The girl who loved unicorns

by Sayer

The girl who loved unicorns

Edited and revised by kalash93. Thanks for everything, pal!

I don’t know if anyone will ever find this, as it’s the first time I’m trying this teleportation spell and I have no idea if it’ll work. This letter is addressed to my parents. I don’t know if they’re still living in my old house, or if they moved during the time it took me to write this, but I’d like to explain my story, hoping that maybe somebody will get this letter to its destination. I’m currently writing from someplace that’s not earth, although I don’t know if I’m on another planet, in a different dimension, or both. This place called Equestria is a peaceful land filled with magic, mystical creatures, and talking ponies. As weird as that might sound, I am making none of this up. If this letter was sent off the mark-whether by a little or a lot, I think you should probably know a little about my family. My name is Lara Henderson, and this is my story.

My parents were from a small city in the United Kingdom. Although I can’t exactly remember the city’s name, I remember that it was somewhat important. My parents fell in love with each other in high school, and they went together to the same university, getting married a few years after graduating. My father worked for an important company, and when my mother got pregnant, he was offered the chance to work in America for a bigger salary. It wasn’t easy to convince her to move, but she ultimately agreed.

After moving to America, we rented a big apartment in the center of New York, near Central Park. Ever since I was a little girl, I enjoyed looking out my window at the landscape below. I always considered the park like my garden, a new world full of adventures and magical creatures welcoming me into their world. But let’s go back to what’s important: This story began on my fifth birthday.

I remember that day like it was yesterday, always keeping it stored in my chest of precious memories. I spent most of the previous night awake and trembling with excitement. As soon as the first beep of the alarm clock echoed through the hallway and reached my room, I dashed towards my parents’ room and woke them up. I still can feel their arms wrapped against my body and kissing my forehead as they wished me a happy birthday before they went to get my present.

It had been hidden it on the top of the closet, where they knew I couldn’t reach it, even while standing on a chair. As soon as I got my hands on the package, I quickly stripped the wrapping paper like I was peeling an onion. That’s when I found it: A mint unicorn toy with a small comb to brush her hair. I hugged my dad and thanked him for this birthday before I ran back to my room to play with my new toy. I remember spending all day playing with her, and even giving her a name: Minty Leaf. Ever since that day, I have always liked unicorns and anything related to them, learning in my search of knowledge about a cartoon series called My Little Pony. I was amazed to find out that not only it included unicorns, but also pegasi and the mundane earth ponies. It didn’t take me too long before I wanted to join them on their adventures.

Whenever I visited Central Park, I always imagined myself having exciting adventures with Minty and defeating evil monsters along with the main characters of the show. I scribbled countless drawings in every blank paper I got my hooves on; I could probably make a tower as tall as the Empire State Building with them. Minty was my favorite toy and my only “friend”; as time went on, I started to lose all interest in all other things to the point I only cared about my little toy. My parents were worried that I would eventually turn into an outcast, so one day, they confronted me with a choice.

I could either make some friends, get some fresh air and forget this entire obsession with my little pony, or they would get rid of everything for me.

With no other options, I took my little unicorn and everything related to her, and stored her safely inside a box I placed inside my closet. My passion became buried beneath lots of clothes and shoes, forgotten for years to come. My heart was filled with grief and sadness, but in the end, I knew my parents were right about this whole ordeal. I had become trapped inside myself and neglected the outside world just because I wanted a friend, instead of going out and meeting real people.

It took me some time, but I finally made some friends, real friends to talk to, hang out with, and play together. It took me a few tries before finding out who were my true friends, but the experience helped me grow as a person. It was in high school when I discovered my passion for music and how inspiring it was when played with your heart. Everypony always told me that I had talent for this, and boy, they were right. My favorite instrument was the guitar. Whenever I got my hands on one, my fingers moved by themselves as if they were alive and I were merely a spectator watching them as they roamed freely between the strings, composing the melodies by themselves. It was the best sensation in the world, and I often imagined myself in a rock band, doing tours around the world, signing autographs, and becoming famous and beloved by my fans. I had dreams like all mares around my age, until the thing happened.

