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6w, 3dTo Russia! Я ухожу!11 comments · 104 views
Tomorrow, I depart for Russia. I'm going to Moscow State University for the semester to study Russian language and culture. I won't be back in the United States until late December. I am crazy excited about this, but I want you guys to know that I'll do my best to stay connected and keep delivering to you guys, the best fans any talentless hack could ask for, the results of my ill-advised encounters with storytelling, though as of yet I have no idea how my schedule will turn out or under what circumstances I will be able to access Fimfic. I hope that I can keep in touch regularly. I'm so excited about this and I can't wait to tell you guys all about my drunken and sober misadventures in the higher education system in the capital city of a country most famous for car crash videos.
Keep calm and brony on.
10w, 2dObama's AK-47 Ban12 comments · 175 views
So Obama banned the importation of Russian firearms, specifically Kalashnikovs. Bummer. I had a few thoughts about this.
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My computer is dead and needs to be sent out for repairs. I'll be back in about a week. Until then, I found this lovely pile of riffbait.http://www.fimfiction.net/story/149713/militia-in-equestria
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Title: The Racer And The Geek
Premise: Sunny Breeze is an exceedingly ordinary stallion who lives in Ponyville. One night, his quiet existence collides with the daredevil, Rainbow Dash. What’s more is that she wants him and won’t take no for an answer.
Intro: This is my first foray into Rainbow Dash and romance writing. This was done while more than slightly drunk on a weekday afternoon.
Warnings: You’re reading something that I wrote. Get the popcorn and eject your expectations.
Why Does She Want Me?
Sunny Breeze was a seemingly rather ordinary unicorn living in Ponyville. There wasn’t much that could be called extraordinary about him. He lived in an ordinary flat in an ordinary apartment block on an ordinary street in an ordinary town. His coat was a pale cream color and his mane was a boring charcoal. He had a job, didn’t cause trouble, and left no strong impressions on anypony. Such a ghost was surely doomed to live a nameless life.
Sunny Breeze had first arrived in Ponyville around six years ago. He had come from Baltimare, that decaying port city on the coast of Equestria. He had left because anything could be better than sitting in a decaying port thick with crime and thin with opportunity. Ponyville wasn’t his first choice of town- it wasn't even on his initial list of choices, but there was no point in complaining about the past, not that he could escape it.
He was alive, yet he did not have the sense of living. He did his work by day. It wasn’t worth mentioning. He spent his free hours buried in books. And as for friends, he didn’t think that he had any other than one of his coworkers. Sunny did have tabletop gaming buddies, but they weren’t the sort of ponies he’d count on. Well, there was Pinkie Pie, but she was Pinkie Pie, so she was just an implied given. He had met her literally the second he arrived in Ponyville. A pastel earth pony mare with a rowdy mane was standing on the train platform. He got off and heard a gasp. Next thing he knew, a violently pink lightning bolt had tackled him, sending him flying back into the carriage. Introductions were handled quickly, giving them just enough time to jump off before they got an unexpected trip to Canterlot. Needless to say, they had been friends ever since.
Unbeknownst to him, his monotonous life was about to be over. It happened suddenly one warm Friday night in the spring. He had spent the entire night working on his pet project of a constructed language. Sunny grabbed the bottle of whiskey beside him on the desk and took another swig. The stallion let it sit in his mouth for a bit. This was the best Percheron single malt rye whiskey the local shop carried, and he was going to enjoy every drop of it. He held it in his mouth until his tongue tingled, then he swallowed. The liquor washed down his throat, leaving a trail of fiery sensations and a warmth in his stomach. He would finish creating the verb conjugation scheme and then head off to bed. A large yawn welled up from within him. Perhaps Greshnik, his current conlang project, could wait until morning. It would have been prudent; alcohol and systematic reasoning seldom met amicably.
Ah well, it couldn’t hurt too much if he just built the lexicon; he could very easily rework that at any time. Half an hour later, however, he stopped. Sunny felt pathetic and depressed. This was his Friday night. How in the world did he end up making up languages with nothing but alcoholic beverages for company? Now he’d had too much to drink. Wonderful. Typical. He knew that this wasn’t healthy, but he always did it anyway. Granted, getting wasted drunk wasn’t his routine, but he almost invariable had a few drinks every day. What did anypony else care? He wasn’t doing anything illegal and it certainly didn’t involve them! He piled his materials on the desk and took one last small swig of whiskey.
Another pitiful conclusion to another pitiful night.
