Have you ever asked yourself, "What would it be like if your life was in some ways like a video game?" I didn't, and it's a lot more complicated than to press a button to win
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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It's good to see this updated, and with a large chapter too. I look forward to his interactions with Sunset and the other children. Hopefully his gilded cage will be loosened a little.
Good job.
Holy shit, BIG chapter time boys and girls!
Glad to see you doin good my man. :)
10701563
Agree .
And few more chapter for timeskip..
It's sad to see Cadance with Stockholm syndrome like effects. I wonder what was done to pull that off.
On the other side of that coin, it was good to see Star get to act his body's age and spend time having fun with others in his age bracket. I was starting to feel frustrated for him about that schedule.
That's all I have for you this time. Thanks for the wonderful chapter. I'm eagerly waiting for the next already!
10702943
Yeah, I can agree with that, the gilded cage was also starting to wear me down, but that will change in the following chapters. I think chapter 3 could possibly be shorter, with about 3-5 parts. Anyway, I hope the chapter was worth the wait.
Oh jeez, split this into several chapters, there is no connection been some of those things at all, and it's just too long.
Also, I struggle to comprehend what are your saying sometimes.
is the dream catcher thing on his flank his cutie mark?
10704640
Yup, every title he equips is displayed as a cutie mark, however now that it was seen, he is stuck with it while in public.
10703067
Now, while this chapter could be split up, personally, I don't care. Only means that if I ever need to go back to reread a specific part, I won't have to go chapter to chapter.
Maybe there might be no connection with some events, but this chapter does do something else that's valuable. It develops the story, characters, and moves it forward.
A lot of the time when I'm writing my own fic, I need to write out a scene but I don't actually have anything of value to make it about. So, what I do is make a place holder, a filler, to move the story past the scene, and to develop characters. How would they react or what would they do and why etc.
These scenes I make are often just to develop the story, give snips of information that will be useless at the time, but valuable in the future. They also open new ways in the future to how I want the story to progress. I could easily call back on previous information, instead of bringing it up in the same chapter.
As for struggling to comprehend the text sometimes, well I can a that it can definitely be hard sometimes, which is what drove me away from the earlier chapters before sheer boredom drove me back.
Anyways, the text is... I'd say almost poetic in a way. It focuses a lot on smaller details than the full image, and I sometimes find myself at a loss of where the character even is. Lots of similes, comparisons, metaphors, and almost like it's meant to be hammered into your head, emotions are driven into the text.
While the overall details are a bit lacking, it's still well done.
As this chapter doesn't advance the plot too much, I'd say it's a bit like a self-contained subplot, focused on Star and what his life is like. I could be wrong, as there are tons of ways to interpret words and this is just the way I do, so don't expect me to be 100% right. Though, I am happy for a little debate if you catch something.
10705061
This chapter was made as a base for the following chapter(s), and to display the various views around the situation, change of thoughts and opinions which will be important for this stage of the story, with some filler added. As for the peotic part, guilty as charged. I have been intensively readings the books from author like goethe, and dabbled a bit into Frankenstein lately, so it did influence my writing a bit.
My goal for writing is to make people feel one or several emotions while reading, make people think or make characters seem like they were alive for just a second. I know that the story some times suffers because of this, and I'll try to make the area description better in the futures, something that is definitely my weakest point, next to dialogues, but I am willing to take constructive criticism to heart and am always grateful for it. So, thanks :)
While i was a bit lost at first, given how long its been. my only issue is the seeming random massive pauses which make some sections a slog or mess up the pacing. But otherwise, as an obvious setup chapter it does well, several great hooks, and i personally enjoy the jabs at cadence even if she's done really well here. I didnt notice a single mistake either, so im assuming you got an editor for this one.
Honestly this made me think “sounds like a Noble Phantasm” from the Fate series
10964008
He will be mentioned pretty soon again, don't worry.
Forced casual smile?
11247104
It meant that he had to physically force himself to portray a casual smile, though reading over it again, the sentence does seem in need of a little adjusting.
Oh well, 'anom' then.
If it’s a violin then you have to play this.
11833928
Seeing the old couple embrace each other. Well excepting they're gonna die, gets me to tear up all the time😭😭. The titanic is just a great movie, it's one of my favorites.