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kalash93

Joined December 2012
384 followers

Stories (17)

  • You Obey
    You are a changeling, servant of Queen Chrysalis. You always obey her orders, even when you don't want to. And at times like this, you really don't want to.

    5,555 words · 5,532 views · 89 likes · 5 dislikes
  • Last One Standing
    From the beginning, it could only end one way. Nopony lives forever.
    7,596 words · 3,178 views · 80 likes · 5 dislikes
  • You Are A King
    You are a king. You rule an ancient, mysterious land. You are powerful and ancient beyond compare. You are king of nothing. Most Dangerous Game contest entry.
    7,676 words · 237 views · 38 likes · 2 dislikes
  • I Did Not Want To Die
    The final thoughts of a fallen soldier. Dedicated to all who serve, all who survived, and all the fallen.
    4,727 words · 14,837 views · 105 likes · 13 dislikes
  • Racer And The Geek
    49,546 words · 4,527 views · 88 likes · 11 dislikes
  • Bratan
    2,721 words · 230 views · 29 likes · 2 dislikes
  • Songs Uncle Sings
    1,630 words · 979 views · 22 likes · 1 dislikes
  • Reflections
    4,784 words · 1,683 views · 24 likes · 2 dislikes
  • Barren
    4,862 words · 206 views · 20 likes · 2 dislikes
  • Shell Shock
    2,680 words · 3,739 views · 47 likes · 10 dislikes

Blog Posts (34)


Sunny Breeze is living a quiet life in Ponyville until one night, Rainbow Dash suddenly appears at his door! What does she want? What's really going on here? What are her true motives? All may not be as it seems, especially Sunny himself.

Thanks to MrSing, Sayer, John117, Nahmala, and Brony2893 for their prereading, advice and edits. Thanks a million, comrades!

Big thanks to Sayer for the awesome cover art! If you want an artist, he's the man you ought to talk to.

Lastly, feedback is appreciated; don't hold back if you got something to say.

Bringing this out of hiatus soon. Updates to follow.

First Published
2nd Feb 2013
Last Modified
20th Jul 2013

Comments ( 82 )

#1 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 3d ago · · ·

Me gusta :pinkiecrazy:

#2 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 2d ago · · ·

Leme rephrase that, this story is good so far, but personally,  there are just way too many details.

#3 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 2d ago · · ·

very good.

#4 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 1d ago · · ·

:rainbowkiss: DS very good.

#5 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 1d ago · · ·

Wait a minute... Is this the geek rarity was flirting with to get Fluttershy the asperigus? If so that would be hilarious,:rainbowlaugh: cause well it kinda sounds like it could be or are you referencing him...:unsuresweetie:

#6 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 1d ago · · ·

>>2071163

Eh? I don't remember that. Would you kindly refresh my memory?'

____

To everypony else: So I take it that you're not contemplating stringing me up like Mussolini. Do you want more?

#7 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 10h ago · · ·

>>2071256 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zoZd2h8BgLg This is Rarity and the asparagus.

#8 · Chapter 1 · 83w, 5d ago · · ·

>>2071163

That's a big negative, over. I completely forgot that character existed.

#9 · Chapter 1 · 83w, 5d ago · · ·

>>2086481 Oh well just alright I was surprised I actually recognized that character either.:rainbowlaugh: I was just curious is all, well thanks for the clear up. :twilightsmile:

#10 · Chapter 1 · 83w, 5d ago · · ·

>>2086558

You're welcome. Anyhow, chapter two is coming sometime within the next week.

>>2074839

Thank you.

#11 · Chapter 1 · 83w, 5d ago · · ·

>>2086586 Yay! Can't wait so far this first chapter has been great. Hope to see more. :twilightsmile:

#12 · Chapter 2 · 83w, 3d ago · · ·

>>2086631

Chapter 2 has been written and uploaded. It is ready whenever you are. :raritywink:

#13 · Chapter 2 · 83w, 3d ago · · ·

bad ass story. love the details

#14 · Chapter 2 · 83w, 3d ago · 3 · ·

i like the second chapter much more. It flows more easily and most of it makes sense. The first chapter was really hard to follow. Keep at it!

#15 · Chapter 2 · 83w, 2d ago · · ·

Very well written. I like the idea of a no body meeting up with a huge star. It works somehow, although your reasoning behind it could have been a bit better. Other then that, a few grammar or spelling mistakes here and there; nothing major. It's enjoyable, and await for a new chapter! you get 4/5 Flutteryays for these two chapter my friend! :yay::yay::yay::yay:

#16 · Chapter 2 · 82w, 4d ago · · ·

Keep on keepin on!

