farm pony had certainly worked up a hearty appetite
missed a "the" there
But where then was her father
then should be between commas
Had he perhaps gone home ahead of her as well
between "he" and "perhaps" either put a coma, or two comas around "perhaps"
through the dry stalks as dusk settled in and the on-rush of night loomed across the eastern sky
I feel that the "on-rush" part is either missing something or you just need to settle on just "rush"
the Earth Pony's bounty
pretty sure you didn't wanted to capitalize those words
As she made her way across the field to the old wooden barn, the last glimmering rays of sunset slipped away like the last grains of sand in an hourglass, and the world entered that soft hour of twilight that you only get just after dusk and just before dawn.
you either have two useless commas in there or you misplaced the last one that should've been before "to the wooden barn" or, even better, add one after "soft hour of twilight"
picked clean already of their dead and dried leaves
even if it works like this fine it's better if already will be between comas because it adds a different lyricism to the sentence
explain the dearth of animal noises
i'm not sure if you wanted to make sound like it's in the context of the story putting dearth in there, but you should change it with death or with deft, because, honestly, it doesn't work
Why then did the little pony suddenly hear something like a girlish giggle clear as crystal, high and sharp, just on the edge of her hearing?
suddenly between commas and a comma after giggle, it works better and it reads and sounds better
Keep calm, and carry on
that coma is useless there, it sounds fine even without it
he farm pony hurried to the front of the barn and decided that instead of taking the short walk home she would instead duck into the wooden shelter for a moment, just to make sure her father wasn't inside and somehow hadn't heard her calling for him.
"instead of taking the short walk home" and the second instead between commas, both because that's how you achieve the wanted effect there
There was nothing but smoke that boiled up all around a suddenly vast, fire-lit horizon
second coma after fire lit
the sea of boiling hot lava that glowed malignantly far below in a caldera upon the edge of which she suddenly found herself precariously perched
comma after "malignantly" and "upon the edge of which" between commas
until at lasther brain spat
you need a space there
The sweet scent of caramel drifted once again to the farm pony's nose and battered through her addled senses until she finally realized that what she was looking at was a sea of molten sugar!
coma after senses
How such a thing had come to replace her warm and familiar fields,
that should be a question mark not a comma and you can keep the not capitalized "she" after it
had she not at that moment looked up into the most terrifying face she had ever seen!
at that moment must be between comas
The needle thin teeth in each of its three maws were arrayed in a predatory grins that displayed a knowing and gleeful cruelty.
comma after grins and it should be either the numeral for 3 or singular for grin there
There was a brief moment as she hung motionless in mid-air, before she rapidly receded away from the repulsive visage, that the faces looked almost familiar.
the bit after the last comma makes it feel like something is missing from there
But there was no time for the filly to truly process what she had seen as her body hit the scalding surface of the lake of caramel with a gloopy splash, and slipped with a noisome plop into the burning slimy depths.
comma after seen
The stench of her own broiling flesh
are you sure you wanted to use broiling and not boiling there?
that horrid, smiling, face, grinning down at her suffering.
the comma between smiling and face is unnecessary but it works for the effect
between "he" and "perhaps" either put a coma, or two comas around "perhaps"
suddenly between commas and a comma after giggle, it works better and it reads and sounds better
I don't want a pause there, even if it is grammatically incorrect.
that coma is useless there, it sounds fine even without it
That comma is there because I do want a pause there. Even if it sounds fine without it.
I feel that the "on-rush" part is either missing something or you just need to settle on just "rush"
Actually just needed to remove the dash. Onrush is a word and it was the word I meant to use.
