In A Café, Plenty Of People Can Hear You Scream So Keep Your Voice Down
"Alright, so I'm bringing the beverages," Celestia said. "Cadance, you're on chip duty. Choose wisely—I don't wish to lose my tongue to an assault of Salt and Vinegar like last time."
"Whatever, Auntie. Things would be a lot easier if you didn't have some sort of embargo on cheese-products."
"Twilight is going to be there," Celestia explained. "Blame her picky preferences."
"Can you two refresh my memory," Luna rubbed her temples. "I haven't been paying attention and I feel like it would be cosmically convenient for everypony involved for you to reiterate."
"Scary movie night!" Cadance said gleefully.
"Scary... movie...?" Luna stared blankly. "Like, moving pictures? Sorry, I'm still a little new to this generation."
"Yep, scary movies. You should see your pansy older sister during them."
"I'm not a..." Celestia began, but then sighed and broke off. "Eh. I guess I do get frightened from those films."
"I still find that amazing," Cadance said. "Like, you've faced terrifying beasts without breaking your whole regal princess routine—one of which was literally a nightmare demon, I might add—but ponies in rubber suits on screens have you hiding behind your wings. Or pretending to go to the bathroom every time a character is left alone in a dark room."
"Well, they cut out all the music so that it's just eerie silence, and then something pops up out of nowhere with a loud screech... it's not scary so much as it's terrifyingly irritating."
Cadance rolled her eyes. "Gosh, you're sounding like Twilight now, with her running nitpicky commentary," Cadance said, and then spoke in a poor imitation of the youngest princess: "...'Technically, blood wouldn't squirt like that from that sort of wound,' or 'According to Starswirl's biography, traditional earth pony witch-hunts didn't look anything like this. That's all a movie-industry exaggeration,' or chainsaws wouldn't sound like that cutting through flesh.'"
"...And then she falls asleep," Celestia added, smirking.
"Ah, good ol' Twilight," Cadance breathed. "Too bookish to be scared."
"Then there's you, Cadance," Celestia said. "Just completely stoic the whole time, besides a few little flinches during jump-scares."
"First of all, I'm a mother," Cadance replied, with a smug frown. "So I know what actual horror is. Second of all, after you've seen one crappy scary movie, you've seen every crappy scary movie. Still fun, but I'm well aware it's dumb fun."
Luna simply stared from Cadance to Celestia, looking positively bewildered.
"I'm still confused," she admitted. "Why would somepony willingly frighten themselves in the first place?"
"I dunno, Luna," Cadance grinned devilishly. "Why would somepony willingly torture themselves?"
"Touché." Luna frowned. "But that was from a nightmare-creation created by an extreme amount of dark magic. Why in the name of sanity would you three be afraid of images on a screen?"
"I think it's mostly what Aunt Celly said," Cadance replied. "It's not scary so much as it's the whole 'bait-and-switch-silent-then-suddenly-loud' crap."
"Y'know, if it weren't for the threat of it escaping and destroying Equestria, I'd say we should all share a nightmare every once in awhile," Luna said. "Like a haunted house but more convincing. Then you'd really see what it means to be frightened."
Cadance cocked her head. "That... would actually be awesome. One of those die-and-you-wake-up deals. Honestly, that would be way cooler than a scary movie."
"Makes me wonder what character-archetypes we'd all be," Celestia said. "Assuming we're all magic-less victims and not alicorns, obviously."
"Ooh, that's a good question!" Cadance nodded feverishly. "You're good at this sorta thing, Auntie. What do you think we would be?"
Celestia frowned pensively. "I don't mean to sound rude, but I believe Luna would be the 'I'm gonna go check a sketchy basement with just a flashlight' character."
"Yeah, honestly that sounds about right," Cadance agreed, smirking. "Sorry Luna."
"I'm completely lost," Luna said simply. "But whatever sails your boats."
"What about me, Auntie?" Cadance said.
"Uh..." Celestia pursed her lips and stirred her tea thoughtfully. "You're the friendly, likeable comic relief. You last until the third act and everypony feels bad when you finally die and they hate the villain even more for the climax."
Cadance shrugged. "I'll take it. That leaves Twilight and yourself."
"Twilight is the bookish one who figures out the killer or curse for the audience to know, but is axed off before she can tell the other characters. Myself?" Celestia frowned. "I do not know."
"As much as I hate to say it," Cadance said. "I think you're the most likely candidate for Last Survivor."
"No way!" Luna barked. "I don't even fully understand what you two are talking about and I still disagree!"
"Eh," Cadance sipped her cappuccino. "She's the nice and soft-spoken one who is in the background most of the time but takes center-stage when everypony else starts freaking out. Nopony really expects her to be the last one so naturally, she is. Seems right to me."
