What Is To Never Be Is To Be And Should Never Be
"This is the salt," Cadance growled, tossing the shaker roughly across the table. "I asked for sugar, you halfwit!"
"Oh! I apologize!" Celestia chuckled, passing the appropriate shaker with a sheepish smile. "I'm awfully distracted this morning, it seems. Good thing you noticed before it ended up in your coffee, Caddy!"
"Good thing for you," Cadance said. "And I thought I told you not to call me that."
Celestia blinked in surprise, but maintained her polite composure. "Right, I'm sorry. You did."
"How many times do I need to repeat myself before you actually get it, Aunt Celestia? Aren't you supposed to be the smart one?"
"Uh..." Luna blinked. "Cadance, she said sorry. Again... is everything alright?"
"Yes," Cadance growled. "I should be asking the same for you two. Why is it necessary for me to have to repeat everything to you blithering fools?"
"You... you just seem to be quite grumpy this morning, Cadance," Luna said. "If there's anything Celly or I can help you with—"
"You can help me by shutting your fester-some trap."
Luna gawked in surprise but complied, her lip quivering a little. Celestia, however, bristled with evident frustration.
"Cadance I get that you're upset, but I can't just let you talk to my sister like that!"
Luna blushed at Celestia's defenisveness, but nodded nonetheless. "Cadance, I'm sure it might help if you talk about whatever is bothering you."
"When was the last time you were sure about anything, you blithering marechild?" Cadance seethed. "No. Trust me. I am fine. The matters which concern me do not concern you nor Aunt Celestia. So be silent."
And thus, there was silence.
Right until a familiar voice rung out.
"Hey girls! Sorry I'm late! You'll never guess what Shining—"
Silence.
"Um..." Cadance blinked in shock at... a mirror image of herself blinking at her in shock from the restraunt booth.
"Who the hell are you?!" The Cadance sitting next to Luna in the restaurant booth barked out, her surprised look vanishing to one of fury.
The still-gawking Cadance facehoofed violently. "Alright, Queen Chrysalis. You're gonna have to try harder than that."
"Father of a braindead nymph..." The first Cadance growled. There was a flare of green magic, and then Luna nearly jumped out her spine as she realized she was sitting directly beside the infamous Queen Chrysalis.
"I have several questions," Luna piped up.
"I imagine we all do," Celestia said, frowning in focus.
Then, the sun princess scooted a little to make way for Cadance, who simply stared at the seat directly before Chrysalis before reluctantly sitting in front of the changeling queen.
"How is life, Princess Cadance?" Chrysalis sneered. "Get locked in any subterranean caverns recently?"
"Depends." Cadance sneered back. "Get your bitchy ass catapulted half across Equestria recently?"
Chrysalis frowned. "Care for a rematch, Princess?"
"Yeah, against all three of us," Celestia retorted. "Good luck. What are you trying to pull, Queen Chrysalis?"
"Surely there's no harm in simply sitting innocently in a coffee shop?"
"There is when you're a multi-nationally recognized fugitive."
"I'm innocent!"
All three princesses rose their eyebrows simultaneously.
“Well, marginally innocent," Chrysalis elaborated. "Like, 20% innocent."
“Uh huh. Conspiracy,” Celestia recounted. “Kidnapping. Stealing magic. Attempted murder. Intrusion into Equestrian soil.”
“Wait wait wait!” Chrysalis cut in sharply. “What the hell was that last one? You made that one up! That’s not a crime!”
"Again, multi-national fugitive. Different rules apply to you."
"Well, point is, I'm not doing any of that stuff now. I'm just here to chat."
"Chat," Cadance repeated.
"Yeah! With no ulterior motives whatsoever! I promise!"
"Then why did you even bother disguising yourself!"
"Oh please. You wouldn't have let me get within a foot of Canterlot if I hadn't. I'm sure that's been made clear to the guard. Speaking of which, how is our husband doing?"
Cadance sputtered. "EXCUSE ME?! Our husband?!"
"Well, come on. In all technicality, I married him first. So really, he's cheating on me by living with you."
Silence.
"She's not wrong," Luna chirped. "And the child situation only complicates things further."
"Wait, child?" Chrysalis cocked her head.
"Yes!" Cadance said triumphantly, happy for some additional thread to leap onto. "I'm a mother now!"
"I'm an aunt?!" Queen Chrysalis cried, her eyes growing wide and a massive smile splitting across her face. "By jove! That changes everything!"
Cadance blinked. "Um..."
"I've always wanted to be an Aunt, but changelings don't do that sort of thing. We're more the 'go-to-war-with-our-brothers-and-sisters-for-dominance' type," Chrysalis chattered. "So? What's her name?!" Why haven't you shown her to me?! You mean to tell me you didn't even invite me to the baby shower?"
