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Sequels1

  • M Through the prism

    A "Rainbow in the Dark" spinoff. Rainbow Dash invites Brownie to her house and they have sex.  · Sayer
    12,241 words · 4,608 views  ·  104  ·  12 · sex  · 

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My life in Hollow Shades wasn't too bad, but I wanted to start a new life somewhere else, so one day I packed my things and moved to a town called Ponyville. A place where I could start a new life, make some friends and get a job. What I never expected was to find the mare of my dreams...

Edited and revised by Kalash93.

Now in TvTropes.

First Published
2nd Jan 2013
Last Modified
6th Jul 2013

nice story..A couple mistakes. but good so far!!!

Keep up the good work! :twilightsmile:

Fave before read. :pinkiehappy:

I can't get enough of OC x Mane Six stories. I dunno why....

EDIT: Whoa. This was actually amazing. You, my friend, get a watch. :scootangel:

Nice work pony! You have earned yourself a favorite. Only a couple mistakes, but thats fine with me. Also, OC x RD? interesting choice.:rainbowderp::derpyderp2:

Interesting. I'd like to see more. I'd write a more detailed review, but I need to see more before I can really gain a sense of what you're doing. So far, you definitely are not bad. I haven't found myself wishing for a bottle of JIm Beam yet. All I can really say is that your characters appear to be talking in voids. You'll reach a place where a conversation starts, and then it just seems to dissolve into a blank white space where words appear. That works better for tension or drama, but doesn't work well with the more lighthearted feeling from the rest of the fic. Keep writing and update whenever you're ready. :twilightsheepish:

>>1896116 Thanks for the tip. I know the basics for writing and I got some help from an editor to write better, but unfortunately that doesn't cover my writing style :pinkiesad2: Aside from being my first romance story, but I'll keep working to do a great job.

I like OC ponies.

>>1896962 Me too. As long as they're not simple recolors, Mary Sues or alicorns, I'm fine with them.

>>1897498

Well I usually read only FoE, what contain only OC ponies, and awesome after-goddes-alicorns .

I read 'not FoE' only from autors who makes at least something FoE

What can I say about 'Rainbow in the dark'? Brownie... Why.. Why you trying to reduce his individuality in such manner? What the f*ck is name is that? Makes him pony for the f*ck's sake. I understand it's for the purpose. Everybronie who read it can associate themselves with Brownie, but it's not real character damn it. It's something between 'second person' and actually character.

Keep up, damn it!  :ajsmug:

>>1896958

I'm willing to proof and beta for you.

>>1900530 That would help me a lot. I still have to work on the next chapter, but could you take a look at this one? Some people said there were a few mistakes.

>>1896962 Me too...................................................

As the official Grammar Nazi of everything I ever see, I can tell you I've found around 25 grammatical/spelling errors.

it's nothing personal. :pinkiehappy:

Now that my job here is done,

OMG!OMG!OMG!PONIES!!!

I like the idea, and most of the story so far. But (no offense) you might want to work on some more realistic dialogue. And as somepony ever so RUDELY reading over my shoulder has BLATANTLY mentioned, yes, the words "realistic" and "pastel talking ponies" can co-exist in the same remark. Thankyouverymuch. However, I must point out the part where you called Fluttershy a GUY, and tell you that you won't easily be forgiven. I shall now guilt you with a crying Fluttershy face. :fluttercry:

Can't wait to read more! :derpytongue2:

>>1903694 Blame Discord for those mistakes. He loves to add errors when I post any new chapters.

>>1903104

What exactly would you like me to do?

>>1907365 I would like you to take a look and point out any mistakes I did and things that can be improved (Sloppy paragraphs, weird writing...). I don't want to make this story a masterpiece, but at least I would like to make it good.

It's done. This it going to take a while, so get comfortable. I started with an examination of grammatical correctness and syntactical clarity. I actually trimmed this down a lot because it would have been mad to give a paragraph by paragraph critique of your story. The mechanics however, have been given in full.

I noticed a pattern of what I would consider somewhat strange choices in diction and syntax, although all your spelling is in American English. Much of it is technically correct in dictionary meaning, but feels awkward when compared to the implied meanings, usages, and connotations of words. Tow recurring examples are "make parties" and "present myself". Is your native language something other than English? I can help with translation involving Latin, German ,and Russian.

