Does Twilights ultimate defeat at the hooves of Nightmare Moon mean the end of daytime in equestria?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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By all that is Holy I LIKE this Twilight!![:twilightsmile:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png)
She is calm, understanding and self assured. Zecora was a much better teacher than Celestia. (i will admit that Zecora did not have to spit her time the way Celestia had to do with Twilight and royal duties)
Twilight with unicorn magic was awesome. Twilight with magic from many different races? Amazing!
2058606
I can't really disagree with that in any way, however, I would have loved to see another little hint at whatever Celestia is planning in regards to the 'mysterious explosion in the residential district'
From the looks of the last chapter's little hint, it's going to be quite the twist! I wish I could read more quickly sometimes![:twilightsheepish:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsheepish.png)
Luna´s reference? we´ll see
You know what I really look forward to now? Finding out how Twi turns to NMM's side. It could be that she realizes Celestia would never let her go free.(Although how they would have figured out it was Twilight that caused the explosion would be something I'd like to know if this turns out to be the case)
Or NMM somehow convinces her that she's good.
Because right now we have "I want to go out and help ponies in need" apparently change to "We conquer Canterlot and help bring about eternal night"
3041034
Could be that she returns to Canterlot and gets discovered, probably by her brother, and being the only survivor of a massive arcane explosion that vaporized a portion of the city, will pretty much make her the prime suspect.
Why do you keep putting ''s around Twilight's staff?
So far the story was good, or I forgot.
But this chapter was a pain to read, it took me more than a week, I had to take a pause after each paragraph. Paragraph I had to read multiple times to try and understand.
Most of them didn't make any sense to me.
The potion, first I thought she was making tea, then she is playing with element, then lighting candles, then playing with three elemental orbs, then two, then three, then she light the candles but the only purpose to the spheres are to create the staff.
What ?! I didn't understand any of this part of the chapter, and I tried, I just figured out that she made a 'staff' trying to make tea while lighting candles for her final potion making test. (I'm pretty sure that's not the idea you had when you wrote this.)
Then, the potion. I only understood it was a foreseeing potion at the very end. But why Twilight doesn't drink it, isn't she the one being tested ? And seriously, Zecora can't make the big revelation because she is knocked out by a pot that randomly happen to fall ?!
Now, the forest. She comes back from a trip where she had to find rare ingredients. That took her months, but the test is just finished, she departs for a far away village, alone in the night ? The village is supposed to be two days away, but only some words later she thinks it will take her between three days or a week to travel. Hasn't she been there before ? Why between three or seven days, that's four days difference, the double than the estimated time, that doesn't make any sense.
You keep referring to 'the creatures', very often, too much often. But I couldn't stop asking myself, "Which creatures? Did I skip something ?"
She eats a lot of lichen berries, I'm pretty sure lichen doesn't make berries (Here I can be wrong, but I didn't find any evidence of it, the lichen is a symbiosis between a fungus and an algae, neither of them produce berry)
The ruin. She finds that it is safe, but as soon the door is passed, she found a lot of corpses, yes, indeed, very safe. Ah! but deceased are not dangerous as long you don't trouble their peace. So stealing their horns and profane their tomb is a good sign of respect I suppose ?
And how come the feathers have been roting with the swamp's humidity but the skeletons are perfectly fine ? The should be decayed, covered with moss, and well, lichen.
I'll be frank, I didn't even bothered to read the end, I saw something with three o'clock a direction and not time, I didn't understand where that came from so I stopped reading, I'll go directly to the following chapter.
Next is grammar and punctuation. I won't comment grammar as a whole, because I'm pretty bad at it myself in English (I suppose it is visible in this comment) But I don't know why, sometime you use the present tense, although all your story is in past tense. I see that when you do that it is only for a paragraph, it's like you stopped writing and came back with another tense.
And now, punctuation. You do sentence three, even five lines long without any punctuation, not even a coma. In general, a sentence shouldn't be more than two lines long (with some exceptions) But you have to put coma to separate the principal and the coordinate (maybe those are the wrong term in English, sorry for that).
That was the worst, and the main cause of my confusion, even if after figuring out what you wrote or tried to say it made even less sense.
I may be a little crude, but seriously, it's the first time in my life I put so much time to read such a short chapter and raging after each sentence. And obviously, you didn't read yourself even once. There is a paragraph where you said exactly the same thing twice. With one of your description, you kept 'rouge'. I'm pretty sure you were referring to the color, it should have been 'red'.
4345063 I have to agree in almost every aspect you've outlined here. I'm an editor, and I've gone through some pretty poorly written stories to make them readable and hell, even enjoyable. While I was reading the first chapter of this fic, I thought about offering my services. Then I read more, and realized what a monumental task that would be and how much time it would take that I don't have. Entire paragraphs that are one sentence, terrible grammar and spelling, and too many "WAT" moments.
I really hate to be saying all of this. Don't get me wrong, as it is a story with promise... If only people would actually be able to understand what the hell is going on. I'm really only getting the gist of it and it makes me feel like I'm reading Shakespeare for an English assignment again.
One thing to the guy I'm replying to: do you really want comas in the story? I think that commas are much more needed.
Have a metal!
3041034 i see how you completely overlook the possibility that NMM overpower twilight and is mind controling her nope lets jump to twilight is just the pony version of luke skywalker