sorry for the break but i spent a night with the first batch, and again sorry but you need a coma after the from, because that break will emphasizes the later part and it makes more sense both grammatically and lyrically
Something that was hunting her, even now.
i think "that" needs to drop or you need to write it as that something and ad a coma after it
mare's every instinct
not asking you to change it since it makes sense but a better alternative is "very instincts" since, in this context, it adds more tension and describes how deary is Patch's situation in reality
turned around it was hard to say
sorry but a break is necessary after around so a comma is needed
but the farm pony just had to...
Keep. Moving.
not sure if that new paragraph was necessary there since the effect is the same with or without that break in the paragraph, both the visual one and the lyrical one
toward exactly what she
I'm pretty sure Exactly could be between commas those two brakes will help with the pacing of the phrase, but this is just up to you
Are these my thoughts, or someone else's?
question mark and capitalized "o" of "on" would have the same effect
Can I really trust my own senses, my own thoughts anymore, after everything I've seen? After what I've... after what I've done?
same as before, every comma changed with question mark and the normal lettering after them in the first part of this paragraph amd one question mark after the three dots with normal sentence-case afterwards
It went beyond that, though, didn't it?
are you sure this is not one of her thoughts? It'll make more sense
As if in answer there was
comma after answer other wise the sentence is to long
causing firenados break out.
there's a to missing in here
the tiny body had clearly belonged to a filly
you are missing a that in here
From beneath a tiny blue bonnet there spilled curly red hair that framed a face flecked with freckles. It was the eyes that truly arrested her attention. Though they were blank and lifeless, they still shone a familiar brilliant green as they looked up at her accusingly.
you had a chance to redescribe patch here for the ones that only started to read from this part of the series, although i don't remember you fully describing her ever in the series, except maybe for the sunset encounter and the every time you described the candy mare, but you didn't took that chnce
The sick rules of the game her tormentors were playing with her had allowed her to forget for a time.
her tormentors were playing with her between commas otherwise the pacing is broken
She was becoming what she hated and feared the most...
Herself.
unnecessary paragraph break here, the effect was achieved already if you would've just put Herself in italics after the three dots
sorry for the break but i spent a night with the first batch, and again sorry but you need a coma after the from, because that break will emphasizes the later part and it makes more sense both grammatically and lyrically
No worries.
turned around it was hard to say
Fair enough.
not sure if that new paragraph was necessary there since the effect is the same with or without that break in the paragraph, both the visual one and the lyrical one
unnecessary paragraph break here, the effect was achieved already if you would've just put Herself in italics after the three dots
Fiiiine.
I'm pretty sure Exactly could be between commas those two brakes will help with the pacing of the phrase, but this is just up to you
Yeah, that makes sense there.
are you sure this is not one of her thoughts? It'll make more sense
I was iffy on that one, but if you think it works, sure.
there's a to missing in here
Indeed there is.
you are missing a that in here
I don't see where adding a that would help. I could replace 'the' with 'that' if you think that would read better though.
you had a chance to redescribe patch here for the ones that only started to read from this part of the series, although i don't remember you fully describing her ever in the series, except maybe for the sunset encounter and the every time you described the candy mare, but you didn't took that chnce
Yes I was intentionally keeping it vague, with more than enough hints for long time readers, so that if there were still anyone in the audience who hadn't figured it out it would keep them guessing. I know it seems like this is the moment of the big reveal for long time fans, but the confirmation of that reveal comes later.
Been a fair bit since i got back to reading this. I honestly like that pumpkin became the monster she hates most. That she and Candy have been in essence going thru their own hells.
As if Pumpkin Patch's life and death weren't sad enough...
You, Knackerman, are truly remarkable.
sorry for the break but i spent a night with the first batch, and again sorry but you need a coma after the from, because that break will emphasizes the later part and it makes more sense both grammatically and lyrically
i think "that" needs to drop or you need to write it as that something and ad a coma after it
not asking you to change it since it makes sense but a better alternative is "very instincts" since, in this context, it adds more tension and describes how deary is Patch's situation in reality
sorry but a break is necessary after around so a comma is needed
not sure if that new paragraph was necessary there since the effect is the same with or without that break in the paragraph, both the visual one and the lyrical one
I'm pretty sure Exactly could be between commas those two brakes will help with the pacing of the phrase, but this is just up to you
question mark and capitalized "o" of "on" would have the same effect
same as before, every comma changed with question mark and the normal lettering after them in the first part of this paragraph amd one question mark after the three dots with normal sentence-case afterwards
are you sure this is not one of her thoughts? It'll make more sense
comma after answer other wise the sentence is to long
there's a to missing in here
you are missing a that in here
you had a chance to redescribe patch here for the ones that only started to read from this part of the series, although i don't remember you fully describing her ever in the series, except maybe for the sunset encounter and the every time you described the candy mare, but you didn't took that chnce
her tormentors were playing with her between commas otherwise the pacing is broken
unnecessary paragraph break here, the effect was achieved already if you would've just put Herself in italics after the three dots
10486275
No worries.
Fair enough.
Fiiiine.
Yeah, that makes sense there.
I was iffy on that one, but if you think it works, sure.
Indeed there is.
I don't see where adding a that would help. I could replace 'the' with 'that' if you think that would read better though.
Yes I was intentionally keeping it vague, with more than enough hints for long time readers, so that if there were still anyone in the audience who hadn't figured it out it would keep them guessing. I know it seems like this is the moment of the big reveal for long time fans, but the confirmation of that reveal comes later.
Thanks
damn good chapter, but poor pumpkin
Been a fair bit since i got back to reading this. I honestly like that pumpkin became the monster she hates most. That she and Candy have been in essence going thru their own hells.
Pumpkin...