"Ironic," Celestia said. "Considering we all agreed I was the least likely to win a magic-duel. Then again, I guess surviving is entirely different from trying to kill your friends in cold blood."
"I'm still lost," Luna said bluntly.
"Well then join us tonight!" Cadance said, flashing Luna a smile. "Bit of dumb, cheesy fun. Although between Twilight's booksmarts and your knowledge of nightmares I feel like the two of you would never shut up."
"Good," Celestia said. "I prefer Twilight's intelligent quips anyways."
"Sure, because she mutes the movie every time she does," Cadance said. "You coward."
Celestia had a sharp denial on her tongue, but she didn't like to lie to her niece. So she looked away instead. When she spoke, her tone was somewhere between indignant and mirthful.
"Just bring the damn chips, Cadance."
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I'm the idiot who would find the extra evil book with the suspiciously supple leather cover and decide it'd be a great thing to read. Possibly out loud, with just a few flickering candles or the light of the full moon to read by.
Have to disagree, if you're going movie tropes the Alicorn of Love would probably sneak off with her colt friend and be killed mid or post in flagrante delicto.
I'm... probably the guy who would be fascinated by the monster.
Celestia would actually be victim one, first down, and first out simply because she's the casual one.
Twilight would be the one who scoffs at the idea that the killer is even a threat, and go off alone to prove it, and never come back. Because 'know-it-all'.
Luna would be the loud one who's really combative but ultimately caught flat-footed and shanked.
Cadance would play innocent, but is actually the killer... She would then pay off Chrysalis for running decoy for her at the right moments to have an alibi.
7203509 Honestly, I really imagine Luna being like Hudson from Aliens now that you mention it. She'd be extremely confident until the moment there's actual danger, where she'll then become extremely negative and moan about how doomed they all are.
...But ultimately still goes out in an epic blaze of glory.
And victim one is usually the really preppy chick or jock who nobody actually sympathizes with and gets really frightened to the point of being annoying. I couldn't actually think of which one of the princesses that would be, although with the Mane 6 considered I could easily see Rarity or Rainbow Dash in that role, and AJ being Last Survivor.
I would probably the guy who would charge the beast after the first few deaths. The one who always dies mid movie, right after the bookworm I would probably have a crush on, but is sometimes able to land a lucky hit on the beast before it brutally mauls me.
I'm the smart guy who would go "People in the house are dying and we are all perfectly capable of leaving but aren't? Fuck that shit. You guys are on your own. I'm going to the to a bar on the other side of the city and getting smashed". I then call everyone the next day to see who is still alive. I also make sure to check every spot of my vehicles someone could hide or hide something to make sure there are no nasty surprises waiting for me before leaving. And make sure to inform the Authorities shit is going down there do hopefully at least more than 1 person survives,
7203496
She and Shining Armor would be killed by an angry and vengeful mother whose little colt drowned while they were busy having sex.
The old creepy guy you think is the killer.
I'd be the pizza guy at the start of the movie. Probably get the blame. Dern you, Cadence!
Too bad, it could be good to see the reaction of Lulu to some movies.
I'd honestly be the one scared s***less.
Srsly, there's a guy with a chainsaw around. WHO WOULDN'T BE S***TING THEIR PANTS!?
To be honest, I probably would be the guy who summon the demon, and get off around third act.
As a potential survivor, I'm the one with the common sense to bring a weapon, means of communication, and a flashlight with me and wait for the right time to sneak past the killer and hit him/her from behind.
I'm with OminousBrony: I'd be the "fuck this, I'm out" guy. Then again, going by horror movie rules (at least in the less common cases where you actually have characters like that), I'd probably get axed off as I was trying to leave and left where other characters will find me later if they actually try to make their own escapes.
7203516
Well, if you want to get TECHNICAL... The Black Man Dies First. It's enough of a trope that back in the day Scary Movie made fun of it.
So... Zecora for first victim?
Of course, there's also the formula...
Obnoxious/Annoying >> Mean Asshole >> Know it All >> Pragmatic Jerk >> Normal/Survivors
More or less the order the audience wants to get rid of the baggage. Usually with the idiotic annoying ones falling first, then the asshole getting their just deserts, followed by finally shutting up the know-it-all, then dealing with the pragmatic jerk once their attitude reaches its peak. Then, depending on the movie, you have the survivors before the credits roll, or they go down right when you think they're safe as a kick in the balls.
Somewhere in there, you'll have the bimbo who runs off alone and just makes the worst crisis decisions ever, and the hormone addled couple who have sex... violating the first rule of a horror movie: "Never Have Sex in a Horror situation. You are always the next to die."