#17 · Chapter 3 · 82w, 4d ago · · ·

Well, that took a left turn off amusing romantic comedy down what the fuck avenue

#18 · Chapter 3 · 82w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2122109

Fear not! The next chapter is going to be much lighter.

#19 · Chapter 3 · 82w, 4d ago · · ·

I can't wait to see what happens when rainbow finds out who sunny really is:rainbowkiss:

#20 · Chapter 4 · 80w, 5d ago · · ·

I relly enjoyed this chapter. It was ice to add Scootaloo and see her actual relationship with Rainbow Dash, although I kinda expected her to have her Cutie Mark. And I wonder how much time does Sunny Breze have before she finds out the truth? I can't wait for the next chapter!

#21 · Chapter 4 · 80w, 5d ago · · ·

>>2122109

The romantic comedy is back. Come and see.

#22 · Chapter 3 · 80w, 3d ago · · ·

I like it!:twilightsmile:

Just love flexible stories like this one, you'll never know what'll happen next:pinkiesmile:

#23 · Chapter 3 · 80w, 3d ago · 1 · ·

Woh.. just took a look at your avatar picture...:rainbowderp:

Now I'm wondering if that's what Sunny looked like in the story:rainbowhuh:

#24 · Chapter 4 · 80w, 17h ago · · ·

>>2200946

I'm glad that you liked chapter 3. I was worried that people wouldn't like it because it's a lot darker than the surrounding chapters and comes almost out of nowhere.

Sunny looks vaguely like me in the picture.

You will keep on reading and commenting, right? Unfortunately, it's going to be another week before I can post the chapter 5. I have a lot going on and early week release dates are murder on myself and the prereaders, so I have to give an extra week for all involved. Oh well, I'll have something interesting up tomorrow. It's an somewhat unrelated world building character exercise. It focuses more on the modern warfare angle presented in chapter 3.

As for the different guards, well, I used different inspirations for each one. The theme around which I centered the designs is anonymity, as each uniform has a key feature designed for guarding the identity of the wearer. The different outfirts and callsigns are meant to be variations on the theme which also grant a certain degree of uniqueness and individuality to the characters as well as reinforce the idea that they're only private sector personnel who are armed, yet they are not raised to the standard pr proffesionalism of an army. However, especially with Sunny, if you look closely, you'll see a lot of Eastern Bloc influences.

Telny is actually inspired by Ukrainian SBU.

[img]

Shades is inspired by American Army.

[img]

Goggles is inspired by photographs on British soldiers from the first world war in gas masks.

[img]

Keffiyeh is inspired by Jordanian dress uniform.

[img]

#25 · Chapter 1 · 79w, 6d ago · · ·

Very well done my friend :twilightsmile:

I certainly enjoyed the structure of the story and simply put, the characters themselves.

Details truly bring the story to life, but without believable characters, it all means nothing, luckily though you seem to excel in both of these.

Since you tend to use Flutteryay's, I'll give you 4/5

:yay:

#26 · Chapter 4 · 79w, 6d ago · · ·

Kinda sounding like Sunny may be just another notch on Rainbow's belt. She agreed to a 2nd date with Sunny but she's having DINNER with Lightning Dust? Sounding like Rainbow is sleeping around with her teammates, atleast the mares.

#27 · Chapter 5 · 79w, 13h ago · 1 · ·

This is a really unique idea

#28 · Chapter 5 · 79w, 13h ago · · ·

>>2250647

What's unique about it? Explain, would you kindly.

>>2200937

:trollestia:

Wait until you see the twists in this newest chapter.

#29 · Chapter 5 · 79w, 10h ago · 2 · ·

>>2250773 Alright, where do I start...

This is an Equestria that acts like a cracked mirror of our society. It's a world where there's love and friendship so powerful that it can literally take on physical form, that of the Elements of Harmony. However, at the same time, there's also intolerance on a frightening scale. It's less an intolerance for other cultures, mind you, but an intolerance for progress. There's obviously a criminal element, one dangerous enough to warrant the employment of armed guards, but they're hated to a riduculous extent.

The intolerance, really, is aimed not just at the ponies who carry the weapons, these ponies who take a difficult job quite simply because it needs to be done and there's nopony else to do it, but also against the guns themselves, the progress of technology. The main hate here is directed, whether ponies intend it or not, towards science.