Suddenly, a crashing sound came from outside! Several seconds later, somepony knocked on the door. Couldn’t insanity wait until morning, or at least for him to sober up? Maybe they’d go away if he didn’t make a sound. No such luck. The knocking came again, louder and more insistent. A scary thought entered Sunny’s mind: perhaps there were robbers outside! He considered grabbing his FN FAL rifle just in case. It was leaning against the wall next to him, loaded and ready. All that needed to be down was swipe the safety off and pull the trigger. Then he remembered that this was Ponyville, one of the safest towns in Equestria. The worst that could happen would be a Pinkie Pie prank.
The knocking resumed for a third time. Groaning and grumbling, Sunny Breeze stumbled towards the door. Definitely too much booze. He ignored the FAL and took care to avoid hitting a picture on the wall of four young stallions. There were no peepholes, nor were there windows, which would have allowed him to get an idea as to who was outside. He opened the door.
To his great surprise, Sunny Breeze saw a technicolor pegasus pony wearing a skintight uniform. He gaped, looked away, smacked himself in the face with his hoof, and looked back again at the visitor. Still there. Not a robber. Not a hallucination. “What is this, I don’t even…,” he mumbled, staring directly at his guest. The body was slender and lithe, yet muscular. Two dull glints stood out atop the head. Perhaps they wore glasses? He couldn’t identify who it was in the weak, flickering glow of the dying incandescent porch light. The shape was androgynous. This made no sense. Why didn’t he run away? It would have been so easy to just shut the door and walk away. In the morning, he could laugh to himself that he had just been dreaming. This was not a dream. In his dreams, he would have already been swept up by now into bliss, or shot. In his dreams, he would not be thinking of shutting the door. In his dreams, he wouldn’t have been tempted to shut the door in their face. Nevermind; that was the booze. In his dreams, ponies never really spoke as his guest was doing. Wait- his guest was talking!
“-have plans.” It was definitely a mare’s voice. Sunny Breeze shook his head vigorously. The mare seemed downcast.
Sunny raised a hoof. She had seemed rather impatient, hurrying through all the niceties and ejecting the words from her lips as if they were burning hot and she could not wait to get them out of her lungs. “Sorry, what did you say? I didn’t hear you. Who-” He had been about to ask for a name when he finally remembered to turn on the vestibule light to get better illumination. His hoof flicked up the switch and he stopped dead for a second time in. On his doormat was standing a Wonderbolt! Even more astounding than this was the matter of the Wonderbolt’s identity. He felt heat rise in his cheeks.
Rainbow Dash stood before him. Yes, that Rainbow Dash. This was the exact same one who was the element of loyalty. This was the same one who had performed sonic rainbooms unlike anypony else in history. According to rumors, which were never confirmed or denied, this was the one who had been said to have eaten Soarin alive, spat him out, and then helped herself to Photo Finish, Spitfire, and Fleetfoot. This was the Rainbow Dash, who was said to leave behind a trail of devastated liquor stores, bars, and nightclubs, as well as scandalized wives and husbands wherever she went. Well, that was what rumor held, and rumor couldn’t be trusted. He had seen her around town numerous times, but had seldom spoken with her. He had seen her perform, but never up close. And now she was on his doorstep in full uniform, goggles on her eyes, and speaking with him. This didn’t happen, not even in his dreams. The blood rushed to his cheeks. The alcohol wasn’t helping.
“What, you don’t know who I am?” The barb hit Sunny Breeze. He didn’t bite back. Rainbow Dash made what would have been eye contact if Sunny Breeze could have seen through her aerobatics goggles. “Well, mister, my name’s Rainbow Dash- the one and only.” Her chest swelled.
This finally got through his disbelief. The spell was broken. The stallion was no longer starstruck. Even if this was the real Rainbow Dash on his doorstep, she didn’t have the right to ring him up at absurd hours of the early morning, nearly give him a coronary, and insult him. He was too drunk to just take it, but not drunk enough to be nasty. “Save it for Saturday,” he shot back, swinging his door shut.
“Wait!” A hoof pushed against his door. It was significantly stronger, so he yielded. The unexpected force made him stagger a bit. Rainbow Dash blurted, “I’m sorry, but this can’t wait. Besides, it’s Saturday right now!” He didn’t know much about Rainbow’s character, but he would never have put her as the dramatic or panicky type, especially with how Pinkie had described her as a great steadfast friend. There was probably a perfectly normal explanation for this turn of events. Sleep could be delayed. It couldn’t hurt to give his visitor just half a minute to say her piece.
Sunny cocked an eyebrow and looked up into her lenses. All he got was glare and his reflection. “What is it?” He was ready for anything. Maybe she couldn’t find one of her friends, or possible she was in need of something. It couldn’t be too far out of the ordinary. Sunny braced himself for whatever was to come next. That damnable blushing of his had not yet quit!
