Celestia frowned introspectively, pausing to listen to the sound of pattering rain and distant rumbling of thunder outside the cafe. She sipped her tea gingerly, before returning her attention to her newspaper, doing her best to ignore the tittering alicorns in front of her.
"You laugh now," she said without looking up. "...but you'll be sorry when you find yourself in dire need of a lucky number and do not have one at hand."
"Celly, you do know that horoscope gibberish is... ah, gibberish, right?" Luna giggled. "By far the dumbest thing to come out of the past millennium. They're like fortune cookies but with more nonsense and 100% less cookie."
"Oh hush," Celestia stuck out her tongue. "I find them fascinating."
"Honestly Luna, I'd think you'd be flattered by astrology," Cadance said, idly swirling a piece of toast in egg yolk. "'Appreciate my night, lowly peasants' and all."
"Careful." Luna pointed a french fry threateningly. "And no, I don't consider turning my night sky into a superstitious sideshow flattering."
"Oh, lighten up!" Celestia huffed. "It's entertaining! And sometimes the predictions are pretty accurate."
"Of course they are," Luna retorted. "It's because they're statistically bound to be eventually. They are the same thing every time."
"Nonsense!"
"Oh? What is the Capricorn horoscope, Celestia?"
"I am a Virgo!"
"Oh, we all know you are. Especially the Princess of Love," Luna winked. "Fine, Madame Celly. Read me the Virgo horoscope."
Celestia narrowed her eyes, aggressively cracked the newspaper open before her, and recited proudly;
"There are big changes in the future for you! Be on the look out for opportunities, in your everyday life or in the actions of friends or co-workers! Your lucky numbers are 45, 46, and 47."
"Hm. How very particular," Luna sniffed. "Alright. Now read me last week's Virgo horoscope."
With a confident nod, Celestia withdrew the horoscope page from the week prior and once more recited;
"You are on the precipice of new developments! Be attentive, or you risk missing signs of subtle change in the actions of your friends or..."
Celestia trailed off.
Luna smirked victoriously.
Cadance peered at the paper. "Her lucky numbers are 42, 43, and 44, by the way."
"Well, admittedly they can be pretty repetitive," Celestia rolled her eyes. "But to be fair, our lives are pretty repetitive."
"No arguments here," Luna sipped her coffee. "Even our boredom has schedule and calculation. Anyways, back to astrology, it is possible that the stars we see have been burned out for millions of years. So I wouldn't trust their otherworldly predictions. Just a friendly reminder of how cosmically insignificant we are—'pale blue dot' or whatever."
"How ego-boosting," Celestia drawled sarcastically. "Nothing quite like an existential crisis to start our days off right. Thanks Luna."
"Eh, I try my best," Luna shrugged. "What about Cadance? What does her horoscope say? Probably something about her being on the brink of adjustments or something."
Celestia shrugged, too, and passed the paper to Cadance.
Cadance took one look at the Aquarius horoscope, and then her expression became one of complete horror. Celestia and Luna could have sworn they saw her bright pink coat fade several shades as shock rippled through her. For a moment the only sound was the rumbling thunder and pouring rain outside.
The sisters shared a glance, and then Luna nervously prodded.
"Well? What does your horoscope say?"
Cadance gulped. Thunder rolled in the distance.
"You're pregnant."
"Wait, what?!"
"That's what it says! Two words! What kind of horoscope is that?!"
"Huh," Celestia frowned. "Well, it's probably nothing. Luna's right, after all. These things are just a load of gibberish."
"Yeah," Cadance chuckled awkwardly. "You're probably right."
*rimshot*
And suddenly 8,3% percent of Equestria were pregnant
: I will be an aunt.
Well we know when that chapter took place...
"Leo: You will find your wife cheating on you with your best friend. Driven mad with grief, you will walk to the closest train station to throw yourself on the tracks and end it all, but be dissuaded by the length of the line from all the other Leo's trying to do the same thing."
7044383 With over half of their population being female, don't doubt it.
7044448
This... Is amazing. And the whole thing is nice to read with my own morning coffee ^_^
7044487
Considering the apparent given sexual dynamic in Equestria - the mare-to-stallion ratio of approx. 3-to-1 - it's prolly more like two-thirds of their population is female.
