Artist, writer and anything else I can do to slack off from my current projects.
This story is dedicated to the memory of Kiki, the little girl who died of cancer.
I hope she's happy in Equestria with her new friends.
Ever since I was a little girl, I became fascinated with unicorns and the idea of having adventures with these magical creatures. On my fifth birthday, my parents gave me a small unicorn toy, unkowingly starting the extraordinary event that changed my life.
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Okay, gotta admit, this seems like a good story. Clever way of tying things together. However, you should make it more clear as to whom the letter is for. What I mean is that the letter starts off saying that it's for her parents, and says that the letter might not be quite accurate, but then starts off when her parents met. I think you should say something like, "If this letter was sent off the mark-whether by a little or a lot-you should probably know a little about my family." to make the transition more fluid.
Also, we never really know who her human friends are. Also, I'm not sure that I got it, but shouldn't there be a friend or two at the hospital? Not just her parents?
Finally, after staying a few months in Equestria, she should have gotten some help to finding out how she actually got in Equestria. Any body know how to request an audience with the princess?
Other than that, though, you have the workings of an excellent letter from an HiE. Sorry about the quips, just wanted to put in my two cents.
2512518 Don't worry, you're free to express yourself.
I admit I forgot an explanation of why she writes her life down in a letter. Thanks for pointing out.
I know I left the friends out, but you could chalk it to "Only family" moment. When my grandpa was in the hospital, they only allowed two familiars at the same time, so I don't know about friends.
Well, she's still not sure if it's real or a fantasy, so she's still trying to find out what really happened before jumping to a conclussion. It makes sense, right?
This isn't really my type of story, honestly. It's an interesting exercise and I'm glad to have helped you with it. It's certainly an interesting exercise in characterization as well as an experiment in writing a different kind of story. It's not usual for background ponies to get much characterization or backstory other than what the fandom assigns to them as a signle defining trait. Explaining the underlying cause of Lyra's alleged obsessions with humans is actually an interesting story, and the HiE approach makes it both logical and poignant. It's a fine little oneshot. I'd say that it's just okay. The letter actually sounds like something that a teenager would write. The grammar and mechanics were sometimes rough. This story gets 5/10 flutteryays, which is average.
2512623Thanks for the comment. I admi the grammar isn't a selling point, but since most characters of the series are estimated to be teenagers, I think this fits better as the characterization. But maybe it's just me trying to find an excuse to my bad writing skills, who knows?
This was a touching story.
I liked this before I even read it!!!
The title was just priceless!
waaaaaaaaaaaaaa it's amazig a very very good job =) =)
2.bp.blogspot.com/-7OndL0rUYwY/TvFkteMbOGI/AAAAAAAACC8/zfTwyevXmVc/s1600/101286+-+animated+grin+pinkie_pie+smile+squee.gif
This is Kalash93 from Authors Helping Authors with a review for your story.
Grammatik: 8. It's mostly good with the odd error or clunky syntax here and there.
Pros:
1. I really like the premise and how it explains Lyra's fanon obsession with humans.
2. The letter aspect makes it interesting, as we have to wonder what the outcome was and how the letter came into our awareness.
3. It did everything it was intended to do.
Cons:
1. I would have liked to have known a bit more about your protagonist's life on earth.
2. The letter doesn't feel as if it was written for "Lyra's" parents.
3. I would have liked to have gotten more knowledge about what the family life was like.
Comments:
I like the premise. Often, Lyra's fanon obsession with humans is treated as a funny joke and a defining character trait without reason, sort of like a little cute neuroses. You, however, explored this in a way most writers neglect. The letter is an interesting way of telling a story, and one that I rather like because it forces the author to be direct and not waste space. The letter and story did everything they needed to do; set up the story, introduce characters, create a plotline, and resolve the story, all within the very efficient span of 1500 words. Now, I would have liked to have known more about the past life of Lyra. I feel as if it was a missed moment of opportunity to really make the loneliness of suddenly being in Equestria stand out all the more poignantly. Secondly, the letter doesn't feel as if it were written for "Lyra's" parents. I'll forgive that for being sort of necessary, as well as preparing for the contingency of the letter not being received by them. Finally, I feel that you should have elaborated more on how Lyra and her parents interacted and got along. This would have made us feel more and care more about their separation.
Overall, I enjoyed this story and hope that you improve as well as write more in the future. You win 6/10 flutteryays, which is just above average.
I hope you enjoyed your review. Please, could you give my story, Welcome to the Brothel, a look? (URL: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/88520/welcome-to-the-brothel) Thank you very much.
2859981 Thanks for the review. You pointed out one of my exact thoughts with this fic (Mostly about how the letter looked as if it wasn't addressed to Lyra's parents). Fortunately there's suspension of disbelief. I'll work on a review for you fic soon
I really like it, reminds me of when Lauren Faust was a child. But if i could add anything to it, i would add the reflection of the toy pony as Lyra. But if you don`t want spoilers, then you don't have to.
2907829 Yeah, I supposse that I got my inspiration from there. And I'm working on a cover where the toy looks exactly like Lyra (I don't think anypony will discover the ending because of such detail).
3124868
Actually, if you follow string theory and universal harmonics, it makes an odd kind of sense that Lyra would be able to send letters across dimensions. After all, no one said that musical strings were the only things Lyra could pluck. Further, it wouldn't take that much energy to do so if she was indeed manipulating superstrings and abusing universal harmonics.
This story has been reviewed by: The Equestrian Critics Society
Story title: The girl who loved unicorns
Author: Sayer
Review by: BronyWriter
The story is decently written in terms of mechanics, but there is a deeper storyline that the author never delves into. There are stereotypical aspects (died and went to Equestria has been done a ton) and plot points that make no sense.
On top of that, the readers are never shown anything. We are told that the protagonist is happy or sad or scared. When a letter is written, especially to lost family members, there are a plethora of emotions that go into that, and we as readers do not experience them. This story was 1600 words, but to fully go into the emotional potential, it should have been at least two or three times as long.
Full review with spoilers
Final Score: 4/10
This was beautiful, and reminded me of a friend I lost a few years ago. I only hope he's in a better place now.