- Member Since 10th Oct, 2011
- offline last seen Apr 3rd, 2020
Davesknd
I am a humorist. I write funny stuff... I hope. Since my pony-name appears to be Dusk Dash (there is a chart), I have decided to dedicate my life to quick and evil science!
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How the hell is anything with BDSM in rated E?
Interesting Sparity story!
But it shouldn't be rated E.
7246646
7246771 It's rated E because I am a complete idiot and didn't double check the... No, gonna play it cool! In Europe, this is an E! We do that all the time in the open! YES!
7246776 Lol it's cool!
Take me.
7246776 Lol
Wow! I had similar idea to this a while back, maybe not exactly and with different characters but it's defiantly along the same lines. I really like this...Really love the concept and i hope you go full forwards with this, see how far Rarities Darkest Desires are.
For example i feel you could do something akin to Snow White and the Seven Dwarves or something with the Queen motif. Spike is the magic Mirror and Rarity the Evil Queen. (Maybe even wearing a similar costume or just the same costume) IDK i am just curious to see how some of these dark desire from a outside prospective look well evil.
But yeah, really good...But i would highly recommend finding a editor for this, your prose are good but they could use some modification, some of the sentences don't completely flow properly and there are some choppy areas, for example i felt the description of Rarity Queen attire (While cool, especially with the cape and crown) could have been smoothed over a bit better ,not a deal breaker but it can be a bit noticeable .
A more direct example would be this paragraph
it feels a bit winded and doesn't flow properly the sentences tend to repeat themselves
Also the next sentence isn't properly spaced and that seems to be the case with quiet a few sentences
But again really good in terms of concept and direction . But it seriously needs editor and some of the sentences and description could flow a little better but overall love the concept and the direction you are going with this .And if you require assistance or aid i will be happy to lend a hand in terms of ideas if you want someone to talk to, not editing though i suck at that as well..
Apologies for the long comment but I really like this story and concept and hope it can be the best it can be
Nice, very nice. For a bit there I thought it was a shame that Spike couldn't discover his sexuality in a 'standard' way but hey, they're happy so yay for him.
7246967 Fine. Tink, give him some dust and then think happy thoughts. Neverland is that way...
7247567 I agree with a lot of your claims. I honestly am not good with descriptions. MY forte is dialogue, plot and characters. Whenever I have to describe objects, I forget to stop sentences and things get weird. I do have a proofreader, but mostly for spelling and grammar. But I will come back to your suggestion in the future.
7248415 I actually had a long discussion with myself if Rarity would go on a date or even be intimate with Spike in a Vanilla fashion. But if he were not into all of her kinks, she would have to dump him and literally break his heart after giving him a chance. And while Rarity is a sadist, she is not that kind of cruel.
7249274 Oh trust me my friend description myself is my achelliez heal and you are among friends. I am glad you have a proof reader but i still would advise a editor who would make the executive decisions to cut and re-arrange. If you have google docs that would be a good way to do it. But of course this is your tale so feel free to do as you wish. My only advice to you when doing description is just re-read those sections a few times out loud and try not to get overzealous with spicing up words unless they add something to it, basically think what is and what isn't important.
Either way good luck! Can't wait to see where this leads and hope to see updates soon, and expect many more comments with both praise and helpful criticism.
7249274 Okay, those are valid points of course, but what bugged me was that he was a virgin thrust into this BDSM world with no chance of experiencing regular sex first (once or twice, tops, just flings) which would have made his new-found love for BDSM all the better. But hey you're the boss of your story, I know that you can't always start with the basics, and it's a very good start so :D
Gotta say, im not really into BDSM, triggers parts of my brain that make me both unconfortable and enraged at the same time, but this was good, looking for to the next chapter.
7251041 Wow... it actually means a lot to me that I made a subject like this a bit more... palatable to you. Thank you, that comment really built me up.
Wow..... I am really liking this story. I love romance dominance stories and yandere stories and this fits to my liking. I can't wait for chapter 2.
One thing I always wondered. Why do fans turn Rarity into mistresses and Luna into a gamer? It is strange, but I like it.
