Artist, writer and anything else I can do to slack off from my current projects.
Dedication here. I'm trying to get through my writer's block so I'll have to read this later. It looks good.
Oh my, I can't wait to read this. It looks very interesting.
This was SO hot. I've never liked a clopfic like I like this one.
Good job to you and Kalash93. Hats off to both of you. And shirts, and bras, and panties, and...
Excuse me while I go... relieve myself.
>>28337242833724 Glad you enjoyed. Now let's see if it can hit 1k views.
P.S: I accept photographs of topless female fans. Just thought I should mention it ;P
I'll see you on Skype later.
Here are my tits.
Enjoy your tits.
>>28338262833826 Those are nice tits.
>>28338342833834 Magnificent. I certainly enjoyed them.
There needs to be more Anthro clopfics that are this hot.
I'm glad you enjoyed our collab. Listen, though. it says right up there in the description that I'm the once who wrote all the sexy parts. Once it got to the groping, and until after the intercourse, that was me. He did help with much of the dialogue.
sooooo when the next story I'd LOVE to see a sequel
Hey do you have the link for the picture?
PoopTickler? What kind of a name is PoopTickler? *cans.wav*
Pooptickler? What the hell kind of a name is Poop Tickler? God damnit! *CANS.WAV*
I have to admit, when RD said "Let's get naked," I fell out of my chair laughing. Because Spongebob. Good job!
that is great haha my lptop is full of cum
Cardboard. Cardboard everywhere.
As is my desk chair. XD
Cardboard? What? Что? Я не понимаю.
>>28339082833908 Here's a pic of a cute chick with big hooters and a nice ass.
Hope you like.
>>28372902837290 Just what I needed. Thanks for your help
Use english. My grasp of english is evidently better then your grasp of russian, so we`ll understand each other better.
Cardboard is what I thought about when I read this story. The characters are... flat. They interact as if they were given a script and don`t care too much about it.
>>28378602837860 I understand your point. This is a one shot clopfic, and to understand the characters better I recommend you to read Rainbow in the Dark first.
Fiar enough; you're right about both things. Anyway, thanks for being honest with us and giving feedback. I'll take that in mind next time I write.
In english, weak charactesr are described as being "two-dimensional" "monodimensional" "cardboard cutouts" "weak" "flat". Flat is a very popular term for describing characters without much personality or motivation.
No, my gripe is not with the "totally out of the left field". I opened the fic being fully aware it`s building on preexisting story and pre-made romance with OC character.
What I am griping about, rather, is that the conversation does not seem like they are familiar.
For example, this gem:
“Play videogames? Watch a movie? Read comics? Or maybe we could go for a walk? I mean, you’re very athletic, so I suppose you would enjoy it more than having to spend all day here…”
Brownie comes across as if he is an actor hired to read off a script and improvise - and he totally does not care about the content. What it should be more like...
"Play games? Or watch movie? Or hey, we can even read something... Unless you`ve got plans made already, that is. C`mon, Dash, don`t keep me in suspense. What do you have in mind?"
Perhaps that would work for you, but in Brownie's case, he has a personality sort of like Fluttershy's in the sense that he's shy and a bit awkward. What you suggested he say is too confident for a character like Brownie. You have to put yourself in the shoes of the characters if you're having a difficult time understanding why something is the way it is. Brownie would never say something like what you wanted, because that's just not his personality. Just as much as Applejack is not Rarity, Brownie is not the extroverted, self-confident character you want him to be.
As for the characters being cardboard, I'd have to wholeheartedly disagree with you. While it is difficult to fully grasp the personalities of the mane 6 in fanfiction, I believe they did a pretty good job with Rainbow Dash. Brownie's character, though unfamiliar to you, is very fleshed out the the story Rainbow in the Dark, that this story was a spinoff of. It's a one shot, and it was meant to bring out the love between these two characters in an erotically pleasing manner. It's a clop piece, and for clop, they did a very good job of actually establishing a plot and the realistic feel of two lovers' first time together, rather than pointless smut with no intimacy.
I believe you should rethink your assessment of this story. However, we are all entitled to our own opinions. Just keep an open mind while reading about characters you may not understand fully.
Even Fluttershy does not point out random trivia about whoever she happens to speak up with as a way of continuing dialogue.
It`s bloody obvious Dash is athletic. Brownie, of all people, should be the one most poignantly aware of that, aside from Dash herself. Pointing it out in dialogue deprives them of all the notion of familiarity they should`ve had.
>>28359152835915 I did the exact same thing.
also this song made its way into my head soo.... it fit for me.
One of Brownie's defining characteristics is a lack of self-confidence. He's extremely nervous about the whole thing, and has minimal experience with any kind of romantic success. The character is almost painfully shy and a sensitive hopeless romantic with an inferiority complex. You could read the source material and he'd make a lot more sense.
We`re talking about different things entirely.
