• Published 14th Feb 2016
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Awful Lot of Coffee in Equestria - NorrisThePony



A collection of Celestia, Luna, and Cadance's cynical conversations over coffee.

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Power Levels At A Considerable Distance Above 9 x 10^3 *

“Twilight.”

Twilight glanced up from her milkshake, acknowledged Celestia with a vacant stare, and went right back to staring at the sludgy depths of her homogenized beverage.

“Twilight.” Celestia repeated. “What exactly happened to you?”

“Yes.” Cadance nodded. “We’re always happy when you join us, but… showing up with half of your mane scorched, smelling like a rugby team… it deserves some explanation.”

“I recognize her look.” Luna pursed her lips. “It’s the ‘I just kicked a villain’s ass but got my own ass kicked first’ look. Of course, not that I would be familiar with such a look—”

“Oh, don’t even, Luna,” Celestia sighed. “Well, Twilight?”

Twilight Sparkle was silent for several moments… silence in which Luna plucked a cherry from her milkshake and munched on it triumphantly.

“Well… Luna is right,” Twilight said eventually. “I mean… it was kinda my fault. I made her feel inadequate and jealous and she sort of retaliated.”

“What a strange thing to do.” Luna cocked her head.

“Yeah. Remember that unicorn I told you about? Starlight Glimmer? Well, she kind of broke into the Starswirl the Bearded wing of the library and stole a priceless chronomagical scroll.”

“Huh,” Celestia said thoughtfully. “I was wondering why my guards were acting so funny today. As though they were deliberately trying to steer me away from that area. I’ll have to speak to them about honesty-following-mistakes.”

“So… wait… chronomagical…” Cadance blinked. “You mean time magic?”

“Yep. She kept changing the past and I kept having to fix it.”

“Geez. Sounds intense.” Luna seemed offended. “Thanks for involving us.”

“Seriously.” Celestia agreed. “We could’ve helped, you know.”

“I didn’t exactly have all the time in the world.”

“Is that what you said when you beat her?” Luna grinned. “That would’ve been great. Or you could’ve said ‘your time’s up, fiend—”’

Cadance facehoofed. “Can we stay on topic, please?”

“Well, anyways… I ended doing battle with her for, like, a really long time. I couldn’t get a leg up on her no matter how hard I tried. I didn’t know what to do.”

“Did you try friendship?” Celestia offered.

“Yeah. It was my last resort.”

“Huh. You should try moving that option up a bit. It works more often than it doesn’t.”

“I know, I know,” Twilight waved a hoof. “The point is… I couldn’t beat her with my magic. It’s like… all my prowess and skill just suddenly disappeared as if to appeal to some cosmic convenience.”

“Welcome to our world.” Luna took a hefty swig of coffee.

Celestia and Cadance groaned their agreement.

“Wait… so you three have noticed it, too?”

Celestia let out a long breath through her nose. “Yes. Whenever I don’t need to use my magic extensively, guess what I have in spades. And whenever I desperately need it… guess when it fails me.”

“We’ve tried training. Honing our skills…” Luna added. “We know about every magic trick in the book and we can suplex entire mountains with ease. So long as there aren’t any stakes.”

“We’ve given up trying to explain it,” Celestia said. “So far as we’re concerned, there is none. We simply need to accept the fact that our magic won’t be useful when we go into combat. Some greater force is at play.”

“But… but how do you just accept that?” Twilight was dumbfounded. “Just, accept that you’re going to fail?”

“That isn’t what I meant,” Celestia replied calmly. “There’s a difference between accepting you failed, and convincing yourself you will fail.

“Besides,” Cadance added. “You said you beat her, right?”

“Well… kinda.”

“So there you go,” Cadance leaned back. “Don’t just throw in the towel because you failed in one means. Try again. Try something else.”

“Do you know how many times it took me and Celestia before we beat Discord?” Luna asked. “Pick up a history book some time. See how many alicorns ‘died’ facing Discord.”

“Me and Luna started calling ourselves the Opposum Sisters because of how many times we escaped… ah, final defeat… by playing dead.”

“Wow.” Twilight blinked.

“Yep.” Luna nodded. “I won’t lie and say we weren’t tempted to simply bug out and call it even. It was always an option on the table, even if we both pretended it wasn’t.”

“But we didn't give up. We kept trying, and we kept supporting each other. Similar to how the four of us will always support each other. Don’t be mistaken and think strength is defined by besting a foe in combat, Twilight,” Celestia said. “Imagine you did. You defeated her. Hauled her off to Tartarus. Victory would be yours. But that didn’t happen. Instead, you made a mistaken yet skilled unicorn your friend and had her change her ways.”

“Sounds like you kicked her ass to me,” Cadance shrugged. “Just in a better way.”

“Wow,” Twilight said again. “That… that changes a lot, actually. T… thank you, girls.”

“Don’t mention it,” Cadance waved a hoof.

Silence, for several seconds. Twilight reached the bottom of her milkshake and stuck her straw into the metal cylinder thing instead.

More silence.

“Seriously though,” Luna spoke eventually. “Call us next time you’re roughing up a baddie. I haven’t let loose with my magic in awhile.”

Author's Note:

[2016-03-26, 4:44:15 PM] NorrisTheSpider: If it dropped a line about the time scroll giving her extra magic, sure, I’d be okay with it
[2016-03-26, 4:44:24 PM] NorrisTheSpider: But as it stands it makes Twilight’s power levels pretty inconsistent
[2016-03-26, 4:45:03 PM] Her Royal Fluffiness Kinsley: New Weaknesses As The Plot Demands / Less Power(s) As The Plot Demands
[2016-03-26, 4:45:28 PM] NorrisTheSpider: Now Twilight knows how Celestia feels.
[2016-03-26, 4:45:40 PM] Kyubey the Incubator: ^
[2016-03-26, 4:45:42 PM] Kyubey the Incubator: Pretty much
[2016-03-26, 4:45:43 PM] NorrisTheSpider: That could be a fanfic.
[2016-03-26, 4:45:47 PM] Kyubey the Incubator: It could, yeah
[2016-03-26, 4:45:53 PM] NorrisTheSpider: They’re just discussing how their power drops whenever they need it the most.
[2016-03-26, 4:52:30 PM] Her Royal Fluffiness Kinsley: Or idly musing that their previously shown abilities seem to acting as a deterrent to some and a challenge to others

...And then I wrote a story about it.

Me not knowing what the metal cylinder thing for milkshakes is called and just calling it a metal cylinder thing is the lowest I've stooped in my writing tenure.

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