• Published 29th Oct 2012
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Awakening Pink - Masterweaver



Waking up as Pinkie Pie. Not the usual way things go....

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Seriously?

"So I’m thinking of writing a song about this whole thing, but I can’t decide whether to call it Pony Earth or Becoming Ponies." I turned to Erishy. "What do you think?"

"I like becoming ponies," she offered with a smile.

As if mocking our attempts at normalcy, a giant vacuum tube dropped down from the sky and sucked up the four of us with hooves. I was quickly and efficiently packaged in a metal box before being unceremoniously dumped onto a round platform that, apparently, was flying under its own power. It all happened so quickly that it took me a few seconds to process the fact.

"Wait wait wait, I have the perfect thing!" A hunched over man in a pharmacist coat walked over to Linda and Julian, placing strange circlets on their horns. "See? See? I even made them wedding rings!"

I peered at them carefully. Sure enough, there were shiny baubles attached to the rings.

The man's screechy voice seemed oddly familiar. Come to think of it, I knew I had seen this guy before. And I knew where, too, but that was impossible!

“Yeah, Becoming ponies sounds better,” Julien confirmed belatedly. He struggled against the box, and I could hear the creaking as the panels began to stretch.

“Wow, you’re stronger than I thought.” Our scrawny kidnapper turned to what I assumed were the pilot controls, flying us into the sky as he pressed a big red button to his right. Instantly, a pair of giant metal arms emerged from the floor and slammed Julien's box into a jumbo hamster ball. “I’m sorry about the poor quality of the trap but the shops in this dimension are just not suited for proper evil. I mean I had to go to these RIDICULOUSLY expensive places just to get half the electronics I needed to build this hover platform. You have no idea--”

Linda gave Julien a worried glance, before turning to the strange man. “Who are you?”

"“Oh right! Introductions, sorry." He turned around, giving us all a maniac smile. "I am DOCTOR HEINZ DOOFENSHMIRTZ, soon to be RULER of the ENTIRE TRISTATE AREA!”

Called it. Totally called it.

“Um... excuse me.” Erishy seemed to have recovered from our sudden transfer.

“Oh my gosh you’re so adorable!” Doofenshmirtz walked over, scritching the pegasus's chin like she was some sort of kittycat... and apparently it elicited a similar reaction, since she was grinning like she was in heaven. “What do you want sweetie?”

“You are operating a flying vehicle in the landing path of an airport, per new regulations since 9/11, you may be expecting inbound fighter planes soon. Can we continue this on the ground so we don’t all get blown up?”

“Wait, really? I thought they nixed that law!” He stroked his pointy chin thoughtfully. “Well, I guess that could work.... Oh look, an abandoned warehouse!”

“For unidentified objects and commercial airplanes, the law no longer applies, but your... floaty thing is pretty conspicuous,” Erishy explained.

How the hay does she know that?

Skreep if I know.

“Right, I’m landing this thing on the roof then.” The hoverpad descended onto an old building of some kind. “Thanks for that! Anywho, where was I....”

Erishy smiled a somewhat hopeful smile. “You were going to be untying us so we could have a civil discussion?”

“One, we’re not in knots," I pointed out. "Two, we can have a civil conversation while trapped, this is Doofenshmirtz after all.”

“Oh, you’ve heard about me!”

“Yeah, so... what are you doing here anyway?" I nodded toward an object that I really should have noticed a lot earlier. "And what’s that big cannony thing over there?”

“I’m glad you asked." Doofenshmirtz backed up a bit, throwing his arms wide. "BEHOLD, THE PONYTHROWINATOR!”

On cue, a musical sting belted out of speakers built into the hoverplatform. Speakers, I might add, I had not noticed before either. Man, I was failing spot checks left and right.

Erishy frowned. “This sounds like the worst of the ideas.”

Linda smirked. “I dunno, a pony launcher sounds kinda cute,” she quipped.

(Ignored by everyone, Julien attempted and failed to escape from his prison. Just thought you should know that.)

“EXACTLY! You see, back in my home town of Gimmelshtump there was a time where I was forced to wear dresses.” Doofenshmirtz rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “See, my mother had been expecting a daughter and we got Roger instead and cloth was hard to come by--" He flicked his hands out, redirected the conversation. "Anyway, the point was that all the boys in town laughed and pointed at me.”