Rainbow got the message. Nevertheless, she was undeterred. “The Spring Equinox festival in honor of Princess Luna is today and I was wondering if you’d like to go with me, unless you have plans...” Again, Sunny Breeze froze in surprise. His mind stalled. This couldn’t be right. Rainbow Dash has just asked him out on a date and hadn’t been sarcastic. A mare had voluntarily come around to his apartment who was not either his mother, Pinkie Pie, or the landmare on rent day.
The pegasus looked expectantly at him. She raised a hoof and tapped him on the head. “Hello, anypony home?” Her ministrations were unsuccessful. She rallied again, calling, “Rainbow Dash to Sunny Breeze, Rainbow Dash to Sunny Breeze, do you copy? Words twice- do you copy, over?” No luck. “I think I broke him,” she said aloud deliberately, as if she were trying to dare the unicorn out of his shocked state. Impatiently, she shook him harder. He recoiled and stepped back sheepishly. His cheeks were luminescent red now. Rainbow Dash knew that there was no way that he hadn’t heard her, nor could he have mistaken her meaning, no matter how sleepy or drunk he was. She tried to make eye contact with him. He wouldn’t cooperate with her.
Rainbow almost advanced on him to prevent him from running away, but she stopped herself; forcing entry into somepony’s apartment uninvited was not her agenda. Besides, there wasn’t any time for such shenanigans. If she didn’t catch up with her teammates soon, then there’d be hell to pay. After all, she had supposedly gone to the library to return a Daring Do book. She facehoofed. This was not going as planned. The mare had expected the stallion to come running to the door at the prospect of company, and upon seeing the one and only Rainbow Dash, been completely overjoyed. She then would’ve gone for the kill, inviting him to attend the Spring Equinox festival with her. He would have been too excited to refuse the offer. He probably would accept anypony’s offer, seeing as she knew from Pinkie Pie that Sunny Breeze didn’t have many friends, was definitely single, and anxious to have any sort of chance with a mare. By rights, having a ravishingly gorgeous mare who flew in the Wonderbolts come to him requesting company ought to have been the easiest choice in the world for him to make. Instead, it had not gone smoothly and the awkward scene was only dragging on for longer and longer.
Sunny Breeze was not having a great time, either. In short, a rude somepony he scarcely knew was forcing her company on him and expecting him to be thrilled by the equivalent of having to make chocolate pudding at four in the morning because Princess Celestia and her court had suddenly decided to commandeer the whole apartment block before making him head chef, during which he was being given an Equestrian history test in Drakespeak and being humiliated for each mistake and hesitation. He had been dead tired and wanted to go to bed when Rainbow Dash arrived on the scene. He had opened his door for a complete stranger who hadn’t given him the courtesy of even identifying themselves. This had frightened him. Had he been thinking more clearly, he almsot certainly would have brought the FAL with him out of habit if nothing else. He opened the door and immediately got talked at by a strange pony standing uncomfortably close to him before he could even get his bearings. Next, he discovered that his visitor was none other than Rainbow Dash herself. While this wouldn’t have been too much to bear normally, sleep deprivation, having too much to drink, and the fact that it was some forsaken early hour of the morning had slowed his brain to a crawl. After that, his unexpected visitor behaved like a narcissistic mule and then went on a condescending, self-aggrandizing tangent before insulting his intelligence and then suddenly putting him on the spot with a date offer. Now she was manhandling his body while acting like he was inconveniencing her!
And now she had forced her way into his flat. His usual response would have been to grab his rifle, if he hadn’t started stuffing his mess out of sight. These were abnormal circumstances. His head was just so full of thoughts and emotions that he couldn’t think properly. The stallion blushed even harder than before. He had just been deliberately touched by a mare twice, and now she was in his apartment, giving him what must have been very intent stares from behind her goggles. It ought to have been simple, but it was complicated. On one hoof, he had just been handed an opportunity to spend time with an extremely attractive mare at a festival. On the other hoof, it seemed far too good to be true. And then his private space had been violated. That was a major concern, for Sunny was intensely private and liked to be asked before visitors entered. Lastly, he was in not fit state to make decisions. There seemed to be only one way out of this.
Rainbow Dash took a look around the foyer. She was backing Sunny Breeze against what was probably his closet door. She was anxious for a response, for she had to get moving without delay. He was now trapped between her hooves and the door. Dead end. No exit. At least he was now marginally calmer and more collected. Rainbow Dash noted how furiously he was blushing and tried to suppress a chuckle. It failed. “What’s so funny,” he squeaked. He was now trying to phase through the solid wood of the door, or at least get this possessed mare off of him before he either got a heart attack or died of embarrassment.
“Nothing,” lied Rainbow dash.
