sighed, turning the the griffon sympathetically. “This has something to do with you getting shot, doesn’t it?”
“Well excuse me. When was the last time you got shot? Huh!? Did you ever feel your blood gush out of you and have nobody to blame for it but yourself? HUH?” Gilda was trying desperately to make her episode look like pure rage, but the panic on her face and her hyperventilation made it very clear she was terrified of the things.
I wrapped my forelegs around her quickly, tightening and projecting a calming influence. It's an Earth Pony thing. “I don’t like guns either... If you like, some of us can stay behind and just drive to New York with you.”
“We won’t let you get hurt Gilda," Erishy added with a smile. "You are our friend.”
“...Friend?”
“Well, at the very least you’re a fellow frightened fantasy character, so there.” I stuck my tongue out for the briefest of moments, before once more becoming serious. “We’re here for you.”
She looked at me a bit guiltily, glancing away. “I REALLY don’t think we should fly there.”
"Well alright! We still have a lot of trickortreating to do before we have to make plans!" I jumped off. "Let's get to it!"
Wait a minute, how did Gilda know airport security had guns?
We shall skip over the trick or treating that followed.
Look, I know you want to know all about what happened and the whole bit where Gilda threw candy to the orphans and how we spontaneously reenacted the end of the Lord of the Rings trilogy with those hobbits and why we ended up with that canoe but really, as fun as it all was... it just doesn't have the impact needed to be considered part of this story. Maybe I'll make it a side story, okay? It was pretty crazy.
In fact, I'm just going to skip ahead to the hotel. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!
****
Gilda was rather aggravated, growling as she searched through what little stuff she had on her. That actually surprised me a bit, that she had anything at all considering she had nothing when we first met. I floated over, looking over her shoulder--
I say floated, but actually Pinkie and I had figured out how to use the hand-shaped braids of our tail as basically a Wallmaster and spent the latter portion of the day mimicking Midna's method of transportation. It was crazy, right? Walking on our tail. That's earth ponies for ya. Or maybe just Pinkie, I'm not sure.
Anywho, I sort of tail-walked-floated over to Gilda, curious where she had gotten the items. After munching on some random candies from my basket--I had finally convinced Pinkie that chocolate should be pushed aside for different flavors whenever possible--I took a moment to examine Gilda's expression. "You need any help?"
"Unless you can magically pull Cale up from the depths of whatever hell he's in, NO!."
"Well, I don't think he's that deep," I mused. "You knew about airport security, after all. I'd suggest either meditation or hitting your head against that wall there." Gilda snarled at me, clearly mistaking my suggestion as a threat. I held my hooves up in a placating gesture.
Up till this point, Mrs. Buzzy stood sentinel on the windowsill, musing over her relationship with Figment, while Erishy had been conversing with Julien. Finally, though, she gave him a brief hug and walked over to us. "So Shining says that it would be best if you two came with him to the lady's house, and I can start preparing for the trip, putting the vehicles into storage, um..."
She caught sight of the wrath on Gilda's face.
"...are you okay?"
"Perfectly fine. Pinkie just told me to ram my head into the wall."
"Suggested," I clarified. "Not told. I also suggested meditation. Or talking to a mirror, that could work."
"Ah might just take ya up on that suggestion," Ian commented, walking in wearing one of the new ensembles Jackie had crafted for him. "This whole foal thang is gettin' on mah nerves... not tah mention tha accent."
"I hear ya bro," I agreed with a nod. "It only gets weirder from here on out though. Especially when you talk with your pony partner--griffon partner in Cale's case, although Cale's... not... here... this metaphor is labored so I'm eating candy. OH! By the way, I got a facebook message for you Ian!" I handed my iPad over.
Yeah, apparently Sweetie Belle was wandering around New York already and had sent a brief message to us. Who'da thunk it, eh?
"Well... that is less mean," Erishy conceded. "If you want, I could help you with meditation, Gilda."
Gilda huffed, averting her eyes. "Seriously, I'm sure he's perfectly fine. No need to be so concerned for someone so completely useless. Can we please just move on? Maybe talk about our plans, devour our massive stashes of ca- no wait, you probably ate it already, Pie. Talk about our plans...?"
"Give me some credit," I grumbled, "I have some restraint."
"Way Ah see it, we need ta figure who's flyen' and who's driven'."
Once again, Ian proved himself to be the reasonable member of the party. I gave him a thankful nod before listing off the data points in my head. "Gilda's staying grounded, and if she gets Cale back she can drive. I'd suggest leaving Julien and Linda in the cars cause royal flights are expensive. Plus Julien can drive the modified car. That leaves the ground crew needing one human... two if Gilda doesn't reconnect with her worldly self."
Ah'm taken tha plane," Ian informed us. "Figure Ah can get a little enjoyment outta this thang..."
"Hmph. You know what?" Gilda crossed her forelegs. "I refuse to connect with Cale. He's nothing but trouble."
"Oh so you can't handle a little trouble, Gilda?" I said sweetly. "You can't handle a little irritation? Shame. I understand your phobia of guns, but I never realized you were an out and out coward."
"Are ya really aggravating tha predator?" Ian asked me, worry apparent in his voice.
"Yes. Yes I am." I rotated around, still balanced on the hand-braids of my tail, and gave Erishy a small smile. "If you really want to ride a plane, I can stay with the ground crew--"
Gilda turned and snarled at me, her face contorting into pure rage. "TROUBLE? TROUBLE? HOW ABOUT YOU DEAL WITH SOMEONE WHO BREAKS YOUR LEGS, PIE. OR MAYBE SOMEONE WHO BREAKS SHY'S WINGS? HUH? HOW DO YOU THINK IT FEELS?"
I dropped to my hooves, turning to her with no humor on my face. "There once was a mare that covered the land in eternal night. And I forgave her. I'll protect my friends, Gilda, but I'm strong enough to trust that I can change my foes."