“I’m sorry.” Erishy walked over and wrapped him in a comforting hug.

“Aw, thanks!” The mad doctor returned the hug. “I’m sure my daughter would like you... well I think she would anyway, I guess. Um, would you mind getting back in your trap so I can complete the backstory though?”

“You can complete your backstory, but as long as I am hugging you, you can’t launch anypony. By the way, Pinkie, he apparently designed these traps with an earth pony as the base model, you were right about the ribs.”

“WOOO!” Science!

“...well alright, but it is a major breach of tradition.” Doofenshmirtz released his hug, shrugging. “See, normally it’s backstory, then Perry the Platypus escapes and foils my evil scheme, but since you’re not Perry I guess it’s alright. Now... where was I?”

“Wearing dresses," Lind reminded him helpfully.

“Right! So anyway, the boys pointing and laughing was bad enough, but then they started throwing stereotypically feminine articles at me! Makeup! Cleavers! And combs too!”

“One of these things," Julien insisted, "is not like the others!”

“Hey, combs are feminine!" Doofenshmirtz protested. "But the worst of all were these little plastic ponies that some of the kids stole from their little sisters. I got one in my eye once." He shuddered. "Not fun. I mean I could do something with makeup and combs and cleavers but the ponies were just humiliating! Um... no offense.”

Erishy gave him a reassuring smile. “None taken, hey Pinkie, do you have a cell phone I could borrow?”

“No, nope, I don’t keep a cell phone in my breast pocket, no--" I sighed, suddenly realizing what she was doing. "Oh, wait, you were trying to use that line to exploit my cartoon abilities, weren’t you.”

Curse your electronics related paranoia!

It's totally legitimate Pinkie.

“Hey, are you even paying attention? I haven’t explained my Ponythrowinator yet! I put a lot of work into--”

“IT THROWS PONIES!" Julien shouted. "END OF STORY!”

Doofenshmirtz glared at him. “...SOME people don’t appreciate true evil.” He crossed his arms.

“Yeah that was the idea..." Erishy confirmed, still talking to me. "What if you try to summon the party cannon?”

I snorted. “Trust me, Doof is harmless.”

“EXCUSE ME?” Doof turned his glare upon me.

“Dude, you were defeated by a potted plant. Not even a mobile Little Shop Of Horrors plant. A little plant, with three leaves, that did nothing but obey the laws of physics.”

“Hey, that was only one time! And it was wearing a hat!”

I considered his argument, and had to concede to his logic. “Point.”

“If I keep hugging you," Erishy offered, "will you let my friends go?”

“Um..." The mad doctor was embarrassed again. "See, I can’t use the Ponythrowinator without actual ponies. I mean I could just make plastic ponies but the bigger they are the less feminine they are, and plushies just don’t leave enough of an impact.”

“I think I am dying from all the stupid over here," Julian moaned. "Someone put me out of my misery.”

“I wanna know who drugged my coffee this morning," Linda deadpanned. "Seriously.”

“Okay, change of tactics." Erishy tightened her grip. "If you let my friends go, I’ll stop hugging you.”

“OW! Hey what are you--Oh. Ooooooh, so you’re threatening me? Ha! Like I care, I’m evil.”

“Even evil people pass out when enough blood is cut off from circulation.” If you thought I could pull off the Cheshire smile, you have never seen Fluttershy remain calm while under fire. Seriously it's creepy.

“Oh, right, that thing. Well you forget one thing.” The scientist slipped out of her grip and skittered over to the Ponythrowinator. “YOU ARE NOT WEARING A HAT!”

“The one time ever that wearing a hat would have saved the world, Erica, and you miss it." Julien was trying to slw clap, but all he could do was fall over in his hamster ball. "Bravo.”

“Oh if only somebody thought to bring a spare fedora!” I cried dramatically.

“Here you go.” Adam Savage held out his hat toward the pegasus.

Okay seriously, what was wrong with me today? First I missed the giant hover pad, then I missed the big cannony thing, and then I missed the speakers, and now ADAM FREAKING SAVAGE managed to slip by my radar. The guy that blew up a cement trunk.

“Where the hay did YOU come from?” I demanded.

