Does Twilights ultimate defeat at the hooves of Nightmare Moon mean the end of daytime in equestria?
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Whoa, didn't see that one coming.
I had only planned on reading one chapter and then getting to bed, but now... Buck.
Soooo..... Rainbow, by all looks, done did a pony in. WOW.
Explains the no Rainboom bit.
Something still feels off, but doesn't take from the fun of it all.
ON TO THE NEXT!
~Skeeter The Lurker
This would work better with a period.
I don't think this has to be capitalized.
I think you have too many spaces there.
"Come on, BBBFF!(Or a period if you prefer, it would make the sentence flow much better) You never know what they could ask, so I have to be prepared."
Shortly after this she returns to finishing her book, so I guess you meant that she finished talking, but if you look at how little she said, then it seems weird. I mean, you'd expect it when she finishes a lecture or something along that length, but a single sentence?.(I think it's still correct, mind you. It's just that it seems weird to me.)
Either "Which is exactly why you should..." or "Exactly. Which is why you should..."
Also, you forgot to include Shining in that sentence. Something along the lines of "Shining said, giving Twilight..."
"twice over. I even..." Or you could connect the sentences with a fitting conjunction.
"she then took..."
That comma doesn't really belong there. Also, the just should be capitalized.
Thank you BBBFF.(Or a comma, I'm not that sure on this one)
Actually, it didn’t cost me much. just a few extra days of polishing equipment and what not. However, knowing you, I think the effort was well worth it.(This is what I think might be right, but I suggest you take this with a few grains of salt. Commas aren't my strong point.)
Wait, you have to leave already?
Yes. Wouldn't want... post now, would I?
As far as I can see, this is just a bit of pouting. A tantrum would be much worse.
Another sentence that is way longer than it needs to be. Also, you used "and" thrice in a row. I suggest breaking this sentence up into several smaller parts.
you have. If you you fail the magic exam, then... academy. However, if you pass both, then...
Well, that exam went well... What I dislike about this is that there would be a very high number of dragons if you really have to hatch it in order to pass the test. Also, where would they get the amount of eggs that they need for this? A treaty with the dragons?
Her parents seem kinda cruel. She just failed the test to get into the school she wanted and they tell her to move on? I'd expect more comforting things.
Also, you should put a period behind "learning" and reconstructure the sentence a little.
Aaand now that I read a few paragraphs further, I think his father is an asshole. That's all that needs to be said on that matter.
Then she headed over to...
had built up... daily sparring...
She'd also developed...
most ponies
fled
Also, RD is crazy strong. And pegasus bullies are apparently very violent.
...comfort, safety...
This is a bit confusing, because with the house being made of clouds and RD's apparent haste, it seems like she basically obliterated her front door by flying through it, yet she could still close it. This means that the door was open while she wasn't home. Which seems weird as well.
Also, in the two paragraphs it took for RD to head home and to crash on the couch with Gilda, you used immediately five times.
whoa there, hold up...
Well, if you want to escape the heat, then pack your things. We're leaving for Griffica in two hours since we'll want to make it by sundown.(Also, there could be a comma before that since, but I'm unsure about that.)
So, backstory for Twi, Fluts and RD. That's good. I expect you to show us how Fluttershy survived falling off the cloud this time. Butterflies again? Or something else?
I also stand by my earlier points that Twi's father is an asshole and that it seems really weird that they really need to hatch a dragon(which, by the way, is a completely stupid way to test if a pony is "gifted". After all, if somepony doesn't have an idea on how to hatch a dragon, that doesn't mean that they are not magically gifted. Just that they don't know how to hatch a dragon).
Also, it appears that gryphons are a good deal tougher than ponies, which is actually a good idea, as it would explain why Rainbow had no idea that her kick would cripple a normal pony her age.
So. in short. none of the ponies ever really meet? Thats actually a really cool idea.
Wow, you really need to work on this. I got as far as Twilight being banned from the school (which is extremely unrealistic) and had to stop. Commas are your friend, dude.
Be careful of your verb tenses. You often shift between present and past in the same scene. Both work, to produce different effects, but it is very jarring when you do that sort of a shift if it is not meant to be a flashback or flashfoward.
I feel like this has been beaten to death already, but I have to say it anyway. If there are other people like me out there, you are losing readers just because of your punctuation and capitalization problems. I fought through the first two chapters, but decided that it wasn't worth the effort to go any farther. This is extremely disappointing because the story itself seems very promising, and for a story only to be bad because of the grammar is a shame. You have something good here, don't spoil it. If you were to go back through this yourself and fix all the issues, the rating on this story would most likely change (drastically, and for the better). I hope you do make the effort, I would very much like to read this.
Come on, man, I didn't expect you to be so Common. GRAMMAR AND SPELLING. DO YOU KNOW IT?