It happened on a Friday when I was coming back home from an audition for a local rock band. They had loved my performance and welcomed me to join them for practice. It had been the best day of my life, and I couldn’t wait to tell my family about it! In my excitement, I crossed the street without confirming that it was clear. All I remember is a screeching sound beside me, a claxon, and blinding lights, before my body was violently launched through the air and crashing against the asphalt.

I lost consciousness, only to wake up in a hospital bed with a doctor looking at some files. My parents were there, holding my hands. They told me that I had been in an accident and that I was lucky to be alive. The doctor explained to me that I would soon go in for surgery, as my condition was still critical. My mother asked me if there was something she could do for me. I already knew the answer. I asked her to bring me my little unicorn; I wanted to have my best friend at my side before being brought to the operating room so she could protect me. My mother went back home, promising to bring it back while my father stayed at my side the whole time, trying to comfort me through my pain and his tears. I told him about how I was accepted into the band, and he replied that I had always had a talent for music, and that one day, I would probably start my own band and become famous.

After a while, my mother came back with my little unicorn doll. She was just as I remembered, as if time didn’t have an effect on my pony, even after all these years of waiting for me. My parents soon left the room, promising me to come back tomorrow and buy me another unicorn doll. I thanked them for everything as I hugged my little friend before falling asleep again.

When I woke up, I found myself in a strange world that I had never seen before. It was a new world filled with colorful ponies that spoke. There were eve pegasi and unicorns! It was just like in My Little Pony. Curious, I looked down, and discovered that I had hooves – I had been turned into a pony! I searched for the nearest mirror, and looked at my new body. I was the exact same pastel green, blue, and white! That’s when I noticed the horn on my forehead, and the instrument that seemed to have been plastered on my flanks.

It’s been months since I arrived here, although I don’t know if it’s real or I’m still sleeping in the hospital bed, but it doesn’t matter to me. I researched magic until I found one that could help me send this letter. I’m very happy here, and if this letter ever reaches you, then I want you to know that I miss you a lot. You did everything you could for me, and I’m grateful for that. You’re the best parents I could ever wish for.

Oh, right. I forgot to tell you that I changed my name. A human name was very strange in Equestria; after all, it is the land of ponies. Anyway, I thought of one that fits my special talent.

With love,

Lyra Heartstrings

Author's Note:

My first try at making an orginal story concerning Lyra and her "obsession" (or knowledge, whatever your headcanon is) with humans with an original idea and short story.

Comments

[Musleblast]

Okay, gotta admit, this seems like a good story. Clever way of tying things together. However, you should make it more clear as to whom the letter is for. What I mean is that the letter starts off saying that it's for her parents, and says that the letter might not be quite accurate, but then starts off when her parents met. I think you should say something like, "If this letter was sent off the mark-whether by a little or a lot-you should probably know a little about my family." to make the transition more fluid.

Also, we never really know who her human friends are. Also, I'm not sure that I got it, but shouldn't there be a friend or two at the hospital? Not just her parents?

Finally, after staying a few months in Equestria, she should have gotten some help to finding out how she actually got in Equestria. Any body know how to request an audience with the princess?

Other than that, though, you have the workings of an excellent letter from an HiE. Sorry about the quips, just wanted to put in my two cents.

[Sayer]

2512518 Don't worry, you're free to express yourself.
I admit I forgot an explanation of why she writes her life down in a letter. Thanks for pointing out.
I know I left the friends out, but you could chalk it to "Only family" moment. When my grandpa was in the hospital, they only allowed two familiars at the same time, so I don't know about friends.
Well, she's still not sure if it's real or a fantasy, so she's still trying to find out what really happened before jumping to a conclussion. It makes sense, right?

[kalash93]

This isn't really my type of story, honestly. It's an interesting exercise and I'm glad to have helped you with it. It's certainly an interesting exercise in characterization as well as an experiment in writing a different kind of story. It's not usual for background ponies to get much characterization or backstory other than what the fandom assigns to them as a signle defining trait. Explaining the underlying cause of Lyra's alleged obsessions with humans is actually an interesting story, and the HiE approach makes it both logical and poignant. It's a fine little oneshot. I'd say that it's just okay. The letter actually sounds like something that a teenager would write. The grammar and mechanics were sometimes rough. This story gets 5/10 flutteryays, which is average.

