Have you ever asked yourself, "What would it be like if your life was in some ways like a video game?" I didn't, and it's a lot more complicated than to press a button to win
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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The prologue is quite the experience in the good way. We got a bit of the protagonist as a person and now we move onto the GAME.
Now that a grim-dark future if I've ever seen one
Now that's a cutscene!
Fuck that prologue earnd you a spot on my favorites list and a thumbs up i dont even care what the rest of the story is like.
I usually hate first chapter because they are generic an overall boring, That why this completely surprise me. I have to say this is a unique beginning and I loved it.
Before I start reading, you’ve misspelt prologue. Just saying.
Well dang. Ignoring the spelling mistakes which are few and far between, this prologue is actually quite good! It certainly echoes the intro of Solo Levelling (which, might I add, I read because of this story)
While an interesting story, and I do plan on continuing, it needs an editor bad. Walls of text, misused words, and hard to understand wording make it very hard to read at times.
Poor girl now she really is alone. And she just watched her brother die.
And that was the moment when Amber realized she dun fuqed up..
en masse
Literally
affected
never before heard of
were
closer to
You’re missing a period here.
You're using the wrong tense here. hadn’t
to
Standing, and music
Remove the “too”
huddled
Had and shopped for
were
think
past
means
prize
Refining and which
Insurance
This just needs rewritten to “you had better pay for the insurance.”
stop
the
I might be ignorant, but I have no idea what a “daily income crash” is.
Replace the comma with an I
whose
I’m going to assume you meant bin, but what bin?
Remove the second “sound”.
stairs
This sentence is very confusing. The way it’s phrased makes it sound like his breath is his friend.
to
with
This needs to be moved back to before the first comma in this sentence.
where
stairs
staircase
instead
dig
consciousness
sparing
was the last thing I heard
You've got an interesting concept here, but the awkward sentence structure and litany of grammar and spelling errors severely detract from the content of the chapter.
11246669
I've gone through your suggestions and implemented the majority of them, though also made a few other changes here and there. To go back to the question you asked about "Daily income crashed." It's a term I picked up while learning about economics regarding the daily flow of money in a business, the daily income crash refers to a sudden spike downwards in money generated, those usually come in two versions: Routine and special case. Routine is, for example, not a lot of people shopping at certain hours, the shops do not generate much money there unlike in the morning where people might quickly grab a coffee or in the afternoon quickly grabbing something on the way home. The special scenario is for example that a fire alarm is triggered and thus earnings sink to zero due to no one currently working.
It was to refer that companies preferred a stable and constant flow of money, thus investing in company housing, instead of risking a daily income crash. While they could quickly gather replacement employees, it'd still take some time and that is not favorable.
Yeah, the first few chapters are rough around the edges, an experimental phase where I tried to try something new to me.
You've gained my attention, mate. Just what I need - no bs, no "I will protect ponies", no sickly good main character. Just John and his life.
it's been like a year and a half since the last time i read this story, i'm excited to read through this again as there's a LOT more chapters than when i left off back then.
11446840
Yeah, a lot less procrastination in the past year, although time most certainly has become less and responsibilities doubled. But enough of that, let's see how many of my early hints in the story actually manifest in the coming chapter, shall we?
Bueno, hace mucho que no lo leo, vamos a darle una repasada
I'm gonna re-read everything, have the feeling I forgot a bunch of things.
11779693
A lot of the things mentioned in the first chapter in particular, this one, have still to become relevant in the story. There are in fact several tibits hidden in here that have shaped the MCs character and he has yet to openly mention.
Also for the part below, while talking with my editor, I've come to realize that my way of writing has made me feel a bit sheepish.
I have a very subtle way of writing big, story defining nuggets of information without shoving them down one's throat, the problem is that my aversion to making things direct has caused a lot of things to go unnoticed, where even my editor gets surprised some times.
So the things I've hinted up will be mentioned a bit more bluntly when the time comes, not their first mention as I love hinting at things, but when they have a direct story impact. But here is a fun little thing. See how many things are mentioned subtly or in passing, and the become important some 50k words later. I'm sure you'll be surprised.