Citrus Recluse
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Saw this on my feed, read "grimdark", now I hope there will be moar
You have some nice elements, but some of this comes off as sort of awkward like Rarity describing things she experiences from a first person perspective instead of a simpler description, por ejemplo:
Would flow better if you ditched the notion of Rarity talking directly to the reader and reworked it as:
If this version reads like something you'd prefer, send me a PM.
What movie inspired this?
I don't know why this is being downvoted, I thought it was pretty good
So when we see the transformation part of this story?
7461994
Because it involves a wide variety of fetishes, some of which people find irksome or gross, and according to Sathien, the first-person makes a it little hard to follow, which is an eye-opener, because I thought I had a decent handle on first-person.
7462086
Next chapter.
Which I'm going to try to post tomorrow.
7461507
Oh. Um ...
... White Christmas. Yes, that's right, a Christmas movie inspired a bimbofication fic.
Quote Jubal Early of Firefly.
7462233 ok then.
So what tentacles for anyway?
7463571
Because there will be tentacles doing the tentacle things that they do.
7463590 ok when there going to be a sequel of rarity to room 69?
7463659
When it's finished being edited.
7463664 ok then see you later.
Love this Story so far and hope to see more of Rarity sucking Dicks like a brainless Bimbo
7463680
Well, I hope this next chapter satisfies.
(What am I doing with my life?)
7462243 .... really? how did white christmas inspire this?
Well this can't be good.
7465217
My mind tends to absorb and suck up things I've seen in media, and then mix them up with other stuff and personal touches when I'm waking up/trying to go to sleep. I had watched the movie the night before. I started thinking about my stories in the morning, and I drifted over to bimbofiying Rarity (who is Best Pony) ... and then you add in a bit from White Christmas where they're performing on a stage, and you put that in my mind's blender with "Rarity" and "Bimbofication" aaaand presto! Instant weird story idea.
Sorry to say this Citrus but i must agree with Rariboobies on this one.
Keep up the good work
How does she know that her eyes lose their color? Is she looking at a mirror when this happens? The term is monochrome not monotone. You're changing up tenses when actions are occurring simultaneously. I would reword this as "Rarity's eyes widened and lost all color while her body grew stiff." but if you're dedicated to telling this tale with Rarity as a first person narrator, I would tweak it to "I felt a sudden surge of alarm as my vision became slightly blurred and body grew rigid."
ditch the unnecessary "of"
Stylistic issue here. Rarity would not stop at describing a dress by just its color. You didn't even address material or a basic design.
Again, there's no way for our narrator to be aware of this without some way of seeing herself and, barring a case of synesthesia, one cannot feel colors; edit as "It felt like spirals of energy were swirling against my eyes."
Purr has two Rs. Edit the other part as "I further pull on my dress, exposing my bra strap."
Edit as "It's rapid-fire pounding and throbbing feels my mouth." or something to that effect, he's not causing her mouth to throb so much as his organ is throbbing inside of it; i.e. you need a conjunction.
Double spacing issues. The word is "suspicious."
You're writing as Rarity, these items are more commonly referred to as "harem pants" within fashion circles, though "drop crotch pants" is another name; both detract less from the mental image than what you've used. "Curled slipper" also sounds more dignified than "elf shoes."
It's unnecessary to add a period after ending a quote with a punctuation mark.
knocked down
Wouldn't it stand to reason that you should rename yourself something more reflective of your desires on stage... delete everything after "awkward moments or chop the sentence off after 'bust' and just add "when the costumes fail." You're transitioning from talking around the issue to to directly addressing it. Pick one.
Typo in "asks"
“We saw what you were doing with this farm boy backstage.”
Typo in "still"
"All of the girls began to raise their hands until the the slam of front door echoed forth, revealing a foot extended up and ahead of its owner. It didn’t take a bimbo’s worth of brain cells to connect that said shoe had kicked the door in.
As that shoe came down, I recognized its design in a heartbeat. This shoe belonged to...my friend, Twilight Sparkle. I could see the rest of my friends close standing behind her.
I haven't changed over to the next chapter just yet, but if she now refers to herself as Rariboobies, shouldn't she do so in the opening and closing remarks as she's directly addressing the audience?
7474524
I understand there's some logistical and grammar issues that both me and my proofread failed to catch.
But I don't recall taking you up on your offer.
is this the end of this "Saga" Or will there be more to go? Like how Celestia and Luna find out about what happened to Twilight and the others
7475565
It's the end, yeah. Though perhaps I should have thrown in a mention to the Princesses at the end, but oh well.
Have you seen chef?
7490978
No, I don't think I recognize anything with that as a name. Unless it's Iron Chef, but I'm pretty sure that's not relevant.
I think when the Princess finds out she will show up and burn the Chaos magic out of there and then return the Mane 6 back to normal, of course she might merge their elements with their bodies so they don't get effected by Chaos magic like this again.
Bad end.
>Itsallatrap News
-Italian pony station ? :3
>I have this nice, round huge boobies
-Should be 'these', no ? Plural and all.
>"Asphyxiation." I say. "If we pull it off just right ..." I can already hear Pinkie wheezing, her breathing constricted.
-The fuck ?
penny pinch.
nice countessa reference.
the first person perspective is a bit off for me, but that's just personal preference. Great concept though!