Cadance blinked again. "Are... are you actually being serious right now?"
Chrysalis did not seem to hear her. "We can have a family get-together! A family reunion! My 1,232 children can meet yours! We'd be one big, happy, illegitimate family!"
Cadance blinked for a third time.
Then, she looked to Celestia and Luna in desperation.
Luna shrugged. "That honestly sounds like it would be quite a lot of fun. Although I already thought you were an ant, Queen Chrysalis."
Chrysalis glared at Luna, but said nothing.
Celestia blushed as she broke the silence. "I admit I also like the sound of that. Plus the diplomatic repercussions of potential changeling and pony peace."
"Have you two lost it?" Cadance shrilled. "This is Chrysalis we're talking about! She's a changeling!"
"Wow! Racist!" Chrysalis brought a hoof to her chest in obviously-faux offense. "I'm just a poor old mare trying to provide for her swarm of children!"
"Queen Chrysalis. Seriously," Cadance said, facehoofing. "Why the blazes are you here?"
"Initially?" Chrysalis waved a hoof. "To collect child support and alimony payments. Shining Armor owes me..." Chrysalis frowned and materialized a pocket calculator, punching a few buttons. "One-hundred-and-thirty billion bits."
"How do you figure—!"
"Twelve hundred and thirty two little hatchlings. That's how. But you're starting a family of your own? That changes everything!"
Cadance facehoofed. "You can't possibly hope I'm stupid enough to host a family reunion and invite a changeling army to it!"
"Well, sister-in-law..." Chrysalis began, smiling as Cadance cringed. "There's always the monetary alternative I came here for."
"Yeah, right! Like you could possibly prove that in a court of law."
Silence.
Cadance frowned as Celestia sheepishly hid behind a dessert menu.
"Celestia..." Cadance growled. "Tell her she's full of crap! Spew some legal junk at her."
"I... actually don't know if I can," Celestia admitted. "Chrysalis might have some legal footing there."
"You're kidding me."
"Sadly, I'm not."
"What the hell kind of system is that?"
"I'm sorry," Celestia said earnestly. "I guess I didn't factor in zombified-pony-minds and shapeshifting-bugs when I wrote my statutes on divorce law."
"Family get-together it is!" Chrysalis cried triumphantly. "This day is going to be—"
"Finish that sentence," Cadance barked. "... And I swear, I'll shove a can of insecticide down your throat."
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There is interest. Much interest.
Chrysalis has join the party. I definitely want to see more of her in future chapters
Wow. The Royal sisters really are clueless. That whole bit with Twilight's warning being ignored makes a lot more sense now.
The interest is accruing so much that Cadance can pay off the debt.
I like this Chrysalis, any chance for more shenanigans?
Flurry queen of the nymphs
Actually that could be either fascinating or awful and both sound entertaining as hell.
Oh yes, there's interest.
Good luck, Caddy, you're going to need it.
There is interest.
Bug Princess is better than Friendship Princess.
Hay Cadance, I will help hide the body. All I want is to be turned into a pony and a ready made identity so I can slip into pony society without any government problems.
There must be more Chrysalis!
I'd love to see the narrative in this continue.
Especially when Shining Armor finds out.
MOAR!
I'm here to express interest in this plot thread. They can also get a bigger table at the coffee shop.
There is interest.
Not sure about Chrysalis being able to claim all here in nyphs as Shinings offspring.. Truthfully laws tend to be more reactive than proactive and there are always un-intended consequences. Situations not covered or where the law is applied but shouldn' be
So Chrysalis. Many Child. Such Interest. Wow
Woo, Evil Bug Pony for win! More Please. Also, more Twilight.
There is Interest. Also, bug pony is best because she can be anypony.
Thank you. I didn't know I wanted this chapter till I read it, but, while it is kind of rehashing a common joke about Chrysalis and Shining, it is done so well I can't bring myself to care, and I got a few laughs from this.
(I can do this all day.)
Well this was surprisingly well timed...we all know about the season finale...
Hahaha beautiful. I would love to see more chrysalis in future chapters.
Chryssy has no legs to stand on. In general - at least where I live - one needs a wedding license to get married. Shindig and Can'tdance probably had one but Chryssy didn't. Buggy and Armoire's marriage is null and void.
its ok chrissy, your niece is an albatross anyway
My interests. They are piqued. I like how Celestia and Luna just roll with it. I guess when you live long enough..
Is it sad that I want Chrysalis to be sincere here? In the sense that family is one of the few things that's actually important to her?