"Did--Did you honestly just compare Cale to Nightmare Moon? Really?" The griffon pounded her chest. "What does that make me, Luna? Are you going to banish me to the bloody moon, Celestia? Huh? HUH?"
I took the moment to shove some sweets into her beak as an attempt to make peace. "Go talk with Shy, kay?" We both knew that the pegasus probably better at dealing with this sort of thing then I could be, but Gilda snarled at me anyway, storming off into another room with Erishy.
This left me alone with Ian. Well, the royals and the cosplayers were off to the side, but whatever they were talking about didn't involve us.
"...so how are you holding up?"
"...could be better," Ian admitted. "Ah'm a bit short fer mah liking." He tapped his bow. "And thar's... that."
"Yeah." I nodded. "I only got the equipment switch, not the.... rewind. I mostly handled it as well as I did by basically just moving on."
"...Moven' on?"
"I dunno. It just didn't click. Or maybe it did. I've been... wow, I've been incredibly passive about this whole thing." I rubbed the back of my head. "I mean, it happened and then up I go! Huh. I dunno, maybe I just... never really..."
...why didn't I freak out, anyway?
"Whatever. Point is, I feel ya man."
"....That sounds so wrong with that voice."
"Said the moepony."
"Touche." Ian gave me back my iPad. "So, just outta curiousitay, how do Ah--how does Apple Bloom know this Sweetie Belle pony?"
"You two and another filly are founding members of a club devoted to finding your cutie mark."
"Gotcha."
I was browsing through my sites as I spoke. "Also, Applejack is your older sister--I think you got that--and your eldest sibling is Big Macintosh. And you all live with Granny Smith on your farm and oh my gosh this is hilarious."
"What? What is it?"
"There's this guy writing a fanfic about this whole situation, but he says he turned into Opal!" I cracked up laughing. "Oh my gosh. Llama mafia? Really? Total crackfic."
"Opal?"
"Rarity's cat."
"How are ya sure that it ain't real?"
"He put this disclaimer on the front. 'This is not a factual event, but it is inspired by the rash of ponifications happening right now.' Hilarious."
"What's going on?" Cadance asked, trotting in.
"Reid here found a crackfic based on this whole thang." Ian rolled his eyes. "Honestly. What kinda psychotic daranged asshole can take this thang so casually..."
Harold shrugged, taking a seat. "Well, people adapt."
"Understatement of the year," Ginny quipped.
We all stood around staring at each other for a moment or two since we really didn't have any idea where to take the conversation. It happens sometimes.
...hey maybe I should tell a scary story!
Yeah sure, Pinkie, that could be something.
"So... you guys want to hear about Little Leafhopper?"
Ian gave me a look. "Who's Little Leafhopper?"
Pinkie smirked.
****
“...so then I looked up. And there. It. Was.” Pinkie nodded. “THE CEILING FAN.”
....Pinkie, that story made so little sense that if I ever write memoirs about this whole event I'm just going to make sure it doesn't go in.
Awwwww. I thought it was terrifying!
Everyone in the room was giving us an odd look.
Erishy glanced around as she walked back in. "I must have missed something. So how is the planning going?" GIlda walked in after her, a little unsteady on her paws.
"Weeeeeeeeell..." I shuffled my hooves guiltily. "It... hasn't happened any further then what you know."
"Oh..." Erishy looked around the room and shrugged. "Well I think so far it sounds like Gilda, Cadence, Shining, Pinkie and one or two humans will drive, but Cadence and Shining could fly."
"I can't drive," I pointed out.
"Neither can Jackie," Ginny quipped.
"Oh come on!"
The Fluttershy cosplayer shot her friend a flat look. "Remember when we first met?" The actual Fluttershy simply gave a confused look around the room.
Gilda held up a talon. "Wait, driving?"
"It's what the humans call the act of operating a motor vehicle," Cadance supplied helpfully.
GInny crossed her arms, giving the alicorn a flat look. "I'm a fan and all, but I'm a little freaked out that Linda isn't back yet..."
"Um, right..." Cadance smiled apologetically, leaning away. "I promise I'll get her back before bedtime."
"Right..." Gilda shook her head. "Then."
"So..." Erishy held up a hoof. "Jackie would fly with us?"
"I'm not that bad of a driver," Jacqueline grumbled.
"I was showering and you came through the wall," Ginny deadpanned.
"I only had a permit back then!"
"It was on the SECOND FLOOR!"
"I've gotten better!"
Harold raised an eyebrow. "Marginally." That earned him an irate glare, which he took without comment.
Gilda rolled her eyes. "Listening to you guys talk makes me feel like someone is walking over my grave."
"It's called banter," Erishy explained. "I'm terrible at it too."
I gave her a sly smirk. "I already knew you were bad at driving..." She flinched at that, unfortunately, which mad my own throat catch. I'd only meant to tease her a little bit, not...
"So that's Shy, Ian, and Jackie definitely going on the plane," Cadance listed, "and probably Ginny because she's Shy's number one fan. Me and Shiny on the ground with Gilda... and Harold, because we need a driver."
I nodded, keeping myself distracted from my faux pas. "And since our elderly patron will probably fly, I'll stick with the ground crew."
Gilda nodded, glancing around at her car companions.. "Sounds fair."
"So Gilda and the rest will get there a day later?" Erishy clarified. "Should give me time to start organizing and trying to get in contact with the princesses."
"...I guess? " I shrugged, smiling at her awkwardly. I dunno, I'm terrible with schedules."
"Let's split our stuff up," Ian suggested, walking towards the parking lot. "Check ta make sure all tha stuff you have is going with ya."
"I'll go with you," Cadance offered, walking after him. "You're... kind of short now and somebody could run you over by accident."
