A Dragon's Depression

by rarityxspike

Chapter 14 - The Confession

Rarity entered the back room and saw Spike sorting out some books. Spike heard the door open and looked around to see Rarity.

"Oh, hello Rarity, what brings you by today?", Spike asked putting away the last book in the M section.

"I came to see you, Spike", Spike looked back over at Rarity, surprised.

"You...you did?", Spike asked.

"Yeah, I was wondering if you were free to talk, Twilight told me to tell you that you can take a break", Rarity explained. Spike walked over to where Rarity was.

"Oh, then, I guess I am free then", Spike chuckled. "Did you want to sit on the couch in the main room or..."

"Is there anywhere we can sit and talk in private?", Rarity asked. Spike thought for a second.

"There's my bedroom, I guess"

"That'll be fine", Rarity smiled. Spike then made his way to his bedroom while Rarity followed.

Spike and Rarity walked into his bedroom and Spike shut the door. Rarity was nervous as she knew what she had to say but still hadn't planned how she was going to say it.

"We can sit on the bed if you'd like", Spike said pointing to his bed. Rarity nodded then they both sat down on the bed.

"So, what did you want to talk about?", Spike asked.

"Well, I wanted to see how you were feeling?", Spike was slightly confused

"I feel okay, why?", Rarity smiled then placed a hoof on Spike's claw.

"I'm glad to hear that, but if you ever feel low or upset, you know you can tell me anything, right?", Rarity said while looking Spike in the eyes.

"Of course", Spike said still slightly confused. Rarity cleared her throat, she was very nervous about what she needed to say next.

"So, I just wanted to say, that day you invited me to the Cœur Florissante, I thought it was very sweet that you saved up all that money just to take me out", Spike smiled, Rarity noticed this and she knew she had to choose her words very carefully. "But I had to turn down the offer because our friendship means so much to me and I don't want to ruin that", Rarity explained, worried how Spike would respond. Spike's smiled changed to a confused expression.

"But you said you thought we weren't right for each other", Rarity felt a pain in her chest when Spike repeated the words she had said.

"I apologise for my wording, Spike, what I meant is that our friendship is so special and you're so special that, I don't think it's right for us to date", Rarity explained.

"So, it had nothing to do with me?", Spike asked.

"No, of course not, you're a wonderful dragon and friend, and I feel honoured that I have such a close relationship with you, and what we have is so special", Spike just sat there confused.

"So, it's not because I'm ugly or fat", Rarity flinched when she heard that 'F' word, she had now, one hundred percent, confirmed it was her that had caused it.

"I'm so sorry if I have ever made you feel like that, Spike", Rarity said holding back tears.

What a drama queen, Spike did not like the voice's comment

"Shut up!", Spike said out loud. Rarity jumped at the sudden outburst.

"I'm sorry, did I say something wrong?", Rarity said getting more upset. Spike froze, he realised what he just did. Spike sighed.

"No, it's not you, but if I tell you the truth you have to promise to not think I'm crazy", Rarity wiped her eyes and was ready for Spike to confess.

"Of course, I would never think you're crazy", Rarity said warmly. Spike hesitated then he took a deep breath and exhaled.

Don't tell her, she's testing you

For the first time, Spike ignored the voice and went against what it said.

"I have a voice inside my head, telling me things and suggesting things", Spike said slowly, Rarity looked at Spike in the eyes.

"Okay, what kind of things does it say and suggest", Rarity asked, remembering the things the voice said to her.

"Well... it convinced me I was fat, and the only way you'd like me is if I lost weight because you're so beautiful and high-class", Spike looked down at his lap, but Rarity lifted his head with her hoof.

"I can see you're not fat, and I like you just the way you are, our friendship is special", Rarity said more confident.

You're going to regret doing this, the voice started to fade away until eventually it was gone. Spike's head felt clearer, he looked over at the mirror and he could see how skinny and ill he looked, he thought about what he had been doing to himself, which made him cry.

"What's wrong, Spike?", Rarity asked concerned.

"I...I have been doing awful things... I haven't been eating, making myself throw up and I was constantly exercising and weighing myself trying to lose weight", Spike said still crying. Rarity was glad he finally confessed and she pulled him in for a hug which he instantly returned.

"It's okay, Spike, I'm glad you told me", Rarity said hugging the dragon slightly tighter. Spike just continued crying on Rarity's shoulder.

"But I've lied to you, I've lied to Twilight and I've hurt Twilight too", Spike managed to say after calming down a bit. Spike released the hug.

"I'm so sorry, Rarity", Spike said disappointed in himself. Rarity smiled at him.

"I'm proud of you, Spike"

"Proud of me?", Spike said confused.

"Yes. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery", Rarity continued to give Spike a warm smile. Spike just noticed the voice had gone.

"The voice is gone!", Spike said with a slight smile.

"Even better", Rarity said, knowing recovery would be easier with the voice gone. Spike hugged Rarity.

"Thank you, Rarity, you helped me", Spike said with a smile. Rarity returned the hug.

"You're welcome Spike, you know I'm always here for you", a few seconds passed before Spike released the hug after realising something.

