Have you ever asked yourself, "What would it be like if your life was in some ways like a video game?" I didn't, and it's a lot more complicated than to press a button to win
Page generated in 0.037 seconds
Total duration
997 users online
1,562,322 hits today, 2,237,019 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Ooh, these last fewnl chapters have been great, and things are starting to get exciting. I loved the bit with Discord, and of those last few lines in the chapter are anything to go by, Star is likely to make up with Celesria next chapter, at least in some capacity.
I also really enjoyed the inclusion of the chaos elemental, and I'm looking forward to seeing how that influences Star's relationship with Discord.
Eeesh, those corruption stacks are starting to become worrisome. I hope G.A.M.E. is alright.
Things are starting to move strangely. For some reason it has been getting harder for me to follow along, almost like some parts are just slipping though the gaps of my hands as I try to grasp at them.
10968429
My bad, it's easy for the writer. I understand the concepts of the story, but incorporating them into a text that's understandable, while also not abandoning the core message is hard because I cannot guess how the reader may pick it up/how well the text translates the message.
Do you have an exact theme that is not understandable enough, or a certain locations, so that I could adjust ist accordingly? All help is appreciated.
Edit: Sorry, it's late and I didn't pick up on the world play. Still, it was quiet subtle and it did catch me off guard. Have a good night/day.
chapter ends
Author you are really good at blue balling me I hope you know that
10968615
*Insert evil chuckling*
I usually try not to rely on those dirty tricks, but the last part of this arc was deserving of its own chapter, so the story forced my hand. Besides, it's only three days, instead of the usual months.
'till then.
Every time this story updates I get extremely exited because its so damn good thank you author for this story I never knew I needed.
expendable
You evil,
EVIL
person. How could you leave us hanging?
welp.
found Siegfried.
When was discord introduced? I don't remember him in this fic ever before.
Neither can I understand what the hell is he trying to say.
Why is it suddenly became a diary? Why would it? And then silently went back to normal?
What the hell is shade and where did that came from?
This chapter is complete mess. It's like nothing is connected, words appear out of nowhere, characters talk of unrelated to situation things, sentences refer to things that were not mentioned before and nothing makes much sense and other weird stuff. Sometimes characters just say nonsense.
The entire "game invasion by something" thing is extremely sudden and, maybe even desperate. It has no reason to it, nor does it makes any sense.
Mc is trying to hide from flying monsters on the roof. Yeah.
Suddenly, game gives him notification, instead of saying whatever straight away like any other time before. For no reason.
I still have no idea when mc can just leave mirror realm and when not. It didn't seem to have any reason behind why he can't just leave any moment. He left in same place before.
Where did chaos elemental came from? Didn't he need a ritual and altar to summon one, and not specific one either?
Why can immaterial entity inject chemicals? That makes no sense.
Okay, so, entire chapter is really a mess, even just by comparing to previous one. It seems to have something missing in the beginning in the gap between chapters. It very chaotic, has weird things happen and said and is generally feels like was written by person who didn't sleep for two days.
Are you ok, man?
10974350
Discord was introduced in "Chapter two: New Friends and Plans" and last seen in the following chapter, so yes, it has been quite a while, but if I remember correctly, his presence has been hinted more than once since then. What he has been trying to say was: "Star, you are rapidly changing, whatever it's causing, be sure you don't drift away from what you actually are." He isn't two days old and can judge ponies pretty well, given he spent 1000 years doing nothing but watching them. He doesn't know what is happening, or who's responsible, but doesn't like the idea of someone joining the games he's playing/Celestia or anyone else posting a threat to his plans. Lastly, the reason why Discord tells Star that he's younger is to not appear like "just another adult" telling him how to live his life, like most adults who are connected to Celestia are prone to. He also tells Star of the power he posses, to make him feel more powerful, less reliant on ponies, and flattered by Discord.
It didn't become a diary, more so a summary of Star's findings, instead of just a list explaining that "he went there, and did this, then that and..." so I tried to make it a bit more interesting. It would be rather boring to write this in the present form, and some variation surely doesn't hurt.
I used the word "Shade" three times.
1. it's used to describe that the monsters could follow Star as if they were chasing his shadow, an changed and translated version of "Jemanden folgen wie ein Schatten" in which a third person is added to the chain: Main person, shadow, nightmare.
2. It's used to describe how the flames, which previously, before Star fell asleep, were huge and intimidating, but now were very small. The saying: "A shadow of one's former self" was used here.
3. Shades is used as a synonym for "hue" or "color".
Invasion? This is the program that ensures that the Game, and thus the host doesn't deviate from the main purpose, and was mentioned like 3-4 times before, just not this intensely. Although the threat of immediate extermination during the first dungeon, because John outright refused to kill a nightmare, surely was not a light interaction.
He didn't know that his opponent had wings, he just knew that it was hiding well. That's why he went to a place where nothing could hide, like a roof. So that he could actually engage his follower and not get ambushed.
The transfer is not instantaneous and ever was. Although entering appears quick for Star, leaving isn't. Especially because this wasn't a dungeon. Just because I don't write "And then he hummed with dity tune and smile across his face, as the blood that reeked slowly dripped down his armor, for five minutes, until finally he found himself back in his room" doesn't mean things happen just like that.
The Game interacts with John with "pop ups" when it's strictly related to his mission, or there is a change in his powers. But sticks to normal conversations, unless it's urgent.
The Element system wasn't directly explained, so I give you that one, but it didn't happen without any explanation. After making contact with Discord, John gained the chaos element. Later when Star fought the Spider monster, he used the chaos element to infuse his weapon. Summoning a spirit allows a user to gain power over an element, or getting in contact with a powerful spirit has the same effect. An elemental is not permanent, they are mercenaries, and can be called upon if you have both resources and a connection to their element.
Inmaterial entity??? Star and the Game, and all of its parts, are controlling one and the same body. The Game has been shown to constantly enhance John's body, even regenerate otherwise fatal wounds, so why would injecting chemicals, something the average brain does all the time, be out of the question?
Yes, what happened was that Star went to the mirror realm at the end of the previous chapter, then met discord before going on a walk, which is mentioned in the "diary."
Yeah the dialogue was a bit weird, but the chapter was already getting a tad bit long for my taste, so yes, you could call me lazy if you would.
My writing is heavily influenced by old german literature from authors like Goethe or ETA. Both possess a very indirect style of storytelling, with Hoffmann writing things like "Der Goldne Topf" in which reality and dream almost melt into one, something where distinguishing which world the character is right now can be hard.
Didn't note anything here from a format/spelling perspective for this chapter, so good work there.
i feel like a bit more sense of space needs to be established here, it seems to be a common complaint and makes following the story a bit taxing, but otherwise, what's here is good, and there's enough substance to keep the pace. Overall nice chapter.
This does beg the question why doesn’t he just put the goblin blood inside of a breakable container like a Molotov the corpses aren’t that useful it’s just a blood that’s useful so putting in a glass bottle or clay pot Will allow better usage
11327179
Oh, he does, but it was mentioned pretty shortly without much emphasis. He said that he created the blood molotovs when he revealed the gobo bomb inside his tinkering cave in the gamer's dream, I don't know the exact chapter anymore though. But yes, if he did hurl them around so much without any care he wouldn't have any left.