First paragraph: Change "aside" to either "besides" or "other than" or "apart from". Add a comma before "and a few bits to find a new home".

Second paragraph: You need a preposition to describe what is to be done with the glasses. It is not said whether he is putting them on or taking them off. Your simile to a dragon's belly ought to be turned into it's own sentence. "It was like being in the belly of a dragon." The last bit about passing under Canterlot and the Saddle Lightning mountain ought to be its own sentence. "I realized that we had been passing through Saddle Lightning mountain, which was underneath Canterlot." Your sentences have a habit of rambling on.

Third paragraph: Alone is used too frequently for the situation. Also, who says "I was talking alone"? The term is "I was talking to myself." The paragraph is too short to stand out. You only need a new paragraph for dialogue if there is a change of speaker. Monologues can be placed into the middle of a paragraph.'

Fourth paragraph: When describing what the protagonist had to do in order to open the door, create a new sentence when he describes using his mouth. "I was forced to use my mouth and got the horrible taste of cold metal on my tongue." The final sentence is just absolutely too long. Break it up into three concise sentences. And the fate of the water droplets should be "deaths" instead of "death".

Fifth paragraph: The more elegant alternative to "spitted" is "spat". Both are grammatically correct, but spat fits better here. I can only assume that when you said "two chocolate balls" that you meant "two brown eyes." The T of t-shirt is not capitalized. Cutie mark is not capitalized either.

Sixth paragraph: When describing the purple unicorn, use "she" instead of "it". It is seldom used for persons. You could have also used "they", although that is somewhat awkward. The mane would better be described as "Her man was lavender with a band of purple and pink stripes.". Cutie mark is not a proper noun. Therefore, it only only to be capitalized if it begins a sentence or a quote. I will not note this mistake further. When describing how the other pony probably got on the train, I would say to "She had probably gotten on board during the last stop while I was in the bathroom." Either remove "I didn't notice.", or change the semicolon (;) to a period.

Seventh paragraph: Change the sentence to: "Excuse me, are you going to Ponyville, too?"

Eighth paragraph: Instead of "I adopted a more formal pose", make it "I sat up". Next, change "she left her book on the seat besides her and was now focusing all her attention on myself" to "she had placed her book on the seat besides hers and was now focusing all of her attention on me."

Ninth paragraph: Change "travelling in train" to "travelling aboard the train". Remove the comma; you do not need it to separate the beginning of your explanation.

Tenth paragraph: Remove the comma before "because". Next, replace "Are you on a job trip?" with "Are you looking for work?"

Eleventh paragraph: Change :"I'm leaving my parent's home, and was told that Ponyville is a nice place to live." I replied." to ""I'm moving out of my parents' home and I was told that Ponyville is a nice place to live," I replied."" Also, "richies" is not a real word. "Rich ponies" would be a better term. I would change "“And I guess that you’re coming back home after visiting Canterlot, as none of those richies would leave their mansions unless it’s to visit another mansion because they’re making a party.”" to ""I'm guessing that you're coming back home because none of those rich ponies would leave their mansions unless it's to attent a party at another mansion."" You do not make a party in English. The term is "throwing a party".

Thirteen paragraph: Rewrite "“Wow, you have an…” She struggled, trying to find an answer. “Interesting image about the rich…”" to "Wow, you have some..." She shrugged, trying to find an answer. "You have some interesting ideas about the rich..."

Fourteenth paragraph: The term is "throwing parties".

Fifteenth paragraph: It should be "Princess Celestia and I are always busy with controlling the sun and ruling the country."

Sixteen paragraph: Add "then" just before you say how she would attend a lot of parties. It's an if-then conditional.

Seventeenth paragraph: I have not detected any problems.

Eighteenth paragraph: Change "You’re one of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony!” I exclaimed." to "You're one of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony," I exclaimed!"

Nineteenth paragraph: Instead of "a colt who got", make it "a colt who had received". Mane six is not a proper noun. Normal capitalization rules apply. Write " meeting Twilight Sparkle had been the best thing". I think that "me" is a misspelling of "my".

Twentieth paragraph: The phrase is "pen and paper".