“Jamie and I were headed for New York when we caught sight of you flying overhead.” He gestured toward a heavily muscled white pegasus wearing a beret and a deadpan expression.

Julien began to bang his head against the hamster ball. “Where did I go wrong? What did I do to deserve this?”

“Well, your clear lack of appreciation for insanity is probably part of the problem,” I explained casually.

By this point, a fedora-wearing Erishy had reentered the fight, wrapping her forelegs around the mad doctor in an attempt to restrain him. He was flailing about, trying to shake off the pegasus. “AAAAAA! I AM BEING DEFEATED IN A STRANGLY ADORABLE MANNER!”

“No seriously. Who drugged my coffee?" Linda gave Julien a confused look. "Cause I’m seeing a mad scientist, Adam Savage, and Fluttershy.”

I tried to shrug, but constrained as I was by the metal box it came to nothing.

Erishy changed tactics, wrapping her foreleg around Doof's neck and flying him into the air. The mad doctor tapped his remote again; in response, the giant metal arms reemerged and grabbed at the flying pair. Erishy maneuvered out of their range, glancing at the platform beneath her. “Call off the robot arms or I drop you!”

“I’ve fallen from higher heights!”

A sudden sound caught my attention, and I turned to look at its source. “Um, guys...?”

“Not even a pony in a fedora can stop my evil scheme!” crowed Doofenshmirtz in insane triumph.

“You may want to--” I tried to continue.

I was interrupted when he tapped another remote, causing the metal boxes that had trapped us to sprout four spider-like legs each and make their way toward the Ponythrowinator.

“WAIT!” Erishy landed, releasing the mad doctor and stepping away. “I’ve been going about this all wrong. Pinks, how is Doof normally beaten?”

“Either with a self destruct button or just disassembling his latest Inator, which BTW the mythbusters are already doing.”

“Wait what?” Doofenshmirtz whirled around to find Adam Savage and Jamie Hynem--Hynepony in the process of taking apart the machine. “Hey, get away from there!” He attempted to run over and stop the heinous act....

...only to be tripped up and sat on by the canary pegasus. “You should calm down. We could all go to Denny's or something.”

“You know, aside from me being in a box," I pointed out. "Hey look, I’m a blind bag!”

“You know what, screw it." Linda, apparently fed up with all the randomness, decided to just do something random herself. "Julien, you want to go on a date?”

"Yes, but not the time, seeing as how I am trapped in a giant hamster ball.” The plastic hamster ball rolled around a bit as the unicorn struggled with his bindings.

"You two are totally going to get married again,” I quipped.

The giant metal arms, apparently forgotten, shot out and pulled Erishy into their clutches. Doofenshmirtz stood up, brushing himself off, and gave her a mocking grin. “Well no matter! I still have the ponies! I could, I don’t know, just drop them on people!”

“Yeah!" she shouted encouragingly. "Drop me on the hamster ball!”

The mad doctor seemed to be about to follow her plan, when he stopped suddenly. “Wait, is this the part where you try to use reverse psychology on me to get me to do what you want? I never really liked that part, it just seems so... ugh.”

”Well.... yes," Erishy admitted reluctantly. "That is this part. But if you don’t play along, I could always use the Glare. I really would prefer not to.”

Doof raised an eyebrow. “Wait. You’re challenging ME to an evil glare-off?”

“Mine isn’t evil. But sure.”

“KILL THIS WHOLE SITUATION WITH FIRE!” Julien screamed.

“Calm down," I advised with a grin, "it’s just two saturday cartoons and the mythbusters having a crossover.” Seriously though, this was exceedingly crazy. Hmmm.

"Okay, so any rules to our glare-off? Because I out-glared a cockatrice, I wouldn't want to hurt you."

"Well, usually it's whoever looks away first. And you may have bigger eyes but I have these humongous eyebrows, so--"

"Hey, out of curiosity how did you even get to this dimension?" I interrupted. That had been bugging me for a while, but the show had distracted me from actually saying anything.

Doof shrugged, waving a vague hand as the metal arms released Erishy. "Some... strange snakey thing brought me here and told me to take care of some ponies."

"...Discord does not take us seriously, does he."