Ian sighed and nodded, and they both stepped outside. Erishy shrugged, turning to our resident predator. "You just have Cale's stuff right? I could show you to the car so you can decide which vehicle to ride in."
"Actually, with the way things are set up, she's going to need to learn how to drive." Harold stood up, walking after the two who had just headed outside. "I'll move everything from the van to Ian's car so I can teach her."
I shuddered in fear and disgust. "Driving. How normal people do it I'll never know... I tried once, but... it was... wrong." Really there's no other way to explain it, I have never been able to get a grip on cars. There's no connection, not even the basic one. It's too... grshriknera, you know? I mean--
I'm rambling, sorry, where were we?
"...You want me to drive?" Gilda stared at the man as though he were crazy.
"You have hands." Harold glanced back. "Talons. You can grip the wheel."
Gilda glanced at her appendages and shrugged. "And that's a good reason in what world?"
"Hey! Let me show you something." Erishy galloped to her backpack and pulled out her laptop, dragging it over to Gilda gripped awkwardly between her forehooves. Opening a browser, she pulled up a video of someone driving a fancy car of some kind. "That's what driving a car is like. There is a speed limit but you get to guide this huge machine on the road, and if you can drive then you can help out the others, letting them rest. I drive a lot and let me tell you, it is really wonderful when someone can take over to let you rest. It would mean a lot to us if you could help."
Harold nodded. "Also, apparently Pinkie can't drive. And between Linda and Cadance... one is still getting used to her body, and the other probably wouldn't have a clue. You though. You have the eagle eye, the instinct to keep that car safely on the road. Trust me, you'll need it."
"Eagle instinct, eh?" Gilda rolled her eyes and looked about, eventually flicking her wings in a resigned gesture. "Fine. I don't even know if Cale knows how to drive."
Erishy chuckled as she crammed her laptop back into the bag. "Who is going to meet with the lady? I'm assuming that Shining would want to, you Pinkie?"
"Well..." I tapped my chin thoughtfully. "We should all meet up and explain why we're splitting up. That sound okay?"
"Okay, let me get Shining." Erishy trotted off....
....leaving me alone with Gilda. Don't ask me where Jackie and Ginny were, I have no idea.
An idea snuck into my head, one that could not be ignored. I glanced around the room cautiously, making sure that nobody else was around.
"...so, um, Gilda." My hoof brushed against the ground. "Just... out of completely random no I'm not telling you the real reason curiosity... have you ever... you know, been in a romantic relationship?"
She gave me an odd look, as if to stare into the depths of my soul with her intense peering avian gaze. Her proud form lurked over me with intent, intent perhaps to kill, to maim...!
"...Not particularly. Don't see many griffons."
...or maybe just to respond. Wow, griffons can be scary.
"Ohm well then. Yeah. Okay." I nodded, glancing away.
"Alright." She tilted her head. "Why did you ask?"
I decided to try to shift the conversation a different way. "I think you should go out and have Harold teach you to drive."
She stared at me curiously for a moment. "Why?"
"BECAUSE REASONS."
Gilda lidded her eyes. "The reasons are?"
Erishy walked back in, Shining beside her. "You two okay?"
Oh no, not this! Okay, um... "Hey there Shy we were just talking about Gilda's most embarrassing secret." BRILLIANT!
Gilda blinked. "...Secret?"
"You should be happy Applejack isn't here," Shining quipped, taking a seat as the rest of the group filed back in. "So. Take the floor, pinkie. What's up?"
"Well, you know...." I waved a vague hoof. "Things. And stuff. And birds--OHMYGOSH SHY YOU NEED TO TALK TO A PIGEON."
"Pinkie..." Gilda twitched as she focused on me. "Tell me what my secret is..."
I petulantly stuck my tongue out. "No. It's secret."
"PIE! Tell me already, dang it!" GRIFFONS CAN BE SCARY!
I backed up against a wall. "...I..." thinkthinkthinkthink... "...actually don't know."
Her eyes remained wide for a moment. Then she growled and turned away.
Erishy looked from her to me with her piercing gaze. "So, if Gilda doesn't have a secret... what's your secret, Pinkie?"
My teeth clenched as sweat began to form on my brow. She'd almost seen through my clever ruse. I had to think of something to say, something that would distract her....
"....I am actually a big fan... of cats."
Yes. That would work. Right?
Erishy rose a curious eyebrow, totally oblivious of my bungled attempt to ask Gilda for romantic advice. In retrospect, not my smartest idea. I mean... Gilda, you know?
There was an awkward moment when the conversation stalled again.
Julien...Shining finally shifted. "Well. Go ahead and explain the plan."
I nodded in gratitude at his topic starter. "We all drive over to our benefactor's house, and explain why we're splitting up. Then you, your semiwife, Gilda, me, and Harold continue the road trip while everybody else flies."
"Great. I'm packed, as is Shy. I think we are ready to go." Julien gave me a sly smirk. "This will be the last chance to get in some good hugs, take advantage of it."
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...."
Erishy shot me a look, glancing back at the floor with a blush. While everybody else chattered and chitted, she stepped awkwardly sideways toward me. "Hey."
"....hey," I squeaked back, suddenly aware that I was still in my extremely revealing Halloween outfit. "Uh... I... think I should, uh... maybe wash off this paint and get dressed before wegosoI'mgoingtodothatnowbye!"
I gave her a brief hug before shooting up to the bathroom and turning on a cold, cold, COLD shower.
Oh geeze oh geeze oh GOD what do I do what do I do what do I do?!
I dunno! I've never been in this situation!
I've never dated at all Pinkie! I don't know what to do here!
Neither do I!
What are we going to do?!?!
I DON'T KNOW!
STOP PANICKING! I'M THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO PANIC!
WE'RE SHARING THE SAME BODY WHEN YOU PANIC I PANIC!
