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It Ain't Food2,113 words

It Ain't Food

April 18th, 2012

I remember the smell when I walked out of the McDonald’s into the Chicago air. It smelled like shit. Shit wrapped in smog, urine, body odor and god knows what else. A ghastly combination of odors that reinforced my hatred for the urban lifestyle. So, like any sane human being, I did whatever I could to rid my nostrils of the putrid stench by lighting up a Marlboro and leaning up against the wall.

It took a little while, but after a few minutes I managed to quell the rage that had built up inside of me through my ‘interaction’ with her bitchiness, Sarah. Something about her just made me want to punch a baby, yet at the same time, I wanted to take her home and bang her like a steel drum, and that notion bothered me to no end. Here I was trying to help a pony gone sapien on her journey home, and I was feeding a thought process based solely around sex.

So lost in my own head was I, that I hadn’t even noticed the shady character standing a little too close to my bike. So close, in fact, that he was rummaging around in my saddlebags like a racoon in suburbia. Knowing that he was likely some cracked out tweaker, I did what any ill-behaved redneck would, I reached up and felt around my jacket where I had stashed the 1911, and with grim determination, wrapped my hand around the business end and briskly walked up to him. He didn’t hear me walk up and pistol whip him in broad daylight.

I don’t know when he woke up, but I’m sure that coming back to consciousness soaked in another man’s piss with the contents of his wallet strewn about his person and his crack pipe shattered next to him would qualify for a very bad day. Either way, I walked away with an extra forty dollars, thanks to some idiot who thought it was a bright idea to pilfer somebody’s stuff.

“Welcome back,” Cody said dismissively as I walked up to the the booth and leaned against the wall.

I shrugged “Good to be back I s’pose.” I noticed that they hadn’t said much, so i decided to get them talking. “Ya’ll have fun while I was away?”

“Well, it weren’t no Pinkie Pie Party, but it was alright,” Applejack said with a small smile.

Cody seemed a tad off-put by AJ’s comment “Hey, it’s the thought that counts, right?”

“Yeah,” Dash decided to pipe up this time. “You’re right.”

So it wasn’t exactly a crazy hootananny, but I suppose it was more of a ‘glad to know you’re alive, let's just bask quietly in the good news’ type of deal. “I see... Well, I figure it’s high time we got ourselves a room for the night,” I mentioned as I pulled my wallet out and started counting how much money I had. “What do you guys think?”

“Can me an RD share a room?” Applejack asked with an expectant grin. I wasn’t exactly surprised by this notion, it just so happens that bronies have branded an idea into my head that I didn’t exactly want to know the truth about.

“I don’t see why not,” Cody supplied whimsically, God only knows what perverted thoughts just ran a trail of wildfire through his tiny noggin. “What do you think, RD?”

“What do you think? Of course it’s alright!” the former pegasus practically shouted. Notions be damned... I suppressed a laugh as a thought of two scantily clad, former ponies bounced around a hotel room performing an assortment of things ranging from a G to an R rating.

“Well as long as you two aren’t having crazy cowboy buttsex,” I replied with a smirk. “It’ll be alright. “ I looked over at Cody as he sat wolfing down some french fries. “Guess that means me an’ Cody’ll share a room an’ Sarah can sleep in the dumpster outside.” She needed to know who was the boss around here after all.

“Screw that. I’m renting a room of my own where you guys aren’t invited.” She said it in such a way that, if I gave half a damn, I might have gotten a little choked up. “With the exception of RD and AJ, of course.”

“Yeah, have fun with that.” I waved her off and looked to Rainbow, who seemed preoccupied with notions of hanging out with one of her best friends for a whole night. “So Dash, you wanna ride with me on the way there? I bet you’d like it.”

“Sure, I guess.” Dash shrugged. “Why do you ask?”

“I reckon it’s the closest you’re gonna get to flying while you’re here.” Truth be told, it really is when you don’t have wings. You’ve got the wind in your face and you just float across the ground nice and smooth. It’s like flying, just... Not.

Dash looked at me as if I’d shot her dog. “Are you serious!?”

“As a heart attack.” I nudged Applejack with a smug grin. “Tell ‘er AJ.”

Applejack sat quietly for a second. I suppose she was doing her best to compare riding to something she’d never truly done before. “Ah don’t rightfully know, havin’ never flown before. But I figure he’s just about right.” She shrugged and went back to picking at her food. Something definitely seemed off about her. There was no way of knowing what exactly was going on, but I didn’t think she would be this quiet and antisocial, especially around her best friend.

“There ya go.” I pulled myself away from the wall and started stretching my arms. “So whenever y’all are ready, we can head out.”

“Alright, but first let the girls finish their meals,” I heard Cody say as I cracked my neck. “I know Rainbow Dash hasn’t eaten since we got here except for the snacks we packed, and that’s because Sarah drove non-stop to reach Chicago.”

‘You poor bastard’ my mind cried in sincere sorrow for the boy. But given his answer, I had to respond as per my demeanor toward the person in question. “Well...” I couldn’t help it. Cody had set me up and I had to go with it. “That’s why you shouldn’t let women drive.” I finished with a laugh that ended in a series of coughs.

