I'm no one interesting. Just someone who loves writing, but has never been good at it - Me in 2012; Feel like I'm okay at it now - Me in 2023
TW: Eating Disorders and mentions of death
Spike's feelings for Rarity have grown stronger over the years. He feels like Rarity is just ignoring his feelings, for Spike, this feeling like rejection. This causes minor depression in the little dragon, but as the 'rejection' continues, it could lead to 'life-threatening depression.
Fluttershy makes a few appearances.
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This looks good. But a bad sign is when I have an error report, and I havn't even read it yet.
It's in the short description. "His," not "he." Probably just a typo. Will read.
Me likey
Me want more
So far, pretty good. I'll certainly be watching this story. Now, let's get down to business. *Cracks proverbial knuckles*
Writing: 84/100 Definitely could be a little better. Could be a LOT worse. Looks about average to me. I'd keep going with this.
Grammar, etc.: 94/100 Saw a pretty big error, but I already gave you that one. (2167908) Nothing else, as far as I can see.
Plot: 82/100 Overused theme, but you play a nice take on it. I like that.
Overall: 260/300 Not a bad score. Keep going, I'll be tracking.
Not much happens but I guess your just setting things up.
I am interested though.
thids caught my attention, cant wait to see it play out
Pretty good so far, I'll be happy to see where this goes.
2167908 Yes it was a typo in the small description
I'm not sure why but i hate when some people overuse the "OK" and use it in almost every single reply from the characters, besides that, i'm looking forward to the next chapter.
Nice chapter, i hope to see the next chapter soon
2168353 It's a pet peeve of mine too, I think the short version just looks really awkward. The full word 'okay' works much better in my opinion.
im interested please make another chapter please and guy's cheack out my fan fic to here is the link http://www.fimfiction.net/story/86018/a-colts-journey-to-success
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/86149/the-greatest-islamic-pony
2169008why are you named after a terrorist
2169314
I am not dead....
Too many OK's other then that it is ok.
Good start, looking forward to future chapters.
Just one itty bitty little thing.
That's a Lot of "OK" 's, 9 of 'em to be exact, seems to be kinda reused, especially when in Caps form where they just stand out.
Not to utterly annoy your bum off, but can you try to make the OK's look less Caps lock-like in the future? or just use the normal form of the word?
It seemed to me they shouted "OKAY" every time the word was used.
This felt kinda like a chapter 2 or an "En Medias Res" start.
Especially the first paragraph.
Tracking to see how this goes
I see less spelling mistakes. Still a great story! Looking forward to chapter 2!
This hurts my eyes. Either add a extra space between paragraphs or hit the button at the top of the editing page to indent. Your paragraphs need more length, mostly because you have what should be one split into 2 or 3. Repetition issues throughout, prime example
Change it up to something like, "Twilight looked at Spike, clearly concerned about her number one assistant." You really need to use more pronouns. Example,
This sounds better, "Spike hesitated for a moment, but eventually started eating his hay fries, very slowly. Twilight looked at him and was at least happy that he had stopped ignoring his food. She had just finished her meal when there was a knock on the door." There's a possibility this could be as great as people are claiming, but, at the moment, it just hurts to look at. Also, you used the word salad seven times in about two-hundred words
My only wish is his for this o became a SpiLight
HEY? HEY, YOU? YOU, LITTLE PONY! I SAY: HURRY, ANOTHER CHAPTER!
2172339 Calm down LOL
I will read this when there's more.
2179383 You want second chapter that bad? LOL
waaa D: i want read more !! plx keep it up this fic !! :DD
Somebody call the freaking 911!!!!!
Will Spike die?!!
Mmmm....
Interesting.
I want to see what's going to happen next.
Rarity don't just stand there, do something.
2300650
Insert Skrillix here:
The chapter title should be "Working too hard"
"Too" is used for when there is an excess. ex: "Too Many Pinkie Pies"
2300662 Only Chapter 3 will tell
Story=brilliant, I love it
2302303 Thanks, I am glad you did
I cried during this. Mostly because I got some hot sauce in my eye.
2302860 Hahaa!
2303003 The chicken sandwich was tasty, though.
When will the next chapter be ready?
Your writing looks great.
2303405 Well put it this way. I haven't started it yet
2303460 Are you going to start it soon?
2319616 Hopefully, I just find it hard to get started
2319752 I understand. Just don't worry about what other people think of your writing.
Moar!
Plz?
2330671 There will be
nice D: !!
Great chapter, I'm proud of you, you're doing great! I know how Spike feels in a sense, I had a crush in High School but she was dating someone. I got over it after a few months. But looking forward to the next chapter!
So far this story is a 9/10!
2361389 Thank you very much. Means a lot
Amazing!!!