"I better go and explain myself and apologise to Twilight", Spike then got up and made his way downstairs as Rarity followed.

Spike went into the main room where Twilight walked up to her and hugged her. Twilight was caught by surprise.

"Oh! Spike is everything okay?", Twilight said wondering why he hugged her out of the blue. Spike stopped hugging her before speaking.

"Not really, I have a confession"

"Oh?", Twilight said as she looked up at Rarity who smiled and nodded.

"Umm... yeah, you know I was skipping meals, but I was also making myself throw up what I did eat and also exercising excessively, so I could lose weight", Spike looked at the floor then back up at Twilight.

"Why were you trying to lose weight?", Twilight asked knowing she could ask now.

"I was depressed and then a voice in my head was telling me I was fat and was suggesting skipping meals and throwing up anything I had eaten and that would make...", Spike stopped and looked at Rarity who smiled. "you know, make me happier", Twilight was still slightly concerned.

"This voice, is it still there?" Twilight asked. Spike smiled.

"No, it faded away when I confessed everything to Rarity", Spike hugged Twilight again, "I'm sorry I hurt and lied to you", Twilight returned the hug.

"It's okay, Spike, I'm just glad you're okay now", Twilight said relieved that this nightmare was finally over. Twilight released the hug.

"Well, it's almost lunchtime, would you like to stay for an early lunch, Rarity", Twilight asked looking up at Rarity.

"That would be lovely, thank you Twilight", Rarity smiled. They all headed to the kitchen to make lunch.

Author's Note:

Question: Would anyone like an epilogue?

Wow! This has taken many years to write. I originally wrote this story to help me cope with my an0rexia, I'm not sure why I uploaded it, but I'm glad I did, I may not talk to them now, but I have met some truly amazing people on here. Thank you to everyone who has and still is reading this story. I have learnt I enjoy writing, so more stories should be on the way soon

Comments

[Snivypony]

Yes do an epilogue.

[rarityxspike]

10736728
The final chapter is now up

[rarityxspike]

6476327
I have just uploaded the final chapter

[rarityxspike]

3197075
I have just uploaded the final chapter of this story

[Theresa]

Yes because I don't think he is fully recovered. He faced the first step that he has a problem but that isn't the end and I bet that voice will take advantage of anything going wrong like when twilight got an owl and kinda ignored spike in favor of her new pet.

[Theresa]

If you are done you need to mark complete.

[Triggeringmyownself]

Hey, I don't know if you will ever see this but I just made a fimfiction account specifically to comment on this fic because I have re-read it on incognito for maybe over 15 times now simply because of the subject matter, but the writing is extremely underwhelming for me.
I'm very glad that a fanfic of spike having an ED exists and i plan on making one myself aswell.
Spike is my favorite character and I have struggled with disordered tendencies for a while now.
I feel like this could have been more descriptive and the reasoning could have been better, and I have a few pet peeves. Spike is usually the one to make Twilight her breakfast, not vice versa. Why did nopony notice his weight loss other then those few lines with Rarity? I feel like you should have described the physical symptoms that come with this aswell more in depth. Fatigue, constant headaches.. etc. As for the reasoning, I wouldn't just choke it up to him being rejected by Rarity. Spike is a dragon in an all pony society, forced to conform. This must take a very heavy toll on his mental health.
Being seen as greedy by many ponies, he must feel terrible about being born as a dragon and he would want to "make up for it", by being "less greedy." But unfortunately it spirales completely out of hand and he starts to feel like he isn't worthy of anything, including food. He would begin to hate being a dragon. He dreads the thought of looking at his body in the mirror, which he feels is a reminder of all his wrongdoings.
That's my interpertation, anyway. I don't think anorexia should be reduced to "I got rejected so this must mean I'm fat." Also, purging feels humiliating and disgusting. Not just the area around you gets dirty, but you aswell. it looks very obvious if you've thrown up, and I'm sure Twilight would've gotten a little suspicious, Even without Rarity telling her what he just did. your eyes get all puffy and reddish, and saliva might take a while to completely be rid of. it's never a quick and easy to hide practice. it's tedious and extremely embarrassing.
Overall, thank you for writing this fanfiction. But I'm extremely disappointed at the lack of descriptions. I've read the comments and saw you made an epilogue but I can't find it anywhere, so I'm assuming you deleted it. Have a good day, dude. Sorry for being salty, I'm just a huge spike fan who loves to inflict their issues upon him.

[rarityxspike]

11293790 Not sure if you'll see this, but if you do sorry it took so long to get back to you.

No, I haven't deleted it, I just never got around to writing it. I'm sorry that the writing disappointed you, I never planned to upload this and make into a story, the first chapter was just me writing my feelings down on paper and wanted to have a go at writing and for some unknown reason merged the two together.

I was suffering with an0rexia back in 2013, when I first uploaded this, but not buiim!a, so it was hard to describe that entirely and correctly, I could've been more descriptive, but I was worried continuing to write it for too long would've put me back in that mindset, which is why there's years between chapters, I appreciate you like the subject of the story, and I'd love to read yours, if you do choose to write one

Thank you for your comment, I will take it into consideration when writing future stories