"You are Pinkie Pie," Erishy replied simply. "I doubt he takes anything you do seriously. So.... Go."

As the two of them started staring at each other with the intensity of a thousand suns, I sat in my metal box and sighed. Yes, I was the silly one, but that didn't mean I didn't have feelings. Sending a guaranteed failure like Doofenshmirtz after me was a bit insulting.

Linda watched the glare-off, nonplussed. "....we're seriously doing this."

Julian nodded,giving her a sympathetic look. "...So, any idea on what we will do for our first date?"

"I dunno. Eat? I think I got Cadance to step up my romantic game."

I raised my eyebrow at this. "Speaking of Cadance, how are you two doing?"

"You remember the bubbles?" Linda twitched her neck and rolled her eyes up, managing to indicate her brain. "This whole thing popped the bubbles."

Huh, stress as a communication trigger. That made sense.

"You know, this thing is pretty well constructed," commented Adam Savage, throwing an odd machine part over his shoulder.

"Well, we could take Erica's car and go to somewhere simple, olive garden would have plenty of non meat options." Julien ignored the mythbuster in favor of kicking the bottom off the metal box he was constrained in.

"I think that's a bit high class, but Cadance is okay with that..." Linda shook her head in confusion. "Okay, hold up. Which ones of us are dating? Cadance and Shining or Linda and Julien?"

I flicked my mane out of my eyes. "Having NO romantic experience, I'd go with the human half of the equations. I assume dates are those sort of 'let's get to know each other better' things."

"Julien and Linda," the unicorn confirmed, sliding out of the box with some effort. "The ponies of us are already married, though revisiting our dating days isn't a terrible thing." He clutched at the ring around his horn with his forehooves.

"Yeah that's what I was thinking," Linda agreed. "Just wanted to clarify on that."

Jamie Hynepony gave his partner an unamused glance. "You know, Adam, as interesting as that pony thrower is maybe we should call the cops."

"...yeah, maybe you're right." The human mythbuster pulled out his cell phone and started dialing.

"Are you two just random deus ex machinas or something?" I inquired.

Julien finally managed to tear off the ring, teleporting out of the hamster ball and enclosing Doof in a rose colored shield. "Enough of that." He walked over to Linda and began to pull her own ring off.

The mad doctor would not be so easily defeated, however. With a tap of his remote, he made the mechanical arms shine a red spotlight on him, giving him a nefarious advantage in the battle of will.

"See, you put him in the shield and now he's using a spotlight." My face beat against the box holding me tight. "This is what we call serial escalation, people! You're a guard, you should know better than to do this."

"It's a glare competition," Linda insisted, leaning her neck as Julien worked the ring off her horn. "I don't think there's any damage done."

"Oh yeah? Toss that ring between them, I dare you."

The unicorn rolled his eyes. "I am simply keeping him from getting away when the cops get here." Nevertheless, he flicked the ring between doctor and pegasus.

The results were rather dramatic. Under the combined pressure of the two glares, the ring shattered and exploded. One of the shards whirred past Adam Savage, going into the partially disassembled Ponythrowinator; the strange machine activated, sucking up Doofenshmirtz and his pink prison before launching him into the air at high speeds.

"Curse you, Fluttershy the Pooooooony!"

We all stared at his disappearing form.

I was the one who managed to recover first. "...I think you won."

"Oh...." Erishy blinked, stared at her hooves for a moment, and suddenly smiled. "Yay!" Her dimples squeaked again. Seriously, how does she do that?

Julien shook his head. "This is all just... Just so wrong."

"What, were you expecting some epic boss battle or something?" I quipped.

Oh, the universe loves to screw with me. No sooner had I said that then the entire hoverplatform tilted to the side, sending us all falling onto the roof. The robot arms sank into the former floor; with an incredible creak, they pushed a portion of it outward. It was then I realized the arms were not alone; no, the robot arms were attached to the body of a GIANT ROBOT MAN!

"Excuse me, but have any of you seen my father?"

"Um...." I replied intelligently.

Linda provided a flat "Wut." Well, somepony had to.

However, Julien had decided he had had enough. "NO! None of that! Shame on you!" With a shimmer of his horn, the robot man vanished. "No more of that stuff. Big spells are coming out." Even I realized, at this point, that he was rather frustrated.