Twenty-first paragraph: You ought to say: "the laughs other ponies had gotten from jokes about my name" rather than " the laughs and jokes other ponies did because of my name."

Twenty-second paragraph: I have not detected any problems.

Twenty-third paragraph: "But that never happened." should be connected to the previous sentence by a comma.

Twenty-fourth paragraph: End Twilight's dialogue with a comma. Do not capitalize "She".

Twenty-fifth paragraph: Change: "“Well, you’ve obviously never visited my hometown. Everypony there made jokes about my name, like ‘Hey, shouldn’t you be in the bakery?’ or ‘Last day I ate your sister. I think she was called cupcake’. And the list goes on and on…”" to "“Well, you’ve obviously never visited my home town. Everypony there makes jokes about my name, like, "Hey, shouldn’t you be in the bakery?" Or they'll say, "Yesterday, I ate your sister. I think she was called cupcake." And the list goes on and on…”

Twenty-sixth paragraph:  I have not detected any problems.

Twenty-seventh paragraph: You should describe Brownie's action as being a "surprised stare."

Twenty-eighth paragraph: Change "“Of course… I thought everypony already knew that.” Her voice tone let her amazement slip between each word." to "“Of course! I thought everypony already knew that...” Her amazed tone was evident in each word." This is a case of you being technically correct but awkward.

Twenty-ninth paragraph: The phrase is "I can't speak for anyone else". Replace "but in my place" with "where I come from,". Instead of "the real residence of the Mane Six," say "where the mane six live.".

Thirtieth paragraph: Change "Well, I can’t talk about my friends, but I love Ponyville, and I wouldn’t change my lifestyle for anything." to "Well, I can’t speak for my friends, but I love Ponyville and I wouldn’t change it for anything. Change "worth more than a life of a" to "worth more than the life of a". Say that she was leaning forward; it's more elegant than describing her body. Bodies are normally described in such terms either in relationship to other things, or if they are dead. Start a new paragraph when Brownie starts speaking. Change "Then I realized how stupid and cliché that sounded, and I couldn’t help but burst into laughter" to "Then I realized how stupid and cliché that sounded; I couldn’t help bursting into laughter."

Thirty-first paragraph: You do not end a quote with a period if you then describe the action with a speaking word. Also, do not capitalize any pronoun other than I that does not begin a sentence. For example, ""Don’t worry, you’re excused." She replied with a small chuckle." should be "“Don’t worry, you’re excused," she replied with a small chuckle.”

Thirty-second paragraph: I have not detected any problems.

Thirty-third paragraph: Swap the order of "about" and "all". All about implies discussion of everything pertaining to a topic. About all implies having complete knowledge of a topic. If I say that I know all about cats, then that means that I know a lot about cats. If I say that I know about all cats, then that means that I know every single cat in existence. Finish the list about Twilight's life with ", and a job she loved."

Thirty-fourth paragraph: Change "After asking for a few directions I managed to find the Town’s Hall. We already discussed everything I had to know about my new place and all I had to do was pay the full price of 2500 bits to claim it." to "After asking for a few directions, I managed to find the town hall. We had already discussed everything I had to know about my new place and all I had to do was pay the full price of 2500 bits to claim it." In English, you say town hall instead of town's hall.

Thirty-fifth paragraph: Use a semicolon when suddenly saying how far away Brownie's home is from the market. Change "never saw" to "I had never seen". Use a comma with and when you give the final item on a list, such as when you describe the carriage.

Thirty-sixth paragraph: You say on the floor; you do not say "in the floor". You say "talking so quickly" instead of "talking so fast"

Thirty-seventh paragraph: Change "time" to town.

Thirty-eighth paragraph: Change "leave him breathe" to "let him breathe".

Thirty-ninth paragraph: Change "I stood up and searched for my suitcase, nowhere to be found." to "I stood up and searched for my suitcase, but it nowhere to be found."

Fortieth paragraph: I think that "thosw" is meant to be "those". You say that something did not go unnoticed by me- not for me.

Forty-first paragraph: I have not detected any problems.

Forty-second paragraph: Replace "“Oooh, so you’re one of those fans?” Pinkie Pie replied as she crushed mme with a bear hug." with "“Oooh, so you’re one of those fans,” Pinkie Pie asked as she crushed me with a bear hug."