7253211 From my point of view it comes down to what we see of the two in the show. Rarity dreams of being a princess, being treated like a goddess and worshiped by the masses. That goes so far that while the average gold digger would take Blueblood's abuse and just swallow their pride, she basically tells him that she deserves way better treatment. Also, she is a successful business woman, a drama queen and loves attention and praise. I could never see her in a position of submission to be honest.
Luna I can't tell you. Probably because of the "Ask Princess Molestia" blog.
moar pls!
7255586 I second that.
7255586
7256253 I'm halfway done with the second chapter. Though I am glad you are enjoying it so far
7260793 Yay!
7260793 hey BTW do you plan in future to do some re-writes of chapter 1 maybe fix the spacing and clunky paragraphs.
7265865 The spacing, yes, the writing... ugh... I'm not sure. On the one hand it does take some work but I am not certain if I'm even able to spice it up right now. And if I improve in the future, the thought of pulling a George Lucas and just improve it seems... wrong. I don't go over my other works and sporadically "improve" them over time and neither do other authors. Maybe I published it too quickly and didn't re-read it often enough, but those are mistakes I do want to stand by.
So, besides the fact that I have a lot of crap on my plate right now, I don't think that I will make any major edits.
7266595 I disagree with that and I do that with my work. I actually know others on the site who do that as well. Trust me i think those 8 dislikes aren't because of the story. But alrighty then. Also i like the Star Wars Special Editions. I think some of the improvements works.
Hows the progress coming along? Going to post Two Chapters instead of one?
7291415 My beta-reader's PC got fried and until they get a new one, we have to hold out, sadly.
7291538 I could do it to take his place till he gets a new one . I've got free time. Granted are time zones are a bit off but nothing I've never been able to overcome.
Love it. ^^ cannot wait for the next chapter. ^^
....
Ain't nobody got time for that!
sorrynotsorry
Ok first off you don't have to add innuendo's for all the time the whole "Queen of a Thousand Nightmares" and "Fashionista" just gets really old and makes the story feel very clunky and off putting to read.
Again this feels like very overcompensating writing and fancy for the sake of fancy, just get to the point don't drag it out.
Short and sweet my friend short and sweet that makes it more appealing to read and makes a story feel less clunky.
Also was this chapter really necessary? If you are planning on doing just a shower scene at least have it have some clop in it, otherwise the pacing of this story is gonna get a bit slow pretty quick.
7325308 First of all: I disagree to a point. I left certain parts in for a good reason and I will return to them in the future. Maybe I have a bit too much fun with the flowery prose, but I don't want to turn it completely beige.
Second: Yes, this chapter was necessary. My whole goal with this story is to depict a realistic, functioning and healthy S&M relationship. And taking care of the equipment, talking about themselves and their thoughts on it. I want to go into the logistics as well as the pure sexiness.
7325890 Alright, that's respectable, but some of the flower prose feels a bit forced I felt. True but don't make it to realistic remember stories are life with the boring parts taken out. Says the great Alfred Hitchcock.
Well this is interesting to say the least. I do wonder who when or if Spike will start to wonder how many men she has brought down there and shown this true side of her? Which that is really something most guys do not want to know about heir partner even more so when they are YOUR first. But I did also notice that I don't remember Rarity saying she will be exclusive with Spike, i mean we don't know what she really want or plan. She could tell Spike he is her fav boytoy but he isn't her only one. She want to be a queen and she will need subjects. And I don't think Spike could handle having to see Rarity with another guy. He has suffered through that for years and for her to make him do that right in front of his face in place she told him was so special would really hurt him. I just can't trust Rarity in all of this till we know for sure that she is committed right now to Spike.
7332343 While I will go a bit deeper into the origins (or rather awakening) of Rarity's fetish, I really don't see how you go from sadism to polyamory or cuckoldry. Yes, both are fetishes and cuckoldry includes a lot of humiliation, but I don't see her ever needing another partner to humiliate Spike. And she is a sadist, but she is in control of herself and would never lash out like that.
How's the story coming along?
A great addition to an awesome story. ^^
Is it weird that I find this chapter funny?
7719525 I'm so glad you enjoy it.
7721208 It is more lighthearted than the previous ones and the situation is absurd in its nature
I can't believe I'm saying this but PLEASE UPDATE!
I would love to see an update to this story. ^^