Pardon me, second rule. First rule is: "Never split the party."
7203521
You're dead before you get to your car, and nobody even knows about it until your head drops down on a rope and thuds into the window, providing a jump scare of your last horrified moment before you bought it.
See: You're the ditcher. The ditcher always dies off camera once the killing has started. You only get to survive if you're out BEFORE the killings start.
7203581 Great, now everybody is getting brutally murdered in my comment section. It's a damn bloodbath here.
I'll get a towel, I guess.
7203529 This is the correct answer.
Those roles fit them perfectly, I think. As long as it's just the four of them. I imagine Id be something of a know it all, like Twi. (I do the same thing during a horror movie. At one point I think I mentioned how there wasn't enough blood in the human body to pool, and my friends don't let me watch movies anymore). I'm also a huge scardy cat where demons/spirits get involved, so I understand Celly too.
Luna is the one that walks by all the obvious signs of an axe murder and then stumbles upon the axe murderer
Idk what architype that is, clueless maybe?
i feel like id be the one terrified of going in but will still do it, due to peer pressure. only to die off in a gruesome manner.
I'd be the "Nope, fuck this shit I'm out" character that gets killed for trying to leave.
7203572
I'd be the guy who freaks out.
7203595
A towel is the right answer to everything. You've learned from the Guide, right?
I'm the guy who thinks he's figured out how to kill the monster, goes in to try it, and dies horribly because he misunderstood something.
I'm definitely one of the first victims. I'm hot garbage at survival scenarios.
7203748 Adams taught you well...
7203816 yup, me too.
I'm the guy who mistakes normal red necks for chain saw murderer red necks. ...Whoops! Tautology!
7203595 Now you've started something, there damn well better be a sequel to this with the cheesy movie & all it entails, there is all kinds of comedy to be had with this one.(must include Twi)
7204123
There's a difference?
7203595
You ARE going to write that movie night up aren't you?
You had better be! You can't just leave us hanging like that with the next chapter them just sort of mentioning it on the sides while doing their normal coffee house of horrors routine!
7204258
Sometimes.
7204263 Agreed.
7203595 Please make the next chapter about them watching something like Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil
I'd be the token minority that gets killed.
Exact reason I tell everyone who calls me a coward for not watching horror movies.
7204513 Me too lol but I'd probably trip from running then the killer finds me.
Please do a follow-up chapter so we can find out what Luna thinks of the horror movies once she's seen them.
Aaand I just remembered why I identify with Twilight so much. That's basically me.
Hands up for the flashlight only party in the killers fun house!
RSVP today!
Ohh, I hate the "MUH BOOOOOOOOOIFRIEND is gunna be OKIES so we GOTTA keep the soon-to-be-zombie with ussssssssssssssssssssssssWWWWWAHHHH" character.
Also the "literal personification of innocence" child character who's fucking idiotic lack of survival instinct should get her snuffed in the first act, but noooooooo, we have to protect her and put ourselves at risk specifically-- not to save her, but to sate her neurotic behavior. Like the little girl in the War of the Worlds remake: it'd make a LOT more sense if it was 'we can no longer be childish, and have to adapt to the fact that we are not alone' symbolism of lost naivete--- and killed the bitch in cold blood, and the rest of the movie was about avenging her.
Like isn't that part of The Last of Us? And look how big a hit that game was for having the balls to do so, and replace the child character with one who does useful shit.
Oh! Also: "Character who's also the cameraguy."
FUCK no.
That was the one thing I hated about Cloverfield: "Hud" (real fucking clever name) never shuts the fuck up. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Ah, here we go:
[youtube=YWlR9C9EKH0]
7203516
The obvious answer here is that Shining Armor is the first one to get offed.
7204513
7203520
I'd be that crazy dude who is very strategic, and always carries heat. In other words, sir-not-appearing-in-this-movie.
7203541
He's got a chainsaw, which is actually a very noisy piece of equipment negating his ability to successfully sneak.
I've got a pistol, by contrast remarkably quiet and considerably more ranged.
7203572
Sorry, Admiral, but you brought this on yourself.
I would be the idiot who thinks he has a chance at killing the -insert scary thing here- and ends up dying like an idiot.
7205402 I thought I was the only one!
Eh this is easy I'm the calm quite guy that is the psychopath killer only shown at the end of the movie after killing every one else and putting their body parts into his/her collection. What don't you give me that look I know where I sit in the horror movie arch types.
I'm going to say, when it comes to horror genre, I'm a Bruce Campbell character. Which is to say I would have no idea what the hell is going on, slowly go insane, trash talk throughout the entire film with many one liners, go through hell, become the one who has experience with the evil, try to go back to a normal life but end up having to go through more hell because the evil won't die.