You try to hammer down the point "Brownie is shy", while my point is "He talks as if he never met Dash before." Seriously people... For crying out loud, had any of you ever been on a date? Did you ever say "let`s go for a walk, since you`re so athletic"? No?
Nota Bene - shy people would be the LAST ones to make comments about athleticism, since noticing how athletic one is strongly implies you`ve been staring.
Seriously people... For crying out loud, had any of you ever been on a date?
Why, yes. Yes I have. I've been with the same person for almost a year, and I still talk like that to him at times. Like it or not, people talk like that. He's flustered, he's probably got that butterfly thing going on in his stomach, I'm pretty sure this is the first time he's been to her house, and she's scantily clad and wet, so he's going to feel a bit embarrassed, because that's his personality. He probably understands how stupid he sounds afterward, because he knows it's obvious, but he's nervous and awkward and that's what came out of his mouth.
shy people would be the LAST ones to make comments about athleticism, since noticing how athletic one is strongly implies you`ve been staring.
Uh, not if athleticism is basically the person's whole life. You said it yourself. It's bloody obvious that Rainbow Dash is athletic. So the comment above is ridiculous.
I find it hard to believe you've never been Captain Obvious in your life, because everyone is at some point. That doesn't make everyone cardboard. It makes them flawed human beings.
I find it hard to believe that a couple going steady enough to consider sex (which is no small feat, considering the pride on one side, and shyness on the other) would be so awkward around each other to speak like that.
Again, my point is this - the lines do NOT feel like they`ve spoken by people familiar with each other. They sound like unmotivated actors reading off the vague script. IF Brownie`s lines had anything to do with shyness, it would be fine. Unfortunately, they reek of "I must appear shy, but I can`t be arsed to pretend well" wibe instead. Similarly, Dash`s lines can be summed up with "Yadda-yadda-yadda, going through the script, let`s fuck so I can get out of here finally."
That's enough, ladies.
Cytotoxin, you have your opinion on the dialogue and characters. Let me answer your concerns with this: you are complaining about character interractions in a oneshot spinoff clopfic; be thankful that you got more than just a flmsy 'We have compatible genitalia so let's fuck'. If you want great characters and riveting dialogue, then go read celebrated literary fiction.
Nahmala, it's just a discussion in the comment section of a fanfic. Yes, realistic dialogue can often seem silly and unrealistic, and while you don't agree with Cytotoxin's assertion, it's not worth pressing the issue.
Both of you, quit it. Take it into PM's or userpage conversations if you must. This place is not your private arena.
Thankful? I think not. If it sucks, you can be sure I will tell that much in no uncertain terms. After all, with the ability to comment comes the ability to write one`s own story - with blackjack and hookers.Which, I have to admit, is sorely tempting - I have half a mind to rewrite this story just to show it could be improved.
If you think that you can rewrite this story and do better, then prove it. I'd like to see what you can do.
Unfortunately, I`d need an author to say this in order to do it. Otherwise, it would be a case of plagiarism, as well-intended as it may have been.
Ask Sayer if you may do so. They're his characters, storyline, and scenario. As co-author, I am alright with you doing your own take on it. I say go ahead and give it your best shot.
Wow I was really impressed on how well this story was written. Nice job!
His whole world was Rainbow Dash – her warmth in his arms, her gentle breath on his fir
There are a few instances like this of words that still need to be corrected throughout. Mostly things like "he" instead of "she", and I saw a "without though" instead of "without thought" up there. You'll find them when you look for them. Oh, also, one cannot put their legs around someone when that someone has their legs already wrapped around one.
Honestly, this was a slog. Between things such as Brownie noticing Rainbow Dash's interior decorating when she's trying to pounce him and the need to sort through every emotion and thought and repeat it over and over again, I really did smack myself in the forehead half a dozen times. There's some heat, but it could have probably been condensed into a tighter package.
Hey, you're the guy ScyStorm is always on about.
Anyway, did you draw this cover art? I love it.
>>29639052963905 I wish I could say yes, but my editor found it. I'm keeping it until I can draw one myself.
Really good. A few grammatical errors, but nothing overly distracting. Helps draw Rainbow in the Dark to a satisfying conclusion (although changing them to anthro for this one chapter was a bit jarring). That being said, I ended up treating this less like a story and more like a tutorial on how to have sex. Great Goddess Amaterasu knows I need one.
>>35917083591708 Yeah, about the anthro thing, my editor didn't want pony because it was harder to write (besides, I don't like pony clop. I would probably not read this fic if it was pony style). The only reason it's witten as anthro is because we held votes with a clopping group with two options: anthro or human. Anthro won by a landslide, with one of the reasons being that human would be a self insert (after all, Brownie is my author avatar), and I didn't want that.
And besides, Through The Prism isn't the closure of Rainbow in the Dark. There's still more stories to be told about these two. Just look at my blog posts