Have you ever asked yourself, "What would it be like if your life was in some ways like a video game?" I didn't, and it's a lot more complicated than to press a button to win
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Oh shit this is getting really interesting. Love the story I can’t wait to see what’s next
???
I'm confused.
Where did dark energy come from?
What mirror whatever did appeared?
And whatever whatever is just happened?
Wow that certainly hits hard
Tch, one way to ruined somepony date huh.. celestia...
I was wondering when this unbalanced situation would come to blows. Vocal blows mind you, but the intensity of them was not lacking. Very good.
Loved the chapter, especially Sunset. With that said, I am hoping Star and Sunset reconcile with Celestia sometime soon. I'd hate to have her turn into the villain after so long. Part of what I love about her is her flaws in this story, and as earnest and well-meaning as she is, she can't take her eyes off the big picture to see how her actions are affecting the ones she cares about.
Aside from that, as far as constructive criticism goes....I've noticed a growing trend over the course of the past couple of chapters. Your writing has become increasingly flowery and...edgy in certain parts, unnecessarily so. It complicates the sentences and makes things sound awkward.
Here's a random example:
You have so much figurative and overly expressive language in this piece, for instance, that it distracts from the purpose of the paragraph. Aside from that, certain parts of Stars speech and inner dialogue feel too....formal, like he's trying to be a poet. Things like:
It might sound more natural if it was written like this:
Naturally, this is all just my opinion, but hopefully, it helps you. Can't wait for the next chapter!
I'm assuming he's going to join Sunset or go to the mirror relm?
I'm shipping John/Sunset!
When you want too much control of a situation or a life, the backfire is too great....
Great work Celestia
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I actually liked that aspect, because it shows the degradation of the entire situation. It shows the building pressure in our little Gamer, and how his breaking point is fast approaching. We get to see how cluttered his thoughts are, and how he seems to be hyper-focusing on things as a way of keeping his mind off of certain emotions and thoughts. Best part is it appears subconscious, as it should. He's not intentionally forcing these thoughts.
I loved this.
While the characterization itself is not unique, the situation and pure quality of writing really put most everything else i have seen to shame, all the moving parts but they still run like butter, its quite a thing to behold.
Personally love the Celestia we get, buut i must admit i'm missing the Game being active and the constant aim of trying to get really, really op as fast as possible being omnipresent, it seems like an afterthought as of recent though i'm sure it'll be relevant again out of requirement as the next dungeon creeps up.
10766665
While I do like the idea of them making up to Celestia or vice versa, I would personally like to see Celestia suffer the effects of her actions. She didn't learn with Luna so we need something that will stick with her permanently and emotionally for the rest of her immortal life.
Ohh DAMN!
With one subtle, trivial, and insignificant change, Star has rejected Celestia as 'Mommy'.
Reminds me of a certain somepony...
10784956
Agreed. One possible thing to do would be having Star escape/leave because of how strict and controlling she is being before she meets Twilight and have them(Star and Twilight) just miss meeting each other having him only meet them years later in Ponyville. He would probably be living under a disguise while there.
This was an excellent chapter, very well written
No doubt Star hit a nerve there since Luna technically hasn't returned yet and used the word family.
I haven't read the last four chapters yet, but I realize how much I miss Sunset...
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