DON'T SAY THAT!
WHY?!?!?
THAT'S SOMETHING I WOULD SAY!
BUT IT'S ALSO... something...
We shut off the water silently.
....My... my name is Reid. I am a social recluse with a powerful imagination and, and a large family. Eldest son.
...yeah. Yeah that's you. I'm Pinkie. You're Reid. I'm silly and friendly and... know about rock farming. Youngest daughter...
...yeah.
Yeah.
We nodded, stepping out of the bathroom and toweling ourselves dry.
*****
I walked into the parking lot, fully clothed and taking a steadying breath. With a single glance I could see that everyone had already hopped into a vehicle... well, almost everyone.
My hooves took me up next to the pegasus, and I allowed myself another deep breath of air. "We sharing a car again?"
Erishy drooped a bit, keeping her eyes on her hooves. "You... don't have to... I could take Shining and Cadance... you should go with the rest." Her voice was barely audible.
I sighed, inwardly berating myself for handling the whole situation so stupidly. "...hey, this is the last time we'll be together till we hit New York. Awkward emotions aside, I'm not letting you sit in that car alone." My face flushed a bit, but I decided to press on. "You are my friend at the very least.... and, um, I'm still figuring out the rest."
"Yeah... I guess I'm driving then..." She hopped into her car, buckling up and wiggling the wheel. "I'll try really hard to be safe... I promise."
"I'm just really sensitive to acceleration," I assured her quietly, walking around and hopping into my own seat. "That's all."
How are you all doing? Sorry for not updating for a while, I've been recovering a bit. Running a convention is a little bit harder then I thought! Still... wow. One whole year since all this craziness...
Now, a lot of things happened at the anniversary convention and if you watch the news at all you'll know about some of it. I considered making a story out of all that buuuuut after talking it over with my friends--Dash especially--we all decided to hold off until our memoirs are completed. This is for multiple reasons: One, there are technically spoilers. Two, we're kinda reaching crunch time with the memoirs themselves, where we'll have to work together a lot more then we did before to make sure we're at least half accurate. Three, well, some ponies are embarrassed about their convention shenanigans... please please please don't ask about the out of order panic booth. And four, well... it's kind of dang hard.
But there's some good news! Macintosh has agreed that he'll write some of his experiences for you all to read! Now, he actually WASN'T ever fused with a human--there was a guy on the radio pretending to be him, but that's it. So he doesn't actually have an account on FiMfic to publish this on. We're still working out where his story will end up.... but hey, there'll be a view of what was going on in Ponyville during all this mess! So, there's that to look forward too... oh! And the moon base Earthside, keep track of that cause it is AWESOME we're finally doing something there. Yaaaay!
Anyway, just wanted to give you all an update and an apology. This is Pinkie Pie, or possibly Reid Priddy. Whoooo knoooooows?
Erishy drove the car out of the parking lot, slowly heading down the street towards the old lady's house. "So... how are you both doing?"
"Me and Pinkie? Or me and Reid?" I giggled a bit at the joke, before taking a moment to prod at my own thoughts and assemble a proper answer. "We're... well, I dunno, we're okay. If you're asking how our mind is... I don't know how to put it. We're syncing but separate, I guess?" My eyes darted toward the cosplayer van behind us. "Do you think Cadance and Linda will... are they going to be alright, do you think?"
"I think they need to learn to respect each other, but I also think that Linda needs a guiding force, someone that can take charge, to make her feel secure." Erishy nodded, keeping her eyes on the road as we drove along. "Cadance can do that, I'm sure." She glanced at me cautiously. "Are you worried about Ian?"
I shrugged. "He moved out of the house before I did, he's got a console, and he reigns over a small empire of cats. With a roommate, true, but he was doing fine before this. If he'd been caught up early I'd be worried but as is... I think he'll handle himself and Apple Bloom pretty well. I don't...."
I couldn't help but sigh as I realized how callous that sounded.
"I don't usually worry... about people or things. Is that bad?"
"Well, you could learn how to," she assured me as we pulled into the old lady's driveway. "You just have to find a reason to care."
"Oh it's not that I don't care," I clarified. "It's just... I don't worry."
Erishy leaned back in her seat, contemplating my odd statement as she relaxed and waited for the others to pull up. "Ever been homeless?"
"No and yes," Pinkie replied, grinning mischievously. "Guess which is which."
Eirshy turned to us with a half smile. "Pinkie has been, I'm pretty sure. Right?"
"...good guess," Pinkie admitted.
I sighed, taking over my speech again. "Look... I want to make this clear. I don't actually worry about things I can't change... usually. I worry sometimes but it's... not something I control you know?"
"I know," Erishy said, smiling gently as she put a reassuring hoof on my own. "It's okay. I need to stop worrying in general."
I considered her words, carefully plucking over my own reply. "I think it's less you need to stop worrying and more you need to stop... being chained by your worries."
She glanced down to where our hooves meet, swiftly pulling hers away. "Y... yeah."
We sat there in silence for a while. I wasn't exactly sure what was taking the others too long, traffic maybe.
After a moment, I cleared my throat. "....sooooooo. Um. We're all going to sleep here tonight... right?"
Erishy looked at my awkward smile and sighed. "I don't think so. With everything packed, I think we will fly out tonight, and you all will drive to the next city." She shrugged, her feathers shifting subtly. "Time is of the essence, you know?"
I fidgeted a bit, glancing away. "Well... if you think that's best... You'll e-mail me when you land, right?" I added, not entirely sure why.
She smiled. "Sure." We traded contact details.
Then we sat quietly for a bit.
This time, it was Erishy that broke the silence. "So... Gilda is probably learning to drive."
I shrugged. "Or remembering. I... like I said, me and vehicles don't talk."
I stared at her. "Sure they do! I mean, a lot of people say animals don't talk but you can talk to animals, right? Same thing here!" My hoof gave a few empathatic pats to the armrest.