So Luna doesn't literally put the stars in the sky? (That is actually my favorite interpretation of her powers). I love this, btw. The chapters are short and sweet, just exactly the length they need to be.
I dunno, I'd like to leave a proper comment, but I can't think of much to say other than this is really very good. Kudos, I suppose.
7044701 Y'know, I actually wrote another story that completely contradicts this interpretation of the night sky. But eh. I wanted to make a Carl Sagan joke and couldn't think of how else to do it. I sometimes disregard personal headcanons solely based on whether or not I can form a joke from doing so.
Anyways, thanks for the comment! I'm pleased you're enjoying!
7044487 Really, it's only Ponyville that's so skewed with the genders, oddly enough. Canterlot and Manehattan seemed pretty equal.
I bet there's a Hot Fuzz-esque lesbian cult behind it.
A horoscope that just says 'You're pregnant'? THIS STORY IS AWESOME!!!
7044383 just what I was thinking but just as 1/12, so next week all Aquarius's have violent mood swings?
Equestria's award winning horoscope author, 10 years back to back. img01.deviantart.net/c35a/i/2014/025/6/6/spoiler_alert_by_nero_narmeril-d73nqj7.png
The one who wrote that horoscope was really bored I am guessing. Astrology is bull, unless you are the one doing it or someone who is freaking right there giving the prediction to your face. Plus, like all Magic that might be real there are way too many fakers to it. Really that is the problem with magic nowadays, it is far too hard to find the real stuff because of the assholes. Like all those idiotic new age hippy like crap that screws up actual philosophies to con or make people stupider. Before anyone asks, yes I believe in both hard science and magic.
7044701
Bringing the night is just bringing up the moon as Celestia sets the sun. With the sun down you can see the stars. It's not even canonical that Luna controls the stars, just the moon.
This was one of the best chapters in this story. Great job.
7049740 Aw, thank you! Glad you enjoyed!
How'd you make a hormone? Don't pay her!
I'm sorry, I tried to hold back but these damned digits betrayed me! +)
7046393 You and I are going to get along great!
7055283 i don't get it
7077229 That may be a good thing!
Ey, ey, see what you did there! Bit of the old foreshadowing, nicely done...
Aragon will forever be my favourite horoscope writer.
this reminds me of a TV show, i think it was an episode of Nova, with James Randi debunking lots of "psychic" phenomena, including horoscopes. in one scene, he gave a bunch of people what he said were personalized horoscopes, and told them to rate them for accuracy on a 1-5 scale. everyone rated them 4 or 5. then he told everyone to switch papers and take another look...everyone laughed because they were all exactly the same!
I'm an Aquarius too, does that mean I'm pregnant as well?
Heheheh, this'll be interesting~ Nicely done!
7055283
Hahaha! I'm laughing so hard I'm coughing!
... You know, this raises an interesting point actually; what would Luna make of real astrology? I mean yeah, today newspaper horoscopes are a joke, but historically it was a serious science - more than a science, it was this weird and fascinating nexus of scientific practice, political reality and psuedo-religious belief.
Mesoamerican cities were built on astrological principles; the Aztecs considered astrology a field fitting for royality. European rulers factored auspicious dates into marriages and coronations. Ancient medicines posited links between the efficacy of remedies and celestial alignments. Whole nations set their calendars on the word of astrologers, the most renowned of whom would stand amongst a rulers greatest advisers. Octavian, first Emperor of Rome, made a point of cementing his claim to the throne with astrological backing. Astronomers in ancient China were executed for failing to predict an eclipse. John Dee was imprisoned and threatened with burning just for casting a horoscope for Queen Mary I.
Bunk, of course. But a fascinating historical phenomenon, and it makes me wonder what Luna would think of it.
i.gyazo.com/35cf5cdce68fe3ab8206e54ea189653e.png
*snorts*
You know what sucks? I'm a Scorpio, ginger, border-line autistic lone with an angry bloodline on my dad's side.
I'm literally a ball of hate wearing an awkward mask that also hides my charm.
8124751 soooo... your dads Scottish?
8124751
Well, I am an Irish Indian with narcolepsy, adhd innatentive, and socially inept. I have literally no freind's other than the ones I made on the internet. Yet despite all this, I am somehow a natural born leader, evidenced by the progress I have made thus far in life. Explain, universe?
Ooooooo
Gods
Oof
damn...
it's scary reading this chapter as an Aquarius