7466680 I'm with Minalkra on this one. Plus, the wedding was interrupted before they were declared married. Plus I'm sure that even though the law doesn't state anything about a drunk/drugged/mindcontrolled groom/bride, it would be easy enough to annul it based on said condition.
Still, this chapter is hilarious. I was originally thinking Flurry was keeping her up all night again.
this needs a part 2
Okay that was actually pretty funny.
I want to see more of this too.
Oh...my...YES!
I so much want more of this!
You better fucking continue this narrative or a bunch of people are going to hunt you down for it!
Now that Chryssie has joined the fun, you should really have her replace Celestia one of these sessions just to screw with Twilight.
Personally I would rather it not be continued. The presence of Chrysalis is interesting, but the rest of it not so much.
Wait... Is Chrysalis implying that a brainwashed Shining Armor went and knocked her up...?
7466759 Oh! Well, it was my intent to write it as its own story, not an additional chapter to this one. For better or for worse, this fic has a formula that I won't be breaking.
I apologize for any confusion and have modified the Authors Note to reflect this.
7466779
Oh that'd be fine no objections there. Continuing it in this story wouldn't fit imo.
This is great. Please continue.
Please bring more chrysalis in these =D
that was beautiful
THE TABLE SIZE HAS BEEN DOUBLED! So, yes, interest in Chrysalis inclusions is a definite.
I am interested, I am very interested
And then Twilight walks in and teleports Crysalis straight to Tartarus
7466704 I suppose Norris can pull it any way he wants for the purpose of comedy, including ignoring the interruption, but I can't think of a single legal system in the real world that-- at least on paper-- would recognize marriage. Or any alimony payments, either. Any children would be the product of rape by deception coupled with direct violation of consent in the first place; honestly, while Shining might feel a moral compulsion to see them taken care of, I don't see how any fiscal responsibility would be owed to Chrysalis. You could make a case to a judge to have the kids remanded into Shining and Cadance's custody, though Chrysalis might count as a foreign head of state.
I'm not entirely sure there'd even need to be an annulment except in the most basic sense-- a formal declaration that the marriage never took place. Even if Equestria's pre-licensing, Shining pretty clearly was under the assumption that he was marrying Mi Amore Cadenza; so was the officiant. A contract based on complete deception would be invalid in the first place, ditto a wedding. The mind control/magic/love drain would just be a case of further impairment of consent/outright violation of consent.
And I guess that's why it doesn't seem funny to me; it makes even less sense than the leap year pirate contract thing from Penzance. Here, we don't even have a contract, leonine, duress, or otherwise, because there was complete misrepresentation as to whom the contract was with. Maybe it's insufficient coffee, but it feels like we're just supposed to go along with the idea that Chrysalis has standing in here because harr harr Shining was abused and deceived at the best, raped if those really are his kids and... uh... Equestria recognizes "standing in this position and being pointed at" as sufficient establishment of identity? Chrysalis might as well be morphing into a small, lightly colored pink and purple cat and claiming that Shining and Cadance beating her up means that they've both married her, or Cadance has to die, because of the laws of her people.
I guess, to me, Comedy, even wacky comedy, has to have some vague grounding that isn't completely crazy pants. I don't laugh at a purple sky with daisies the size of clouds going through it; I go "Huh, that's weird."
This chapter made me try to upvote this story again and I was disappointed to find I could not.
7466645 Child support laws don't always care about who the biological father is -- they're usually written to find *someone* to pay 'for the good of the children'. So if he was married and then divorced I can see the laws saying that he's liable.
I mean, except for the mind-control and deception part. But that would probably be an active defense that he'd have to make if the papers are already on file. And Equestrian society doesn't treat mind control as seriously as our society would -- it's almost socially acceptable. It's what you do with it that matters, not the fact that you used it at all. Like, the Crusader's attempt to get Cheerilee and Big Mac together was a bad thing because they used a love potion that was *too strong* and made them go crazy and drag houses around, not because they used a love potion at all.
Yeah, no... Shining Armor legally married Princess Cadance, even if they completed the vows before she was revealed, Queen Chrysalis was never married to Shining Armor, and the children if they are Shining Armor's, are the byproduct of rape. Queen Chrysalis has absolutely nothing legal to stand on.
Chrysalis and Shinin Armor made like the beast with two backs? My man!
You know, considering Chrysalis did the whole wedding thing under false pretenses, I don't think it all qualifies, even IF they had finished the ceremony.
7466920 Exactly this.
So, are people really inspecting the legal integrity of a magic bug horse on the grounds that she brainwashed a male unicorn, married him, raped him, and shape-shifted into his fiancé, who is also a magic winged horse?