Forty-third paragraph: replace fast with quickly.

Forty-fourth paragraph: I have not detected any problems.

Forty-fifth paragraph: I have not detected any problems.

Forty-sixth paragraph: I have detected no problems.

Forty-seventh paragraph: Change "She trotted down the streets and disappeared behind a corner, leaving me alone in the streets." to "She trotted down the street and disappeared around a corner, leaving me alone." Change "new on the town" to "new to the town".

Forty-eighth paragraph: I have not detected any problems.

Forty-ninth paragraph. Change "The exact moment I opened the door, I found myself greeted by a crowd of ponies stacked inside my new home holding a welcome party. Needless to say, I didn’t expect this. Suddenly, Pinkie Pie appeared from nowhere and started to talk as fast as when I met her before." to "At the exact moment when I opened the door, I found myself greeted by a crowd of ponies stuffed inside my new home holding a welcome party. Needless to say, I hadn't expected this. Suddenly, Pinkie Pie appeared from nowhere and started to talk as quickly as when I met her earlier."

Fiftieth paragraph: Make "the direction" plural. Change "I asked the Town Hall" to "I asked town hall". Change present to introduce. Present is typically used for inanimate objects.

Fifty-first paragraph: I have not detected any problems.

Fifty-second paragraph: I have not detected any problems.

Fifty-third paragraph: Changes "besides" to "on".

Fifty-fourth paragraph: Change "From within the crowd, a white unicorn with a curly purple mane and sapphire eyes stared at my clothes, and I couldn’t help but feel analyzed like a bug under a microscope. She circled around my body before stopping in front of me with a look of deception." to "From within the crowd, a white unicorn with a curly purple mane and sapphire eyes emerged. She stared at my clothes and I couldn’t help but feel scrutinzed like a bug under a microscope. She circled around my body before stopping in front of me with a look of distaste." Deception is a noun that is used for lying. I can't think of what it was doing here.

Fifty-fifth paragraph: I have not detected any problems.

Fifty-sixth paragraph: I have not detected any problems.

Fifty-seventh paragraph: I have not detected any problems.

Fifty-eighth paragraph: Replace "are" with "is" in the last sentence.

Fifty-ninth paragraph: I have not found any problems.

Sixtieth paragraph: I have not found any problems

Sixty-first paragraph: I have not found any problems.

Sixty-second paragraph: Change "Get here to meet the new pony!" Pinkie Pie shouted as she pushed Fluttershy." to "Get out here and meet the new pony," Pinkie Pie shouted as she pushed Fluttershy." Replace "like I was a monster" with "as if I were a monster".

Sixty-third paragraph: Change "“Don’t worry, she’s always afraid of anything that’s not a small animal.” Applejack said." to "“Don’t worry, she’s always afraid of anything that’s not a small animal." Applejack said."

Sixty-fourth paragraph: I have not found any problems.

Sixty-fifth paragraph: Change "present" to "introduce".

Sixty-sixth paragraph: I have not detected any problems.

Sixty-seventh paragraph: I have not detected any problems.

Sixty-eighth paragraph: Say either "eat cake" or "eat some cake" instead of "eat the cake. Remove the final "and" and make "we’re going to help you to know other ponies" a separate sentence.

Sixty-ninth paragraph: Revise "The party dragged along the entire night and was finished after Luna’s mantle of stars enveloped the sky and the moon watched over us, unblinking and staring to the town below.

Pinkie Pie provided the entertainment for the party with a lot of games while Twilight tried to make everypony follow the ‘party protocol’ or something like that. Applejack brought a lot of cider, but I refused to drink since I’m not a fan of these kinds of drinks and Rarity gifted me an old bed to sleep comfortably for this night until I can buy a new one." to "The party went on through the entire night and was finished after Luna’s mantle of stars had enveloped the sky and the moon had watched over us, unblinking and staring at the town below. Pinkie Pie provided the entertainment for the party with a lot of games while Twilight tried to make everypony follow the ‘party protocol’ or something like that. Applejack brought a lot of cider, but I refused to drink since I’m not a fan of these kinds of drinks and Rarity gifted me an old bed to sleep comfortably in until I can buy a new one." I think you intended to start a separate paragraph when you mentioned Pinkie Pie. I would bring Pinkie Pie up to the previous line and make the whole thing one continuous paragraph.