How many could an angry unicorn kill if they put their mind to it? Would there be anything anypony but another unicorn could do to stop them? What the guns in this world really do is force equality. Take that same unicorn, but put an armed guard in his path. These ponies are demonized, called 'foal killers' (bringing back memories of Vietnam and the intolerance towards the soldiers, simply young men forced to do what they had to do) and hated for simply doing their jobs. The outcry and the danger against them is so great that they've been authorized, and are, in fact, expected, to fire on civilians if they're threatened.

The fact is, the change in society is the reason that they face the hate that they do, it seems. There's no outcry against unicorns, mostly because they are both societally integrated and without a choice in the matter, despite the fact that they're essentially living weapons. Gunponies, on the other hand, make the choice to pick up the gun... Or do they? We've seen that Sunny's cutie mark is a rifle shell. Whatever fate exists in Equestria has chosen him to be a gunpony. How is he now any different from a unicorn? One has a horn on their head, the other has a mark on their flank. He has no choice. It's the unnatural aspect, the technological one, that sets him aside, to where he has to take the sewers to work. It's a dark look at how a peaceful, magically destined society turns against those they may have grown up with the moment that destiny chooses a path for them that they don't agree with.

THAT. Is why I say that this is unique.

Any questions?:twilightsmile:

#30 · Chapter 5 · 79w, 8h ago · · ·

I have a feeling imma hate RD at some point in this story. :unsuresweetie:

#31 · Chapter 5 · 79w, 8h ago · · ·

>>2251644

That's... startlingly similar to what I'm driving at. Underneath the romance story is a lot about Equestria, force, and the relationship between them. And people came here thinking that they were just reading a romance fan fiction.. Granted, I wasn't putting that much thought into it. My point was more that violence was something completely alien to most ponies and that morality is much more complicated than black and white. There's also stuff in there about intolerance and social stigma. The reasons why gun ponies carry weapons and how they deal with their profession are widely varied. The degree to which choice and what sort of morality enters into the decision to pick up arms is always debatable and not all are the same, for once a pony picks up a weapon for a paycheck, there is no going back. You are right about the criminal element. It is going to show up in the story fairly soon. There is a reason why Sunny Breeze carries an automatic weapon to work on a daily basis and sleeps with one at night.

I have such lovely, intelligent readers. :twilightsmile:

Compare these three ponies.

They're the same guy, Sunny Breeze. It's just that the top two are shunned by society.

#32 · Chapter 5 · 79w, 8h ago · 3 · ·

.....With the size of that head, I'm surprised all three aren't:rainbowlaugh:

But seriously, that's a lot of what I was driving at.

#33 · Chapter 1 · 78w, 6d ago · 6 · ·

Right. Sick, headache, back pain, still recovering from a broken ankle, my arms are sore as fuck from doing some house repairs yesterday, but fuck that noise, you need your review, and by god we can't have one guy missing his review.

First Chapter:

Right, so, starting this off. So far, you're doing fine. You get a bit wordy with certain things, mainly overextending an explanation on the qualities of drinking that whiskey. It seemed long, drawn out, and kinda useless. Filler, really. Then we move on the the beginning of the relationship. What the :yay:? Alright... So, because she's single, and because Pinkie suggested it, Dash just goes for this random stallion that she doesn't really know? Alright... I'll let it slide. It's been done... OK before. So, now we have a date. Just like that. Ok, cool, that's fine.

Second Chapter:

Ok... this is all fine. An- WHAT THE :yay:! DUDE. INFODUMP. SHEESH. I said this before, but you have a HECK of a problem with extending details that need not be extended. Seriously.  Five paragraphs in, and MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT INFODUMP. Sheesh. Twelve fucking sentences about the goddamned weather. What the hell. Alright, it's getting better... Huh. Startin' to think this dude might've been in the army at some point, despite the obvious "No" from the first chapter. Huh... Alright, a bit of world-building. This is ok. Kinda interesting, actually. Ok... Huh. So, starting to get a bit more of an idea as to who Sunny really is. Huh... We- OH GOD DAMN IT! If I remember correctly, one of the rules of fanfiction is "Don't make your reader google shit that can be explained in a simpler fashion" or some variation thereof. Beatific.  You could've just as well used Serene. It's used more often, and it's more recognized than beatific.

Third Chapter:

Huh... Starting to actually like this story, now that your nubbishness is wearing off. I'm really interested in the whole "Leadhead" dynamic you've set up.

Fourth Chapter:

Alright, you're really starting to get better now. I didn't see unneeded infodumps, and the story is progressing nicely.  Not much more I can say here, since that pretty much sums it all up.

