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You are King Vortex, the first alicorn, lord of the heavens, whose very purpose is to guide Equis through the heavens and make life possible. You are the mightiest in the world, but you are held at the mercy of your dreams of days glorious and wretched, of days before, before you became king of nothing. How did things get this way? This never was supposed to happen!
Most Dangerous Game contest entry.
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I must read this.
Prioritized and will read by Saturday.
Oh wow, this was a 2nd Person OC Alicorn done right. I love how Vortex is so fallen into his pride he can not see anything beyond himself. Nothing happens without him allowing it to, even when millennia happen without even glancing at him. Very well done. Have a like.
This is the first 2nd person Alicorn OC fic I've read that didn't make my eyes bleed.
Have a congratulatory meme.i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/610/825/eec.jpg
This was surprisingly good and compelling, you know, despite it being a 2nd person Alicorn OC fic, which just makes it all the better because you have succeeded where virtually everyone else stumbles.
that was pretty good but I feel bad for the guy
4606182 attwiw.files.wordpress.com/2013/04/chocolate_chip_cookie.jpg
Thanks to all you guys for reading and commenting. I am very pleased by all your responses, and I am glad to have written something you enjoyed. I honestly was afraid of this story turning into an epic fail, and I spent a lot of the writing process trying to figure out how I was ever going to keep this thing from falling apart into a mass of shallow characters and nonsensical logic bloated into a gigantic mass of ambition failed by competence. The feedback and responses I have gotten on this have been lovely. :)
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Can't wait to hear from you, Cromegas.
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Thanks, Europa. While I was writing this, I originally intended vanity to be the main tragic flaw, henceforth his big focus on narcissism and power. Your interpretation is a nice one. It's a good thing if a story makes you think.
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Thanks, DF&G. I figured that since I'd done 2'nd person before and experimented with alicorns, that I ought to give it my all, and I succeeded. W00T!! I appreciate your comments and how often you chime in on my stories, even if I don't always respond. Thanks, my friend.
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Mission accomplished. This story was difficult to write, and for a long time, I had no idea how to execute it; I had a concept, but no plan. What I did was start with a character who could be a Mary Sue and then treat them like a dangerous nuisance.
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That's okay, Paxbot. I do not believe that there is any one right or wrong way to feel about the story or King Vortex or the other characters. Well, to be simple, the story wouldn't work if you couldn't understand Vortex's warped mind.
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Wow, I first started reading this and I'm all like. I'm King, Sweet!
At the end I'm like Wow, I suck at being king.
You pulled off this one well, It still comes out as powerful and though not your best of works, still great.
Faving because of unique consent and an successful pull of in 2nd person Alicorn OC
A few things:
"Not for millennia have you visited another land.... You have not left your kingdom in a thousand years, technically." Uh, I think this is a contradiction.
"Your stick your teeth between your teeth" wat.jpg
"Discord is a draconequus and a master of a force that defies comprehension" So he can make rain fall up if he wants to. Therefore, Luna and Vortex can overrule each other. Problem? trollface.jpg
"Where’s you’re crown?" DISHONOR. DISHONOR ON YOU, DISHONOR ON YOUR COW...
“But what fun is there in making sense?” Good reference is good.
Discord kind of showed up out of nowhere. If they'd been having some sort of rivalry, how could Vortex not have ever left his palace? Is this like a passive-agressive post-it note fight where nobody actually confronts each other and just puts things out of place with snarky notes to annoy each other?
Is Vortex's kingdom in Equestria, or greater than Equestria? I'm really confused about how he helped them defeat Discord. How does a King just stop being king? He was the Nothing King before Discord came, right? But... they'd defeated Discord before the coronation? What is even going on?
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All in all, this was far from your best story. It was good, better than I could do, but still a big ball of confusion. As far as second person POV Alicorn OC stories go, great job. As far as your stories go... meh. I know you could do better. Sorry the whole computer fiasco (and my neediness) prevented you from utilizing your time to make it the best story it could be.
Also, have some Metallica. "Where's your crown, King Nothing?"
(Seriously, I need to get you into Metallica.)
Well done. Confusing in parts, like Nahama said, on exactly what's going on, so it definately could use more work, but that applies to just about any story.
This is one of the stronger 2nd-person fics in the contest, and Vortex is actually one of the better alicorn OCs. He certainly earns that Tragedy tag. Still, I felt this went on a little too long. We would have been better off with snapshots rather than, say, that whole scene with Discord. Plus, this needs a good editing. I suppose what I'm trying to say is, it's got the makings of a really great story, but it's not quite there yet.
One of the more effective 2nd person stories on the site. Excellent!
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Thanks! :) I actually felt it was a mess while writing it.
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Well, it came out really well!
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Thanks. And here's a photo of me doing the production:
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/234/140/9a3.jpg
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The whiskers really sell it.