Seventieth paragraph: Change :Needless to say, living in Ponyville proved to be my best decision so far." to "Needless to say, living in Ponyville has proven to be my best decision so far.".

________________

Your story is enjoyable. If nothing else, then it's at least a story that I would not mind continuing.

Your writing style is strange. The sentences are long, complex, and ramble, However, your narration is very efficient while your dialogue meanders. You use far too many ...'s. These pauses are not inherently bad, but it gets annoying when it seems as if every character just suddenly runs out of breath when talking as if they've all got nasty Asthma. You can stop sentences with a period, which also implies a short pause. I have a feeling that you are trying to write highly realistic dialogue, with characters talking like one would in real life. The problem with that is that comes across as highly stylized and is intended to be heard on rather than read in print. Your sentence structure is highly predictable. You definitely need to make your sentences more concise. The world is not going to end because you decided to write a simple statement. Furthermore, run-on sentences get very annoying because they just go on and on and on and on and on and on and on for so long that you lose track of what the original sentence was about, like when you put your keys in a weird place while you were drunk the previous night, trying to set a new record for most shots of vodka downed in one minute and you felt like the world was spinning extremely rapidly like a gyroscope, and those things look cool, unlike you after the aforementioned drinking contest, which you lost and got you very drunk so you lost your keys, but they're not lost because they're somewhere in your house, hopefully, but you're not entirely certain that they are because you got too drunk to remember anything other than losing and showing up at your house. Cut them short!

Your narration is nothing special. It tells the story well enough, but there are no special charms or identifying features to it. It could be much worse, but I'm not going to tempt fate; I will say that it is good enough. My one problem with it is that you have a very minimalistic narration style. Much of the imagining of scenes has to be done entirely by the audience. There is no sense as to the environment or setting. You remain almost entirely negligent about scenery after brief initial introductions. If would be a good idea for you to occasionally talk more about the scenery in relation to characters. Mention one leaning on a table, or twiddling a blade of grass, or clopping on the road. When Brownie met Rainbow Dash, he was starstruck and fainted. I wish you had built up to it instead of suddenly pulling it out of nowhere. No hints about a crush, asking about Rainbow Dash, or even thinking about her until suddenly, she shows up and he faints. Always try to build up to things before you write them, especially if they are instrumental to the plot. In this instance, it was not too bad because we all knew that it was going to be an OCxRD ship fic from the start. Nevertheless, it would have made the meeting between the two more significant if there had been some buildup to it. In order to get any kind of payoff, you have to build tension gradually. Pulling things out of thin air is not only terrible writing, but it also can seriously clash with the rest of the story. In this case, not mentioning Rainbow Dash at all and then suddenly revealing that Brownie has an enormous crush on her fits into the story with not a clunk but a din. Don't rush things.

Your dialogue is technically sound. However, you use far too many pauses. The usage of a triple period is normally reserved for dramatic effect or for literary devices such as allusion or foreshadowing. However, overuse quickly kills any sort of significance associated with it, with the result that all the pauses become highly irritating. You can use narration to imply these pauses instead of writing them into the dialogue. My biggest complaint about your dialogue is that you use rhetorical questions like "right?" frequently. Such verbiage is not so common in conversation and is normally only used in order to convey anxiety or uncertainty. Conversely, it can be used when one expects the person they are speaking with to know something. The frequent employment of pauses and rhetorical questions reduces their importance and makes them more annoying than anything else. It also gives all the characters a kind of accent. They all seem to speak somewhat alike. Another complaint is that your dialogue seems to occur in a vacuum; characters start talking and suddenly everything besides them vanishes. It gives the feeling that everything is happening in some sort of void. Including body language as well as implying their verbal ticks and pauses would help with immersion and create more interesting interactions. Gestures and posturing can very quickly establish tone, mood, and character.