Fifth Chapter:

Ok, so normally in a review, I'll try to avoid doing this because, well, this is a review. It ain't a proof-readin'. This mistake, however, forces me to point it out.

While the heckling normally might not have been quite as bad as it was on Saturday, it would still be bad, and aside from the face that he would have to deal with ponies trying to figure out where he lived. He’s to relocate if the secret got out.

>Aside from the face

>He's to relocate if the secret got out.

While the heckling normally might not have been quite as bad as it was on Saturday, it would still be bad, and because of the fact that he would have to deal with ponies trying to figure out where he lived, he'd have to relocate if the secret got out.

I really just HAD to fix this for ya. It was glaring.

Anyway, the rest of the chapter is extremely well done. The story is fine, again, and I'm loving this leadhead dynamic you've got set up. All in all, I'll fave.

~Axel Nyan, WRITE's Capo dei compiti, Ottimo Grugnito, e Italiano in formazione.

#34 · Chapter 5 · 78w, 5d ago · · ·

>>2259226

Youch- sounds painful.

Thanks for the fave. I'll come look at something of yours. Do you have anything in particular you wouldd like me to look at, or can I just pick something at random?

Thanks for writing up the review quickly in spite of all that. It's nice to get a detailed chapter by chapter review.

#35 · Chapter 5 · 78w, 5d ago · · ·

>>2260038 Neh. Sorry if I may have sounded annoyed/angry/etc. in that.  I WAS pulled out from damn near going to sleep to do this.

Anyway, if anything, go take a look at the best thing I have (although it IS a collab,) Chicken.

And yer welcome.

#36 · Chapter 5 · 78w, 5d ago · · ·

>>2260867

It's quite understandable. I was wondering if anything was ever going to get done on this story because it had been almost a month and two reviewers so far had failed to look at it.

I was getting extremely impatient.

EDIT: 1100 reads and 370 views.

#37 · Chapter 5 · 77w, 17h ago · · ·

Hey, this is Drtechno finally reviewing your story

Story: Racer And The Geek

Grammar: 8/10 (I don't know, a few errors which wasn't anything worth mentioning really)

Pros:

1- You have created very destined charaters and you manage to write Pinkie and Dash very like how they really are.

2- You describe their surrounding pretty good

3- Doing an interesting thing with multiple language instead of having itall be English

Cons:

1- The main character feels like a drunken mess

2- You have a tendency to trail off when you're explaining thing which is quite distracting

3- The timeline is difficult to follow

Notes:

You got a nice story going here, build on the principle of being new in Ponyville which I think works great. Aldo a bit sudden, the introduction of Rainbow Dash manage to work pretty well. You have a nice tempo to your story, if a bit slow when you go into depth of the surroundings and emotions. You jump from Sunny to Dash a bit sudden which you could have made a sligthly clearer sign that you switched.

Having the main character be an alcoholic can be either good or bad, but here it comes off as being too much on the bottle. I don't drink myself, but I don'tthink it's normal drinking so much as he does and still maintain suitable andworking. Making him nervous in front of mares, but being a hard-cooked security guard kinda works so props for that.

The time he and Dash spends together starts off good, but becomes chorter as the story progresses until it feels like they barely get to have a lunch break together so have them have a proper sit-down soon. other than that the story was gripping and I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

Rating: 3/5 insane Pinkies

:pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

#38 · Chapter 5 · 76w, 5d ago · · ·

I really want sunny to lay off the alcohol for a while.

#39 · Chapter 5 · 76w, 9h ago · · ·

>>2329495

Sunny will drink much less in the next chapter, alecrob. He does have a damn good reason for drinking heavily. Thanks for your continued reading and support.

>>2317960

Thanks for the detailed and good review, DrTechno, I intend for most chapter to follow more or less one day after another. He goes to sleep in chapter 1 and wakes up in chapter 2. I indicate if a different amount of time separates chapters. Sunny Breeze is purposefully written as an alcoholic. He drinks because he has some pretty serious issues. You'll learn more in the next chapter.

#40 · Chapter 6 · 75w, 1d ago · 1 · ·

Update up in dis bitch!

#41 · Chapter 2 · 74w, 1d ago · · ·

as soon as I saw khakis I immediately went for this before I read the comments

#42 · Chapter 1 · 73w, 5d ago · 3 · ·

First chapter review. It's 12:19 AM as I start this, so pardon me if it's not the most detailed review. I'll say a few things I observe during the chapter, and once I've finished I'll give my overall review.

I was surprised to see the inclusion of the real-life FN FAL rifle..."What is this, I don't even" got me laughing...Chocolate pudding at 4 AM? I smell Rugrats.