At this point the cosplayer careened into the driveway, parking with a jolt. I winced as... Cadance? Or possibly Linda opened the door and stumbled out of the car. Gilda hopped out, giving her a look and saying something I couldn't quite hear. I rolled down the window and waved as the Pinkiemobile pulled up. Soon enough we were all gathered, exchanging some joking conversation.
"Right, so as I understand it the plan is you and... you?"
My hoof moved from Shining Julian Armor to Cadance questioningly. The alicorn sighed. "No, Linda's not back yet."
"Right, well." I nodded, shrugging. "Those two will go on a date while the rest of us set up a sleepover and hash out tomorrow with the old lady. Am I wrong?"
Ginny gave me an odd look. "No.... I thought that we all knew the plan?"
"I like confirming things," I explained casually. My brother/sister rolled her/his eyes
Julian Armor of the Shining walked off with his date for the night, taking over the modified car and driving off for a night of presumably steamy shenanigans and action sequences that would become a best seller at the box office. The rest of us wandered up to the house, ready to talk with our elderly patron. Ess. Person.
At my polite knock, the door opened and the grandmortherly woman smiled upon our multicolored collection. "Please, come inside, it's so nice to see you all." She stepped aside, leading us to the main room covered in pillows and sofas and taking a seat by the fireplace.
Ian, recognizing that he/she was kind of the reason the old lady was taking us in at all, stepped in after her. "Thank ya kindly fer setting us up on tha plane. Um... would it be okay if we stayed tha night?"
"Gilda, don't make me push you in there," I whispered quietly. "I will do it, and it will be embarrassing for you." The griffon snarled at me as she entered, probably to establish some sort of dominance. I rolled my eyes and walked in after her.
"Well dear, I had thought that time would be important, so I figured we could fly out tonight." The old lady chuckled, shaking her head as Erishy attempted to subtly locate a seat. "Oh my, I didn't introduce myself. My name is Samantha Grent."
Ian shook her proffered hand politely. "Ah'm Ian. And... well, apparently there's been some planning complications..."
"Yeah, some members of our crew have legitimate Hoplophobia and can't stand to be in the terminal for very long," I explained as the cosplayers joined us, Harold shutting the door after him. "So, we decided to split the party, which is something I thought I'd never say."
Ginny giggled at that. Jackie just rolled her eyes.
Gilda began to walk away from the gathered collection, her tail swishing back and forth. Mrs. Grent raised an eyebrow. "Dearie, if you want something to do while we talk, my son's room is back there, feel free to use his computer. The password is axemurder, no spaces."
Ian got up and walked over to Gilda. "Come on let me show ya what many humans think is tha pinnacle of technology." The two of them wandered into the back of the house.
Mrs. Grent smiled and turned back to the rest of us, relaxing into her green velvet chair. "I think that we could still make it out tonight, even if we wait for your friends to be ready to leave. I could even give them the house keys so that they could stay here when we leave."
"That's... actually pretty reasonable," Jackie replied with a nod.
"The Key thing or the Axemurder thing?"
She gave me a look, despite the fact that it was Pinkie who had said that. "The keys. I'm sure Nathan had his reasons."
Ginny nodded. "Yeah, Harold should be able to hold onto the keys and keep the house safe till they return. He's one of my best students."
The elderly lady rolled over a wheeled dinner tray with a laptop on top, squinting at the screen."I'm packed, but it looks like the soonest I can get enough tickets would be for a ten pm flight, so we would have a while to wait. But we could sleep on the plane. I already have a hotel in new York City, booked, near that place all the ponies were told to go to." She looked over her glasses at the group. "How does that sound?"
Me and Erishy shared a signifigant look. This was it. This was the point where the music would be faced.
I steeled myself, taking a deep breath as I turned back to Mrs. Grent. "...Listen. We really do appreciate this. And that's why some of us are going with you... But... there are scared people out there, and I kind of promised to hold a... sort of press conference interview thing, I don't know the real term in this case. So, only the ladies here and the yellow ponies will be joining you on the plane. It's not because we don't appreciate this--we really do--it's just... as tragic as your son's death is, I've been forced into a sort of leadership role here and I've got to think of everyone. So... yeah. I'm... going to be staying behind...." I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly. "And... that's pretty much it, actually. Um."
"Don't sweat it, dear." The old lady smiled as her fingers clickclacked across the keyboard. "I'll go ahead and purchase the tickets for those of us who will be flying, the house key is on a hook in the kitchen."
I let out a breath, feeling my Element settle back into place as I mentally put Samantha Grent on my Cool Old Lady list. My eyes drifted toward Erishy; we shared another look, glad things were working out.
"You sure Ian will be okay without you?" she whispered.
"He lives on his own, he'll be..." I considered my words. "Okay, the filly thing might get to him, but I'm sure he'll be okay. I'm more worried about you, actually... although that's probably..."
I trailed off, realizing what I had been about to say. Once again, my pink coat hit my blush.
"So!" Pinkie suddenly said, sitting us up. "Anyway. Um. Miss Grent, just... what do you do, I mean, usually? I mean, it's hard to believe you're just a philanthropist." She giggled slightly. "Or would that be philequinest? Is it the target or the giver that counts here?" We ignored the strange look Ginny was giving us, trying to pretend we hadn't been that obvious.
Harold shrugged. "You're the pony, you should know."
"Well, I was a school teacher, and later on I became a professor of philosophy." The old lady smiled nostalgically. "What do you do in your pony world, dear? I do remember my son saying something about sweets."
"Well, I... do work at a bakery, confectionery shop," Pinkie allowed with a smile. My primary 'job' is actually more setting up parties for everypony. It's actually a lot more intensive then it sounds, you have to be ready to celebrate anything at the drop of a hat. Even a drop of a hat! But you also have to judge when a party is needed and when you just need to say something encouraging."