Definition of onrush
1 : a rushing forward or onward
pretty sure you didn't wanted to capitalize those words
I did, actually, because I'm referring to Earth Ponies as a race in general rather than just to an the earth pony this story is about in particular. The 'bounty' the sentence refers to is the bounty of all Earth Ponies rather than that of this one earth pony specifically.
you either have two useless commas in there or you misplaced the last one that should've been before "to the wooden barn" or, even better, add one after "soft hour of twilight"
Think it reads better just to lose the comma's entirely.
even if it works like this fine it's better if already will be between comas because it adds a different lyricism to the sentence
Gonna have to agree to disagree on this one, I think adding commas would just make the sentence unnecessarily choppy.
i'm not sure if you wanted to make sound like it's in the context of the story putting dearth in there, but you should change it with death or with deft, because, honestly, it doesn't work
I'm not sure what's not working for you. The sentence is saying there is a lack of usual animal noises. Death would make it sound like there had been animal noises and then they died, and deft doesn't make any sense in the context at all. I'm leaving this as is.
"instead of taking the short walk home" and the second instead between commas, both because that's how you achieve the wanted effect there
Think I'm just going to replace the first 'instead' with 'rather'.
comma after grins and it should be either the numeral for 3 or singular for grin there
Why use the numeral? The word three should be fine. Though I think I'll take out that 'a'.
the bit after the last comma makes it feel like something is missing from there
Put the comma in the wrong part of the sentence. Fixed.
are you sure you wanted to use broiling and not boiling there?
Yes. To Broil something is to cook it on direct heat, specifically meat, which usually leads to the meat roasting in its own juices. Boiling would imply that she was being liquefied by the caramel and her flesh was vaporizing instead of getting burnt and slowing off as was stated earlier in the paragraph.
the comma between smiling and face is unnecessary but it works for the effect
the form you want to put there is "day's"
missed a "the" there
then should be between commas
between "he" and "perhaps" either put a coma, or two comas around "perhaps"
I feel that the "on-rush" part is either missing something or you just need to settle on just "rush"
pretty sure you didn't wanted to capitalize those words
you either have two useless commas in there or you misplaced the last one that should've been before "to the wooden barn" or, even better, add one after "soft hour of twilight"
even if it works like this fine it's better if already will be between comas because it adds a different lyricism to the sentence
i'm not sure if you wanted to make sound like it's in the context of the story putting dearth in there, but you should change it with death or with deft, because, honestly, it doesn't work
suddenly between commas and a comma after giggle, it works better and it reads and sounds better
that coma is useless there, it sounds fine even without it
"instead of taking the short walk home" and the second instead between commas, both because that's how you achieve the wanted effect there
second coma after fire lit
comma after "malignantly" and "upon the edge of which" between commas
you need a space there
coma after senses
that should be a question mark not a comma and you can keep the not capitalized "she" after it
at that moment must be between comas
comma after grins and it should be either the numeral for 3 or singular for grin there
the bit after the last comma makes it feel like something is missing from there
comma after seen
are you sure you wanted to use broiling and not boiling there?
the comma between smiling and face is unnecessary but it works for the effect
10484067
Good catches
I don't want a pause there, even if it is grammatically incorrect.
That comma is there because I do want a pause there. Even if it sounds fine without it.
Actually just needed to remove the dash. Onrush is a word and it was the word I meant to use.
Definition of onrush
1
: a rushing forward or onward
I did, actually, because I'm referring to Earth Ponies as a race in general rather than just to an the earth pony this story is about in particular. The 'bounty' the sentence refers to is the bounty of all Earth Ponies rather than that of this one earth pony specifically.
Think it reads better just to lose the comma's entirely.
Gonna have to agree to disagree on this one, I think adding commas would just make the sentence unnecessarily choppy.
I'm not sure what's not working for you. The sentence is saying there is a lack of usual animal noises. Death would make it sound like there had been animal noises and then they died, and deft doesn't make any sense in the context at all. I'm leaving this as is.
Definition of dearth
1
: scarcity that makes dear
2
: an inadequate supply : LACK
Think I'm just going to replace the first 'instead' with 'rather'.
Why use the numeral? The word three should be fine. Though I think I'll take out that 'a'.
Put the comma in the wrong part of the sentence. Fixed.
Yes. To Broil something is to cook it on direct heat, specifically meat, which usually leads to the meat roasting in its own juices. Boiling would imply that she was being liquefied by the caramel and her flesh was vaporizing instead of getting burnt and slowing off as was stated earlier in the paragraph.
I do like dramatic pauses, sometimes.
Thanks
nice chapter!