“You’re mocking me, aren’t you,” asked Sunny Breeze.
“No I’m not!”
“Then what are you doing?”
Rainbow heaved a massive sigh. How could she have botched this simple visit so badly? Train wreck was the word. She backed away from him. “Alright, look,” she began. “I’m on a tight schedule here. I gotta get back to practice, but let me explain.” Sunny gave her a look. “Can it! See, I’m single again and my friend, Pinkie Pie, told me all about you. She said you’d be perfect for me. You’re stable, sane, and you’re a nice stallion. Plus, wimpy guys like you are cute. I know it’s kinda last minute, but I was just passing by and thought it’d be worth giving you a shot as my date for the Spring Equinox festival.” Sunny Breeze’s pupils contracted at the mention of Pinkie Pie and he seemed to come back to his senses.
“This is a prank, isn’t it?” He stared up at Rainbow Dash without emotion. He was blushing slightly less furiously now that she was no longer pinning him bodily against the closet door.
Rainbow Dash shook her head vigorously. “No no no! It’s not a prank, honest. I mean it.” She was now the one caught off balance.
Sunny was still skeptical but processing everything. The stallion couldn’t quite believe what was happening to him; he didn’t trust his guest, or her story, or her motives to any degree whatsoever. That bit about being single was true; he had heard snippets on the radio that she had just gotten done with her second husband. They had separated just over a year ago, but the divorce had only been finalized recently. However, he couldn’t verify anything else about the situation. He answered her, “I understand. So, what do you want me to do exactly?”
Rainbow Dash groaned, “Just be at the entryway to the festival grounds at noon. I don’t have time to explain it all again.” There was a pause. “What’s it gonna be?”
“Sure, I’ll meet you at high noon. Just no tricks, got it?” Sunny Breeze tried to sound stern, but he just came off as silly and drunk.
“Good! See you there- bye!” Rainbow rocketed out of the foyer and up into the sky.
Sunny Breeze remained frozen for several moments. He was sweating and panting. His cheeks were flush and his pupils dilated. He weakly stumbled over to the open door, shut it, and closed the lock. He had no idea what had just transpired between him and Rainbow Dash. All he knew was that he had apparently just managed to swing a date with a sexy socialite.
Walking over the bedroom, he looked at the calendar on the wall. The still inebriated unicorn searched around for the date of Spring Equinox festival. It was on Saturday the fourteenth, which meant that he was due to meet Rainbow Dash in just seven hours! He had to be ready to take his chances with that notorious mare so well known to cause scandal in only a few hours. Madness! It really was too much to fathom at the moment. Sleep had temporarily halted his assault on him when Rainbow Dash had popped out of nowhere and practically browbeat him into accepting her offer. However, not even that pegasus was cool enough to prevent sleep from restarting its assault and redoubling its efforts. There were so many worries, though, which proved to be just as distracting to Sunny Breeze.
Why him? He knew not. Pinkie had supposedly given Rainbow Dash the idea that he was the perfect stallion for her. Rainbow Dash was not opposed to getting involved with mares. Sure, he had spoken with Pinkie Pie, and she had managed to supernaturally tease almost every little memory, secret, fear, and desire out of him. Well, not everything; there were many things that had to remain secrets, even from ponies like Pinkie Pie -- terrible memories that haunted him every hour of every day. Why did he trust Pinkie Pie to remain quiet about them? She knew that he had long nursed a soft spot for Rainbow Dash. Had she betrayed him? It was not likely. His crush on Rainbow Dash was a secret that she had made a pinkie promise to keep, and she said that losing a friend’s trust was the fastest way to lose a friend forever. There had to be more to story than what he was being told. Sunny Breeze looked at himself in the mirror above his bed. He wasn’t particularly attractive; more cute than handsome or sexy. His muscles were better developed than one might expect, though he appeared slightly hollow, as if he ate and drank far less than what was healthy for a long time. There was also a collection of noticeable scars on his body which gave a rough edge to his appearance in spite of his small frame.
For a long while, Sunny Breeze lay on his bed, gradually drifting off to sleep while his head was filled with a buzz of drunken activity. Why did Rainbow Dash choose him? What was going to happen tomorrow? Could he hope to satisfy such a mare? He hadn’t the foggiest clue as to why he had been selected out of all the mares and stallions in Equestria. With some luck, he wouldn’t be used as some sort of cult sacrifice tomorrow and Rainbow wouldn’t think him the lowliest loser to walk Equestria. Those things would happen later and sleep needed to happen now. Eventually, sleep came to Sunny, who shut his eyes with his lips curved into a true smile. His slumber was full of turbulent yet beautiful and terrible dreams. With luck, he could live out some of his own.