Ginny nodded at her words. "Judgment can be hard. I mean, I teach martial arts and for the longest time I couldn't figure out who was developing at what rate, I just put up monthly tests for each level. Harold here helped me with that."
"I used to be a green belt, but I thought I could jump the ranks." Harold shrugged casually. "So I took the test early, a test a week. Now I have a black belt in karate."
"I have a black belt in closet."
Everyone stared at Pinkie and me after I said that.
"You... what?" Jackie finally managed.
"...In my closet! That's... I have a black belt in my closet." My pink coat only did so much to hide our blush. "That is what I said. It's a belt and it's black."
Wow, you're terrible at innuendo.
I didn't even realize I said that Pinkie!
Erishy giggled, giving me a saucy look. "Black belt in closet, hmm?"
"So what's the dinner plan?" I asked, smoothly shifting the conversation.
"Well, we will have to leave for the airport very soon, in order to deal with the security issues we will have to face." Samantha stood, leaning on her cane cane and pulling a large suitcase from behind her chair. "We can get our food in the airport."
Erishy nodded. "My things are in the pinkie car, or Priddy car, um anyway I think we are ready to go."
"I'll go get Ian," Ginny offered, walking towards the mysterious computer room.
"That sounds good for you guys, but..." I rubbed the back of my head. "Me and Harold and Gilda are staying behind. Should I just raid your fridge or...?
"Oh of course, wouldn't want any of it to go bad while we are gone." Mrs. Grent chucklec, moving her luggage to the door, before turning to a coat rack to put on a coat. "Take anything you need, my dear. It's the least I can do."
The yellow pegasus turned to me, opening her mouth for a moment. Then she shut it, sighing and walking out the door. I took a breath, nervously staring at the doorway as I considered whether I should see what she had tried to say.
Jackie rolled her eyes. "Just go, it's obvious to everyone."
"Aheh heh... um..." My blush returned with a vengeance. I'm... just going to make sure she's okay, buddy system..."
Have you ever been unable to figure out what to say? Don't answer that. Seriously, don't, these are just words on a screen and answering them will make you seem crazy. Which isn't a bad thing, per say, but unless you have proper experience being crazy it can be a bit overwhelming.
So there I was, standing outside next to a yellow pegasus and not saying anything at all because whatever I wanted to say wasn't forming into workable words in my head. Some parts of it were, but I wanted to carefully construct whatever came out of my mouth; Erishy deserved that much, after all she'd been through, and... well. I was about to offer her help with the heavy bag of hers, but somehow she managed to open her mouth first.
"Relative fictionality." Concern held her face hostage. "It should make me feel better, it really should. I should be happy that we might be able to fix this..."
"This is a very vague word," I pointed out. "Are you referring to Discord, the mental merge, our potential relationship, the oil crisis, your car's hubcaps, my persistent insanity...?"
Erishy rolled her eyes, a small smile forming on her face. "In order; yes," duh, "kind of," understandable. "I'm too scared to address that," girl you have no idea, "that is something I've stopped worrying about because I don't think it would do any good," I have taught you well young padawan, "what the heck is wrong with the three hubcaps I have left?" Well, I know nothing about cars, I was just throwing that out. "Oh, and you aren't insane. Silly pony."
I decided not to violate her naivety by pointing out how my own neuroseses had begun an unholy breeding program with Pinkie's own forms of unique crazy and started to warp our logic into something comprehensible but utterly terrifying, instead focusing on a griffon who posed on a car for Ginny to photolize. "No matter what the crisis is, there's always one person who's willing to do a photoshoot."
Erishy smiled at that. "A spot of normalcy."
Samantha Grent rolled her luggage out the door, bringing it to the curb and looking at the photoshoot with some amusement. "The taxi should be here soon, all ready to go?" she asked as Jackie and Harold belatedly followed her. I noted their frazzled hair with some amusement, just barely keeping Pinkie from laughing.
Ian shrugged. "Let me get mah things... er..." His eyes drifted to the trunk latch, now too high for him to reach. "Ah may need help with that."
"I'll do it," I offered quickly, crawling into the car hatch and pulling out suitcases. "That's yours, that's mine, that's yours, that's yours, that's yours..." One by one I took out Ian's things for the trip ahead.
The trip without me.
....wow.
Gilda hopped off of the car. "So... What are these... round thingies on the car called again?" She poked a tire with her talon. I was going to answer her, but the taxi pulled up and distracted me. Black and white squares, why? What was the point? Couldn't they be blue and orange or something...
Erishy blushed a bit, trotting up to me. "Well," she whispered, "it looks like we are out of time." Her plaintive eyes lingered on mine.
Come on, kiss her! Or something! The ball's in your court, Reid, you've just gotta--
I took a deep breath, putting the last suitcase down as I crawled out of the hatch. I...
Nobody was looking.
Quick as a flash I closed the distance, nuzzling Erishy gently. "Good luck." I... I can't say it. Not yet. Just as quickly, I pulled back.
Reid you are a total coward.
Pinkie, I am well aware of this.
"Thank you." Erishy looked at me as though she wanted to say something, but I could see the confidence fade just as it had in me. "I'll see you again, soon."
I looked around for something to break the awkward moment. The taxi driver opening the hatch at the back of his van, loading everything up... a random cat hopping across the lawns... Gilda poping a tire with her talons. Yeah, that should work. With a melodramatic sigh I turned to the griffon. "Mythbusters aside, Gilda, that's kind of what a car needs to drive. But hey, now Harold and I get to teach you how to change a tire!"
And then I caught sight of Ian, standing next to his last bag, and on a whime I pulled him into a hug. "Stay safe, bro."
He smiled back up at me and rolled his eyes, returning the hug. "Ah'll try."