Erishy shook her head sadly. "Poor robot man..."

"....he ran on squirrel power, you know."

Linda gave me a confused look. "Sorry, what?"

"There was a squirrel in his chest that ran in a little hamster wheel and--"

"He's fine, I sent him to Nevada." Julien shrugged, turning to free Linda from her prison. "Noone cares about Nevada."

"So..." Erishy was suddenly next to the only human on the roof. "So do you have plans for the evening?" She boasted an eager grin on her face, one that I felt jealous of... It should have been ME next to the real life mad scientist! Oh well, I'd probably get my turn later.

Adam Savage, to his credit, managed a mildly embaressed smile. "Well my wife and kids wanted me to take them to the local amusement park."

"I personally just want to spend time relaxing in the hotel with my own wife,” Jamie Hynepony muttered.

Finally freed from her containment, Linda stretched her wings out and cricked her neck. "Erishy, weren't you just complaining about wanting to get out of the public eye?"

"I think we should all postpone whatever until we talk with the police," I stated flatly. Okay, so maybe I wasn't letting only logic influence my words; the fact was, Fluttershy had defeated my villain and was getting close to my hero and... yeeeeeah I was just being a jealous jealousy pants. "I'm still a blind bag, by the way.”

"But..." The pegasus waved a plaintive hoof at the mythbuster. "But Adam Savage!"

Instantly, I felt guilty at my own desires. Maybe I should have handled the situation with more sensitivity... still, the sirens coming down the road managed to distract us all from Erishy's sorrow.

Apparently Julien now understood exactly how the metal boxes were made, since he managed to rip mine off near instantly. "I have to ask, why no party cannon?"

"I..." Stretching out like a cat, I prodded Pinkie's mind for an answer. "...hold on. I..." The information coming from the party pony was so dense, I had to take a moment to process it; a moment became two, two became three, and then I just decided to hand the reins over. "You know what I'll let Pinkie explain it."

Really?!

Yeah, go ahead and talk, filly.

Pinkie grinned, which is still a weird feeling. "Well to bring my party cannon out I'd have to wriggle my wronkers and I couldn't do that while that pox had me tighter than a twist tie because I could only move this way that way these ways and those ways bust not this way, plus in order to get my party cannon completely correct I'd have to sync to the sympathetic party matrix located in the main barrel but because Reid such a scaredey pants I don't have full walkaround in my wronkers and--"

I had been watching the pictorial expression of Pinkie's thought and realized she might be confusing the others, so I took back control. "Right, so basically dimensional limitations based on psionic potential--"

"Hey!" Pinkie glowered at her muzzle. "Don't interrupt me with my own mouth!"

Well that was... very weird. "Look, you were confusing Erishy, I summed up--

"But that only explains some of the reasons!" Pinkie insisted. "What about the--?"

"Do you really think they need to know about that?" I cut her off with a roll of my eyes. "The only reason I know is because you were think--"

"Well SOMEBODY might need to use the cannon sometime and--" Pinkie pointed out.

"Will you two please stop bickering?!" Linda shrieked. "This is confusing enough as is!"

There was a moment of silence where all of us stared at her. She shut her eyes, took a deep breath, and assumed a more relaxed pose.

"I found that a lot funnier than I should have." Erishy smiled at us, giving us a reassuring pat on the shoulder. "It's okay though, I understand.."

Julien glanced very the edge of the roof. "Cops are here. This is what, our third police encounter in our adventure?"

The pegasus sighed. "Yeah."

"Second for us," Linda commented.

"Fifth for us," Adam Savage added. We all stared at him, somewhere between Seriously? and Oh of course he's a mythbuster.

"....Fifth?" I finally managed. "Really?"

Jamie Hynepony shook his head. "You really don't want to know."

Linda pawed at the roof for a moment, before taking another deep breath. "I'm sorry, just to clarify: Fluttershy defeated a mad scientist by staring at him so hard his inventions rebelled against him?"

I shook my head. "Invention, singular."

"...I'm only going to ask this one last time: Who in the name of God drugged my coffee?"

Erishy shrugged. “Wasn’t me, but I understand the feeling.”

Author's Note:

MEEEEEEEEEEEERRY CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIISTMAS! HO HO HO HO!

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