Anyways, review time. I didn't see many mistakes. "Invariable" should be "invariably", and you referred to Pinkie as "Pinky", not sure if that was intentional. You forgot to capitalize the "Dash" in "Rainbow Dash at one point, and a few sentences were missing just one or two words, but that's all I could really notice.

The concept of your OC being "nothing special" isn't new to me - however, I did enjoy your elaboration. The whiskey and conlang were nice touches that allowed me to think of him less as a generic "average Joe". On the note of characterization, you've captured Rainbow Dash's personality very efficiently, right down to her little obsession with herself.

Sunny's silent confusion with nearly everything that was going on made things a bit more interesting, as it allowed a pocket of time for Rainbow Dash to introduce herself to the story with the 'bang' she deserves.

I'm not sure why I put off starting this story for so long. I'm not much of a reader; I'd rather be writing. However, I can safely say that I'll be reading the next chapter tomorrow. A very solid story so far.

#43 · Chapter 7 · 71w, 6d ago · 4 · ·

UPDATE!

SO SWEET AND TASTY

UPDATE

DON'T BE TOO HASTY

UPDATE

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE!

#44 · Chapter 1 · 71w, 6d ago · 2 · ·

Pardon my style of feedback, its not along the lines of AHA standard and rather than one cumulative review at the end, I share my thoughts on every chapter as I read.  

I like the bit of meta humor here, gags from the show and beyond, as mentioned before. Initially, I found it a bit weird that Rainbow Dash would be after Sunny, but reading on has dispelled some confusion there. Just goes to show: persistence is key!

Though some things still remain, such as why Rainbow Dash would be back on the romance scene so soon after divorcing her second husband. I get the impression this story is as much a love story as a deconstruction of celebrity relationships. (*cough*Kardashian*cough*)

Furthermore, Sunny's hobby came off as a bit weird. He comes from a roughneck part of Equestria, owns a gun, gets tipsy almost every day in a doldrum state of existence... but he is making up his own language? ... Then again, a lot of crazy things can be done by someone with too much free time on their hands. Hooves. Whatever.

I'm not too big a fan of romance stories, but I'll try to keep up with this one. I leave you with these errors I spotted defacing your work here. Vandals.

It happened suddenly one warm Friday night in the[space]spring.

Sunny cocked an eyebrow and looked up into her lenses. All he got was [a/her?]  glare and his reflection

#45 · Chapter 7 · 71w, 6d ago · · ·

>>2507480

I laughed at your comment more than I should have.

#46 · Chapter 7 · 71w, 6d ago · · ·

>>2508904

Thanks for being quick.

The spacing error was noted and fixed. Glare was not fixed because I am using it as a noun.

That I said at the start to drop your expectations should be remembered. I am liable to screw with them.

This story is still being written.

#47 · Chapter 2 · 71w, 3d ago · 1 · ·

I thoroughly enjoyed the Wonderbolt's sequence, almost being able to picture it in my mind. Derpy X Doctor, good...Miền Sói. Vietnamese. Love it. I could genuinely feel the intensity mounting in their game :rainbowlaugh: I kind of wonder how many years after, say, the Season 3 finale this is. Ten years? I'm not sure, not that it matters. Sunny was adorkable, as always.

“I have a lot of practice at this sort of thing.” I'd like to hear more about that. Good so far...

Note: Sorry for the late review. Like I said, I was occupied for a while around my birthday and I just recently came up with an idea for a third story, so I finally decided to take a break and finish this chapter.

#48 · Chapter 7 · 71w, 1d ago · · ·

>>2507480

I'm surprise that this many people actually give a damn about my story. :twilightblush:

>>2523175

Thanks for being quick, as well as remembering to come back.

#49 · Chapter 7 · 68w, 3d ago · 3 · 3 ·

This story has been reviewed by: The Equestrian Critics Society

Story title: Racer and the Geek

Author: kalash93

Review by: BronyWriter

The story premise itself is interesting. It starts off pretty slow and clunky, but once it gets going it goes on some interesting twists and turns that do a better job of keeping the reader engaged. Once again, though, it’s hurt by the fact that most of the presented information is useless to the overall story, and that makes the plot drag on far longer than it needs to. Also, there isn’t any motivation for the beginning of the story. It just sort of happens without really much background information.

Full Review

Final Score: 5/10

#50 · Chapter 1 · 67w, 3d ago · 2 · ·

>>2508904

all he got was [a/her] glare and his reflection.

I think it's actually glare from the light, not from her eyes.

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