[Sayer]

2512623Thanks for the comment. I admi the grammar isn't a selling point, but since most characters of the series are estimated to be teenagers, I think this fits better as the characterization. But maybe it's just me trying to find an excuse to my bad writing skills, who knows?

[unicorn92243]

This was a touching story.

[D3SERTW0LF312]

I liked this before I even read it!!!

The title was just priceless!

[DUBMAR3000]

waaaaaaaaaaaaaa it's amazig a very very good job =) =)
2.bp.blogspot.com/-7OndL0rUYwY/TvFkteMbOGI/AAAAAAAACC8/zfTwyevXmVc/s1600/101286+-+animated+grin+pinkie_pie+smile+squee.gif

[kalash93]

This is Kalash93 from Authors Helping Authors with a review for your story.

Grammatik: 8. It's mostly good with the odd error or clunky syntax here and there.

Pros:

1. I really like the premise and how it explains Lyra's fanon obsession with humans.
2. The letter aspect makes it interesting, as we have to wonder what the outcome was and how the letter came into our awareness.
3. It did everything it was intended to do.

Cons:

1. I would have liked to have known a bit more about your protagonist's life on earth.
2. The letter doesn't feel as if it was written for "Lyra's" parents.
3. I would have liked to have gotten more knowledge about what the family life was like.

Comments:

I like the premise. Often, Lyra's fanon obsession with humans is treated as a funny joke and a defining character trait without reason, sort of like a little cute neuroses. You, however, explored this in a way most writers neglect. The letter is an interesting way of telling a story, and one that I rather like because it forces the author to be direct and not waste space. The letter and story did everything they needed to do; set up the story, introduce characters, create a plotline, and resolve the story, all within the very efficient span of 1500 words. Now, I would have liked to have known more about the past life of Lyra. I feel as if it was a missed moment of opportunity to really make the loneliness of suddenly being in Equestria stand out all the more poignantly. Secondly, the letter doesn't feel as if it were written for "Lyra's" parents. I'll forgive that for being sort of necessary, as well as preparing for the contingency of the letter not being received by them. Finally, I feel that you should have elaborated more on how Lyra and her parents interacted and got along. This would have made us feel more and care more about their separation.

Overall, I enjoyed this story and hope that you improve as well as write more in the future. You win 6/10 flutteryays, which is just above average.

I hope you enjoyed your review. Please, could you give my story, Welcome to the Brothel, a look? (URL: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/88520/welcome-to-the-brothel) Thank you very much.

[Sayer]

2859981 Thanks for the review. You pointed out one of my exact thoughts with this fic (Mostly about how the letter looked as if it wasn't addressed to Lyra's parents). Fortunately there's suspension of disbelief. I'll work on a review for you fic soon

[timburton2]

I really like it, reminds me of when Lauren Faust was a child. But if i could add anything to it, i would add the reflection of the toy pony as Lyra. But if you don`t want spoilers, then you don't have to.

[Sayer]

2907829 Yeah, I supposse that I got my inspiration from there. And I'm working on a cover where the toy looks exactly like Lyra (I don't think anypony will discover the ending because of such detail).

[The Dimension Traveler]

3124868

Actually, if you follow string theory and universal harmonics, it makes an odd kind of sense that Lyra would be able to send letters across dimensions. After all, no one said that musical strings were the only things Lyra could pluck. Further, it wouldn't take that much energy to do so if she was indeed manipulating superstrings and abusing universal harmonics.

[BronyWriter]

This story has been reviewed by: The Equestrian Critics Society

Story title: The girl who loved unicorns

Author: Sayer

Review by: BronyWriter

The story is decently written in terms of mechanics, but there is a deeper storyline that the author never delves into. There are stereotypical aspects (died and went to Equestria has been done a ton) and plot points that make no sense.

On top of that, the readers are never shown anything. We are told that the protagonist is happy or sad or scared. When a letter is written, especially to lost family members, there are a plethora of emotions that go into that, and we as readers do not experience them. This story was 1600 words, but to fully go into the emotional potential, it should have been at least two or three times as long.

Full review with spoilers

Final Score: 4/10

[Ice Star]

I was amazed to find out that not only it included unicorns, but also pegasi and the mundane earth ponies.

[The Blue EM2]

This was beautiful, and reminded me of a friend I lost a few years ago. I only hope he's in a better place now.