"You two!" I jabbed a hoof at Jackie and Ginny as I released him. "Take care of my yellow ponies, got it!"
Ginny fired off a salute. "Will do, commander!"
"And I'll keep her in line," Jackie added, nudging her with a grin. "Missing you already Harold!"
"I'll try my best to survive without you," the big man rumbled. "It'll be difficult, but I'll try."
Soon enough everyone who was going was in the taxi. Me and Harold waved as they drove off to a building where they would wait for a while to get on a metal tube that zoomed around so fast it could fly on two relatively thin aluminum planks. Then we turned around to teach a mythical creature how to replace a rubber circle she just popped.
She popped the replacement, too.
I gave her a flat look. "Whatever Discord's bribing you with, it's a lie. Now stop being so petty and help change the tire." She pulls the spare out of the other car.
Gilda blinked, attempting to convince me she knew nothing about what I said. "What's a Dicksword?"
"A dicksword is the primitive predecessor to the primary weapon used by the characters in the fanfiction 'thirty H's'," I deadpaned. "Discord, on the other hoof, is a spirit of chaos and disharmony responsible for ponies and griffons suddenly being on the earth, usually appearing in the avatar form of a goat-headed mish mash of multiple animals. Lion's paw, eagle's talon, dragon's tail, things like that. Last night he visited me in a dream and I told him off. This morning you appeared, mysteriously healed and teleported quite a fair distance from your previous position, and have thus far tried to encourage us to stay away from New York. Somehow I have come to the astonishing conclusion these two events are related."
I pulled out a secondary spare tire, glowering at her. "I'm silly, not stupid."
Gilda shrugged, knowing that the jig was up. "Eh. I knew you knew. Was pretty damn obvious. What I can't figure out is why Discord would do that if he knew that you would know, which he would know, since he knows you, since he sent me here to delay you, which means that he wants me to be with you guys because he knows something that we don't that involves me being around, and or he's insane and messing with us and while he did know what we didn't know, he knew that we would quickly know what the reaction would be."
She paused, trying to stare at her own beak.
"...What the fuck did I just say?"
"I have no idea," Harold replied as he jacked up the car.
"What, you couldn't follow that?" Pinkie asked in astonishment. "It was entirely logical!"
I rolled my eyes. To us, yes, but to them it was probably confusing. "To answer your question: Discord has a pathological need to not make sense. Even if a course of action is tactically sound, he will only follow it in a way that's completely confusing. He could have delayed us with rocks on the road, and instead he chooses a stubborn griffon." I pointed helpfully at a piece of metal. "You use that... cross shaped thing to unscrew the nuts."
Gilda shrugged again, picking up the object and using it. "Why doesn't he have us all die horribly from a fan of the show colliding with us, then?"
"Irony makes sense," Pinkie replied simply. "Don't lose the nuts."
"So..." She gave us a calculating look. "Would me killing you right now be considering ironic?"
I snorted at that. "No. And if you tried I'd crush your talons and make sure you remained awake all during the ride to the hospital."
"Of course you would..." The griffon muttered something entirely unflattering under her breath, her feathers ruffling up. "... Let's just change out the tires. Sure. Whatever."
"Hey, I'm only human." I patted Gilda gently on the shoulder, giving her a reassuring smile. "And that means dealing with threats in the way that I assume would best remove the threat. So long as you don't try to kill me, I see no reason to hurt you." I gave the tire a once over and nodded in satisfaction. "Now come on, let me introduce you to Mythbusters."
The van jerked forward as Gilda rammed the accelerator, shaking everything in it like a maraca. Harold frowned, grabbing the handbreak. "No, the other pedal!"
Thankfully we managed to coast to a stop in the driveway. It took Cadance a few minutes to fumble open the door, but she managed to flop out of the van and onto the ground, unmoving.
Gilda slipped out and raised an eyebrow, flapping her wings in a quick hop over the car. "Eh. Wasn't that bad, was it now?"
Shining chuckled. "I've had worse." He shut the car door behind him.
"Excuse me, this is my first time consciously in a car," Cadance grumbled, standing and shaking her head. Is it always like that?
Not nearly, I reassured her.
That was... something I was still getting used to. Letting her have control. I'd grown to be very zealous when it came to how my life was run; if I wasn't in control I got a little.... tetchy. She promised to let me have the body back after trick or treating, though; apparently my little fit with Gilda earned me a time out.
Speaking of the griffon, she was leaning against the van dismissively. "Still would be faster to fly."
"You did very well, Princess." Harold stepped out of the car, shooting Gilda an annoyed look. "Despite certain... problems."
Cadance sighed, her eyes momentarily glancing to where Ian's car was just driving up and parking. "Right. Okay. Shining, Fluttershy's car is modified so ponies can drive it, right?"
"Can we blow this joint yet?" Gilda grumbled. "I got things to punch, people to maul, things to grind."
"Yes it is," Shining confirmed, tactfully ignoring Gilda. "We could ride together, spend some time seeing this world. Though you need to give Linda some time in charge, let her feel comfortable. We don't want her to feel trapped."
"Right," the griffon quipped. "She might freak out and try to kill me again or something."
Honestly, I do that one time--!
"And there's the fact you promised her a date," Cadance gently reminded her husband.. "She's... a lot more delicate then she acts." I gave a little mental snort at that. "I expect you to be very gentle with her."
Ginny walked up to us, eyebrow raised. "Is anybody else weirded out by the horse giving her husband tips on how to date her mind mate?" She held her hands up defensively at Harold's look. "Hey, Linda's not here, somebody had to say it."
"My dear, you are fragile as well, but I understand," Shining Armor replied. "I'm hoping it can be enjoyable for both of you."
He's totally thinking of a threesome--
Linda. Relax.
"...Murderous psychotic sociopathic sadistic masochistic bunch of dweebs..." Gilda muttered.
