Does Twilights ultimate defeat at the hooves of Nightmare Moon mean the end of daytime in equestria?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Sorry if this isn't as many updates as you guy's expected however i had to completely reorder my story and i plan on breaking up a few chapters into parts in the future to make them easier to both read and digest and also to improve upon them so their not as broken as they are now anyway I hope you guy's enjoy the new prologue and the month awaited chapter five. Hopefully chapter six wont be as long a wait.
cheers
Its starts off confusing but definitely sets this story up. Looking forward to seeing how all this came to be.
Punctuation. Punctuation punctuation PUNCTUATION DEAR GOD PLEASE. This story has so much potential. Try not to write it like you're in the first grade.
the fuck im so confused mainly because im trying to figure out whos on whos side i dont trust pinky
I'd prefer if the story was more canon, I can't even tell who is who in this story
There is such thing as Capitalization, you know! See? These are capital letters: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. You use capitals at the beginning of a word, after a puntuation mark, you know: ., ?, and !. USE THESE!
ALSO, WHAT THE HELL YOU DO TO CHARACTERS? THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE THE SAME NAMES ANYMORE?!? DID THEIR NAMES AUTOMATICALLY CHANGE WHEN THEY GOT THEIR CUTIE MARKS?!?
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Me: Ugh... My brain hurts.
Vinyl: I dunno, that seems like top-notch writing right there, man!
Octavia: That's because you have the writing habits of a five year old, Vinyl.
Ditzy: I can't read this! We need audiobooks!
Doctor: Uh, Ditzy... Nevermind.
Lyra: Nice one, dipshit!
Bon Bon: Lyra be nice! This story..... Has pontential?
Me: Bon Bon, we're sulking.
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I couldn't finish this chapter. I'm sorry, but your grammar is ATROCIOUS. Capitalization where there shouldn't be, no capitalization where there SHOULD be, a distinct lack of commas, the usual suspects. I will say that a dash where there should be a space is a new one on me. Simply put, this needs a proofreader.
And so, after getting a decent bit of my backlog outta the way I can FINALLY start on your stories.
Let's begin with this one!
Alright, first off, I like it so far BUT. The name changes with a few of them seem... Odd. Mainly Trixie's last name. I know this is an AU, but...
Next, something is off about the whole thing. I can't quite place it, but its off somehow. It's not grammar or formatting issue, but a story one. If I can figure it out, I'll tell ya.
Other than that, a solid start to what seems to be an otherwise excellent fic.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Er, what?
She thinks she know how what?
Okay, I get the freshlings, and even the council I can understand, but seriously? Ninety percent of the main guard? Ninety?
It might be that I don't have the full picture yet, but can your country be at war with a siingle person? Also, I assume that NMM showed up in Canterlot, because otherwise I have no idea how they already know what happened.(Okay, the guards from Ponyville could have returned, but with the high percentage of deserters that seems unlikely)
It's obvious who this is, but still, monochromatic? What color is it? A greyed out rainbow, or a solid color?
Crimson does not need to be capitalized.
I think the black is redundant if you already said her coat has the color of obsidian, but that's more along the lines of personal preference.
Yeah, did you notice that this monster is one single sentence? Reading a run-on sentence like this is tedious, so I'd recommend breaking it up several times.
It's "aerial".
I think you meant to place a period between the marked "side all".
Also, you forgot the "were" in "all five combatans were outnumbered eight to one,(<-comma goes here) yet it was not them(them instead of they) that cowered in fear,(<-comma) but the guard_(I marked this space because you had a double space in your text)that suffered from the terrifying effects(what terrifying effects?)(This would have been another good place for a period) though the ..."
Yeah, I've got nothing, except that this looks weird. Seems more like this line belongs in a comic where the *crack* is written all over the panel. It just doesn't create the same effect in a normal text.
Past-tense of "to shine" is "shone".
So, about the story. So far it seems good, mainly because I love badass evil Twi.
I have to agree with Skeeter that the namechanges seem weird. Since I only read the first chapter so far(don't worry, the rest will follow), I don't know why Twi was in Ponyville, but if I had to guess, then it looks like she didn't make it into the academy without that rainboom, so she:
a) Continued to study, stumbled upon Nightmare Moon's story, somehow established contact or managed to somehow make up a plan to join NMM when she returned and she went to Ponyville to greet her and she took up a different name so that noone in Canterlot would notice? I don't know.
b) The shame of not getting in drove her away from Canterlot and she travelled to Ponyville(either directly after the test or years later due to building frustration), changed her name and lived there since. Cue the rest from above as to how NMM got her on her side.
So I can kinda understand Twi's name change.
I assume that AJ basically migrated over into the Orange family and changed her name to match them.
However, I am about 95% sure that Sunny is Rarity and if she is, then I think that's dumb(unless you can give a really good reason for this giant change in personality). Also, if she is Rares, why the name change? I don't think she'd have any reason to do that unlike your version of AJ and Twi or the show's Pinkie. So I really hope that it's not Rarity, but yeah, pretty obvious that it's her.
And that brings me to the "new" ponies.
I do count Rarity to these, mainly because this as of yet unlogical change in personality is way too much for me(I know it's only the first chapter, but still).
So we have three new ones, "Sunny", Raindrops and Lyra.
Out of these three, the only one I really like is Lyra, because she is the only one of the new ponies that breaks away from the pilot. Sunny appears to simply be Pinkie with a little bit more refinement in her speech.(You even gave her the same lines[This is the thing that irks me the most about her) And Raindrops is a RD that apparently hits on everyone and makes lewd jokes, otherwise she seems to be the same as the show's RD(Again, same lines, 10 seconds, not flat, but solid). I have little doubt that I'll get over my dislike for the two if we get more backstory for Sunny and Drops gets more personality that isn't RD.
Lyra is my favorite out of these because of that. She doesn't seem to be like Fluttershy in a Lyra suit(remember Pinkie in the Crystal Empire?), instead she is her own character and she even managed to break Trixie out of being Twilight.(No, I don't want to make friends, blah, blah,blah).
The reason why I only complain about Rare's change in personality is because both AJ and Pink have a very good reason to be the way they are now, based on what we know from the show.
In conclusion, the first chapter is a good start, with two ponies that need their own personality and it raises many questions that hope will be answered.
3039997 chapter one edited
3039997
It's possible that Rarity's personality slowly changed over time with each party that she threw. As for her name, knowing Rarity as well all do, would you honestly put it past her to change her name to better match her special talent/cutie mark?
Alright! A fic where TRIXIE is BADASS! (Or, at least, that's the feeling that I'm getting from the prologue) You can never have too much BADASS TRIXIE!
5850356 ha nope
Was Lyra humming the troll song?