Sarah made an attempt to kick my leg, but I managed to shuffle out of the way. “I blame the traffic. Now shut up and sit down like us normal people before you start attracting attention.”

“Well, I happen to like attention.” I tried to ignore the fact that some girl was just trying to order me around. But it wasn’t easy, so I opted for an alternative. “In any case, I’ll be outside waiting for ya’ll.”

“So you’re not going to eat?” Cody asked as I turned on my heel to start walking back outside.

“You must be blind,” I quipped as I turned back around and motioned to where I had sat earlier. “Cause I already ate.”

“You sure? I can see food where you sat and I know for a fact that an awesome pony like myself can see perfectly clear.”

‘Don’t let that notion get to your head,’ My mind sang “Lettuce ain’t food...” Argue with me all you want. That stuff is for rabbits and people who are too scared to grow a pair. Besides, I like my beef still mooing at me when I go to eat it.

Rainbow looked dumbfounded. Truth hurts, I know. “What?! It is too! We wouldn’t be eating it if it wasn’t food, genius.”

“Do I look like a rabbit to you? I eat food, not plants.” I will not be subjected to the horror that is healthy food mixed with fatty, sub-par fast food ‘cuisine’. It’s as simple as that. However, if you throw biscuits into the equation, especially the flaky kind or the ones you get from Red Lobster, the only thing you’ll get from me is the constant sound of chewing and moans of ecstasy that bordered bedroom noises.

“Oh, so you think we’re just animals to you? Huh?” Rainbow made a show of standing up and slapping her hands down on the table for emphasis. It spoke volumes of her tendency for hot-headedness, not that it bothered me all that much.

‘Way to take things out of context Dash.’ I was beginning to wonder whether or not light hearted banter and joking was, in fact, not a universal language. “If you wanna be an animal, that’s your prerogative. I just happen to know what tastes good an’ what don’t.”

“Peroga- What?” Something was telling me that Dash, no matter how much she liked Daring Do, had yet to pick up a dictionary, and it seemed that speakin’ fancy, as Applejack would say, was a surefire way of getting her off track and confused. “Speak Equestrian please.”

I waved my hand around to try and come up with an easy way to define ‘prerogative’, “It’s a fancy word for ‘your deal’.” For once in my life, I actually felt relatively smart. “An’ I ain’t speakin’ Equestrian, I’m speakin’ ‘Murican.”

Without missing a beat, Rainbow Dash shot back. “Equestrian... ‘Merican or whatever. Same difference.” She finished with a violent bite of her salad.

“Anyway, like I said.” I motioned toward the exit. “Outside. Waiting. Ya’ll have fun in here.”

“Why you...” I didn’t really think of it before, but Dash gets cute when she frowns. I just figured I should point that out, what with the way her cheeks get flushed and she sticks her bottom lip out a bit. “Fine, have fun doing your boring stuff. I’ll be eating this salad you call ‘plants and not food’.” Her tone made it clear that she was not quite done discussing her leafy greens, much to my chagrin.

“Well don’t let fear and common sense hold you back,” I said with a wave as I turned tail to walk out the door. I stopped at the door and gave Dash one last look before I called in my trump card. “Also, you got a fly on your salad,” I said with extra emphasis on ‘salad’ simply to irk her.

I could still hear her as I walked through the entryway. “A fly? Hey, get out of here! This is my food!” I could only imagine she started swatting wildly at the pesky infectious insect with a newfound fervor.

As the rest of our little crew stumbled out the door, I started the bike and motioned for Dash to hop on. I could tell she was hesitant just from the roar of the engine, but after Applejack gave her a reassuring nod, she climbed on with me.

“Two things!” She shouted over the deep rumble being emitted by 1500 cc’s of American Steel. “First, how the hay can you be around this thing? It’s so loud! And second, salad is so food!”

“One,” I said back “I like ‘em loud. Two, no.” I decided to reject her chance at a rebuttal and popped into first then scooted off down the road in search of a good hotel for the night.

Thirty minutes, one extremely secure parking space and one slightly pissed off hillbilly later, I managed to find a nice hotel that didn’t cost an arm and a leg. I had decided that, given our location, it would be a good idea to pay the security personnel to watch the Hog like hawks throughout the night. I pulled out my phone and sent the address to Cody who, I assumed, would relay the information to Queen Bitch. Then I paid for two rooms, one for Cody and I, the other for Applejack and Dash. I also made sure that AJ’s bag was stashed in her room with RD, and all my gear was with me.

Figuring it’d be awhile till Cody found the room, I turned on the T.V. and navigated through the available channels out of curiosity. Then I found it, the Pay Per View section. I saw a title that struck my fancy and clicked ‘buy’. Who knew that a cooking show could be so hot and steamy?

Author's Note:

So I know it's short and all, but there's reasons for this. I need to keep things kinda tight until Silverness can get caught up. THEN, and only then, will the two of us be able to put our heads together and get things settled and figured out right ricky tick. So yeah, hope you enjoyed.

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