"Takes one to know one," Ginny quipped, cheerfully mussing up Gilda's feathers.
"Meh."
Pinkie trotted up at this point, giving us a curious look. "Right, so as I understand it the plan is you and... you?"
Cadance shook our head. "No, Linda's not back yet."
"Right, well. Those two will go on a date while the rest of us set up a sleepover and hash out tomorrow with the old lady." The party pony glanced around. "Am I wrong?"
Ginny gave her a strange look. "No.... I thought that we all knew the plan?"
Pinkie shrugged. "I like confirming things." Ian rolled his eyes at that.
Shining chuckled briefly, shaking his head. Then he waved an arm toward the adjusted car, silently inviting... me? Us? Whatever, toward the date. Cadance smiled and walked off with him.
"Are you sure you are okay?" He asked, opening the passenger door for us. "I mean, we just get settled down a little and then we are cast off into the relative unknown." He bit his lip. "Also... are you considering letting yourself merge with Linda?"
"Well it's not like I have a choice in any of this," Cadance grumbled as she slid into the seat. "I mean, bad enough to be thrown into a world with all this strange technology and another voice in my head, but then you go ahead and merge." Her horn glowed, buckling us in while she considered her next words. "I mean... I can't just see you as Shining anymore, you're that other guy too now and that... that's going to make our relationship a bit weird."
There was an awkward moment where neither of them actually said anything. For me, it was incredibly uncomfortable, since... since I couldn't do anything.
Eventually, she let out a sigh. "I'm going to try to bring Linda back now."
And with that our world went black. I don't know how Pinkie and Reid did it, but for us... switching in and out was like taking off a deep sea diving suit and then letting the other one put it one. It took a while and generally we had to help each other in and out... although Cadance had shown enough control to rip the helmet off, so to speak, after my little blow up with Gilda.
Erugh.
Anyway, I woke up soon enough... and found that Shining Armor was holding my hoof.
I... honestly didn't know how to respond to that.
"...you know, the weird thing is I was actually... aware during the whole trick or treating thing?"
Shining cringed, pulling his hoof away. "Listen, I'm sorry for treating you like this. It's not your fault, or Cadance's fault that I merged so quickly, but... now I worry that I'm not treating either of you as you deserve." He sighed, trotting around to the driver's side.
"This whole situation is weird," I admitted with a groan. "Look, let's just... put the weirdness aside for now. We're two individuals on a date, and... we'll see how that goes."
"Yes, a date." Shining started up the car. "...How would you like to see a movie before dinner?"
I shrugged helplessly. "Sure. What kind of movie?"
"Do you like animate..." Shining cut himself off as we pulled out. After a moment he cleared his throat. "How about frankenweenie? Something lighthearted and funny?"
"I... hmm." I considered the option. "Yeah, lighthearted will probably do, I need a break from all this seriousness."
We drove on in silence for a bit.
"Why don't we get to know each other a little better?" he finally suggested. "Any questions for me?"
"Ah, um... I dunno..." I shrugged again, trying to figure out a good starter. "What's your favorite color?" My eyes narrowed. "And don't say pink."
Shining laughed. "You sure I'm not allowed? No, its not pink. Interestingly enough, we had the same favorite even before merging, azure blue." His eyes darted toward me. "How about you?"
I had to seriously consider that for a moment. Most people don't just have a favorite color, you know, it was just a thing that was there. After a few moment, I had my answer. "...yellow. Definitely yellow."
"A calming color, that's nice." We pulled into a parking lot--apparently the nearby movie theater was... nearby. "Do you have a favorite food, or maybe one we could still eat?" he asked with a grin, opening his door and unbuckling.
"I was a total carnivore," I admitted, preempting his attempt at chivalry by hopping out myself. "Now, I... guess maybe I like cookies? Wow, this is harder then I thought." We walked up to the ticket booth--
"OH MY GOSH IT'S CADANCE!"
--and I flinched.. "Oh, uh... hello?" How exactly was I supposed to deal with that?
Shining turned to the ticket vendor with a frown. "We are trying to have a nice date," he explained with a tone just barely on this side of politeness. "Please keep your shouting to a minimum."
The ticket guy rubbed the back of his neck with an awkward smile. "Right. Sorry. Fanboy moment there. Sorry." To his credit, he regained his professional air quickly. "Ahem. Um. Tickets?"
Was this how Pinkie felt around us when we first met her?
Shining nodded, looking up at the movie listing. "Two for Frankenweinie at six thirty."
"Alright... then, here you go." The ticket boy handed over the tickets, as he was being paid to, and the economy ran smoothly. "That'll be twelve bucks."
Shining gave him the manufactured papers that represented value trade. Then he led me into the theater, heading for the concession stands and getting us popcorn and drinks.
I took the proffered snacks in my magical grip. Heh. Still getting used to that. My eyes drifted down to my hoof. My hand was gone, my fingerprints were gone.... it was all gone. How would I legally identify myself, if it came down to it? I mean, testimony only went so far--
Linda. Cadance's voice was firm. Just relax.
"Alright, alright, fine! Fine..."
Shining smiled at me nervously. "You okay? I can get more if that isn't enough, I just figured we could share to leave room for dinner."
"No, it's nothing, I just..." I shook my head. "It's nothing." Best to just get through this with minimal weirdness.
Hello everyone. I know you've been eager to see my memoirs updated, especially with everypony else's going up.... Let's just say my life has been complicated for a while now.
Everything's fine here in Ponyville, though! Well, fine ish. Well... I'm dealing with some personal, uh, stuff, but... I don't think I want to unload that on this portion of the internet. Heh. It's just... this next bit is going to be a bit... complicated for me to write. Sorry about that!
Hmm. I don't think I can have another chapter up by nightmare night... do you all mind if I try to have one up sometime in November?