Your diction is extremely weird with some odd syntax. I have a feeling that English is not your first language. You often pick words well, but you make odd choices frequently enough to be noticeable. Your vocabulary is solid, but it seems like you are trying to say more than you can with what you know.  Your verbiage is simple, especially when you describe actions. This is not a bad thing. I am stating that you seem to pick from a limited pool of words and trying to make what you do know cover everything. The result is that you get the technical meanings right, but your word choice is not one that would normally applied to describe something. Please get your hands on a thesaurus and a dictionary.

Characterization is not your talent. Unlike many other new authors, you did manage to write distinct personalities for the characters. It's just that most of them are very similar. You did Pinkie Pie quite well. However, for the rest of the mane six, I really did not get the feeling that I was hearing from various characters. I did not feel that the distinct personalities came though. Twilight Sparkle seemed far too talkative and chatty. She also speaks in a very efficient, almost manly way without much superfluous talk. Rainbow Dash was done well enough, I guess. Rarity was done well enough. Applejack seemed a little out of character. Fluttershy seemed fine. Take heart, however, as I am going to delay judgement until I've seen more from these five. Brownie seems to not have much of a personality other than quiet and

private. We really don't know much about who he is or how he behaves. Strong characterization is only going to come from dialogue and group interactions.  Just one last thing that I noticed is that there is no Spike.

Now that I've hit you with the criticism sledgehammer, I want to tell you what you did well.

You firstly got a story going. For a first chapter, this is a good start. You have your premise, setting, cast, and objective. The story of Brownie is not unpleasant to read about. I certainly want to read more of it.  The beginning was certainly interesting and I want to get to know Brownie and why he chose Ponyville. Why does he hate rich ponies? Don't give that away if that's a key backstory element!  Everything here is functional. It is generally good. I'd say that your story is just of average quality, but it is still enjoyable. Your syntax is fun. I really can't think of anything else to say other than that I liked it and that I want to see more and that you will improve with practice. Write more when you can. Please don't keep me waiting!

>>1923796 Wow, that's a long post! I won't go writing a reply for every paragraph because I have more mistakes than I could imagine.

I admit that I overdid a bit with the "..." because I wanted to show that the mane six and Brownie don't know how to talk to each other (As far as I remember, when I met new people I was a bit afraid of what I could say. You could say I was like Fluttershy back then).

About my writing and the sentences it's because I'm Spanish, and English is my third language. All I ever learned is either from reading or watching videos and playing videogames. It worked to learn English, but when it comes to talk or write stories it gets in the way. Not enough to write a Troll fic, but I make all kind of mistakes like the ones you pointed out.

Comment posted by Sayer deleted at 2:57pm on the 8th of January, 2013

>>1924844 Nah, don't worry. As long as you point out what needs to be fixed I don't mind. I accept constructive critics as long as they're not like "You suck" or "The story is shit" (I got comments like this in anoither fic I'm currently working on).

P.S: Remind me to fire my M$ spell checker for all the obvious grammatical mistakes it didn't point out.

Well played my friend :moustache:

Comment posted by Sayer deleted at 1:08pm on the 22nd of January, 2013

Very nice start. This has alot of potential, keep up the good work! :twilightsmile:

Comment posted by Sayer deleted at 1:08pm on the 22nd of January, 2013

Well done. I certainly enjoyed your chapter. This is a definite improvement over the first one.

The characterization is improved. You also added action with the dialogue, so it no longer feels like ponies are talking in a void. Overall, quite solid. I wouldn't call it fantastic, but it certainly kept me engaged and reading. Your spelling and mechanics are >9004x better than before, but there are still at least two glaring errors. All the memes, references, and jokes made this quite enjoyable. Add in more of those in the future.

I must, however, give you a critique rather than a literary blowjob. You need to change how you do your dialogue. It always begins with the words before we know who the speaker is. Using the exact same format for every single bit of speech is monotonous and makes the paragraphs somewhat roll together. More than once, I found myself realizing that the speaker had changed and I hadn't noticed. You can introduce dialogue with narration. For example: ""Rainbow, I love you, but you're being ridiculous!" I wasn't letting this slide. I wasn't going to uproot my only recently-settled life just for her manic dreams of joining the Wonderbolts." could be retold as, "I wasn't happy with this turn of events; she had just joined the wonderbolts. She was ecstatic, but there was no way that I could follow her on the road. "Rainbow, I love you, but you're being ridiculous!" I wasn't letting this slide." You should be able to understand the difference and how to apply it.

