Three guardians find themselves on a new planet after defeating Atheon, the keeper of time. This planet also happens to be inhabited by strange, sapient, talking ponies. It's up to these guardians: an overconfident, but caring Titan named Blaze, a sharp, battle machine exo warlock, named Adrothe, and a not-so-serious hunter named Joah, to save Equestria from a darkness they know they can't stop on their own. (DestinyXMyLittlePony) Also- first few chapters are old, and not as good quality as the new ones i'm writing, FYI.
Chapters (7)
hm. i love me some destiny crossover. and it looks nice, no spelling, grammar, or formatting errors that i can see, that's always good. just one other thing, it feels like things are happening simply because the author wishes it, not because the story wills it. give the characters good reason to do what they do.
6373144 it's how you say a fixed story rather then a prefixed story differents to meening prefixed story is with errors and wrong grammer fixed story is done with out error
very good
until next time!
Nuuu!!!! Short chapters!!!!!
(The chapter was good but it repeated it's self during the fight. That is my only big problem with this chapter I see.) Ty for fixing that much better now
Sorry, there were some editing problems I didn't notice, but now they're fixed. Stay tuned for more chapters!
Adrothe seems like he's about to short circuit.
Ya need an editor. Other than that, great work.
Hmm... Interesting...
WOW! This may just be the shortest chapter I've ever seen on FIMFiction (relative to 1440x900).
Also; these characters are super clumsy! This story's prologue is just them being stupid and falling into a thing!
Well... I'm going to give this story a thumbs down, reasons listed below:
- Paced too fast, Everything is going past so quickly it feels like the next chapter is going to be the end. I mean, that action section was literally one paragraph. That sucks.
- Characters are too... open. They're military types. Yes, they'd have their own quirks and personalities, but they're... showing too much emotion, I guess? I mean, it's all well and good if one character is the hyper, eccentric, fun-loving type and another is the serious, business only type. But they should be acting with some professionalism.
- Going with the one above, the characters have a blasé reaction to everything. They fell into the thing, expecting to die, end up in a forest, follow smoke, see ponies and a ship that can't get them off the planet and the only reactions were "Oh. This happened. This is a thing. Etc etc."
- Language Barrier. Having a language barrier in a story is all well and good, but you can't just completely demolish it with the excuse of "magic". Even magic isn't perfect. It wouldn't instantly be able to perfectly translate everything. It'd take time, it'd translate Broken English at best. One story with an example of this is the entire The Human Within series, starting with What I've Become. In the story, there's a language barrier, they use a spell to get over that barrier, but the translation isn't perfect. The character even has to resort to miming to communicate at some points.
- Coincidence? I think not! There's too much things happening "coincidentally". They fall into the thing, wake up on the planet, "coincidentally" a ship has crashed on the same planet in the exact same area they wake up, and said ship has "coincidentally" captured the CMC. Then, Twilight "coincidentally" is at the edge of the Everfree Forest when they exit. It's one thing after another.
- Character Development. Ok, so this is a big one and can be hard to write. I know, I've tried. But characters need development. They need an appearance, a personality, a backstory. Not all three in one chapter, certainly, but at least the description must be first when the character is seen. We've had no description of what the three Guardians look like. We were told their class and their name. Nothing more.
- Classified Information. These guys have woken up on an alien planet, dealt with hostiles, and are encountering an unknown alien species with unknown disposition towards them. First thing they do? Tell them exactly where they come from, who they are, etc etc. That is literally the worst possible thing you can do. You withhold information. You lie. You leak no information if the source is not trustworthy.
That's all.