Another problem is the way that Rainbow Dash speaks. She is too verbose and precise. Her vernacular is rather casual and brief. She doesn't do a whole lot of explaining. She will give a justification, but she won't explain unless she must explain. She uses no more words than necessary to accomplish the objective.

I can't wait to get more.

EDIT: You don't need to justify yourself with a length author note. It's not like you're suddenly writing crack out of nowhere.

>>1994449 Well, I'm glad to see that I managed to overcome all the problems from chapter 1. I'll try to fix that problem when I write chapter 3.

And now we wait...

>>1995167

There are other criticisms that will need to be given. Some things, such as plot, characterization, pacing, and so on, can only be evaluated after a story is well underway. It is still too early to say anything about those. I'm going to need one more chapter, if not two chapters, before I can really evaluate them.  It is possible to make a story which has a weak overall narrative, but has strong individual installments. It is possible to make a story with strong overall narrative that has weak individual installments. You ought to try to get some sort of significant story or character arc going no later than the fourth chapter. And make plans; you just need to have a general outline of what is going to happen and what will be done. The first time I ever wrote fanfic, I charged right in without any forethought whatsoever. Before I knew what was happening, I was stuck in an arc that I had no means of resolving, with a story that was going nowhere, with characters who were already completely explored.

Try to get your story split into an act structure. Act 1 is the initial setup. Act 2 is the buildup to the drama. Act 3 is when the big problem comes. Act 4 is dealing with the issues. Act 5 is resolving the plot. Or you could just do this is a thee act structure like a television episode. Act 1 sets up the story. Act 2 is the characters faced with adversity. Act 3 is solving the problem. If you could split each act into three parts with approximately ~3000 words each, then that would be good. It would give you enough length to tell a deep story without taking too long and getting bogged down in anything. If you follow this model, then get the romantic relationship started next chapter so that you can get to the core conflict of the series. Brownie Pudding wants Rainbow Dash, but how is he going to win her? It's your task to tell us how while keeping us entertained.

You said wing instead of win after the reading contest. Other than that, and the parts where I felt the urge to hit my head on a brick wall, I rather liked it.

Comment posted by Sayer deleted at 7:09am on the 30th of January, 2013
Comment posted by Sayer deleted at 9:07am on the 30th of January, 2013

:twilightsmile: it was an alright chapter but it could be a little longer but i still really enjoyed it :twilightsmile:

Pow, right in the kisser.

(sorry for shitty sound quality)

I like big plots and I cannot lie :rainbowkiss:

>>2116670 Sorry. I wanted to make it longer, but my editor advised me that if I added more conversations it would turn into a "too long; didn't read" chapter. I'll make the next one longer ;D

>>2116775 Here, have a Fluttershy for that comment: :yay:

>>2116995 You other brothers can't deny / That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist / And a round thing in your face / You get sprung

Good chapter!  I was hoping for a longer chapter too.  I love long chapters.  The pacing seemed a little rushed for my taste, but that may be just me.  I also liked the dialogue that you used.  It seemed very well placed and fitting for each character.

:yay:  Here, have an cheering fluttershy!

What if Rainbow Dash could read his mind? :rainbowderp:

>>2138023 He would be screwed if she found out about his fantasies :rainbowlaugh:

>>2139548

In the fun way or the bad way?

>>2160771 Both ways, but mostly in the bad way. :pinkiehappy:

Sweet. So... Brownie has random fainting spells or what? I might have missed somethimg because its ohmygod o'clock, and I'm too tired to even breath...

Just kidding... But I Iook forward to seeing how twilight being gone and brownie filling the void will turn out.

>>2222026 I won't tell you evrything because that's spoiler, but I can tell you that's not the work of a fainting spell nor something like that.

That title is so overused :rainbowlaugh: seriously there must be like 15 strories with that name

Glad to see this is up. I like what you've done with it. The piece I'm working on will be up later tonight. I just need to finish and then edit it.

>>2322933 Well, last time I checked, there were about 2 or 3. I only used this title as a reference to Rainbow in the dark, from James Dio.

>>2324322 Thanks. I'll go and take a loot at your new piece :pinkiehappy:

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